Cause For Concern

There is growing concern in the sub-net of my brain about the apparent deterioration (or lack of healing) of the skin just inside and outside of the anus. Several GI Specialists tell me there's nothing concerning in the rectum when they look in there. A colonoscopy from Feb 2017 came up clean. A Hematologist and Nephroogist have given me clean bills of health (heavy on the bills). The last visual exam was last month by a PA at a highly respected GI Center and she said to use Desitin, not to wash it off, and made it seem as though it was a bad case of diaper rash.

What I know and tell them is that it has become progressively worse over at least the last 3 years. That it started as what I thought was an occasional hemorrhoid flare up maybe ten years ago that would occur a couple of times a year after hard bowel movement. That was treated with over the counter suppositories and the flare up would go away in a day or two.

This increased over the course of a decade and moreso in the last three years. Over the last year, the skin has not been healing most of the time. Anal fissures developed and they are not healing either. I am following all the medical advice, rinsing after bowel movements, keeping clean and dry, not rubbing or wiping with anything even remotely abrasive (wet wipes only, just lightly before the rinse, mostly because of the texture).

The texture of the feces has made this much more challenging since this recent C;Diff incident which started in late February. That symptom is not completely gone, though I have not gotten definitive results as to whether the soft pasty smelly stools are due to C.Diff or due to the intestinal bacterial damage that takes time to rebuild.

In any case, what I experience is increasing pain and bleeding over several years to the point where now, almost every bowel movement produces the pain and bleeding and that is not something I want to be told is nothing to worry about.

I'm gonna print this and take it to my next doctor's appointments. Thanks for asking and helping me explain it once again. Maybe this explains it better than I have explained it before (I may have a failure to communicate going on with more than a few doctors and PAs. :)

I only know what I say, not what others hear.

Did you say something?

Hopefully you will :)

I Caved

The triggers were all there neatly lined up in a row. Jackson in public. Heading back here alone. Fatigue (lack of sleep). Reaching out to the friends I have and realizing they are wrapped up in their own worlds, like Jackson, and I am not part of it. My place in this world is the outsider, the drifter, the loner. Anyway, I caved in and after the Chinese Buffet yesterday, I went Taco Bell crazy tonight and probably put 4000 calories in me. The food blog can tell you more.

All without blood pressure medications and with a doctor's appointment in two days.

So now I either rededicate myself to a week of 1000 calories days with continued increasing exercise, or I just give up on live, give into the foodie, and eat myself to death the way so many people in our culture do. I did play softball today. Poorly. The team did not seem to want to be there and my lack of sleep affected my leadership and ability to see the ball.

It is time for sleep, I hope I find some.

Alone can be so futile sometimes.

Take care of each other.

Almost Panting

Today marks day four of the newly initiated jog.walk routine and either day three, four, or five (I may check the daily blog to see that more clearly, if it's there) of the lower calorie daily intake routine. I was almost panting when I finished and today I doubled the distance of both the jog and the run, alternating each. Very short distances, maybe .1 mile, very weak times. Today is the first day of recording this change, so...

DATE 4/25/18 4/26/18 4/27/18 4/18/18

DISTANCE 1 Block x2 1 Block x2 1 Block x2 1 Block x4

TOTAL TIME 5:00+ @ 5:00 under 5:00 7:20

JOG TIME @ 1:50 @ 1:45 @ 1.15 1:15

WALK TIME @ 3:20 @ 3:15 @ 2:50 @ 2:15

Alrighty then, I remembered how to do tables. Mostly. Now to just copy and paste that somewhere so I might actually keep track of progress. I'll need to add columns in a larger spreadsheet for conditions (weather {temp, humidity, precipitation, other}, a few columns for body talk (muscles/pain, muscles/strength, lungs/stamina, heart/signs, and specifics, at least). and more fields I used to keep track of when I was a daily runner (and I mean runner, not jog/walker... sub 5 minute miles were expected daily, as were 15+ mile run at least once a week... I may never get back there, but I want a routine sub-10 minute mile again and would like routine sub 8 minute miles again... we shall see if I can satisfaction).

The first three days were at early morning sunrise with temps about 70 and humidity the whatever the average is for Central Florida. Today the temp was 80 and humidity 38%, which is very low for around here. The body is dealing with the reawakening better than expected, especially with the limited calories.

No poops since the first day (when the high protein made for the hardest poop I've had in months, but it was still soft and what medical people would call near perfect (see the everybody poops entry for links to details if you want more).

Interestingly, the ligaments around the interior right ankle bone at the base of the tibia (the break from a few years ago, or was it longer, maybe seven years ago?) produced about a 6 pain at first and then about a 3 pain as I jogged the second lap. The calves and hamstrings were tight and lactic acid came quickly to produce about a 3 pain there. The lower back was tight, but maybe a 1-2 pain.

Stamina was better than the first day, but still very poor as when I turned to job the block back I decided to stop and walk the block back so I could recover and try a second lap, which worked. Muscle stamina was terrible, which is to be expected since the only nunning I've done in the last few years is around the bases and while I can sprint those, even sprint home to home, without pain or panting, distance jog/running is a whole different experience for the muscles and lungs (and heart and everything else, for that matter).

Calorie intact has been restricted for the past three days (see the food blog for more details on the foods I eat). The first mostly protein low-calorie meal was 4/25, so today marks day four. No calories yet today. Yesterday maybe about 1200 calories. The day before was less than 300 calories. The day before that was probably around 1000 calories. Reduced carbs and minimal fat. Prior to that I was carb-loading with rice, mostly, as I was combating C.Diff since February. The weight increased about 10-15 pounds. I love my complex carbs, but this body turns them into stored fat so easily I must consider them a treat and not a daily staple.

So there is the first relatively full record of the first relatively decent kick-start of the umpteenth new chapter in this body. Time to shower and head out as there's a party with the game friends and dinner with another friend tonight and somehow I'll try to do both.

Welcome back my friends to the show that seems to begin all over again. A lot.

Narf :)

Still Breathing

I wonder if anyone reads this and if so, who... in any case, I had a bit of a paradigm shift yesterday as a dream woke me up and you'll just have to walk through the written gardens for more details (see amy), but the body has risen the past two mornings (once on 10+ hours sleep and once on 4 hours sleep) to run (though I use the work run loosely... slow but mostly steady jog), which is a major change. I have not initiated morning runs in a very long time. I seem to want to continue.

Last night and tonight I changed dietary habits dramatically, eating mostly protein (after many weeks of carb-kicking, rice and pasta, in response to the digestive crap (we'll get to that in a moment, but crap it is, and stinky crap at that). The food blog pauses more lately, but last night I ate chicken salad made with light mayo and nothing else and tonight, so far, nothing due to the rather painful bowel movement (did I mention the digestive system reacted poorly?... If not, I will). Maybe I just want some wonky lab results to get the doctor's attention. Munch much? I don't think so, I just want someone to help stop the painful bowel movements and rectal/anal bleeding rather than just sending me to another doctor. I don't ask much.

Where did we leave off on the digestive journey? I finally found a well-respected GI specialist and had tests and C.Diff was the diagnosis and I went on the antibiotic that starts with V and took is for three weeks (what can I say, I did miss a dose or two in the 14 day regime that included a softball tournament in Dallas and a very busy life for a QID med. I forget to eat lunch most days, I'm expected to remember yet another pill? Of course, if I want it to work.

Anyway, I went for the follow up labs last week and no results back yet. There are good days and challenging days depending on my activity level, what I eat, and other factors including stress, how much I sit, and how much I sleep. I still play back and the past two days and as I mentioned, I've challenged myself to wake up early and run and walk before work. The digestive system reacted poorly, but I will not go quietly. I will (intend to very positively and firmly) wake again tomorrow and hopefully every day from now on and do a little bit more morning run/walk from now on for as long as I am able.

I have a Hematologist appointment next week and will get blood drawn tomorrow morning. Hopefully the results will be ready for the appointment, once again I forgot and am late so I may not get the results in hand as I prefer. You'd think a medial issue that gets progressively works over the course of three years (or more) might have some sort of diagnosis and remedy by now, but a half dozen specialists all say it's nothing to worry about and offer no treatment that works. While this is a six month follow-up for anemia, I will ask (beg, plead) for some feedback on the progressive anal bleed.

My last instructions were to see a dermatologist, but I have not decided on one yet. I mean, a how many different specialists must look up my ass, anyway? I want a dermatologist anyway for some dry flaky skin issues, some occasional rash issues, and the usual skin cancer tests people who live and spend a lot of time outdoors in Florida for decades should get.

Still no primary. I finally found one I was really excited about, but got a very firm no new patients and an apology when I said but my health insurance list him as accepting new patients. Sigh. The bummer is I am almost out of blood pressure medication and I stopped taking them. Sure, stop the BP meds for the first time in a couple of years and start running during the same week, there's a challenge for you, aye body?

