not daily, but

yes, and doing it for the first time without the ankle brace... the left shin splints were not nearly as bad this time... 3:37.9; 4:09.8; 4:56.5; 4:21.0; 4:27.1; 5:39.7; 4:47.9... 31:59.9 total for seven laps... mile pace: 13:58 avg mph: 4.297 avg lap: 4.329... mediocre at best, but the good news is that it is another jog/walk... i did not realize so many days went by this week... maybe that helped the shin splint issue... or maybe taking the ankle brace off did... or both... anyway, not good... i must do this more often... maybe keeping stats will help... is there an easy way to put a table in one of these blog posts?... research... dropping some weight would help for sure... continue...

left shin screaming

ok, so we are going to give the left shin more attention... i don't know if it is wearing the brace or favoring the leg or being out of shape or something else... i know it is partly favoring as i am experiencing imbalanced strains as i am running in my legs and lower back... the lower back is not pain, just the usual running strain, but it is imbalanced so my stride is imbalanced... something to pay attention to...

2.5K... this time a full five laps... pushing the time a bit 3:41.2; 4:38.1; 4:19.4; 4:53.0; 4:07.0... 21:38.7 total... still pathetic even by the standards of last year when i was dropping into the mid-30s (minutes) for a 10k... slow jog the first lap and i was feeling it in my abs - that is how out of shape they are... and that shine splint thing must be resolved... focus the stride, the breathing, and continue...

ok, two

as in two days in a row... 4:02.1; 4:28.1; 4:29.4; 4:36.2; 17:35.8 for 4 laps which might have been a 22 minute 2.5K, maybe, and this track appears on the long side of the measure so eh at least until i am doing a 20 minute 2.5K and then eh until i am doing a 40 minute 5K and crap to all the woulda could should crap... deal with real times, real conditions, real physical life (to survive)... 61 degrees, humidity 86%... dang humidity takes so much out when the muscle and lung stamina is this low... lactic acid pain during the first lap and shin splints by the third lap, i don't think this body has even been quite this out of shape and recovery time has never been so long both for muscles and for lungs... and this was after relatively decent sleep and meat protein last night... must change habits... wah wah wah... do it again tomorrow or shadup...

...

is it now or never again?

sure is starting to feel like that... how quickly we fade... ok, so 5 laps, temp 77, humid 31 the weather is beautiful for running, but the body was not... definitely atrophies and lost a lot during this two week down time and during this away from jogging running time... the muscles especially... feeling the lactic acid burn so early and the drag before the end of the first lap (though it was a faster than usual lap, still... 3:42.2; 4:56.6; 4:45.4; 4:27.4; 3:59.6... still in control enough to bring the last lap back down under 4 minutes, but still, wasted after the first lap and i have jogged faster than 3:30 laps before... pathetic is not too strong a word at this point... 21:52.0 for the 5 laps, but pushing the same time for another five would have been an unreasonable expectation as the 6th lap would have likely been over 5 minutes by itself... so maybe a 45 minute 5k, which is definitely pathetic for me (no offence to anyone who is happy with a walk/jog, but my goal is to get back to actually jogging the entire 5k and that is a 30-35 minute pace... sub 30 is still the long term goal... but it seems ridiculous at the moment as i am heading in the opposite direction way too swiftly...

wah wah wah, lament will not help for the long term, but licking the wounds to psyche and ego might get me back out today... i have not taken my brace or running shoes off and yes, i put on my running shoes and not my sneakers... seriously misjudged my muscle tone, resiliency, and stamina... shame, this is a shameful waste of human life...

and now, it is recorded here... motivation or misery, time will tell...

shins

stopped after the seventh lap due to lower leg strain more than usual, especially the left shins which were threatening damage (like shin splints)... serious pain for about ten minutes after sitting during which time i removed the sneakers, ankle wrap, and socks and elevated (throb throb throb)... both calves were starting to scream too... the left shin finally stopped throbbing and hurting (down to light strain pain, 1 on a 10 scale) after about fifteen minutes... puzzle...

