Bloat and Slight Gains

Maintaining the 34 inch waist, though the diet bring more gas and bloat. Laxatives and Whey Protein shakes will do that. Also the fat-free dairy products. Exercise helps push the gas through, but no gym this week doesn't help reduce the bloat. Being stinky might not be so appealing to the new roommate, but I sense it won't be an issue as it's a big house and he appears to be a very easy going guy who very much needs the income and wants someone safe around the kids. Some softball tomorrow, a charity tournament, so some exercise if it doesn't rain.

Still, I must get to the gym more.

Duly noted.

So Much Gas

The combination of laxative pills (two kinds, I'll be more specific another time), magnesium citrate, mineral oil, vitamins, the diuretic, perhaps the lisinopril, and the carbs certainly produces a who lot of gas. I wonder if it will be an issue for the new roommate or his kids. I'm supposed to get half the house, but with their bedrooms less than two feet from my bathroom and my bedroom less than two feet from the from door, well, we shall see. I learned that cutting back on the laxative regime will lead to a recurrence of bleeding, especially if I eat solid foods. Anyway, it was a pig-out weekend with a gourmet dinner in the middle of it and seriously sugar-filled carb desserts right up to the writing of this entry, so I will hopefully return to the weight reduction choices for the rest of the week and get to the gym at least a couple of times. Sleep would be wise too.

I must move my boxes from storage and pack up and move my stuff from here into the new place over the next two weeks. Exercise is good. Sleep is necessary. Talk me into it, aye?

G'nite, sweet princess, wherever you are.

Sleepless Stress

In spite of very poor and very limited sleep this week that lead to emo eating and poor-me blues and then, the bleeding started. Hard poop. The next day, chocolate, cookies, carbs, foolish. More bleeding. Not as much pain, yet. Then, tonight, the gym. The elliptical. 60 minutes, 7.17 miles, 128 pulse with the pulsometer. I don't think the elliptical pulse readings were accurate yesterday. Or the pulsometer isn't. I lean toward the pulseometer. The outer quads ached afterward. Protein helped. Orally I upped the laxatives, stimulants, Magnesium Citrate, and I added Mineral Oil. Topically I loaded up with the two meds that worked before. Gonna have to poop again, the cycle of pain, I wonder how bad it will get this time. And how long it will last. Hopefully this...

I fell asleep after "this, whatever it was.

Again (please)

Maybe if I am polite it'l work better. I do like to please. So Friday night I did two 30 minute sessions on the elliptical at level one. 3.39 miles for the first and 3.66 miles recorded for the second. I took a fifteen minute break between the sessions. Tonight I did 60 minutes straight with the first 30 minutes on level 2 and second 30 minutes on level 1 and 7.45 miles recorded. So second workout in three days and this one faster, longer, stronger. I followed the 60 minute session immediately with 15 minutes of cool down at about 4 mph. Breathing fine and could have pushed harder but was near enough a safe limit to feel great about it. Pulse was over 150 by the 10th minute and over 160 by the 20th minute and over 170 for the last 10 minutes. For as accurately as I could estimate based on the qonky elliptical machine pulsometer. I must remember to bring my own. Now I just need to do this a few times a week. Please.

M'ok? :)

Recommit (please)

Yes, I ask myself to recommit tonight because it is a choice and I hope I make the right choice. A pig-out day at work was stupid. Somehow I motivated myself to head back to work and get on the elliptical after getting back here from work after 7PM. Then I got serious. 30 minutes on the elliptical, the first five challenging, the second five challenging, challenging all the way to the 30th minute. The layoff showed. Still, 30 minutes and 3.39 miles. Working through stupidity (and grief, but that's another deeper story).

