Poorly Feeling

Enough so that I am here recording the physical experience in this body for posterity. In case it matters. In case I don't make it. We are feeling as poorly as I have felt in many years, I think. The mind blocks the worst experience in this life from time to time, especially when the body needs rest and healing, so perhaps this is merely the worst head cold I've felt in many heads. It has been building for the past week and presently, the sinuses wish explosion was an option. A relatively no stop flow of thin clearish mucous keeps me putting paper towel to my nose as gently as possible because I have no tissues and do not want to look like bozo the clown, especially not with an interview later this week. Hopefully I am all better for that. The throat soreness is increasing. The body feels chilled (the temperature was 97.4 at the last check-up, though I my thermometer is packed away somewhere in the storage boxes for now). The thought of mold and whether this is a reaction to being exposed to it in this environment raises a valid point in the mind as there is amply evidence of a serious mold growth in this space and I spent much more time in this environment in the past week and the heating system was turned on for the first time about a week ago... Research just leaves me feeling worse, not to mention whiny and ungrateful).

So I showered, but for some reason the hot water did not feel even close to hot this afternoon and no one has used the water for at least three or four hours. Just when I needed a seriously hot steamy sinus clearing body challenging scorcher too. So I sit wrapped in my big red robe and that warms the body a bit. It is time to search the storage for slippers not only for foot warmth, but in case the mold is throughout the carpet which is very likely. I drank chocolate milk this week, a half gallon (almost, there is a little left) and also cheese and the dairy may have contributed to the mucous. So many possibilities, but the feeling is the same. Sick. Yucky. Blah.

The question of when the exercise so often recommended by every good sense in the head waves hello and I wave back as if I take it seriously, but I act more like the happy idiot slowly (or rapidly) vegetating into the aging process. Now that softball is on hiatus for almost two months... hopefully I will stop being stupidly lazy and get out for some walk/runs and more, even though the anemia has the doctor recommending no exertion. These days, more and more, the body feels trapped, or perhaps the body feels like a trap to the mind. Is this all there is to growing old?

Positivity is not easily maintained when feeling poorly.

Try harder :)

Bumps Along the Road to Optimal Health

As I type, the armpits distract the mind with burning pain, especially the left one. I showered and put on deodorant. Is it the deodorant I put on after the shower I had a couple of hours ago? Is it the extra deodorant I put on just ten minutes ago? I think maybe the latter and yet, the deodorant is not new and has not had this sort of reaction before. Is it the fungal infection the body has been fighting for months reacting to the deodorant? Perhaps as the anal irritation has returned as well, but there are other likely causes for that.

And the anal pain and bleeding continues to increase.

This is likely due to a few factors we can explore for the record and for any doctor who might care for me now or anytime.

- The stress of the move both physically in labor and emotionally in excitement and uncertainty and trepidation of health risks in the new living space.

- The high level of mold and final growth in the new space has and the uncleanliness have the body and mind even more stressed physically.

- The food intake... more per day than in the previous month or more and more calories per day and more meats and fats and carbs and in the past four days, more simple sugars.

- The health supplements... none of the supplements to aid digestion except Cinnamon and Chromium. No daily Apple Cider Vinegar, Raw Potato Starch, Activia Yogurt, Fruit (Apples), Veggies (Carrots),

- Adjusting to pooping in a new and very unclean space.

The effects are larger and more painful poops that result in anal stretching that tears something that bleeds. I suspect hemorrhoids but it could be anal fissures, tumors, or worse. Not knowing and not having health insurance for the tests I should have produce extreme stress.

So I spent more than $50 on treatments.

- More P-H suppositories.

- Over the counter anti-fungal cream (two different kinds).

- Laxative pills.

- Fleet Glycerin Suppositories

Then I did some research and found that Glycerin can feed fungus because it is an alcohol based sugar so I may return that and stay with prune juice or laxative pills when I need a laxative. This is the first time all year I considered using one other than the Glycerin and that was just to lubricate for comfort not for constipation. As long as I eat a balanced diet (not 95% meat, limited red meat) and consistently consume the supplements (Apple cider vinegar, raw potato starch, an Activia or other probiotic a few times a week, all is well inside - it's the anus that pains me).

The cream the doctor prescribed, Nystatin 100,000 Units, was only available through a prescription and the various active ingredients in the OTC anti-fungal creams are several different chemicals that are not well differentiated in literature and not reviewed well for consumer use which makes choosing the right one for me much more challenging than it should be. There appears to be little or no consensus on several key questions. Ultimately I have one question - what is the best-safest OTC anti-fungal cream that can be used on or even in the anus?

Don't all answer at once now :)

Tomorrow I must get Activia and prune juice and start consuming some apple cider vinegar and raw potato flour daily again as that was helping reduce the appetite and weight and stool size and overall health was improving. I also must consider visiting the free clinic again on Tuesday morning and letting a doctor look up my ass more closely and find out if a colonoscopy is possible now that my symptoms are continuing for months and getting more serious. Yes. I must figure out how to get tests that could reduce my stress and keep me alive longer.

What a drag it is...

Yeah, older.

Narf :)

Continuing to Breathe

The first title for this entry was continuing to live but I realized that what I do most days is only partial living according to my standards and definitions so nevermind, that's lament and analysis for another entry. Here, in the body, I am continuing to breathe. All of the issues shared in semi-meticulous details (at least it wasn't graphic) continue to be part of the experience of being in this body. The back is mostly better and was fine as I played a marathon softball tournament and other softball games over the past month. I just need to be careful moving and not sit in the same position for long periods. Other issues have gotten a bit better, though the skin flaking has gotten worse (probably due to my letting the beard grow for a month or two). I still need to find a doctor to look at my rhoids and make sure they are not something more serious. Yes, I should do that soon.

The body is lonelier than ever as nobody lives with me and I do not share daily. There is no intimacy except for the hugs I get from softball people and thank goodness they hug a lot. I get to see them once a week starting next weekend. The softball season starts tomorrow night and I have three leagues scheduled for this season so far and can go to the seniors on at least two other days if I want more softball. That will depend on how the back and heel feel as the heel is now chronic and the back is still fragile. The diet sucks as much as ever as I indulge the taste buds and the food addiction to ease the emotional loneliness and economic and other stress. Today I made an effort to get back in touch with the body more and as much as the news is not great, keeping in touch and aware is the essential aspect of improving body conditions.

So that's it about my body for now. Feel free to share yours. :)

Everything At Once (In Depth)

This might be a dozen entries or more, but here it is all in one, the body reports on all the issues from head to toe, or randomly, or perhaps as they affect me and get the mind's attention at this moment. This will be an in d

Body issues rise up more often as the years pass and lately I have some skin issues that disturb my peace and tranquility. Insect bite issues on my legs have popped up again since I've been doing the yard work. It is so hot I went out with just shorts, flip-flops, and a t-shirt last time and clearing multi-year over-growth in what are basically wild woods is not something to do without some skin coverage, especially on feet and legs. It is just so hot and I perspire so much and overheat much more easily now that I take that blood pressure medication regularly. I don't check the BP regularly, which leads into the lack of medical check-ups which leads into potentially more serious concerns. In any case, this will be the body report for this moment in time (or this year, perhaps) for posterity after the body ceases to be and perhaps for the next medical check up if I ever have one (and if I find a doctor willing to read all of this, I will love that doctor for a long long time).

So insect bites are probably the most distracting of the body issues presenting at this moment, but other skin issues are creeping up to consciousness more often. I have what I thought was an insect bite on my neck, the left back - same side as the cramping that comes when I stop long vigorous exercise or when I sit for too long in the recliner with the laptop on my lap or sometimes when I drink a cold drink while sitting in a restaurant - but it seems to be recurring and it would be odd to have the bite happen in the same spot. It, like back itching skin issues, are in areas I can not see easily (even with mirrors, which I do not have at the moment), so I am puzzled. Maybe Jackson will look for me tomorrow before lunch (not exactly a lunch topic, "ummm, take a look at my skin itches please and tell me what it looks like?, but she loves me so she'll hate it but do it... hey. better than asking her to look at some other body issues you'll read about later on if you continue reading lol).

Then there are the rhoids. Yes, hemorrhoids. At least I think they are rhoids and I've always treated them as rhoids and the last time I went to the doctor for a colonoscopy there were no worries, but that was ten years ago so... yeah, it is definitely time. No money for it though. Stress. I suspect the primary causes are diet and sitting for extended periods in the recliner and three nights a week playing cards and probably not doing the stretching and detailed personal hygiene I used to do before I moved into this place that has a cramped standing shower and bathroom with no working sink, not to mention less daily exercise in general, but I do need to adjust diet and lifestyle if I want to live longer. Unfortunately, I have no bathtub and there is no place to put a sitz bath in the bathroom and the only place to clean a portable sitz bath would be the cramped stand-up shower, but I am considering getting one. I am also considering going to the free clinic again, but that is awkward for this an requires sitting for four to five hours minimum waiting for the doctor. I don't know if they can send me anywhere for a free colonoscopy though so it might be a waste of time. Still, a priority as the rhoids (or whatever it is) is not responding to the usual treatments and getting more annoying with itching and occasional pain and rhoid-like bleeding (bright red, little, right after defecating only).

