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yes, 3:20.9; 4:16.3; 4:05.8; 4:29.6; 4:02.9; 4:34.9: 4:14.4... 29:04.8... best time yet... finally some improvement... still mediocre at best, but doesn't suck as much when there is at least a bit of improvement... recognizing that i did not get passed the initial surge of lactic acid and breathing... there are lots of tips and advice for breathing for runners and non-runners alike... it is second nature to me from years of running but it is something i am forgetting (are you forgetting the face of your father, roland?) as well... the key is getting passed the initial lactic acid rusg and initial oxygen panic, that first out-of-breath feeling, and then maintaining a steading pace so the breathing pattern brings enough oxygen in (and gets enough carbon dioxide out) to allow a sustained pace and not a situation where breathing becomes more labored with each lap... i know what i mean better than i can explain it, the point is i was not remembering this and therefore giving in to the initial oxygen panic... dummy...

still, for sure a long long way to go and weight to drop... i am completing the first lap without stopping the last few jog/walks, which is a good sign... and while strain during the jog/walk, no shin splints and no pain during recovery, another good sign... so continue...

is it now or never again?

sure is starting to feel like that... how quickly we fade... ok, so 5 laps, temp 77, humid 31 the weather is beautiful for running, but the body was not... definitely atrophies and lost a lot during this two week down time and during this away from jogging running time... the muscles especially... feeling the lactic acid burn so early and the drag before the end of the first lap (though it was a faster than usual lap, still... 3:42.2; 4:56.6; 4:45.4; 4:27.4; 3:59.6... still in control enough to bring the last lap back down under 4 minutes, but still, wasted after the first lap and i have jogged faster than 3:30 laps before... pathetic is not too strong a word at this point... 21:52.0 for the 5 laps, but pushing the same time for another five would have been an unreasonable expectation as the 6th lap would have likely been over 5 minutes by itself... so maybe a 45 minute 5k, which is definitely pathetic for me (no offence to anyone who is happy with a walk/jog, but my goal is to get back to actually jogging the entire 5k and that is a 30-35 minute pace... sub 30 is still the long term goal... but it seems ridiculous at the moment as i am heading in the opposite direction way too swiftly...

wah wah wah, lament will not help for the long term, but licking the wounds to psyche and ego might get me back out today... i have not taken my brace or running shoes off and yes, i put on my running shoes and not my sneakers... seriously misjudged my muscle tone, resiliency, and stamina... shame, this is a shameful waste of human life...

and now, it is recorded here... motivation or misery, time will tell...

recording this moment

reaching back this week i ate minimally and relatively healthy for a modern human in this fast food processed culture, humus, pasta, nutes, a sandwich or two of processed meat and cheese... lite mayo, lite butter substitute, ketchup... i dropped some weight... and i skipped sleep too much, though sleeping more when the body asked than according to a daily clock...

in the past 36 hours i slept about four hours... waking for this current awake period about 26 hours ago... in the first twelve hours i walked, worked on the computer, watched tv, cooked, ate dinner, and along about the 13th hour started feeling sleep calling... it was then that i showered and dressed and went out to a card party... for the first time this week i drank caffeine (iced tea) and ate meat and chocolate in abundance... i played cards until about four hours ago and then drove home...

in the past three hours the body rose from fatigue to rejuvenated, the mind from groggy to clarity, the eyes from blurry to an acuity i have not experienced in several, perhaps many months or longer... while i feel body fatigue, i also feel calm, at peace, and more consciously aware of the moment and surroundings than again, in perhaps many months or longer... i write this now to record these moments for i would not mind learning precisely how i arrived here and how to repeat the process/journey...

is it the chocolate?... the sugar and fat?... the meat? (the meat was re-processed meatballs in a sweet-sour tomato-cranberry sauce made by one of the people at the party)... the caffeine (which certainly should have worn off by now, except for the amount in the chocolate, as i drank the last of the tea, just 24 ounces or so, about six hours ago)... or are the chemicals in the foods just a catalyst providing the energy to allow the mind (and eyes) to wake and return to a clarity (and acuity) that has long been buried in fatigue from overwork and external distraction...

the latter seems the most cogent explanation...

certainly logic suggests that sleep is required some time today if i am to go out tonight as planned, but at the moment i am in a very relaxed (not wired) awake place that is not asking for sleep, rather, is asking for more mental stimulation and more interaction...

so for all the whining and complaining and pain and self-destructive body and other thoughts that have been here and elsewhere, i felt recording this moment of clarity as related to the physical experience of being in this body in this time and space would be of benefit if only to remind me that it does happen...

twinges of my left foot

dangit be careful with me, i am delicate, fragile, sensitive... or is it the other way around?... listen to me, as you wake in the middle of the night because the bladder demands emptying, don't forget you are not supposed to put weight on me (these are the twinges of my left foot) or i will recreate the pain that sent you to the doctor weeks ago and keeps me in a boot now almost five weeks later... not to mention the broken sleep patterns... if you want me to heal, don't tread on me (even if you don't get all the references)...

water not boarding

so as i was saying (elsewhere), i miss daily showers... and i don't remember often enough, but as a kid and teen and young adult i would take at least two showers a day, often more... hot steamy showers and icy cold showers... water, especially hot steamy shower water, was one of my best friends... for the skin stimulation and for the manipulation of body temperature... it was meditation, exercise, all sorts of other intangibles and reminded me of how focused i can be in the physical world when i wanted to be... saunas and hot tubs and icy pools took the place of showers for a while, but these days, sigh, alas, sigh...

it has been some time since i had that cuz the hot water here is maybe 110 degrees, maybe less or a little more cuz i can turn on all hot and step into it, slowly, but still don't need to gradually raise the temp as i did when i was younger and even after standing under the all hot for ten minutes the skin is not even close the bright red almost burn that i used to push to back then... but at least i still take daily showers... most days...

i have been skipping a day or even two in showers cuz of the foot and finally took a shower and though the foot misses the boot and is more swollen and throbbing (though not as bad as it has been, though that could be the aspirins too), the clean feels so good... so very good...

i have forgotten the face of my father (metaphorically speaking as i never knew my father, but that's another story)... i hope i remember to take advantage of both feet when they are both working again... i don't have to live like a refugee, after all :)