extended rest

since i have the time (as i am free of the responsibility of a daily job at the moment) to prolong the rest and inactivity part of this rehabilitation (for better or worse), i have been what we might call, extending the rest and even, lazy (not that i've ever considered that a possibility at any point in this life... if you would see me, you'd be seeing me pointing at the archives of this very blog as a starting point as i laugh at myself)... but on the other hand, all the reading i've done about planar fascia injuries suggests there are likely to be long term problems if rushed, so the luxury of this rest may be the best medicine and the work-ethic suicide pattern so normal in this world can just take a flying leap, na na na na na...

i am getting a might flabby though, so exercise would be wise too (just saying, in case i actually read this and take it seriously one day)... snarky narf :)

it is too easy to vege

especially when the love of writing draws me to sit for hours at the laptop tapping the keys, but not only that, the SPAM volume and internet distractions can take so much time away from active activities (as i spend an hour deleting emails tonight as i type these words realizing how much pigging out i have done lately and how work gets in the way of good rest, good sleep, and good exercise even more than the writing or distractions or laziness does, alas, the world is set up to kill us before we truly get to live and long before we have to die, probably because human beings would not be able to live peacefully given too much free time, at least not at our current evolutionary state, alas, alack, cha cha cha)...

perhaps i will survive the year and change my ways before it is too late...

there is always hope :}

yeah, right

so after dropping a bit of revealing connection type information here for the offering for those who care enough to explore beyond the body thoughts, i chose to push through the abdominal distress and play softball (running hard, hitting well, pitching even better, yay) and then fast food frenzy the body tonight, including the mountain dew... so far, the body is not screaming in rebellion (if we do not count the ear ringing that warns of the blood pressure which is definitely high after the fast food and sugar-caffiene rush), but the wisdom behind the impulse knows better...

still, it turns me on (the physical pleasures of life, that is)... i so relate to the messenger character in city of angels even if the body thinks that just might be suicidal thinking... loving the hedonistic life for as long as it lasts...

and how are you? :)

wow, cellular memory

i forget almost every time in every conscious way when i disassociate myself from the physical shell (and the body laughs it's maniacal suicidal cheesy grin laugh as it does not have much choice and it knows it on that cellular memory level that the consciousness avoids so often, but every now and then a glimmer of a glimpse, a sliver of memory slices through as if to be placed on a slide and probes by an electron microscope (cuz that is how thin a slice it is most of the time) and when the brain turns on it's subatomic eye to perceive (because it is beyond human sight as we know it) the cellular memory, the brain floats through a sea of emotions made of every extreme as the temporary journey of life saves it from the utter despair and depths of depression that the daily suicidal choices would ordinarily bring to the ordinary normal mind...

thank goodness i am abnormal...

and the body sighs, laughed out, and blinks back into existence for the briefest moment before blinking again back into oblivion... this is life in human form in this world at this time and i finally fit in...

such a waste, and yet, a success... would amy be proud?... would the others who thought me too idealistic and lacking in common sense when i refused to conform and die, living dead cuz that was the way everyone chose?... and what if i chose to wake now?...

does anyone understand?

:)

soup is too salty

though low calorie, soup is way too salty to be a steady diet and the weight of fatigue and blood pressure (sensing it, not measuring it) is draining the body these days... as lack of full REM cycles is catching up with the aging brain and lack of sleep is catching up with the body and over-eating (even when dinner is soup and yogurt, back to one huge meal a day in the evening is not right) is weighing both down and raising the blood pressure to unhealthy levels (that's a sense-judgment as i don't make time to check the actual blood pressure these days for the same reason the place i live in is a wreck, no time... and that is both physically and psychologically uncomfortable so change the dang habits, fool)...

thank you for the good advice...

bloating up again

stupid is as stupid does and i am doesing stupid good these days, but though it very well may be a possible sign of suicidal tendencies and is most likely a cry for help, the end may not be about to be just yet, we hope... the weight cap is hopefully going to top out at 190 (instead of 220, which was the max cap for a while in this decade and in the eighties too, ironically, both decades i held professional office jobs and reduced sleep to ridiculously minimal levels and neglect myself in almost every way, a recipe for disaster, the death kind, so wake up and save yourself, myself, right?)...

