stop it, life

well, to be more precised, it's stop it, worklife cuz the worklife is killing the foot... the most challenging day yet thanks to problems ignored... i am the clean up guy, but today there were a few messes i simply could not clean up and the foot had nothing to do with it... on my feet much much more than any day since the ouch started and exhaustion almost overrides the numb bomb set to go off when i remove the boot tonight... maybe i will fall asleep first... and somehow i must feel up to a shower tonight or early tomorrow morning... and i may miss the doctor's appointment in the morning if it was tomorrow morning cuz i complete forgot which day the appointment is and i did not get a reminder this time and the work from today spilled over so i must be there to hold hands in the morning... dang foot doesn't like the idea... but whatever, all i can do is rest rest rest... right, whatever...

too much walking

especially too much walking without the boot... happiness just woke me again to go outside... so much for sleeping in and getting the rest the foot needs... frustrated... i just don't feel like going through the whole process of putting on a sock (which is painful and i've got to wash socks today) and then putting on the boot just to go to the bathroom, kitchen, or the lawn for happiness... but a dozen trips to the kitchen, a half dozen trips to the bathroom, and a half dozen trips to the lawn have taken a toll... i didn't even get into the shower or do laundry and have to find the foot strength for both, dangit... i love him, but happiness was challenging and took more foot than intended... he just doesn't wait, bolts out the door (gave me a couple of painful rope burns earlier this year) and can pull me over if i am not ready and really stable on the crutches and this morning he caught me off guard and pulled the leash out of my hands before i could negotiate the newspaper sitting right in the doorway... he can also get out of his collar... i had to yell at him to come back and i definitely put too much pressure on the foot... i feel bad cuz he needs exercisse... but the foot... hopefully it's not too much of a set back for the foot... the extreme throbbing is back, as is swelling... the pain has been a lot worse though... it just hurts a lot, not the max extreme... but enough to want no more walking on it today... still need to shower and do laundry and eat though, so maybe for a six or eight hour, at least though... if i take happiness out again i'll put on a dirty sock and the boot... need more sleep but happiness and the foot say no... alas, the weekend was supposed to be rest...

too much information

the internet provides way too much information... so yesterday i was aching and concerned, but taking my time and icing and elevating and monitoring... that's pretty much 90% of what a doctor will do, having worked emergency rooms where i treated many sprained ankles and lots of other much more serious injuries... and then i start refreshing my memory and and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and maybe too much reading... so today there is no weight on the ankle at all and i am considering the doctor tomorrow... but i don't want to go to the doctor... if i even had one... it's not a fear of doctors, it's the black hole money pit that is the medical system i do not want to enter... so now i am torn... i mean, how could the ankle or foot be broken if i played a game and a half, pitching, running to first a few times, and walking around for more than two hours after twisting the ankle?... makes no sense... it's just the swelling and aftermath pain of a grade 1 sprain, right?... or a grade two, but that would be a longer healing time and i don't want that... no more, please...

ok, in the morning i will consider if a trip to a doctor is worth it... body thoughts suck sometimes...

did i just break my ankle?

well, that was the initial body thought after turning the ankle about 90 degrees thanks to a crappy field condition while running to first... a slippery spot just before reaching first base is about as stupid as grounds keeping can get, but stupider is running into it just to try to beat out a ground ball... so i played the rest of the game with increasing pain and then played the second game of the double header and had to run to first every time i was up cuz my swing was way off cuz i could not put pressure on my left foot... pitching wasn't easy either since, well, most things in sports require two feet for planting, pivoting, and pushing off... so i played on one foot as much as possible...

i did not play in the third game scheduled for three hours later, and the foot does not want to be walked on at all now, five hours after that... major swelling and pain... i will decided whether i want to spend money on doctors and xrays tomorrow... i've seen enough ankle sprains to know they can be even more painful and visually gruesome than a foot bone break, but i wanna play friday so it better get well fast...

yeah, but i don't just vege ya know

i mean, just to be fair and balanced in this record of the body experience (the body wants more, but it is honest too), and the body tells me that i do more than vege... i play softball several times a week most weeks throughout the year and i don't jog, i run the bases and feel the burn and want more... i wish i could play every day cuz i love the game and when i play double headers i want to play a third every time, even when i am tired... and i love running 5Ks when i sign up for them, but i do not sign up nearly enough... i love tennis, racquetball, and basketball when jackson or someone has time to play... so the fair and balanced record is that i am more active, a lot more active than the average person, especially when we look at average ages and demographics and all... still, not nearly enough exercise to satisfy me or keep the body in the condition most comfortable so all this fair and balanced crap is bull... but at least it's part of the record, aye?... posterity, ya know?...

