ok, two

as in two days in a row... 4:02.1; 4:28.1; 4:29.4; 4:36.2; 17:35.8 for 4 laps which might have been a 22 minute 2.5K, maybe, and this track appears on the long side of the measure so eh at least until i am doing a 20 minute 2.5K and then eh until i am doing a 40 minute 5K and crap to all the woulda could should crap... deal with real times, real conditions, real physical life (to survive)... 61 degrees, humidity 86%... dang humidity takes so much out when the muscle and lung stamina is this low... lactic acid pain during the first lap and shin splints by the third lap, i don't think this body has even been quite this out of shape and recovery time has never been so long both for muscles and for lungs... and this was after relatively decent sleep and meat protein last night... must change habits... wah wah wah... do it again tomorrow or shadup...

...

yeah, well, whatever

ok so i stepped up to the plate over the weekend and it was good overall, baby steps for sure, and besides all the whining about insensitivity from some strangers new to the team who seemed to expect me to be able to run on rough surfaces without any ankle support (simply, i went to watch the game and the game was rained out so a handful of people went to a soccer field for some hitting/fielding practice and when i declined to participate because i was recovering from the first test the day before and had come out without ankle brace or any wrap in shoes for the first time {yeah, not even sneakers with better support) i was told i was making excuses... just walking on the uneven surface was a relatively new experience for the foot/ankle... and maybe it was meant to be friendly teasing (from strangers?), but being frustrated with my inactivity already and just a sensitive child, i took a walk and nurtured myself since nobody out there cared to and then whined to myself as i sorted through clothes, so to speak - thanks harry for understanding)...

the body became quiet depressed and i don't want to go through that again, so i will skip the sunday afternoon team for rehab and wait for the other teams where a bit more sensitivity might actually happen... sometimes i really don't care what anyone thinks, i just want to take care of myself my way and even if i never really have family or a nurturing environment, i'd rather be alone sometimes than put up with people's insensitivity (selfishness, machoness, egocentricity, call it whatever, people suck sometimes)... set back?... yup...

and that's what the body thinks today...

otherwise, aside from some ache, no bad news from the foot... just must remember how important attitude, encouragement, support, confidence, and preparation is in this rehab process (especially if nobody else does)...

too much walking

especially too much walking without the boot... happiness just woke me again to go outside... so much for sleeping in and getting the rest the foot needs... frustrated... i just don't feel like going through the whole process of putting on a sock (which is painful and i've got to wash socks today) and then putting on the boot just to go to the bathroom, kitchen, or the lawn for happiness... but a dozen trips to the kitchen, a half dozen trips to the bathroom, and a half dozen trips to the lawn have taken a toll... i didn't even get into the shower or do laundry and have to find the foot strength for both, dangit... i love him, but happiness was challenging and took more foot than intended... he just doesn't wait, bolts out the door (gave me a couple of painful rope burns earlier this year) and can pull me over if i am not ready and really stable on the crutches and this morning he caught me off guard and pulled the leash out of my hands before i could negotiate the newspaper sitting right in the doorway... he can also get out of his collar... i had to yell at him to come back and i definitely put too much pressure on the foot... i feel bad cuz he needs exercisse... but the foot... hopefully it's not too much of a set back for the foot... the extreme throbbing is back, as is swelling... the pain has been a lot worse though... it just hurts a lot, not the max extreme... but enough to want no more walking on it today... still need to shower and do laundry and eat though, so maybe for a six or eight hour, at least though... if i take happiness out again i'll put on a dirty sock and the boot... need more sleep but happiness and the foot say no... alas, the weekend was supposed to be rest...

when the first stop is here

it's either very good or... seriously not good... the foot is throbbing enough to immobilize me... here i shall sit until morning, pee bottle next to the chair... work had to be done... it was a very good day, amazing if you know, but not so much for the foot... today was a day that tested the foot seriously, i put more weight on it than i have since the day of the injury, walked more since the day of the injury (and it wasn't that much) and the swelling and pain is back with a vengeance now that i finally put it up... more aspirins please... sheesh...