ok, hopefully this is the wake up call... loneliness and feeling unloved and missing being cared about and all that poor-me stuff is placated by food... but if i do not really want to die, things will change again...

circular motion

yeah, up and down, back to 192, back to 199.8, and round and round and round again... that was may... focus just was not there... maybe it was the disappointment in the people (softball teams, work colleagues, old friends, the human race, all the little things)... maybe it was the unresolved (uninvited?)... maybe it was (was?... isn't it still is-ing?... like now?) just boredom fueling the ambivalence that replaced the joyous optimism and hope and belief in love and life and pleasure and caring and sharing and peace and love (did i meantion love?) and happiness and romance and passion and idealism and beauty and promises and love (mustn't forget the love) and the dreams... maybe it's just getting old...

so why am i still giggling?

fall and rise

focus got me all the way down to 192 and then, unfocus got me back up to 199.2... not 200 thoughg, so maybe there's something to those famous last words i uttered here recently... so 190 by june 1st?... another crash end of month rally?... can't be too good for the heart and other vital organs, but madness runs in the brain... poor body, it is only a pawn in the brain's insane delusions and madcap adventures... if only it wasn't alone, aye?...

face stuffing is a full time job

yeah, it is, you know it if you've ever done it... and delicious can be found everywhere, so unless i go nowhere and say no to everything, i continue to bloat enough to not drop under 200 pounds... but i've got a couple of weeks before the imaginary deadline and sort-of promise i made myself by telling someone else i agree to do it... and besides, the body feels much better not bloated, so why in the world would i continue trading a few minutes of oral ecstasy for twenty four hours of bloat each day... rhetorical, of course... get real...

enough?

yeah, just keep swimming, but maybe i should have paused and thought about not eating the the second can of pineapple... burp.

ups and downs

the severity of change that would usually happen when i make a commitment to change habits and drop some serious weight has not happened, but some change is happening in spite of an extremely busy schedule that does not allow time for recovery/rest or other basic chores like routine laundry and house cleaning and so on... the lack of daily interaction with the only person with a healthy influence does not help at all as the hedonistic influences and habits are a powerful force, but we'll see if she cares enough to keep in touch enough to influence...

of course i know it is up to me to make changes in me for myself, but with no one to share the lifestyle, i don't feel like being even more isolated from people than i already am because of my different perspectives... the daily sharing is still with people who head to wing houses after games, for instance... and i just might would rather live fewer years with companionship than more years alone... deeper understanding into the current habits?...

yup... ups and downs...

still the same (or worse?)

feeling the blood pressure higher than it should be due to the bloat around the major organs and excess weight and sleep deprivation and now, fatigue induced head-cold symptoms... add not sleeping well to the physical discomforts and suicidal tendencies... hope i wake up and remember how to live before i die...

why hast thou foresaken me?

woah, getting biblical on my ass, am i?... well, the body has it's own irreverent sense of humor and as it does speak out here, i occasionally respond as i am doing now (so who is really in control?... oooo, the question cuts the air like a razor wire)...

ummmmm, in spite of the frequent softball, the eating habits remain over-indulgent for the taste buds and ignore the bloat signals sent by the stomach and other vital organs in the torso, leaving the ridiculouso sign flashing on the forehead for anyone with a third eye to see... so when will the gym become a regular part of the routine and when will i remember what stamina really means and when will i start taking the resistance against gravity and the natural aging forces seriously...

ever?...

there's something burning somewhere... and i think it's me.

return to bloat

of course the horizon may be farther away that it appears, or than we want it to be, alas and all, as the old habits change ever so slowly (but change they do, even ever so slowly) and the body talks so rarely, so i reeport on it for it, sort of, from the skewed perspective of being blind to it much of the time... the body gets older, gets better, slides back, gets better, but yet, it is far from where it was even when it was just ok and far from where it wants to be (and may never be there again) and so compromise comes hard, but must come... anybody care? (i mean besides my body)...

