Tuesday, March 6, 2018
Food Crazy
If I didn't mention it, Sunday I found a new gastro doctor and Monday I called and he saw me Monday afternoon and that was an amazing coincidence of events and I will bring the poop tests to the lab and he will let me know if I can be cured or if I have sudden onset digestive issues that will keep me on another daily medication for the rest of this once again shortened life. Modern medicine is killing this body.
I'm still hungry.
Narf :)
Sunday, March 4, 2018
It Seems You Only Love Me When It Rains
Colitis? C.Diff? Parasite? Sudden onset IBS or some other digestive disorder? Fungal infection inside and out? The first is a symptom, the second two make more sense than the last two, though the last is less known to me. Could this be an inflammation of the of the on-again off-again anal irritation that has been slowly getting more constant and irritating over the past two years? Three years?
The bottom line is something is causing recurrent bowel issues and they are getting more irritating and more constant. Tomorrow, I will call a doctor I heard about today. Hopefully he takes my insurance. Hopefully he can see me soon. Hopefully I won't die before I find the one.
Laughter is still pretty darn good medicine.
Narf :)
Thursday, March 1, 2018
Not Heading Up
Hi, I'm annoyed, how are you?
Wednesday, February 28, 2018
Ummmm, Yes (Relapse)
Tuesday, February 27, 2018
Relapse?
What, you want me to be sad? lol :)
Narf :)
Sunday, February 25, 2018
The Intestinal Saga Continues
Yesterday, for various reasons, I drank 20 ounces of Kevita Master Brew Kombucha Tart Cherry drink. Today I drank 13.5 ounces of Suja Organic Probiotic Apple Cider Vinegar Peace Ginger Juice drink. It has been a rough couple of weeks for this body.
Still, for a body that can be considered that of a sick old man, I played 9 softball games and hit and ran and pitched very well, 3-3 with a walk today 3-3 with a walk on Friday, a triple and a double and scoring six times along the way. I stayed awake all night twice (hey, once to do laundry, so it's not just frivolous irresponsibility, m'ok? lol lam laa) and have been active every day, though not as much as usual and working out, every day since the start of this intestinal upheaval. Others I know would have gone to the emergency room (at least one has). I am the oldest of all the friends I know and also one of the most active.
Still, the years are taking their toll on me, this body speaks. The guy living inside of me can really be an asshole sometimes, but he's done a lot of things right along the way I think because I am still running around with the kids a few times a week playing ball. If I couldn't keep up, they'd not want me playing and I'd gracefully retire to a senior league.
Anyway, the universe seems to provide the opportunities. For instance, Helen asked for dinner at a fried fish place and after that, on the way back here, I was talking to Harpo and missed the exit and 500 feet on the right was a Target where I stopped for a couple of things I wanted to try... anything with ginger and probiotics in it. They didn't have pill-form ginger and the pill-form probiotics were more than $15 a bottle and I rarely buy new food supplements without researched, so I continued wandering the store and found ginger tea and then, by accident, found some probiotic drinks in the cold food case. Selection was skimpy, but I bought four bottles of different stuff at under $3.00 a bottle and whether psychologically or physically, I think they may be helping. Falling asleep in this chair before showering after softball and then rolling into bed and not waking for eight hours seems to have helped as well. So much for clean sheets. The first day, stank.
Anyway, mostly the body is cared for as much as possible in this disgustingly unhealthy living environment. I just drank 4,000,000,000 (yes, four billion) active alive bacteria, after all. Tasted so bad. Medicine.
Maybe I should return to the normal routine of vitamins and other supplements I've been taking for years now. I stopped two weeks ago when what I thought was food poisoning hit. Maybe I am babbling and procrastinating too much. No primary doctor doesn't help. No one outside of this body caring enough to know and intervene with even a conversation or acknowledgment doesn't help. I should not say no one, there is she who must not be named who did respond, after all. Try to keep a sense of humor, try to color between the lines, try to do what everybody wants, try to believe it all will be fine.
So maybe I learned even more than I've forgotten today.
Burping optional.
Narf :)
Saturday, February 24, 2018
Always Another Obstacle
Viral or bacterial infections - Maybe
Food poisoning - Most Likely
Taking antibiotics - Yup
Anxiety and/or stress - Yup
I did not become fully aware that food poisoning could last so long. What's this about diarrhea for four weeks?
So I've been drinking plenty of fluids, though not replacing electrolytes too much because my reaction to the food poisoning symptoms was to fast for three days and then pig out for two days while playing in a softball tournament (certainly re-stocked the body on everything good and bad) and then semi-fast for five days (under 500 calorie daily diet). None of that seems to have worked and here we are entering day eleven and the lack of sphincter control has me a bit more than a bit more concerned.
So last night after 4:00 AM I caved in and made a run for the border. I said no to the hot dogs in bagels and fried chicken nuggets Sarducci offered while we were playing cards and games last night. But noooooo, circumstances pushed the emotional eating madness out from under the rock that was holding it down and fast food american mexican grabbed me and stuff a gazillion calories down my throat.
I actually ran right past the board, knocked down any warning signs that may have been there, and I woke up in a Mexican prison with explosive diarrhea. I'll spare you any further gory details (or photos) and just complain about having to clean the cracks and crevices of cheap modern plastic toilet seat joints after being awake for 24 hours and feeling bloated as ever.
Ever get to the point where you have had messy diarrhea for so long that you are walking through your day can't tell if you've got all the stink off?
Aherm, anyway... like whatever.
The latest obstacle to losing the weight I've been wanting and needing to lose for since packing it on for the past 12 months is this persistent diarrhea. Is there a contest for how many times a blog post contains the word diarrhea? Does diarrhea go away if it is repeated often enough or is that just a way to reduce the stigma and/or drive readers away. I didn't include graphics or photos, after all.
Yet...
