Almost Struggling

I should have gone to bed and fallen asleep. I've been ready to sleep every day this week in the afternoon, sometimes earlier. I've been feeding the body caffeine. I am thinking in short bursts now, because the mind is tired and the body is way more tires and the sugar level is low because the challenge I am taking on is calorie reduction again after a few weeks of weight gain due to enjoying the high carb high fat foods I so dearly love. The food blog is due fr many updates, but for now, you'll just have to take my word for it.

Or not, as if anyone reads me anymore (surprise me, I'd love it, but I am so comfortable alone I might as well be comfortably numb and laughing at everything and loving every minute of it as long as I don't look outside my mind cuz the world is a sick place these days and people are the disease, but that's another struggle I am almost struggling with and if you don't see the laughter in my word play then you really don't know me, but that's ok, you don't have to, there's no law or anything).

What kind of body blog is this, anyway?

Commit to the change, now.

Phew.

Not Your Fault

I ean, I was keeping in touch and could say nobody cared so I stopped coming here (or anywhere) because, like, what's the point?... but it's not you. Leave it at that before I change my mind lol?). So I told myself I would go liquid tonight after letting the weight rise back to 190 (191 at the doctor's office fully clothed) and pigging out yet another weekend, but the two boxes of cookies and chips sitting next to me and the leftover pasta and cheese spreads in the fridge, well, maybe tomorrow. I really must go low-calorie liquid very soon.

After many weeks of no blood, no pain, no itching, etcetera, the tear is back. It took three or four actual real poops this time, alas, and I let it happen, naturally, but it's not nearly even close to as painful as it's been in the past (the menthol anesthetic effect or the healing? Maybe both). Anyway, this is what brings me back here I guess, for where else should I chastise myself about eating habits and lack of daily exercise and weight gain and all the other self-destructive suicidal physical madness I do?

It's your fault. I mean,just because nobody cares, or so it seems (and feels) in day to day life, why should that influence how much I care about my life choices? Really now, how important do you think you are?

Laughter heals. Hope it's good for you too. If not, may you find your own way.

Early morning explosion of words, almost, look around, aye?

and narf :)

Remedies

Ok, so this time I am not ignoring the issue in the tissue so I don't explode on the commode. I see why Elvis and some others die there. I kept the body on a liquid diet Thursday through today. Dropped weight, cleased intestines, healing asshole. I believe I finally have a dietary and medical regemin that will work (as opposed to the years of doctors not having a solution). Yay for being less self-destructive. Bits of the regime are in other daily blogs, but essentially I am giving my digestive tract very little to do so it excretes very little and therein allows the hemorrhoids to heal.

I also sat less this weekend, though more than I intended because I had ratings to do outdoors at the softball field and I wanted to get some typing in. Laying dowm for too long has it's issues too. The kidneys are not happy and I just maintain some balance for them. The right one especially. Sleeping on my right side leaves me not feeling good with kidney-back pains for a couple of hours the next day, but sleeping on my left side only is not comfortable.

The food monster is sad and lonely and missing food, especially chocolate, pizza, cheese, and a few other things, but I went way overboard. Proportions (in portions) and moderation (in calories), that is what I must do.

It helped that I resolved some environmental frustrations in the living space.

Solutions, find them and do them.

Continue returning to health.

Alone, alas, as usual.

Still, do it.

Narf. :)

My Asshole is Calling Me an Asshole

The daily blog might gross the weak out tonight, so be warned, beware, and be prepared. I actually tore myself a new asshole today. I stayed home from work until mid-afternoon because it took all morning to pass the poop. No poop for two days, I should ave known. I set myself up for serious pain. Even with four or five suppositories and finger manipulation there was lots of blood. I hope I am not in for weeks (months?) of serious pain and all that comes with the bleeding and swelling and skin issues. The medication regime I finally figured out (partially by accident and without any professional medical help at all, thanks docs) has been working great for months, but I tore up all the healing I did this morning. Kinda numb now, and no appetite. I reaffirm that I will not be eating tonight and I will have only liquids for at least a few days, maybe until I have a painless poop, which might be weeks. Be optimistic.

I need a standing desk.

Stop laughing, it's only funny if you love me. Feel free to laugh with me if you do. Wouldn't mind you letting me know, I mean, the worst may be over for now and I sure could use a hug and some love. I bought $40 worth of digestive system medications. Crossed the line and bought lidocaine. I will mix a dab into the calmoseptine and see what happens. I refilled the stock of laxatives and hemerrhoid suppositories. I haven't used one of those much in the past couple of months since figuring out the laxative/creme/ointment treatment. They (the rhoids) expanded considerably in the last few weeks due to diet, lack of exercise, and sitting way too much (so why am I sitting now?), though the calmo and massage has helped reduce them. Until today. The food monster took over and the body pain the price.

This entry is, I hope, the start of taking body health more seriously again.

In case it matters.

Still Floundering, Without the Flounder

There's flounder in the freezer, but I've been eating pizza and White Castles and lasagna and all sorts of other high calorie foods late at night. Days are protein drinks, but I've been caving in at night and on weekends. Stopping tomorrow would be a wise thing to do. March must be a low low calorie month, no other sensible move. Maybe writing this will help. Hey, I'm still wearing the 34 waist pants and I'm comfortable in large T-shirts without stretching them out. Probably around 190 pounds. Ish. Drop ten pounds in March, at least. Fifteen? Twenty? Ok, ok, fifteen if I can, but at least ten. Under 180 again. We can do this! Stop the self-destructive eating and get back to the gym (or buy the damned elliptical already).

Please?