maybe lower protein the last few days... maybe less vitamins... maybe lack of consistent rest... maybe technique as i was jog/walking... maybe pushed too much in the first lap or two... maybe cooler temps... maybe jog/walked too much with happiness just before starting... maybe not stretching enough... maybe a lot of things... anyway, a lap with happiness before the seven would make it eight laps, but still cutting the 5k short and that lap with happiness was not timed so not satisfied with the performance, but happy i dragged myself out because i have been seriously unmotivated this weekend so far...

times... 3:37.0, 4:05.6, 4:05.7, 4:23.8, 4:23.2, 4:41.0, 4:49.7... seven laps, 30:06.0 which was approximately on the same 5k pace as the last one recorded here in the previous entry... ahead of that pace for the first 3 laps which might have been strain the lower legs did not deal with well, the lower leg muscles are definitely as weak as they've ever been in this life, especially the left, after not being used from mid april until late august of this year... one step at a time...

solitary determination

well, i grew tired of looking outside of myself for inspiration to exercise (all along i had been hoping that living with someone in a body that is more than two decades younger than the body i inhabit would inspire me to be more active and exercise more but she works so much she rarely has time or energy and now has a relationship taking even more of her time lately so i hardly see her... maybe i needed someone three decades younger, or four, even lol...

everybody gets so old so fast in this life (ah, who gets my humor? :)

the foot, by the way, is doing fine... wrapped good and tight, no pain in the foot or the leg muscles... reasonable strain in both calf and abdominal muscles (sadly, signs of atrophy and aging are evident all over the dang body... alas, dissatisfaction keeps me alone, physically (can you hear my body sigh?)... somehow, i must find someone to laugh with me... preferably as we make love...

ok, back to the immediate physical reality... so i jog/walked another 5k tonight and i realized how much backsliding i have been doing living outside of myself so much so whatever, there are no excuses outside of myself and here are the numbers...

ten laps... 3:34.0 4:14.3, 4:16.7, 4:17.9, 4:18.8, 4:43.6, 4:39.8, 4:54.4, 4:26.8, 4:07.7... 43:34.0 total time... an approximate 5k, possible a bit longer, but close enough to let me consistently call it a 5k... and after a full day at work and being awake 14 hours... not too bad, but shamefully pitiful compared to what i know the body can do it it is not wasted away... so what will i do now... rest... the more important questions is what will i do tomorrow...

i did not have running partners as a kid... or a teen,... or a young adult... i was a solitary runner... love and the desire for a relationship was an inspiration, but it was just me out on the road day after day, mile after mile... it was loving the feeling of the high during the run and loving the feeling of fitness and awareness after and between the runs... so is the solitary determination that drove me to run a 2:40 marathon (that is 2 hours and 40 minutes) once and sub 3 hour marathons more than a dozen times return before it is time to die?... will the solitary determination that drove me to run a 4:40 mile (that's four minutes and 40 seconds) once and many sub five minute miles and routine sub 6 minute miles return?... routinely running 15 miles in 89:54 minutes (that's 89 minutes, 54 seconds - averaging sub 6 minute miles for 15 miles)?... and 60 or more miles a week...

mostly those are just memories now, not realistic goals considering the years of backsliding i've allowed this body to do... a few years ago, maybe five, i run/jogged eight miles in just under ninety minutes... but can i, on just my solitary determination, return to consistently running again, not just jog/walking, without dying first?...

one step at a time...

yeah, well, whatever

ok so i stepped up to the plate over the weekend and it was good overall, baby steps for sure, and besides all the whining about insensitivity from some strangers new to the team who seemed to expect me to be able to run on rough surfaces without any ankle support (simply, i went to watch the game and the game was rained out so a handful of people went to a soccer field for some hitting/fielding practice and when i declined to participate because i was recovering from the first test the day before and had come out without ankle brace or any wrap in shoes for the first time {yeah, not even sneakers with better support) i was told i was making excuses... just walking on the uneven surface was a relatively new experience for the foot/ankle... and maybe it was meant to be friendly teasing (from strangers?), but being frustrated with my inactivity already and just a sensitive child, i took a walk and nurtured myself since nobody out there cared to and then whined to myself as i sorted through clothes, so to speak - thanks harry for understanding)...