Actually, that's not me. I had no nausea or vomiting. Just the explosive diarrhea x10 days. I will try to remember to buy ginger ale when I go out to meet Helen for dinner at a greasy fried fish hole-in-the-wall in a few hours. Hey, we only live once. The trouble is, we only die once too. At least as far as we know.
Helen just texted. She said she is bring me bagels. Just when I am cutting out breads and carbs and extra calories. What was I saying about obstacles? The universe really does not want me to lose this weight.
I think I should stay in touch with the body these days.
Narf. (no barf :)
Friday, February 23, 2018
Food Poisoning and More
No appetite, bloat, and major pressing diarrhea.
Yes, so no appetite last week due to the food poisoning. The appetite was back on Friday and Saturday and Sunday, but gone since I've been back here. The diarrhea was gone Friday and Saturday and Sunday, but back since I've been back here and I am barely putting anything into the system to come out, yet I can barely hold in the liquid after eating or drinking. All week I've had two packets of instant oatmeal, a Muscle Milk eat day (two on Tuesday, but that's all I had), and a can of chicken Wednesday, Thursday, and just finishing a second can today. Today is the most I ate all week. I'm forcing it in, no appetite and feeling bloated. I'll have a muscle milk before softball.
I am ruling out the flu because I don't have a fever and felt good enough to play (well) six games of softball over the weekend, four on Saturday and two on Sunday with less than 6 hours sleep each night. I haven't had any antibiotics since last week. With less than 500 calories a day for 5 straight days, I should be losing bloat, but I feel as bloated as ever and the belt agrees.
And no appetite.
So what is it? A psychological reaction (or over-reaction) to being back here in this unhealthy living environment? Some sort of parasite or disease of the gut? Kidneys? (they don't feel great and the kidney doctor wants me to go for re-tests on my blood work next week, so what's up with that? The Nurse who called gave no suggestion of checking anything specific and said the Kidney levels were great, better than 6 months ago. Something else in the lab work they are not mentioning? I must get a copy of the results to see for myself. I also must renew the BP meds. Hopefully he will do both if I ask nicely.
Of course I need a primary care doctor to coordinate all the specialists, but the earliest appointment I could get was for May. The past few years, primary care doctors seem scarce and by the time the appointment comes around, I forget and have to start the search for one all over. I want to interview a doctor who I am going to trust with my life and primary care, but the system is not set up for the patient's needs. So I go begging for a BP med refill each year and pay more than I should for a prescription. The American system of medical care is an assembly line industry that, by design or lack of concern, aides in a person's death much more than it keeps a person in a good quality of life.
Wa wa wah, and all that jazz.
Softball in a couple of hours, time to head out and pick up more nutrient drinks and hope I don't crap my pants on the field. Life for this body is a challenging experience these days.
So how are you?
Narf :)
Saturday, February 3, 2018
Record of My Destruction
This is not as bad as the broken ankle, but it is the second worst pain I've known in the past twenty years. It really hurts (immediate swelling and discoloration at the site of impact and within an hour swelling and pain around to the calf. Definitely not good). I was wearing shin pads, it probably would have broken the bone if I wasn't. Hopefully there is no break and there will be no infection and there will be no blood clot stopping the heart or stroking the brain.
Did I mention I started another blog to prove I am suicidal?
It hurts.
Thursday, January 11, 2018
Suicidal Choices
The good news is I am still playing softball and can run the bases, though it is getting more dangerous fielding my position as the reflexes have markedly slowed. Not doing any exercise except softball and eating my way into fatness is helping the negative aspects of the aging process. Some self-pity, some laziness, some over-working and limited time, and this living environment all put a lot of challenges against me, but I am the fool making the suicidal choices.
So the body's chronic challenge is is anal. That is, a chronic irritation, pain when defecating, bleeding, burning, and a whole lot of farting going on. Diet plays a role, for sure, but I am concerned there is something else going on. Fissures, Ulcerative Proctitis, something else. I sit too much, that is for sure. Sugar is likely high,
Maybe I'll get into more detail another time, I'll give into fatigue for now.
Narf :)
Sunday, November 27, 2016
Poorly Feeling
So I showered, but for some reason the hot water did not feel even close to hot this afternoon and no one has used the water for at least three or four hours. Just when I needed a seriously hot steamy sinus clearing body challenging scorcher too. So I sit wrapped in my big red robe and that warms the body a bit. It is time to search the storage for slippers not only for foot warmth, but in case the mold is throughout the carpet which is very likely. I drank chocolate milk this week, a half gallon (almost, there is a little left) and also cheese and the dairy may have contributed to the mucous. So many possibilities, but the feeling is the same. Sick. Yucky. Blah.
The question of when the exercise so often recommended by every good sense in the head waves hello and I wave back as if I take it seriously, but I act more like the happy idiot slowly (or rapidly) vegetating into the aging process. Now that softball is on hiatus for almost two months... hopefully I will stop being stupidly lazy and get out for some walk/runs and more, even though the anemia has the doctor recommending no exertion. These days, more and more, the body feels trapped, or perhaps the body feels like a trap to the mind. Is this all there is to growing old?
Positivity is not easily maintained when feeling poorly.
Try harder :)
Monday, November 7, 2016
Bumps Along the Road to Optimal Health
And the anal pain and bleeding continues to increase.
This is likely due to a few factors we can explore for the record and for any doctor who might care for me now or anytime.
- The stress of the move both physically in labor and emotionally in excitement and uncertainty and trepidation of health risks in the new living space.
- The high level of mold and final growth in the new space has and the uncleanliness have the body and mind even more stressed physically.
- The food intake... more per day than in the previous month or more and more calories per day and more meats and fats and carbs and in the past four days, more simple sugars.
- The health supplements... none of the supplements to aid digestion except Cinnamon and Chromium. No daily Apple Cider Vinegar, Raw Potato Starch, Activia Yogurt, Fruit (Apples), Veggies (Carrots),
- Adjusting to pooping in a new and very unclean space.