Not Really Here

Obviously, I stopped begging myself to stop bloating and I stopped getting on the scales and I stopped going to the gym and I stopped being smart and healthy, but I am still wearing the 34 inch waist pants and still need a belt to keep them up, so it can't be too bad. Maybe. I am just noting the current not-here status of the body, m'ok? Maybe cuz the rhoids and itching kicked up again this weekend. Get it together kid, you don't want to die, right?

Yeah, but pizza, bacon, chocolate mousse, and ice cream... so good.

Bloat and Slight Gains

Maintaining the 34 inch waist, though the diet bring more gas and bloat. Laxatives and Whey Protein shakes will do that. Also the fat-free dairy products. Exercise helps push the gas through, but no gym this week doesn't help reduce the bloat. Being stinky might not be so appealing to the new roommate, but I sense it won't be an issue as it's a big house and he appears to be a very easy going guy who very much needs the income and wants someone safe around the kids. Some softball tomorrow, a charity tournament, so some exercise if it doesn't rain.

Still, I must get to the gym more.

Duly noted.

So Much Gas

The combination of laxative pills (two kinds, I'll be more specific another time), magnesium citrate, mineral oil, vitamins, the diuretic, perhaps the lisinopril, and the carbs certainly produces a who lot of gas. I wonder if it will be an issue for the new roommate or his kids. I'm supposed to get half the house, but with their bedrooms less than two feet from my bathroom and my bedroom less than two feet from the from door, well, we shall see. I learned that cutting back on the laxative regime will lead to a recurrence of bleeding, especially if I eat solid foods. Anyway, it was a pig-out weekend with a gourmet dinner in the middle of it and seriously sugar-filled carb desserts right up to the writing of this entry, so I will hopefully return to the weight reduction choices for the rest of the week and get to the gym at least a couple of times. Sleep would be wise too.

I must move my boxes from storage and pack up and move my stuff from here into the new place over the next two weeks. Exercise is good. Sleep is necessary. Talk me into it, aye?

G'nite, sweet princess, wherever you are.

Sleepless Stress

In spite of very poor and very limited sleep this week that lead to emo eating and poor-me blues and then, the bleeding started. Hard poop. The next day, chocolate, cookies, carbs, foolish. More bleeding. Not as much pain, yet. Then, tonight, the gym. The elliptical. 60 minutes, 7.17 miles, 128 pulse with the pulsometer. I don't think the elliptical pulse readings were accurate yesterday. Or the pulsometer isn't. I lean toward the pulseometer. The outer quads ached afterward. Protein helped. Orally I upped the laxatives, stimulants, Magnesium Citrate, and I added Mineral Oil. Topically I loaded up with the two meds that worked before. Gonna have to poop again, the cycle of pain, I wonder how bad it will get this time. And how long it will last. Hopefully this...

I fell asleep after "this, whatever it was.

Again (please)

Maybe if I am polite it'l work better. I do like to please. So Friday night I did two 30 minute sessions on the elliptical at level one. 3.39 miles for the first and 3.66 miles recorded for the second. I took a fifteen minute break between the sessions. Tonight I did 60 minutes straight with the first 30 minutes on level 2 and second 30 minutes on level 1 and 7.45 miles recorded. So second workout in three days and this one faster, longer, stronger. I followed the 60 minute session immediately with 15 minutes of cool down at about 4 mph. Breathing fine and could have pushed harder but was near enough a safe limit to feel great about it. Pulse was over 150 by the 10th minute and over 160 by the 20th minute and over 170 for the last 10 minutes. For as accurately as I could estimate based on the qonky elliptical machine pulsometer. I must remember to bring my own. Now I just need to do this a few times a week. Please.

M'ok? :)

Recommit (please)

Yes, I ask myself to recommit tonight because it is a choice and I hope I make the right choice. A pig-out day at work was stupid. Somehow I motivated myself to head back to work and get on the elliptical after getting back here from work after 7PM. Then I got serious. 30 minutes on the elliptical, the first five challenging, the second five challenging, challenging all the way to the 30th minute. The layoff showed. Still, 30 minutes and 3.39 miles. Working through stupidity (and grief, but that's another deeper story).

I stopped because I didn't bring water. I thought a bit. I played a phone game. I listened to the TV. I walked over to my office and put four 20 ounce waters in a bag and went back to the gym. I emptied the bowels and bladder and got back on the elliptical. 30 more minutes. 3.66 miles. The energy was juiced, but still challenging. Th best news is the stamina was excellent (compared to now, not compared to where I've been in this life. There was no heaving, no heavy breathing to catch my breath afterward. No cramping or muscle pain at all, anywhere (not even the neck) and the body was chilled as it is 58 degrees outside and 63 degrees in here when I got back and the hot water was just warm, so no warm up in the shower.

There was this soft almost euphoria and sense of stupidity. The stupidity was realizing how many days and evenings I made excuses not to go to the gym. Worked too many hours (I worked 12 today). Not enough sleep (I maybe not 6 hours last night). Too many days of low-cal in a row (I had less than 500 calories Sunday through Wednesday and Maybe 1200 calories on Thursday and then at least 3000 calories today). Temperature (air and water, see above). Excuses, bullshit excuses.

Every time I do this I face the stupidity of the avoidance of the gym and recommit to not empower the fears, laziness, procrastination, self-pity, self-destructive behaviors and the stupid thoughts that lead me to the decision not to exercise. It is so wrong. Such a wrong choice. So stupid.

Recommit.

Please.

Resetting the Set Weight

Obviously, things change. So I feel bloated and uncomfortable now at 180 when there was a time when 220 was my discomfort weight. With all the griping I've done in the past week about feeling bloated and needing to cut calories and being in the mid-180s, the house scale (lowest of the scales I use) read 174.8 this morning. That would be less than 180 n any of the scales I use as they are not more than 3 pounds apart. So I obviously need to adjust my set weight and realize I do need to be under 170 to be comfortable (at least until I add more muscle, if I add more muscle). This is good news in many ways, except the pants I really like are no longer available in 34 and I may need 32 waist more permanently soon. 30? I doubt it, but who knows if I start actually exercising daily again. Anyway, I just wanted to set the record straight on the weight since I fooled myself for the past week. I will continue the low-calorie daily intake until the weekend though and see how close to 170 I can get. Feeling good, though stressed about several life challenges (propane heater, moving, the usual loneliness, and probably more you can find elsewhere in other daily and other blogs).