Nephrologist, Hematologist, GI Surgeon, GI Specialist, Dermatologist,, whom I leaving out?

Is it time for the cario-stress test yet?

So how are you?.

Narf :)

Everybody Poops

I'll just slip this one in here while nobody's looking...

At least in some way, shape, or form, we humans have to get the waste products of processing foods to stay alive somehow. There are even blogs dedicated to recording visual images of daily poops for posterity. Or maybe for health reasons. Ah yes, doctor, this blog chronologically recording his poops shows us why he died. If only he brought his poops in to us instead of posting them on the web. Some realize it is a natural part of life, even if it can be very unsanitary.

There is a lot of facts and trivia about poop out there. There are also a lot of different perspectives and attitudes about poop and pooping. Science presents some interesting ideas, like how much money can be made by collecting and processing poop. Not to mention energy. Sadly, America is way behind the rest of the modern world in accepting poop or pooping and it leads to such ignorance that we are a surprisingly unsanitary culture. Pooping is not nearly as taboo elsewhere. So many people are so afraid of nudity. Or anything natural, for that matter. Sad self-destructive culture in that way.

But who gives a shit, right? Maybe this will help...



So for whatever reason, my mind wandered from the body to what the body produces and rather than let it slip out too much in all the wrong places (as it was starting to in a few other blogs, including the foodie blog), I decided to come here and search the internet until I had my fill of discussing poop. I'll let you know when that happens.


My roommmate uses one of these (below). It is always in the way because he never tucks it in the way it's designed to be stored. This means it gets peed on now and then. Like the rest of the bathroom. What can I say, my roommate does not have sanitary living habits in any way. As you may have read many times in many places in many ways, I'd welcome a change of living space. The opportunity just has not appeared in spite of much searching on and off. Anyway, this thing sounds like a good idea, but is there really science behind it? I would try it, if it was clean. For the moment, I just enjoy laughing at the commercial. TP for napkins as a final touch, priceless.


For the moment I shall pause this here.

I mean, let's not even get into showering.

Food Crazy

Two days in a row, back to the old ways of not eating all day then eating way too much in the evening. Rice and beans and peppers and lean pork loins and shrimp, so it wouldn't be too bad if I stopped halfway through (or less), but stuffing the gut is back. The butt itches come and go. The probiotics at three times the dose on the bottle and one huge mean of starches and proteins seem to be helping stop the dry-heaves. Today the largest poop in the past month came out and that was the second of the day. It was mashed potato texture, which is a vast improvement. I picked up the poop test containers and filled four (there are seven in all). Two more poops and I bring them back. Two of the containers have to go into the freezer. It is challenging to do this in someone else's bathroom and house, but I suspect the digestive issues have come from living here. Eb takes an assortment of pills and there are digestive aids and one is an oral anti-fungal medication.

If I didn't mention it, Sunday I found a new gastro doctor and Monday I called and he saw me Monday afternoon and that was an amazing coincidence of events and I will bring the poop tests to the lab and he will let me know if I can be cured or if I have sudden onset digestive issues that will keep me on another daily medication for the rest of this once again shortened life. Modern medicine is killing this body.

I'm still hungry.

Narf :)

It Seems You Only Love Me When It Rains

Metaphorically speaking, I seem to only give the body voice here in this blog when the body is challenged. The recent intestinal issues are nagging and worrisome. After a bit of improvement last night after taking two probiotics and eating two hamburgers and pasta and having soft but not compulsive poops tonight after eating a pork loin and some peppers and onions and rice, the bowel dry heaving began again with mucous and some blood.

Colitis? C.Diff? Parasite? Sudden onset IBS or some other digestive disorder? Fungal infection inside and out? The first is a symptom, the second two make more sense than the last two, though the last is less known to me. Could this be an inflammation of the of the on-again off-again anal irritation that has been slowly getting more constant and irritating over the past two years? Three years?

The bottom line is something is causing recurrent bowel issues and they are getting more irritating and more constant. Tomorrow, I will call a doctor I heard about today. Hopefully he takes my insurance. Hopefully he can see me soon. Hopefully I won't die before I find the one.

Laughter is still pretty darn good medicine.

Narf :)

Not Heading Up

The leg is warm again. Not good, for oral antibiotics would not go well with the current intestinal conditions. The bowels continue to show signs of colitis from who knows what. C.Diff, maybe. Gassy gooey liquid poops suddenly bursting forth with minimal control. During the day, peeing could not happen standing up. This evening, peeing happened twice standing up after having to sit twice. If the leg gets warmer, a relapse of that could be brutal on the other organs. Eating more calories might not be helping. Then again, last week eating almost nothing did not go well. Eating what might be considered bad for the gut seems to be better for the diarrhea. The fluid leaving the anus has been irritating the anus and some blood spots, more than usual, actually. I really must find a doctor who gives a shit. Pun intended. I really do not want to die or end up in the hospital. I think I need to spend money on probiotics tomorrow. And a doctor. Anxiety is not helping at all.

Hi, I'm annoyed, how are you?

Ummmm, Yes (Relapse)

The digestive system returned to day one, almost. I walked around outdoors inspecting parks today and had to use a less than clean bathroom and luckily was wearing a poopy pad. Minimal diarrhea, mucous, and blood. I definitly should find a doctor. I tried yesterday, couldn't be seen. Modern medicine the Henry Ford way. Anyway, I walked almost eight thousand steps (I wear a step counter for a contest at work, did I mention that somewhere along the way?). Frustrated, hungry too, I pigged out after a long (11 hours) active work day. An hour later, bloat, just bloat. Hopefully I won't explode in the middle of the night. Where did I put that diaper, anyway?

Relapse?

Yesterday was almost normal. Today, different. Multiple soft but not liquid poops yesterday eating a burger and clams and rice and today, oatmeal for breakfast and a eggplant panini for lunch and then, soft poop an then, home and two liquid poops like the kind that went on most of two weeks. So I drank more probiotic and then ate a rice meal and some ginger ale and so far, so good. The queasy bloat is definitely back though, even though I was 205 pounds before I ate the rice bowl. So the weight continues to drop and the "cure" did not quite take so I really should get to a doctor. I went to one today, but a misunderstanding about appointment dates and I could not be seen, so I tried. I got the car tune-up instead. So if I die, at least the car is healthy. I can save money being buried in it.

What, you want me to be sad? lol :)

Narf :)

The Intestinal Saga Continues

Hours of research went somewhere b the wayside in the development of this article which is more babbling and distraction than anything else, but if you know and love me as I do, you feel it's all worth it and we can cuddle in front of our favorite movies or TV shows later. For now, here's the story we've all be waiting for while we were sleeping.

Yesterday, for various reasons, I drank 20 ounces of Kevita Master Brew Kombucha Tart Cherry drink. Today I drank 13.5 ounces of Suja Organic Probiotic Apple Cider Vinegar Peace Ginger Juice drink. It has been a rough couple of weeks for this body.

Still, for a body that can be considered that of a sick old man, I played 9 softball games and hit and ran and pitched very well, 3-3 with a walk today 3-3 with a walk on Friday, a triple and a double and scoring six times along the way. I stayed awake all night twice (hey, once to do laundry, so it's not just frivolous irresponsibility, m'ok? lol lam laa) and have been active every day, though not as much as usual and working out, every day since the start of this intestinal upheaval. Others I know would have gone to the emergency room (at least one has). I am the oldest of all the friends I know and also one of the most active.

Still, the years are taking their toll on me, this body speaks. The guy living inside of me can really be an asshole sometimes, but he's done a lot of things right along the way I think because I am still running around with the kids a few times a week playing ball. If I couldn't keep up, they'd not want me playing and I'd gracefully retire to a senior league.

Anyway, the universe seems to provide the opportunities. For instance, Helen asked for dinner at a fried fish place and after that, on the way back here, I was talking to Harpo and missed the exit and 500 feet on the right was a Target where I stopped for a couple of things I wanted to try... anything with ginger and probiotics in it. They didn't have pill-form ginger and the pill-form probiotics were more than $15 a bottle and I rarely buy new food supplements without researched, so I continued wandering the store and found ginger tea and then, by accident, found some probiotic drinks in the cold food case. Selection was skimpy, but I bought four bottles of different stuff at under $3.00 a bottle and whether psychologically or physically, I think they may be helping. Falling asleep in this chair before showering after softball and then rolling into bed and not waking for eight hours seems to have helped as well. So much for clean sheets. The first day, stank.

Anyway, mostly the body is cared for as much as possible in this disgustingly unhealthy living environment. I just drank 4,000,000,000 (yes, four billion) active alive bacteria, after all. Tasted so bad. Medicine.

