another day two

asking how many day twos there have been over the years might be depressing (might?) but hey, i've never been one to shy away from a good depression... still, it would take too long to search just the records i've kept and have with me and the point would be beating a dead horse (he's not dead yet) so at least there is another day two which is a whole lot better than not having another day two since a pause is inevitable and healthy... always find the positive spin and you may never spin out of control... or something like that...

all philosophy and the like aside, 5 laps, 31:59.4 total time... lap 1 5:59.1, lap 2 6:18.3, lap 3 6:33.1, lap 4 6:59;5, lap 5 6:10.4... more strain slight pain left shin, more strain overall, slight pain right pectoral, slight strain right biceps, slight strain 1st lap abs, overall leg fatigue and lung fatigue... higher/faster lactic acid build up... rhoids sore, improving... warmer temps, higher humidity... 74 degrees, 94% humidity... heavy air... passing red gravel kidney stones and sediment yesterday... ate red meat and spices yesterday... considered resting today what with two softball games tonight but woke and dressed and headed out in a bit of a blur, so yay i think...

continue...

too much rest?

well, i am running the bases much better and though i am keeping the ankle brace on tight as i play, i am jogging short distances with happiness (jackson's dog) regularly without the brace and there are no ill effects... being careful... last weekend i played six games and ran the bases a lot, from first to home and from second to home a few times... tonight i was running just fine too... now i just need to get back to the 5k training again, more frequent jogging... while rest is important, very important, it is also very important not to rest too much as i rebuild strength, stamina, and whatever speed might be left in this body... continue...

shins

stopped after the seventh lap due to lower leg strain more than usual, especially the left shins which were threatening damage (like shin splints)... serious pain for about ten minutes after sitting during which time i removed the sneakers, ankle wrap, and socks and elevated (throb throb throb)... both calves were starting to scream too... the left shin finally stopped throbbing and hurting (down to light strain pain, 1 on a 10 scale) after about fifteen minutes... puzzle...

maybe lower protein the last few days... maybe less vitamins... maybe lack of consistent rest... maybe technique as i was jog/walking... maybe pushed too much in the first lap or two... maybe cooler temps... maybe jog/walked too much with happiness just before starting... maybe not stretching enough... maybe a lot of things... anyway, a lap with happiness before the seven would make it eight laps, but still cutting the 5k short and that lap with happiness was not timed so not satisfied with the performance, but happy i dragged myself out because i have been seriously unmotivated this weekend so far...

times... 3:37.0, 4:05.6, 4:05.7, 4:23.8, 4:23.2, 4:41.0, 4:49.7... seven laps, 30:06.0 which was approximately on the same 5k pace as the last one recorded here in the previous entry... ahead of that pace for the first 3 laps which might have been strain the lower legs did not deal with well, the lower leg muscles are definitely as weak as they've ever been in this life, especially the left, after not being used from mid april until late august of this year... one step at a time...

slight delay

yeah, so last weekend was a slight fiasco when it came to the rehab process as my morale was flushed down the toilet and blah blah blah so i skipped this week and distracted myself with intellectual fun and food and yeah, probably put on a pound or few (though i must say i have been amazingly disciplined during these past almost four months (yes, 4 months) of inactivity as i have not gained a net pound from the day of injury through today even with some gain this week, which, is you've read me and know how much i love food {and how much food is a comfort and how much i've needed comfort during this first serious injury of this lifetime and new very lonely rehab process, not to mention other major life changes any good therapist would welcome my money to discuss for months, at least... psyche, aye?}, is quite seriously outstanding will power, discipline, and healthy habits... even moreso as my roommate has gained weight during this period, partly because she is exercising less because her primary exercise partner {that would be me} is, alas, off his feet a lot)...