This is good.

Pushing the Limits of Sleeplessness

It's actually well past 4 AM (wide awake, in case it matters and you understand) and the eyes are blurry and the body is stressing and I really should be sleeping but the mind will not go quietly into the night these days. I did not get to the gym because I did not have a change of clothes or proper footwear (lame excuse, of course, but they always are). I did keep calories under 1000 for the past 24 hours once again, which makes three days now. Tomorrow I am hoping to get out of the office and do some walking. Push, rest, push, rest, must return to that cycle and do it right. Say it again, it matters. Where are you?

Restart

Yesterday and today were calorie cut back days. The belly bloat must go. Even though I am still wearing the 34 inch pants, I don't like being in the 180s now. I'll wear 34 inch pants with a belt if I can't find 32 inch pants when I drop to 170. The body and mind are together on this desire now. So hope is strong that I will do it in spite of the holiday season. And exercise, I must kick daily exercise into gear. I did not sleep last night, so softball is all I am going to do, but they don't let me run (in spite of my showing them I can) so even on softball nights I must get to the gym. An elliptical investment in the new place, perhaps. Tonight, however, I will not push on no sleep at all and two large coffees during the day. Still wired after softball. Play the phone game, start nodding off, get sleep tonight. Tomorrow, continue low-calorie week (except for if Jackson calls for lunch for one meal as she might) and gym please.

Restart.

Laxiness

It's a laziness mixed with a lackadaisical whimsy (and love of food) mixed with laxatives and a whole lot of personal living space discomforts that kept me from the gym or any activity recently and put the wight back into the mid-180s, at least (though the 34 waste pants still need a belt), so I note that here with the hope that I will change that tomorrow. It's well after midnight and I am not sleeping too. Stress from many sides is not helping. Moving soon, which should help change the discomforts (change them, though they will still be there). Still, somehow, there is joy inside. I'm kinda sorta crazy like that. Even alone.

Lighten Up

Yes, the dietary plan is lighten up to give the digestive tract an opportunity to heal again. It can't be good to have feces mix with the blood stream every day. The challenges, positive (moving, new roommate, new people, new cleaner space, more space) and not so positive (moving, unknown new roommates, kids, cramped bedroom and bathroom space, lack of privacy, moving expenses, double rent expenses, new tires expenses, holiday expenses {financial stressors suck and were never much mind for me until age and lack of retirement possibilities hit me in the face like a ton of bricks}, continued loneliness, laziness, procrastination, self-pity, depression, stupidity, and the horrible state of humanity, just to mention a few not so positives), have the body stress levels high and did I mention the effect (or affect) of lack of exercise or de-stressing activities and let's not forget (how can I?) the recurrence of the digestive bleeding and pain with every bowel movement.

So how was your day?

Narf :)

The Bleeding Returns

Why not make t the headline, it is the dominant feature of the day so far and I really do need to keep track of it, so I even mentioned it in the daily blog. This blog is probably better for the sensitivities of humanity who are fond of fart jokes but not fond of digestive illnesses, so the details will go here. This body has it's challenges in spite of feeling energetic, youthful, and wonderful most of the time.

I did not use any ointment or jelly or cream today and went to the bathroom and sure enough, the itching, which had subsided after increasing on and off for most of the week turned into pain as the skin tore off and the anus bled. Back to the full regime of two medications and petroleum jelly lube before defecating. Also, additional laxatives and lower calories, minimal for a few days and mostly liquid diet after tomorrow (one more holiday dinner to attend, a fried fish place, but I will do my best to go light).

I have pizza and cheese-loaded eggplant parmesan that I will need to re-freeze for now and hope for the best when it is re-cooked. I was hoping the cycle would not return when I ate some solid foods and slowed on the topical meds and laxatives, but it returned and I can only hope I can catch it before it flares into a multi-week (or longer) pain in the ass (alas, that is what it is) that makes defecating excruciatingly unwanted.

I also reduced exercise and put on a few pounds, so the body is teaching me to stop doing that. I am going to do my best to get an elliptical machine for the new place I will be moving into over the next 30 days. I must do my best to find the motivation to use the work gym more often. I must cut the calories again.

Doctors don't seem to be able to help. I must get back on the regime I figured out and hope the daily laxatives do not do too much long term damage and don't take too many years off this life.

So how are you? :}

Pigged-Out Weekend

Yes, so many calories. Tonight a pound of spaghetti, my way, finished the weekend. So much food I did not even record it all in the food blog. Still fitting into the 34 pants and just over 180 pounds and setting myself up for a fat holiday, so no more please. At least not until Thursday lol. Th itching is coming and going and responding to the treatment, so I must get more sleep, wash ore, put medication on more, sit less, and eat lighter. Still on the laxatives and probably will be a while longer.

Sleep.

Still 180

I finally remembered to add this entry, which means I am confident enough to bring this process into consciousness (welcome to the method to my madness) and perhaps even expound a bit. I've been maintaining 180 pounds for a while now and had to buy more belts and exchange the new 36 waist pants for 34 inch waist pant and those are starting to be too big as well. I can wear 32 inch waist pants now. I still want to get to 170, but the maintenance of 180 is important too. I'm running faster (they are not pinch running for me all the time anymore) and my stamina is improving (though I still need to get to the gym more often). The itch is back after a few weeks of no itch or pain and it seems likely it is due to increased carbs and increased sitting, dangit. I am in the process of medicating with the hope of preventing the itching from become painful and spiraling into the cycle of split fissures, bleeding, and hemorrhoids. Time will tell.

