left shin screaming

ok, so we are going to give the left shin more attention... i don't know if it is wearing the brace or favoring the leg or being out of shape or something else... i know it is partly favoring as i am experiencing imbalanced strains as i am running in my legs and lower back... the lower back is not pain, just the usual running strain, but it is imbalanced so my stride is imbalanced... something to pay attention to...

2.5K... this time a full five laps... pushing the time a bit 3:41.2; 4:38.1; 4:19.4; 4:53.0; 4:07.0... 21:38.7 total... still pathetic even by the standards of last year when i was dropping into the mid-30s (minutes) for a 10k... slow jog the first lap and i was feeling it in my abs - that is how out of shape they are... and that shine splint thing must be resolved... focus the stride, the breathing, and continue...

shins

stopped after the seventh lap due to lower leg strain more than usual, especially the left shins which were threatening damage (like shin splints)... serious pain for about ten minutes after sitting during which time i removed the sneakers, ankle wrap, and socks and elevated (throb throb throb)... both calves were starting to scream too... the left shin finally stopped throbbing and hurting (down to light strain pain, 1 on a 10 scale) after about fifteen minutes... puzzle...

maybe lower protein the last few days... maybe less vitamins... maybe lack of consistent rest... maybe technique as i was jog/walking... maybe pushed too much in the first lap or two... maybe cooler temps... maybe jog/walked too much with happiness just before starting... maybe not stretching enough... maybe a lot of things... anyway, a lap with happiness before the seven would make it eight laps, but still cutting the 5k short and that lap with happiness was not timed so not satisfied with the performance, but happy i dragged myself out because i have been seriously unmotivated this weekend so far...

times... 3:37.0, 4:05.6, 4:05.7, 4:23.8, 4:23.2, 4:41.0, 4:49.7... seven laps, 30:06.0 which was approximately on the same 5k pace as the last one recorded here in the previous entry... ahead of that pace for the first 3 laps which might have been strain the lower legs did not deal with well, the lower leg muscles are definitely as weak as they've ever been in this life, especially the left, after not being used from mid april until late august of this year... one step at a time...

alrighty then

yesterday (when i was young, la la la) was a good kick in the psyche and i found myself out on the softball field (with strangers, no less... not the ideal first time back, but... i don't actually have a family, alas, wah wah wah and all that)... jackson was there and she cares and is as close to family as i've got, so i had the best i could and yay for her...

anyway, i survived... there is pain, but nothing new... no damage... just the stress of movement and some light running (to first base) and attempting to put full weight on the foot/ankle while swinging the bat and pitching (i'll work my way up to full weight and actually pivoting)... the achilles and hamstring (and of course foot and ankle) showed definite signs of weakness and tightness, so stretching is essential prior to any exercise and alertness must be maintained to prevent ancillary injuries... but all in all, a very good first day back on the field... well delayed by extended rest, but maybe that is for the best... jackson thinks so :)

ok, wonderful

i survived two trips to the theatre and one trip to a restaurant in the past three days on top of the working at work and self-care at home and the foot is better than it's been since the injury... i put some pressure on it and walked twenty feet or so without crutches a couple of times, outside with the boot on and at home without the boot... the pain flares at two get spots like clockwork and the rest of the leg muscles show signs of atrophy from lack of use which makes pushing the walking all the more important... balance is the key cuz those two pain flare spots are warnings that damage can happen suddenly if i push those two spots too far too fast... but it is still wonderful news to be healing...

getting bettter

don't want to jinx it, but i am not regressing after walking short stints around the house or office with the boot on... even without the boot at home from one room to the other isn't setting me back too far... the same pain areas continue to flare up, swell, throb, and ache for a while after walking, but not as much as past weeks... still not walking without crutches more than five to ten total minutes a day though... and while i still must elevate regularly to keep the pain down, improvement is good...

feeling alone tonight... but at least the foot is getting better...

was good for a while

and then, i hopped around a bit cooking dinner and cleaning up... maybe the mistake was not wearing the boot because not the plantar fascia is aching throbbing and curling the foot oddly and i probably should wear the boot or a splint more often to maintain the natural arch or something like that... there must be something other than the full boot for this... alas, i wish i didn't miss the doctor's appointment... and i wish the doctor's office called me back like they said they would friday...and i wish this foot would heal already... anyway, there is improvement and maybe this is the healing process for a plantar fascia rupture... think healing thoughts...think healing thoughts...think healing thoughts...