Lower back. At the time of this entry the lower back was not an issue, but shortly after writing this the lower back became the focal point of this life so I am adding this paragraph. While I experience months of no lower back pain in spite of any exercise I might do, including heavy lifting, long days of landscaping work, long days of softball practices or games, or anything else, recently some serious lower back pain laid me out, literally, curled in a fetal position. Laying flat on my back was torture. Rolling over was torture. Getting up from sitting or trying to get out of bed was a long tedious seriously painful process. You can read the back details here (since I was out of touch with this blog at the time).

Then there is the renal system, kidneys and tubes. The right one seems to be producing more stones lately. I have no idea if is related to the large water cysts found by the urologist some ten or twelve years ago, nor do I know if those cysts have gotten any larger and contribute to the bloat I feel in the abdominal cavity even when I do not over-eat and I will not know until I discipline myself to lose the thirty (fourty?) extra pounds I carry around and/or go back to doctors for the tests (ultrasound, cat scan, MRI) that can answer the internal questions, but the latter will not be happening anytime soon unless I win a lottery or get the best health insurance I've ever heard of in the next job I get and the former will not happen unless I dramatically change my lifestyle because the three nights a week cards with heavy meat eaters and the lack of daily exercise and the living without a kitchen or sink and not having funds to eat out daily for salads and healthier foods and no one with good habits caring enough to be around daily all present the procrastinating laziness and taste buds with little or no opposition to continuing the relatively poor diet and lack of daily exercise. Obvious frustration comes out in meandering babbling that does not amuse, in case you did not know that and might have wanted to. A key factor I ignore until it happens again is that every time I start dropping the weight I feel poorly and kidney stones increase and other issues pop up. The fact that it is 95 degrees and humid outside at the moment does not help either when I don't have air conditioning or ventilation in here. $120 a year for a gym membership that I might not use because I have no gym partners and it's not walking/running distance away? Maybe.

Am I back to whatever already? (reference to a degree of apathy that cares enough to itemize issues but does not care enough to make decisions about taking actions to remedy the issues, in case you were not aware of my jargon or whatever).

Right heel. Sometimes it feels like achilles and sometimes it feels like what may be the heel version of plantar fasciitis, though it does not radiate on the bottom of the foot anymore. It is just above the heel and comes after running or a lot of walking. It presents as after-pain (pain after resting) in the right heel regularly after exercise now which makes the prospect of jogging and returning to 5Ks less likely and makes the need for a gym membership all the more vital. Maybe it is aggravated by the old cleats (since I do most of my running in cleats these days).

Left Neck. As mentioned somewhere in the ramblings about body issues I seem to have gotten into today, the left rear neck muscle cramping continues to slow me down when I am aggressive with physical exercise. It requires finding a specific posture and position and resting in that position for up to fifteen minutes sometimes five is enough) to fully recover full movement without pain. While some dark recesses of my mind wonder if it is some sort of lymph or thyroid or muscle tumor, I recall that I occasionally experienced the same pain and restriction of movement in my teens and I related it to posture as when I stood up straighter and held my head up more erect (the position the pain forces to relieve it), I not only felt better physically but felt more aware mentally and more aware emotionally. So part of me sees that pain as an instinctive reminder to evolve into a more functionally aware being that comes from aligning the spine better. It's my theory and I'm sort of sticking to it.

Fingers and hands. Likely early arthritis from all the writing and hand movement in my career and leisure activities, the hands and fingers sometimes ache and cramp. Opening water bottles can be painful at times, though it has not become a contrast daily issue yet.

Left ear. The tinnitus is as bad as ever and I am starting to notice some right ear ringing as well (somewhere in my memory I remember my right ear being my weak tinnitus ear, but maybe I am just starting to lose memory cells) which may be partly due to the wax build-up which has reached that point of needing lavage. Again, no medical professional in my life which is not just due to no income or health insurance, alas, it is a sign of how isolated I live - the lack of close personal contacts because I do not trust people and have become increasingly distant from people which prevents any intimacy (in spite of all the medical professionals and Nurses I've worked with over the years and in spite of having reciprocating skills, I know no one I can ask to lavage my ears) which goes well beyond the body issues (wow, aren't we learning a whole lot about me being the body in this entry, aye?), but let's limit this entry to body analysis since we've already determined that I am not in the mood for self-analysis these days.

Scalp. The hair is thinning to a point where I will likely be balding from the top front over the next few years. The cost of hair treatments prevents any real thought of exploring them even if I did let my comfort and vanity lead me in that direction. It is probably barely noticeable to anyone who does not look close (who pays attention to me in the physical world?... don't know if anyone does anymore) as the hair is still very thick and wild, but it is definitely happening. I don't have anyone to ask about the real world pros and cons of rogaine or other over-the-counter treatments and I've heard that once those are started they must continue for life or the hair loss accelerates, so I leave the package of rogaine I impulsively purchased last year unopened on the shelf. Other than the hair loss, the scalp skin experiences similar occasional bites and irritations just like the rest of the body mentioned earlier. Also, probably due to showering less than once a day lately, I find more flaking of the face and a bit of scalp lately. This body has always shed a lot of skin, though I have not experienced dandruff in decades. The face is a lot more flaky than anywhere else. Stand-up cramped shower makes showering a chore instead of the pleasure showers always have been for me, but I must adjust. Time for some dandruff shampoo.

Muscles. The muscles are atrophying faster and regenerating slower with each passing year and in the past couple of years both processes are accelerating way faster than I'd like. Stamina sucks, both muscle and aerobic, to put it mildly. I can do something about that (whatever?). I know my standards are higher than most, being a former marathoner with memories of many consecutive sub-5 minute miles in long runs, but I doubt I could do a 15 minute mile at the moment (even in reasonable temperatures) and that saddens me beyond words when I think about it. Just as importantly, the muscles are weakening to a point where my softball play is effected and that leads to concerns about the internal muscles, most particularly the heart. The rectal muscles have shown signs of the aging and weakening as the hemorrhoids and skin discomforts are likely part of a weakening sphincter and other muscles so I am trying not to think about how the heart muscles are being affected or effected or infected by the laziness and apathy and whatever I've sunken deep into the past year or few. Jackson used to care enough to drag me to 5Ks and the gym, but she gave up on that years ago. I still believe she cares, but that's a whole other long babbly entry for another time. It is up to me to care enough, I know. Stop me before I slide any closer to self-analysis, m'ok?

Eyes. While I still read most things without strain and with minimal squinting (like there is no trouble at all reading the text in this box or most anything else online), the eyes are finally showing signs of aging and the lack of exercise is a big part of that deterioration as well. Eye muscles need regular very specific exercise too, after all. Much of my reading is online for the past decade or so which offers little in the way of the exercise reading fine print or books offers. Who cares, again, right? I think I am tiring of this body issues report.

Nose Hairs and other Sundries. Yes, the old man hair grows faster in the nose and on the ears as the years pass. I don't groom with the fine tuning I used to partly out of laziness but even more due to the lack of facilities for such grooming here. And nobody cares to mention it if they notice. This probably leads to less attractiveness in our perfect-seeking culture which adds to the isolation and loneliness, so yes, let's blame it all on the nose hairs. Lonely old nose hairs. There's a song in there somewhere.

Anyway, those are the body issues that come to mind for the moment (as inspiration to write more fades with ebery word). All the other vital and non-vital systems seem to be working well, or at least within comfortable parameters. Whether I am functioning within normal parameters I will leave for Data or someone who cares enough to dig deeper with me if that person ever comes along. It may be that I compartmentalize so well and have such a high pain tolerance that I ignore the body more or better than is wise, but then, it's my life to mess up after all. If you care that much, feel free to come by and assess me for yourself.

Please? :)

Laughing as I go, I will step back and then I see (and feel) that overall, most of the time, it feels great to be alive in this body and I really had to think about some of the details in this entry. That does not mean the details are exaggerated, it just means the deterioration of this body has not become a routine interference in the enjoyment of being physically alive most of the time. So all in all, it is still a wonderful life for the body.

Am I Dying?

Of course the answer is yes, we are all dying. We start dying the moment we become alive, whenever we define that moment to be. Some deaths come suddenly, like the death of an iTunes UpNext playlist when a new song is clicked upon (which is an obscure reference that has nothing to do with anything that might be on my mind, but that is the way it is these days) or a gunshot through the temple. Some deaths last through every moment of a very long lifetime, whatever we define a long lifetime to be. In any case, while it is fair to say that reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated, there are some signs pointing to the end of this life more than ever these days. Some may be detailed a bit more in another entry.