The effects are larger and more painful poops that result in anal stretching that tears something that bleeds. I suspect hemorrhoids but it could be anal fissures, tumors, or worse. Not knowing and not having health insurance for the tests I should have produce extreme stress.
So I spent more than $50 on treatments.
- More P-H suppositories.
- Over the counter anti-fungal cream (two different kinds).
- Laxative pills.
- Fleet Glycerin Suppositories
Then I did some research and found that Glycerin can feed fungus because it is an alcohol based sugar so I may return that and stay with prune juice or laxative pills when I need a laxative. This is the first time all year I considered using one other than the Glycerin and that was just to lubricate for comfort not for constipation. As long as I eat a balanced diet (not 95% meat, limited red meat) and consistently consume the supplements (Apple cider vinegar, raw potato starch, an Activia or other probiotic a few times a week, all is well inside - it's the anus that pains me).
The cream the doctor prescribed, Nystatin 100,000 Units, was only available through a prescription and the various active ingredients in the OTC anti-fungal creams are several different chemicals that are not well differentiated in literature and not reviewed well for consumer use which makes choosing the right one for me much more challenging than it should be. There appears to be little or no consensus on several key questions. Ultimately I have one question - what is the best-safest OTC anti-fungal cream that can be used on or even in the anus?
Don't all answer at once now :)
Tomorrow I must get Activia and prune juice and start consuming some apple cider vinegar and raw potato flour daily again as that was helping reduce the appetite and weight and stool size and overall health was improving. I also must consider visiting the free clinic again on Tuesday morning and letting a doctor look up my ass more closely and find out if a colonoscopy is possible now that my symptoms are continuing for months and getting more serious. Yes. I must figure out how to get tests that could reduce my stress and keep me alive longer.
What a drag it is...
Yeah, older.
Narf :)
Thursday, August 25, 2016
Continuing to Breathe
The body is lonelier than ever as nobody lives with me and I do not share daily. There is no intimacy except for the hugs I get from softball people and thank goodness they hug a lot. I get to see them once a week starting next weekend. The softball season starts tomorrow night and I have three leagues scheduled for this season so far and can go to the seniors on at least two other days if I want more softball. That will depend on how the back and heel feel as the heel is now chronic and the back is still fragile. The diet sucks as much as ever as I indulge the taste buds and the food addiction to ease the emotional loneliness and economic and other stress. Today I made an effort to get back in touch with the body more and as much as the news is not great, keeping in touch and aware is the essential aspect of improving body conditions.
So that's it about my body for now. Feel free to share yours. :)
Sunday, July 31, 2016
Everything At Once (In Depth)
Body issues rise up more often as the years pass and lately I have some skin issues that disturb my peace and tranquility. Insect bite issues on my legs have popped up again since I've been doing the yard work. It is so hot I went out with just shorts, flip-flops, and a t-shirt last time and clearing multi-year over-growth in what are basically wild woods is not something to do without some skin coverage, especially on feet and legs. It is just so hot and I perspire so much and overheat much more easily now that I take that blood pressure medication regularly. I don't check the BP regularly, which leads into the lack of medical check-ups which leads into potentially more serious concerns. In any case, this will be the body report for this moment in time (or this year, perhaps) for posterity after the body ceases to be and perhaps for the next medical check up if I ever have one (and if I find a doctor willing to read all of this, I will love that doctor for a long long time).
So insect bites are probably the most distracting of the body issues presenting at this moment, but other skin issues are creeping up to consciousness more often. I have what I thought was an insect bite on my neck, the left back - same side as the cramping that comes when I stop long vigorous exercise or when I sit for too long in the recliner with the laptop on my lap or sometimes when I drink a cold drink while sitting in a restaurant - but it seems to be recurring and it would be odd to have the bite happen in the same spot. It, like back itching skin issues, are in areas I can not see easily (even with mirrors, which I do not have at the moment), so I am puzzled. Maybe Jackson will look for me tomorrow before lunch (not exactly a lunch topic, "ummm, take a look at my skin itches please and tell me what it looks like?, but she loves me so she'll hate it but do it... hey. better than asking her to look at some other body issues you'll read about later on if you continue reading lol).
Then there are the rhoids. Yes, hemorrhoids. At least I think they are rhoids and I've always treated them as rhoids and the last time I went to the doctor for a colonoscopy there were no worries, but that was ten years ago so... yeah, it is definitely time. No money for it though. Stress. I suspect the primary causes are diet and sitting for extended periods in the recliner and three nights a week playing cards and probably not doing the stretching and detailed personal hygiene I used to do before I moved into this place that has a cramped standing shower and bathroom with no working sink, not to mention less daily exercise in general, but I do need to adjust diet and lifestyle if I want to live longer. Unfortunately, I have no bathtub and there is no place to put a sitz bath in the bathroom and the only place to clean a portable sitz bath would be the cramped stand-up shower, but I am considering getting one. I am also considering going to the free clinic again, but that is awkward for this an requires sitting for four to five hours minimum waiting for the doctor. I don't know if they can send me anywhere for a free colonoscopy though so it might be a waste of time. Still, a priority as the rhoids (or whatever it is) is not responding to the usual treatments and getting more annoying with itching and occasional pain and rhoid-like bleeding (bright red, little, right after defecating only).
Lower back. At the time of this entry the lower back was not an issue, but shortly after writing this the lower back became the focal point of this life so I am adding this paragraph. While I experience months of no lower back pain in spite of any exercise I might do, including heavy lifting, long days of landscaping work, long days of softball practices or games, or anything else, recently some serious lower back pain laid me out, literally, curled in a fetal position. Laying flat on my back was torture. Rolling over was torture. Getting up from sitting or trying to get out of bed was a long tedious seriously painful process. You can read the back details here (since I was out of touch with this blog at the time).
