left shin screaming

ok, so we are going to give the left shin more attention... i don't know if it is wearing the brace or favoring the leg or being out of shape or something else... i know it is partly favoring as i am experiencing imbalanced strains as i am running in my legs and lower back... the lower back is not pain, just the usual running strain, but it is imbalanced so my stride is imbalanced... something to pay attention to...

2.5K... this time a full five laps... pushing the time a bit 3:41.2; 4:38.1; 4:19.4; 4:53.0; 4:07.0... 21:38.7 total... still pathetic even by the standards of last year when i was dropping into the mid-30s (minutes) for a 10k... slow jog the first lap and i was feeling it in my abs - that is how out of shape they are... and that shine splint thing must be resolved... focus the stride, the breathing, and continue...

is it now or never again?

sure is starting to feel like that... how quickly we fade... ok, so 5 laps, temp 77, humid 31 the weather is beautiful for running, but the body was not... definitely atrophies and lost a lot during this two week down time and during this away from jogging running time... the muscles especially... feeling the lactic acid burn so early and the drag before the end of the first lap (though it was a faster than usual lap, still... 3:42.2; 4:56.6; 4:45.4; 4:27.4; 3:59.6... still in control enough to bring the last lap back down under 4 minutes, but still, wasted after the first lap and i have jogged faster than 3:30 laps before... pathetic is not too strong a word at this point... 21:52.0 for the 5 laps, but pushing the same time for another five would have been an unreasonable expectation as the 6th lap would have likely been over 5 minutes by itself... so maybe a 45 minute 5k, which is definitely pathetic for me (no offence to anyone who is happy with a walk/jog, but my goal is to get back to actually jogging the entire 5k and that is a 30-35 minute pace... sub 30 is still the long term goal... but it seems ridiculous at the moment as i am heading in the opposite direction way too swiftly...

wah wah wah, lament will not help for the long term, but licking the wounds to psyche and ego might get me back out today... i have not taken my brace or running shoes off and yes, i put on my running shoes and not my sneakers... seriously misjudged my muscle tone, resiliency, and stamina... shame, this is a shameful waste of human life...

and now, it is recorded here... motivation or misery, time will tell...

too much rest?

well, i am running the bases much better and though i am keeping the ankle brace on tight as i play, i am jogging short distances with happiness (jackson's dog) regularly without the brace and there are no ill effects... being careful... last weekend i played six games and ran the bases a lot, from first to home and from second to home a few times... tonight i was running just fine too... now i just need to get back to the 5k training again, more frequent jogging... while rest is important, very important, it is also very important not to rest too much as i rebuild strength, stamina, and whatever speed might be left in this body... continue...

solitary determination

well, i grew tired of looking outside of myself for inspiration to exercise (all along i had been hoping that living with someone in a body that is more than two decades younger than the body i inhabit would inspire me to be more active and exercise more but she works so much she rarely has time or energy and now has a relationship taking even more of her time lately so i hardly see her... maybe i needed someone three decades younger, or four, even lol...

everybody gets so old so fast in this life (ah, who gets my humor? :)

the foot, by the way, is doing fine... wrapped good and tight, no pain in the foot or the leg muscles... reasonable strain in both calf and abdominal muscles (sadly, signs of atrophy and aging are evident all over the dang body... alas, dissatisfaction keeps me alone, physically (can you hear my body sigh?)... somehow, i must find someone to laugh with me... preferably as we make love...

ok, back to the immediate physical reality... so i jog/walked another 5k tonight and i realized how much backsliding i have been doing living outside of myself so much so whatever, there are no excuses outside of myself and here are the numbers...

ten laps... 3:34.0 4:14.3, 4:16.7, 4:17.9, 4:18.8, 4:43.6, 4:39.8, 4:54.4, 4:26.8, 4:07.7... 43:34.0 total time... an approximate 5k, possible a bit longer, but close enough to let me consistently call it a 5k... and after a full day at work and being awake 14 hours... not too bad, but shamefully pitiful compared to what i know the body can do it it is not wasted away... so what will i do now... rest... the more important questions is what will i do tomorrow...