Good news, not good news, continue...

Allowing The Food In

Instead of continuing toward the 170 mark, I ate food today. That is, I ate today. No exercise. That's all.

The Never Ending Short Story

Not this one, cuz it stopped being short somewhere along the way. More likely the current brief daily blog, but be that as it may or may not be (should you care beyond here), I just returned from the gym. Sixty minutes on the elliptical which said I did 6.94 miles. 3.3 miles at the thirty minute mark. While I don't trust the accuracy and have not maintained the stats enough for comparisons, 588 calories. After a 5 minute cool down, 7.32 miles and 631 calories. Level 7 for the first 3 minutes, then level 2 until the 53 minute mark, then Level 1. 8 rpm for the last 3 minutes, 9 rpm for the last minute, peaking at 12 rpm for the final ten seconds. Continuously increasing speed to the last step and the best news is I worked all day, but still felt like I could play ball or even go another hour. Two hundred calories all day. No cramps, no wooziness, Twelve hours sleep last night brought me back to this. After 60 ounces of water, 179.6 on the digital and 181 on the beam balance. I weigh in at the primary doctor tomorrow and hope for under 180 on her beam balance scale with cloths on. There's always hope :)

It matters to me.

After A Pause

No applause. Grins, though. Acceptance does that, no matter how bad it gets. A few days of cutting back calories lead to accepting an invitation to a friend's place where he insists on trying to make one feel guilty, uncooperative, and difficult to please just because I want fewer calories than he is serving and I don't want him serving portions to my plate. Portion control is even more important than what you eat, but he takes my choices to lose weight as a personal affront and whines to everyone about how difficult I am to serve. So I ate more calories than I had all week, but I was 174.6 before I left so whatever. More of the same at another friend tomorrow, then a few days of near fast and I may be back under 175. Find more in the food blog, which has almost become a weight loss blog, which is so boringly un-foodie lol.

I have not been getting to the gym.

Boo me.

Bloat and Fatigue

Not sleeping enough this week so not exercising enough and eating too much, all the old habits that are not good for the body. I just wanted to note that here so it might not get unnoticed by me in the physical reality for too long. Tomorrow is another day. Sleep tonight. Exercise more. Do the right thing.

Change.

Why No Gym Sunday?

The push must push harder, dangit! I caved into food tonight. I had no bowel movement today or yesterday (maybe not Saturday or Sunday?) likely because I was cutting back on calories and going to the gym and the body was squeezing every calorie it could out of the food, but that was concerning and may have contributed to my cave-in (see food link above). Still hungry. Some emotional hunger must be thrown in, but I made the mistake of buying pizza and the pepperoni and cheese and bread screamed for my mouth. Eb cooking bacon at 10 PM didn't help. Still hungry. I was a sleep in the chair at 8PM and rolled into bed and the sleep ran away. World Series, bacon in the air, I caved (did I mention I caved?). I shall start again, soon, I hope. I may need to finish the pizzas cuz I am craving another right now. I have to learn to cook them just right, after all.

The gym for just over a half hour after work is the good news. Elliptical for the entire time, approximately 6.5 mph. If only 6.5 mph n the elliptical was 6.5 mph on the road, or even the treadmill. Alas, I am so very out of shape. I was not into it today, was in work shoes, but I did get there. I didn't record anything except a 77 pulse five minutes after stopping. That's actually very good, but I still feel in terrible shape. The heart apparently still remembers the positive effects (or are they affects?) of marathons and long distance workouts. I miss those on so many levels. Someday, I hoe to feel the twenty fifth mile feeling again. Or at least the fifteenth. Meanwhile, I doubt the muscles could run a mile in under 12 minutes today, maybe not under 15 (please don't let me find that out to be true).

Why are we not sleeping?

Narf.

(why am I laughing? lam)

Sigh.

Narf! :)

Pushing The Limits again

Minimal calories for several days, more pounds lost, and the fatigue felt after two softball games had me almost woozy tired after softball and last night's gym workout so that inspired me to do more food shopping (see the food blog). Weight is dropping as the digital scale here reached 174.8 this morning. It is typically a few pounds less than other scales as I noted, last night the digital scale at the gym hit 176.6 and the beam balance scale hit 179. I am not far from a weight that requires some closer monitoring to make sure muscle tissue is not damaged especially because the heart is a muscle and damage to that muscle can be irreparable. The body feels wonderful now after eating a semi-balanced balanced dinner (missing greens, but vitamins taken) consisting of a mini-pizza and a bowl of shrimp, cauliflower rice, onions, and assorted spices (again, food blog for details). So many blogs, so little time.

Is this that final push to be back into shape?

There's always hope :)

Back to The Gym

Good fatigue though as I spent two hours at the gym tonight. Yes Saturday night alone at the gym. I am glad I am lucky that my job offers a free gym. Anyway I did an hour on the elliptical at 6.41 mph which is the fastest I’ve done yet. Since today was another a low-calorie day, I felt the muscle fatigue. The stamina wasn’t bad. I suppose I have to push harder. After the elliptical, I played with the weights for a while. My arms are amazingly weak. The 10 pound dumbbells were all I would work with until I went to lower weights. Muscle tone and strength have diminished considerably with this large weight loss. I know I should’ve been working out while I was losing the weight, but nobody’s perfect, right? LOL

I peddled the exercise bike for a short while while I watch the rest of a couple of college football games. So just a protein shake yesterday, and a very low-calorie meal today, and the work out combined to leave me fatigued but feeling very good. The scale here said 176.8. The digital scale at the gym said 177.6. And the beam balance scale at the gym said 179. That’s the first time I got the beam balance scale under 180. I hope to keep it there. The meal was a bag of onions, a bag of cauliflower rice, and two pieces of flounder. The onions and the cauliflower were maybe 100 cal. So the meal was probably under 300 cal. That’s all for today except for a couple of protein shakes. So it’s a 500 cal day. Yesterday 100 calories. Sleep now, hopefully a new lowest weight tomorrow.

