oh fk xmas food

there's just too much of it... and much of it is chocolate, which is really too much dam pleasure for my own good... rising back above 190, i wonder where i'll stop... nothing a good sex partner couldn't put an end to...

freaking thanksgiving

all north americans seem to do is eat... there's a restaurant every mile, or ten feet in most places, and fast food growing on trees... of course the irony or whatever of the metaphor or simile or whatever is whatever...

not still losing weight, obviously, not exercising as much either, though playing five games of softball a week and working longer hours is leaving me exhausted... not exercised out good exhausted, just exhausted...

apologies from the brain to the body...

major pain

i sit here trying to keep my right knee above my heart while balancing a plastic bag full of ice on it and still typing on the laptop on half of my lap cuz it's very swollen, the knee, not the lap or laptop, cuz i am suffering the slings and arrows (actually, not-really-soft softballs) after tonight's travesty, i mean game... i took myself out after the second inning cuz i felt the swelling cuz a ball travelling at least a gazillion miles per second (ok, seriously, at least 90 mph, very possibly higher cuz we think the team we played uses juiced bats that exceed the asa bat speed limit) hit the inner side of my right knee and it hurts oodles...

that was the first ball hit during the game... the second ball hit was just as hard and it hit my right hand and glove and bounced past the second baseman all the way to the right fielder, ouch... and the third ball hit struck my glove and bounced over the head of the second baseman into right field... yes, hard hit balls... the team we played was dangerously under-rated by asa softball classifications which made for a dangerous situation, especially for the pitcher...

so major pain for the body and the hope that the swelling and damage doesn't make walking too challenging tomorrow and the rest of the week cuz i've got another game to play (skipping the thursday game) sunday...

how are you? :)

soup is too salty

though low calorie, soup is way too salty to be a steady diet and the weight of fatigue and blood pressure (sensing it, not measuring it) is draining the body these days... as lack of full REM cycles is catching up with the aging brain and lack of sleep is catching up with the body and over-eating (even when dinner is soup and yogurt, back to one huge meal a day in the evening is not right) is weighing both down and raising the blood pressure to unhealthy levels (that's a sense-judgment as i don't make time to check the actual blood pressure these days for the same reason the place i live in is a wreck, no time... and that is both physically and psychologically uncomfortable so change the dang habits, fool)...

thank you for the good advice...

bloating up again

stupid is as stupid does and i am doesing stupid good these days, but though it very well may be a possible sign of suicidal tendencies and is most likely a cry for help, the end may not be about to be just yet, we hope... the weight cap is hopefully going to top out at 190 (instead of 220, which was the max cap for a while in this decade and in the eighties too, ironically, both decades i held professional office jobs and reduced sleep to ridiculously minimal levels and neglect myself in almost every way, a recipe for disaster, the death kind, so wake up and save yourself, myself, right?)...

ok, hopefully this is the wake up call... loneliness and feeling unloved and missing being cared about and all that poor-me stuff is placated by food... but if i do not really want to die, things will change again...

video game diet update

i stopped to play a video game that helped me focus on dropping the weight i piled on during a few years of imbalanced diet and when i returned to daily blogging more than ever, i find the past month has unfocused the balance i had achieved in the diet and have regained at least ten of the almost forty pounds i lost during the two or so months of what i semi-jokingly called the video game diet...

ironiculous

ridicuny?... yes, well, i am here... the game broke and i am here... i pigged out on pizza and chocolate and chips and the stuff i had not had in months this week, and i am here... i dropped 40 pounds as of last week and gained back 10 this week and i am here... ironic?... ridiculous?... silly me, making good progress, but what fun is progress without some slippage... three steps forward, two steps back, and one to the side... that's the ticket... the great news is i now consider 185 fat... imagine how out of touch i was when i was over 220... playing softball 4x a week... doing a bit of running... working way too many hours... eating mostly very healthy (in spite of the divergence of this week)... the body smiles, the mouth laughs, the happy medium is on the horizon... life is good, even though it's still lonely, it's very good... how about you? :)

circular motion

yeah, up and down, back to 192, back to 199.8, and round and round and round again... that was may... focus just was not there... maybe it was the disappointment in the people (softball teams, work colleagues, old friends, the human race, all the little things)... maybe it was the unresolved (uninvited?)... maybe it was (was?... isn't it still is-ing?... like now?) just boredom fueling the ambivalence that replaced the joyous optimism and hope and belief in love and life and pleasure and caring and sharing and peace and love (did i meantion love?) and happiness and romance and passion and idealism and beauty and promises and love (mustn't forget the love) and the dreams... maybe it's just getting old...