All this to say mostly nothing.

I am still languishing (or is it resting?) in a relatively apathetic malaise of no exercise other than softball games and dealing cards. Pathetic, if you ask me, but then, nobody asks me anything these days. I've been rendered mostly useless. Hope that changes one of these days. Don't be sad or fret much or worried, the passive abuse of the body through neglect (though diet does not help) may be as temporary as the abuse of language in this entry. It is an odd entry for this blog, but then, this is an odd blog at times.

Also mostly harmless.

Maybe I need a gym

So even though I have not walk/jogged since the last entry... wait a minute, that's how the last entry started. I should grumble, but I am too tired and in a good mood. Playing softball five days a week the past month has been wonderfully challenging and winning has made it all the better. The physical labor helping a friend with landscaping is less than once a week now, but today I got a great upper body workout pitchforking mulch. The aches and pains are minimal these days, though the extreme pain in the right heel after rest until it is stretched and loosened does continue, it is more prominent when i do not get enough sleep. most of the other aches have faded in spite of playing so much. There is still the bloat and the occasional left neck cramps. The infections have healed.

Again, this update is to keep in touch with the body and maybe remind me that I did intend to keep the new phase of walk/jogging going. The injuries delayed that and the right achillese/heel continues to make me not get back out jogging, but never give up, never surrender, ya know? :)

update

So even though I have not walk/jogged since the last entry, I am turning up the energy and running at softball and playing more often. Up to ten games a week when the tournaments are added in. The past three days I pitched seven games and hit well so I ran the bases a lot. Also, I am working hard physically doing landscaping work with my friend Curly at least once or twice a week and helping him with other heavy labor projects like cutting down and removing trees and lots of other heavy lifting. This and other activities have lead to a list of injuries and such. Among the aches and pains are soreness in the foot, extreme pain in the right heel after rest until it is stretched and loosened, twinge of right mcl knee pain, aching from the softball shot to the right upper arm, discomfort and such that comes after passing a kidney stone (earlier today), the bloat, the occasional left neck cramps, both calf soreness from bruises, cuts, and scraps with more pain in the right leg from infection and slight swelling, arthritis in both hands, and there must be some more I am leaving out.

So this update is to keep in touch with the body and maybe remind me that I did intend to keep the new phase of walk/jogging going. The injuries are delaying that, but never give up, never surrender, ya know? :)

Momentous, No Doubt

This is the 304th entry in this blog (sort of, but who's counting?... who's even here? lol... ah, the fun never ceases to go on without us if we are not paying attention) and by now the relative body thought may as well be just let me die already what with the laziness and the apathy and the procrastination and the depression and the emotional over-eating and the general malaise when it comes to motivation to exercise (not counting pitching and playing in at least five softball games in five different leagues every week, sometimes more with double headers, not counting the travel ball team). So this might be another momentous failure to lift off, but I actually put on cheap old velcro sneakers (that I use for yard work) because I was too lazy to find the box of footwear and went out for a run the other day.

I use the word run very loosely.

Two laps of a cul-de-sac across from the driveway here on the little lane upon which I am currently residing. I will measure the distance another time because the app I downloaded, SportsTracker, seems to be able to find my location but it does not record any movements or mileage so either it is not telling me it only does that in the paid version or it simply does not work. The momentous part is I went out again tonight and did four laps up and down the hill to the main road. Again, distance will be measured another time for comparison purposes, but I did it. Sounds so pathetic for a marathoner to be at this point, that is, to let the body, stamina, muscle tone, and mind go this far down the path of being out of shape. Anyway, I slow jogged the first, then walked up the hill and slow jogged down for the last three. The times for the four laps were 3:11, 4:30, 4:30, and 4:39 for a total of 16:52. See, the app does not even provide seconds. What runner would use this limited and poorly functioning app?

So we shall see how this turns out. It will be momentous, no doubt. Either it will kill me or I will quit again or I will be running a 5k some time next year or maybe even this year (slow down, let's just get out there for a third time before and then get to the point where I can actually run a mile without stopping and then we can look further ahead... actually, let's forget the mile for now and get that third slow jog walk in, m'ok?).

I really must succeed cuz I'd hate to die out there on the road all alone.

Philosophical Dilemma?

Feeling flabby, soft, out of shape. More than ever before in this life. Aches are spreading in the muscles used for pitching and swinging the bat (much more the former than the latter though as I do the former much more than the latter). Frustrated with thr laziness and apathy that has gotten me here. Wishing someone cared enough to do something but knowing it is rare. Why should someone care about me more than I do?

Because that is what love is?

What is love?

aging needs no assistance

and i've been giving it more assistance than is wise in the past year, except maybe last June when I appear to have woken up for a few weeks only to go back to sleep as i stayed lost in the 24/7 working world and left it to softball to keep the body from completely stagnating... softball did it's thing as well as it can, but i've even gotten lazy out there on the mound and have not fought to play anywhere but pitcher and don't have not practiced hard for longer than is wise so we must admit i have been rather unwise... the mind has been neglecting the body and the mind agrees...

will this entry change anything?...

please?...

senses

so this just came out as i was waiting for lunch...

food is my best friend... also can be my worst enemy, but then, that's not food's fault... actully, best friend may be the wrong term... it is my closest companion these days... and most stable consistently satisfying stimulation and comfort and pleasure in this life... sexual partners come and go, friends come and go, even family comes and goes, but food remains... fun experiences come and go, great jobs come and go, even exercise comes and goes, but food remains... the pleasures of the senses in this body have carried me through the highs and lows of this life whether in relationships, living with friends, or living alone and as long as i moderate calories, food is a pleasure i can indulge a several times a day... now if i just remember how much i used to love running, i could enjoy food even more lol ((yeah, laughing, but body says there is nothing more true or serious :)

i guess i should come to my senses (seriously, aye?)...

alas, though (yes, this entry has an alas), the years seem to take a toll on the body and between working and aging, the body does not burn calories as well as it did (metabolism gets old fast in these bodies) and do not recover as fast and all of the senses lose their sharpness, clarity, and maybe even some of the sensitivity that makes them each so wonderful... hearing is maybe 50% in one ear and definitely lower overall... i should see a doctor about a hearing aid for large room social events because that was a challenge just this week at a work event... sight is still way above average, but the copyright year on cds may be getting out of reach and more light is definitely needed and fatigue factors in big time, but i exercise the eyes as i've always done and have not needed to reach for a magnifyer more than a couple of times a month and only for extremely fine print when i am tired... the nose has lost some sensory power, maybe a lot... it's tough to tell as olfactory glans acclimate to odors so easily and i don't depend on my nose much, at least not consciously... even skin, touch, has diminished some thught i am not sure if it is as irreversably as the others (without surgery that is)... and taste buds are still overwhelming so if they have diminished in sensitivity, it's hardly noticeable... the other senses have definitely diminished but they are more dependant on body condition, spinal alignment, and mental clarity, all three of which i've allowed to wallow for a number of years... irreverable?... who knows, if i ever start running daily again and keep it up for a year i will let you know... yes, the body still has the last word so there is hope...

everybody dance!

and by dance, i mean move... any sort of movement will do, but the vigorous the better... get the heart pumping to at least twice, if not three times it's resting rate and make the rest of the muscles burn... lactic acid is your friends... for as important as rest and relaxation is, moving is important too... there are those who cannot move and must accept being in an atrophic body and choose between despair and depression or determination to make the most of the mind (so it does not atrophy)... there are those who are born without movement or higher level cognitive abilities (like language or analysis) and the must accept life as they are (often quite happy just to use what senses they do have to interact with anyone who comes near)... the point of this title is to encourage every one of you (and me too) to do what we can do as well as we can do it and most specifically, move regularly through the day and move as much as we can at least an hour or two a day to help the body maintain maximum conditioning and regenerate cells as optimally as possible... let's start a movement for life...

yes, i can be positive at times... and this is just one more way i strive to be me, in this case using words to remind us to choose life and stay alive as much as possible on this journey toward death and to do all we can to get the most out of this life experience...

and make it fun :)

focus

slipping out of my mind, i returned to a state over two hundred pounds again and definitely feel stupid and definitely have poor self-control and definitely am at a loss of will power and definitely am in self-destruction mode and definitely wish i could be more amusing cuz i definitely want to be in carefree happy distraction mode again and definitely might not be for this moment as i ask myself to ref-focus on the focus that got me to drop thirty pounds as i find myself nearing gaining half of it back which is something i definitely do not want to face or accept... maybe it was the simpsons..

come on, be serious, this is a matter of life and death...

