the taco bell diet

is not a wise diet to be on for anyone over 20 years old who is not a serious athlete... being that i am not either anymore, do the math... and taco bell is being used as an example here cuz other stuff like pizza and many other foods can be just as not wise in abundance and too often and when not exercising enough... and pigging out as i tend to do, well, even more foolish... sometimes it's loneliness, the sensory high of food... but the body puts up with it cuz it is only occasional (first time in about a month) and there is exercise involved (two games of softball earlier)... i have been away from this body talk in part cuz i have been away from the computer at home (everywhere except the daily (e)thereal blog) but the healing has been going well, though i am not exercising as much as i ought to for similar reasons to the being away from the computer... simply, working... that's a good thing for the wallet and bank and people i pay for stuff each month... good for me too, even though retirement would be better... anyway, busy adjusting to a new schedule and doing stuff...

hopefully the rainy season is over cuz softball was rained out more than it happened in the past two months plus and and i will get more exercise that way... the foot, wrapped tightly, is doing pretty well as i run the bases and feel more agile fielding with each passing week... and i will (will will will it!) get back to jog-walking more often...

and drop the weight, yeah, lay off the taco bell diet for a while :)

slight delay

yeah, so last weekend was a slight fiasco when it came to the rehab process as my morale was flushed down the toilet and blah blah blah so i skipped this week and distracted myself with intellectual fun and food and yeah, probably put on a pound or few (though i must say i have been amazingly disciplined during these past almost four months (yes, 4 months) of inactivity as i have not gained a net pound from the day of injury through today even with some gain this week, which, is you've read me and know how much i love food {and how much food is a comfort and how much i've needed comfort during this first serious injury of this lifetime and new very lonely rehab process, not to mention other major life changes any good therapist would welcome my money to discuss for months, at least... psyche, aye?}, is quite seriously outstanding will power, discipline, and healthy habits... even moreso as my roommate has gained weight during this period, partly because she is exercising less because her primary exercise partner {that would be me} is, alas, off his feet a lot)...

anyway, perhaps it is time to renew the rehab mentality and while avoiding the critical strangers who have less sensitivity than i would like (it is sad that i must accept a lack of a supportive caring world once again, but then, that is the world i was born into and accepted it very young, so the fact that naivety and hopefulness survives in me as it does is, again, pretty amazing... so i'm a pretty amazing dude, aye?... well just look at all this positive self-talk... jackson would be so proud), stepping out to social physical activity (softball fields) again next weekend... enough grumbling about set backs, not quite full speed ahead, but forward... next weekend (oh go ahead, i'm laughing at myself :)

foot report: walking better, faster, jogging a bit with discomfort but no sharp pains... ankle report, similar... still very wobbling and not pivoting well, not putting full body weight on it yet... leg report: muscles occasionally cramping, weak but improving... body report: blah blah blah blah... eat better, exercise more, sex would be nice...

extended rest

since i have the time (as i am free of the responsibility of a daily job at the moment) to prolong the rest and inactivity part of this rehabilitation (for better or worse), i have been what we might call, extending the rest and even, lazy (not that i've ever considered that a possibility at any point in this life... if you would see me, you'd be seeing me pointing at the archives of this very blog as a starting point as i laugh at myself)... but on the other hand, all the reading i've done about planar fascia injuries suggests there are likely to be long term problems if rushed, so the luxury of this rest may be the best medicine and the work-ethic suicide pattern so normal in this world can just take a flying leap, na na na na na...

i am getting a might flabby though, so exercise would be wise too (just saying, in case i actually read this and take it seriously one day)... snarky narf :)

pushing the limits further

the foot - walking up to an hour a day, almost, and gearing up for serious physical therapy that i will research and provide for myself...

the body - the buzz of changing habits to return to exercise and keep an old promise (marathon the year i cut my hair) is screaming even louder than the tinnitus (which is quite mind-occupyingly loud lately) and hopefully i will actually start soon...

