not daily, but

yes, and doing it for the first time without the ankle brace... the left shin splints were not nearly as bad this time... 3:37.9; 4:09.8; 4:56.5; 4:21.0; 4:27.1; 5:39.7; 4:47.9... 31:59.9 total for seven laps... mile pace: 13:58 avg mph: 4.297 avg lap: 4.329... mediocre at best, but the good news is that it is another jog/walk... i did not realize so many days went by this week... maybe that helped the shin splint issue... or maybe taking the ankle brace off did... or both... anyway, not good... i must do this more often... maybe keeping stats will help... is there an easy way to put a table in one of these blog posts?... research... dropping some weight would help for sure... continue...

ok, two

as in two days in a row... 4:02.1; 4:28.1; 4:29.4; 4:36.2; 17:35.8 for 4 laps which might have been a 22 minute 2.5K, maybe, and this track appears on the long side of the measure so eh at least until i am doing a 20 minute 2.5K and then eh until i am doing a 40 minute 5K and crap to all the woulda could should crap... deal with real times, real conditions, real physical life (to survive)... 61 degrees, humidity 86%... dang humidity takes so much out when the muscle and lung stamina is this low... lactic acid pain during the first lap and shin splints by the third lap, i don't think this body has even been quite this out of shape and recovery time has never been so long both for muscles and for lungs... and this was after relatively decent sleep and meat protein last night... must change habits... wah wah wah... do it again tomorrow or shadup...

...

chicken fat

yeah, you know... we walk/jogged 4 laps and then jackson went in for a shower cuz she has work soon and i walk/jogged another two laps with the fifth lap being the most jogged lap... the good news is the foot/ankle is healing well, the stamina is not completely gone (though it is, by my standards, horribly pitiful and i'd be content with a 50 minute 5k at this point)... the lap is .31 miles which makes 10 laps a 5k and that'll be the first distance goal (the first goal is wake up and do it again soon, monday or tuesday at the latest... tomorrow is softball practice at 10am... maybe sunday since i am not playing softball on sundays yet (i think must check schedules)... time goals will wait until i complete 10 laps at least once or twice... a 5k in september is not too far fetched...

slow, very slow, and not too steady, but progress...

yeah, well, whatever

ok so i stepped up to the plate over the weekend and it was good overall, baby steps for sure, and besides all the whining about insensitivity from some strangers new to the team who seemed to expect me to be able to run on rough surfaces without any ankle support (simply, i went to watch the game and the game was rained out so a handful of people went to a soccer field for some hitting/fielding practice and when i declined to participate because i was recovering from the first test the day before and had come out without ankle brace or any wrap in shoes for the first time {yeah, not even sneakers with better support) i was told i was making excuses... just walking on the uneven surface was a relatively new experience for the foot/ankle... and maybe it was meant to be friendly teasing (from strangers?), but being frustrated with my inactivity already and just a sensitive child, i took a walk and nurtured myself since nobody out there cared to and then whined to myself as i sorted through clothes, so to speak - thanks harry for understanding)...

the body became quiet depressed and i don't want to go through that again, so i will skip the sunday afternoon team for rehab and wait for the other teams where a bit more sensitivity might actually happen... sometimes i really don't care what anyone thinks, i just want to take care of myself my way and even if i never really have family or a nurturing environment, i'd rather be alone sometimes than put up with people's insensitivity (selfishness, machoness, egocentricity, call it whatever, people suck sometimes)... set back?... yup...

and that's what the body thinks today...

otherwise, aside from some ache, no bad news from the foot... just must remember how important attitude, encouragement, support, confidence, and preparation is in this rehab process (especially if nobody else does)...