again, too much walking

just around the house, dangit... too much pressure on the foot and the pain is clearer than ever... bottom of the tibia where the fracture is... and the plantar fascia is definitely ruptured... and the top of the midfoot pain remain pointing to a stable lisfranc injury, non-displaced since they saw no bone fractures or displacements, some of the ligaments must be torn... and the only cure is staying off the foot and letting the ligaments heal and that can take months... so all the attempted walking i am doing is not helping... that is not good news (should i wait for a doctor to tell me or just be intelligent)...

who am i asking, anyway?

water not boarding

so as i was saying (elsewhere), i miss daily showers... and i don't remember often enough, but as a kid and teen and young adult i would take at least two showers a day, often more... hot steamy showers and icy cold showers... water, especially hot steamy shower water, was one of my best friends... for the skin stimulation and for the manipulation of body temperature... it was meditation, exercise, all sorts of other intangibles and reminded me of how focused i can be in the physical world when i wanted to be... saunas and hot tubs and icy pools took the place of showers for a while, but these days, sigh, alas, sigh...

it has been some time since i had that cuz the hot water here is maybe 110 degrees, maybe less or a little more cuz i can turn on all hot and step into it, slowly, but still don't need to gradually raise the temp as i did when i was younger and even after standing under the all hot for ten minutes the skin is not even close the bright red almost burn that i used to push to back then... but at least i still take daily showers... most days...

i have been skipping a day or even two in showers cuz of the foot and finally took a shower and though the foot misses the boot and is more swollen and throbbing (though not as bad as it has been, though that could be the aspirins too), the clean feels so good... so very good...

i have forgotten the face of my father (metaphorically speaking as i never knew my father, but that's another story)... i hope i remember to take advantage of both feet when they are both working again... i don't have to live like a refugee, after all :)

physical focus

everything is so very physical, the body, that is, self-focused, distracted, it is a real pain in the neck... no really, i mean the pain in the neck is very distracting... and some headaches and here i go wondering again if it is posture (the reminder from my youth to get the spine and therein my head straight was the stiff neck, after all) or maybe the blood pressure is playing some role and leaving me what may rudely be called a sophie's choice (as if anything can be that bad), die from high blood pressure or die from the medications the medical profession use to try to control high blood pressure...

and then there's the foot... rough day, but hopefully still healing... more hopefully healing right and not getting permanently damaged by the walking i have to do... some of the people at work are amazing in their lack of compassion and unwillingness to help as they watch me struggle to carry papers or hold open doors while on crutches... tomorrow should be fun as i have a few hours of meetings with the most inconsiderate folk of all who enjoy pouncing on weakness and making others feel like crap, what a life... luckily they don't affect me much anymore, but the foot won't make it any easier...

there are body thoughts?... well, sorta... heal already, dammit! :}

too much walking

especially too much walking without the boot... happiness just woke me again to go outside... so much for sleeping in and getting the rest the foot needs... frustrated... i just don't feel like going through the whole process of putting on a sock (which is painful and i've got to wash socks today) and then putting on the boot just to go to the bathroom, kitchen, or the lawn for happiness... but a dozen trips to the kitchen, a half dozen trips to the bathroom, and a half dozen trips to the lawn have taken a toll... i didn't even get into the shower or do laundry and have to find the foot strength for both, dangit... i love him, but happiness was challenging and took more foot than intended... he just doesn't wait, bolts out the door (gave me a couple of painful rope burns earlier this year) and can pull me over if i am not ready and really stable on the crutches and this morning he caught me off guard and pulled the leash out of my hands before i could negotiate the newspaper sitting right in the doorway... he can also get out of his collar... i had to yell at him to come back and i definitely put too much pressure on the foot... i feel bad cuz he needs exercisse... but the foot... hopefully it's not too much of a set back for the foot... the extreme throbbing is back, as is swelling... the pain has been a lot worse though... it just hurts a lot, not the max extreme... but enough to want no more walking on it today... still need to shower and do laundry and eat though, so maybe for a six or eight hour, at least though... if i take happiness out again i'll put on a dirty sock and the boot... need more sleep but happiness and the foot say no... alas, the weekend was supposed to be rest...