the hair - gone... so much more to say, but no sleep x3+ days = blah blah blah...

brain - no sleep for 3+ days, distracted, unfocused, bearly blurry blah blah blah...

more to follow, we hope :}

stop it, life

well, to be more precised, it's stop it, worklife cuz the worklife is killing the foot... the most challenging day yet thanks to problems ignored... i am the clean up guy, but today there were a few messes i simply could not clean up and the foot had nothing to do with it... on my feet much much more than any day since the ouch started and exhaustion almost overrides the numb bomb set to go off when i remove the boot tonight... maybe i will fall asleep first... and somehow i must feel up to a shower tonight or early tomorrow morning... and i may miss the doctor's appointment in the morning if it was tomorrow morning cuz i complete forgot which day the appointment is and i did not get a reminder this time and the work from today spilled over so i must be there to hold hands in the morning... dang foot doesn't like the idea... but whatever, all i can do is rest rest rest... right, whatever...

footless

kinda wish i was tonight... not really, but... ok, so i have not moved the foot since the last entry and feeling all isolated and lonely with nobody to talk to tonight and feeling all lame cuz the foot really hurt the last time i moved it and sitting here is getting more challenging cuz the bladder wants to empty and you really wanted to know all this, right?... body thoughts, remember?...

yeah, well ok, so i paused a moment and stood up and grabbed the crutches and took a half a step and nope, not walking any more tonight... sitting immobile again... neck stiff... ear ringing... stomach grumbling... hungry, achy, tired in so many ways, lonely, no wonder people give up and die in these bodies... life gets so old when nobody wants to come out to play anymore...

i'd rather be dancing...

freakin foot

i gave in and took four aspirins some time during the late morning because i was not gonna work well without them cuz of the distraction... and now i am not sleeping at the moment because of the same distraction... about 80 hours without any pain medication tells me the injury is more foot than ankle and it will not be healing in a week or two, dammit... i did not move the doctor's appointment up, even if i should have, and am still taking it day by day... it does not appear to be getting worse... the swelling is way down, though still present throughout the foot and ankle and a bit of the lower leg... the pain is localized (when off pain meds) to the outer (anterior) center foot (bone or connective tissue) and the outer (left front) foot/ankle connection (connective tissue) the rear right space in front of the heel (two chips off the tibia) and just behind the ball (bone or soft tissue, i had immediate bubble swelling there after the twist so i either popped a blood vessel or disclocated a foot bone, either way it seems the pressure of continuing to run on the foot for another hour and a half after the injury reset or pressed out the bubble)... also dealing with more muscle cramping aching from the inactivity and the redistribution of muscle use...

feel free to sympathize and if you are a really tolerant understanding infinitely patient nurse, feel free to come over and wipe my brow now and then... an occasional hug/cuddle wouldn't hurt much either...

sheeesh...

it is too easy to vege

especially when the love of writing draws me to sit for hours at the laptop tapping the keys, but not only that, the SPAM volume and internet distractions can take so much time away from active activities (as i spend an hour deleting emails tonight as i type these words realizing how much pigging out i have done lately and how work gets in the way of good rest, good sleep, and good exercise even more than the writing or distractions or laziness does, alas, the world is set up to kill us before we truly get to live and long before we have to die, probably because human beings would not be able to live peacefully given too much free time, at least not at our current evolutionary state, alas, alack, cha cha cha)...

perhaps i will survive the year and change my ways before it is too late...

there is always hope :}

issues with tissues

human tissues, in fact, most specifically anal fissure tissue tears, ouch... the body ages differently for everyone i suppose and my butt is aging faster than any other body part (ya reckon?)... sure, you are so happy you stopped in to read this latest body thought, aren't you?... cuz prep h is such a wonderfully fun (not to mention cozy and comfertable) subject (or ointment) to share... doesn't really matter what i eat, these bouts of tears come and go as does the hard and soft stools... it's more dependent on exercise and temperature i think... the first really colder weather brings it on, as does a lazy month... eating tough meats like over-cooked beef or pork (or even bird) does not help... milk sometimes goes one way and sometimes the opposite... ah yes, a magical mystery tour through my digestive track would be an odd and curious ride... anybody have a spare yellow submarine?...