neglecting updates

neglecting the rehab too while i'm at it... yeah, the loss of work (i believe it was the day after the last entry here) my desk at work and i parted ways... that has left me sitting at this laptop revising resumes and cover letters and searching the job market and finding very little out there, nothing that will pay what i've been getting, so, depressing week... the body was feeling the effects (affects too) and that gave the foot yet another week of rest, but not the physical therapy or activity it needs... though not wearing the boot or using the crutches all week has been good (challenging though) for the foot... need to focus on rehab and shake the blues... alone, sigh, unless you feel like coming over and helping (what?... you think i write all these words on the web for my health?... ummmm, well, yeah, that is the primary reason, but i could keep them private, after all... i put them out here for you to read hoping you {somebody} will be interested in coming closer, becoming a friend, maybe even close... anybody out there?)... and that's the body update for today... sigh and all...

still, the foot

healing is happening and some walking on the foot is happening, but the reaction from the plantar fascia is not great so the walking is minimal and very low pressure... i should be ok getting to our seats for la cage aux folles thursday and saturday if i call ahead and arrange to walk to the aisle before the crowd... our seats are center of a long row thursday and third row left center saturday, so once i get there i show be ok... i still haven't found time to call the doctor and they haven't called me back (which is so typical and yet, still sad) and my guess is they will do little, maybe suggest an expensive oprthopedic insert for when i can finally get a shoe on... swelling still happens after walking, the ligaments are healing slowly... the pain at the site of the tibia break flairs if i put too much pressure on it or try to turn the ankle... there is more range of motion, just not much... not being able to walk is getting old, not to mention not being able to run...

and so it goes as time goes by...

physical focus

everything is so very physical, the body, that is, self-focused, distracted, it is a real pain in the neck... no really, i mean the pain in the neck is very distracting... and some headaches and here i go wondering again if it is posture (the reminder from my youth to get the spine and therein my head straight was the stiff neck, after all) or maybe the blood pressure is playing some role and leaving me what may rudely be called a sophie's choice (as if anything can be that bad), die from high blood pressure or die from the medications the medical profession use to try to control high blood pressure...

and then there's the foot... rough day, but hopefully still healing... more hopefully healing right and not getting permanently damaged by the walking i have to do... some of the people at work are amazing in their lack of compassion and unwillingness to help as they watch me struggle to carry papers or hold open doors while on crutches... tomorrow should be fun as i have a few hours of meetings with the most inconsiderate folk of all who enjoy pouncing on weakness and making others feel like crap, what a life... luckily they don't affect me much anymore, but the foot won't make it any easier...

there are body thoughts?... well, sorta... heal already, dammit! :}

too much walking

especially too much walking without the boot... happiness just woke me again to go outside... so much for sleeping in and getting the rest the foot needs... frustrated... i just don't feel like going through the whole process of putting on a sock (which is painful and i've got to wash socks today) and then putting on the boot just to go to the bathroom, kitchen, or the lawn for happiness... but a dozen trips to the kitchen, a half dozen trips to the bathroom, and a half dozen trips to the lawn have taken a toll... i didn't even get into the shower or do laundry and have to find the foot strength for both, dangit... i love him, but happiness was challenging and took more foot than intended... he just doesn't wait, bolts out the door (gave me a couple of painful rope burns earlier this year) and can pull me over if i am not ready and really stable on the crutches and this morning he caught me off guard and pulled the leash out of my hands before i could negotiate the newspaper sitting right in the doorway... he can also get out of his collar... i had to yell at him to come back and i definitely put too much pressure on the foot... i feel bad cuz he needs exercisse... but the foot... hopefully it's not too much of a set back for the foot... the extreme throbbing is back, as is swelling... the pain has been a lot worse though... it just hurts a lot, not the max extreme... but enough to want no more walking on it today... still need to shower and do laundry and eat though, so maybe for a six or eight hour, at least though... if i take happiness out again i'll put on a dirty sock and the boot... need more sleep but happiness and the foot say no... alas, the weekend was supposed to be rest...

