extended rest

since i have the time (as i am free of the responsibility of a daily job at the moment) to prolong the rest and inactivity part of this rehabilitation (for better or worse), i have been what we might call, extending the rest and even, lazy (not that i've ever considered that a possibility at any point in this life... if you would see me, you'd be seeing me pointing at the archives of this very blog as a starting point as i laugh at myself)... but on the other hand, all the reading i've done about planar fascia injuries suggests there are likely to be long term problems if rushed, so the luxury of this rest may be the best medicine and the work-ethic suicide pattern so normal in this world can just take a flying leap, na na na na na...

i am getting a might flabby though, so exercise would be wise too (just saying, in case i actually read this and take it seriously one day)... snarky narf :)

it is too easy to vege

especially when the love of writing draws me to sit for hours at the laptop tapping the keys, but not only that, the SPAM volume and internet distractions can take so much time away from active activities (as i spend an hour deleting emails tonight as i type these words realizing how much pigging out i have done lately and how work gets in the way of good rest, good sleep, and good exercise even more than the writing or distractions or laziness does, alas, the world is set up to kill us before we truly get to live and long before we have to die, probably because human beings would not be able to live peacefully given too much free time, at least not at our current evolutionary state, alas, alack, cha cha cha)...

perhaps i will survive the year and change my ways before it is too late...

there is always hope :}

omigeesh

aching like i have not ached in years mostly (we hope) because i laid off the exercise for a month or so and it was cold (30-50 degrees) this weekend and i was out 11 hours two days in a row and ate a lot of junk and drank a lot of sugar and caffeine and the body pain sensors are warping cuz of the daily aspirin and the muscle pain, elasticity, and regeneration is warping cuz of the statin drugs in the red yeast extract and age is starting to show signs of becoming the mointain it can and eventually will be as time passes in this life... as much as the brain wants to will the body to stay young forever, the body has other ideas it seems... and each time i feel this, it feels more alone... alas, the fun is worth it though (and the weekend was major softball, outdoor, friends and food fun :)

still, would be nice to feel a long warm hug now... in a hot tub lol :)

they call it pigaroni

well, somebody might... so i was exhausted a few hours ago after a long week of work and driving (two days out of town five hours there and five hours back and long full day meeting in between) and two days of packing and lifting and moving boxes of paper (office moving) and another ordinary long work day way back at the start of the week and naturally, not enough sleep in between so i leave work exhausted (did i mention i was exhausted?) and head to play softball (cuz i was surprised by a call yesterday and said yes cuz i love softball but didn't think about the fatigue, nor about the tournament i will play tomorrow and sunday) and after the game i am hungry and here's where the title comes in... taco bell pig-out... T6 and T4 and Beefy Crunchy box and 5-layer and mountain dew (just a medium and didn't even finish it and there are leftovers for tomorrow, three tacos, yeah) and now i am wired, totally wired, fool, should be sleeping and i am totally wired... should sleep, foolish and unhealthy not to according to conventional medical wisdom, but wired... totally wired... did i mention wired?...

eat crap and feel great, it makes no conventional medical sense, but hey, it is what it is... and so, somebody come on and convince me otherwise cuz i really would like to live a few more years, ya know?...

laughter is healthy lol :)

bloated in tally

so much yummy food today it was not even funny cuz i hung out with a co-worker on this business road trip who ate regular meal times and i of course ate larger portions and feel stuffed, as in stuff-fed... the nwhole idea of dropping weight before jackson moves back down is kind of out the window as she comes back down next week and i am max stuffed tonight... foolish games, stupid habits, but yummy, oh so yummy...

issues with tissues

human tissues, in fact, most specifically anal fissure tissue tears, ouch... the body ages differently for everyone i suppose and my butt is aging faster than any other body part (ya reckon?)... sure, you are so happy you stopped in to read this latest body thought, aren't you?... cuz prep h is such a wonderfully fun (not to mention cozy and comfertable) subject (or ointment) to share... doesn't really matter what i eat, these bouts of tears come and go as does the hard and soft stools... it's more dependent on exercise and temperature i think... the first really colder weather brings it on, as does a lazy month... eating tough meats like over-cooked beef or pork (or even bird) does not help... milk sometimes goes one way and sometimes the opposite... ah yes, a magical mystery tour through my digestive track would be an odd and curious ride... anybody have a spare yellow submarine?...

