solitary determination

well, i grew tired of looking outside of myself for inspiration to exercise (all along i had been hoping that living with someone in a body that is more than two decades younger than the body i inhabit would inspire me to be more active and exercise more but she works so much she rarely has time or energy and now has a relationship taking even more of her time lately so i hardly see her... maybe i needed someone three decades younger, or four, even lol...

everybody gets so old so fast in this life (ah, who gets my humor? :)

the foot, by the way, is doing fine... wrapped good and tight, no pain in the foot or the leg muscles... reasonable strain in both calf and abdominal muscles (sadly, signs of atrophy and aging are evident all over the dang body... alas, dissatisfaction keeps me alone, physically (can you hear my body sigh?)... somehow, i must find someone to laugh with me... preferably as we make love...

ok, back to the immediate physical reality... so i jog/walked another 5k tonight and i realized how much backsliding i have been doing living outside of myself so much so whatever, there are no excuses outside of myself and here are the numbers...

ten laps... 3:34.0 4:14.3, 4:16.7, 4:17.9, 4:18.8, 4:43.6, 4:39.8, 4:54.4, 4:26.8, 4:07.7... 43:34.0 total time... an approximate 5k, possible a bit longer, but close enough to let me consistently call it a 5k... and after a full day at work and being awake 14 hours... not too bad, but shamefully pitiful compared to what i know the body can do it it is not wasted away... so what will i do now... rest... the more important questions is what will i do tomorrow...

i did not have running partners as a kid... or a teen,... or a young adult... i was a solitary runner... love and the desire for a relationship was an inspiration, but it was just me out on the road day after day, mile after mile... it was loving the feeling of the high during the run and loving the feeling of fitness and awareness after and between the runs... so is the solitary determination that drove me to run a 2:40 marathon (that is 2 hours and 40 minutes) once and sub 3 hour marathons more than a dozen times return before it is time to die?... will the solitary determination that drove me to run a 4:40 mile (that's four minutes and 40 seconds) once and many sub five minute miles and routine sub 6 minute miles return?... routinely running 15 miles in 89:54 minutes (that's 89 minutes, 54 seconds - averaging sub 6 minute miles for 15 miles)?... and 60 or more miles a week...

mostly those are just memories now, not realistic goals considering the years of backsliding i've allowed this body to do... a few years ago, maybe five, i run/jogged eight miles in just under ninety minutes... but can i, on just my solitary determination, return to consistently running again, not just jog/walking, without dying first?...

one step at a time...

activity partner(s)

that is one of the most important thing missing in this life these days, activity partners who will play will me... tennis partners... softball workout partners... gym partners... running partners... we won't even get into sex partners here as that is yet another story for yet another entry for yet another blog... as the years have passed i enjoy the solitary exercise i used to love (long runs especially) less and less and i want to share the physical fun more and more, so i find myself letting much needed rest and other necessary fun (like writing, playing mind games, reading, and communicating with others) take the place of solitary physical activity and without an activity partner that means not enough physical activity so... thinking about this...

anybody wanna play [insert activity] with me? :)

second run

this week, that is... maybe the start of another increased exercise phase and maybe the start of a return to the physical me (if there is still time), but anyway... another timed lap count around the community, seven laps this time (this time?... did i even mention i timed a run/walk around the community one morning this past week?... 22 minutes and change for five and a half laps, setting my goal for the moment at under 4 minute laps for at least five laps... it was a nice cool morning and i slept until waking naturally cuz i went to bed shortly after getting home from work and while i missed writing and me time, yay for enough sleep and back to now again) with the final lap walked and the first ran and the five middle laps walked and run, or ran, whichever might work... this time i started the first lap off faster than last time (last time was 3:33 and this time it was just over 3 minutes) which, combined with the day time heat and the fatigue cuz i did not wake naturally, took it's toll so i didn't run three full laps as i did last time, but i still did the six laps in under 4 minutes per lap (23:31) which is the minimum pace i seem to have set for myself and the last lap walked in five minutes or so kept the seven laps under 30 minutes (actually 28:35 or so) so... it's a decently good day considering how long it's been since i actually was in shape by my standards (and will never actually be there again due to natural deterioration of the body due to time, but that reality does not have to be a downer as long as i once again reach maximum potential in the moment before i die... somewhere in my mind i always thought it would be this far along in life, just wish it didn't have to be, ya know?)...