Stay the course, keep it up, continue...

Hanging On To Will Power

Challenging myself to remain firm to my commitment to drop back under 170 and just when I get back on that horse, I find my way back to zero will power. Tonight, a half dozen protein drinks filled my belly to it's rafters and all those calories will keep me at 180, at least. The size 36 waist pants are falling down without a belt, so the news isn't all bad. I am still hungry, so the news is not all good. I did get to the gym last week, but not this week. Weekends seem to be a roller coaster ride. Then again, weekdays too. Commitment is random.

So how are you?

Narf :)

Stalling Around 180

I may have crossed back over slightly, but not by much. What scale is accurate, anyway? I still have ten pounds to drop, at least, especially if I do not start rebuilding muscle. The point is I have stopped the weight loss and am lingering around 180. Medical professionals would tell me this is a good thing for the body, letting it adjust to a new set weight. The taste buds and hunger monster are not amused... or pleased, for that matter. Some days I eat more than others, but I am still not Italian buffet or can count the major calorie meals I've had in the past five months on the fingers of one hand. Still, enough calories to maintain and not lose. Impulse got me tonight. I was set to have the second day in a row of just protein shakes and yogurt and pow, without thinking, three 45 calorie nathan's franks topped with a bag of onions cooked as red onions my way on four slices of 40 calorie wheat bread. Seriously yummy, but completely unplanned. Start again tomorrow, maybe.

A few hours ago I was at the gym ready to exercise when I realized I forgot my ID so I couldn't get in. Closer to the workout I need to do every day, just not there yet. Habits are so challenging to change sometimes, especially when sleep is not consistent or abundant enough. The body is in a good place though. Not topical or inserted medications for more than a week, just laxatives to maintain a soft smoothe poop. Probably not the best thing to do on a permanent basis, but I'm taking a break from the doctors and keeping in close touch with the intake and output.

Compromise is not satisfying for long though...

Gym

Ok, so impulse took me to the gym. Part of the motivation was wanting to be under 180 when I get together with Jane tomorrow because she respects her body and is probably my primary motivator for keeping in shape (though time has shown I can ignore any motivation as I was over 200 pounds for quite some time). The broader motivation was seeing my arms wither and wanting to swing the bat with more power (softball) and overall feeling the weakness in my core and diminishing stamina as the years roll by. So...

10/6/18 11:00 PM. Pulse 61 O2 99%
2.61 miles 30 min Level 8 2nd st elliptical
Pulse over 130 O2 96%
1.51 miles 20 min Level 2nd st elliptical
Pulse over 120 O2 99%
After 15 min pulse 83 O2 98%

and then...

1.51 miles 20 min Level 2nd st elliptical
Pulse over 120 O2 99%
After 15 min Pulse 83 O2 98%
After 1 hour Pulse 68 O2 98%

I'm not dead yet. lol. Sigh :)

Continue...

Under 180

The scale stayed under 180 for three days now. Though it did not go below 179. Tomorrow is another party barbecue and it will be more challenging to resist after softball practice in the morning. The bowels have not moved all week. More likely due to the extremely low calories and liquid protein diet rather than issues in the bowels but I can’t be sure and I haven’t much confidence in the doctors. I will see the doctor as soon as I get back from the weeklong softball tournament that starts Monday.

I feel pretty good except for when I need to go to the bathroom. That probably is one reason I am so strict with food intake mostly liquid and very low calories. I do want to drop the weight but it is easier to resist food when I know Val movements are so painful. The body can easily afford to drop another 10 pounds I think especially since I’ve lost a lot of muscle over the last five years or so and I really do need to get back to the gym if I want to keep playing softball.

Reaching goals is a good thing and that’s what I’m doing. It will keep the labs down to where they need to be keep my health insurance free, and keep me off more meds. I just wish the doctors could get to the bottom of my bottom problem. LOL sort of. :-)

Life With Hemorrhoids

At the moment I am waiting for the magnesium citrate and water and stool softeners that I took when I got back here to start working. The suppositories I used, to be precise, one prescription suppository followed by a hemorrhoid suppository, are working really well and I am doing my best to lay here quietly still so they do not explode out of me prematurely before the magnesium citrate and stool softeners do that their thing. I can only imagine what the very extremely rare burgers and cheese and all that that is doing in my gut right now. There’s no pain or any discomfort there is some pressure because for the first time in at least a week is actually solid food in the gut. Still 179.4 pounds.

Shrinking or Exploding

I ate two extremely rare high-fat frozen burgers with three slices of extra cheese on each, eight or nine meatballs, and some broccoli and carrots. Four months away from this, mid to end of May through June through July through August. At the moment I am waiting for the magnesium citrate and water and stool softeners that I took when I got back here to start working. The suppositories I used, two glycerin suppository followed by a hemorrhoid suppositories, are working really well and I am doing my best to lay here quietly still so they do not explode out of me prematurely before the magnesium citrate and stool softener pills do that their thing. I can only imagine what the extremely rare burgers and cheese and all that other stuff is doing in my gut right now. There’s no pain or any discomfort there is some pressure because for the first time in at least a week is actually solid food in the gut. 179.4, still.

Keeping In Touch

The scale stayed under 180 for three days now. Though it did not go below 179. Tomorrow is another party barbecue and it will be more challenging to resist after softball practice in the morning. The bowels have not moved all week. More likely due to the extremely low calories and liquid protein diet rather than issues in the bowels but I can’t be sure and I haven’t much confidence in the doctors. I will see the doctor as soon as I get back from the weeklong softball tournament that starts Monday.