narf...

it's not all in the mind anymore

so four laps around the smaller loop of this community and i am sad at the state of the muscles of the legs and the state of the stamnia in the lungs... sure, i should expect atrophy since i have not run distances (running around the bases doesn't count as running to a runner) in more than a year and there is this blood pressure pill killing my muscle stamina and other aspects of the athlete i once was, but the layoff hurts a lot and there is no way to really know how much of this set-back is the lay-off and how much is the medication and how much is simply aging... crap, aging is crap... it's not all in the mind anymore...

and yet, as thunder rumbles outside and grumbles rumble inside and still (can't even get the legs to work hard enough to feel the stomach and core burn, alas), somehow, the light of excitement about writing and the hope of connecting and reconnecting with friends continues to shine through the bummer of the body condition... sometimes the spirit amazes me...

the body doesn't always like the mind...

seriously (life or death)

it is a choice every moment, to live or to die, specifically, to take action that is supporting and or enhancing living or to take action that is supporting or excellerating the journey toward death (which is how this journey called life ends, like it or not, at least for us at this point in our development)... and throughout life there are decision points and moments that are more important than others based on specific experiences and body age and as the body ages, the choice of actions becomes more critical because the body does not regenerate cells as quickly or easily as time passes and so the body does not recover from foolish choices as well and sooner or later, the body will not recover... so seriously, it is a time in this life to choose a path again, a critical time, more critical than the critical times noted over the past few years... life or death, what'll it be fella?...

this blog is a reflection of how much communication is going on between the mind and the body i inhabit... it is intended to record the body's experience in this life, hence, body thoughts, what the body must be thinking... it should record the effort i am putting into maintaining the body in as optimal health and condition as possible as the body ages... so the silences, the lack of entries, that is seldom a good thing... bodies and minds must communicate because they are roommates in the same house... the body is the house, the mind mostly controls what happens in the house... the body, at the moment, is not as happy with the mind as it wants to be (and it does want to be, for the body realizes that without each other, the body doesn't remain alive)... the mind, on the other hand, has the possibility that some form of mental energy or consciousness will continue to be aware after the body dissolves back into the stardust, the physical elements it is composed of, so the mind can give up on the body or simply get lazy in taking care of the body... most humans do this, some humans do this a lot to the point of abusing the body to the point of killing the body to varying degrees every day... and they call it human frailty...

it's still a choice... so what will the mind that contains my consciousness decide?... of course whatever the decision, it is the follow-through actions that make the decision real... so seriously mind, what'll it be?...

it is not enough to fall back on time will tell...

it is time to tell...

life...

owie

or is it owweeeee!... well, pain is so subjective it is challenging to quantify even for the same individual) even with hundreds of scientific questions)... it is also relative to mood and perspective and individual body conditioning and usage... for instance, i have an extremely high tolerence for pain most of the time, but certain areas of the body are much more nagging and would be much higher on the pain scale for me than others...

the shins, for instance, send much more intrusive pain into the brain than most other parts of the body... maybe i use shin muscles more than the average human... i've passed jagged kidney stones that took 30 hours to get out and torn tissue causing bleeding for that entire period... refused demerol until the 30th hour even as doctors were insisting i take it and other drugs (the demerol did put me to sleep and when i woke, the stone passed, but i am stubborn and only want drugs i choose and don't do what i am told, especially not when it comes to putting chemicals into this body)...

i've broken bones (ankle, base of tibia, fingers, knuckles, ribs {i think}, more) and refused oxycodone (don't like that drug... give me a quaalude and i'll consider it, prescribe medical marijuana and i'm all in... i mean, drugs get abused, no doubt (alcohol, anyone?... anybody crying out to outlaw ciggarettes?), and painkillers especially do and personally, i am personally opposed to putting painkillers into this body unless the pain will not let me sleep for more than 24 hours, but painkillers are needed sometimesand an individual feeling the pain should be able to decide what works best to relieve the pain... just individual body preferences)...

anyway, all that rambling on to remind myself (distraction, anyone?... friends?... romans?... countrypeople?... bueller?) that i've experience various other serious pains too... but a shin blow can distract me and nearly disable me for a few days more than other more severe pains (which is why i wear shin pads on my legs when i play softball)...

unfortunately, some balls hit just to the side or (or under) the pad (or so hard) that the shin is not protected by the pad and that is what happened this morning as i was practicing with a few people... it didn't help that the field was muddy at the pitcher's mound and even mushier in the batter's box so the right (plant) foot so shin muscles were overworked pitching and hitting and shine and foot muscles, especially right, were hurting after the first hitting cycle (the core muscles have gotten so weak in this recent coach potato phase)... nor did it help that i slept just three hours, if that much, and felt really bloated and needed to poop big time halfway through the practice (hey, tmi is in the eye of the beholder, ya know?) and there were no bathrooms around which slowed my down even more (not to mention not wanting to bend or push the core a whole lot)...

yeah, so continuing the babbling explanation of the body awakening that brings me back to this blog (which is needed now more than ever in this life), my fielding was sluggish and after about two hundred pitches (which includes two hundred bend over and pick up a ball and at least a dozen fielding plays), I decided not to bend and just kicked the back and either the shin pad was turned sideways or i turned my foot slightly or both and owweeeee! dangit!... i kept pitching and kept practicing but walking is now extremely painful... hopefully a bone is not chipped... not much swelling yet, so blood vessels are intact... maybe it's a tendon bruise... we shall see...

i am rambling in an attempt to distract the brain from the body pain signals but it is not working... no drugs, no distractions, just evelate, ice, and pain...

narf, dangit!

still not enough sleep

too much recliner, not enough bed... to much bend of the spine, not enough laying flat out in free fall... curving into old, or curling... the body is begging for a change of position and more sleep and on top of that, i am forgetting the blood pressure pill more often, which will probably lead to a stroke or heart attack cuz the body becomes dependant on the pill (dang drug pushers) and forgetting to take them (or running out, like where am i gonna get the pills after the apocalypse?... suicidal or self-destructive or just pathetic?... probably the trifecta triangle and trinity all rolled into one... an apoplectic apathy, or vice versa... fool...

still playing softball and still under 200 pounds and still waiting for the motivation to drop under 190 then under 180 then who knows but not exercising other than softball and not exercising as much softball lately and that is not just foolish, it is madness...

alone too long...

narf :)

pills

i almost didn't take the third pill and even more almost didn't take the fourth pill because the new blood pressure medication, lisinopril (wiki, webmd, nih, rxlist), may be killing this body (or are those just side effects)... tonight at softball practice i actually had to stop after an hour of pitching and hitting (no running) due to overall exhaustion, shortness of breath, muscle fatigue and aches, dehydration, and wooziness... that seriously sucks... i actually ate breakfast and lunch today, so it was not lack of sustinence or calories... it was not at all a pleasant experience, scary even, and i want it to stop... the med also tells my bladder to wake me every couple of hours through the night and i woke with parched mouth and chapped lips for the first time in more years than i recall... not good for the kidneys or for the rest of the body...

i ate again when i got home, too many calories today, pasta and cheese and eggplant... it didn't help, so i drank some chocolate milk for the fast sugar and that helped, so a sugar low in spite of eaching breakfast and lunch?... it was not hot out there and the sun was down... i will be going to another softball practice tomorrow where they will likely want me to pitch and participate even more and i am going to pull the coach aside and set limits, but that is not why i play softball or exercise... so the doctor and i will have a long talk about these pills in ten days when i see him again... or sooner if the unpleasantries get worse...

i hate pills...

the old 6.0

yeah, if i am to give into medical science, for all the debating and pondering and wondering and avoiding why eating brings sleepiness, but but all signs point to this, pre-diabetes more than other stuff... alas, the old 6.0 has been chasing me for the last ten years or so...

so maybe i ought to pick up some apple cider vinegar and some chromium again, and increase oatmeal, cinnamon, broccoli, spinach, and green beans (all of which i do eat, just not as often lately due to rushing through meals... and laziness)... cactus? (prickly pear)... and well-cooked soft pasta is an enemy, alas, but i prefer mush to al dente... then again, supplements can be so sketchy in quality... so much research, so much to speculate on... maybe even a sleep study... of course we could study forever and miss out on living (remember that)...

lose the weight, exercise more, balance the diet, add more of the foods above, maybe some supplements, and review the doctor's findings and recommendations... that's the attitude i am taking into the doctor'a office in the morning... oh yeah, i left out get more regular and enough sleep...

and the changes (whew)

the good news, no binging, right choices, and 203 pounds this morning... so ok, so the challenge is finding the right food in the house when i am hungry and before any emotional hunger or taste buds get involved.... if the right food isn't easily found, i forage through the fridge and cabinets and all sorts of less than ideal healthy choice might be found as i do keep a reasonable supply of canned foods and packaged foods (lots of pasta) for emergencies... after checking the kitchen a few times i was not happy and feeling a lot of fatigue in mind and body and the will power was waning, but it pulled me out of the kitchen each time without making bad choices...