otherwise, it's been a lazy month without softball and with pigging out parties and no motivation to exercise and chillier temps (supposed to drop below freezing tonight... i know, my friend up north mourn my climate plight, nyuk nyuk :)

here's to more life this year, aye? :)

wow, really?

the last blog i wrote in besides the dailies was this one?... wow, but you know this really ought to be a daily as the theme/topic used to be and should be and is even if i don't write about it and record the details... oh well, life (as in the body) does not last forever (not that i need to actively cooperated with the ultimate end, aye?)...

so what brings me here is the neck again... ordinarily it does not ache unless i am overtired or sitting in the recliner head forward typing too long but more and more i am noticing a potential connection with food, as in, it hurts immediately after i eat... and the ear rings a lot louder too... so something glandular to do with increased sugar processing or simply elevating blood pressure or some other food intake related cause?... or is it just the muscle pain i used to get now and then as a younger fool that reminded me to keep my spine aligned as opposed to sloughing and hunching and all that human stuff... or something else...

in any case, the pain is annoying cuz it is distracting... and today i hardly sat at all so far as i've been cleaning and laundrying and rearranging the space, but anyway, the body thought and i recorded the thoughts here... cuz someday someone might want to know... and more immediately, cuz i want to remember (especially in case i ever get back to a doctor for a checkup, ya know?)...

seriously, enjoy life no matter what the body says... and love the body, it's the only one you may ever have... thanks body, merry xmas lol :)

letting it go again

the body, the bloat, the weight... indulging the taste buds cuz there is not time for any other pleasures as work fills the calendar every day lately and nobody is around to do anything else in the few moments away from work... a body craves sensual pleasures, after all...

major pigging out

jackson left for five days and i went nuts... is it the loneliness?... the pity party?... the self-indulgeance?... something else?... whatever, pasta and cheese and chocolate, oh my... probably gain ten pounds in these five days of madness... someday i'll die... wonder if i'll drop the weight and get optimal health back first... wish you were here :)

weighty thoughts

amused enough by this (e)thereal entry that probably belonged here that i bring it here, yeah, that's right, i'm bringing it...

i have a doctor's appointment on monday and kinda sorta lead him to believe i would seriously consider a limited partial almost committment to actual dietary changes to fascilitate actual weight loss and gee, i didn't do it... so do i semi-starve myself for the next five days or do i celebrate my four day weekend with the dinner i so deserve and kinda sorta want...

the decision, for the moment at least, is to eat a can of vegetable soup. a bag of light pop corn, and some raw unsalted pecans... my taste buds are moderately unimpressed and that part of my brain craving a meatball parm sub is cursing my higher functioning brain's decision...

i don't know if i'll keep this up till monday, but i did wake early and run this morning... and will a week (i've been eating light and healthy since monday) of sudden strict healthy light diet will really matter?... only if it's followed by thirty more weeks (or at least days) of the same to change the metabolism and drop the weight and then, the occasional new york hot dog with red onions (had more than a few of those sunday) and meatball parm sub and massive extra everything pizza and piles of pasta with rich sauces and and decadent chocolate mousse cake and milk shakes and and and...

this does not bode well for a week of serious change... but at least there is a start... perhaps one day of decadence a week might keep the wight loss program on track until the magic 180 (heck, i remember a lower number being the goal once upon a time) mark is reached once again...

sure, time will tell :)

duh duh doh doh doh

and the neck is a bit better most days, but the bloat remains and foolishness or hedonism, life slowly rolls playfully toward it's end in this body as the blood pressure remains high and the ssugar levels near high and other stuff too... and no exercise other than the softball several times a week and the occasional 5k and other stuff, which is more than some and i weightr less than most and still, the body is warned by the doctors and i have no time to focus on will power or wanting to live longer than today to do any different...