I feel pretty good except for when I need to go to the bathroom. That probably is one reason I am so strict with food intake mostly liquid and very low calories. I do want to drop the weight but it is easier to resist food when I know bowel movements are so painful. The body can easily afford to drop another 10 pounds, I think. More importantly, especially since I’ve lost a lot of muscle over the last five years or so, and I really do need to get back to the gym if I want to keep playing softball.

Reaching goals is a good thing and that’s what I’m doing. It will keep the labs down to where they need to be keep my health insurance free, and keep me off more meds. I just wish the doctors could get to the bottom of my bottom problem.

LOL sort of. :-)

Hey 180

I am not quite ready to leave the 180 mark behind, but the scale at the house read 179 this morning and the scale at the supermarket read 183 fully clothed in the afternoon so I am approaching the milestone of dropping under 180 for good (until and unless I get stupid again, which could be the death of me, but I will eat chocolate and frosting and pasta and pizza and cheeseburgers and ice cream and fudge and more again someday. In moderation, as they say, whoever they might be. The healing is not going as well as usual and next week could be a painful experience as I plan on eating real food most days as I play in a week long softball tournament out of town and will be staying in a room and sharing a bathroom with three or four other guys and chauffeuring at least one of them around all week. Not a whole lot of privacy to wipe my ass, to be blunt.

At the fields my only alternative may be filthy out-houses so I best travel with my wipes and ointments in my pocket as I wander around all day. Balancing magnesium citrate and stool softeners with real food and not too many calories will be a trip and I dearly hope I do not have to rush off the field. I best have wash clothes, foam soaps, sanitary pads, and chance of clothes ready as well. Diaper? I haven't gone there yet, but I am considering buying and bringing some. The title might as well be referring to age, not weight. What a drag it is getting on. A smelly drag at times. Will anyone stay awake with me?

Who's gonna love me when I'm old?

Yay, Ouch, Itch

With today and yesterday totaling 620 calories combined, the scale read 180.8. Tomorrow the scale might read in the 170s for the first time in years and I feel great, except for the nether regions which cry out with burning pain upon every bowl movement and itch like crazy from time to time. Balls itching, asshole burning, tired of not finding the remedy with any doctor. The balls itching is new and started in spite of starting baby powder. Tried and true remedies (baby powder was always my go-to) and doctor recommended remedies are simply not working. The maladies bounce from fissures to yeast infection to hemorrhoids to fungal infection to who knows what. Pain, itching, no medication is working and it's just gotten progressively worse over the last three years. Medical science sucks. It is definitely helping me lose weight as I dread another bowel movement this week.

So how are you?

Aversion Therapy

Tat is what my bowel movements have become. Just as there is a muscle group on the left side of my neck that demands better posture when I slough for too long or too much, there is now a muscle group, a bunch of cells, and who knows what else in my anal area that is demanding I eat better, lose weight, and possible give up the uninhibited freedom of choice my taste buds and mind has had all through the decades in this life. No more two pounds of pistachios or m&ms or half gallon of ice cream or twenty ounce steak or half pound double bacon triple cheese burgers or four to six slices of 18 inch pizza with extra cheese and assorted toppings or cookies dipped in icing or and real thick whipped cream ... what is this, the funeral for food blog?

Apparently that is why they call it an asshole.

Digestive Wonk

The digestive system is all sorts of wonky. Pasta and protein, even with salad and in moderation, just turned into a nightmare to pass and the exit is raw and sore again. I think I will keep solid food to a minimum again this week, which was the goal for weight loss anyway, but the pain is a wonderful incentive. I wonder what the week out of town at the softball tournament will be like. I wonder if I will have an leak or explosion on the field. A wonky digestive system really sucks. The regular food and weight gain was definitely not a good move, but I am back down in the mid to low 180s according to the very wonky house scale. I haven't been to the gym in a couple of weeks, another big mistake. The ab muscles are so weak, the flatness that used to come when I dropped below 190 is not there. The full blown hernia (if a double hernia is two sets of abs, what's it called when all the abs are blown out?... the doctor says nothing to worry about, but should I be doing sit ups, crunches, and other exercise with when the ridge of abs pops out a few inches every time I sit up?). Am I whining? lol. Sigh.

So anyway, sub-180 by next Monday, maybe. How are you?

Good Softball Workout

Last week was even more intense and I was social and ate eighteen wings and spent $29 for lunch and then ate dinner at dinner time here and I am trying to wrap my head around getting rededicated to seriously strict calorie reduction this week. I want to enjoy the splurge of restaurant food (won't always be my choice) next week for the six days I'll be gone, so this week, hard core. Getting to the gym would be a wise move. The bathroom is still not my friend as poops have gotten closer to normal in texture, but the pain continues. I didn't follow up on the doctors because they don't seem to be helping. I stopped the meds completely and returned to baby powder and we shall see how the body reacts. Life continues, alone.

In case it matters.

More Calories, Less Movement

Two full meals today, a lot more food in one day than mos, maybe the most in one day since the start of the calorie cutting in May. Most of the day was spent sitting in a meeting, so less exercise than most days. A large painful bowel movement after an evening nap. Itchies on the ankles and feet again. The water is not hot enough to help the feet either. I miss hot water so much. Bites or reaction to eating carbs this week? The itching scrotal sack is not as bad as it was earlier in the week, the new treatment is hH-suppository, zinc oxide ointment on the anus, and baby powder everywhere else.

Continue.

