potty training

the human body is really built inconveniently... i refer to the physical need to empty the bladder daily, usually a few times a day or more even if the choice is to drink a healthy amount of fluid, and empty the bowels more or less daily... everything in our modern culture is built around toilets, bathrooms, rest rooms, water closets, lavatories, johns, or whatever we choose to call the place we leave our excrements... imagine a life without having to poop and pee and wipe and wash every few hours or clean the bathroom, for that matter... these are some thoughts that being immobile have inspired lately as every trip to the bathroom is a painful chore...

stop it, life

well, to be more precised, it's stop it, worklife cuz the worklife is killing the foot... the most challenging day yet thanks to problems ignored... i am the clean up guy, but today there were a few messes i simply could not clean up and the foot had nothing to do with it... on my feet much much more than any day since the ouch started and exhaustion almost overrides the numb bomb set to go off when i remove the boot tonight... maybe i will fall asleep first... and somehow i must feel up to a shower tonight or early tomorrow morning... and i may miss the doctor's appointment in the morning if it was tomorrow morning cuz i complete forgot which day the appointment is and i did not get a reminder this time and the work from today spilled over so i must be there to hold hands in the morning... dang foot doesn't like the idea... but whatever, all i can do is rest rest rest... right, whatever...

good days, bad days

whatever good and bad might mean... tolerable pain, totally distracting pain, there's a better title... so i recall feeling optimistic some time late on sunday after resting the entire weekend and then after laying down, there was an increase in the pain enough to keep me awake, but somehow i fell asleep and then yesterday it was moderate most of the day and then, swelling returned when i got home and pain rose enough after dark for me to still be awake after midnight and i reached for aspirins somewhere later and woke every hour... works then kept me on my feet way more than any day since the injury, so the foot is puffing up and kinda throbbing numb... hopefully it doesn't lose it's numb too soon... dang foot...

freakin foot

i gave in and took four aspirins some time during the late morning because i was not gonna work well without them cuz of the distraction... and now i am not sleeping at the moment because of the same distraction... about 80 hours without any pain medication tells me the injury is more foot than ankle and it will not be healing in a week or two, dammit... i did not move the doctor's appointment up, even if i should have, and am still taking it day by day... it does not appear to be getting worse... the swelling is way down, though still present throughout the foot and ankle and a bit of the lower leg... the pain is localized (when off pain meds) to the outer (anterior) center foot (bone or connective tissue) and the outer (left front) foot/ankle connection (connective tissue) the rear right space in front of the heel (two chips off the tibia) and just behind the ball (bone or soft tissue, i had immediate bubble swelling there after the twist so i either popped a blood vessel or disclocated a foot bone, either way it seems the pressure of continuing to run on the foot for another hour and a half after the injury reset or pressed out the bubble)... also dealing with more muscle cramping aching from the inactivity and the redistribution of muscle use...

feel free to sympathize and if you are a really tolerant understanding infinitely patient nurse, feel free to come over and wipe my brow now and then... an occasional hug/cuddle wouldn't hurt much either...

sheeesh...

wow, really?

the last blog i wrote in besides the dailies was this one?... wow, but you know this really ought to be a daily as the theme/topic used to be and should be and is even if i don't write about it and record the details... oh well, life (as in the body) does not last forever (not that i need to actively cooperated with the ultimate end, aye?)...

so what brings me here is the neck again... ordinarily it does not ache unless i am overtired or sitting in the recliner head forward typing too long but more and more i am noticing a potential connection with food, as in, it hurts immediately after i eat... and the ear rings a lot louder too... so something glandular to do with increased sugar processing or simply elevating blood pressure or some other food intake related cause?... or is it just the muscle pain i used to get now and then as a younger fool that reminded me to keep my spine aligned as opposed to sloughing and hunching and all that human stuff... or something else...

in any case, the pain is annoying cuz it is distracting... and today i hardly sat at all so far as i've been cleaning and laundrying and rearranging the space, but anyway, the body thought and i recorded the thoughts here... cuz someday someone might want to know... and more immediately, cuz i want to remember (especially in case i ever get back to a doctor for a checkup, ya know?)...

seriously, enjoy life no matter what the body says... and love the body, it's the only one you may ever have... thanks body, merry xmas lol :)

bumping it up

free lunch at work, so i eat barbecued meat... dinner invite from roommate, so i eat sushi for dinner... then cupcakes... and finishing the night with chips and chocolate milk... belly grows... social eating... exercise (three softball games last night, but then the team went to celebrate winning the championship so fried shrimp and mountain dew... more ountain dew today), but not vigorous enough and so, bloat... age too... and who cares besides me (and do i care enough?)...