Then there is the renal system, kidneys and tubes. The right one seems to be producing more stones lately. I have no idea if is related to the large water cysts found by the urologist some ten or twelve years ago, nor do I know if those cysts have gotten any larger and contribute to the bloat I feel in the abdominal cavity even when I do not over-eat and I will not know until I discipline myself to lose the thirty (fourty?) extra pounds I carry around and/or go back to doctors for the tests (ultrasound, cat scan, MRI) that can answer the internal questions, but the latter will not be happening anytime soon unless I win a lottery or get the best health insurance I've ever heard of in the next job I get and the former will not happen unless I dramatically change my lifestyle because the three nights a week cards with heavy meat eaters and the lack of daily exercise and the living without a kitchen or sink and not having funds to eat out daily for salads and healthier foods and no one with good habits caring enough to be around daily all present the procrastinating laziness and taste buds with little or no opposition to continuing the relatively poor diet and lack of daily exercise. Obvious frustration comes out in meandering babbling that does not amuse, in case you did not know that and might have wanted to. A key factor I ignore until it happens again is that every time I start dropping the weight I feel poorly and kidney stones increase and other issues pop up. The fact that it is 95 degrees and humid outside at the moment does not help either when I don't have air conditioning or ventilation in here. $120 a year for a gym membership that I might not use because I have no gym partners and it's not walking/running distance away? Maybe.
Am I back to whatever already? (reference to a degree of apathy that cares enough to itemize issues but does not care enough to make decisions about taking actions to remedy the issues, in case you were not aware of my jargon or whatever).
Right heel. Sometimes it feels like achilles and sometimes it feels like what may be the heel version of plantar fasciitis, though it does not radiate on the bottom of the foot anymore. It is just above the heel and comes after running or a lot of walking. It presents as after-pain (pain after resting) in the right heel regularly after exercise now which makes the prospect of jogging and returning to 5Ks less likely and makes the need for a gym membership all the more vital. Maybe it is aggravated by the old cleats (since I do most of my running in cleats these days).
Left Neck. As mentioned somewhere in the ramblings about body issues I seem to have gotten into today, the left rear neck muscle cramping continues to slow me down when I am aggressive with physical exercise. It requires finding a specific posture and position and resting in that position for up to fifteen minutes sometimes five is enough) to fully recover full movement without pain. While some dark recesses of my mind wonder if it is some sort of lymph or thyroid or muscle tumor, I recall that I occasionally experienced the same pain and restriction of movement in my teens and I related it to posture as when I stood up straighter and held my head up more erect (the position the pain forces to relieve it), I not only felt better physically but felt more aware mentally and more aware emotionally. So part of me sees that pain as an instinctive reminder to evolve into a more functionally aware being that comes from aligning the spine better. It's my theory and I'm sort of sticking to it.
Fingers and hands. Likely early arthritis from all the writing and hand movement in my career and leisure activities, the hands and fingers sometimes ache and cramp. Opening water bottles can be painful at times, though it has not become a contrast daily issue yet.
Left ear. The tinnitus is as bad as ever and I am starting to notice some right ear ringing as well (somewhere in my memory I remember my right ear being my weak tinnitus ear, but maybe I am just starting to lose memory cells) which may be partly due to the wax build-up which has reached that point of needing lavage. Again, no medical professional in my life which is not just due to no income or health insurance, alas, it is a sign of how isolated I live - the lack of close personal contacts because I do not trust people and have become increasingly distant from people which prevents any intimacy (in spite of all the medical professionals and Nurses I've worked with over the years and in spite of having reciprocating skills, I know no one I can ask to lavage my ears) which goes well beyond the body issues (wow, aren't we learning a whole lot about me being the body in this entry, aye?), but let's limit this entry to body analysis since we've already determined that I am not in the mood for self-analysis these days.
Scalp. The hair is thinning to a point where I will likely be balding from the top front over the next few years. The cost of hair treatments prevents any real thought of exploring them even if I did let my comfort and vanity lead me in that direction. It is probably barely noticeable to anyone who does not look close (who pays attention to me in the physical world?... don't know if anyone does anymore) as the hair is still very thick and wild, but it is definitely happening. I don't have anyone to ask about the real world pros and cons of rogaine or other over-the-counter treatments and I've heard that once those are started they must continue for life or the hair loss accelerates, so I leave the package of rogaine I impulsively purchased last year unopened on the shelf. Other than the hair loss, the scalp skin experiences similar occasional bites and irritations just like the rest of the body mentioned earlier. Also, probably due to showering less than once a day lately, I find more flaking of the face and a bit of scalp lately. This body has always shed a lot of skin, though I have not experienced dandruff in decades. The face is a lot more flaky than anywhere else. Stand-up cramped shower makes showering a chore instead of the pleasure showers always have been for me, but I must adjust. Time for some dandruff shampoo.
Muscles. The muscles are atrophying faster and regenerating slower with each passing year and in the past couple of years both processes are accelerating way faster than I'd like. Stamina sucks, both muscle and aerobic, to put it mildly. I can do something about that (whatever?). I know my standards are higher than most, being a former marathoner with memories of many consecutive sub-5 minute miles in long runs, but I doubt I could do a 15 minute mile at the moment (even in reasonable temperatures) and that saddens me beyond words when I think about it. Just as importantly, the muscles are weakening to a point where my softball play is effected and that leads to concerns about the internal muscles, most particularly the heart. The rectal muscles have shown signs of the aging and weakening as the hemorrhoids and skin discomforts are likely part of a weakening sphincter and other muscles so I am trying not to think about how the heart muscles are being affected or effected or infected by the laziness and apathy and whatever I've sunken deep into the past year or few. Jackson used to care enough to drag me to 5Ks and the gym, but she gave up on that years ago. I still believe she cares, but that's a whole other long babbly entry for another time. It is up to me to care enough, I know. Stop me before I slide any closer to self-analysis, m'ok?