i did not have running partners as a kid... or a teen,... or a young adult... i was a solitary runner... love and the desire for a relationship was an inspiration, but it was just me out on the road day after day, mile after mile... it was loving the feeling of the high during the run and loving the feeling of fitness and awareness after and between the runs... so is the solitary determination that drove me to run a 2:40 marathon (that is 2 hours and 40 minutes) once and sub 3 hour marathons more than a dozen times return before it is time to die?... will the solitary determination that drove me to run a 4:40 mile (that's four minutes and 40 seconds) once and many sub five minute miles and routine sub 6 minute miles return?... routinely running 15 miles in 89:54 minutes (that's 89 minutes, 54 seconds - averaging sub 6 minute miles for 15 miles)?... and 60 or more miles a week...

mostly those are just memories now, not realistic goals considering the years of backsliding i've allowed this body to do... a few years ago, maybe five, i run/jogged eight miles in just under ninety minutes... but can i, on just my solitary determination, return to consistently running again, not just jog/walking, without dying first?...

one step at a time...

the taco bell diet

is not a wise diet to be on for anyone over 20 years old who is not a serious athlete... being that i am not either anymore, do the math... and taco bell is being used as an example here cuz other stuff like pizza and many other foods can be just as not wise in abundance and too often and when not exercising enough... and pigging out as i tend to do, well, even more foolish... sometimes it's loneliness, the sensory high of food... but the body puts up with it cuz it is only occasional (first time in about a month) and there is exercise involved (two games of softball earlier)... i have been away from this body talk in part cuz i have been away from the computer at home (everywhere except the daily (e)thereal blog) but the healing has been going well, though i am not exercising as much as i ought to for similar reasons to the being away from the computer... simply, working... that's a good thing for the wallet and bank and people i pay for stuff each month... good for me too, even though retirement would be better... anyway, busy adjusting to a new schedule and doing stuff...

hopefully the rainy season is over cuz softball was rained out more than it happened in the past two months plus and and i will get more exercise that way... the foot, wrapped tightly, is doing pretty well as i run the bases and feel more agile fielding with each passing week... and i will (will will will it!) get back to jog-walking more often...

and drop the weight, yeah, lay off the taco bell diet for a while :)

chicken fat

yeah, you know... we walk/jogged 4 laps and then jackson went in for a shower cuz she has work soon and i walk/jogged another two laps with the fifth lap being the most jogged lap... the good news is the foot/ankle is healing well, the stamina is not completely gone (though it is, by my standards, horribly pitiful and i'd be content with a 50 minute 5k at this point)... the lap is .31 miles which makes 10 laps a 5k and that'll be the first distance goal (the first goal is wake up and do it again soon, monday or tuesday at the latest... tomorrow is softball practice at 10am... maybe sunday since i am not playing softball on sundays yet (i think must check schedules)... time goals will wait until i complete 10 laps at least once or twice... a 5k in september is not too far fetched...

slow, very slow, and not too steady, but progress...

slight delay

yeah, so last weekend was a slight fiasco when it came to the rehab process as my morale was flushed down the toilet and blah blah blah so i skipped this week and distracted myself with intellectual fun and food and yeah, probably put on a pound or few (though i must say i have been amazingly disciplined during these past almost four months (yes, 4 months) of inactivity as i have not gained a net pound from the day of injury through today even with some gain this week, which, is you've read me and know how much i love food {and how much food is a comfort and how much i've needed comfort during this first serious injury of this lifetime and new very lonely rehab process, not to mention other major life changes any good therapist would welcome my money to discuss for months, at least... psyche, aye?}, is quite seriously outstanding will power, discipline, and healthy habits... even moreso as my roommate has gained weight during this period, partly because she is exercising less because her primary exercise partner {that would be me} is, alas, off his feet a lot)...