well, balancing the hedonism and health-nut life is not always perfect, but hey, we can always try again tomorrow as long as i wake up again, right? :)

feel free to jump in anytime :)

yeah, right

so after dropping a bit of revealing connection type information here for the offering for those who care enough to explore beyond the body thoughts, i chose to push through the abdominal distress and play softball (running hard, hitting well, pitching even better, yay) and then fast food frenzy the body tonight, including the mountain dew... so far, the body is not screaming in rebellion (if we do not count the ear ringing that warns of the blood pressure which is definitely high after the fast food and sugar-caffiene rush), but the wisdom behind the impulse knows better...

still, it turns me on (the physical pleasures of life, that is)... i so relate to the messenger character in city of angels even if the body thinks that just might be suicidal thinking... loving the hedonistic life for as long as it lasts...

and how are you? :)

last seen heading in a circular direction

out for another run, 6 laps 2358 and 7 in 28:23, tougher than the past two runs cuz of fatigue, meat fatigue as i call it, and the heat of the day too and a bit of grogginess and not having the mind just right so the stamina wasn't quite there so the first lap was a push to keep it under 4 minutes as was every other lap, but heck, still did the 6 laps in under 4 minutes a lap so sigh (i mean yay)...

still eating the meatloaf so the wight is not changing, maybe even going up... the legsa are thin as ever, but the torso continues to be blooated... next week, maybe the diet will balance better... and sleep and other stuff and gee by golly wiz, i'm awful tired now... and just lonely enough to still be awake writing, aye?...

ought to get some sleep, huh? (narf :)

belly bloat

yeah, again, the belly bloat was quite noticeable as i tried to swing the bat at softball today as my arms felt like lead weights and my belly taunted my back and so i barely swung cuz i did not want to strain anything further than already strained by the belly bloat and while pitching went fine, i must reduce the belly bloat and strengthen my core and upper body if i want to actually hit with any consitency and reasonable power... so says the body, core, torso, and arms especially... we did win both games and i walked twice and would have walked a third time if i wanted to but the last time up we were up something like 19-3 so i just swung at a bad pitch with a 3-1 count and lined the ball at the second baseman who dropped it but the runner on first did not run and therefore was tagged out... shows up late, misses the first game, complains all game, and no hustle, but i didn't say anything to her as we won big... my focus remains on the belly bloat s it should... tomorrow...

gym at midnight

running on caffeine and adrenaline, only 3-4 hours sleep and still, made it to the gym around midnight and the body loved it, even if the heart gives out tomorrow, it felt fantastic tonight... and without a lover, after all, what pleasure can i experience... masturbation, exercise, creative play, and food...

meet me at the gym at midnight :)

wow, cellular memory

i forget almost every time in every conscious way when i disassociate myself from the physical shell (and the body laughs it's maniacal suicidal cheesy grin laugh as it does not have much choice and it knows it on that cellular memory level that the consciousness avoids so often, but every now and then a glimmer of a glimpse, a sliver of memory slices through as if to be placed on a slide and probes by an electron microscope (cuz that is how thin a slice it is most of the time) and when the brain turns on it's subatomic eye to perceive (because it is beyond human sight as we know it) the cellular memory, the brain floats through a sea of emotions made of every extreme as the temporary journey of life saves it from the utter despair and depths of depression that the daily suicidal choices would ordinarily bring to the ordinary normal mind...

thank goodness i am abnormal...

and the body sighs, laughed out, and blinks back into existence for the briefest moment before blinking again back into oblivion... this is life in human form in this world at this time and i finally fit in...

such a waste, and yet, a success... would amy be proud?... would the others who thought me too idealistic and lacking in common sense when i refused to conform and die, living dead cuz that was the way everyone chose?... and what if i chose to wake now?...

does anyone understand?

:)

ironiculous

ridicuny?... yes, well, i am here... the game broke and i am here... i pigged out on pizza and chocolate and chips and the stuff i had not had in months this week, and i am here... i dropped 40 pounds as of last week and gained back 10 this week and i am here... ironic?... ridiculous?... silly me, making good progress, but what fun is progress without some slippage... three steps forward, two steps back, and one to the side... that's the ticket... the great news is i now consider 185 fat... imagine how out of touch i was when i was over 220... playing softball 4x a week... doing a bit of running... working way too many hours... eating mostly very healthy (in spite of the divergence of this week)... the body smiles, the mouth laughs, the happy medium is on the horizon... life is good, even though it's still lonely, it's very good... how about you? :)

circular motion

yeah, up and down, back to 192, back to 199.8, and round and round and round again... that was may... focus just was not there... maybe it was the disappointment in the people (softball teams, work colleagues, old friends, the human race, all the little things)... maybe it was the unresolved (uninvited?)... maybe it was (was?... isn't it still is-ing?... like now?) just boredom fueling the ambivalence that replaced the joyous optimism and hope and belief in love and life and pleasure and caring and sharing and peace and love (did i meantion love?) and happiness and romance and passion and idealism and beauty and promises and love (mustn't forget the love) and the dreams... maybe it's just getting old...