Eyes. While I still read most things without strain and with minimal squinting (like there is no trouble at all reading the text in this box or most anything else online), the eyes are finally showing signs of aging and the lack of exercise is a big part of that deterioration as well. Eye muscles need regular very specific exercise too, after all. Much of my reading is online for the past decade or so which offers little in the way of the exercise reading fine print or books offers. Who cares, again, right? I think I am tiring of this body issues report.
Nose Hairs and other Sundries. Yes, the old man hair grows faster in the nose and on the ears as the years pass. I don't groom with the fine tuning I used to partly out of laziness but even more due to the lack of facilities for such grooming here. And nobody cares to mention it if they notice. This probably leads to less attractiveness in our perfect-seeking culture which adds to the isolation and loneliness, so yes, let's blame it all on the nose hairs. Lonely old nose hairs. There's a song in there somewhere.
Anyway, those are the body issues that come to mind for the moment (as inspiration to write more fades with ebery word). All the other vital and non-vital systems seem to be working well, or at least within comfortable parameters. Whether I am functioning within normal parameters I will leave for Data or someone who cares enough to dig deeper with me if that person ever comes along. It may be that I compartmentalize so well and have such a high pain tolerance that I ignore the body more or better than is wise, but then, it's my life to mess up after all. If you care that much, feel free to come by and assess me for yourself.
Please? :)
Laughing as I go, I will step back and then I see (and feel) that overall, most of the time, it feels great to be alive in this body and I really had to think about some of the details in this entry. That does not mean the details are exaggerated, it just means the deterioration of this body has not become a routine interference in the enjoyment of being physically alive most of the time. So all in all, it is still a wonderful life for the body.
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
Am I Dying?
All this to say mostly nothing.
I am still languishing (or is it resting?) in a relatively apathetic malaise of no exercise other than softball games and dealing cards. Pathetic, if you ask me, but then, nobody asks me anything these days. I've been rendered mostly useless. Hope that changes one of these days. Don't be sad or fret much or worried, the passive abuse of the body through neglect (though diet does not help) may be as temporary as the abuse of language in this entry. It is an odd entry for this blog, but then, this is an odd blog at times.
Also mostly harmless.
Friday, May 20, 2016
Maybe I need a gym
Again, this update is to keep in touch with the body and maybe remind me that I did intend to keep the new phase of walk/jogging going. The injuries delayed that and the right achillese/heel continues to make me not get back out jogging, but never give up, never surrender, ya know? :)
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
update
So this update is to keep in touch with the body and maybe remind me that I did intend to keep the new phase of walk/jogging going. The injuries are delaying that, but never give up, never surrender, ya know? :)
Thursday, April 14, 2016
Momentous, No Doubt
I use the word run very loosely.
Two laps of a cul-de-sac across from the driveway here on the little lane upon which I am currently residing. I will measure the distance another time because the app I downloaded, SportsTracker, seems to be able to find my location but it does not record any movements or mileage so either it is not telling me it only does that in the paid version or it simply does not work. The momentous part is I went out again tonight and did four laps up and down the hill to the main road. Again, distance will be measured another time for comparison purposes, but I did it. Sounds so pathetic for a marathoner to be at this point, that is, to let the body, stamina, muscle tone, and mind go this far down the path of being out of shape. Anyway, I slow jogged the first, then walked up the hill and slow jogged down for the last three. The times for the four laps were 3:11, 4:30, 4:30, and 4:39 for a total of 16:52. See, the app does not even provide seconds. What runner would use this limited and poorly functioning app?
So we shall see how this turns out. It will be momentous, no doubt. Either it will kill me or I will quit again or I will be running a 5k some time next year or maybe even this year (slow down, let's just get out there for a third time before and then get to the point where I can actually run a mile without stopping and then we can look further ahead... actually, let's forget the mile for now and get that third slow jog walk in, m'ok?).
I really must succeed cuz I'd hate to die out there on the road all alone.
Thursday, March 24, 2016
Philosophical Dilemma?
Because that is what love is?
What is love?
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
aging needs no assistance
will this entry change anything?...
please?...
Saturday, July 4, 2015
senses
food is my best friend... also can be my worst enemy, but then, that's not food's fault... actully, best friend may be the wrong term... it is my closest companion these days... and most stable consistently satisfying stimulation and comfort and pleasure in this life... sexual partners come and go, friends come and go, even family comes and goes, but food remains... fun experiences come and go, great jobs come and go, even exercise comes and goes, but food remains... the pleasures of the senses in this body have carried me through the highs and lows of this life whether in relationships, living with friends, or living alone and as long as i moderate calories, food is a pleasure i can indulge a several times a day... now if i just remember how much i used to love running, i could enjoy food even more lol ((yeah, laughing, but body says there is nothing more true or serious :)
i guess i should come to my senses (seriously, aye?)...
alas, though (yes, this entry has an alas), the years seem to take a toll on the body and between working and aging, the body does not burn calories as well as it did (metabolism gets old fast in these bodies) and do not recover as fast and all of the senses lose their sharpness, clarity, and maybe even some of the sensitivity that makes them each so wonderful... hearing is maybe 50% in one ear and definitely lower overall... i should see a doctor about a hearing aid for large room social events because that was a challenge just this week at a work event... sight is still way above average, but the copyright year on cds may be getting out of reach and more light is definitely needed and fatigue factors in big time, but i exercise the eyes as i've always done and have not needed to reach for a magnifyer more than a couple of times a month and only for extremely fine print when i am tired... the nose has lost some sensory power, maybe a lot... it's tough to tell as olfactory glans acclimate to odors so easily and i don't depend on my nose much, at least not consciously... even skin, touch, has diminished some thught i am not sure if it is as irreversably as the others (without surgery that is)... and taste buds are still overwhelming so if they have diminished in sensitivity, it's hardly noticeable... the other senses have definitely diminished but they are more dependant on body condition, spinal alignment, and mental clarity, all three of which i've allowed to wallow for a number of years... irreverable?... who knows, if i ever start running daily again and keep it up for a year i will let you know... yes, the body still has the last word so there is hope...