Back At The Foundry

Or something like that... The weight is fluctuating in the 180s this week, or is it longer. I am starting to have cravings again and doing less exercise because softball is paused and I am not motivating myself to get to the gym. Saturday and Sunday softball is still there, but no weekday exercise is not going to get me down under 180. The body has lost enough muscle from lack of serious workouts to still have a belly and bloat above 180 so the goal now is 175 and we shall see where we go from there. Under 180 before leaving for Tampa is another goal as I will likely eat a lot of calories during the week in Tampa.

I am missing pasta something seriously craving level. I might need to cave in and have some more than the little bits I've had, like Vegetarian Vegetable soup tonight. The sweet potatoes this week just did not do it. Yesterday was 420 calories of protein drinks. Today was 300 calories of protein drinks and a can of corn, 175 calories, and I think I may have two more 100 calorie protein drinks to satisfy hunger before I get to sleep tonight. The missing piece is exercise.

So keep repeating it.

Do it.

Still Moving

Definitely losing muscle as I still have some bloat as I approach 180. The scale read 181.6. The house scale, which sucks as it read 191.6 last night. I did drink a lot playing ball for 3 hours. Sprinting bases for the first half hour almost put me down. I had to recover in the shade for ten minutes before I could continue. I then played more than two hours without a hitch, so I learned to push to the limit and recover, necessary adjustments to continue playing ball mid-day in Florida in August. I felt great, tired great, but great.

I rested the rest of the day. Pooping was extremely painful and dark and loose and stinky like C.Diff poop. Publix Supermarkets pharmacy screwed me. They double charged me, changed the subscription the doctor ordered, and prevented the antibiotic regime ordered from running it's course. The emergency room and three doctors who would not listen to me when I told them I would get C.Diff again if they prescribed Keflex gave me the C.Diff by insisting I take Keflex again. Next the GI doctor is going to tell me I need a fecal transplant. Fuck the medical profession.

Meanwhile...

So Anyway...

So I am microwaving onions and peppers and garlic and spices and after about seventeen minutes I'll add shrimp and have a foolish middle of the night feast and probably need the potty tomorrow at an inopportune time when I was doing so well on the starvation diet. The PBD or the Painful Buttocks Diet, if you want to get technical. It was funnier this afternoon when the brain was awake and thinking more clearly about anagrams and words and stuff. It won't be that many calories, but going to sleep right after and only sleeping a few hours and having a stand-up exercise tomorrow and once again this is the body moaning about the lack of will power tonight. Hey, I could be chowing down pasta and pizza and all sorts of fats and oils and carbs and cheeses and more.

A few hundred calories Wednesday, a few hundred calories Thursday, it's Friday now and I'll start with a few hundred more calories. So anyway, anybody paying any attentton anyway?

Like whatever, right? :)

Cheap Scale

Yeah, so I was 185.7 in underwear this morning and I drank two protein drinks and a veggie drink for 300 calories and a couple of waters all day and I was 191.2 fully clothes when I got home from work and I was 185.5 when I stripped down to underwear, but if I shifted my weight I was 187, 188, and 189 and could probably find that 190 mark if I shifted more. So I really can't record that I am officially under 190 until I find an accurate and consistent scale. Even the two scales at the gym provide two different weights and the doctor's offices as well. Anyway, I have a 160 calorie protein drink next to me and that's all I'm going to have tonight, I hope. I simply must let myself fall asleep when sleep comes. That makes sense because tomorrow is another 5:30 AM wake up call. Not much exercise today, but gearing up for a bigger meal for the weekend and more exercise.

One day maybe I'll but an accurate scale.

Narf :)

Thoughts of Food

Breakfast was six slices of fat free turkey with a slice of cheese I’m not sure if the cheese was Velveeta or 2%. Two protein drinks, one 160 cal the other 100 cal finished off in the morning meal. This is what I planned to do yesterday but got sidetracked. I hoped to do this more often in the morning meal get morning exercise eat a lunch, get more exercise then get to the gym in the evening, and have very light meal after work. The last 10 to 15 pounds will be more challenging than the first 40. It is hard to believe I was almost to 230 lbs or more earlier this year. Dinner was an onion, peppers, cheese, and spices egg white scramble. You can see it here.

I miss Italian food the most. And chocolate. And massive buffets. And cheeseburgers. And bread in general. And ... ha ha a lot more. Once I am under 180 I will determine if I will go further and then whatever I eat will be smaller portions I hope LOL. I would really rather not go through this sort of strict calorie cutting again. Though I still am enjoying the food I am eating because I can compromise and have things I really love that have few calories. Thank goodness I love onions and other veggies but especially onions which are one of my favorite foods cooked almost anyway so even starts of softened and spiced in the microwave is delicious for me and that makes anything I throw into it yummy too.

Think of the body too, dangit. Exercise more.

Must Change Meal Times

Today I had two protein drinks for lunch (360 calories) and then, about 7 PM, I had about 1000 calories, mostly pulled pork. Too much at once, too much too late, both for the weight loss, the low energy day, and the digestive system. The good news is another low calorie day. The bad news is another very painful sticky bloody poop. Big one too. I didn't find time to call the doctors today. Must find time tomorrow. 187.2 on the house scale this morning and this evening before eating. I must pack some actual lunch and have the protein drinks for dinner, burn more energy during the day, and then I'll have the energy to add the gym into the mix after work. Just need to shower more, a challenge here, but must. Must. Definitely must.

Gonna get to under 180 this time.

Keeping In Touch

Keeping in touch here in this blog would help the body keep in touch with itself and that would be a be a good, smart, wise, seriously life-sustaining thing to do. So maybe this time. Today the body was pushed hard and I feel it, mostly good, muscles recovering. I ate a little fat and sugars as wings for lunch. Protein drinks at softball practice, a couple later in the day, and and and shrimp with some mayo dip for dinner. Unfortunately the pain in the ass and the itching (which may or may not have a few different causes) continues and all I can do is call the doctors again tomorrow. C.Diff, hemorrhoids, yeast infection... those are the current diagnoses but the treatments have not worked. It's really not been a fun year for the ass.