freakin foot

i gave in and took four aspirins some time during the late morning because i was not gonna work well without them cuz of the distraction... and now i am not sleeping at the moment because of the same distraction... about 80 hours without any pain medication tells me the injury is more foot than ankle and it will not be healing in a week or two, dammit... i did not move the doctor's appointment up, even if i should have, and am still taking it day by day... it does not appear to be getting worse... the swelling is way down, though still present throughout the foot and ankle and a bit of the lower leg... the pain is localized (when off pain meds) to the outer (anterior) center foot (bone or connective tissue) and the outer (left front) foot/ankle connection (connective tissue) the rear right space in front of the heel (two chips off the tibia) and just behind the ball (bone or soft tissue, i had immediate bubble swelling there after the twist so i either popped a blood vessel or disclocated a foot bone, either way it seems the pressure of continuing to run on the foot for another hour and a half after the injury reset or pressed out the bubble)... also dealing with more muscle cramping aching from the inactivity and the redistribution of muscle use...

feel free to sympathize and if you are a really tolerant understanding infinitely patient nurse, feel free to come over and wipe my brow now and then... an occasional hug/cuddle wouldn't hurt much either...

sheeesh...

puzzling pain

ok, so there are times when i can put full body weight on the heel (as long as i am not moving the rest of the foot) and actually walk a few steps without pain (unless that is just the aspirins, which is all i've been taking so far, about 12 a day until today) and there are times when no matter what, there is throbbing pain - no movement at all, elevated or down (more down), throbbing totally distracting pain...

and then there is the boot... at times the boot immobilization-by-pressure reduces the pain and allows me to walk a few steps with out crutches or support without pain, but after a while for some reason (reducing circulation or overheating perhaps), the same totally distracting pain... and then taking off the boot and pressing the foot gently on the floor (stimulating circulation and muscle movement) feels much better after hurting at first... so maybe it does have something to do with temperature, too chilled and there is pain with every twitch so immobilization is needed... or perhaps it's just too many twitches... too warm and/or too little movement (immobilized in the boot) and evelated too long (limited circulation) and there is pain... must find a balance...

of course it could just be the meds... more aspirins... call doctor tomorrow for something stronger since aspirins are going to eat my stomach... of course something stronger might eat my liver and kidneys just as much... the body is not happy... how are you?...

ankle results

ok, the results are in, sort of... i saw sort of because the x-rays were read by a PA, not an MD or orthopedist or radiologist, and there is obvious broken fragments on the x-ray that the PA says were old... there was no pain prior, so how can it be old... i think he assumed i am like most people my age, sedentary, and would not notice...

so i have a bad sprain, either a grade 2 or 3 (can't tell until the swelling goes down and it really doesn't matter cuz the only difference in treatment is the grade 3 hurts more and takes longer to heal... grade 2 is a partial tear in the ligaments holding the ankle together and a grade three is a complete tear, the latter needing more support (cast/boot) for longer... and as i mentioned above, there are also a couple of bone chips off the bottom tip of the tibia... same treatment, immobilize... of course rich people and pro athletes would have had surgery already and be re-habed in a couple of weeks... i hope to be not much longer than that cuz i am too stubborn to sit for long and i want to get back to playing softball and running, but realistically i may be wearing this expensive boot for a few weeks (everybody says longer, i say wait and see)...

the swelling may have finally stopped, maybe, except when i walk on it or stand a while... driving a clutch in a boot is gonna be interesting tomorrow... life goes on, especially work...

sucks and hurts a lot, but sucks more... i have five softball teams scrambling for a pitcher now and i lose the time and factor in body age, that sucks sucks sucks more... stupid new reebok sneaker (poor support, slightly off-center base) and a wet poorly groomed surface caused it, but then, i chose to put that sneaker on and run recklessly on the wet surface...

sucks sucks sucks...

:}

so how's your body? :)

too much information

the internet provides way too much information... so yesterday i was aching and concerned, but taking my time and icing and elevating and monitoring... that's pretty much 90% of what a doctor will do, having worked emergency rooms where i treated many sprained ankles and lots of other much more serious injuries... and then i start refreshing my memory and and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and maybe too much reading... so today there is no weight on the ankle at all and i am considering the doctor tomorrow... but i don't want to go to the doctor... if i even had one... it's not a fear of doctors, it's the black hole money pit that is the medical system i do not want to enter... so now i am torn... i mean, how could the ankle or foot be broken if i played a game and a half, pitching, running to first a few times, and walking around for more than two hours after twisting the ankle?... makes no sense... it's just the swelling and aftermath pain of a grade 1 sprain, right?... or a grade two, but that would be a longer healing time and i don't want that... no more, please...

