timing bad, m'ok?

yeah, it is not good to leave a job and suddenly be thrust into a job search the same day as boot removal... so i have not been using the boot or crutches for almost two weeks, but i am also not walking much... my days are spent sitting here online searching for jobs and the motivation to dress and wrap the foot and tie on the sneaker is minimal... luckily happiness, the wonder dog, begs to go outside a lot and likes to pull and walk... the pulling is challenging, almost pulling me off my feel or off balance so i almost hurt the foot and ankle... must be very careful (and a little hard on him cuz i cannot afford a re-injury what with needing to go on interviews when they finally come and no health insurance for months, bad timing, m'ok)... the good news is the foot is doing better... i am walking slowly on flat surfaces with minimal pain... dangerous are the slopes and bumpy surfaces (so stay off the grass)... just need to focus on more consistent (and more) exercise and stretching and more exercise... careful physical therapy rehab, must do it myself, motivate, careful, must... and rest, must get back to sleeping regularly... and eating regularly... stop letting this bummer job search distract me... positivity...

that is all for today, mostly a reminder :}

too much information

the internet provides way too much information... so yesterday i was aching and concerned, but taking my time and icing and elevating and monitoring... that's pretty much 90% of what a doctor will do, having worked emergency rooms where i treated many sprained ankles and lots of other much more serious injuries... and then i start refreshing my memory and and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and maybe too much reading... so today there is no weight on the ankle at all and i am considering the doctor tomorrow... but i don't want to go to the doctor... if i even had one... it's not a fear of doctors, it's the black hole money pit that is the medical system i do not want to enter... so now i am torn... i mean, how could the ankle or foot be broken if i played a game and a half, pitching, running to first a few times, and walking around for more than two hours after twisting the ankle?... makes no sense... it's just the swelling and aftermath pain of a grade 1 sprain, right?... or a grade two, but that would be a longer healing time and i don't want that... no more, please...

ok, in the morning i will consider if a trip to a doctor is worth it... body thoughts suck sometimes...

yeah, but i don't just vege ya know

i mean, just to be fair and balanced in this record of the body experience (the body wants more, but it is honest too), and the body tells me that i do more than vege... i play softball several times a week most weeks throughout the year and i don't jog, i run the bases and feel the burn and want more... i wish i could play every day cuz i love the game and when i play double headers i want to play a third every time, even when i am tired... and i love running 5Ks when i sign up for them, but i do not sign up nearly enough... i love tennis, racquetball, and basketball when jackson or someone has time to play... so the fair and balanced record is that i am more active, a lot more active than the average person, especially when we look at average ages and demographics and all... still, not nearly enough exercise to satisfy me or keep the body in the condition most comfortable so all this fair and balanced crap is bull... but at least it's part of the record, aye?... posterity, ya know?...

and the body says... more exercise please :}

bloating up again

stupid is as stupid does and i am doesing stupid good these days, but though it very well may be a possible sign of suicidal tendencies and is most likely a cry for help, the end may not be about to be just yet, we hope... the weight cap is hopefully going to top out at 190 (instead of 220, which was the max cap for a while in this decade and in the eighties too, ironically, both decades i held professional office jobs and reduced sleep to ridiculously minimal levels and neglect myself in almost every way, a recipe for disaster, the death kind, so wake up and save yourself, myself, right?)...

ok, hopefully this is the wake up call... loneliness and feeling unloved and missing being cared about and all that poor-me stuff is placated by food... but if i do not really want to die, things will change again...

circular motion

yeah, up and down, back to 192, back to 199.8, and round and round and round again... that was may... focus just was not there... maybe it was the disappointment in the people (softball teams, work colleagues, old friends, the human race, all the little things)... maybe it was the unresolved (uninvited?)... maybe it was (was?... isn't it still is-ing?... like now?) just boredom fueling the ambivalence that replaced the joyous optimism and hope and belief in love and life and pleasure and caring and sharing and peace and love (did i meantion love?) and happiness and romance and passion and idealism and beauty and promises and love (mustn't forget the love) and the dreams... maybe it's just getting old...

so why am i still giggling?

don't lose it this time

i mean the motivation to live, dammit... the decadent snacks are still everywhere and the belly continues to beg for bloat and the taste buds continue to crave fat and sugar and grease and crap and the body continues to crave for carbs and sugars and chocolate drugs and we must change the habit, we must retrain the metabolism to not crave large quantities of sugars and carbs at every meal... we must retrain the body to digest the proteins...