so why am i still giggling?

fall and rise

focus got me all the way down to 192 and then, unfocus got me back up to 199.2... not 200 thoughg, so maybe there's something to those famous last words i uttered here recently... so 190 by june 1st?... another crash end of month rally?... can't be too good for the heart and other vital organs, but madness runs in the brain... poor body, it is only a pawn in the brain's insane delusions and madcap adventures... if only it wasn't alone, aye?...

time for me

screaming through a runny nose that has me hacking enough to actually pour nighttime cough/cold medicine down my throat still is not keeping me home or increasing the sleep time so desperately needed for fighting off the bugs inside and rebuilding the frayed immune system that is allowing this cold/flu bug to take hold... no rest for the idiot desperately seeking attention and social interaction... i know it is the holiday season when social opportunities are frequent and hiding out leaves us all the more lonely all year, but sheesh... and i know he isn't trying to kill me, but he sure is not taking care of me right... somebody smack him and put me to bed for a week... preferably with an adorable nurse...

sincerely,
the body

apparently not listening

so the rest is not coming, the unpacking is slow, and the stumble in the soft sand let the high pop-up slam down on the left chest wall (better than the face, aye?) and now, after the emergency room ruled out a heart/lung crisis, costochondritis wherein the cartlidge between the ribs is inflammed, and even more specifically, tietze syndrome, where swelling spreads the pain, is a constant visitor (cuz it only hurts when i breathe)... from the er to the softball field (to pitch seven full innings and win) proved the er was right, but the pain, maria, but the pain... can i stop breathing for a while?... and moving?...

bbbbloat

two days of eating a bit more sensibly (would have been four, or even five, but influences arrived to change the path) and yet, still feeling bloated... it is amazing what you do to me (says the body)... so uncomfortable... so undermining... so dumb...

yes, thank you body, i can use all the positive pep talks i can get, not that i listen, even to you... but hey, you've got your space to complain, suggest, vent, even fantasize about girls on treadmills... how come nobody uses the pool around here?...

one day at a time...

body aches

it has ached better (have i?), but still it's better than it has been and yet it bloats from waist to fingers and muscles whisper what a fool i've been (yes, you have)... but only in the physical world (ummmm)... only in the physical world (where do you think i live, idjit?).

the right arm, especially what is called tennis elbow even though mine comes from pitching a softball close to a thousand times a week, is stiff... the legs, especially calves, are stiff from all the steps of the move (second floor to second floor)... and while the arms and legs beg for food, especially protein but also all the other food groups, the extra 20-30 pounds that is the belly remains an intruder slowing me down and getting in my way (obviously diet will not change this, nor the exercise of running and lifting and softball i do... it's gonna take (shudder) abs work... yes, abdominal exercise... sits ups, which used to be a favorite as a younger child and an ego boost as a teen (as i was confident i could do more sit-ups faster in one sitting than anyone at school, just as i was confident i could out-distance run anybody as well), the same sit-ups that are not the dread of dreads for this body when it comes to exercise... obviously, the body needs a good fit sex partner...

don'tcha just love my obvious solutions... obviouslies (eye roll, pppllleeasse:)

obviously not enough

Dear Brain,

Yes, playing softball twice a week is better than nothing, much better than nothing, actually (and hopefully it will be twice a week, though for the moment it looks like it might only be once a week, dammit), but it is obviously not enough. Do you hear me brain? I am slowly dying at a gradually increase rate with each lazy year and if you do not send signals to the legs to run more and to the other muscles to exercise more, I will be dead (and that just might be the end of you, for all we know). Besides, I will perform much better (and you will be much happier, especially your ego) if you get me in better shape.

Sincerely,
Your Body

less sleep

just when i thought i could not cut sleep time down any further and still enjoy an active successful life, i am sleeping less than ever before in this life (who says such madness is for the young?... and who says i am old?)... and you tell me i, body, am bold, brazen, but also a fool on the edge of death due to living without sleeping...

and eating twice as much as i need, if i was sane, i'd ask for a lobotomy.

if i was crazy, i'd give myself one.

instead, i sit here wishing someone would come along and share the living beyond sleep deprivation and sensual stupor none have yet to share in this life... dreaming wide awake, drifing through the starry starry night like a comet, acting as if i will never burn out.

body talks, who listens?