so why am i still giggling?

fall and rise

focus got me all the way down to 192 and then, unfocus got me back up to 199.2... not 200 thoughg, so maybe there's something to those famous last words i uttered here recently... so 190 by june 1st?... another crash end of month rally?... can't be too good for the heart and other vital organs, but madness runs in the brain... poor body, it is only a pawn in the brain's insane delusions and madcap adventures... if only it wasn't alone, aye?...

dropping weight

focused (fasting, hard core, maybe dangerous at this point in the life time line, but being me, it's what i do) and into the mid-nineties determined not to rise back above 200 again... famous last words or something prophetic or whatever, time will tell me and then i'll probably let you know too...

yeah, we shall see :)

could just die i suppose

then i'd lose lots of weight... ah, but the fact is, i actually stopped eating for the last three days of april and ended up 198 pounds when i stepped on the scale at a moment after midnight... suddenly, hunger is not as important as something else (and there's nothing else here)... and the taste buds are sleeping... and i was reading 213 on the scale just last week... must be crazy, no doubt...

insanity is fattening

some time a few weeks ago or longer than that i sort of made a committment to myself in front of another person who asked me to make the committment which makes is bigger than me and usually that matters to me cuz i have not yet completely given up on life and humanity and love and all that... so i told her that i would be under 200 pounds by may 1st and i'm still pigging out and actually rising... wow, aye?... my madness is intact and my taste buds love me...

face stuffing is a full time job

yeah, it is, you know it if you've ever done it... and delicious can be found everywhere, so unless i go nowhere and say no to everything, i continue to bloat enough to not drop under 200 pounds... but i've got a couple of weeks before the imaginary deadline and sort-of promise i made myself by telling someone else i agree to do it... and besides, the body feels much better not bloated, so why in the world would i continue trading a few minutes of oral ecstasy for twenty four hours of bloat each day... rhetorical, of course... get real...

fluctuations

the rise and fall of weight and motivation and mood and spirit and so on continues, especially the so on... dropping to 201 pounds and rising to 214 and back again, mostly because i am too tired and busy to want to discipline myself to actually drop the weight, but the semi-promise was made... under 200 by may 1... so i'll take it seriously any day now...

how why anyway

the good news is that i am somehow keeping in touch with the body just about weekly... the bad news is that the news from the body is only mediocre at best, though still is mostly like better than the norms for age gender and so on... goofing off too long, somebody kick me (in the physical space where it might do some good)...

whatever again

yeah, just mulling along rising and falling, but hey, dropping to 202 pounds this week... still fluctuating way too much to take it seriously... no motivation alone... if you see the one out there, tell her now would be a very good time to find me :}

alone, alas, alright

fatigue on the surface blows away with a good night of sleep, but the deep fatigue requires a few days, at least, of endless sleep and to truly rebuild the body at the cellular level and be reborn, it can take weeks of rest, real rest, which does not include any waking with an alarm clock or pushing the body or mind... i don't have time for that... and alone, alas, i take refuse in the hormonal comforts and escapes and releases that come from the chemicals in foods... i know what works for this body, but i over do it and keep an extra thirty pounds on the torso that produces even more fatigue, but on another level, slows everything down (which is exactly what i need)... so i will be alright, because instinctively i know what to do in these ridiculously workaholic times... a vacation would be sweet, a change of life would be best, but for now, the survival skills survive...

enough?

yeah, just keep swimming, but maybe i should have paused and thought about not eating the the second can of pineapple... burp.

just keep swimming

yeah, that's the ticket... just keep moving, that's the best i can do these days... the past week pushed the body to sleep deprivation because work had so much to be done and three nights were busy (two softball and one dinner) and so there was no gym time and no self-focus time and minimal writing time (which is a sign of over-business, if you know me) and so, the weight loss deal probably didn't make much progress but just keep swimming, just keep swimming, ya know...