Maybe I should return to the normal routine of vitamins and other supplements I've been taking for years now. I stopped two weeks ago when what I thought was food poisoning hit. Maybe I am babbling and procrastinating too much. No primary doctor doesn't help. No one outside of this body caring enough to know and intervene with even a conversation or acknowledgment doesn't help. I should not say no one, there is she who must not be named who did respond, after all. Try to keep a sense of humor, try to color between the lines, try to do what everybody wants, try to believe it all will be fine.

So maybe I learned even more than I've forgotten today.

Burping optional.

Narf :)

Always Another Obstacle

This body simply rejects being under 200 pounds. Whenever I point it in that direction, bam, it throws another obstacle in my path. Perhaps you noticed it complaining in the previous entry. Perhaps I should have called this blog Me and This Body or This Body I Loosely Call Mine but whatever, for the sake of indulging it, let's take a look at common causes of prolonged diarrhea according to this website:

Viral or bacterial infections - Maybe
Food poisoning - Most Likely
Taking antibiotics - Yup
Anxiety and/or stress - Yup

I did not become fully aware that food poisoning could last so long. What's this about diarrhea for four weeks?

So I've been drinking plenty of fluids, though not replacing electrolytes too much because my reaction to the food poisoning symptoms was to fast for three days and then pig out for two days while playing in a softball tournament (certainly re-stocked the body on everything good and bad) and then semi-fast for five days (under 500 calorie daily diet). None of that seems to have worked and here we are entering day eleven and the lack of sphincter control has me a bit more than a bit more concerned.

So last night after 4:00 AM I caved in and made a run for the border. I said no to the hot dogs in bagels and fried chicken nuggets Sarducci offered while we were playing cards and games last night. But noooooo, circumstances pushed the emotional eating madness out from under the rock that was holding it down and fast food american mexican grabbed me and stuff a gazillion calories down my throat.

I actually ran right past the board, knocked down any warning signs that may have been there, and I woke up in a Mexican prison with explosive diarrhea. I'll spare you any further gory details (or photos) and just complain about having to clean the cracks and crevices of cheap modern plastic toilet seat joints after being awake for 24 hours and feeling bloated as ever.

Ever get to the point where you have had messy diarrhea for so long that you are walking through your day can't tell if you've got all the stink off?

Aherm, anyway... like whatever.

The latest obstacle to losing the weight I've been wanting and needing to lose for since packing it on for the past 12 months is this persistent diarrhea. Is there a contest for how many times a blog post contains the word diarrhea? Does diarrhea go away if it is repeated often enough or is that just a way to reduce the stigma and/or drive readers away. I didn't include graphics or photos, after all.

Yet...

Actually, that's not me. I had no nausea or vomiting. Just the explosive diarrhea x10 days. I will try to remember to buy ginger ale when I go out to meet Helen for dinner at a greasy fried fish hole-in-the-wall in a few hours. Hey, we only live once. The trouble is, we only die once too. At least as far as we know.

Helen just texted. She said she is bring me bagels. Just when I am cutting out breads and carbs and extra calories. What was I saying about obstacles? The universe really does not want me to lose this weight.

I think I should stay in touch with the body these days.

Narf. (no barf :)

Food Poisoning and More

This actually started with this entry and continues for the next few months, I mean, if you want to follow the whole story (actually the little bits and pieces I record here in this blog when I remember this blog exists because I stop ignoring the body talk). C.Diff is a bitch.

Last Tuesday night, really Wednesday midnight-ish, I was struck by the worst food poisoning I've experienced in many many year. The cast iron gut collapsed and died. Maybe it was the antibiotic I pushed the five days before, but the infected leg needed that. Anyway, I did not want food Wednesday or Thursday and Friday I ate light, a Wawa rice bowl and some oatmeal, until dinner when I ate a bacon cheeseburger. Saturday I played a softball tournament and felt fine, weak and tired, but fine. Hungry enough for two lunches at the Village Inn, then a later dinner of many foods at a German restaurant Saturday night. Sunday I had a breakfast wrap from Wawa and decided it was time to rest the gut and drop some eight so since then, next to nada.

No appetite, bloat, and major pressing diarrhea.

Yes, so no appetite last week due to the food poisoning. The appetite was back on Friday and Saturday and Sunday, but gone since I've been back here. The diarrhea was gone Friday and Saturday and Sunday, but back since I've been back here and I am barely putting anything into the system to come out, yet I can barely hold in the liquid after eating or drinking. All week I've had two packets of instant oatmeal, a Muscle Milk eat day (two on Tuesday, but that's all I had), and a can of chicken Wednesday, Thursday, and just finishing a second can today. Today is the most I ate all week. I'm forcing it in, no appetite and feeling bloated. I'll have a muscle milk before softball.

I am ruling out the flu because I don't have a fever and felt good enough to play (well) six games of softball over the weekend, four on Saturday and two on Sunday with less than 6 hours sleep each night. I haven't had any antibiotics since last week. With less than 500 calories a day for 5 straight days, I should be losing bloat, but I feel as bloated as ever and the belt agrees.

And no appetite.

So what is it? A psychological reaction (or over-reaction) to being back here in this unhealthy living environment? Some sort of parasite or disease of the gut? Kidneys? (they don't feel great and the kidney doctor wants me to go for re-tests on my blood work next week, so what's up with that? The Nurse who called gave no suggestion of checking anything specific and said the Kidney levels were great, better than 6 months ago. Something else in the lab work they are not mentioning? I must get a copy of the results to see for myself. I also must renew the BP meds. Hopefully he will do both if I ask nicely.

Of course I need a primary care doctor to coordinate all the specialists, but the earliest appointment I could get was for May. The past few years, primary care doctors seem scarce and by the time the appointment comes around, I forget and have to start the search for one all over. I want to interview a doctor who I am going to trust with my life and primary care, but the system is not set up for the patient's needs. So I go begging for a BP med refill each year and pay more than I should for a prescription. The American system of medical care is an assembly line industry that, by design or lack of concern, aides in a person's death much more than it keeps a person in a good quality of life.

Wa wa wah, and all that jazz.

Softball in a couple of hours, time to head out and pick up more nutrient drinks and hope I don't crap my pants on the field. Life for this body is a challenging experience these days.

So how are you?

Narf :)

Record of My Destruction

This blog is just that, a record of my self-destruction. I may be closing in on 230 pounds. Maybe if I came here more often and confronted myself in words with the reality of my choices... but my choices is not to come here and that is one more pieces of proof, proof by omission. Maintaining contact when unpleased and sometimes disgusted with the reality ain't easy. I knew that that from the start... eleven years ago (oh my, and how the memories flood back after following some linkage... was it good for you?). And the left neck suddenly cramps for the first time in weeks. The body is extremely stressed tonight. Fatigue started it. Then a nap not long enough and softball unprepared that killed morale because I played so poorly and let myself get injured. I can not sit comfortably, yet here I am. Sitting. I must keep my leg elevated.

This is not as bad as the broken ankle, but it is the second worst pain I've known in the past twenty years. It really hurts (immediate swelling and discoloration at the site of impact and within an hour swelling and pain around to the calf. Definitely not good). I was wearing shin pads, it probably would have broken the bone if I wasn't. Hopefully there is no break and there will be no infection and there will be no blood clot stopping the heart or stroking the brain.

Did I mention I started another blog to prove I am suicidal?

It hurts.

Suicidal Choices

I reached the 220 pound mark again and that is when something drastic usually happens. So this happened. Yes, my first purely dedicated foodie blog. This is the latest attempt, just started moments ago, at creating enough motivation inside me to stop the year-long pig-out that put thirty pounds on this body. When I am not spending way too much money on eating out, I eat mostly canned foods because I've been living in a filthy environment. The body is showing signs of infection that has become chronic. I've seen five or six different doctors and so far, no diagnosis. Paging Dr. House. Yeah, so that's the bad news.

The good news is I am still playing softball and can run the bases, though it is getting more dangerous fielding my position as the reflexes have markedly slowed. Not doing any exercise except softball and eating my way into fatness is helping the negative aspects of the aging process. Some self-pity, some laziness, some over-working and limited time, and this living environment all put a lot of challenges against me, but I am the fool making the suicidal choices.

So the body's chronic challenge is is anal. That is, a chronic irritation, pain when defecating, bleeding, burning, and a whole lot of farting going on. Diet plays a role, for sure, but I am concerned there is something else going on. Fissures, Ulcerative Proctitis, something else. I sit too much, that is for sure. Sugar is likely high,

Maybe I'll get into more detail another time, I'll give into fatigue for now.

