solitary determination

well, i grew tired of looking outside of myself for inspiration to exercise (all along i had been hoping that living with someone in a body that is more than two decades younger than the body i inhabit would inspire me to be more active and exercise more but she works so much she rarely has time or energy and now has a relationship taking even more of her time lately so i hardly see her... maybe i needed someone three decades younger, or four, even lol...

everybody gets so old so fast in this life (ah, who gets my humor? :)

the foot, by the way, is doing fine... wrapped good and tight, no pain in the foot or the leg muscles... reasonable strain in both calf and abdominal muscles (sadly, signs of atrophy and aging are evident all over the dang body... alas, dissatisfaction keeps me alone, physically (can you hear my body sigh?)... somehow, i must find someone to laugh with me... preferably as we make love...

ok, back to the immediate physical reality... so i jog/walked another 5k tonight and i realized how much backsliding i have been doing living outside of myself so much so whatever, there are no excuses outside of myself and here are the numbers...

ten laps... 3:34.0 4:14.3, 4:16.7, 4:17.9, 4:18.8, 4:43.6, 4:39.8, 4:54.4, 4:26.8, 4:07.7... 43:34.0 total time... an approximate 5k, possible a bit longer, but close enough to let me consistently call it a 5k... and after a full day at work and being awake 14 hours... not too bad, but shamefully pitiful compared to what i know the body can do it it is not wasted away... so what will i do now... rest... the more important questions is what will i do tomorrow...

i did not have running partners as a kid... or a teen,... or a young adult... i was a solitary runner... love and the desire for a relationship was an inspiration, but it was just me out on the road day after day, mile after mile... it was loving the feeling of the high during the run and loving the feeling of fitness and awareness after and between the runs... so is the solitary determination that drove me to run a 2:40 marathon (that is 2 hours and 40 minutes) once and sub 3 hour marathons more than a dozen times return before it is time to die?... will the solitary determination that drove me to run a 4:40 mile (that's four minutes and 40 seconds) once and many sub five minute miles and routine sub 6 minute miles return?... routinely running 15 miles in 89:54 minutes (that's 89 minutes, 54 seconds - averaging sub 6 minute miles for 15 miles)?... and 60 or more miles a week...

mostly those are just memories now, not realistic goals considering the years of backsliding i've allowed this body to do... a few years ago, maybe five, i run/jogged eight miles in just under ninety minutes... but can i, on just my solitary determination, return to consistently running again, not just jog/walking, without dying first?...

one step at a time...

better and better

this weekend was the biggest challenge to date... i decided to try walking without any support, that is no ace bandage or sneaker, just arch-less moccasins for an extended period (all day out at parks and then at downtown disney) and the news is great - no direct injury related pain until after several hours and then it was not enough to stop, though i started limping a bit as evening approached... even better, the day after was fine (just slight discomfort) and i decided to keep going without any support... the point was to test the stability of the foot and ankle and it passed with flying colors...

so i feel confident it is healing well... i will still wrap it well and use a brace when i play sftball because i don't want to accidentally take a mis-step in the heat of the game and i will generally walk with some arch support just cuz that is better for the foot and the planar fascia is prone to fascitis for months or even longer after a rupture, but it was great to pass the test of walking almost barefoot and being on my feet for 6-8 hours... it's been a long time since the initial injury, for sure...

and even more good news - all this introspective body talk actually helped someone (thanks for the comments) which makes posting this even more positive... and one more thing - thanks to the best friend and roommate i could ever have asked for cuz without her, this foot/ankle might never have healed as it has and i could very well have pushed it too hard too fast and caused a permanent injury that would have prevented running again - especially cuz my health insurance ran out just when i should have started physical therapy... yay for best friends... and thank you dear anonymous commenter for reminding me :)

good weekend

saturday was softball practice and since only seven people showed up we did batting practice which let me pitch a few hundred pitches and field my position and take a few dozen swings and that is the kind of practice i personally need much more than the other types of practices and the foot/ankle held up well... stress aching, but no direct injury-related pain worth noting, just discomfort... the best results yet from the foot testing... and after the 6 laps on friday, this is definitely good news...

sunday i woke early and felt wired and went for a brisk walk with a little bit of run and then rested and then did 20 minutes on the elliptical at level 7 down to level 3 and clocked 1.64 miles and around 180 calories (calories was an estimate) and pulse peaked over 150bpm... then went to the weights and used 80 pounds for 3 reps each on the two upper body machines and another 2 more on the pull down and felt it good (hurt so good, huh?)...