and who's noticing, anyway? :}

ups and downs

the severity of change that would usually happen when i make a commitment to change habits and drop some serious weight has not happened, but some change is happening in spite of an extremely busy schedule that does not allow time for recovery/rest or other basic chores like routine laundry and house cleaning and so on... the lack of daily interaction with the only person with a healthy influence does not help at all as the hedonistic influences and habits are a powerful force, but we'll see if she cares enough to keep in touch enough to influence...

of course i know it is up to me to make changes in me for myself, but with no one to share the lifestyle, i don't feel like being even more isolated from people than i already am because of my different perspectives... the daily sharing is still with people who head to wing houses after games, for instance... and i just might would rather live fewer years with companionship than more years alone... deeper understanding into the current habits?...

yup... ups and downs...

promises, promises

did i promise?... did i challenge myself to a goal in front of a friend?... that does make it more binding, after all... yes, tonight i told someone who actually seems to care about me (this is the body talking) that i would drop weight to under 200 pounds by may 1... of course if i took it seriously, i'd probably go for 190 by may 1... just cuz i'm crazy like that and i do not like to restrict my hedonism for too long... the key to all this will be maintaining smaller portions and more balance and less binging on three pound bags of m&ms and decadent cakes with ten ounces of hot fudge and... hello?... oh, was i telling?... ok, so maybe tonight is the first night of a new adjustment to the lifestyle and a return of the physical sensuality beyond the taste buds and rush from foods... of course the real change will be the return of the abs and i didn't exzactly promise that, so there's still that huge seriousness to stop ignoring and brushing off with silly asides and goofy sarcasm and ridiculous rationalizations and insane excuses and delightful self-mockery... oh, blatant honesty is so much fun...

but seriously, i so appreciate the friend :)

hedonism is fun

the pattern continues, i mean, the pattern of careless fun with some measure of disregard for the body just continues and i am enjoying the heck out of it on so many levels... busy with work so much that i skip lunch just to get the work done and get out at a reasonable hour... busy with fun and games after work, softball, game nights, dinners and movies and such, so there is no time to even think about anything deeper than the fun of the moment, no less feel anything other than the fun of the moment, and assorted sundries... so the bloat remains, rising and falling with whim and weather... and the body ages faster than it has to, even though it is still at a rate slower than the average human norm... and does anybody care?... maybe, but not close enough to have any real influence... let's face it, hedonism is fun...

sigh :}

forgetting again

it's like i have selective alsheimer's or something, or perhaps it's just selective amnesia, but i am back to accepting laziness and bloating on food and too much sugar and fats and carbs and so on and so forth and being all buddha belly... it's like i am deliberately indulging my taste buds and other sensory stimulus because nobody else is around to share or care... in fact, that is what i am doing, cuz the physical experience is so much fun... but does that keep me from attracting someone who is attractive to me?... seems so, but then, what do i know...

duh...

gotta get your abs right

what would be good for this body more than anything, i think, would be finding motivation to remember that i have abs… there was a time when a thousand sit ups was a piece of cake… now, a piece of cake is all my abs see… and used to be i’d be motivated by the prospect of sex, but as much as i still enjoy sensuality, my high abdominal standards have crashed and burned in the past decade… sad, cuz everything is so much better when the abs are right…

food

the body needs balance most of all... the body needs food to live and yet, the body craves all sorts of physical/sensual stimulation and when food becomes the dominant one, or worse, the only one, health suffers and everything else follows and no amount of exercise can change it... don't let that happen...

(anymore)...

don't lose it this time

i mean the motivation to live, dammit... the decadent snacks are still everywhere and the belly continues to beg for bloat and the taste buds continue to crave fat and sugar and grease and crap and the body continues to crave for carbs and sugars and chocolate drugs and we must change the habit, we must retrain the metabolism to not crave large quantities of sugars and carbs at every meal... we must retrain the body to digest the proteins...