stay positive

left the boot off all day and no extreme pain... put pressure on the foot, mostly the outside and heel, for at least a hundred baby steps today and no extreme pain... elevated most of the time sitting, but when the foot is lowered, no extreme throbbing or pain... still pain, still throbbing, but the extreme i am not getting up anymore pain has not returned today... three weeks...

the bones may be knitting, but more importantly, the muscles, tendons, and ligaments that were damaged may finally be healing enough to no send the extreme pain signals at the slightest moment, at even the change in blood pressure... not moving the foot though, movement still shoots seering pain through the damaged areas... and the swelling still comes and goes... but staying positive with the progress... definitely progress...

skipping, days, that is

definitely not skipping yet, but... though (drumroll) i did actually walk a few steps without crutches with the boot on snug... no screaming pain, no screaming throbbing afterwards... just numb throbbing, which is hopefully an improvement... the roller coaster of a day better and the next day worse has been rolling for almost three full weeks now, but hope springs eternal that this better will be the turning point where the better days start outnumbering the worse days... a weekend of rest and major improvement, we hope... i mean, you hope too, right? (no really, thanks for caring :)

yeah, so i skipped yesterday... the doctor visit and all, nothing important for the body to talk about, right?... ok, ok, so the ortho-surgeon agreed with me the the pa mis-read the xray and the fracture at thebottom of the tibia is new... the treatment doesn't change, just take more care walking and moving the ankle... meanwhile, the foot is torn up... most likely exactly what the books told me, but the only way to try to be more certain is to mri and catscan and that's way expensive and won't change the treatment cuz elective surgery is even more expensive (and not covered at all by insurance) so i passed on the magnets and more xrays for now... if there is no improvement in ten days, i will reconsider...

the foot saga goes on :}

freeeek dang dodo foot

hey, it's more creative and for me, more expressive than fucking foot, but it's along the same lines, i suppose... the pain in the front of the arch, just behind the ball, that's the puzzler... bone that didn't show up well on the xray?... ligaments?... something applied a lot of pressure on the arch of the sneaker i was wearing... thought it might have been a sudden hematoma or hemorrhage ... so i got to reading to refresh my memory of the names of the stuff in the foot... i may have torn the flexor hallucis longus at the sesamoid bone at the first metatarsal phalangeal joint... also the anterior talo-fibular ligament... and the birfucated ligament... maybe the extensor digitorium longus... so the primary pain is at the plantar first metatarsal phalangeal and dorsal fourth metatarsal phalangeal and the general are of the talonavicular joint... tomorrow i find out what the doctor has to say...

guess my foot can say a mouthful, huh?...

good days, bad days

whatever good and bad might mean... tolerable pain, totally distracting pain, there's a better title... so i recall feeling optimistic some time late on sunday after resting the entire weekend and then after laying down, there was an increase in the pain enough to keep me awake, but somehow i fell asleep and then yesterday it was moderate most of the day and then, swelling returned when i got home and pain rose enough after dark for me to still be awake after midnight and i reached for aspirins somewhere later and woke every hour... works then kept me on my feet way more than any day since the injury, so the foot is puffing up and kinda throbbing numb... hopefully it doesn't lose it's numb too soon... dang foot...

never a straight line

life, that is... and healing too... for most of the day i felt really good about the healing as i was able to shower and cook (re-heat, but still hopping around for longer than i have in two weeks, and after showering in the morning, no less... and then i napped an hour and woke about an hour ago and stood up to hop to the bathroom and the foot said no... the rush of blood to the foot was back to the seering throbbing pain that it has been since the twist and so, i stayed here... maybe it is just an adjustment i did not make that i made the previous times. putting the foot down and letting the blood flow into it and massaging a bit and letting it get used to the blood flow and maybe it'll be better if i did that... i will try that later perhaps... it could also be that the aspirins are wearing off more and the unmasked pain remains, which would suggest more injury than the pa diagnosed, which would be frustrating especially since i am the one choosing to wait the sixteen days before actually seeing the doctor... shhhhh, one day (and step) at a time... i shall attempt movement now...