The rest of me is having lots of fun though.

Good Morning 187

The scale of unknown reliability in the living room here read 187.7 this morning in underwear before drinking after urinating. Yesterday cutting back on calories seems to have gotten the weight loss program back on track. Some time between the last uploaded entry and today, much happened, but the title of this entry refers to the body weight as a calorie-counting weight loss regimen started [insert approximate date] a couple or few months back after the new primary care doctor and I reviewed lab results and the successful plunge under 190 pounds this past week demonstrates the seriousness with which I am endeavoring to accomplish the weight reduction goal I set for myself.

It is time I updated this blog again, so entries will likely be inserted later.

For now, softball.

I Should Mention

I dropped under 200 pounds in the last three months since the C.Diff aggravated the defecation issues by, at least in part, throwing the digestive system into chaos. Changing my diet was finally viewed as the best possible control I could take since a dozen or more medications have not been working over the last few years. Doctors aren't helping, even the supposedly best specialists in town, so diet changed simply to reduce the flow of feces (it flowed better than poop, literally) and soften the friction to ease the pain and hopefully, induce healing. Prunes and laxatives become friends along with light protein shakes instead of meals and no almost no fats, carbs, or high calorie days. The fewer calories, the less poop. The less poop, the easier it is to soften and less stress on the tissues and better chance of healing. So goes the theory. The medical profession would likely tell me I should not do what I am doing, consuming well under 500 calories a day for consecutive days, fasting some days, dropping weight dramatically quickly, but I must trust my instincts in this process.

Yeah, so I figured I should mention these things.

So under 200. I hope to be under 190 soon.

Continue...

Running Backwards

Ok, so for those of you who do not visit my daily blog, I am going to link some posts from there to help fill in this blog since I've neglected this blog for three and a half months. In case it matters. As far back as the day after the last entry here I was lamenting (complaining?) about not being here, but I ignored my complaints well.

February, At Least.
If you recall, this all started with food poisoning. I think. Or was it the leg. Or was it a few years ago with the mysterious digestive disorder that no one has diagnosed properly. Feel free to read back a few years to catch up. This will be here when you get back.

May, I think up.
The roller coaster of weight gain and loss is not fun anymore. So somewhere in May I received news of bad labs (which was supposed to be summarized here, but wasn't) and a good doctor (at least on first impression). I seemed to be deep into ambivalent apathy at the time, a place I seem to visit way too often in the last twenty years. Or is that a lifetime? So I played a game to distract myself.

June, I think down.
I've been going to doctors more in this year than I ever have in any previous year in this lifetime. Results have been eh and bleh and blah (or perhaps sigh) because too many medical people really don't listen. What makes it worse is often I don't listen either.

July, Walk On Through the Rain, Pain, and Insane-ity.
The medical profession continues to consistently disappoint so focusing on the positive (which I am struggling to do more and more, at least it's consistent. I should explain that I was diagnosed with C.Diff again as semi-expected after the emergency room doctor prescribed the same oral antibiotic that allowed the C.Diff to bloom after my repeated pleas to four different doctors to find an alternative to the oral antibiotic. The GI doctor did not remember I called and told him this was likely, so his office told me I may need surgery and put me on the most powerful anti-C.Diff drug there is. The pharmacy gave me the wrong amount of pills and I suffered all month trying to get the pharmacy, doctor's office, and insurance companies (yes two, since Blue Cross contracts with a pharmacy insurance who was screwing up communications with the pharmacy and doctor's office which caused physical pain and medical complications for me). I am taking Dificid now, but the drug might not work because I did not have enugh and the C.Diff could have become resistant because of the inconsistent regimen.

So July was a month of ups and downs on many levels, including the body. I think I may have summed it (at least the latest installment of the C.Diff journey, which is on-going) up in this entry.

So, in case it matters, I am still alive.

Are you?

Cause For Concern

There is growing concern in the sub-net of my brain about the apparent deterioration (or lack of healing) of the skin just inside and outside of the anus. Several GI Specialists tell me there's nothing concerning in the rectum when they look in there. A colonoscopy from Feb 2017 came up clean. A Hematologist and Nephroogist have given me clean bills of health (heavy on the bills). The last visual exam was last month by a PA at a highly respected GI Center and she said to use Desitin, not to wash it off, and made it seem as though it was a bad case of diaper rash.

What I know and tell them is that it has become progressively worse over at least the last 3 years. That it started as what I thought was an occasional hemorrhoid flare up maybe ten years ago that would occur a couple of times a year after hard bowel movement. That was treated with over the counter suppositories and the flare up would go away in a day or two.

This increased over the course of a decade and moreso in the last three years. Over the last year, the skin has not been healing most of the time. Anal fissures developed and they are not healing either. I am following all the medical advice, rinsing after bowel movements, keeping clean and dry, not rubbing or wiping with anything even remotely abrasive (wet wipes only, just lightly before the rinse, mostly because of the texture).

The texture of the feces has made this much more challenging since this recent C;Diff incident which started in late February. That symptom is not completely gone, though I have not gotten definitive results as to whether the soft pasty smelly stools are due to C.Diff or due to the intestinal bacterial damage that takes time to rebuild.

In any case, what I experience is increasing pain and bleeding over several years to the point where now, almost every bowel movement produces the pain and bleeding and that is not something I want to be told is nothing to worry about.

I'm gonna print this and take it to my next doctor's appointments. Thanks for asking and helping me explain it once again. Maybe this explains it better than I have explained it before (I may have a failure to communicate going on with more than a few doctors and PAs. :)

I only know what I say, not what others hear.

Did you say something?

Hopefully you will :)