finally, i found a can of chicken hiding in the back of the pantry and made chicken salad with fat free mayo and added chopped clams for flavor and some onion salt, garlic salt, garlic, and a pinch of a smoked seasoning) and it was yummy... ate it with peas... i was concerned because i've been eating tuna and salmon all week and too much fish, especially canned fish, is definitely not a healthy diet do i was looking to balance the protein and was happy to find the chicken when i searched the cupboards for the third time... and the pasta was starting to call out...

i know canned meats and veggies is not the way to eat healthy, but it is working to drop weight and i will increase the fresh foods (and try to make time for cooking) as the changes continue... the primary focus right now is reducing daily calorie intake, reducing fat, carbs, salts, and sugars... that could be done a lot better without the canned food, but at least it is getting done pretty well... max loss is over seventeen pounds as of this morning, 22nd day, which is definitely results... scary good, even...

the next change to eating habits is necessary (and should have happened with this meal) which is eating less... i ate a lot less than what would be a typical meal for me before this month (up until the 7th), but i definitely felt the bloat start early on and continued eating anyway partly out of habit but more because i know i needed the calories and protein cuz it's been more than 24 hours since i last ate and even though i was not feeling hungry, the body needs food (don't need it to go into starvation mode and start storing fat instead of burning it) and there was a total of 500 calories in the meal so i pushed extra in but next time, half the amount, stop when the bloat begins (yes, my mantra must be stop at first bloat from this point on, definitely) and save the rest for a next meal...

and i must change that mindset, wherever it comes from (the taste buds have heavy influence, the emo food addition too, and the old starving children in china {or africa or wherever) ploy adults drilling into kids probably plays a role even though i am a natural rebel and non-conformist cuz i care beyond control deep down, and other influences, certainly, for later analysis), that i must finish everything on my plate...

smaller plates, save for next time, and focus on the belly and bloat reflex much much more than the taste buds, that's what i've gotta do better... but at least i am eating a whole lot less fat and carbs and less salt and overall, way over on the healthier extreme... balance will come when the excess weight is gone... and after real exercise starts...

continue...

summing up so far

today is the 19th day since i impulsively and largely subconsciously decided it was time to stop indulging the food junkie and drop weight i've slowly been piling on for more than a year... no coincidence i had reached my max weight of 220 (every time i get there, the discomfort overwhelmes anything else like the food junkie or the emotional eater or any other aspect of my personality and i either stagnate there or bounce off a wall and drop weight... i seemed to have done both this time)... i will guage what the peak weight was after my doctor visits (oh how i love modern medicine, aye?) but it was over 220 on the crap house scale... 220.8, actually... that crap scale read 205.4 today... the actual weight is likely higher, but i will compare before and after the appointments to try to give the home scale a better value... anyway, weight is not just a number, it is distribution of body fat and how the body feels and the body feels better, though the distribution remains the biggers challenge as arms and legs ache because there is minimal fat on them to lose and the body fat lingers under the skin... the skin remains firm due to years of exercise and toning... the exercise started with 10 pound dumbbell curls and presses two days ago and the shoulders are sore and tight, but the aerobic and fat burning exercise has not started yet primarily due to high blood pressure (peaking at 215/110, which is why i am finally getting back to a doctor and will seriously consider medication)...

so there are the numbers and the facts and how i feel about the factors involves... day by day, i have the body on the road to improvement... if i survive, life will be good... if i don't i hope life will still be good, just without me in it... and if something comes next, may that be good too...

body thoughts consider the reality of no more body too, ya know? :)

remember exercise?

yeah, well, the stubborn fool who finally crossed the bridge to understand caring is a verb and actualization makes things real and diet alone will not bring the body back to optimal shape (whatever that is at this life stage, whatever that is), exercise, not overdone, is needed to burn the calories, increase muscle mass, and raise the metabolic rate so the taste buds can enjoy more calories without gaining weight... so the arms are a bit on the numb side because i just suddenly picked up ten pound weights and did two hundred curls and one hundred presses and after none of that sort of thing for many (as in many) months, the muscles are quite loaded with lactic acid at the moment and all i can say is let the rebuilding begin... there was a time i would do this with a hundred pounds, when a hundred push ups and a thousands sit ups were routine... whether i get back there again or not, i definitely need to increase the muscle mass and so on, so, hopefully this was the first of many nights of exercise and the routine will expand to other exercise and whatever happened to running 5ks, anyway?... meanwhile, if did get stricter about diet again, though not like the first week... will power is a fickle friend, coming and going like the wind... and philosophy...

yeah, i'll talk to the doctor and take it reasonably sensible slow... maybe it's time for another full stress test, echo cardiogram, and other such tests... pity i am going to spend this year's medical savings on band aids and ace bandages and the like as it's too late to schedule anything this year... but tomorrow is another year (well, almost), and i seem pretty dedicated to the change again... the body cheers... it would applaud, but the arms are kind of numb...

kidneys

this body carries a at least few pounds of water in my kidney sacs (water cysts or something like that inside my kidneys according to the urologist and nephrologist i went to almost a decade ago)... so a body abnormality or maybe i am part camel or perhaps it is an evolutionary advantage as the doctors of the past found no harm in them) that i'll likely have the doctors check out next year... i do retain water well, easily drinking a quart in an hour at anytime... i typically drink a gallon a day... and when i used to run, i could drop 10-15 pounds of water without any concern or cramping...

the kidneys also produce stones, both oxylate and uric acid stones, which is unique as typically kidneys produce one or the other and some doctors simply do not believe me... those doctors don't get to see proof as i don't return... it's been a couple of years since i passed any sort of noticeable stone, and at least a year since i passed any uric acid sediment (granular)... that is likely because i have not stressed the body by dropping weight... the stones and sediment always come when i drop weight... and the occasional kidney infections and/or urinary tract infections along with them... hopefully they won't return this time...

anyway, that's the brief history of the kidneys... for body thoughts, you know...

bodies change

bodies change over time and the teenage body that was 147 pounds once upon a time is probably not where i need to be or even twenty years ago when the body was 160... as a teen i was a long distance runner and biker burning off every calorie i took in... twenty years ago i moved and took a few years off from work and did nothing but relax, party, and exercise... the runner took over... but seriously, "For your height, a normal weight range would be from 129 to 174 pounds." is what the books say... I was below 1% body fat as a teenager at 147 and modern medical science suggests 129 pounds for 5'10"?... no wonder anorexia and other eating disorders are so prevalent in our culture... too much bad science, not enough common sense... so i will shoot for the 180s for now and see how i feel... and then, we shall see if the 170s are right for me at this stage of life... slowly, surely, and with some input from doctors... cuz bodies change and our expectations and challenges and limits must change with them...

meeting the challenge

that does mean overcoming the challenge... meeting the challenge can be quite challenging as the pull to give into what is behind the challenge is what makes the challenge so challenging and that is what one meets when meeting the challenge... so i ate meatballs and spaghetti for two consecutive days, with a butter-like spread, and the bloat is back (though the same amount of food i would have eaten in one day was spread over two, which is a clear sign of stomach shrinkage which is good)... ultimately i gained back some pounds, but have not destroyed the past two weeks of mostly strictness too much... overall, ten pounds down from the max and hopefully the next two weeks, another ten... or five, at least five... especially if i exercise... yeah, the body is babbling, what can i say... emotional hunger for comfort food won this weekend for a lot of reasons... as much as possible, i now dedicate myself to getting back on the strict track for the rest of this week... yeah, this week... in spite of the season of pigging out and the lobster at the chinese buffet calling my name, i will be the rebel at the table...

there's always hope, right?...

i hope :}

dietary choices (irreverently)

it's all about choices, everything, actually, choice and perspective make everything what it is, but specifically the reference i am aiming at in this moment is dietary choice... so tonight i ate a salad with salmon and ceasar dressing and some parm and herbs pita chips which is not sheer strictness but as it is the weekend, these choices made for a fair compromise... a chocolate coffee drink added compromise and the belly is full on a whole lot less than usual, indicating a shrinkage over the last two weeks... the good kind of shrinkage, the belly, in case your mind went somewhere else... since i am more than halfway there, i just might shoot for a 20 pound drop by the new year which would be a 20 pound drop in just over three weeks, 24 days, to be precise... hope i survive (smiling that carefree casual irreverence slightly crazy-looking smile some of you may recall)... ah, life is a short strange trip and may seem long, but it's so long really, ya know?...

and the body once again takes a deep breath and hangs on to the ride i give it... it is more fun that dying without excitement, challenge, and all the physical changes and stimulations, after all...