the body became quiet depressed and i don't want to go through that again, so i will skip the sunday afternoon team for rehab and wait for the other teams where a bit more sensitivity might actually happen... sometimes i really don't care what anyone thinks, i just want to take care of myself my way and even if i never really have family or a nurturing environment, i'd rather be alone sometimes than put up with people's insensitivity (selfishness, machoness, egocentricity, call it whatever, people suck sometimes)... set back?... yup...

and that's what the body thinks today...

otherwise, aside from some ache, no bad news from the foot... just must remember how important attitude, encouragement, support, confidence, and preparation is in this rehab process (especially if nobody else does)...

alrighty then

yesterday (when i was young, la la la) was a good kick in the psyche and i found myself out on the softball field (with strangers, no less... not the ideal first time back, but... i don't actually have a family, alas, wah wah wah and all that)... jackson was there and she cares and is as close to family as i've got, so i had the best i could and yay for her...

anyway, i survived... there is pain, but nothing new... no damage... just the stress of movement and some light running (to first base) and attempting to put full weight on the foot/ankle while swinging the bat and pitching (i'll work my way up to full weight and actually pivoting)... the achilles and hamstring (and of course foot and ankle) showed definite signs of weakness and tightness, so stretching is essential prior to any exercise and alertness must be maintained to prevent ancillary injuries... but all in all, a very good first day back on the field... well delayed by extended rest, but maybe that is for the best... jackson thinks so :)

better every day

feeling like i want to run again, but i know i need to be very careful and i should be exercising in the gym daily to strengthen the leg and foot and ankle muscles but i've not gotten into that habit... at least i am getting out walking several times a day thanks to happiness, but pushing the muscles to strengthen them needs more than just walking... jackson hasn't been around and with the health insurance gone i have no physical therapist or coach or friend who will help, so it's all me... not even getting softball team motivation as nobody is close (except jackson and she's too busy and is discouraging me from rejoining the team... not sure if that's because they have too many people, but heck, i pay for the dang team and i don't get all the money back every season... in fact if i don't pay for the fall season by next week i lose out on the discount, but i still haven't gotten all the money for the current season... frustrating, especially with my current tighter budget... but even more frustrating is they don't seem to need me, wah wah, there are other teams that hopefully will call and want me to rehab faster and play with them)... just got to do it myself...

neck, ear, head, foot

checking in with the body, the neck has been aching all day since i woke, the usual nagging... stress?... blood pressure?... fatigue?... diet?... lack of exercise?... body position?... other?... whatever, i've hardly sat down today because the foot and leg need exercise and the neck too as too much sitting in the recliner at the laptop can aggravate the neck (which is why the pain in the neck is puzzling)... anyway, the upper body used the 10 lb dumbbells about ten minutes every hour... that (exercise) often relieves the neck pain but not today... maybe more rest, i mean real rest (de-stressed rest, which is challenging to do these days)....

and then the ear is louder than it's been in weeks, at least, so i am increasing in crankiness as the hours go by... an ordinary mind might have gone off the deep end, i mean unhinged, i mean broken down or something (audio torture induced mental illness?) by now... and if that's not enough, the head is hurting a little, probably from minimal food intake and no caffeine, but definitely third on the list... the good news is that the foot/leg is fourth on the list of pains today in spite of being up and standing and walking most of the day... hooray for good news...

now if i only had the solution to the neck and ear (besides ignoring it, which i've done for years now... doctors don't seem to take it or me seriously, probably because i don't want to take their pills... doctors are way too dependent on pills, probably because they satisfy most people who accept relief of {or masking of} symptoms as a cure... and tests are just more expensive every year and most doctors don't know enough to read advanced tests anyway... and medical malpractice has driven many doctors to have as little actual contact with patients as possible... where is dr. house when you need him, huh?... and come to thing of it, who can afford dr. house and all the tests he runs... who pays for those, anyway?... ah, but seriously would an mri and cat scan of my ear and head and neck tell them anything?)...

body thoughts, aye?

timing bad, m'ok?

