Recommit (please)

Yes, I ask myself to recommit tonight because it is a choice and I hope I make the right choice. A pig-out day at work was stupid. Somehow I motivated myself to head back to work and get on the elliptical after getting back here from work after 7PM. Then I got serious. 30 minutes on the elliptical, the first five challenging, the second five challenging, challenging all the way to the 30th minute. The layoff showed. Still, 30 minutes and 3.39 miles. Working through stupidity (and grief, but that's another deeper story).

I stopped because I didn't bring water. I thought a bit. I played a phone game. I listened to the TV. I walked over to my office and put four 20 ounce waters in a bag and went back to the gym. I emptied the bowels and bladder and got back on the elliptical. 30 more minutes. 3.66 miles. The energy was juiced, but still challenging. Th best news is the stamina was excellent (compared to now, not compared to where I've been in this life. There was no heaving, no heavy breathing to catch my breath afterward. No cramping or muscle pain at all, anywhere (not even the neck) and the body was chilled as it is 58 degrees outside and 63 degrees in here when I got back and the hot water was just warm, so no warm up in the shower.

There was this soft almost euphoria and sense of stupidity. The stupidity was realizing how many days and evenings I made excuses not to go to the gym. Worked too many hours (I worked 12 today). Not enough sleep (I maybe not 6 hours last night). Too many days of low-cal in a row (I had less than 500 calories Sunday through Wednesday and Maybe 1200 calories on Thursday and then at least 3000 calories today). Temperature (air and water, see above). Excuses, bullshit excuses.

Every time I do this I face the stupidity of the avoidance of the gym and recommit to not empower the fears, laziness, procrastination, self-pity, self-destructive behaviors and the stupid thoughts that lead me to the decision not to exercise. It is so wrong. Such a wrong choice. So stupid.

Recommit.

Please.