freakin foot

i gave in and took four aspirins some time during the late morning because i was not gonna work well without them cuz of the distraction... and now i am not sleeping at the moment because of the same distraction... about 80 hours without any pain medication tells me the injury is more foot than ankle and it will not be healing in a week or two, dammit... i did not move the doctor's appointment up, even if i should have, and am still taking it day by day... it does not appear to be getting worse... the swelling is way down, though still present throughout the foot and ankle and a bit of the lower leg... the pain is localized (when off pain meds) to the outer (anterior) center foot (bone or connective tissue) and the outer (left front) foot/ankle connection (connective tissue) the rear right space in front of the heel (two chips off the tibia) and just behind the ball (bone or soft tissue, i had immediate bubble swelling there after the twist so i either popped a blood vessel or disclocated a foot bone, either way it seems the pressure of continuing to run on the foot for another hour and a half after the injury reset or pressed out the bubble)... also dealing with more muscle cramping aching from the inactivity and the redistribution of muscle use...

feel free to sympathize and if you are a really tolerant understanding infinitely patient nurse, feel free to come over and wipe my brow now and then... an occasional hug/cuddle wouldn't hurt much either...

sheeesh...

puzzling pain

ok, so there are times when i can put full body weight on the heel (as long as i am not moving the rest of the foot) and actually walk a few steps without pain (unless that is just the aspirins, which is all i've been taking so far, about 12 a day until today) and there are times when no matter what, there is throbbing pain - no movement at all, elevated or down (more down), throbbing totally distracting pain...

and then there is the boot... at times the boot immobilization-by-pressure reduces the pain and allows me to walk a few steps with out crutches or support without pain, but after a while for some reason (reducing circulation or overheating perhaps), the same totally distracting pain... and then taking off the boot and pressing the foot gently on the floor (stimulating circulation and muscle movement) feels much better after hurting at first... so maybe it does have something to do with temperature, too chilled and there is pain with every twitch so immobilization is needed... or perhaps it's just too many twitches... too warm and/or too little movement (immobilized in the boot) and evelated too long (limited circulation) and there is pain... must find a balance...

of course it could just be the meds... more aspirins... call doctor tomorrow for something stronger since aspirins are going to eat my stomach... of course something stronger might eat my liver and kidneys just as much... the body is not happy... how are you?...

ankle results

ok, the results are in, sort of... i saw sort of because the x-rays were read by a PA, not an MD or orthopedist or radiologist, and there is obvious broken fragments on the x-ray that the PA says were old... there was no pain prior, so how can it be old... i think he assumed i am like most people my age, sedentary, and would not notice...

so i have a bad sprain, either a grade 2 or 3 (can't tell until the swelling goes down and it really doesn't matter cuz the only difference in treatment is the grade 3 hurts more and takes longer to heal... grade 2 is a partial tear in the ligaments holding the ankle together and a grade three is a complete tear, the latter needing more support (cast/boot) for longer... and as i mentioned above, there are also a couple of bone chips off the bottom tip of the tibia... same treatment, immobilize... of course rich people and pro athletes would have had surgery already and be re-habed in a couple of weeks... i hope to be not much longer than that cuz i am too stubborn to sit for long and i want to get back to playing softball and running, but realistically i may be wearing this expensive boot for a few weeks (everybody says longer, i say wait and see)...

the swelling may have finally stopped, maybe, except when i walk on it or stand a while... driving a clutch in a boot is gonna be interesting tomorrow... life goes on, especially work...

sucks and hurts a lot, but sucks more... i have five softball teams scrambling for a pitcher now and i lose the time and factor in body age, that sucks sucks sucks more... stupid new reebok sneaker (poor support, slightly off-center base) and a wet poorly groomed surface caused it, but then, i chose to put that sneaker on and run recklessly on the wet surface...

sucks sucks sucks...