anyway, perhaps it is time to renew the rehab mentality and while avoiding the critical strangers who have less sensitivity than i would like (it is sad that i must accept a lack of a supportive caring world once again, but then, that is the world i was born into and accepted it very young, so the fact that naivety and hopefulness survives in me as it does is, again, pretty amazing... so i'm a pretty amazing dude, aye?... well just look at all this positive self-talk... jackson would be so proud), stepping out to social physical activity (softball fields) again next weekend... enough grumbling about set backs, not quite full speed ahead, but forward... next weekend (oh go ahead, i'm laughing at myself :)

foot report: walking better, faster, jogging a bit with discomfort but no sharp pains... ankle report, similar... still very wobbling and not pivoting well, not putting full body weight on it yet... leg report: muscles occasionally cramping, weak but improving... body report: blah blah blah blah... eat better, exercise more, sex would be nice...

pushing the limits further

the foot - walking up to an hour a day, almost, and gearing up for serious physical therapy that i will research and provide for myself...

the body - the buzz of changing habits to return to exercise and keep an old promise (marathon the year i cut my hair) is screaming even louder than the tinnitus (which is quite mind-occupyingly loud lately) and hopefully i will actually start soon...

the hair - gone... so much more to say, but no sleep x3+ days = blah blah blah...

brain - no sleep for 3+ days, distracted, unfocused, bearly blurry blah blah blah...

more to follow, we hope :}

physical focus

everything is so very physical, the body, that is, self-focused, distracted, it is a real pain in the neck... no really, i mean the pain in the neck is very distracting... and some headaches and here i go wondering again if it is posture (the reminder from my youth to get the spine and therein my head straight was the stiff neck, after all) or maybe the blood pressure is playing some role and leaving me what may rudely be called a sophie's choice (as if anything can be that bad), die from high blood pressure or die from the medications the medical profession use to try to control high blood pressure...

and then there's the foot... rough day, but hopefully still healing... more hopefully healing right and not getting permanently damaged by the walking i have to do... some of the people at work are amazing in their lack of compassion and unwillingness to help as they watch me struggle to carry papers or hold open doors while on crutches... tomorrow should be fun as i have a few hours of meetings with the most inconsiderate folk of all who enjoy pouncing on weakness and making others feel like crap, what a life... luckily they don't affect me much anymore, but the foot won't make it any easier...

there are body thoughts?... well, sorta... heal already, dammit! :}

bloated in tally

so much yummy food today it was not even funny cuz i hung out with a co-worker on this business road trip who ate regular meal times and i of course ate larger portions and feel stuffed, as in stuff-fed... the nwhole idea of dropping weight before jackson moves back down is kind of out the window as she comes back down next week and i am max stuffed tonight... foolish games, stupid habits, but yummy, oh so yummy...

hydration

a very rough week for the kidneys and renal system as what was probably the second worst stone of this life time finally passed after more than 24 hours of squirming and writhing and biting the bullet so i could run a two hour orientation followed by a one hour meeting followed by a two hour corporate brainstorming session and somehow the brain stayed conscious and kept the body moving, slowly, through the busy day... too much softball over the weekend and forgetting to continue the hydration even after i got too tired to remember i was drying out... in the heat and sun... and eating spicy deli heavy in nitrates and nitrites did not help... the perfect storm... off for the next five days now... gonna rest a lot this weekend... between softball games... and hydrate...

5K times

the 5K may become the measure i use for improvement now... years ago it was mile times, one mile, two miles, three miles, all the way up to 15 miles and then a marathon... the fact that the 5K is a popular timed public run these days allows me to get out with other runners and get timed and the fact that 10 times around my apartment community is just over 5K makes 5K the easiest distance to time and measure...

it would help if i didn't accidentally reset the stopwatch as i cross the halfway mark... i did make the first half in under 20 though, i won't claim 19 cuz i reset it, but i can fairly claim 19:30... and the second half in 21:45 makes this a 5K in under 42 minutes... i will do an under 40 minute 5K this year... in fact, i may shoot for an under 35 minute 5K if i actually get my ass in gear...

i sort of committed to under 180 pounds by 2012 too... better get to it, aye?...