Narf :)

Poorly Feeling

Enough so that I am here recording the physical experience in this body for posterity. In case it matters. In case I don't make it. We are feeling as poorly as I have felt in many years, I think. The mind blocks the worst experience in this life from time to time, especially when the body needs rest and healing, so perhaps this is merely the worst head cold I've felt in many heads. It has been building for the past week and presently, the sinuses wish explosion was an option. A relatively no stop flow of thin clearish mucous keeps me putting paper towel to my nose as gently as possible because I have no tissues and do not want to look like bozo the clown, especially not with an interview later this week. Hopefully I am all better for that. The throat soreness is increasing. The body feels chilled (the temperature was 97.4 at the last check-up, though I my thermometer is packed away somewhere in the storage boxes for now). The thought of mold and whether this is a reaction to being exposed to it in this environment raises a valid point in the mind as there is amply evidence of a serious mold growth in this space and I spent much more time in this environment in the past week and the heating system was turned on for the first time about a week ago... Research just leaves me feeling worse, not to mention whiny and ungrateful).

So I showered, but for some reason the hot water did not feel even close to hot this afternoon and no one has used the water for at least three or four hours. Just when I needed a seriously hot steamy sinus clearing body challenging scorcher too. So I sit wrapped in my big red robe and that warms the body a bit. It is time to search the storage for slippers not only for foot warmth, but in case the mold is throughout the carpet which is very likely. I drank chocolate milk this week, a half gallon (almost, there is a little left) and also cheese and the dairy may have contributed to the mucous. So many possibilities, but the feeling is the same. Sick. Yucky. Blah.

The question of when the exercise so often recommended by every good sense in the head waves hello and I wave back as if I take it seriously, but I act more like the happy idiot slowly (or rapidly) vegetating into the aging process. Now that softball is on hiatus for almost two months... hopefully I will stop being stupidly lazy and get out for some walk/runs and more, even though the anemia has the doctor recommending no exertion. These days, more and more, the body feels trapped, or perhaps the body feels like a trap to the mind. Is this all there is to growing old?

Positivity is not easily maintained when feeling poorly.

Try harder :)

Bumps Along the Road to Optimal Health

As I type, the armpits distract the mind with burning pain, especially the left one. I showered and put on deodorant. Is it the deodorant I put on after the shower I had a couple of hours ago? Is it the extra deodorant I put on just ten minutes ago? I think maybe the latter and yet, the deodorant is not new and has not had this sort of reaction before. Is it the fungal infection the body has been fighting for months reacting to the deodorant? Perhaps as the anal irritation has returned as well, but there are other likely causes for that.

And the anal pain and bleeding continues to increase.

This is likely due to a few factors we can explore for the record and for any doctor who might care for me now or anytime.

- The stress of the move both physically in labor and emotionally in excitement and uncertainty and trepidation of health risks in the new living space.

- The high level of mold and final growth in the new space has and the uncleanliness have the body and mind even more stressed physically.

- The food intake... more per day than in the previous month or more and more calories per day and more meats and fats and carbs and in the past four days, more simple sugars.

- The health supplements... none of the supplements to aid digestion except Cinnamon and Chromium. No daily Apple Cider Vinegar, Raw Potato Starch, Activia Yogurt, Fruit (Apples), Veggies (Carrots),

- Adjusting to pooping in a new and very unclean space.

The effects are larger and more painful poops that result in anal stretching that tears something that bleeds. I suspect hemorrhoids but it could be anal fissures, tumors, or worse. Not knowing and not having health insurance for the tests I should have produce extreme stress.

So I spent more than $50 on treatments.

- More P-H suppositories.

- Over the counter anti-fungal cream (two different kinds).

- Laxative pills.

- Fleet Glycerin Suppositories

Then I did some research and found that Glycerin can feed fungus because it is an alcohol based sugar so I may return that and stay with prune juice or laxative pills when I need a laxative. This is the first time all year I considered using one other than the Glycerin and that was just to lubricate for comfort not for constipation. As long as I eat a balanced diet (not 95% meat, limited red meat) and consistently consume the supplements (Apple cider vinegar, raw potato starch, an Activia or other probiotic a few times a week, all is well inside - it's the anus that pains me).

The cream the doctor prescribed, Nystatin 100,000 Units, was only available through a prescription and the various active ingredients in the OTC anti-fungal creams are several different chemicals that are not well differentiated in literature and not reviewed well for consumer use which makes choosing the right one for me much more challenging than it should be. There appears to be little or no consensus on several key questions. Ultimately I have one question - what is the best-safest OTC anti-fungal cream that can be used on or even in the anus?

Don't all answer at once now :)

Tomorrow I must get Activia and prune juice and start consuming some apple cider vinegar and raw potato flour daily again as that was helping reduce the appetite and weight and stool size and overall health was improving. I also must consider visiting the free clinic again on Tuesday morning and letting a doctor look up my ass more closely and find out if a colonoscopy is possible now that my symptoms are continuing for months and getting more serious. Yes. I must figure out how to get tests that could reduce my stress and keep me alive longer.

What a drag it is...

Yeah, older.

Narf :)

Continuing to Breathe

The first title for this entry was continuing to live but I realized that what I do most days is only partial living according to my standards and definitions so nevermind, that's lament and analysis for another entry. Here, in the body, I am continuing to breathe. All of the issues shared in semi-meticulous details (at least it wasn't graphic) continue to be part of the experience of being in this body. The back is mostly better and was fine as I played a marathon softball tournament and other softball games over the past month. I just need to be careful moving and not sit in the same position for long periods. Other issues have gotten a bit better, though the skin flaking has gotten worse (probably due to my letting the beard grow for a month or two). I still need to find a doctor to look at my rhoids and make sure they are not something more serious. Yes, I should do that soon.

The body is lonelier than ever as nobody lives with me and I do not share daily. There is no intimacy except for the hugs I get from softball people and thank goodness they hug a lot. I get to see them once a week starting next weekend. The softball season starts tomorrow night and I have three leagues scheduled for this season so far and can go to the seniors on at least two other days if I want more softball. That will depend on how the back and heel feel as the heel is now chronic and the back is still fragile. The diet sucks as much as ever as I indulge the taste buds and the food addiction to ease the emotional loneliness and economic and other stress. Today I made an effort to get back in touch with the body more and as much as the news is not great, keeping in touch and aware is the essential aspect of improving body conditions.

So that's it about my body for now. Feel free to share yours. :)

Everything At Once (In Depth)

This might be a dozen entries or more, but here it is all in one, the body reports on all the issues from head to toe, or randomly, or perhaps as they affect me and get the mind's attention at this moment. This will be an in d

Body issues rise up more often as the years pass and lately I have some skin issues that disturb my peace and tranquility. Insect bite issues on my legs have popped up again since I've been doing the yard work. It is so hot I went out with just shorts, flip-flops, and a t-shirt last time and clearing multi-year over-growth in what are basically wild woods is not something to do without some skin coverage, especially on feet and legs. It is just so hot and I perspire so much and overheat much more easily now that I take that blood pressure medication regularly. I don't check the BP regularly, which leads into the lack of medical check-ups which leads into potentially more serious concerns. In any case, this will be the body report for this moment in time (or this year, perhaps) for posterity after the body ceases to be and perhaps for the next medical check up if I ever have one (and if I find a doctor willing to read all of this, I will love that doctor for a long long time).

So insect bites are probably the most distracting of the body issues presenting at this moment, but other skin issues are creeping up to consciousness more often. I have what I thought was an insect bite on my neck, the left back - same side as the cramping that comes when I stop long vigorous exercise or when I sit for too long in the recliner with the laptop on my lap or sometimes when I drink a cold drink while sitting in a restaurant - but it seems to be recurring and it would be odd to have the bite happen in the same spot. It, like back itching skin issues, are in areas I can not see easily (even with mirrors, which I do not have at the moment), so I am puzzled. Maybe Jackson will look for me tomorrow before lunch (not exactly a lunch topic, "ummm, take a look at my skin itches please and tell me what it looks like?, but she loves me so she'll hate it but do it... hey. better than asking her to look at some other body issues you'll read about later on if you continue reading lol).

Then there are the rhoids. Yes, hemorrhoids. At least I think they are rhoids and I've always treated them as rhoids and the last time I went to the doctor for a colonoscopy there were no worries, but that was ten years ago so... yeah, it is definitely time. No money for it though. Stress. I suspect the primary causes are diet and sitting for extended periods in the recliner and three nights a week playing cards and probably not doing the stretching and detailed personal hygiene I used to do before I moved into this place that has a cramped standing shower and bathroom with no working sink, not to mention less daily exercise in general, but I do need to adjust diet and lifestyle if I want to live longer. Unfortunately, I have no bathtub and there is no place to put a sitz bath in the bathroom and the only place to clean a portable sitz bath would be the cramped stand-up shower, but I am considering getting one. I am also considering going to the free clinic again, but that is awkward for this an requires sitting for four to five hours minimum waiting for the doctor. I don't know if they can send me anywhere for a free colonoscopy though so it might be a waste of time. Still, a priority as the rhoids (or whatever it is) is not responding to the usual treatments and getting more annoying with itching and occasional pain and rhoid-like bleeding (bright red, little, right after defecating only).