and the body says... more exercise please :}

don't lose it this time

i mean the motivation to live, dammit... the decadent snacks are still everywhere and the belly continues to beg for bloat and the taste buds continue to crave fat and sugar and grease and crap and the body continues to crave for carbs and sugars and chocolate drugs and we must change the habit, we must retrain the metabolism to not crave large quantities of sugars and carbs at every meal... we must retrain the body to digest the proteins...

in this body

there is a distraction before me
a girl on a treadmill
fast walking, no running
i wonder if she runs
her buttocks is calling
not strongly, but loudly
i would like to hold her
i think it would be fun

and i wonder what would happen
if i told her i loved her
i have never met her
except to say hello
and to ask a simple question
what time does the pool close
she answered with a smile
it seems no one knows

her body was born when i was older than she is now
i wonder how much that matters to her, and how
i wonder if she'd be my friend
i wonder if she'd just pretend
to be polite... i wonder what she would allow
but i sit here now

writing my thoughts because my belly is bloated
this body is not ready for sharing today
how can i give comfort when i am uncomfortable
i am not ready to come out to play
one on one with a stranger today
but what has being ready got to do with anything
anyway

i came here to read your words and to respond
yet the physical world is distracting me
if her face was adorable i might overcome
the discomfort i feel in this body

so here i sit in the gym writing
instead of doing exercise
i can look in the mirror and see a fool
dying right before my eyes
if i laughed at him
would it come as a surprise?

she just walked out the door
while i sit in the kiddie room
ironic isn't it, well it is from here
the child inside meets doom
writing in the kiddie room
always wanted a toy box
to be my tomb

i came here to read your words and to respond
yet the physical world distracted me
but now the room is empty, everyone is gone
except the chatter of the tv
and the discomfort i feel
in this body

but still i feel hope
for at least i am still alive
in this body

bummer

Word came that one of the softball nights was cancelled due to not enough players for a new team. The word came that a second softball night only has five males signed up and needs at least another male and four females and so the second night might not have enough players for a new team and that will leave just one night. The third night team is set and I am trying to stay positive about it, but it would appear at first glance (based on the emails being exchanged) that the league is mostly college kids. Hopefully that will not be too alienating for me. Stay positive.

stepping out

of the blue... an early morning run-walk from pathetic to poor, but movement none-the-less... so easy the mind forgets and then, the muscles forget... as if something changed, age, time, atrophy, entropy, whatever... still, regular vigorous movement is a good thing, even when pathetic... there is hope for better again...

less sleep

just when i thought i could not cut sleep time down any further and still enjoy an active successful life, i am sleeping less than ever before in this life (who says such madness is for the young?... and who says i am old?)... and you tell me i, body, am bold, brazen, but also a fool on the edge of death due to living without sleeping...

and eating twice as much as i need, if i was sane, i'd ask for a lobotomy.

if i was crazy, i'd give myself one.

instead, i sit here wishing someone would come along and share the living beyond sleep deprivation and sensual stupor none have yet to share in this life... dreaming wide awake, drifing through the starry starry night like a comet, acting as if i will never burn out.

body talks, who listens?

Happy VD

Damn, a muscle tear hurts. Wish I could say it was overzealous love-making, or even wild mindless sex, but it was stutter-stepping between first and second in the softball game. Damn, damn, damn, just when I was starting to move around and feel like the athelete was not dead yet, a major set-back. Now it's rest, but will I?

Yeah, Happy Love-Day.

what a waste

Or is there some purpose to this time? (speaketh the body). The blood pressure medication stopped and the ringing in the ear is louder than ever which means the blood pressure is up and the fat fuck living in my just keeps stuffing his greedy mouth with more chocolates and fat-making shit and though he's keeping me so busy I am hardly sleeping, he doesn't find time or motivation or caring to take me out for a run. He even signs up to do it and we are a no-show. Idiot. Maybe we'll get to the next one.

Who cares.

bloat floats

yo yo yo dog, now digit, bloat floats...

as long as you don't burp or fart too much...

wouldn't want to sink down too low, right...