almost two weeks

so far so good for the second full week (almost) since the subconscious commitment to a change in health status and the results so far are a maximum loss 14 pounds and stable at 12 pounds for the last 24 hours... 12 pounds in just under 2 weeks is a pretty darn good considering that involved absolutely no exercise except the movement of working a mostly desk job (thought working 50-60 hours a week at it and being out of the house 14-15 hours a day monday through friday helped)... still, quite a feat for a mostly lazy bum lifestyle... and last night was a pig out at the all-you-can-eat chinese buffet and the night before was a semi-pig out on a yogurt and a can of tuna fish and a pack of stuffed grape leaves, so it's not at all a starvation diet, though it has included a few fasting days so far... anyway, that's what's happened to the body in the past two weeks... other than the wild sex orgies and orgasmic walks through dreamland, of course...

surely you are inspired to take better care of your body now, right? :)

another week

skipping the party food was a good thing, but this is the start again right now moment (not quite as all fired magically delicious as last week, but the craving for something other than the strict lean fish and veggies diet of the past week may have passed and hopefully another five pounds will drop off next week (max weight change was 10.1 pounds, but that sort of fluctuation is expected as a gallon of water weights 8 pounds and i drink at least a half gallon a day even in stay home sedentary days and more than a gallon a day on active days and two gallons a day, at least, during tournaments, so a ten pound weight change can easily happen after a five or ten kilometer run (in fact i once dropped 15 pounds after a marathon)... I should start weighing at the same time of day each day, but this newly renewed will power to actualize a dietary change is still not actually planned or organized... it's still just a choice each time i put something in my mouth and only today and tonight the choice was not lean fish or chicken and veggies... today was soup, not a lot of calories but a lot of sodium... and tonight was smoked salmon spread with cream cheese and crackers which is the first higher fat and carb meal all week... start again...

anyway, i would love to drop 5 pounds a week but more likely it will be about 3 pounds a week if i stay vigilant... hopefully exercise and health will be added to that focus this week...

what are you doing with and to your body these days?...

struggle

yes, the first few days of the change, cutting out the sugars and fats and caffeine (perhaps i should hold off on caffeine as it can be an appetite suppressant as well as a headache reducers which is very much needed when shifting from a sugar cycle to a fat burning cycle... so i slept and woke and worked and took tylenol and repeated the process and it is getting better now, the body is adjusting... it was a very challenging week so far, but the good news is the challenge is the pain and discomfort of adjusting to the internal changes abd not the emotional hunger or changing eating habits... is this the change this body needs to survive longer?... only observation over time time will answer that question...

but at least the news is good so far...

something happening here

what it is ain't exactly clear, either... but i skipped dinner tonight and i feel like i may have hot a wall... there is no particular reason, though subconsciously the history of this date, this week and next, may be a strong influence deep down (quite likely if i ponder or dig, but i'm doing nothing of the sort because i will just let it happen and not risk disturbing the change that may actually be happening)... yeah, so we shall see tomorrow...

something happening...

do i really want to die?

i live like i don't care if i live or die, but do i really want to die?... i don't think so and yet, here i am living a sedentary life eating more fats and sugars and salts and other stuff than is healthy and not doing any exercise at all (since softball season is on hiatus this month) and everything i think i know about living says this is not the way to prolong the life process in this body... it's a puzzling dichotomy, an living breathing physical oxymoron...

maybe i will start living better again tomorrow... or next month...

still i find reasons to smile :)

sigh...

fool

i do not exercise enough, enough being a minimum of daily for thirty minutes and better yet a minimum of an hour a day (more please, says so many body parts, including the brain) and i do not steam the body in the shower as much as i used to, enough being daily and i don't mean a quick cleansing shower which does happen at least daily, i mean a fifteen minute (or longer) hot as i can stand it shower followed by a five minute cold cool down shower... unfortunately, water is precious so i do not do the hour showers i did as a child, but the heat and cool is so vital to the body... dragging myself to the hot tub and pool seems too much trouble but even beyond the laziness, the privacy is the missing piece of that route... i miss my own hot tub and pool... and house, for that matter... regardless of the missing pieces and obstacles, i am doing this body and life a serious disservice by not exercising and steaming the body daily... like do i want to just die?...

fool i am these days...

for a while

i was doing so well for a while... i was remembering that while alive, it feels good to optimize the body and through physical exercise, mental processes could be maximized and overall peace and even euphoria was available for anyone... and being an enlightened buddha, the fitness simply enhances the pleasure and awareness of the experience we call life in these human bodies... sadly, the lazy blah period continues and that old black magic called aging just might start knocking on the door (who's delusional now lol lam)...

still playing softball regularly... hitting well, pitching great (ego aside, it's something i do better than most) and running ok, though slowing down as i slowly crept to a max life weight (about 40 pounds over where i would call my ideal weight) and allowing muscles to weaken, alas, working 60 plus hours a week and giving most of the rest of my time to others leaves little time for me, but ultimately it is making the choice to indulge my taste buds for physical and emotional pleasure more than any other choice available that has left me bloated and growing (wait for it....) old...

yeah, i said it... so what... hey, at least i am calling myself out here and that's got to count for something... i wonder how many strikes i have left in this life... shhhh, i'll remember that being this stupidly self-destructive on a food high is not as much fun as alternative highs... there's always hope (i hope)...

and how are you? :)

definitely not wise

while i am not visually obese (i am based on the warped bmi charts, but that's another story, or meaningless complaint, for that matter), i do eat to quell emotional distress and am thirty pounds over where i ought to be... though it i lost thirty pounds many people would wonder if i was ok because that is thinner than i've been in some time... if i lost ten pounds people would say i look good and the belly would be pretty flat... if i lost twenty pounds i'd be a whole lot bouncier (which might annoy others as i am too bouncy for some right now)... the reason for this is that the weight is pretty evenly distributed around the body, though not the limbs... i eat a lot of veggies and balance the diet well, but i binge on chocolate and other fatty foods like cheeses with pastas or ice creams now and then enough to gain five pounds in a single weekend, or day, even... this body stores fat well... lately i've been eating pasta almost every meal to cut back on expenses which doesn't help as the body no longer burns complex carbs like it did once upon a time (the story of a life in these physical bodies, aye?)...

seriously vigorous exercise used to be how i managed the binges and overall weight maintenance which is why i am not visually obese and the skin is not flabby (though it is flabbier than it's ever been these days... drum drum drum, beat that drum)... still, something must change if i do not want to age quickly over the next decade or few...

if we had room for an exercise machine in this place i'd have one, but... maybe on the porch... with a big fan... if i had the spare cash... so many obstacles and the space and cash is real, but the procrastination and laziness is definitely my choice... so hello again, body thoughts... hope i come back again soon...

and the body just looks up and grunts...

not forgotten, just ignored

so what else is knew?... or known, even... nothing new here, just the same old on again off again procrastination that most likely shaved a few decades or more of this life because, and this is a secret so don't tell, it was my turn to have one of those biblical thousand year lives and all i had to do was do what came naturally but nooooo, i wanted to try to fit in with the human race so i tried all the self-destructive games and here we are with decades left instead of centuries... yeah, i know, humans have the oddest delusions... bloat and belly, back again by popular demand (cuz the taste buds rulem, ya know?... and emotional eating is just so delicious...

what brings us back here is the 5K i just walked... 43:10 or so... i just didn't feel the heart to push to stay under 43... the pace was set by jackson and her foot, which is recovering from foot surgery, and her best time is just under 40 so she did great for her first 5K back after the surgery... we have a softball double header later so we are resting now... as for me, well, i have not been doing any exercise other than softball which, for cardio, is just a half dozen sixty foot sprints each game, if that many... not exactly pushing to improve conditioning, softball is more for fun and light exercise... though reflexes definitely get tested when a ball comes flying off a bat at the head (or body) at eighty to a hundred mph from 43 feet away... reaction time, that's the ticket...

i am not as amused as i might seem, though i am not fretting or beating myself up the way i might have in years past because life is a whole lot better with a healthy helping of acceptance... not if i can only reduce the complacency, procrastination, and other stupid human tricks... right, let's hope this next year is the big change back to optimization and last year is the last mostly dead year of this life... you remember the mostly dead, dontcha?...

snarky moods rock :)

thank goodness for softball

since i am not in any sort of routine exercise habit otherwise, thank goodness for softball... three games yesterday (sunday... two big wins and one close loss) and while the heat slowed me in the third game (three games in a row in 90 degree florida sunshine is challenging even with a gallon of fluids... ah, love the summer)... this week softball starts wednesday and thursday nights and there should be some practices on saturdays and i am determined to be more active and burn more calories, at least on those days... no word from the friday night league and getting back to two games on fridays would be great... but still, regular daily exercise is what is needed most... for weight loss... for fitness... for stamina... and for strength... so what's the hold up, fool?...