Friday, July 3, 2015
everybody dance!
yes, i can be positive at times... and this is just one more way i strive to be me, in this case using words to remind us to choose life and stay alive as much as possible on this journey toward death and to do all we can to get the most out of this life experience...
and make it fun :)
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
focus
come on, be serious, this is a matter of life and death...
narf...
Friday, June 12, 2015
it's not all in the mind anymore
and yet, as thunder rumbles outside and grumbles rumble inside and still (can't even get the legs to work hard enough to feel the stomach and core burn, alas), somehow, the light of excitement about writing and the hope of connecting and reconnecting with friends continues to shine through the bummer of the body condition... sometimes the spirit amazes me...
the body doesn't always like the mind...
Monday, June 8, 2015
seriously (life or death)
this blog is a reflection of how much communication is going on between the mind and the body i inhabit... it is intended to record the body's experience in this life, hence, body thoughts, what the body must be thinking... it should record the effort i am putting into maintaining the body in as optimal health and condition as possible as the body ages... so the silences, the lack of entries, that is seldom a good thing... bodies and minds must communicate because they are roommates in the same house... the body is the house, the mind mostly controls what happens in the house... the body, at the moment, is not as happy with the mind as it wants to be (and it does want to be, for the body realizes that without each other, the body doesn't remain alive)... the mind, on the other hand, has the possibility that some form of mental energy or consciousness will continue to be aware after the body dissolves back into the stardust, the physical elements it is composed of, so the mind can give up on the body or simply get lazy in taking care of the body... most humans do this, some humans do this a lot to the point of abusing the body to the point of killing the body to varying degrees every day... and they call it human frailty...
it's still a choice... so what will the mind that contains my consciousness decide?... of course whatever the decision, it is the follow-through actions that make the decision real... so seriously mind, what'll it be?...
it is not enough to fall back on time will tell...
it is time to tell...
life...
Sunday, June 7, 2015
owie
the shins, for instance, send much more intrusive pain into the brain than most other parts of the body... maybe i use shin muscles more than the average human... i've passed jagged kidney stones that took 30 hours to get out and torn tissue causing bleeding for that entire period... refused demerol until the 30th hour even as doctors were insisting i take it and other drugs (the demerol did put me to sleep and when i woke, the stone passed, but i am stubborn and only want drugs i choose and don't do what i am told, especially not when it comes to putting chemicals into this body)...
i've broken bones (ankle, base of tibia, fingers, knuckles, ribs {i think}, more) and refused oxycodone (don't like that drug... give me a quaalude and i'll consider it, prescribe medical marijuana and i'm all in... i mean, drugs get abused, no doubt (alcohol, anyone?... anybody crying out to outlaw ciggarettes?), and painkillers especially do and personally, i am personally opposed to putting painkillers into this body unless the pain will not let me sleep for more than 24 hours, but painkillers are needed sometimesand an individual feeling the pain should be able to decide what works best to relieve the pain... just individual body preferences)...
anyway, all that rambling on to remind myself (distraction, anyone?... friends?... romans?... countrypeople?... bueller?) that i've experience various other serious pains too... but a shin blow can distract me and nearly disable me for a few days more than other more severe pains (which is why i wear shin pads on my legs when i play softball)...
unfortunately, some balls hit just to the side or (or under) the pad (or so hard) that the shin is not protected by the pad and that is what happened this morning as i was practicing with a few people... it didn't help that the field was muddy at the pitcher's mound and even mushier in the batter's box so the right (plant) foot so shin muscles were overworked pitching and hitting and shine and foot muscles, especially right, were hurting after the first hitting cycle (the core muscles have gotten so weak in this recent coach potato phase)... nor did it help that i slept just three hours, if that much, and felt really bloated and needed to poop big time halfway through the practice (hey, tmi is in the eye of the beholder, ya know?) and there were no bathrooms around which slowed my down even more (not to mention not wanting to bend or push the core a whole lot)...
yeah, so continuing the babbling explanation of the body awakening that brings me back to this blog (which is needed now more than ever in this life), my fielding was sluggish and after about two hundred pitches (which includes two hundred bend over and pick up a ball and at least a dozen fielding plays), I decided not to bend and just kicked the back and either the shin pad was turned sideways or i turned my foot slightly or both and owweeeee! dangit!... i kept pitching and kept practicing but walking is now extremely painful... hopefully a bone is not chipped... not much swelling yet, so blood vessels are intact... maybe it's a tendon bruise... we shall see...
i am rambling in an attempt to distract the brain from the body pain signals but it is not working... no drugs, no distractions, just evelate, ice, and pain...
narf, dangit!
Friday, June 5, 2015
still not enough sleep
still playing softball and still under 200 pounds and still waiting for the motivation to drop under 190 then under 180 then who knows but not exercising other than softball and not exercising as much softball lately and that is not just foolish, it is madness...
alone too long...
narf :)
Sunday, January 4, 2015
pills
i ate again when i got home, too many calories today, pasta and cheese and eggplant... it didn't help, so i drank some chocolate milk for the fast sugar and that helped, so a sugar low in spite of eaching breakfast and lunch?... it was not hot out there and the sun was down... i will be going to another softball practice tomorrow where they will likely want me to pitch and participate even more and i am going to pull the coach aside and set limits, but that is not why i play softball or exercise... so the doctor and i will have a long talk about these pills in ten days when i see him again... or sooner if the unpleasantries get worse...
i hate pills...
