yeah, well, whatever

ok so i stepped up to the plate over the weekend and it was good overall, baby steps for sure, and besides all the whining about insensitivity from some strangers new to the team who seemed to expect me to be able to run on rough surfaces without any ankle support (simply, i went to watch the game and the game was rained out so a handful of people went to a soccer field for some hitting/fielding practice and when i declined to participate because i was recovering from the first test the day before and had come out without ankle brace or any wrap in shoes for the first time {yeah, not even sneakers with better support) i was told i was making excuses... just walking on the uneven surface was a relatively new experience for the foot/ankle... and maybe it was meant to be friendly teasing (from strangers?), but being frustrated with my inactivity already and just a sensitive child, i took a walk and nurtured myself since nobody out there cared to and then whined to myself as i sorted through clothes, so to speak - thanks harry for understanding)...

the body became quiet depressed and i don't want to go through that again, so i will skip the sunday afternoon team for rehab and wait for the other teams where a bit more sensitivity might actually happen... sometimes i really don't care what anyone thinks, i just want to take care of myself my way and even if i never really have family or a nurturing environment, i'd rather be alone sometimes than put up with people's insensitivity (selfishness, machoness, egocentricity, call it whatever, people suck sometimes)... set back?... yup...

and that's what the body thinks today...

otherwise, aside from some ache, no bad news from the foot... just must remember how important attitude, encouragement, support, confidence, and preparation is in this rehab process (especially if nobody else does)...

ok, wonderful

i survived two trips to the theatre and one trip to a restaurant in the past three days on top of the working at work and self-care at home and the foot is better than it's been since the injury... i put some pressure on it and walked twenty feet or so without crutches a couple of times, outside with the boot on and at home without the boot... the pain flares at two get spots like clockwork and the rest of the leg muscles show signs of atrophy from lack of use which makes pushing the walking all the more important... balance is the key cuz those two pain flare spots are warnings that damage can happen suddenly if i push those two spots too far too fast... but it is still wonderful news to be healing...

omigeesh

aching like i have not ached in years mostly (we hope) because i laid off the exercise for a month or so and it was cold (30-50 degrees) this weekend and i was out 11 hours two days in a row and ate a lot of junk and drank a lot of sugar and caffeine and the body pain sensors are warping cuz of the daily aspirin and the muscle pain, elasticity, and regeneration is warping cuz of the statin drugs in the red yeast extract and age is starting to show signs of becoming the mointain it can and eventually will be as time passes in this life... as much as the brain wants to will the body to stay young forever, the body has other ideas it seems... and each time i feel this, it feels more alone... alas, the fun is worth it though (and the weekend was major softball, outdoor, friends and food fun :)

still, would be nice to feel a long warm hug now... in a hot tub lol :)

sleep is good

gave the body (and mind) a solid night sleep by closing my eyes and keeping them closed for at least 9 hours and woke without an alarm before the sun all energized and went out running (18:59.1 for five laps, which is about a half 5k) and gonna shower and write and relax and then head to work... sleep is good :)

activity partner(s)

that is one of the most important thing missing in this life these days, activity partners who will play will me... tennis partners... softball workout partners... gym partners... running partners... we won't even get into sex partners here as that is yet another story for yet another entry for yet another blog... as the years have passed i enjoy the solitary exercise i used to love (long runs especially) less and less and i want to share the physical fun more and more, so i find myself letting much needed rest and other necessary fun (like writing, playing mind games, reading, and communicating with others) take the place of solitary physical activity and without an activity partner that means not enough physical activity so... thinking about this...

anybody wanna play [insert activity] with me? :)

yeah, right

so after dropping a bit of revealing connection type information here for the offering for those who care enough to explore beyond the body thoughts, i chose to push through the abdominal distress and play softball (running hard, hitting well, pitching even better, yay) and then fast food frenzy the body tonight, including the mountain dew... so far, the body is not screaming in rebellion (if we do not count the ear ringing that warns of the blood pressure which is definitely high after the fast food and sugar-caffiene rush), but the wisdom behind the impulse knows better...

still, it turns me on (the physical pleasures of life, that is)... i so relate to the messenger character in city of angels even if the body thinks that just might be suicidal thinking... loving the hedonistic life for as long as it lasts...

and how are you? :)

ups and downs

the severity of change that would usually happen when i make a commitment to change habits and drop some serious weight has not happened, but some change is happening in spite of an extremely busy schedule that does not allow time for recovery/rest or other basic chores like routine laundry and house cleaning and so on... the lack of daily interaction with the only person with a healthy influence does not help at all as the hedonistic influences and habits are a powerful force, but we'll see if she cares enough to keep in touch enough to influence...

of course i know it is up to me to make changes in me for myself, but with no one to share the lifestyle, i don't feel like being even more isolated from people than i already am because of my different perspectives... the daily sharing is still with people who head to wing houses after games, for instance... and i just might would rather live fewer years with companionship than more years alone... deeper understanding into the current habits?...

yup... ups and downs...