Lower back. At the time of this entry the lower back was not an issue, but shortly after writing this the lower back became the focal point of this life so I am adding this paragraph. While I experience months of no lower back pain in spite of any exercise I might do, including heavy lifting, long days of landscaping work, long days of softball practices or games, or anything else, recently some serious lower back pain laid me out, literally, curled in a fetal position. Laying flat on my back was torture. Rolling over was torture. Getting up from sitting or trying to get out of bed was a long tedious seriously painful process. You can read the back details here (since I was out of touch with this blog at the time).

Then there is the renal system, kidneys and tubes. The right one seems to be producing more stones lately. I have no idea if is related to the large water cysts found by the urologist some ten or twelve years ago, nor do I know if those cysts have gotten any larger and contribute to the bloat I feel in the abdominal cavity even when I do not over-eat and I will not know until I discipline myself to lose the thirty (fourty?) extra pounds I carry around and/or go back to doctors for the tests (ultrasound, cat scan, MRI) that can answer the internal questions, but the latter will not be happening anytime soon unless I win a lottery or get the best health insurance I've ever heard of in the next job I get and the former will not happen unless I dramatically change my lifestyle because the three nights a week cards with heavy meat eaters and the lack of daily exercise and the living without a kitchen or sink and not having funds to eat out daily for salads and healthier foods and no one with good habits caring enough to be around daily all present the procrastinating laziness and taste buds with little or no opposition to continuing the relatively poor diet and lack of daily exercise. Obvious frustration comes out in meandering babbling that does not amuse, in case you did not know that and might have wanted to. A key factor I ignore until it happens again is that every time I start dropping the weight I feel poorly and kidney stones increase and other issues pop up. The fact that it is 95 degrees and humid outside at the moment does not help either when I don't have air conditioning or ventilation in here. $120 a year for a gym membership that I might not use because I have no gym partners and it's not walking/running distance away? Maybe.

Am I back to whatever already? (reference to a degree of apathy that cares enough to itemize issues but does not care enough to make decisions about taking actions to remedy the issues, in case you were not aware of my jargon or whatever).

Right heel. Sometimes it feels like achilles and sometimes it feels like what may be the heel version of plantar fasciitis, though it does not radiate on the bottom of the foot anymore. It is just above the heel and comes after running or a lot of walking. It presents as after-pain (pain after resting) in the right heel regularly after exercise now which makes the prospect of jogging and returning to 5Ks less likely and makes the need for a gym membership all the more vital. Maybe it is aggravated by the old cleats (since I do most of my running in cleats these days).

Left Neck. As mentioned somewhere in the ramblings about body issues I seem to have gotten into today, the left rear neck muscle cramping continues to slow me down when I am aggressive with physical exercise. It requires finding a specific posture and position and resting in that position for up to fifteen minutes sometimes five is enough) to fully recover full movement without pain. While some dark recesses of my mind wonder if it is some sort of lymph or thyroid or muscle tumor, I recall that I occasionally experienced the same pain and restriction of movement in my teens and I related it to posture as when I stood up straighter and held my head up more erect (the position the pain forces to relieve it), I not only felt better physically but felt more aware mentally and more aware emotionally. So part of me sees that pain as an instinctive reminder to evolve into a more functionally aware being that comes from aligning the spine better. It's my theory and I'm sort of sticking to it.

Fingers and hands. Likely early arthritis from all the writing and hand movement in my career and leisure activities, the hands and fingers sometimes ache and cramp. Opening water bottles can be painful at times, though it has not become a contrast daily issue yet.

Left ear. The tinnitus is as bad as ever and I am starting to notice some right ear ringing as well (somewhere in my memory I remember my right ear being my weak tinnitus ear, but maybe I am just starting to lose memory cells) which may be partly due to the wax build-up which has reached that point of needing lavage. Again, no medical professional in my life which is not just due to no income or health insurance, alas, it is a sign of how isolated I live - the lack of close personal contacts because I do not trust people and have become increasingly distant from people which prevents any intimacy (in spite of all the medical professionals and Nurses I've worked with over the years and in spite of having reciprocating skills, I know no one I can ask to lavage my ears) which goes well beyond the body issues (wow, aren't we learning a whole lot about me being the body in this entry, aye?), but let's limit this entry to body analysis since we've already determined that I am not in the mood for self-analysis these days.

Scalp. The hair is thinning to a point where I will likely be balding from the top front over the next few years. The cost of hair treatments prevents any real thought of exploring them even if I did let my comfort and vanity lead me in that direction. It is probably barely noticeable to anyone who does not look close (who pays attention to me in the physical world?... don't know if anyone does anymore) as the hair is still very thick and wild, but it is definitely happening. I don't have anyone to ask about the real world pros and cons of rogaine or other over-the-counter treatments and I've heard that once those are started they must continue for life or the hair loss accelerates, so I leave the package of rogaine I impulsively purchased last year unopened on the shelf. Other than the hair loss, the scalp skin experiences similar occasional bites and irritations just like the rest of the body mentioned earlier. Also, probably due to showering less than once a day lately, I find more flaking of the face and a bit of scalp lately. This body has always shed a lot of skin, though I have not experienced dandruff in decades. The face is a lot more flaky than anywhere else. Stand-up cramped shower makes showering a chore instead of the pleasure showers always have been for me, but I must adjust. Time for some dandruff shampoo.

Muscles. The muscles are atrophying faster and regenerating slower with each passing year and in the past couple of years both processes are accelerating way faster than I'd like. Stamina sucks, both muscle and aerobic, to put it mildly. I can do something about that (whatever?). I know my standards are higher than most, being a former marathoner with memories of many consecutive sub-5 minute miles in long runs, but I doubt I could do a 15 minute mile at the moment (even in reasonable temperatures) and that saddens me beyond words when I think about it. Just as importantly, the muscles are weakening to a point where my softball play is effected and that leads to concerns about the internal muscles, most particularly the heart. The rectal muscles have shown signs of the aging and weakening as the hemorrhoids and skin discomforts are likely part of a weakening sphincter and other muscles so I am trying not to think about how the heart muscles are being affected or effected or infected by the laziness and apathy and whatever I've sunken deep into the past year or few. Jackson used to care enough to drag me to 5Ks and the gym, but she gave up on that years ago. I still believe she cares, but that's a whole other long babbly entry for another time. It is up to me to care enough, I know. Stop me before I slide any closer to self-analysis, m'ok?

Eyes. While I still read most things without strain and with minimal squinting (like there is no trouble at all reading the text in this box or most anything else online), the eyes are finally showing signs of aging and the lack of exercise is a big part of that deterioration as well. Eye muscles need regular very specific exercise too, after all. Much of my reading is online for the past decade or so which offers little in the way of the exercise reading fine print or books offers. Who cares, again, right? I think I am tiring of this body issues report.

Nose Hairs and other Sundries. Yes, the old man hair grows faster in the nose and on the ears as the years pass. I don't groom with the fine tuning I used to partly out of laziness but even more due to the lack of facilities for such grooming here. And nobody cares to mention it if they notice. This probably leads to less attractiveness in our perfect-seeking culture which adds to the isolation and loneliness, so yes, let's blame it all on the nose hairs. Lonely old nose hairs. There's a song in there somewhere.

Anyway, those are the body issues that come to mind for the moment (as inspiration to write more fades with ebery word). All the other vital and non-vital systems seem to be working well, or at least within comfortable parameters. Whether I am functioning within normal parameters I will leave for Data or someone who cares enough to dig deeper with me if that person ever comes along. It may be that I compartmentalize so well and have such a high pain tolerance that I ignore the body more or better than is wise, but then, it's my life to mess up after all. If you care that much, feel free to come by and assess me for yourself.

Please? :)

Laughing as I go, I will step back and then I see (and feel) that overall, most of the time, it feels great to be alive in this body and I really had to think about some of the details in this entry. That does not mean the details are exaggerated, it just means the deterioration of this body has not become a routine interference in the enjoyment of being physically alive most of the time. So all in all, it is still a wonderful life for the body.

Am I Dying?

Of course the answer is yes, we are all dying. We start dying the moment we become alive, whenever we define that moment to be. Some deaths come suddenly, like the death of an iTunes UpNext playlist when a new song is clicked upon (which is an obscure reference that has nothing to do with anything that might be on my mind, but that is the way it is these days) or a gunshot through the temple. Some deaths last through every moment of a very long lifetime, whatever we define a long lifetime to be. In any case, while it is fair to say that reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated, there are some signs pointing to the end of this life more than ever these days. Some may be detailed a bit more in another entry.

All this to say mostly nothing.

I am still languishing (or is it resting?) in a relatively apathetic malaise of no exercise other than softball games and dealing cards. Pathetic, if you ask me, but then, nobody asks me anything these days. I've been rendered mostly useless. Hope that changes one of these days. Don't be sad or fret much or worried, the passive abuse of the body through neglect (though diet does not help) may be as temporary as the abuse of language in this entry. It is an odd entry for this blog, but then, this is an odd blog at times.