letting it go again

the body, the bloat, the weight... indulging the taste buds cuz there is not time for any other pleasures as work fills the calendar every day lately and nobody is around to do anything else in the few moments away from work... a body craves sensual pleasures, after all...

yeah, right

so after dropping a bit of revealing connection type information here for the offering for those who care enough to explore beyond the body thoughts, i chose to push through the abdominal distress and play softball (running hard, hitting well, pitching even better, yay) and then fast food frenzy the body tonight, including the mountain dew... so far, the body is not screaming in rebellion (if we do not count the ear ringing that warns of the blood pressure which is definitely high after the fast food and sugar-caffiene rush), but the wisdom behind the impulse knows better...

still, it turns me on (the physical pleasures of life, that is)... i so relate to the messenger character in city of angels even if the body thinks that just might be suicidal thinking... loving the hedonistic life for as long as it lasts...

and how are you? :)

duh duh doh doh doh

and the neck is a bit better most days, but the bloat remains and foolishness or hedonism, life slowly rolls playfully toward it's end in this body as the blood pressure remains high and the ssugar levels near high and other stuff too... and no exercise other than the softball several times a week and the occasional 5k and other stuff, which is more than some and i weightr less than most and still, the body is warned by the doctors and i have no time to focus on will power or wanting to live longer than today to do any different...

and how are you? :}

gym at midnight

running on caffeine and adrenaline, only 3-4 hours sleep and still, made it to the gym around midnight and the body loved it, even if the heart gives out tomorrow, it felt fantastic tonight... and without a lover, after all, what pleasure can i experience... masturbation, exercise, creative play, and food...

meet me at the gym at midnight :)

had a moment

yes, a brief moment of clarity the other night when i skipped dinner and went to bed right after work and slept twelve hours and felt the weight of the bloat almost left and then, got home the second night and bloated up again... one of these days, change the pattern (before death to i part, aye?)...

stop the stupid, k? :}


.

P.S... and an hour later, i found myself coming home from the gym to write this update... the bloat and flab is large, but i did move again, treadmill and elliptical... now if i just keep that up for the next three hundred nights, at least... five hundred nights would be better... join me? :)

wow, cellular memory

i forget almost every time in every conscious way when i disassociate myself from the physical shell (and the body laughs it's maniacal suicidal cheesy grin laugh as it does not have much choice and it knows it on that cellular memory level that the consciousness avoids so often, but every now and then a glimmer of a glimpse, a sliver of memory slices through as if to be placed on a slide and probes by an electron microscope (cuz that is how thin a slice it is most of the time) and when the brain turns on it's subatomic eye to perceive (because it is beyond human sight as we know it) the cellular memory, the brain floats through a sea of emotions made of every extreme as the temporary journey of life saves it from the utter despair and depths of depression that the daily suicidal choices would ordinarily bring to the ordinary normal mind...

thank goodness i am abnormal...

and the body sighs, laughed out, and blinks back into existence for the briefest moment before blinking again back into oblivion... this is life in human form in this world at this time and i finally fit in...

such a waste, and yet, a success... would amy be proud?... would the others who thought me too idealistic and lacking in common sense when i refused to conform and die, living dead cuz that was the way everyone chose?... and what if i chose to wake now?...

does anyone understand?

:)

dare i not?

or dare i do?... climbing on the scale again is not happening lately, but i suspect i've rises well above 200 again... so let's see... yup. though not as bad as i almost thought, still at 202 all this time after the holidays... indulging in food cuz it tastes so good, cuz masturbation is simply not enough stimulation for the body cuz the taste buds are so sensual too and i am so very oral (come to think of it, i do miss kissing)...

anyway, drop 30 pounds by when? :}

video game diet update

i stopped to play a video game that helped me focus on dropping the weight i piled on during a few years of imbalanced diet and when i returned to daily blogging more than ever, i find the past month has unfocused the balance i had achieved in the diet and have regained at least ten of the almost forty pounds i lost during the two or so months of what i semi-jokingly called the video game diet...