promises, promises

did i promise?... did i challenge myself to a goal in front of a friend?... that does make it more binding, after all... yes, tonight i told someone who actually seems to care about me (this is the body talking) that i would drop weight to under 200 pounds by may 1... of course if i took it seriously, i'd probably go for 190 by may 1... just cuz i'm crazy like that and i do not like to restrict my hedonism for too long... the key to all this will be maintaining smaller portions and more balance and less binging on three pound bags of m&ms and decadent cakes with ten ounces of hot fudge and... hello?... oh, was i telling?... ok, so maybe tonight is the first night of a new adjustment to the lifestyle and a return of the physical sensuality beyond the taste buds and rush from foods... of course the real change will be the return of the abs and i didn't exzactly promise that, so there's still that huge seriousness to stop ignoring and brushing off with silly asides and goofy sarcasm and ridiculous rationalizations and insane excuses and delightful self-mockery... oh, blatant honesty is so much fun...

but seriously, i so appreciate the friend :)

obviously not enough

Dear Brain,

Yes, playing softball twice a week is better than nothing, much better than nothing, actually (and hopefully it will be twice a week, though for the moment it looks like it might only be once a week, dammit), but it is obviously not enough. Do you hear me brain? I am slowly dying at a gradually increase rate with each lazy year and if you do not send signals to the legs to run more and to the other muscles to exercise more, I will be dead (and that just might be the end of you, for all we know). Besides, I will perform much better (and you will be much happier, especially your ego) if you get me in better shape.

Sincerely,
Your Body

rambling in the moment

in the news of the body, weight remains stable after three days of much less restrictive eating, which is a good sign... and now I start the strict eating for a few days to drop another few pounds and hopefully the process will continue to work... this is the first week I have had no word (or anything else) from the kidneys, which is better than previous weeks and hopefully a sign that they are f8inally close to cleaned out and adjusting to the new energy and food processing levels... I'll give the doctor a call in a few days cuz she should have the results of the lab tests she ordered by then and we shall see how the sugar and carb restrictions effected the lab levels... if they're substantially improved, maybe I'll treat myself to my own ultra-decadent kind of mac 'n cheese... ice cream, chocolate, and any other sweets shall wait another couple of months until the weight is in what I know is my healthy range...

I feel the drag as I consider taking a night off from the gym cuz the muscles could benefit from rest, and then I feel the please stop and let me rest tonight please from the muscles for the first five or ten minutes at the gym, but then I feel the better feeling after I turn it up and spend 70+ minutes on the Lifecycle... kind of like how it was when I used to run, but the voices to stop are louder cuz they've had power for so long and the muscles aren't exactly as young as they used to be...

so I am continuing to roll through the daily cycle of pushing the body and rebuilding muscles and starting to feel the recycle, a longer wavelength or time period of changes that bring me back to being centered, being me... it's been a long time since I actually lived there, but the memory is becoming clearer with each step... day after day, alone on the hill...

last night was day eleven

I have been, in a much less formatted form, keeping notes and recording stats about the gym work. I am not sure just what I inteded to do here, keep it brief, find something meaningful, keep track of the re-building of this body I inhabit... but then, nothing happened here. Words are so transient, like everything else. What may seem profound one day is utter nonsense the next. The best we can do is continue sharing what feels real. And is anyone reading, listening, hearing, caring? Or is all this just for me. Why put it out here then. Maybe just to laugh at myself as I am doing right now. The good news is eleven consecutive days of pushing aerobic exercise is happening with continued gradual improvement. Yay. Maybe I'll have more to say next time.

aging

I suppose it happens to all bodies, but it seems to happen to other people a lot faster than me... maybe because I was running marathons for a while, but I think it is more a perspective, an attitude, and in many ways, a choice... on the other hand, I've lived a live-fast, die young kind of life and while I am rather inactive these days, for about seven years I partied hard putting poisons in this body in mass quantities... it could be that, even though I stopped the poisons and have maintained the energy level of a child well into adulthood, that the this body might suddenly hit a wall and crash because it can not survive the energy level I produce in my mind... so I wonder if I should low down and if so, when...

in recent years I've noticed that the recovery process after exercise slows with each passing year... it does not help that I've been inconsitently exercising, going for months without any... it does not help that I still indulge my taste buds to high caloric, high carb, high sugar, and sometimes high-fat meals (in extremely large portions) as if I was still exercising daily and had the metabolism I had in years past... metabolism is definitely slowing, but I wonder how much is due to time, and how much is due to lack of exercise...

I shall hopefully have the answers to these questions in the next weeks and months as I embark on another renewal of daily exercise (any day now) and fewer eating binges... smaller portions, several meals a day (instead of one or two), less fat and carbs (mostly it's pizza and cheesy pastas, ice cream, Code Red, and chocolate), and more active exercise... yeah, that's the ticket (though I'm not sure to where... but I'm on my way... again :)

maintaining is the hardest part

ok, so we shall see if this new adventure in keeping in touch with this body I inhabit will continue for more than one entry... ultimately, the purpose here is to fry the fat out of my brain (and body) and leave clarity (and fitness)... of course and semantic genius can tell you that the difference between fitness and fatness is a simple typo, but be that as it may be or not to be, we begin...

four days, hardly any food... if I exercise, I may survive... we shall see...