Also mostly harmless.

Maybe I need a gym

So even though I have not walk/jogged since the last entry... wait a minute, that's how the last entry started. I should grumble, but I am too tired and in a good mood. Playing softball five days a week the past month has been wonderfully challenging and winning has made it all the better. The physical labor helping a friend with landscaping is less than once a week now, but today I got a great upper body workout pitchforking mulch. The aches and pains are minimal these days, though the extreme pain in the right heel after rest until it is stretched and loosened does continue, it is more prominent when i do not get enough sleep. most of the other aches have faded in spite of playing so much. There is still the bloat and the occasional left neck cramps. The infections have healed.

Again, this update is to keep in touch with the body and maybe remind me that I did intend to keep the new phase of walk/jogging going. The injuries delayed that and the right achillese/heel continues to make me not get back out jogging, but never give up, never surrender, ya know? :)

update

So even though I have not walk/jogged since the last entry, I am turning up the energy and running at softball and playing more often. Up to ten games a week when the tournaments are added in. The past three days I pitched seven games and hit well so I ran the bases a lot. Also, I am working hard physically doing landscaping work with my friend Curly at least once or twice a week and helping him with other heavy labor projects like cutting down and removing trees and lots of other heavy lifting. This and other activities have lead to a list of injuries and such. Among the aches and pains are soreness in the foot, extreme pain in the right heel after rest until it is stretched and loosened, twinge of right mcl knee pain, aching from the softball shot to the right upper arm, discomfort and such that comes after passing a kidney stone (earlier today), the bloat, the occasional left neck cramps, both calf soreness from bruises, cuts, and scraps with more pain in the right leg from infection and slight swelling, arthritis in both hands, and there must be some more I am leaving out.

So this update is to keep in touch with the body and maybe remind me that I did intend to keep the new phase of walk/jogging going. The injuries are delaying that, but never give up, never surrender, ya know? :)

Momentous, No Doubt

This is the 304th entry in this blog (sort of, but who's counting?... who's even here? lol... ah, the fun never ceases to go on without us if we are not paying attention) and by now the relative body thought may as well be just let me die already what with the laziness and the apathy and the procrastination and the depression and the emotional over-eating and the general malaise when it comes to motivation to exercise (not counting pitching and playing in at least five softball games in five different leagues every week, sometimes more with double headers, not counting the travel ball team). So this might be another momentous failure to lift off, but I actually put on cheap old velcro sneakers (that I use for yard work) because I was too lazy to find the box of footwear and went out for a run the other day.

I use the word run very loosely.

Two laps of a cul-de-sac across from the driveway here on the little lane upon which I am currently residing. I will measure the distance another time because the app I downloaded, SportsTracker, seems to be able to find my location but it does not record any movements or mileage so either it is not telling me it only does that in the paid version or it simply does not work. The momentous part is I went out again tonight and did four laps up and down the hill to the main road. Again, distance will be measured another time for comparison purposes, but I did it. Sounds so pathetic for a marathoner to be at this point, that is, to let the body, stamina, muscle tone, and mind go this far down the path of being out of shape. Anyway, I slow jogged the first, then walked up the hill and slow jogged down for the last three. The times for the four laps were 3:11, 4:30, 4:30, and 4:39 for a total of 16:52. See, the app does not even provide seconds. What runner would use this limited and poorly functioning app?

So we shall see how this turns out. It will be momentous, no doubt. Either it will kill me or I will quit again or I will be running a 5k some time next year or maybe even this year (slow down, let's just get out there for a third time before and then get to the point where I can actually run a mile without stopping and then we can look further ahead... actually, let's forget the mile for now and get that third slow jog walk in, m'ok?).

I really must succeed cuz I'd hate to die out there on the road all alone.

Philosophical Dilemma?

Feeling flabby, soft, out of shape. More than ever before in this life. Aches are spreading in the muscles used for pitching and swinging the bat (much more the former than the latter though as I do the former much more than the latter). Frustrated with thr laziness and apathy that has gotten me here. Wishing someone cared enough to do something but knowing it is rare. Why should someone care about me more than I do?

Because that is what love is?

What is love?

aging needs no assistance

and i've been giving it more assistance than is wise in the past year, except maybe last June when I appear to have woken up for a few weeks only to go back to sleep as i stayed lost in the 24/7 working world and left it to softball to keep the body from completely stagnating... softball did it's thing as well as it can, but i've even gotten lazy out there on the mound and have not fought to play anywhere but pitcher and don't have not practiced hard for longer than is wise so we must admit i have been rather unwise... the mind has been neglecting the body and the mind agrees...

will this entry change anything?...

please?...

senses

so this just came out as i was waiting for lunch...

food is my best friend... also can be my worst enemy, but then, that's not food's fault... actully, best friend may be the wrong term... it is my closest companion these days... and most stable consistently satisfying stimulation and comfort and pleasure in this life... sexual partners come and go, friends come and go, even family comes and goes, but food remains... fun experiences come and go, great jobs come and go, even exercise comes and goes, but food remains... the pleasures of the senses in this body have carried me through the highs and lows of this life whether in relationships, living with friends, or living alone and as long as i moderate calories, food is a pleasure i can indulge a several times a day... now if i just remember how much i used to love running, i could enjoy food even more lol ((yeah, laughing, but body says there is nothing more true or serious :)

i guess i should come to my senses (seriously, aye?)...

alas, though (yes, this entry has an alas), the years seem to take a toll on the body and between working and aging, the body does not burn calories as well as it did (metabolism gets old fast in these bodies) and do not recover as fast and all of the senses lose their sharpness, clarity, and maybe even some of the sensitivity that makes them each so wonderful... hearing is maybe 50% in one ear and definitely lower overall... i should see a doctor about a hearing aid for large room social events because that was a challenge just this week at a work event... sight is still way above average, but the copyright year on cds may be getting out of reach and more light is definitely needed and fatigue factors in big time, but i exercise the eyes as i've always done and have not needed to reach for a magnifyer more than a couple of times a month and only for extremely fine print when i am tired... the nose has lost some sensory power, maybe a lot... it's tough to tell as olfactory glans acclimate to odors so easily and i don't depend on my nose much, at least not consciously... even skin, touch, has diminished some thught i am not sure if it is as irreversably as the others (without surgery that is)... and taste buds are still overwhelming so if they have diminished in sensitivity, it's hardly noticeable... the other senses have definitely diminished but they are more dependant on body condition, spinal alignment, and mental clarity, all three of which i've allowed to wallow for a number of years... irreverable?... who knows, if i ever start running daily again and keep it up for a year i will let you know... yes, the body still has the last word so there is hope...

everybody dance!

and by dance, i mean move... any sort of movement will do, but the vigorous the better... get the heart pumping to at least twice, if not three times it's resting rate and make the rest of the muscles burn... lactic acid is your friends... for as important as rest and relaxation is, moving is important too... there are those who cannot move and must accept being in an atrophic body and choose between despair and depression or determination to make the most of the mind (so it does not atrophy)... there are those who are born without movement or higher level cognitive abilities (like language or analysis) and the must accept life as they are (often quite happy just to use what senses they do have to interact with anyone who comes near)... the point of this title is to encourage every one of you (and me too) to do what we can do as well as we can do it and most specifically, move regularly through the day and move as much as we can at least an hour or two a day to help the body maintain maximum conditioning and regenerate cells as optimally as possible... let's start a movement for life...

yes, i can be positive at times... and this is just one more way i strive to be me, in this case using words to remind us to choose life and stay alive as much as possible on this journey toward death and to do all we can to get the most out of this life experience...

and make it fun :)

focus

slipping out of my mind, i returned to a state over two hundred pounds again and definitely feel stupid and definitely have poor self-control and definitely am at a loss of will power and definitely am in self-destruction mode and definitely wish i could be more amusing cuz i definitely want to be in carefree happy distraction mode again and definitely might not be for this moment as i ask myself to ref-focus on the focus that got me to drop thirty pounds as i find myself nearing gaining half of it back which is something i definitely do not want to face or accept... maybe it was the simpsons..

come on, be serious, this is a matter of life and death...

narf...

it's not all in the mind anymore

so four laps around the smaller loop of this community and i am sad at the state of the muscles of the legs and the state of the stamnia in the lungs... sure, i should expect atrophy since i have not run distances (running around the bases doesn't count as running to a runner) in more than a year and there is this blood pressure pill killing my muscle stamina and other aspects of the athlete i once was, but the layoff hurts a lot and there is no way to really know how much of this set-back is the lay-off and how much is the medication and how much is simply aging... crap, aging is crap... it's not all in the mind anymore...

and yet, as thunder rumbles outside and grumbles rumble inside and still (can't even get the legs to work hard enough to feel the stomach and core burn, alas), somehow, the light of excitement about writing and the hope of connecting and reconnecting with friends continues to shine through the bummer of the body condition... sometimes the spirit amazes me...