yeah, it is not good to leave a job and suddenly be thrust into a job search the same day as boot removal... so i have not been using the boot or crutches for almost two weeks, but i am also not walking much... my days are spent sitting here online searching for jobs and the motivation to dress and wrap the foot and tie on the sneaker is minimal... luckily happiness, the wonder dog, begs to go outside a lot and likes to pull and walk... the pulling is challenging, almost pulling me off my feel or off balance so i almost hurt the foot and ankle... must be very careful (and a little hard on him cuz i cannot afford a re-injury what with needing to go on interviews when they finally come and no health insurance for months, bad timing, m'ok)... the good news is the foot is doing better... i am walking slowly on flat surfaces with minimal pain... dangerous are the slopes and bumpy surfaces (so stay off the grass)... just need to focus on more consistent (and more) exercise and stretching and more exercise... careful physical therapy rehab, must do it myself, motivate, careful, must... and rest, must get back to sleeping regularly... and eating regularly... stop letting this bummer job search distract me... positivity...

that is all for today, mostly a reminder :}

walking better

without crutches (with the boot on) and if i am careful, without pain and with less swelling than before this week... hopefully i am not wasting my time at the doctor tomorrow cuz i really am hoping for some good advice about healing the plantar fascia rupture but given the lack of response from the doctor's office when i called and pressed the button the automated voice said to press to request a call back (no response) and the original misdiagnosis and the relative nonchalance of the one visit with the doctor, i am not expecting anything... how hard should i push and what risks and can he answer and... i really ought to get some sleep...

pushing the foot

getting a little better every day as long as i keep the boot on when i am walking, but more walking than i want to do cuz work is so busy... healing continues... top ligaments and plantar fascia still swelling after walking... the plantar fascia remains a throbbing knot after walking... the fracture stings a little after walking... some muscle burn achilles and others... more skin itching... still didn't get a minute to call the doctor for a rescheduled appointment... must make time tomorrow... so tired... must get the rest...

was good for a while

and then, i hopped around a bit cooking dinner and cleaning up... maybe the mistake was not wearing the boot because not the plantar fascia is aching throbbing and curling the foot oddly and i probably should wear the boot or a splint more often to maintain the natural arch or something like that... there must be something other than the full boot for this... alas, i wish i didn't miss the doctor's appointment... and i wish the doctor's office called me back like they said they would friday...and i wish this foot would heal already... anyway, there is improvement and maybe this is the healing process for a plantar fascia rupture... think healing thoughts...think healing thoughts...think healing thoughts...

again, too much walking

just around the house, dangit... too much pressure on the foot and the pain is clearer than ever... bottom of the tibia where the fracture is... and the plantar fascia is definitely ruptured... and the top of the midfoot pain remain pointing to a stable lisfranc injury, non-displaced since they saw no bone fractures or displacements, some of the ligaments must be torn... and the only cure is staying off the foot and letting the ligaments heal and that can take months... so all the attempted walking i am doing is not helping... that is not good news (should i wait for a doctor to tell me or just be intelligent)...

who am i asking, anyway?

too much walking

especially too much walking without the boot... happiness just woke me again to go outside... so much for sleeping in and getting the rest the foot needs... frustrated... i just don't feel like going through the whole process of putting on a sock (which is painful and i've got to wash socks today) and then putting on the boot just to go to the bathroom, kitchen, or the lawn for happiness... but a dozen trips to the kitchen, a half dozen trips to the bathroom, and a half dozen trips to the lawn have taken a toll... i didn't even get into the shower or do laundry and have to find the foot strength for both, dangit... i love him, but happiness was challenging and took more foot than intended... he just doesn't wait, bolts out the door (gave me a couple of painful rope burns earlier this year) and can pull me over if i am not ready and really stable on the crutches and this morning he caught me off guard and pulled the leash out of my hands before i could negotiate the newspaper sitting right in the doorway... he can also get out of his collar... i had to yell at him to come back and i definitely put too much pressure on the foot... i feel bad cuz he needs exercisse... but the foot... hopefully it's not too much of a set back for the foot... the extreme throbbing is back, as is swelling... the pain has been a lot worse though... it just hurts a lot, not the max extreme... but enough to want no more walking on it today... still need to shower and do laundry and eat though, so maybe for a six or eight hour, at least though... if i take happiness out again i'll put on a dirty sock and the boot... need more sleep but happiness and the foot say no... alas, the weekend was supposed to be rest...