bloat me

so i slowed down the taste buds and cut back on portions and feel more bloated than ever (pattern continues) and i still wish there was someone outside of this body who cares as much as i do (and more, right now, cuz apathy is killing me - listen to your body talk).

in this body

there is a distraction before me
a girl on a treadmill
fast walking, no running
i wonder if she runs
her buttocks is calling
not strongly, but loudly
i would like to hold her
i think it would be fun

and i wonder what would happen
if i told her i loved her
i have never met her
except to say hello
and to ask a simple question
what time does the pool close
she answered with a smile
it seems no one knows

her body was born when i was older than she is now
i wonder how much that matters to her, and how
i wonder if she'd be my friend
i wonder if she'd just pretend
to be polite... i wonder what she would allow
but i sit here now

writing my thoughts because my belly is bloated
this body is not ready for sharing today
how can i give comfort when i am uncomfortable
i am not ready to come out to play
one on one with a stranger today
but what has being ready got to do with anything
anyway

i came here to read your words and to respond
yet the physical world is distracting me
if her face was adorable i might overcome
the discomfort i feel in this body

so here i sit in the gym writing
instead of doing exercise
i can look in the mirror and see a fool
dying right before my eyes
if i laughed at him
would it come as a surprise?

she just walked out the door
while i sit in the kiddie room
ironic isn't it, well it is from here
the child inside meets doom
writing in the kiddie room
always wanted a toy box
to be my tomb

i came here to read your words and to respond
yet the physical world distracted me
but now the room is empty, everyone is gone
except the chatter of the tv
and the discomfort i feel
in this body

but still i feel hope
for at least i am still alive
in this body

body aches

it has ached better (have i?), but still it's better than it has been and yet it bloats from waist to fingers and muscles whisper what a fool i've been (yes, you have)... but only in the physical world (ummmm)... only in the physical world (where do you think i live, idjit?).

the right arm, especially what is called tennis elbow even though mine comes from pitching a softball close to a thousand times a week, is stiff... the legs, especially calves, are stiff from all the steps of the move (second floor to second floor)... and while the arms and legs beg for food, especially protein but also all the other food groups, the extra 20-30 pounds that is the belly remains an intruder slowing me down and getting in my way (obviously diet will not change this, nor the exercise of running and lifting and softball i do... it's gonna take (shudder) abs work... yes, abdominal exercise... sits ups, which used to be a favorite as a younger child and an ego boost as a teen (as i was confident i could do more sit-ups faster in one sitting than anyone at school, just as i was confident i could out-distance run anybody as well), the same sit-ups that are not the dread of dreads for this body when it comes to exercise... obviously, the body needs a good fit sex partner...

don'tcha just love my obvious solutions... obviouslies (eye roll, pppllleeasse:)

almost every week

or so it seems... the story continues even when i am writing in retrospect from memory or fantasy or fictional prophesy... it only hurts when i laugh... or move... or sit still too long... and isn't that what i have been doing for years now?... or at least months?... mostly every day?... and that is time...

suicide comes in many flavours

maybe it's loneliness... maybe it's self-pity... maybe it's boredom... maybe it's self-destruction... maybe it's just giving up on people and therein, giving up on self... maybe it's fear of intimacy... maybe it's that insatiable tongue covered with insatiable taste buds that crave more and more of the ever changing myriad of flavours that entice and produce drugs, yes, drugs that stimulate, vigorate, titillate, and catalate all sorts of feel-good chemicals in the brain...

naaaa, wouldn't be that...

piggish complacency

there seems no end to this madness of piggish complacency, the oral fixation seduces me again and again and and taste bud orgasms multiply and the waistline expands, four inches, five inches, will there be no end to this growth?... will the body survive?... which will win, gluttony or death or some motivation to remember how good the body can feel when it is at it's peak condition?... the questions pass the time... the hands pass the cookies to the mouth... and laughter seems sick, yet it comes anyway...