well, maybe somebody knows :)

circular motion

yeah, up and down, back to 192, back to 199.8, and round and round and round again... that was may... focus just was not there... maybe it was the disappointment in the people (softball teams, work colleagues, old friends, the human race, all the little things)... maybe it was the unresolved (uninvited?)... maybe it was (was?... isn't it still is-ing?... like now?) just boredom fueling the ambivalence that replaced the joyous optimism and hope and belief in love and life and pleasure and caring and sharing and peace and love (did i meantion love?) and happiness and romance and passion and idealism and beauty and promises and love (mustn't forget the love) and the dreams... maybe it's just getting old...

so why am i still giggling?

don't lose it this time

i mean the motivation to live, dammit... the decadent snacks are still everywhere and the belly continues to beg for bloat and the taste buds continue to crave fat and sugar and grease and crap and the body continues to crave for carbs and sugars and chocolate drugs and we must change the habit, we must retrain the metabolism to not crave large quantities of sugars and carbs at every meal... we must retrain the body to digest the proteins...

rambling in the moment

in the news of the body, weight remains stable after three days of much less restrictive eating, which is a good sign... and now I start the strict eating for a few days to drop another few pounds and hopefully the process will continue to work... this is the first week I have had no word (or anything else) from the kidneys, which is better than previous weeks and hopefully a sign that they are f8inally close to cleaned out and adjusting to the new energy and food processing levels... I'll give the doctor a call in a few days cuz she should have the results of the lab tests she ordered by then and we shall see how the sugar and carb restrictions effected the lab levels... if they're substantially improved, maybe I'll treat myself to my own ultra-decadent kind of mac 'n cheese... ice cream, chocolate, and any other sweets shall wait another couple of months until the weight is in what I know is my healthy range...

I feel the drag as I consider taking a night off from the gym cuz the muscles could benefit from rest, and then I feel the please stop and let me rest tonight please from the muscles for the first five or ten minutes at the gym, but then I feel the better feeling after I turn it up and spend 70+ minutes on the Lifecycle... kind of like how it was when I used to run, but the voices to stop are louder cuz they've had power for so long and the muscles aren't exactly as young as they used to be...

so I am continuing to roll through the daily cycle of pushing the body and rebuilding muscles and starting to feel the recycle, a longer wavelength or time period of changes that bring me back to being centered, being me... it's been a long time since I actually lived there, but the memory is becoming clearer with each step... day after day, alone on the hill...

today

if I died today, would anybody notice?

when?

aging

I suppose it happens to all bodies, but it seems to happen to other people a lot faster than me... maybe because I was running marathons for a while, but I think it is more a perspective, an attitude, and in many ways, a choice... on the other hand, I've lived a live-fast, die young kind of life and while I am rather inactive these days, for about seven years I partied hard putting poisons in this body in mass quantities... it could be that, even though I stopped the poisons and have maintained the energy level of a child well into adulthood, that the this body might suddenly hit a wall and crash because it can not survive the energy level I produce in my mind... so I wonder if I should low down and if so, when...

in recent years I've noticed that the recovery process after exercise slows with each passing year... it does not help that I've been inconsitently exercising, going for months without any... it does not help that I still indulge my taste buds to high caloric, high carb, high sugar, and sometimes high-fat meals (in extremely large portions) as if I was still exercising daily and had the metabolism I had in years past... metabolism is definitely slowing, but I wonder how much is due to time, and how much is due to lack of exercise...

I shall hopefully have the answers to these questions in the next weeks and months as I embark on another renewal of daily exercise (any day now) and fewer eating binges... smaller portions, several meals a day (instead of one or two), less fat and carbs (mostly it's pizza and cheesy pastas, ice cream, Code Red, and chocolate), and more active exercise... yeah, that's the ticket (though I'm not sure to where... but I'm on my way... again :)