loneliness?... i used to love to run by myself, but then, there was also a hope of sharing this body within the motivation to continue running... the love of the runner's high was wonderful and enough some of the time, but the pleasure of sharing the body in optimal condition was wonderful too... so get back to the high and hope, right?...

apathy?... that's the short path to aging and death, ya know?... depression?... not so much, but there is a whole lot of it around me and i do absorb the energy fields and auras around me cuz i feel less alone when i connect like that (even if others are not aware of the connections cuz they are not aware of their energy fields or auras... and that brings us back to loneliness i suppose)...

break the cycle, even if it feels so lonesome i could die, aye?...

narf :}

a week-long softball tournament

should have been great exercise and a good opportunity to drop some weight, but the young team feasted on junk food most of the time and though the body still needs to nutrients in sports drinks, it does not burn the sugars in those drinks as well as it used to and the artificially sweetened ones are suspect from a health perspective so, i am not sure if i gained or lost after playing seven of the eight games...

and the weeks prior to the tournament were, well, as not noted here, only routinely active... some softball, though not as much as the rest of the year, and just foolish general laziness... time flies when you're stupid...

let's try to be healthier and more active this month, m'ok?...

surfing the landslide

that is how i feel when i realize how lazy and ultimately suicidal i become between walk/runs... that is also the review of the running apps, all half dozen or so i've tried... we can vent over numbers in a moment, for now, lament over me... well, lament with an asterisk since i did get out there again this morning (and i do continue to play softball, though only three times a week the last couple of weeks since the friday night season concluded)...

6 laps total time 34:36... lap times 5:30; 5:34; 5:44; 5:57; 6:11; 5:58... second best 6 lap time yet, would have been first best if i could have gotten lap 5 under 6 minutes... still a fairly steady pace... best times recorded for laps 2, 3, and 4 which is slight improvement... the tracking app andor phone screen did not work well so it is not useful for in-run time checks and it refused to stop when i pressed stop so the cummulative times recorded in the app are wrong again... but anyway, i got out there again and maintained a fair pace for where this body is at this moment, so ok...

meanwhile, the app says that the 6 laps was 9.26 miles... yes, 9.26 miles... so every other stat was ridiculous... like average miles per hours... 22.8, 19.1, 23.1, 16, 24.7, 21.2, 18.8, 17.4, and 7.5 mph for each of the supposed nine miles... laps times were over 20 mph as well... ridiculous... meaningless... just plain stupid... like an average pace of 3.48 mph... the map shows how inconsistent and inaccurate the gps becomes (perhaps because i run with the phone in my hand as my arm pumping varies), though i have not found a way to copy and paste the map...

whatever, continue...

not dead yet

and once again and naturally as butter melting in the sun, i feel foolishly stupid for waiting so long for another 6 lap sort of 5Kish speedish walkish thingee... ish... so i was able to achieve the second best overall time for the 6 laps, sort of, as i had what was probably a ten second lapse in mechanics and had to start the whole timer over about half way through the parking lot... but anyway, in spite of the humidity which was killer at 96% (temp about 77), it is relatively good to be not dead yet...

lap times... 5:24; 5:49; 6:00; 6:08; 6:01; 5:55... total time 35:19 (previous best 34:47)... no records set, just a fair steady pace and the second best overall time for the 6 laps... the rest of the info was quite annoyingly inaccurate, or at least random, as usual... this time 6 laps was 3.45 miles, apparently... everything else is just meaningless numbers and i am not in the mood to play with numbers, so that's the stats for this track... and i put the pasta in the fridge cuz i am not even the least bit hungry...

please continue again...

meanwhile, on the poop deck

for the none of you who actually want this sort of physical intimacy and if only for the record and posterity and the doctors who might study the human condition one day even as an anthropological reference, i announce quite unabashedly (sort of) that the ever so brief rectal bleeding (one bright red surface splotch upon the first wipe, tiny dot on the next) that sometimes accompanies what i take to be a hemorrhoid reappeared tonight which is likely due to a lack of balance in diet (pasta, canned and fresh, cheeses, salts, chicken, cakes, and snacks mostly in the past week with minimal exercise, lower water intake (more soda), and potatoes with almost no veggies other than a few peas and mushrooms) combined with general apathy, an emo-bummer, and increase in sitting... i also just scratched myself accidentally on the shin while tying my sneakers in preparation to step out for a walk, which is an extremely rare event (the scratching... the walks have only become rare as opposed to extremely, for the record and all)... the regularity of activity on the poop deck has slipped a bit as well and the poops themselves have been harder and thicker... hey, somebody's got to monitor the body and this is the place it's done, so for anyone unpleasantly surprised by this information (you probably do not want to check out the daily poop... lucky for you i did not link it here, aye?), why did you read it all then?...

meanwhile, after wiping the blood off the shin and applying a bit of triple antibiotic ointment, while more pasta (comfort food) heats up in the microwave, time for a walk...

narf :}

not dead, just stupid

yes, well, we'd like to be more positive than this title suggests, but hey, being not dead is positive in it's own way... layers, levels, nuances, and noticing them, acknowledging them, and embracing them... that's the secret to a happy life, after all... still i am playing softball a lot (though still not as much as i'd like), so i am not totally sedentary, but since i am not working i am more sedentary than is wise... the stupid comes in there, as i am not heading out for a daily run (or jog or speed walk or walk or whatever)... so this entry simply reminds me... if i was a more normal human, it might shame or embarrass me into not being so stupid, but being me, it's not working that way... maybe it'll be an inspiration of some sort tomorrow... today there is another social event, an all-day housewarming party... apparently i have too much inactive social life in this life and not enough active social life (no daily activity partner)... so i must do it by myself as i used to (most of this life)... create motivation, aye?...

the body is not liking this lack of enthusiasm...

that's why we're here, aye?...

learning, always

the cheap sneakers are dangerous for several reasons... poor traction on wet surfaces, especially changing surfaces (my lap has grass, sand, and broken often obstructed sidewalk)... poor support and stability, especially with my current leg strength and aging muscles and bones)... probably more, but the bottom line is the $10 sneakers i wear in the rain are not not not safe for speed walking, jogging, or especially running...

meanwhile, another 6 laps when i had to push myself out there in an intermittent drizzle with storm clouds threatening and wind and heat and humidity... temp 83 degrees, humidity 88%, dew point 82 at start... temp 78 degrees, humid 93%, dew point 77 at finish... yeah, so the weather is what it is... continue...

6 laps, 34:47 total time, lap times: 4:49, 5:58, 5:48, 6:03, 6:12, 5:54 (and that is all that matters, really)...

the rest of the inconsistent numbers are 3.05 total miles (same 6 laps was measured 3.67 total miles on a slower pace) 5.3 mph avg pace, 11:24 min/mi avg mile, 7.54mph max speed, 474 kcal burned... lap speeds 5.9, 5.2, 5.3, 5.0, 4.9, and 5.4... whatever, why even bother with kilometers...

the good news is a new best time for the 6 laps and a new best time for an individual lap... yes, so continue, dangit!...

more softball practice

i can get more exercise during practices than during games, but i must do it myself because there are no pitcher specific workouts (other than throwing batting practice and i don't do much of that cuz they have two new pitchers they want to work in for the softball world series they plan on going to in august)... i was wired today (even before someone gave me mocha coffee) and bounced around all session (without water, go figure... must not have been as hot but the sun was out more... just better hydrated before hand... feel really good)...

still, i want more... the body wants more... so, continue... more :)

one more time

start again... or can we start again please... or anything that might get the workouts back to a daily activity, right?... yup, well, 6 laps... 36:37 total time... 4:55, 7:02, 6:34, 6:36, 5:46, 5:40 lap times... and the rest of the stats, well, relatively meaningless but i like numbers so whatever motivates me to get this body out there, right?...

today the tracker software says... 3.55 miles (for the same six laps, i know, it said 3.07 miles last time)... 5.8 mph (for the same 36:xx minutes, i know)... 10:20 average mile pace (yeah, i know, as unreliable as the rest)... as long as distance is not accurate, nothing else but the uncalculated times can be... max speed 9.8mph (this is closer to accurate as i did jog the first lap and picked up the jog a couple of times in other laps)... 557 kcalories (who knows, aye?)... and now, on the the laps (times above)... lap speeds (as unreliable as they are)... 5.9, 4.7, 5.9, 5.2, 6.4, 7.0... so somehow the speed for the fifth lap was much slower than the speed for the sixth lap when the times were virtually the same and the speed for the first lap when the time was dramatically faster was slower than either the fifth or the sixth laps according to the software... right... it has become painfully obviously that the laws of physics do not apply to me lol...