otherwise, it's been a lazy month without softball and with pigging out parties and no motivation to exercise and chillier temps (supposed to drop below freezing tonight... i know, my friend up north mourn my climate plight, nyuk nyuk :)

here's to more life this year, aye? :)

so tired at night

and bloated too... had two stop after two laps running to come in to poop... went back out to run/walk and with the stopwatch stopped and started again when i got back outside to start the third lap i finished under 20 minutes for five laps and i want to run more but a combination of fatigue and bloat and the knee (yes, still a little swollen and the run has it stinging a bit in the spot it was hit)... the humidity didn't help at all, but it's mostly fatigue... at least i got back out running... but i must exercise more, daily, and not just running cuz the neck starts hurting more when i don't... the bloat is weird cuz all i ate today was two yogurts, some hummus and crackers, pistachio nuts, and some chocolate milk... i am starting to wonder if the neck pain it thyroid related... just a guess, but instincts talk to me and told me about the kidney and liver issues long before doctors did... and they (the instincts, that is) tell me i will die or become debilitated by a stroke someday, alas... hate hoping the instincts are wrong, but hey... that's life...

run twoo

as in second also... or maybe third, but anyway, another run tracked since living alone... this time was more moderately paced and finished five laps in 20:35.9... very long day and very hot night in the mid-eighties and way humid even for florida... sweat sweat sweat... eating to bloat yummy but to bloat... heading for four softball leagues a week in a few weeks, so increase the exercise... gotta run more... but carefully, the body is at that sudden death age with inconsistent exercise... drop weight, increase stamina and strength, then consider another stress test and whatever else the doctor orders... take care of yourself, right... i care, how about you?... alphas?...

letting it go again

the body, the bloat, the weight... indulging the taste buds cuz there is not time for any other pleasures as work fills the calendar every day lately and nobody is around to do anything else in the few moments away from work... a body craves sensual pleasures, after all...

bumping it up

free lunch at work, so i eat barbecued meat... dinner invite from roommate, so i eat sushi for dinner... then cupcakes... and finishing the night with chips and chocolate milk... belly grows... social eating... exercise (three softball games last night, but then the team went to celebrate winning the championship so fried shrimp and mountain dew... more ountain dew today), but not vigorous enough and so, bloat... age too... and who cares besides me (and do i care enough?)...

well, balancing the hedonism and health-nut life is not always perfect, but hey, we can always try again tomorrow as long as i wake up again, right? :)

feel free to jump in anytime :)

major pigging out

jackson left for five days and i went nuts... is it the loneliness?... the pity party?... the self-indulgeance?... something else?... whatever, pasta and cheese and chocolate, oh my... probably gain ten pounds in these five days of madness... someday i'll die... wonder if i'll drop the weight and get optimal health back first... wish you were here :)

last seen heading in a circular direction

out for another run, 6 laps 2358 and 7 in 28:23, tougher than the past two runs cuz of fatigue, meat fatigue as i call it, and the heat of the day too and a bit of grogginess and not having the mind just right so the stamina wasn't quite there so the first lap was a push to keep it under 4 minutes as was every other lap, but heck, still did the 6 laps in under 4 minutes a lap so sigh (i mean yay)...

still eating the meatloaf so the wight is not changing, maybe even going up... the legsa are thin as ever, but the torso continues to be blooated... next week, maybe the diet will balance better... and sleep and other stuff and gee by golly wiz, i'm awful tired now... and just lonely enough to still be awake writing, aye?...

ought to get some sleep, huh? (narf :)

duh duh doh doh doh

and the neck is a bit better most days, but the bloat remains and foolishness or hedonism, life slowly rolls playfully toward it's end in this body as the blood pressure remains high and the ssugar levels near high and other stuff too... and no exercise other than the softball several times a week and the occasional 5k and other stuff, which is more than some and i weightr less than most and still, the body is warned by the doctors and i have no time to focus on will power or wanting to live longer than today to do any different...

and how are you? :}

kicking the bloat button hard

yeah, food filled week put tons on the carcass and the madness returned quite suddenly as the fast food junkie took over largely cuz there's no cooking in the kitchen since the move has boxes everywhere and hopefully i'll unpack and set the kitchen up for eating this weekend so the fast food junkie doesn't kill me...

and how are you?...