anyway, perhaps it is time to renew the rehab mentality and while avoiding the critical strangers who have less sensitivity than i would like (it is sad that i must accept a lack of a supportive caring world once again, but then, that is the world i was born into and accepted it very young, so the fact that naivety and hopefulness survives in me as it does is, again, pretty amazing... so i'm a pretty amazing dude, aye?... well just look at all this positive self-talk... jackson would be so proud), stepping out to social physical activity (softball fields) again next weekend... enough grumbling about set backs, not quite full speed ahead, but forward... next weekend (oh go ahead, i'm laughing at myself :)

foot report: walking better, faster, jogging a bit with discomfort but no sharp pains... ankle report, similar... still very wobbling and not pivoting well, not putting full body weight on it yet... leg report: muscles occasionally cramping, weak but improving... body report: blah blah blah blah... eat better, exercise more, sex would be nice...

yeah, well, whatever

ok so i stepped up to the plate over the weekend and it was good overall, baby steps for sure, and besides all the whining about insensitivity from some strangers new to the team who seemed to expect me to be able to run on rough surfaces without any ankle support (simply, i went to watch the game and the game was rained out so a handful of people went to a soccer field for some hitting/fielding practice and when i declined to participate because i was recovering from the first test the day before and had come out without ankle brace or any wrap in shoes for the first time {yeah, not even sneakers with better support) i was told i was making excuses... just walking on the uneven surface was a relatively new experience for the foot/ankle... and maybe it was meant to be friendly teasing (from strangers?), but being frustrated with my inactivity already and just a sensitive child, i took a walk and nurtured myself since nobody out there cared to and then whined to myself as i sorted through clothes, so to speak - thanks harry for understanding)...

the body became quiet depressed and i don't want to go through that again, so i will skip the sunday afternoon team for rehab and wait for the other teams where a bit more sensitivity might actually happen... sometimes i really don't care what anyone thinks, i just want to take care of myself my way and even if i never really have family or a nurturing environment, i'd rather be alone sometimes than put up with people's insensitivity (selfishness, machoness, egocentricity, call it whatever, people suck sometimes)... set back?... yup...

and that's what the body thinks today...

otherwise, aside from some ache, no bad news from the foot... just must remember how important attitude, encouragement, support, confidence, and preparation is in this rehab process (especially if nobody else does)...

better every day

feeling like i want to run again, but i know i need to be very careful and i should be exercising in the gym daily to strengthen the leg and foot and ankle muscles but i've not gotten into that habit... at least i am getting out walking several times a day thanks to happiness, but pushing the muscles to strengthen them needs more than just walking... jackson hasn't been around and with the health insurance gone i have no physical therapist or coach or friend who will help, so it's all me... not even getting softball team motivation as nobody is close (except jackson and she's too busy and is discouraging me from rejoining the team... not sure if that's because they have too many people, but heck, i pay for the dang team and i don't get all the money back every season... in fact if i don't pay for the fall season by next week i lose out on the discount, but i still haven't gotten all the money for the current season... frustrating, especially with my current tighter budget... but even more frustrating is they don't seem to need me, wah wah, there are other teams that hopefully will call and want me to rehab faster and play with them)... just got to do it myself...

neck, ear, head, foot

checking in with the body, the neck has been aching all day since i woke, the usual nagging... stress?... blood pressure?... fatigue?... diet?... lack of exercise?... body position?... other?... whatever, i've hardly sat down today because the foot and leg need exercise and the neck too as too much sitting in the recliner at the laptop can aggravate the neck (which is why the pain in the neck is puzzling)... anyway, the upper body used the 10 lb dumbbells about ten minutes every hour... that (exercise) often relieves the neck pain but not today... maybe more rest, i mean real rest (de-stressed rest, which is challenging to do these days)....

and then the ear is louder than it's been in weeks, at least, so i am increasing in crankiness as the hours go by... an ordinary mind might have gone off the deep end, i mean unhinged, i mean broken down or something (audio torture induced mental illness?) by now... and if that's not enough, the head is hurting a little, probably from minimal food intake and no caffeine, but definitely third on the list... the good news is that the foot/leg is fourth on the list of pains today in spite of being up and standing and walking most of the day... hooray for good news...