ok body, so talk

yeah, well, ok, so... was it last week?... the 27th, to be precise, so... saturday?... yes, twice on saturday 40 minutes each time on the elliptical machine with improvement... a mile in 12 minutes, then 3 miles in just over 40 minutes the first time... and 2 miles in 24 minutes, with 3 miles in 38 minutes the second time... and then monday (cuz sunday the gym was too crowded, but i did jog on down)... 2 miles in 21 minutes with a 3x10 rep 4 station (40 down curl, 50 curl, 105 seated bench press, 105 pull down) upper body workout (arms/chest/upper back) prior to the elliptical... and now today, fourth time in 6 days, 1 mile in 9:50 and 2 miles in 20 minutes with the same 3x10 rep (60/60/120/120) after the elliptical (avg mph 5.7, avg pulse 138)... all 4 workouts i made a peak pulse of at least 160 and maintained an avg over 130... no sharp pains, some burn, no lingering aches, feeling in touch and in control... definitely felt the sugar rush from the party last night (and the four hours sleep), but continued progress/improvement is a good sign even though there is a very long way to go (months, at least?) to return to optimal weight and satisfactory condition...

so we're not dead yet, but stay tuned :)

gym log

12/27 day, 42 ellip (elp), just under 3m(min), 12m 1st(mile)
12/27 eve, 42 ellip, under 12m 1st, 24, 2nd, 38m 3rd
12/29 eve, 22 elp,11m 1st,21m 2nd,4station 3x10rep(40/40/105/105)
1/1 day, 22 elp, 9:50 1st, 20 2nd, 4stat 3x10rep, (60/60/120/120)

yay, now just continue...

time for me

screaming through a runny nose that has me hacking enough to actually pour nighttime cough/cold medicine down my throat still is not keeping me home or increasing the sleep time so desperately needed for fighting off the bugs inside and rebuilding the frayed immune system that is allowing this cold/flu bug to take hold... no rest for the idiot desperately seeking attention and social interaction... i know it is the holiday season when social opportunities are frequent and hiding out leaves us all the more lonely all year, but sheesh... and i know he isn't trying to kill me, but he sure is not taking care of me right... somebody smack him and put me to bed for a week... preferably with an adorable nurse...

sincerely,
the body

still the same (or worse?)

feeling the blood pressure higher than it should be due to the bloat around the major organs and excess weight and sleep deprivation and now, fatigue induced head-cold symptoms... add not sleeping well to the physical discomforts and suicidal tendencies... hope i wake up and remember how to live before i die...

why hast thou foresaken me?

woah, getting biblical on my ass, am i?... well, the body has it's own irreverent sense of humor and as it does speak out here, i occasionally respond as i am doing now (so who is really in control?... oooo, the question cuts the air like a razor wire)...

ummmmm, in spite of the frequent softball, the eating habits remain over-indulgent for the taste buds and ignore the bloat signals sent by the stomach and other vital organs in the torso, leaving the ridiculouso sign flashing on the forehead for anyone with a third eye to see... so when will the gym become a regular part of the routine and when will i remember what stamina really means and when will i start taking the resistance against gravity and the natural aging forces seriously...

ever?...

there's something burning somewhere... and i think it's me.

aches and bloats

all this farting around about taking care of me has me hurting and feeling neglected and lonelier than ever... yeah, it's me, the body... i don't get to talk nearly as much as i should given the title of this blog, but i sneak a few words in past the babbler and mind-people when nobody is looking in the wee hours, usually after i get put to bed right after dinner cuz i am begging so hard for the extra rest... i really need to find better ways to get what i need...

yes, bodies have needs and i know how the mind-people hate the word and the concept, except maybe when it comes to a good love song or some really fine milk chocolate, wait, the latter is me too, but that's besides the point (oh no, i'm not sure if i am a babbling body or if the babbler is taking over... can a body have an out of body experience?...

ahem... the costocondritis thing still tears into my chest when i sneeze or cough, so i try not to but the mind-people cannot always control me... i've been able to play softball with less pain and i think the pills are helping a lot... some long chemical name starting with g and a half dozen other herbal-type pills (i trust the mind-people to keep track of that stuff, i mean, as much as i complain about them sometimes, they have kept me alive and kicking {and kicking hard} for a long time) are helping a lot...

i am still quite bloated most of the time though... eating too much in one sitting does that... and eating too much of the fattening stuff... though it tastes so good... not enough exercise, for sure, cuz even though i play softball several times a week, i do not actually work out as much playing softball as i did going to the gym... the aerobics are much less and the duration of intensity is much less and i do hope i get dragged to the gym soon and more often...