:}

so how's your body? :)

bloated in tally

so much yummy food today it was not even funny cuz i hung out with a co-worker on this business road trip who ate regular meal times and i of course ate larger portions and feel stuffed, as in stuff-fed... the nwhole idea of dropping weight before jackson moves back down is kind of out the window as she comes back down next week and i am max stuffed tonight... foolish games, stupid habits, but yummy, oh so yummy...

gotta get your abs right

what would be good for this body more than anything, i think, would be finding motivation to remember that i have abs… there was a time when a thousand sit ups was a piece of cake… now, a piece of cake is all my abs see… and used to be i’d be motivated by the prospect of sex, but as much as i still enjoy sensuality, my high abdominal standards have crashed and burned in the past decade… sad, cuz everything is so much better when the abs are right…

food

the body needs balance most of all... the body needs food to live and yet, the body craves all sorts of physical/sensual stimulation and when food becomes the dominant one, or worse, the only one, health suffers and everything else follows and no amount of exercise can change it... don't let that happen...

(anymore)...

still the same (or worse?)

feeling the blood pressure higher than it should be due to the bloat around the major organs and excess weight and sleep deprivation and now, fatigue induced head-cold symptoms... add not sleeping well to the physical discomforts and suicidal tendencies... hope i wake up and remember how to live before i die...

why hast thou foresaken me?

woah, getting biblical on my ass, am i?... well, the body has it's own irreverent sense of humor and as it does speak out here, i occasionally respond as i am doing now (so who is really in control?... oooo, the question cuts the air like a razor wire)...

ummmmm, in spite of the frequent softball, the eating habits remain over-indulgent for the taste buds and ignore the bloat signals sent by the stomach and other vital organs in the torso, leaving the ridiculouso sign flashing on the forehead for anyone with a third eye to see... so when will the gym become a regular part of the routine and when will i remember what stamina really means and when will i start taking the resistance against gravity and the natural aging forces seriously...

ever?...

there's something burning somewhere... and i think it's me.

apparently not listening

so the rest is not coming, the unpacking is slow, and the stumble in the soft sand let the high pop-up slam down on the left chest wall (better than the face, aye?) and now, after the emergency room ruled out a heart/lung crisis, costochondritis wherein the cartlidge between the ribs is inflammed, and even more specifically, tietze syndrome, where swelling spreads the pain, is a constant visitor (cuz it only hurts when i breathe)... from the er to the softball field (to pitch seven full innings and win) proved the er was right, but the pain, maria, but the pain... can i stop breathing for a while?... and moving?...

and so it goes...

mind over body is real when it is real... actualization is a choice... focus is the key... belief is the answer... doing is the way... and the body says thank me...

almost every week

or so it seems... the story continues even when i am writing in retrospect from memory or fantasy or fictional prophesy... it only hurts when i laugh... or move... or sit still too long... and isn't that what i have been doing for years now?... or at least months?... mostly every day?... and that is time...

more bloat

as if suicide is painless and the bloat did not keep me lonely because i will not lay with one as pathetically self-abusive as myself, i eat another plate at yet another all-you-can-eat buffet... waiting for someone to save me or waiting to die, whichever comes first... of course i can save myself, but just once i'd like to let someone else do it cuz i've never known what that felt like...

piggish complacency

there seems no end to this madness of piggish complacency, the oral fixation seduces me again and again and and taste bud orgasms multiply and the waistline expands, four inches, five inches, will there be no end to this growth?... will the body survive?... which will win, gluttony or death or some motivation to remember how good the body can feel when it is at it's peak condition?... the questions pass the time... the hands pass the cookies to the mouth... and laughter seems sick, yet it comes anyway...

Happy VD

Damn, a muscle tear hurts. Wish I could say it was overzealous love-making, or even wild mindless sex, but it was stutter-stepping between first and second in the softball game. Damn, damn, damn, just when I was starting to move around and feel like the athelete was not dead yet, a major set-back. Now it's rest, but will I?

Yeah, Happy Love-Day.