today is a rest day, mostly, especially since the weather is really wet and windy (bands of Isaac)... good day not to have to go outside...

chicken fat

yeah, you know... we walk/jogged 4 laps and then jackson went in for a shower cuz she has work soon and i walk/jogged another two laps with the fifth lap being the most jogged lap... the good news is the foot/ankle is healing well, the stamina is not completely gone (though it is, by my standards, horribly pitiful and i'd be content with a 50 minute 5k at this point)... the lap is .31 miles which makes 10 laps a 5k and that'll be the first distance goal (the first goal is wake up and do it again soon, monday or tuesday at the latest... tomorrow is softball practice at 10am... maybe sunday since i am not playing softball on sundays yet (i think must check schedules)... time goals will wait until i complete 10 laps at least once or twice... a 5k in september is not too far fetched...

slow, very slow, and not too steady, but progress...

slight delay

yeah, so last weekend was a slight fiasco when it came to the rehab process as my morale was flushed down the toilet and blah blah blah so i skipped this week and distracted myself with intellectual fun and food and yeah, probably put on a pound or few (though i must say i have been amazingly disciplined during these past almost four months (yes, 4 months) of inactivity as i have not gained a net pound from the day of injury through today even with some gain this week, which, is you've read me and know how much i love food {and how much food is a comfort and how much i've needed comfort during this first serious injury of this lifetime and new very lonely rehab process, not to mention other major life changes any good therapist would welcome my money to discuss for months, at least... psyche, aye?}, is quite seriously outstanding will power, discipline, and healthy habits... even moreso as my roommate has gained weight during this period, partly because she is exercising less because her primary exercise partner {that would be me} is, alas, off his feet a lot)...

anyway, perhaps it is time to renew the rehab mentality and while avoiding the critical strangers who have less sensitivity than i would like (it is sad that i must accept a lack of a supportive caring world once again, but then, that is the world i was born into and accepted it very young, so the fact that naivety and hopefulness survives in me as it does is, again, pretty amazing... so i'm a pretty amazing dude, aye?... well just look at all this positive self-talk... jackson would be so proud), stepping out to social physical activity (softball fields) again next weekend... enough grumbling about set backs, not quite full speed ahead, but forward... next weekend (oh go ahead, i'm laughing at myself :)

foot report: walking better, faster, jogging a bit with discomfort but no sharp pains... ankle report, similar... still very wobbling and not pivoting well, not putting full body weight on it yet... leg report: muscles occasionally cramping, weak but improving... body report: blah blah blah blah... eat better, exercise more, sex would be nice...

neck, ear, head, foot

checking in with the body, the neck has been aching all day since i woke, the usual nagging... stress?... blood pressure?... fatigue?... diet?... lack of exercise?... body position?... other?... whatever, i've hardly sat down today because the foot and leg need exercise and the neck too as too much sitting in the recliner at the laptop can aggravate the neck (which is why the pain in the neck is puzzling)... anyway, the upper body used the 10 lb dumbbells about ten minutes every hour... that (exercise) often relieves the neck pain but not today... maybe more rest, i mean real rest (de-stressed rest, which is challenging to do these days)....

and then the ear is louder than it's been in weeks, at least, so i am increasing in crankiness as the hours go by... an ordinary mind might have gone off the deep end, i mean unhinged, i mean broken down or something (audio torture induced mental illness?) by now... and if that's not enough, the head is hurting a little, probably from minimal food intake and no caffeine, but definitely third on the list... the good news is that the foot/leg is fourth on the list of pains today in spite of being up and standing and walking most of the day... hooray for good news...

now if i only had the solution to the neck and ear (besides ignoring it, which i've done for years now... doctors don't seem to take it or me seriously, probably because i don't want to take their pills... doctors are way too dependent on pills, probably because they satisfy most people who accept relief of {or masking of} symptoms as a cure... and tests are just more expensive every year and most doctors don't know enough to read advanced tests anyway... and medical malpractice has driven many doctors to have as little actual contact with patients as possible... where is dr. house when you need him, huh?... and come to thing of it, who can afford dr. house and all the tests he runs... who pays for those, anyway?... ah, but seriously would an mri and cat scan of my ear and head and neck tell them anything?)...

body thoughts, aye?