ok, in the morning i will consider if a trip to a doctor is worth it... body thoughts suck sometimes...

soup is too salty

though low calorie, soup is way too salty to be a steady diet and the weight of fatigue and blood pressure (sensing it, not measuring it) is draining the body these days... as lack of full REM cycles is catching up with the aging brain and lack of sleep is catching up with the body and over-eating (even when dinner is soup and yogurt, back to one huge meal a day in the evening is not right) is weighing both down and raising the blood pressure to unhealthy levels (that's a sense-judgment as i don't make time to check the actual blood pressure these days for the same reason the place i live in is a wreck, no time... and that is both physically and psychologically uncomfortable so change the dang habits, fool)...

thank you for the good advice...

face stuffing is a full time job

yeah, it is, you know it if you've ever done it... and delicious can be found everywhere, so unless i go nowhere and say no to everything, i continue to bloat enough to not drop under 200 pounds... but i've got a couple of weeks before the imaginary deadline and sort-of promise i made myself by telling someone else i agree to do it... and besides, the body feels much better not bloated, so why in the world would i continue trading a few minutes of oral ecstasy for twenty four hours of bloat each day... rhetorical, of course... get real...

why hast thou foresaken me?

woah, getting biblical on my ass, am i?... well, the body has it's own irreverent sense of humor and as it does speak out here, i occasionally respond as i am doing now (so who is really in control?... oooo, the question cuts the air like a razor wire)...

ummmmm, in spite of the frequent softball, the eating habits remain over-indulgent for the taste buds and ignore the bloat signals sent by the stomach and other vital organs in the torso, leaving the ridiculouso sign flashing on the forehead for anyone with a third eye to see... so when will the gym become a regular part of the routine and when will i remember what stamina really means and when will i start taking the resistance against gravity and the natural aging forces seriously...

ever?...

there's something burning somewhere... and i think it's me.

bloat me

so i slowed down the taste buds and cut back on portions and feel more bloated than ever (pattern continues) and i still wish there was someone outside of this body who cares as much as i do (and more, right now, cuz apathy is killing me - listen to your body talk).

in this body

there is a distraction before me
a girl on a treadmill
fast walking, no running
i wonder if she runs
her buttocks is calling
not strongly, but loudly
i would like to hold her
i think it would be fun

and i wonder what would happen
if i told her i loved her
i have never met her
except to say hello
and to ask a simple question
what time does the pool close
she answered with a smile
it seems no one knows

her body was born when i was older than she is now
i wonder how much that matters to her, and how
i wonder if she'd be my friend
i wonder if she'd just pretend
to be polite... i wonder what she would allow
but i sit here now

writing my thoughts because my belly is bloated
this body is not ready for sharing today
how can i give comfort when i am uncomfortable
i am not ready to come out to play
one on one with a stranger today
but what has being ready got to do with anything
anyway

i came here to read your words and to respond
yet the physical world is distracting me
if her face was adorable i might overcome
the discomfort i feel in this body

so here i sit in the gym writing
instead of doing exercise
i can look in the mirror and see a fool
dying right before my eyes
if i laughed at him
would it come as a surprise?

she just walked out the door
while i sit in the kiddie room
ironic isn't it, well it is from here
the child inside meets doom
writing in the kiddie room
always wanted a toy box
to be my tomb

i came here to read your words and to respond
yet the physical world distracted me
but now the room is empty, everyone is gone
except the chatter of the tv
and the discomfort i feel
in this body

but still i feel hope
for at least i am still alive
in this body

bummer

Word came that one of the softball nights was cancelled due to not enough players for a new team. The word came that a second softball night only has five males signed up and needs at least another male and four females and so the second night might not have enough players for a new team and that will leave just one night. The third night team is set and I am trying to stay positive about it, but it would appear at first glance (based on the emails being exchanged) that the league is mostly college kids. Hopefully that will not be too alienating for me. Stay positive.