solitary determination

well, i grew tired of looking outside of myself for inspiration to exercise (all along i had been hoping that living with someone in a body that is more than two decades younger than the body i inhabit would inspire me to be more active and exercise more but she works so much she rarely has time or energy and now has a relationship taking even more of her time lately so i hardly see her... maybe i needed someone three decades younger, or four, even lol...

everybody gets so old so fast in this life (ah, who gets my humor? :)

the foot, by the way, is doing fine... wrapped good and tight, no pain in the foot or the leg muscles... reasonable strain in both calf and abdominal muscles (sadly, signs of atrophy and aging are evident all over the dang body... alas, dissatisfaction keeps me alone, physically (can you hear my body sigh?)... somehow, i must find someone to laugh with me... preferably as we make love...

ok, back to the immediate physical reality... so i jog/walked another 5k tonight and i realized how much backsliding i have been doing living outside of myself so much so whatever, there are no excuses outside of myself and here are the numbers...

ten laps... 3:34.0 4:14.3, 4:16.7, 4:17.9, 4:18.8, 4:43.6, 4:39.8, 4:54.4, 4:26.8, 4:07.7... 43:34.0 total time... an approximate 5k, possible a bit longer, but close enough to let me consistently call it a 5k... and after a full day at work and being awake 14 hours... not too bad, but shamefully pitiful compared to what i know the body can do it it is not wasted away... so what will i do now... rest... the more important questions is what will i do tomorrow...

i did not have running partners as a kid... or a teen,... or a young adult... i was a solitary runner... love and the desire for a relationship was an inspiration, but it was just me out on the road day after day, mile after mile... it was loving the feeling of the high during the run and loving the feeling of fitness and awareness after and between the runs... so is the solitary determination that drove me to run a 2:40 marathon (that is 2 hours and 40 minutes) once and sub 3 hour marathons more than a dozen times return before it is time to die?... will the solitary determination that drove me to run a 4:40 mile (that's four minutes and 40 seconds) once and many sub five minute miles and routine sub 6 minute miles return?... routinely running 15 miles in 89:54 minutes (that's 89 minutes, 54 seconds - averaging sub 6 minute miles for 15 miles)?... and 60 or more miles a week...

mostly those are just memories now, not realistic goals considering the years of backsliding i've allowed this body to do... a few years ago, maybe five, i run/jogged eight miles in just under ninety minutes... but can i, on just my solitary determination, return to consistently running again, not just jog/walking, without dying first?...

one step at a time...

better and better

this weekend was the biggest challenge to date... i decided to try walking without any support, that is no ace bandage or sneaker, just arch-less moccasins for an extended period (all day out at parks and then at downtown disney) and the news is great - no direct injury related pain until after several hours and then it was not enough to stop, though i started limping a bit as evening approached... even better, the day after was fine (just slight discomfort) and i decided to keep going without any support... the point was to test the stability of the foot and ankle and it passed with flying colors...

so i feel confident it is healing well... i will still wrap it well and use a brace when i play sftball because i don't want to accidentally take a mis-step in the heat of the game and i will generally walk with some arch support just cuz that is better for the foot and the planar fascia is prone to fascitis for months or even longer after a rupture, but it was great to pass the test of walking almost barefoot and being on my feet for 6-8 hours... it's been a long time since the initial injury, for sure...

and even more good news - all this introspective body talk actually helped someone (thanks for the comments) which makes posting this even more positive... and one more thing - thanks to the best friend and roommate i could ever have asked for cuz without her, this foot/ankle might never have healed as it has and i could very well have pushed it too hard too fast and caused a permanent injury that would have prevented running again - especially cuz my health insurance ran out just when i should have started physical therapy... yay for best friends... and thank you dear anonymous commenter for reminding me :)

slight delay

yeah, so last weekend was a slight fiasco when it came to the rehab process as my morale was flushed down the toilet and blah blah blah so i skipped this week and distracted myself with intellectual fun and food and yeah, probably put on a pound or few (though i must say i have been amazingly disciplined during these past almost four months (yes, 4 months) of inactivity as i have not gained a net pound from the day of injury through today even with some gain this week, which, is you've read me and know how much i love food {and how much food is a comfort and how much i've needed comfort during this first serious injury of this lifetime and new very lonely rehab process, not to mention other major life changes any good therapist would welcome my money to discuss for months, at least... psyche, aye?}, is quite seriously outstanding will power, discipline, and healthy habits... even moreso as my roommate has gained weight during this period, partly because she is exercising less because her primary exercise partner {that would be me} is, alas, off his feet a lot)...