belly bloat

yeah, again, the belly bloat was quite noticeable as i tried to swing the bat at softball today as my arms felt like lead weights and my belly taunted my back and so i barely swung cuz i did not want to strain anything further than already strained by the belly bloat and while pitching went fine, i must reduce the belly bloat and strengthen my core and upper body if i want to actually hit with any consitency and reasonable power... so says the body, core, torso, and arms especially... we did win both games and i walked twice and would have walked a third time if i wanted to but the last time up we were up something like 19-3 so i just swung at a bad pitch with a 3-1 count and lined the ball at the second baseman who dropped it but the runner on first did not run and therefore was tagged out... shows up late, misses the first game, complains all game, and no hustle, but i didn't say anything to her as we won big... my focus remains on the belly bloat s it should... tomorrow...

what?

here i am again and my first thought was that i haven't been here in a while and i see i was here yesterday and that may be a sign of being overworked out of touch and losing my mind (as if it ever was all mind in the first place, as if it could be anybody else's, as if my self-mockery isn't thinly disguised arrogance, or perhaps the insecurity and helpless whining is the facade that keeps me amused {and alone} while i am waiting for the one cha cha cha) and doggonit, tired...

lately the neck, upper and lower, has been paining kind of naggingly enough to have a queasy stomach at times and even a frontal lobe headache now and then and did i the occasional foot cramps... fatigue, definitely, but i wonder what else... core muscle weakness, probably, but else?... eating one meal a day late at night and sleeping uncomfortably in a recliner or lumpy bed covered in dirty laundry?... likely... too much time sitting at a computer staring at a screen typing and moving a mouse?... ding ding ding, i think we have a winner... though the other things too...

like, ummm, maybe blood pressure (did i say that?)...

and yet, the mind and heart and core me wants to write and share even if the body cannot keep up with it... help me if you can i'm feeling down, la la la la.... so how are you? :}

bloaty belly

softball started up again tonight and i noticed the bloated belly has become a fixture the last few weeks as i work 12+ hour days without food and then eat and nod off when i get home and though it did wake in the middle of the night and make it to the gym again since the last entry here, it's fatigue from overwork and eating one meal late and lack of sleep that's getting to me and no writing, creativity, sharing, and loving that is missing big time and so the body bloats... and yet, i wear large shirts comfortable, which means i am not as big as i get when i must wear extra large shirts only... maybe i'm getting smaller as i age... anybody wanna grow older with me? (cuz we're not gonna grow old, right?)... alas, the rub is that there's nobody around my age who plays softball and basketball and runs and stays up all night and still parties like a little kid and most younger folk just don't have the experience to understand and while their little bodies are cute, there's so much more going on in my mind than anybody else i know so... is this body talk? lol lam :)

a bottom line

yeah, well, the bottome line (or at least one of them) is that i am not attractive to myself today, so anyone finding me attractive does not share my perspective of what is attractive and therefore, is not compatible... it is really so simple when clarity illuminates the brain, there's no point and only foolishness that supports confusion in any attempt to explain further...

so this is why nobody plays with me today (can you hear my body talk)... masterbation is more fun than sex with an unattractive body... my loss, but also my fun... compromise, my way... or something like that...

had a moment

yes, a brief moment of clarity the other night when i skipped dinner and went to bed right after work and slept twelve hours and felt the weight of the bloat almost left and then, got home the second night and bloated up again... one of these days, change the pattern (before death to i part, aye?)...

stop the stupid, k? :}


.

P.S... and an hour later, i found myself coming home from the gym to write this update... the bloat and flab is large, but i did move again, treadmill and elliptical... now if i just keep that up for the next three hundred nights, at least... five hundred nights would be better... join me? :)

wow, cellular memory

i forget almost every time in every conscious way when i disassociate myself from the physical shell (and the body laughs it's maniacal suicidal cheesy grin laugh as it does not have much choice and it knows it on that cellular memory level that the consciousness avoids so often, but every now and then a glimmer of a glimpse, a sliver of memory slices through as if to be placed on a slide and probes by an electron microscope (cuz that is how thin a slice it is most of the time) and when the brain turns on it's subatomic eye to perceive (because it is beyond human sight as we know it) the cellular memory, the brain floats through a sea of emotions made of every extreme as the temporary journey of life saves it from the utter despair and depths of depression that the daily suicidal choices would ordinarily bring to the ordinary normal mind...

thank goodness i am abnormal...

and the body sighs, laughed out, and blinks back into existence for the briefest moment before blinking again back into oblivion... this is life in human form in this world at this time and i finally fit in...

such a waste, and yet, a success... would amy be proud?... would the others who thought me too idealistic and lacking in common sense when i refused to conform and die, living dead cuz that was the way everyone chose?... and what if i chose to wake now?...

does anyone understand?

:)