and how are you? :}

survival

yes, the body survived the worst of the recent attack (and i know i allowed it as a way to give myself more me time) and as the body heals i wonder if i woke up enough to realize the hedonistic buddha is a pleasure for the mouth and some parts of the brain and body (cuz the chemicals in sugars and fats and caffeine are trippy), but it leaves other parts of the body over-stressed and semi-numb (like the heart, kidneys, liver, skin, muscles, and sex organs, for that matter... what?... you didn't know fats and sugars and caffeiene are leading causes of impotence?... luckily i am so freaking over-sexed it just brings me down to almost normal... who's kidding? lol lam)...

so is it time to turn the cycle around again?...

there's always hope :)

aches fading

was achy until tonight cuz this weekend was moving, box after box after box and furniture and achy all over, but getting better now... just don't have enough rest time cuz there's work work work...

hope this body lives long enough to really rest and relax and experience the whole of everything one more time before it dies :}

belly bloat

yeah, again, the belly bloat was quite noticeable as i tried to swing the bat at softball today as my arms felt like lead weights and my belly taunted my back and so i barely swung cuz i did not want to strain anything further than already strained by the belly bloat and while pitching went fine, i must reduce the belly bloat and strengthen my core and upper body if i want to actually hit with any consitency and reasonable power... so says the body, core, torso, and arms especially... we did win both games and i walked twice and would have walked a third time if i wanted to but the last time up we were up something like 19-3 so i just swung at a bad pitch with a 3-1 count and lined the ball at the second baseman who dropped it but the runner on first did not run and therefore was tagged out... shows up late, misses the first game, complains all game, and no hustle, but i didn't say anything to her as we won big... my focus remains on the belly bloat s it should... tomorrow...

what?

here i am again and my first thought was that i haven't been here in a while and i see i was here yesterday and that may be a sign of being overworked out of touch and losing my mind (as if it ever was all mind in the first place, as if it could be anybody else's, as if my self-mockery isn't thinly disguised arrogance, or perhaps the insecurity and helpless whining is the facade that keeps me amused {and alone} while i am waiting for the one cha cha cha) and doggonit, tired...

lately the neck, upper and lower, has been paining kind of naggingly enough to have a queasy stomach at times and even a frontal lobe headache now and then and did i the occasional foot cramps... fatigue, definitely, but i wonder what else... core muscle weakness, probably, but else?... eating one meal a day late at night and sleeping uncomfortably in a recliner or lumpy bed covered in dirty laundry?... likely... too much time sitting at a computer staring at a screen typing and moving a mouse?... ding ding ding, i think we have a winner... though the other things too...

like, ummm, maybe blood pressure (did i say that?)...

and yet, the mind and heart and core me wants to write and share even if the body cannot keep up with it... help me if you can i'm feeling down, la la la la.... so how are you? :}

a bottom line

yeah, well, the bottome line (or at least one of them) is that i am not attractive to myself today, so anyone finding me attractive does not share my perspective of what is attractive and therefore, is not compatible... it is really so simple when clarity illuminates the brain, there's no point and only foolishness that supports confusion in any attempt to explain further...

so this is why nobody plays with me today (can you hear my body talk)... masterbation is more fun than sex with an unattractive body... my loss, but also my fun... compromise, my way... or something like that...

had a moment

yes, a brief moment of clarity the other night when i skipped dinner and went to bed right after work and slept twelve hours and felt the weight of the bloat almost left and then, got home the second night and bloated up again... one of these days, change the pattern (before death to i part, aye?)...

stop the stupid, k? :}


.

P.S... and an hour later, i found myself coming home from the gym to write this update... the bloat and flab is large, but i did move again, treadmill and elliptical... now if i just keep that up for the next three hundred nights, at least... five hundred nights would be better... join me? :)