anyway, perhaps it is time to renew the rehab mentality and while avoiding the critical strangers who have less sensitivity than i would like (it is sad that i must accept a lack of a supportive caring world once again, but then, that is the world i was born into and accepted it very young, so the fact that naivety and hopefulness survives in me as it does is, again, pretty amazing... so i'm a pretty amazing dude, aye?... well just look at all this positive self-talk... jackson would be so proud), stepping out to social physical activity (softball fields) again next weekend... enough grumbling about set backs, not quite full speed ahead, but forward... next weekend (oh go ahead, i'm laughing at myself :)

foot report: walking better, faster, jogging a bit with discomfort but no sharp pains... ankle report, similar... still very wobbling and not pivoting well, not putting full body weight on it yet... leg report: muscles occasionally cramping, weak but improving... body report: blah blah blah blah... eat better, exercise more, sex would be nice...

yeah, well, whatever

ok so i stepped up to the plate over the weekend and it was good overall, baby steps for sure, and besides all the whining about insensitivity from some strangers new to the team who seemed to expect me to be able to run on rough surfaces without any ankle support (simply, i went to watch the game and the game was rained out so a handful of people went to a soccer field for some hitting/fielding practice and when i declined to participate because i was recovering from the first test the day before and had come out without ankle brace or any wrap in shoes for the first time {yeah, not even sneakers with better support) i was told i was making excuses... just walking on the uneven surface was a relatively new experience for the foot/ankle... and maybe it was meant to be friendly teasing (from strangers?), but being frustrated with my inactivity already and just a sensitive child, i took a walk and nurtured myself since nobody out there cared to and then whined to myself as i sorted through clothes, so to speak - thanks harry for understanding)...

the body became quiet depressed and i don't want to go through that again, so i will skip the sunday afternoon team for rehab and wait for the other teams where a bit more sensitivity might actually happen... sometimes i really don't care what anyone thinks, i just want to take care of myself my way and even if i never really have family or a nurturing environment, i'd rather be alone sometimes than put up with people's insensitivity (selfishness, machoness, egocentricity, call it whatever, people suck sometimes)... set back?... yup...

and that's what the body thinks today...

otherwise, aside from some ache, no bad news from the foot... just must remember how important attitude, encouragement, support, confidence, and preparation is in this rehab process (especially if nobody else does)...

alrighty then

yesterday (when i was young, la la la) was a good kick in the psyche and i found myself out on the softball field (with strangers, no less... not the ideal first time back, but... i don't actually have a family, alas, wah wah wah and all that)... jackson was there and she cares and is as close to family as i've got, so i had the best i could and yay for her...

anyway, i survived... there is pain, but nothing new... no damage... just the stress of movement and some light running (to first base) and attempting to put full weight on the foot/ankle while swinging the bat and pitching (i'll work my way up to full weight and actually pivoting)... the achilles and hamstring (and of course foot and ankle) showed definite signs of weakness and tightness, so stretching is essential prior to any exercise and alertness must be maintained to prevent ancillary injuries... but all in all, a very good first day back on the field... well delayed by extended rest, but maybe that is for the best... jackson thinks so :)

extended rest

since i have the time (as i am free of the responsibility of a daily job at the moment) to prolong the rest and inactivity part of this rehabilitation (for better or worse), i have been what we might call, extending the rest and even, lazy (not that i've ever considered that a possibility at any point in this life... if you would see me, you'd be seeing me pointing at the archives of this very blog as a starting point as i laugh at myself)... but on the other hand, all the reading i've done about planar fascia injuries suggests there are likely to be long term problems if rushed, so the luxury of this rest may be the best medicine and the work-ethic suicide pattern so normal in this world can just take a flying leap, na na na na na...

i am getting a might flabby though, so exercise would be wise too (just saying, in case i actually read this and take it seriously one day)... snarky narf :)

footless

kinda wish i was tonight... not really, but... ok, so i have not moved the foot since the last entry and feeling all isolated and lonely with nobody to talk to tonight and feeling all lame cuz the foot really hurt the last time i moved it and sitting here is getting more challenging cuz the bladder wants to empty and you really wanted to know all this, right?... body thoughts, remember?...

yeah, well ok, so i paused a moment and stood up and grabbed the crutches and took a half a step and nope, not walking any more tonight... sitting immobile again... neck stiff... ear ringing... stomach grumbling... hungry, achy, tired in so many ways, lonely, no wonder people give up and die in these bodies... life gets so old when nobody wants to come out to play anymore...

i'd rather be dancing...

omigeesh

aching like i have not ached in years mostly (we hope) because i laid off the exercise for a month or so and it was cold (30-50 degrees) this weekend and i was out 11 hours two days in a row and ate a lot of junk and drank a lot of sugar and caffeine and the body pain sensors are warping cuz of the daily aspirin and the muscle pain, elasticity, and regeneration is warping cuz of the statin drugs in the red yeast extract and age is starting to show signs of becoming the mointain it can and eventually will be as time passes in this life... as much as the brain wants to will the body to stay young forever, the body has other ideas it seems... and each time i feel this, it feels more alone... alas, the fun is worth it though (and the weekend was major softball, outdoor, friends and food fun :)

still, would be nice to feel a long warm hug now... in a hot tub lol :)

let's get physical

i hated the song 'physical' when it first came out and now, years later, i would love someone to let me see their body talk...