I stopped because I didn't bring water. I thought a bit. I played a phone game. I listened to the TV. I walked over to my office and put four 20 ounce waters in a bag and went back to the gym. I emptied the bowels and bladder and got back on the elliptical. 30 more minutes. 3.66 miles. The energy was juiced, but still challenging. Th best news is the stamina was excellent (compared to now, not compared to where I've been in this life. There was no heaving, no heavy breathing to catch my breath afterward. No cramping or muscle pain at all, anywhere (not even the neck) and the body was chilled as it is 58 degrees outside and 63 degrees in here when I got back and the hot water was just warm, so no warm up in the shower.

There was this soft almost euphoria and sense of stupidity. The stupidity was realizing how many days and evenings I made excuses not to go to the gym. Worked too many hours (I worked 12 today). Not enough sleep (I maybe not 6 hours last night). Too many days of low-cal in a row (I had less than 500 calories Sunday through Wednesday and Maybe 1200 calories on Thursday and then at least 3000 calories today). Temperature (air and water, see above). Excuses, bullshit excuses.

Every time I do this I face the stupidity of the avoidance of the gym and recommit to not empower the fears, laziness, procrastination, self-pity, self-destructive behaviors and the stupid thoughts that lead me to the decision not to exercise. It is so wrong. Such a wrong choice. So stupid.

Recommit.

Please.

Resetting the Set Weight

Obviously, things change. So I feel bloated and uncomfortable now at 180 when there was a time when 220 was my discomfort weight. With all the griping I've done in the past week about feeling bloated and needing to cut calories and being in the mid-180s, the house scale (lowest of the scales I use) read 174.8 this morning. That would be less than 180 n any of the scales I use as they are not more than 3 pounds apart. So I obviously need to adjust my set weight and realize I do need to be under 170 to be comfortable (at least until I add more muscle, if I add more muscle). This is good news in many ways, except the pants I really like are no longer available in 34 and I may need 32 waist more permanently soon. 30? I doubt it, but who knows if I start actually exercising daily again. Anyway, I just wanted to set the record straight on the weight since I fooled myself for the past week. I will continue the low-calorie daily intake until the weekend though and see how close to 170 I can get. Feeling good, though stressed about several life challenges (propane heater, moving, the usual loneliness, and probably more you can find elsewhere in other daily and other blogs).

This is good.

Pushing the Limits of Sleeplessness

It's actually well past 4 AM (wide awake, in case it matters and you understand) and the eyes are blurry and the body is stressing and I really should be sleeping but the mind will not go quietly into the night these days. I did not get to the gym because I did not have a change of clothes or proper footwear (lame excuse, of course, but they always are). I did keep calories under 1000 for the past 24 hours once again, which makes three days now. Tomorrow I am hoping to get out of the office and do some walking. Push, rest, push, rest, must return to that cycle and do it right. Say it again, it matters. Where are you?

Restart

Yesterday and today were calorie cut back days. The belly bloat must go. Even though I am still wearing the 34 inch pants, I don't like being in the 180s now. I'll wear 34 inch pants with a belt if I can't find 32 inch pants when I drop to 170. The body and mind are together on this desire now. So hope is strong that I will do it in spite of the holiday season. And exercise, I must kick daily exercise into gear. I did not sleep last night, so softball is all I am going to do, but they don't let me run (in spite of my showing them I can) so even on softball nights I must get to the gym. An elliptical investment in the new place, perhaps. Tonight, however, I will not push on no sleep at all and two large coffees during the day. Still wired after softball. Play the phone game, start nodding off, get sleep tonight. Tomorrow, continue low-calorie week (except for if Jackson calls for lunch for one meal as she might) and gym please.

Restart.

Laxiness

It's a laziness mixed with a lackadaisical whimsy (and love of food) mixed with laxatives and a whole lot of personal living space discomforts that kept me from the gym or any activity recently and put the wight back into the mid-180s, at least (though the 34 waste pants still need a belt), so I note that here with the hope that I will change that tomorrow. It's well after midnight and I am not sleeping too. Stress from many sides is not helping. Moving soon, which should help change the discomforts (change them, though they will still be there). Still, somehow, there is joy inside. I'm kinda sorta crazy like that. Even alone.