what about right now?... aches and bloats and costo-whatever?... good excuses... there's always hope, right?... yeah, i remember how to throw the mind-people's words back at them... nyuk and all... hopefully next time i find myself at the keyboard i'll be less achy and less bloated... all in all, it's been a great life for a body... lonelier than i'd like, especially recently, but still a great life...

hope your mind-people gave you one too :)

apparently not listening

so the rest is not coming, the unpacking is slow, and the stumble in the soft sand let the high pop-up slam down on the left chest wall (better than the face, aye?) and now, after the emergency room ruled out a heart/lung crisis, costochondritis wherein the cartlidge between the ribs is inflammed, and even more specifically, tietze syndrome, where swelling spreads the pain, is a constant visitor (cuz it only hurts when i breathe)... from the er to the softball field (to pitch seven full innings and win) proved the er was right, but the pain, maria, but the pain... can i stop breathing for a while?... and moving?...

more than bloat

there is a numbness and a swelling in places, the hands, the right arm, the bruised areas, but also the muscles... bloat, yes, and overworked, but more (age?), not enough sleep for complete recovery... a few days off for sleep (and unpack, but that's another story) would be wise... listen to the body talk, body talk...

return to bloat

of course the horizon may be farther away that it appears, or than we want it to be, alas and all, as the old habits change ever so slowly (but change they do, even ever so slowly) and the body talks so rarely, so i reeport on it for it, sort of, from the skewed perspective of being blind to it much of the time... the body gets older, gets better, slides back, gets better, but yet, it is far from where it was even when it was just ok and far from where it wants to be (and may never be there again) and so compromise comes hard, but must come... anybody care? (i mean besides my body)...

semi-bloat

i can sometimes, in these wobegon days of yore, reach a point of semi-bloat if i remember to stop consuming the sensory staff of life for a week or so, which is what happened last week... and then, the weekend, and old habits revisted (along with the old roommates) and the bloat inches back... still, the turning may be on the horizon...

brutal heat

the heat over the weekend was brutal on me... he ran around and pitched out there in the blazing sun for hours on saturday and again on sunday and even with gallons of fluids i was drying up and feeling the heat and started cramping in all sorts of muscles when i finally sat down... even rib cage muscles... wow, i never cramped in rib cage muscles before, that was odd... hurt too, but stillness prevailed and i survived and i better get down to the gym more if i'm gonna keep playing softball this much... feels good after the rest :)

sometimes sleep

is all the body really needs...

not that the bloat goes away, but the pounding in the head does... no eating after six pm and sleep, that would be a good habit to get into... if only i would still not wanting to do that all by myself... shhhh, it's a wonderful morning, let's continue that :)

ya know, for a body, you've got a pretty good head :)

bloat me

so i slowed down the taste buds and cut back on portions and feel more bloated than ever (pattern continues) and i still wish there was someone outside of this body who cares as much as i do (and more, right now, cuz apathy is killing me - listen to your body talk).

bbbbloat

two days of eating a bit more sensibly (would have been four, or even five, but influences arrived to change the path) and yet, still feeling bloated... it is amazing what you do to me (says the body)... so uncomfortable... so undermining... so dumb...

yes, thank you body, i can use all the positive pep talks i can get, not that i listen, even to you... but hey, you've got your space to complain, suggest, vent, even fantasize about girls on treadmills... how come nobody uses the pool around here?...

one day at a time...

in this body

there is a distraction before me
a girl on a treadmill
fast walking, no running
i wonder if she runs
her buttocks is calling
not strongly, but loudly
i would like to hold her
i think it would be fun

and i wonder what would happen
if i told her i loved her
i have never met her
except to say hello
and to ask a simple question
what time does the pool close
she answered with a smile
it seems no one knows

her body was born when i was older than she is now
i wonder how much that matters to her, and how
i wonder if she'd be my friend
i wonder if she'd just pretend
to be polite... i wonder what she would allow
but i sit here now

writing my thoughts because my belly is bloated
this body is not ready for sharing today
how can i give comfort when i am uncomfortable
i am not ready to come out to play
one on one with a stranger today
but what has being ready got to do with anything
anyway

i came here to read your words and to respond
yet the physical world is distracting me
if her face was adorable i might overcome
the discomfort i feel in this body

so here i sit in the gym writing
instead of doing exercise
i can look in the mirror and see a fool
dying right before my eyes
if i laughed at him
would it come as a surprise?