progressing

took a walk friday more than previous says and then went out friday night to play cards and didn't get back until saturday morning which is the longest the sneaker has been on in almost three months and and then i didn't sleep saturday and went out saturday during the day and then again saturday evening and then finally got a little sleep sunday morning and then went out sunday afternoon to shoot a basketball around and then for another long walk and then to the gym and walked 15 minutes on the treadmill at 2.5-2.9 mph (did some upper body work too) and then, home to rest... the busiest weekend for the foot in three months and it survived... there is muscle and ligament pain today, but no more at the injury sites than at the other muscles that were minimally used for almost two months and only slightly more used the past month... so when do i run?... another few weeks, maybe... getting better all the time...

walking better

still painful, but once i get moving the pain is much less as long as i wrap it just right and tie the sneaker right, i can walk a good distance... some muscle ache in the foot and achilles and a bit in the calf afterwards, but walking better and getting better... just have to be careful on uneven surfaces... extremely careful, actually, for the stability is very weak and wobbly, but getting better...

timing bad, m'ok?

yeah, it is not good to leave a job and suddenly be thrust into a job search the same day as boot removal... so i have not been using the boot or crutches for almost two weeks, but i am also not walking much... my days are spent sitting here online searching for jobs and the motivation to dress and wrap the foot and tie on the sneaker is minimal... luckily happiness, the wonder dog, begs to go outside a lot and likes to pull and walk... the pulling is challenging, almost pulling me off my feel or off balance so i almost hurt the foot and ankle... must be very careful (and a little hard on him cuz i cannot afford a re-injury what with needing to go on interviews when they finally come and no health insurance for months, bad timing, m'ok)... the good news is the foot is doing better... i am walking slowly on flat surfaces with minimal pain... dangerous are the slopes and bumpy surfaces (so stay off the grass)... just need to focus on more consistent (and more) exercise and stretching and more exercise... careful physical therapy rehab, must do it myself, motivate, careful, must... and rest, must get back to sleeping regularly... and eating regularly... stop letting this bummer job search distract me... positivity...

that is all for today, mostly a reminder :}

neglecting updates

neglecting the rehab too while i'm at it... yeah, the loss of work (i believe it was the day after the last entry here) my desk at work and i parted ways... that has left me sitting at this laptop revising resumes and cover letters and searching the job market and finding very little out there, nothing that will pay what i've been getting, so, depressing week... the body was feeling the effects (affects too) and that gave the foot yet another week of rest, but not the physical therapy or activity it needs... though not wearing the boot or using the crutches all week has been good (challenging though) for the foot... need to focus on rehab and shake the blues... alone, sigh, unless you feel like coming over and helping (what?... you think i write all these words on the web for my health?... ummmm, well, yeah, that is the primary reason, but i could keep them private, after all... i put them out here for you to read hoping you {somebody} will be interested in coming closer, becoming a friend, maybe even close... anybody out there?)... and that's the body update for today... sigh and all...

he walks the night

well, being nocturnal is nothing new, but walking outside in sneakers without crutches for the very first time tonight was new and exciting and not painful enough to consider it a mistake... to the car, to the restaurant, back to the car, drive 45 minutes home, and back from the car to home... yay, the foot survived... no trips, no stumbles, no falls... and no increase in swelling or pain afterward, even without extended elevation... recovery faster than ever (oh, what am i saying?... softball?... patience, aye?)... yay, the healing is happening...

shhhh, let's not leap to any conclusions...

still, the foot

healing is happening and some walking on the foot is happening, but the reaction from the plantar fascia is not great so the walking is minimal and very low pressure... i should be ok getting to our seats for la cage aux folles thursday and saturday if i call ahead and arrange to walk to the aisle before the crowd... our seats are center of a long row thursday and third row left center saturday, so once i get there i show be ok... i still haven't found time to call the doctor and they haven't called me back (which is so typical and yet, still sad) and my guess is they will do little, maybe suggest an expensive oprthopedic insert for when i can finally get a shoe on... swelling still happens after walking, the ligaments are healing slowly... the pain at the site of the tibia break flairs if i put too much pressure on it or try to turn the ankle... there is more range of motion, just not much... not being able to walk is getting old, not to mention not being able to run...

and so it goes as time goes by...

pushing the foot

getting a little better every day as long as i keep the boot on when i am walking, but more walking than i want to do cuz work is so busy... healing continues... top ligaments and plantar fascia still swelling after walking... the plantar fascia remains a throbbing knot after walking... the fracture stings a little after walking... some muscle burn achilles and others... more skin itching... still didn't get a minute to call the doctor for a rescheduled appointment... must make time tomorrow... so tired... must get the rest...

