done for the season?

well, ok, physical reality... talking to the body... and most important of all, listening to the body... i did not swing the bat... in fact, i did not move the arm... i drove jackson's car so i didn't need to move the arm... i let it hang at my side the whole ride and the whole game... and it feels only slightly better today, so this not using it at all is going to continue today and and we will take it day to day... and now, here in this blog where the body is supposed to think and be heard, it is time to call myself out (ducking, but seriously, here goes)...

it goes back to here... and before that... in fact, it was during the long venting entry on that thanksgiving tournament weekend that i wrote: "i may have thrown my arm out when my foot slid out from under me as i picked up a grounder, spun around, and threw to third... "... i did not take myself seriously... i did not listen to the arm... pity the fool who does not listen to his (or her) own body talk, or body thoughts, to be a bit more accurate...

and the signs were ignored... even in the babble... and it is all too obvious now that after the initial injury and the days following when i appeared to tell myself that i thought it did not get worse, i lied to myself... i did not know i was lying, but that is the way it is when one lies to one's self... throwing from third base with the injury just one week after the initial injury is why i am not moving the arm at all this week... i was distracted by sudden life changed (end of income due to early end to three month contract) and ego probably overrode pain sensors and any good sense when i said yes to playing third base...

and then... another tournament in changing weather with changing conditions and no rest and yet another game the following day while being continuing to be stupidly ignoring the arm...

yup, listening too late... still not really listening... reading my own daily (manic distraction all-too-cool can't touch me" invulnerable happy-go-lucky self-mocking seriously irreverent blog, i made at least a half dozen decisions that aggravated and further injuries the arm by not taking myself seriously with an only the good die young no fear as in not afraid to die attitude and while there is positivity in the perspective, as well as truth (why waste time and energy worrying about the inevitable when that time and energy can enhance the moments we are alive), quality of life matters too and avoiding injury enhances the moments we are alive as much as not worrying about the inevitable does, so there it is...

and as much as i do not like this fact, sometimes hope is not enough... even when hope is all there is (i know this too well)... and yet, even with all my wisdom and knowledge and experience and (oh, did i mention pig-headed determination to not let others down and desperation to find some sense of ego-food especially now that i had no work ego food)... and i continued to let all the distractions keep me from the fact (but by this last link it was too late... of course i did not have to stay awake and then run a 5k the next morning on no sleep {awake 24+ hours) and then spend the day out and not getting to sleep for an additional 16 hours after the 5k, alas) that this was coming, the total immobilization of the arm... there are real questions about which games should i have skipped... the extra tournament, for sure... and not playing third base, for sure... and much better focus and time for myself, physical prep time for the body, definitely... and there is the proof, the documented knowledge of the timeline that lead to the intensity of this injury...

now i have a very real choice (without getting too over dramatic i hope), learn from these mistakes so this sort of easily preventable injury does not happen again or simply quit playing ball, quite the physical life and like most people, retire to the sedentary life... as long as i have a choice in the matter (that is i am still able to play ball), i actually would rather die...

so learn, dammit, learn more... old dogs do learn new tricks if they want to be older dogs... and the body says - want to live?... learn... want to play ball?... learn more... how?... read the word written and write more words thought by the body... use the blog right here set up to keep in touch with the body... listen to the body... hear the body... stop pretending it is all in the mind and respect the physical, respect the limits of the physical, and don't let it bring you down...

so here it is, the bottom line... take it day by day... and as much as possible without causing other harm, no moving the arm this week...

maybe next week :)