the body doesn't always like the mind...

seriously (life or death)

it is a choice every moment, to live or to die, specifically, to take action that is supporting and or enhancing living or to take action that is supporting or excellerating the journey toward death (which is how this journey called life ends, like it or not, at least for us at this point in our development)... and throughout life there are decision points and moments that are more important than others based on specific experiences and body age and as the body ages, the choice of actions becomes more critical because the body does not regenerate cells as quickly or easily as time passes and so the body does not recover from foolish choices as well and sooner or later, the body will not recover... so seriously, it is a time in this life to choose a path again, a critical time, more critical than the critical times noted over the past few years... life or death, what'll it be fella?...

this blog is a reflection of how much communication is going on between the mind and the body i inhabit... it is intended to record the body's experience in this life, hence, body thoughts, what the body must be thinking... it should record the effort i am putting into maintaining the body in as optimal health and condition as possible as the body ages... so the silences, the lack of entries, that is seldom a good thing... bodies and minds must communicate because they are roommates in the same house... the body is the house, the mind mostly controls what happens in the house... the body, at the moment, is not as happy with the mind as it wants to be (and it does want to be, for the body realizes that without each other, the body doesn't remain alive)... the mind, on the other hand, has the possibility that some form of mental energy or consciousness will continue to be aware after the body dissolves back into the stardust, the physical elements it is composed of, so the mind can give up on the body or simply get lazy in taking care of the body... most humans do this, some humans do this a lot to the point of abusing the body to the point of killing the body to varying degrees every day... and they call it human frailty...

it's still a choice... so what will the mind that contains my consciousness decide?... of course whatever the decision, it is the follow-through actions that make the decision real... so seriously mind, what'll it be?...

it is not enough to fall back on time will tell...

it is time to tell...

life...

owie

or is it owweeeee!... well, pain is so subjective it is challenging to quantify even for the same individual) even with hundreds of scientific questions)... it is also relative to mood and perspective and individual body conditioning and usage... for instance, i have an extremely high tolerence for pain most of the time, but certain areas of the body are much more nagging and would be much higher on the pain scale for me than others...

the shins, for instance, send much more intrusive pain into the brain than most other parts of the body... maybe i use shin muscles more than the average human... i've passed jagged kidney stones that took 30 hours to get out and torn tissue causing bleeding for that entire period... refused demerol until the 30th hour even as doctors were insisting i take it and other drugs (the demerol did put me to sleep and when i woke, the stone passed, but i am stubborn and only want drugs i choose and don't do what i am told, especially not when it comes to putting chemicals into this body)...

i've broken bones (ankle, base of tibia, fingers, knuckles, ribs {i think}, more) and refused oxycodone (don't like that drug... give me a quaalude and i'll consider it, prescribe medical marijuana and i'm all in... i mean, drugs get abused, no doubt (alcohol, anyone?... anybody crying out to outlaw ciggarettes?), and painkillers especially do and personally, i am personally opposed to putting painkillers into this body unless the pain will not let me sleep for more than 24 hours, but painkillers are needed sometimesand an individual feeling the pain should be able to decide what works best to relieve the pain... just individual body preferences)...

anyway, all that rambling on to remind myself (distraction, anyone?... friends?... romans?... countrypeople?... bueller?) that i've experience various other serious pains too... but a shin blow can distract me and nearly disable me for a few days more than other more severe pains (which is why i wear shin pads on my legs when i play softball)...

unfortunately, some balls hit just to the side or (or under) the pad (or so hard) that the shin is not protected by the pad and that is what happened this morning as i was practicing with a few people... it didn't help that the field was muddy at the pitcher's mound and even mushier in the batter's box so the right (plant) foot so shin muscles were overworked pitching and hitting and shine and foot muscles, especially right, were hurting after the first hitting cycle (the core muscles have gotten so weak in this recent coach potato phase)... nor did it help that i slept just three hours, if that much, and felt really bloated and needed to poop big time halfway through the practice (hey, tmi is in the eye of the beholder, ya know?) and there were no bathrooms around which slowed my down even more (not to mention not wanting to bend or push the core a whole lot)...

yeah, so continuing the babbling explanation of the body awakening that brings me back to this blog (which is needed now more than ever in this life), my fielding was sluggish and after about two hundred pitches (which includes two hundred bend over and pick up a ball and at least a dozen fielding plays), I decided not to bend and just kicked the back and either the shin pad was turned sideways or i turned my foot slightly or both and owweeeee! dangit!... i kept pitching and kept practicing but walking is now extremely painful... hopefully a bone is not chipped... not much swelling yet, so blood vessels are intact... maybe it's a tendon bruise... we shall see...

i am rambling in an attempt to distract the brain from the body pain signals but it is not working... no drugs, no distractions, just evelate, ice, and pain...

narf, dangit!

still not enough sleep

too much recliner, not enough bed... to much bend of the spine, not enough laying flat out in free fall... curving into old, or curling... the body is begging for a change of position and more sleep and on top of that, i am forgetting the blood pressure pill more often, which will probably lead to a stroke or heart attack cuz the body becomes dependant on the pill (dang drug pushers) and forgetting to take them (or running out, like where am i gonna get the pills after the apocalypse?... suicidal or self-destructive or just pathetic?... probably the trifecta triangle and trinity all rolled into one... an apoplectic apathy, or vice versa... fool...

still playing softball and still under 200 pounds and still waiting for the motivation to drop under 190 then under 180 then who knows but not exercising other than softball and not exercising as much softball lately and that is not just foolish, it is madness...

alone too long...

narf :)

pills

i almost didn't take the third pill and even more almost didn't take the fourth pill because the new blood pressure medication, lisinopril (wiki, webmd, nih, rxlist), may be killing this body (or are those just side effects)... tonight at softball practice i actually had to stop after an hour of pitching and hitting (no running) due to overall exhaustion, shortness of breath, muscle fatigue and aches, dehydration, and wooziness... that seriously sucks... i actually ate breakfast and lunch today, so it was not lack of sustinence or calories... it was not at all a pleasant experience, scary even, and i want it to stop... the med also tells my bladder to wake me every couple of hours through the night and i woke with parched mouth and chapped lips for the first time in more years than i recall... not good for the kidneys or for the rest of the body...

i ate again when i got home, too many calories today, pasta and cheese and eggplant... it didn't help, so i drank some chocolate milk for the fast sugar and that helped, so a sugar low in spite of eaching breakfast and lunch?... it was not hot out there and the sun was down... i will be going to another softball practice tomorrow where they will likely want me to pitch and participate even more and i am going to pull the coach aside and set limits, but that is not why i play softball or exercise... so the doctor and i will have a long talk about these pills in ten days when i see him again... or sooner if the unpleasantries get worse...

i hate pills...

the old 6.0

yeah, if i am to give into medical science, for all the debating and pondering and wondering and avoiding why eating brings sleepiness, but but all signs point to this, pre-diabetes more than other stuff... alas, the old 6.0 has been chasing me for the last ten years or so...

so maybe i ought to pick up some apple cider vinegar and some chromium again, and increase oatmeal, cinnamon, broccoli, spinach, and green beans (all of which i do eat, just not as often lately due to rushing through meals... and laziness)... cactus? (prickly pear)... and well-cooked soft pasta is an enemy, alas, but i prefer mush to al dente... then again, supplements can be so sketchy in quality... so much research, so much to speculate on... maybe even a sleep study... of course we could study forever and miss out on living (remember that)...

lose the weight, exercise more, balance the diet, add more of the foods above, maybe some supplements, and review the doctor's findings and recommendations... that's the attitude i am taking into the doctor'a office in the morning... oh yeah, i left out get more regular and enough sleep...

and the changes (whew)

the good news, no binging, right choices, and 203 pounds this morning... so ok, so the challenge is finding the right food in the house when i am hungry and before any emotional hunger or taste buds get involved.... if the right food isn't easily found, i forage through the fridge and cabinets and all sorts of less than ideal healthy choice might be found as i do keep a reasonable supply of canned foods and packaged foods (lots of pasta) for emergencies... after checking the kitchen a few times i was not happy and feeling a lot of fatigue in mind and body and the will power was waning, but it pulled me out of the kitchen each time without making bad choices...

finally, i found a can of chicken hiding in the back of the pantry and made chicken salad with fat free mayo and added chopped clams for flavor and some onion salt, garlic salt, garlic, and a pinch of a smoked seasoning) and it was yummy... ate it with peas... i was concerned because i've been eating tuna and salmon all week and too much fish, especially canned fish, is definitely not a healthy diet do i was looking to balance the protein and was happy to find the chicken when i searched the cupboards for the third time... and the pasta was starting to call out...