now if i only had the solution to the neck and ear (besides ignoring it, which i've done for years now... doctors don't seem to take it or me seriously, probably because i don't want to take their pills... doctors are way too dependent on pills, probably because they satisfy most people who accept relief of {or masking of} symptoms as a cure... and tests are just more expensive every year and most doctors don't know enough to read advanced tests anyway... and medical malpractice has driven many doctors to have as little actual contact with patients as possible... where is dr. house when you need him, huh?... and come to thing of it, who can afford dr. house and all the tests he runs... who pays for those, anyway?... ah, but seriously would an mri and cat scan of my ear and head and neck tell them anything?)...

body thoughts, aye?

recording this moment

reaching back this week i ate minimally and relatively healthy for a modern human in this fast food processed culture, humus, pasta, nutes, a sandwich or two of processed meat and cheese... lite mayo, lite butter substitute, ketchup... i dropped some weight... and i skipped sleep too much, though sleeping more when the body asked than according to a daily clock...

in the past 36 hours i slept about four hours... waking for this current awake period about 26 hours ago... in the first twelve hours i walked, worked on the computer, watched tv, cooked, ate dinner, and along about the 13th hour started feeling sleep calling... it was then that i showered and dressed and went out to a card party... for the first time this week i drank caffeine (iced tea) and ate meat and chocolate in abundance... i played cards until about four hours ago and then drove home...

in the past three hours the body rose from fatigue to rejuvenated, the mind from groggy to clarity, the eyes from blurry to an acuity i have not experienced in several, perhaps many months or longer... while i feel body fatigue, i also feel calm, at peace, and more consciously aware of the moment and surroundings than again, in perhaps many months or longer... i write this now to record these moments for i would not mind learning precisely how i arrived here and how to repeat the process/journey...

is it the chocolate?... the sugar and fat?... the meat? (the meat was re-processed meatballs in a sweet-sour tomato-cranberry sauce made by one of the people at the party)... the caffeine (which certainly should have worn off by now, except for the amount in the chocolate, as i drank the last of the tea, just 24 ounces or so, about six hours ago)... or are the chemicals in the foods just a catalyst providing the energy to allow the mind (and eyes) to wake and return to a clarity (and acuity) that has long been buried in fatigue from overwork and external distraction...

the latter seems the most cogent explanation...

certainly logic suggests that sleep is required some time today if i am to go out tonight as planned, but at the moment i am in a very relaxed (not wired) awake place that is not asking for sleep, rather, is asking for more mental stimulation and more interaction...

so for all the whining and complaining and pain and self-destructive body and other thoughts that have been here and elsewhere, i felt recording this moment of clarity as related to the physical experience of being in this body in this time and space would be of benefit if only to remind me that it does happen...

walking better

still painful, but once i get moving the pain is much less as long as i wrap it just right and tie the sneaker right, i can walk a good distance... some muscle ache in the foot and achilles and a bit in the calf afterwards, but walking better and getting better... just have to be careful on uneven surfaces... extremely careful, actually, for the stability is very weak and wobbly, but getting better...

pushing the limits further

the foot - walking up to an hour a day, almost, and gearing up for serious physical therapy that i will research and provide for myself...

the body - the buzz of changing habits to return to exercise and keep an old promise (marathon the year i cut my hair) is screaming even louder than the tinnitus (which is quite mind-occupyingly loud lately) and hopefully i will actually start soon...

the hair - gone... so much more to say, but no sleep x3+ days = blah blah blah...

brain - no sleep for 3+ days, distracted, unfocused, bearly blurry blah blah blah...

more to follow, we hope :}

timing bad, m'ok?