Monday, December 29, 2014
the old 6.0
yeah, if i am to give into medical science, for all the debating and pondering and wondering and avoiding why eating brings sleepiness, but but all signs point to this, pre-diabetes more than other stuff... alas, the old 6.0 has been chasing me for the last ten years or so...
so maybe i ought to pick up some apple cider vinegar and some chromium again, and increase oatmeal, cinnamon, broccoli, spinach, and green beans (all of which i do eat, just not as often lately due to rushing through meals... and laziness)... cactus? (prickly pear)... and well-cooked soft pasta is an enemy, alas, but i prefer mush to al dente... then again, supplements can be so sketchy in quality... so much research, so much to speculate on... maybe even a sleep study... of course we could study forever and miss out on living (remember that)...
lose the weight, exercise more, balance the diet, add more of the foods above, maybe some supplements, and review the doctor's findings and recommendations... that's the attitude i am taking into the doctor'a office in the morning... oh yeah, i left out get more regular and enough sleep...
Sunday, December 28, 2014
and the changes (whew)
finally, i found a can of chicken hiding in the back of the pantry and made chicken salad with fat free mayo and added chopped clams for flavor and some onion salt, garlic salt, garlic, and a pinch of a smoked seasoning) and it was yummy... ate it with peas... i was concerned because i've been eating tuna and salmon all week and too much fish, especially canned fish, is definitely not a healthy diet do i was looking to balance the protein and was happy to find the chicken when i searched the cupboards for the third time... and the pasta was starting to call out...
i know canned meats and veggies is not the way to eat healthy, but it is working to drop weight and i will increase the fresh foods (and try to make time for cooking) as the changes continue... the primary focus right now is reducing daily calorie intake, reducing fat, carbs, salts, and sugars... that could be done a lot better without the canned food, but at least it is getting done pretty well... max loss is over seventeen pounds as of this morning, 22nd day, which is definitely results... scary good, even...
the next change to eating habits is necessary (and should have happened with this meal) which is eating less... i ate a lot less than what would be a typical meal for me before this month (up until the 7th), but i definitely felt the bloat start early on and continued eating anyway partly out of habit but more because i know i needed the calories and protein cuz it's been more than 24 hours since i last ate and even though i was not feeling hungry, the body needs food (don't need it to go into starvation mode and start storing fat instead of burning it) and there was a total of 500 calories in the meal so i pushed extra in but next time, half the amount, stop when the bloat begins (yes, my mantra must be stop at first bloat from this point on, definitely) and save the rest for a next meal...
and i must change that mindset, wherever it comes from (the taste buds have heavy influence, the emo food addition too, and the old starving children in china {or africa or wherever) ploy adults drilling into kids probably plays a role even though i am a natural rebel and non-conformist cuz i care beyond control deep down, and other influences, certainly, for later analysis), that i must finish everything on my plate...
smaller plates, save for next time, and focus on the belly and bloat reflex much much more than the taste buds, that's what i've gotta do better... but at least i am eating a whole lot less fat and carbs and less salt and overall, way over on the healthier extreme... balance will come when the excess weight is gone... and after real exercise starts...
continue...
Friday, December 26, 2014
summing up so far
today is the 19th day since i impulsively and largely subconsciously decided it was time to stop indulging the food junkie and drop weight i've slowly been piling on for more than a year... no coincidence i had reached my max weight of 220 (every time i get there, the discomfort overwhelmes anything else like the food junkie or the emotional eater or any other aspect of my personality and i either stagnate there or bounce off a wall and drop weight... i seemed to have done both this time)... i will guage what the peak weight was after my doctor visits (oh how i love modern medicine, aye?) but it was over 220 on the crap house scale... 220.8, actually... that crap scale read 205.4 today... the actual weight is likely higher, but i will compare before and after the appointments to try to give the home scale a better value... anyway, weight is not just a number, it is distribution of body fat and how the body feels and the body feels better, though the distribution remains the biggers challenge as arms and legs ache because there is minimal fat on them to lose and the body fat lingers under the skin... the skin remains firm due to years of exercise and toning... the exercise started with 10 pound dumbbell curls and presses two days ago and the shoulders are sore and tight, but the aerobic and fat burning exercise has not started yet primarily due to high blood pressure (peaking at 215/110, which is why i am finally getting back to a doctor and will seriously consider medication)...
so there are the numbers and the facts and how i feel about the factors involves... day by day, i have the body on the road to improvement... if i survive, life will be good... if i don't i hope life will still be good, just without me in it... and if something comes next, may that be good too...
body thoughts consider the reality of no more body too, ya know? :)
Thursday, December 25, 2014
remember exercise?
yeah, i'll talk to the doctor and take it reasonably sensible slow... maybe it's time for another full stress test, echo cardiogram, and other such tests... pity i am going to spend this year's medical savings on band aids and ace bandages and the like as it's too late to schedule anything this year... but tomorrow is another year (well, almost), and i seem pretty dedicated to the change again... the body cheers... it would applaud, but the arms are kind of numb...
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
kidneys
the kidneys also produce stones, both oxylate and uric acid stones, which is unique as typically kidneys produce one or the other and some doctors simply do not believe me... those doctors don't get to see proof as i don't return... it's been a couple of years since i passed any sort of noticeable stone, and at least a year since i passed any uric acid sediment (granular)... that is likely because i have not stressed the body by dropping weight... the stones and sediment always come when i drop weight... and the occasional kidney infections and/or urinary tract infections along with them... hopefully they won't return this time...
anyway, that's the brief history of the kidneys... for body thoughts, you know...
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
bodies change
Monday, December 22, 2014
meeting the challenge
there's always hope, right?...
i hope :}
Saturday, December 20, 2014
dietary choices (irreverently)
and the body once again takes a deep breath and hangs on to the ride i give it... it is more fun that dying without excitement, challenge, and all the physical changes and stimulations, after all...