and some improvement, but still no way i am putting any weight on it... i messed this foot up good it seems... screw me... the swelling is still not gone (nor is the bruising which covers the whole foot, top and bottom), and the hot spots at the ball, the outside, and the outside connection between the ankle and foot... major pain trying to move or apply pressure in those three spots... the skin on the foot is getting better thanks to the cortisone cream i put on it before sticking it in the boot for a few days... other body parts are starting to complain as well, the hands and underarms from the crutches... the butt from sitting on it (needed to put some cortisone on the butt, yeah, diaper rash without a diaper... sitting on the butt too much and skipping showers... tmi?... hey, this is body thoughts, get used to it cuz the body is only going to continue deteriorating until it dies, that's life)... i wonder if the cortisone will affect the foot or any other part of me... maybe i'll look it up...

not so much fancy free

a bit less pain to start this weekend when compared to last weekend considering i think the last aspirins i took may have been thursday evening but may have been friday mid-day too, it is now at least 24 hours and pushed a bit last night and i just showered (which is a major push and challenge on one foot and requires at least some support from the other foot, even it is just 10% weight bearing for brief moments as i pivot and get in and out of the tub... now there is the benefit of the flat bottom walk-in shower stall, aye?... though most are slippery-er and i'd probably use a towel on the floor which would tangle up as i turned pivoting on one foot and, well, i am making due with a tub so nevermind) and the good foot is aching a bit (ever try standing on one foot, hopping, pivoting on a slippery surface, and walking for half an hour or longer without sitting to rest?... thank goodness i don't have vertigo... go ahead try it for five minutes and see what i mean... don't forget the pivoting and hopping, at least a dozen of each, i mean, just to get a brief feel of the experience cuz you are an insatiably curious child and really want to know which is why you follow me around through all these many dozens of blog, right?... or is that me? :)

anyway, gonna rest a bit now before dressing and considering what to do this weekend... hope your body is enjoying your weekend more than mine, but whatever you do, make it fun too :)

footless

kinda wish i was tonight... not really, but... ok, so i have not moved the foot since the last entry and feeling all isolated and lonely with nobody to talk to tonight and feeling all lame cuz the foot really hurt the last time i moved it and sitting here is getting more challenging cuz the bladder wants to empty and you really wanted to know all this, right?... body thoughts, remember?...

yeah, well ok, so i paused a moment and stood up and grabbed the crutches and took a half a step and nope, not walking any more tonight... sitting immobile again... neck stiff... ear ringing... stomach grumbling... hungry, achy, tired in so many ways, lonely, no wonder people give up and die in these bodies... life gets so old when nobody wants to come out to play anymore...

i'd rather be dancing...

when the first stop is here

it's either very good or... seriously not good... the foot is throbbing enough to immobilize me... here i shall sit until morning, pee bottle next to the chair... work had to be done... it was a very good day, amazing if you know, but not so much for the foot... today was a day that tested the foot seriously, i put more weight on it than i have since the day of the injury, walked more since the day of the injury (and it wasn't that much) and the swelling and pain is back with a vengeance now that i finally put it up... more aspirins please... sheesh...

foot on the brain

so i am pretty certain it is a foot injury as the ankle is a little sore, but the foot in a couple of spots rages burns and stabs quite severely enough to prevent sleep and walking... i got home today and was able to move around enough to take happiness out to the front lawn for a pee and get food from the fridge... after sitting and eating, the throbbing began again... movement helps, but it does not stop the stabbing pain in one spot in particular and when the throbbing starts it is two or three spots consistently, so whatever damage was done was specific to those spots...

also some muscle cramping after i got home... from walking very differently perhaps... and possible from pain drug withdrawals (just daily aspirins and three hydrocodone tabs, so maybe not)... or perhaps it's diet as i did not eat or drink all day... need to figure out how to get food and drink to the office... very challenging to deal with a leg cramp when foot immobility is vital to lowering pain... swelling is down a lot, wish the pain was...

just updating in case i forget, perhaps, or maybe posterity will want to know... just disclaiming in case someone actually reads this and wonders why... just wondering why myself... just a little lonely tonight i guess... focus is weak... foot on the brain is very distracting... foot pain is very isolating...

hello? :}

double vision

not as fun as i might have thought... the eyes will not naturally, without a lot of conscious effort, line up bilaterally to give the brain one image to process... i see two images and either select one eye to follow or consciously must force both eyes to line up to provide a clear single image... it is easier to do ten or more feet away than it is a foot or few away so typing and reading the computer screen is a moment to moment challenge... this does not bode well for work tomorrow and this week as without the pain med the foot pain was seriously distracting...