damn the pain, full speed ahead

ok, so not quite full speed... in fact, not even a slow walk... still at a very wobbly hobble, actually, but we definitely have damn the pain right... the ten steps to the bathroom turn into twenty mini-hops on the crutches, each way, followed by a half hour of throbbing until the foot returns to it's semi-numb, semi-on fire state... then there are the rest of the muscles starting to ache because they are compensating for the foot... and then there are stiffness aches in the legs from lack of movement... and did i mention the stomach ache from the too many aspirins?... sheesh, how about the headache from, who knows what?... and i probably should eat some prunes soon too, daily, even...

i am so not having fun...

ok, so this is the most challenging challenge the body has had in quite some time... i never had a leg/foot injury before (though there was the hamstring a few years ago, but i continued playing softball with that one, just hobbled along until it got better... ankles appear to be much more necessary for ambulation), considering i've been running and playing ball for so many years, a lifetime... still, a lifetime of no injuries doesn't make this one hurt less and definitely does not make getting around any easier... not sure how i am getting to work and from the car to my office (and back) tomorrow, but it's the plan...

ankle results

ok, the results are in, sort of... i saw sort of because the x-rays were read by a PA, not an MD or orthopedist or radiologist, and there is obvious broken fragments on the x-ray that the PA says were old... there was no pain prior, so how can it be old... i think he assumed i am like most people my age, sedentary, and would not notice...

so i have a bad sprain, either a grade 2 or 3 (can't tell until the swelling goes down and it really doesn't matter cuz the only difference in treatment is the grade 3 hurts more and takes longer to heal... grade 2 is a partial tear in the ligaments holding the ankle together and a grade three is a complete tear, the latter needing more support (cast/boot) for longer... and as i mentioned above, there are also a couple of bone chips off the bottom tip of the tibia... same treatment, immobilize... of course rich people and pro athletes would have had surgery already and be re-habed in a couple of weeks... i hope to be not much longer than that cuz i am too stubborn to sit for long and i want to get back to playing softball and running, but realistically i may be wearing this expensive boot for a few weeks (everybody says longer, i say wait and see)...

the swelling may have finally stopped, maybe, except when i walk on it or stand a while... driving a clutch in a boot is gonna be interesting tomorrow... life goes on, especially work...

sucks and hurts a lot, but sucks more... i have five softball teams scrambling for a pitcher now and i lose the time and factor in body age, that sucks sucks sucks more... stupid new reebok sneaker (poor support, slightly off-center base) and a wet poorly groomed surface caused it, but then, i chose to put that sneaker on and run recklessly on the wet surface...

sucks sucks sucks...

:}

so how's your body? :)

too much information

the internet provides way too much information... so yesterday i was aching and concerned, but taking my time and icing and elevating and monitoring... that's pretty much 90% of what a doctor will do, having worked emergency rooms where i treated many sprained ankles and lots of other much more serious injuries... and then i start refreshing my memory and and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and maybe too much reading... so today there is no weight on the ankle at all and i am considering the doctor tomorrow... but i don't want to go to the doctor... if i even had one... it's not a fear of doctors, it's the black hole money pit that is the medical system i do not want to enter... so now i am torn... i mean, how could the ankle or foot be broken if i played a game and a half, pitching, running to first a few times, and walking around for more than two hours after twisting the ankle?... makes no sense... it's just the swelling and aftermath pain of a grade 1 sprain, right?... or a grade two, but that would be a longer healing time and i don't want that... no more, please...

ok, in the morning i will consider if a trip to a doctor is worth it... body thoughts suck sometimes...

did i just break my ankle?

well, that was the initial body thought after turning the ankle about 90 degrees thanks to a crappy field condition while running to first... a slippery spot just before reaching first base is about as stupid as grounds keeping can get, but stupider is running into it just to try to beat out a ground ball... so i played the rest of the game with increasing pain and then played the second game of the double header and had to run to first every time i was up cuz my swing was way off cuz i could not put pressure on my left foot... pitching wasn't easy either since, well, most things in sports require two feet for planting, pivoting, and pushing off... so i played on one foot as much as possible...

i did not play in the third game scheduled for three hours later, and the foot does not want to be walked on at all now, five hours after that... major swelling and pain... i will decided whether i want to spend money on doctors and xrays tomorrow... i've seen enough ankle sprains to know they can be even more painful and visually gruesome than a foot bone break, but i wanna play friday so it better get well fast...