wow, cellular memory

i forget almost every time in every conscious way when i disassociate myself from the physical shell (and the body laughs it's maniacal suicidal cheesy grin laugh as it does not have much choice and it knows it on that cellular memory level that the consciousness avoids so often, but every now and then a glimmer of a glimpse, a sliver of memory slices through as if to be placed on a slide and probes by an electron microscope (cuz that is how thin a slice it is most of the time) and when the brain turns on it's subatomic eye to perceive (because it is beyond human sight as we know it) the cellular memory, the brain floats through a sea of emotions made of every extreme as the temporary journey of life saves it from the utter despair and depths of depression that the daily suicidal choices would ordinarily bring to the ordinary normal mind...

thank goodness i am abnormal...

and the body sighs, laughed out, and blinks back into existence for the briefest moment before blinking again back into oblivion... this is life in human form in this world at this time and i finally fit in...

such a waste, and yet, a success... would amy be proud?... would the others who thought me too idealistic and lacking in common sense when i refused to conform and die, living dead cuz that was the way everyone chose?... and what if i chose to wake now?...

does anyone understand?

:)