i know canned meats and veggies is not the way to eat healthy, but it is working to drop weight and i will increase the fresh foods (and try to make time for cooking) as the changes continue... the primary focus right now is reducing daily calorie intake, reducing fat, carbs, salts, and sugars... that could be done a lot better without the canned food, but at least it is getting done pretty well... max loss is over seventeen pounds as of this morning, 22nd day, which is definitely results... scary good, even...

the next change to eating habits is necessary (and should have happened with this meal) which is eating less... i ate a lot less than what would be a typical meal for me before this month (up until the 7th), but i definitely felt the bloat start early on and continued eating anyway partly out of habit but more because i know i needed the calories and protein cuz it's been more than 24 hours since i last ate and even though i was not feeling hungry, the body needs food (don't need it to go into starvation mode and start storing fat instead of burning it) and there was a total of 500 calories in the meal so i pushed extra in but next time, half the amount, stop when the bloat begins (yes, my mantra must be stop at first bloat from this point on, definitely) and save the rest for a next meal...

and i must change that mindset, wherever it comes from (the taste buds have heavy influence, the emo food addition too, and the old starving children in china {or africa or wherever) ploy adults drilling into kids probably plays a role even though i am a natural rebel and non-conformist cuz i care beyond control deep down, and other influences, certainly, for later analysis), that i must finish everything on my plate...

smaller plates, save for next time, and focus on the belly and bloat reflex much much more than the taste buds, that's what i've gotta do better... but at least i am eating a whole lot less fat and carbs and less salt and overall, way over on the healthier extreme... balance will come when the excess weight is gone... and after real exercise starts...

continue...

summing up so far

today is the 19th day since i impulsively and largely subconsciously decided it was time to stop indulging the food junkie and drop weight i've slowly been piling on for more than a year... no coincidence i had reached my max weight of 220 (every time i get there, the discomfort overwhelmes anything else like the food junkie or the emotional eater or any other aspect of my personality and i either stagnate there or bounce off a wall and drop weight... i seemed to have done both this time)... i will guage what the peak weight was after my doctor visits (oh how i love modern medicine, aye?) but it was over 220 on the crap house scale... 220.8, actually... that crap scale read 205.4 today... the actual weight is likely higher, but i will compare before and after the appointments to try to give the home scale a better value... anyway, weight is not just a number, it is distribution of body fat and how the body feels and the body feels better, though the distribution remains the biggers challenge as arms and legs ache because there is minimal fat on them to lose and the body fat lingers under the skin... the skin remains firm due to years of exercise and toning... the exercise started with 10 pound dumbbell curls and presses two days ago and the shoulders are sore and tight, but the aerobic and fat burning exercise has not started yet primarily due to high blood pressure (peaking at 215/110, which is why i am finally getting back to a doctor and will seriously consider medication)...

so there are the numbers and the facts and how i feel about the factors involves... day by day, i have the body on the road to improvement... if i survive, life will be good... if i don't i hope life will still be good, just without me in it... and if something comes next, may that be good too...

body thoughts consider the reality of no more body too, ya know? :)

remember exercise?

yeah, well, the stubborn fool who finally crossed the bridge to understand caring is a verb and actualization makes things real and diet alone will not bring the body back to optimal shape (whatever that is at this life stage, whatever that is), exercise, not overdone, is needed to burn the calories, increase muscle mass, and raise the metabolic rate so the taste buds can enjoy more calories without gaining weight... so the arms are a bit on the numb side because i just suddenly picked up ten pound weights and did two hundred curls and one hundred presses and after none of that sort of thing for many (as in many) months, the muscles are quite loaded with lactic acid at the moment and all i can say is let the rebuilding begin... there was a time i would do this with a hundred pounds, when a hundred push ups and a thousands sit ups were routine... whether i get back there again or not, i definitely need to increase the muscle mass and so on, so, hopefully this was the first of many nights of exercise and the routine will expand to other exercise and whatever happened to running 5ks, anyway?... meanwhile, if did get stricter about diet again, though not like the first week... will power is a fickle friend, coming and going like the wind... and philosophy...

yeah, i'll talk to the doctor and take it reasonably sensible slow... maybe it's time for another full stress test, echo cardiogram, and other such tests... pity i am going to spend this year's medical savings on band aids and ace bandages and the like as it's too late to schedule anything this year... but tomorrow is another year (well, almost), and i seem pretty dedicated to the change again... the body cheers... it would applaud, but the arms are kind of numb...

kidneys

this body carries a at least few pounds of water in my kidney sacs (water cysts or something like that inside my kidneys according to the urologist and nephrologist i went to almost a decade ago)... so a body abnormality or maybe i am part camel or perhaps it is an evolutionary advantage as the doctors of the past found no harm in them) that i'll likely have the doctors check out next year... i do retain water well, easily drinking a quart in an hour at anytime... i typically drink a gallon a day... and when i used to run, i could drop 10-15 pounds of water without any concern or cramping...

the kidneys also produce stones, both oxylate and uric acid stones, which is unique as typically kidneys produce one or the other and some doctors simply do not believe me... those doctors don't get to see proof as i don't return... it's been a couple of years since i passed any sort of noticeable stone, and at least a year since i passed any uric acid sediment (granular)... that is likely because i have not stressed the body by dropping weight... the stones and sediment always come when i drop weight... and the occasional kidney infections and/or urinary tract infections along with them... hopefully they won't return this time...

anyway, that's the brief history of the kidneys... for body thoughts, you know...

bodies change

bodies change over time and the teenage body that was 147 pounds once upon a time is probably not where i need to be or even twenty years ago when the body was 160... as a teen i was a long distance runner and biker burning off every calorie i took in... twenty years ago i moved and took a few years off from work and did nothing but relax, party, and exercise... the runner took over... but seriously, "For your height, a normal weight range would be from 129 to 174 pounds." is what the books say... I was below 1% body fat as a teenager at 147 and modern medical science suggests 129 pounds for 5'10"?... no wonder anorexia and other eating disorders are so prevalent in our culture... too much bad science, not enough common sense... so i will shoot for the 180s for now and see how i feel... and then, we shall see if the 170s are right for me at this stage of life... slowly, surely, and with some input from doctors... cuz bodies change and our expectations and challenges and limits must change with them...

meeting the challenge

that does mean overcoming the challenge... meeting the challenge can be quite challenging as the pull to give into what is behind the challenge is what makes the challenge so challenging and that is what one meets when meeting the challenge... so i ate meatballs and spaghetti for two consecutive days, with a butter-like spread, and the bloat is back (though the same amount of food i would have eaten in one day was spread over two, which is a clear sign of stomach shrinkage which is good)... ultimately i gained back some pounds, but have not destroyed the past two weeks of mostly strictness too much... overall, ten pounds down from the max and hopefully the next two weeks, another ten... or five, at least five... especially if i exercise... yeah, the body is babbling, what can i say... emotional hunger for comfort food won this weekend for a lot of reasons... as much as possible, i now dedicate myself to getting back on the strict track for the rest of this week... yeah, this week... in spite of the season of pigging out and the lobster at the chinese buffet calling my name, i will be the rebel at the table...

there's always hope, right?...

i hope :}

dietary choices (irreverently)

it's all about choices, everything, actually, choice and perspective make everything what it is, but specifically the reference i am aiming at in this moment is dietary choice... so tonight i ate a salad with salmon and ceasar dressing and some parm and herbs pita chips which is not sheer strictness but as it is the weekend, these choices made for a fair compromise... a chocolate coffee drink added compromise and the belly is full on a whole lot less than usual, indicating a shrinkage over the last two weeks... the good kind of shrinkage, the belly, in case your mind went somewhere else... since i am more than halfway there, i just might shoot for a 20 pound drop by the new year which would be a 20 pound drop in just over three weeks, 24 days, to be precise... hope i survive (smiling that carefree casual irreverence slightly crazy-looking smile some of you may recall)... ah, life is a short strange trip and may seem long, but it's so long really, ya know?...

and the body once again takes a deep breath and hangs on to the ride i give it... it is more fun that dying without excitement, challenge, and all the physical changes and stimulations, after all...

almost two weeks

so far so good for the second full week (almost) since the subconscious commitment to a change in health status and the results so far are a maximum loss 14 pounds and stable at 12 pounds for the last 24 hours... 12 pounds in just under 2 weeks is a pretty darn good considering that involved absolutely no exercise except the movement of working a mostly desk job (thought working 50-60 hours a week at it and being out of the house 14-15 hours a day monday through friday helped)... still, quite a feat for a mostly lazy bum lifestyle... and last night was a pig out at the all-you-can-eat chinese buffet and the night before was a semi-pig out on a yogurt and a can of tuna fish and a pack of stuffed grape leaves, so it's not at all a starvation diet, though it has included a few fasting days so far... anyway, that's what's happened to the body in the past two weeks... other than the wild sex orgies and orgasmic walks through dreamland, of course...

surely you are inspired to take better care of your body now, right? :)