Friday, December 19, 2014
almost two weeks
surely you are inspired to take better care of your body now, right? :)
Saturday, December 13, 2014
another week
anyway, i would love to drop 5 pounds a week but more likely it will be about 3 pounds a week if i stay vigilant... hopefully exercise and health will be added to that focus this week...
what are you doing with and to your body these days?...
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
struggle
but at least the news is good so far...
Sunday, December 7, 2014
something happening here
something happening...
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
do i really want to die?
maybe i will start living better again tomorrow... or next month...
still i find reasons to smile :)
sigh...
Saturday, September 13, 2014
fool
fool i am these days...
Thursday, July 31, 2014
for a while
still playing softball regularly... hitting well, pitching great (ego aside, it's something i do better than most) and running ok, though slowing down as i slowly crept to a max life weight (about 40 pounds over where i would call my ideal weight) and allowing muscles to weaken, alas, working 60 plus hours a week and giving most of the rest of my time to others leaves little time for me, but ultimately it is making the choice to indulge my taste buds for physical and emotional pleasure more than any other choice available that has left me bloated and growing (wait for it....) old...
yeah, i said it... so what... hey, at least i am calling myself out here and that's got to count for something... i wonder how many strikes i have left in this life... shhhh, i'll remember that being this stupidly self-destructive on a food high is not as much fun as alternative highs... there's always hope (i hope)...
and how are you? :)
Sunday, June 15, 2014
definitely not wise
seriously vigorous exercise used to be how i managed the binges and overall weight maintenance which is why i am not visually obese and the skin is not flabby (though it is flabbier than it's ever been these days... drum drum drum, beat that drum)... still, something must change if i do not want to age quickly over the next decade or few...
if we had room for an exercise machine in this place i'd have one, but... maybe on the porch... with a big fan... if i had the spare cash... so many obstacles and the space and cash is real, but the procrastination and laziness is definitely my choice... so hello again, body thoughts... hope i come back again soon...
and the body just looks up and grunts...
Sunday, April 6, 2014
not forgotten, just ignored
what brings us back here is the 5K i just walked... 43:10 or so... i just didn't feel the heart to push to stay under 43... the pace was set by jackson and her foot, which is recovering from foot surgery, and her best time is just under 40 so she did great for her first 5K back after the surgery... we have a softball double header later so we are resting now... as for me, well, i have not been doing any exercise other than softball which, for cardio, is just a half dozen sixty foot sprints each game, if that many... not exactly pushing to improve conditioning, softball is more for fun and light exercise... though reflexes definitely get tested when a ball comes flying off a bat at the head (or body) at eighty to a hundred mph from 43 feet away... reaction time, that's the ticket...
i am not as amused as i might seem, though i am not fretting or beating myself up the way i might have in years past because life is a whole lot better with a healthy helping of acceptance... not if i can only reduce the complacency, procrastination, and other stupid human tricks... right, let's hope this next year is the big change back to optimization and last year is the last mostly dead year of this life... you remember the mostly dead, dontcha?...
snarky moods rock :)
Monday, September 9, 2013
thank goodness for softball
loneliness?... i used to love to run by myself, but then, there was also a hope of sharing this body within the motivation to continue running... the love of the runner's high was wonderful and enough some of the time, but the pleasure of sharing the body in optimal condition was wonderful too... so get back to the high and hope, right?...
apathy?... that's the short path to aging and death, ya know?... depression?... not so much, but there is a whole lot of it around me and i do absorb the energy fields and auras around me cuz i feel less alone when i connect like that (even if others are not aware of the connections cuz they are not aware of their energy fields or auras... and that brings us back to loneliness i suppose)...
break the cycle, even if it feels so lonesome i could die, aye?...
narf :}
Monday, September 2, 2013
a week-long softball tournament
and the weeks prior to the tournament were, well, as not noted here, only routinely active... some softball, though not as much as the rest of the year, and just foolish general laziness... time flies when you're stupid...
let's try to be healthier and more active this month, m'ok?...
Thursday, August 8, 2013
surfing the landslide
6 laps total time 34:36... lap times 5:30; 5:34; 5:44; 5:57; 6:11; 5:58... second best 6 lap time yet, would have been first best if i could have gotten lap 5 under 6 minutes... still a fairly steady pace... best times recorded for laps 2, 3, and 4 which is slight improvement... the tracking app andor phone screen did not work well so it is not useful for in-run time checks and it refused to stop when i pressed stop so the cummulative times recorded in the app are wrong again... but anyway, i got out there again and maintained a fair pace for where this body is at this moment, so ok...
meanwhile, the app says that the 6 laps was 9.26 miles... yes, 9.26 miles... so every other stat was ridiculous... like average miles per hours... 22.8, 19.1, 23.1, 16, 24.7, 21.2, 18.8, 17.4, and 7.5 mph for each of the supposed nine miles... laps times were over 20 mph as well... ridiculous... meaningless... just plain stupid... like an average pace of 3.48 mph... the map shows how inconsistent and inaccurate the gps becomes (perhaps because i run with the phone in my hand as my arm pumping varies), though i have not found a way to copy and paste the map...
whatever, continue...
Monday, August 5, 2013
not dead yet
lap times... 5:24; 5:49; 6:00; 6:08; 6:01; 5:55... total time 35:19 (previous best 34:47)... no records set, just a fair steady pace and the second best overall time for the 6 laps... the rest of the info was quite annoyingly inaccurate, or at least random, as usual... this time 6 laps was 3.45 miles, apparently... everything else is just meaningless numbers and i am not in the mood to play with numbers, so that's the stats for this track... and i put the pasta in the fridge cuz i am not even the least bit hungry...
please continue again...
Sunday, August 4, 2013
meanwhile, on the poop deck
meanwhile, after wiping the blood off the shin and applying a bit of triple antibiotic ointment, while more pasta (comfort food) heats up in the microwave, time for a walk...
narf :}