potty training

the human body is really built inconveniently... i refer to the physical need to empty the bladder daily, usually a few times a day or more even if the choice is to drink a healthy amount of fluid, and empty the bowels more or less daily... everything in our modern culture is built around toilets, bathrooms, rest rooms, water closets, lavatories, johns, or whatever we choose to call the place we leave our excrements... imagine a life without having to poop and pee and wipe and wash every few hours or clean the bathroom, for that matter... these are some thoughts that being immobile have inspired lately as every trip to the bathroom is a painful chore...

healing a plantar fascia rupture

the plantar fascia rupture is going to be the biggest challenge and obstacle between me and getting back on the road running and playing softball and racketball and tennis and basketball and any other activity generally requiring two healthy feet... resting the foot after walking on it around the apartment, just to the kitchen and back a few times cooking and to the bathroom to shower and turning around in the shower a few times and walking happiness out to the lawn, maybe a hundred or so steps of varying pressure (only a few dozen full weight in and out the shower)... and now feeling the plantar fascia swelling and throbbing is diminishing after two hours of sitting here elevated... so the pattern appears to be it becomes inflamed and swells after walking, less so with the boot on (about half the time) so it must have more to do with the flexing of the ligament than with the lack of elevation and what i need to know is whether flexing the plantar fascia is a positive step or a negative step in the healing process... consult the doctor this week...

and how are your feet today? :)

was good for a while

and then, i hopped around a bit cooking dinner and cleaning up... maybe the mistake was not wearing the boot because not the plantar fascia is aching throbbing and curling the foot oddly and i probably should wear the boot or a splint more often to maintain the natural arch or something like that... there must be something other than the full boot for this... alas, i wish i didn't miss the doctor's appointment... and i wish the doctor's office called me back like they said they would friday...and i wish this foot would heal already... anyway, there is improvement and maybe this is the healing process for a plantar fascia rupture... think healing thoughts...think healing thoughts...think healing thoughts...

twinges of my left foot

dangit be careful with me, i am delicate, fragile, sensitive... or is it the other way around?... listen to me, as you wake in the middle of the night because the bladder demands emptying, don't forget you are not supposed to put weight on me (these are the twinges of my left foot) or i will recreate the pain that sent you to the doctor weeks ago and keeps me in a boot now almost five weeks later... not to mention the broken sleep patterns... if you want me to heal, don't tread on me (even if you don't get all the references)...

hoping for better

did the good thing, working hard for the cure, or healing, or something like that... walking way more the past two days than in the previous almost five weeks and while there is throbbing numbness and some swelling and sharp pains now and then, i feel good about the healing this week... could that be partly due to the supplements?... flax oil, walnuts, and the usual vitamins and lean protein... so optimism shines through tonight... hopefully throughout the weekend... time will tell... it is likely that i will too...

this week is the best yet for the foot, though it still hurts too much to put full pressure on it and i still cannot move the foot without major pain (signs of the ligament damage)... the plantar facia is almost definitely ruptured, which is not good news... i hope the last four and a half weeks didn't slow the healing process or do more damage, but probably not... i did the damage myself by playing another game and a half, pitching, batting, and running on the foot... dummy... not going to the doctor right away, accepting a PA's diagnosis after telling the PA what i did (continued playing for a while) lead the PA to misdiagnose on multiple levels... alas, the bottom line is i immobilized the foot and have not walked on it since getting the boot two days after the injury, which is right treatment for a ruptured pf (hey, i wonder if that's where pf flyers got their name), so maybe no excess damage done...

still hurts and takes a long time to heal...

the continued swelling makes sense too... and the top of the foot ligaments are definitely torn too and the same treatment, immobilization, so again, just time, time time... and we already have the diagnosis of the fracture of the base of the tibia, so that stinging pain now and then there shouldn't surprise me... i've got to figure out how to speed up the ligament damage though... linseed (flax)... and rest... dangit...

much better without the walking

though i didn't eat anything but nuts today... i can afford to lose weight, but the foot needs protein and balance... taking vitamins and a few supplements... out of walnuts though and fish oil doesn't have the right fatty acid and the omega-3 hasn't arrived yet... and i still have the weeks work clothes in the laundry in the dryer... and i didn't take a shower... but the foot is much better when i do not walk on it and when i do not try to hop around the house a lot... the healing continues... minimal swelling too... the diagnosis is confirmed more with each passing day... no rhoids, that's good news... wish there was something other than rest and wait i can do... even exercising other body parts makes the foot hurt more as the blood pressure and pulse rising makes it throb and it is not easy to not move the foot muscles at all when trying to push other muscles no matter what the exercise... dealing with the frustration and impatience as well as i am able... writing it out helps... and that's the body thoughts for today...