she just walked out the door
while i sit in the kiddie room
ironic isn't it, well it is from here
the child inside meets doom
writing in the kiddie room
always wanted a toy box
to be my tomb

i came here to read your words and to respond
yet the physical world distracted me
but now the room is empty, everyone is gone
except the chatter of the tv
and the discomfort i feel
in this body

but still i feel hope
for at least i am still alive
in this body

body aches

it has ached better (have i?), but still it's better than it has been and yet it bloats from waist to fingers and muscles whisper what a fool i've been (yes, you have)... but only in the physical world (ummmm)... only in the physical world (where do you think i live, idjit?).

the right arm, especially what is called tennis elbow even though mine comes from pitching a softball close to a thousand times a week, is stiff... the legs, especially calves, are stiff from all the steps of the move (second floor to second floor)... and while the arms and legs beg for food, especially protein but also all the other food groups, the extra 20-30 pounds that is the belly remains an intruder slowing me down and getting in my way (obviously diet will not change this, nor the exercise of running and lifting and softball i do... it's gonna take (shudder) abs work... yes, abdominal exercise... sits ups, which used to be a favorite as a younger child and an ego boost as a teen (as i was confident i could do more sit-ups faster in one sitting than anyone at school, just as i was confident i could out-distance run anybody as well), the same sit-ups that are not the dread of dreads for this body when it comes to exercise... obviously, the body needs a good fit sex partner...

don'tcha just love my obvious solutions... obviouslies (eye roll, pppllleeasse:)

obviously not enough

Dear Brain,

Yes, playing softball twice a week is better than nothing, much better than nothing, actually (and hopefully it will be twice a week, though for the moment it looks like it might only be once a week, dammit), but it is obviously not enough. Do you hear me brain? I am slowly dying at a gradually increase rate with each lazy year and if you do not send signals to the legs to run more and to the other muscles to exercise more, I will be dead (and that just might be the end of you, for all we know). Besides, I will perform much better (and you will be much happier, especially your ego) if you get me in better shape.

Sincerely,
Your Body

bummer

Word came that one of the softball nights was cancelled due to not enough players for a new team. The word came that a second softball night only has five males signed up and needs at least another male and four females and so the second night might not have enough players for a new team and that will leave just one night. The third night team is set and I am trying to stay positive about it, but it would appear at first glance (based on the emails being exchanged) that the league is mostly college kids. Hopefully that will not be too alienating for me. Stay positive.

yay!

Signed up for three nights of softball each week starting at the end of June. The heat will be brutal, but the exercise will be life-saving (we hope) and the fun will be fun (we hope). Still need to be exercising with more regularity, but it is good when mind and body act together for the betterment of both.

and so it goes...

mind over body is real when it is real... actualization is a choice... focus is the key... belief is the answer... doing is the way... and the body says thank me...

stepping out

of the blue... an early morning run-walk from pathetic to poor, but movement none-the-less... so easy the mind forgets and then, the muscles forget... as if something changed, age, time, atrophy, entropy, whatever... still, regular vigorous movement is a good thing, even when pathetic... there is hope for better again...

almost every week

or so it seems... the story continues even when i am writing in retrospect from memory or fantasy or fictional prophesy... it only hurts when i laugh... or move... or sit still too long... and isn't that what i have been doing for years now?... or at least months?... mostly every day?... and that is time...

less sleep

just when i thought i could not cut sleep time down any further and still enjoy an active successful life, i am sleeping less than ever before in this life (who says such madness is for the young?... and who says i am old?)... and you tell me i, body, am bold, brazen, but also a fool on the edge of death due to living without sleeping...

and eating twice as much as i need, if i was sane, i'd ask for a lobotomy.

if i was crazy, i'd give myself one.

instead, i sit here wishing someone would come along and share the living beyond sleep deprivation and sensual stupor none have yet to share in this life... dreaming wide awake, drifing through the starry starry night like a comet, acting as if i will never burn out.

body talks, who listens?

more bloat

as if suicide is painless and the bloat did not keep me lonely because i will not lay with one as pathetically self-abusive as myself, i eat another plate at yet another all-you-can-eat buffet... waiting for someone to save me or waiting to die, whichever comes first... of course i can save myself, but just once i'd like to let someone else do it cuz i've never known what that felt like...