anyway, for my amusement and motivation and whatever it is worth to you... the calculated mile times were 11:25, 10:29, 10:12, and 4:35 for the final .55 mile (remembering last time we just reached 3.07 miles for the same six laps)... meanwhile (light bulb overhead), the discrepancy in distance shows the fatal flaw in this software... for each lap (in miles) it recorded: .49, .54, .65, .58, .61, .67... so how does this software measure the same lap with such drastic inaccuracy?... i am sure the manufacturer would have some pseudo-scientific response, but as they say on sports center, come on man...

so we live with what we've got and the bottom line is the lap times and the overall time and the physical assessment by my own senses and feeling is what matters when comparing progress...

kilometers, aye?... 5.72 km... 9l3 km/h... 6:25 mim/km... 15.7 max km/h... and the laps... 9.6, 7.6, 9.4, 8.4, 10.2, 11.2... and per km... 6:34, 6:42, 7:04, 6:45, 5:58 and 3.37 for the final .72 km... and the distance discrepancy for each lap in kilometers, as expected, is very similar to miles... .79, .89, 1.04, .93, .98, and 1.09...

still, it turns me on to know and feel that i've gone out and done this pleasurably painful madness once again... not dead yet...

continue...

yeah, i know

i know i am slacking... i know i am not doing what is best for the body (at least i think i know that)... i know i am wanting something for a longer term but wanting something in the moment that is overriding the long term want... that is, the taste and lust for food in the moment is undermining and preventing the weight loss and stamina increase i would like for the longer term... but it's more the laziness... the mindset that simple accepts it's ok to not put on sneakers and get out at least once a day to jog/walk... that is the mindset i must conquer (as i have in past phases of this life when the love of the hormones released during running and the sense of health and well being was more important and attractive than the laziness and depressed demeanor of the couch potato)...

over and over again, huh?... sucks to be in that loop... note i did not say sucks to be me...

yeah, continue, even if it's just an exercise of words, continue...

sigh :}

softball practice can count as exercise

three hours of serious heat and humidity and the body touched the red line in the last fifteen minutes even with two full liters of water (yes, more water and some electrolytes next time prior to and during these practices during the day of summer)... it felt wonderful... i realized how much i missed these long practices pushing the limits and even though i did not do nearly as much as i wanted to (i did pitch at least 250 pitches and played first base a bit and swung the bat maybe 15 times, but because of the arm i did not throw the ball much and did not get any infield practice... the coach does not do any pitcher-specific practice, alas... still, even though i am slacking on the speed walks and jogging and softball is getting rained out too much, this was a good workout...

not cooperating

i am not cooperation and neither is jackson... when you live with someone and eat meals together sometimes, dietary restraints can go out the window... and if i really want to drop the weight i say i'd like to drop this month, i really need to stop pigging out on what she cooks... i can eat less of it... and i don't need to open bags of chips and snacks... thing is, i am trying to save money and when faced with that challenge, keeping the house full of salad stuff and healthy foods is not saving money... it's a conundrum i must rectify... of course getting back to daily exercise would be even more important than dietary choices... at least i am sleeping well lately... mostly... just sleeping my night shift... so why not head out right now?...

ummmm...

must continue

same 6 laps, 4.95 km... ridiculously less than the 5.67km for the last 6 laps... again, the first mile threw everything off as i did it just over 5 minutes... the runkeeper app has me 12:53, 13:18, and just 2.74 miles total... the sports tracker app has me 35:37 for the 6 laps... i had it set to kilometers so i don't know how that affected the gps measure, but it is definitely a lot shorter than any previous walk/jog... and this one was a walk/jog... the obstacle is stamina, lung process... and weight, must drop weight to increase stamina and pace for jogging... and i had my new balance walking shoes on instead of the asix running shoes, which made a difference in weight with each step... the heat doesn't help, but it's primarily building stamina and dropping weight.... anyway, let's go back to miles first for comparison...

6 laps... 35:37 total time... 3.07 miles... 11:35 mile pace... 8.7mph max speed... 472kcal... and laps... 5:14, 5:48, 6:06, 6:11, 6:02... i did press lap after the first lap, so the lap speeds are 5.2 (first twwo laps) 5.4, 5.0, 5.0, 5.3... of course those stats make no sense... for mile times it recorded 11:37, 11:34, and 11:39... very different than the other app... and for metrics... 4.95km... 8.3km/h, 7:12min/km, 14.0km/h max, 472kcal... for km/h per lap it recorded 8.4 (first two laps), 8.7, 8.0, 8.1, and 8.5... hot and humid... 87 degrees, 68% humidity, though it feels a lot more humid with heavy dark overcast right around here...

it makes no sense that last time it measured the 6 laps as 5.65km and this time it measured the same 6 laps as 4.95km... i beat the previous time by 9 seconds for a new best time, but of course the other stats are skewed so it was not the fastest pace according to the app... the primary difference was that i did the first two laps a lot faster than usual, especially the first lap... the foot and arm feel better after exercise, though the left neck has acted up today for the first time in a couple of weeks... weight and lack of daily exercise, perhaps...

the bottom line is no more 9 day layoffs, dammit...

almost slid back

but not... and not sliding back is a good thing... phew too... broke the 6 minute average lap barrier... and tested the other run tracking apps too... one is gone, the other almost gone, so i am sticking with the one already in use... i forgot to drink water today (how do you forget to drink water?... you ask)... well, i just forgot... that could have been not so good for the kidneys and still might be not so good for the kidneys but we shall hope for the best and i guzzled a liter of water after cooling down and will drink another liter soon and another later and another before sleep... sure, i'll wake up after a 4 hour sleep cycle to empty my bladder, but must not neglect the kidneys after all...

let's take a look at the numbers... total time: 35:48 yay... total distance 3.31 miles... avg speed: 5.9mph, avg pace: 10:11 min/mi, max speed 35.5 mph (oh really? lol), and the lap times: 6:08, 6:00, 5:56, 6:04, 5:56, 5:37... dang, just missed the 5:33 record i set yesterday... lap speeds: 9.7 (huh?), 5.0, 5.0, 5.1, 5.0, 5.3... kilometers... 5.65 km total distance... 9.5 km/h speed, 6:20 min/km pace, 57.1 km/h max speed (cheetah! lol)... and per kilometer: 1:59 (yeah, right), 7:04, 7:17, 7:25, 7:21... speeds: 30.1 (uh-huh), 8.5, 8.2, 7.9, 8.1, with an 8.7 last .65 km finish...

alas, that first lap error is even worse today... maybe cuz there is severe weather and high wind?... with both apps, the first lap is quite skewed... must be a gps thing... the other software said i walked 5.67 miles, so distance and therein mph or km/h is quite skewed and relatively (if not completely) meaningless... but lap times and total time, that's a constant i can use for comparison to measure improvement and again, improvement today...

continue...

pushing more

i woke today not really feeling it and concerned about the back handling another 5K speed walk and yet, i stepped out there anyway and it was a tough go the first lap but i pushed and kept pushing and just missed reaching the sub 6 minute mark for average lap time... so the best overall 6 lap time yet came out of a morning i really did not feel it (it being the energy, the will, the confidence, the desire, the comfort, the drive, the stamina, the ... and whatever)... the back was tight after, but a hot shower and laying flat for ten minutes helped a bit... we hope the back feels better later in the day...

so 6 laps... 36:07 total time.. 3.27 miles (5.27 km)... 5.4 mph (8.7 kph)... 11:02 min/mi (6:51 min/km)... 21.9 mph (35.2 kph) max speed... 513 calories... laps: 6:15, 6:05, 6:01, 5:57, 6:14, 5:33... and lap speeds: 5.0, 5.6, 5.4, 5.8, 5.4, 5.3 m[h... in metric: 8.1, 9.1, 8.8, 9.3, 8.7, 8.6 kph... obviously the final lap speed is not accurate since it was the fastest lap time by almost 30 seconds... very questionable stats... mile times: 11:06, 10:35, 11:28... mile speeds: 5.4, 5.7, 5.2 with a 5.6 kick for .27 miles... kilometer times: 7:19, 6:24, 6:21, 6:59, 7:19... kilometer speeds: 8.2, 9.4, 9.4, 8.6, 8.2, with a 9.4 kick for the last .27 km... 83 degrees with 75% humidity... breathing 5-5 lap one, 4-4 laps two, three, and four, 3-3 laps five and six with a 3-2 final kick from the community entrance...

yesterday, walking the same 6 laps, the tracker app recorded 3.31 miles... that's a difference of distance of about 70 yards, more than two thirds the length of a football field... and does it calculate speed and the rest based on this?... definitely not consistent sessions to session, so all the stats must be taken with a major grain of salt... the final lap speed discrepancy shows this flaw provides inaccurate stats so why bother?... might be time to try another app...

still, continue...