yeah, it is not good to leave a job and suddenly be thrust into a job search the same day as boot removal... so i have not been using the boot or crutches for almost two weeks, but i am also not walking much... my days are spent sitting here online searching for jobs and the motivation to dress and wrap the foot and tie on the sneaker is minimal... luckily happiness, the wonder dog, begs to go outside a lot and likes to pull and walk... the pulling is challenging, almost pulling me off my feel or off balance so i almost hurt the foot and ankle... must be very careful (and a little hard on him cuz i cannot afford a re-injury what with needing to go on interviews when they finally come and no health insurance for months, bad timing, m'ok)... the good news is the foot is doing better... i am walking slowly on flat surfaces with minimal pain... dangerous are the slopes and bumpy surfaces (so stay off the grass)... just need to focus on more consistent (and more) exercise and stretching and more exercise... careful physical therapy rehab, must do it myself, motivate, careful, must... and rest, must get back to sleeping regularly... and eating regularly... stop letting this bummer job search distract me... positivity...

that is all for today, mostly a reminder :}

neglecting updates

neglecting the rehab too while i'm at it... yeah, the loss of work (i believe it was the day after the last entry here) my desk at work and i parted ways... that has left me sitting at this laptop revising resumes and cover letters and searching the job market and finding very little out there, nothing that will pay what i've been getting, so, depressing week... the body was feeling the effects (affects too) and that gave the foot yet another week of rest, but not the physical therapy or activity it needs... though not wearing the boot or using the crutches all week has been good (challenging though) for the foot... need to focus on rehab and shake the blues... alone, sigh, unless you feel like coming over and helping (what?... you think i write all these words on the web for my health?... ummmm, well, yeah, that is the primary reason, but i could keep them private, after all... i put them out here for you to read hoping you {somebody} will be interested in coming closer, becoming a friend, maybe even close... anybody out there?)... and that's the body update for today... sigh and all...

he walks the night

well, being nocturnal is nothing new, but walking outside in sneakers without crutches for the very first time tonight was new and exciting and not painful enough to consider it a mistake... to the car, to the restaurant, back to the car, drive 45 minutes home, and back from the car to home... yay, the foot survived... no trips, no stumbles, no falls... and no increase in swelling or pain afterward, even without extended elevation... recovery faster than ever (oh, what am i saying?... softball?... patience, aye?)... yay, the healing is happening...

shhhh, let's not leap to any conclusions...

walking better

without crutches (with the boot on) and if i am careful, without pain and with less swelling than before this week... hopefully i am not wasting my time at the doctor tomorrow cuz i really am hoping for some good advice about healing the plantar fascia rupture but given the lack of response from the doctor's office when i called and pressed the button the automated voice said to press to request a call back (no response) and the original misdiagnosis and the relative nonchalance of the one visit with the doctor, i am not expecting anything... how hard should i push and what risks and can he answer and... i really ought to get some sleep...

getting bettter

don't want to jinx it, but i am not regressing after walking short stints around the house or office with the boot on... even without the boot at home from one room to the other isn't setting me back too far... the same pain areas continue to flare up, swell, throb, and ache for a while after walking, but not as much as past weeks... still not walking without crutches more than five to ten total minutes a day though... and while i still must elevate regularly to keep the pain down, improvement is good...

feeling alone tonight... but at least the foot is getting better...

still, the foot

healing is happening and some walking on the foot is happening, but the reaction from the plantar fascia is not great so the walking is minimal and very low pressure... i should be ok getting to our seats for la cage aux folles thursday and saturday if i call ahead and arrange to walk to the aisle before the crowd... our seats are center of a long row thursday and third row left center saturday, so once i get there i show be ok... i still haven't found time to call the doctor and they haven't called me back (which is so typical and yet, still sad) and my guess is they will do little, maybe suggest an expensive oprthopedic insert for when i can finally get a shoe on... swelling still happens after walking, the ligaments are healing slowly... the pain at the site of the tibia break flairs if i put too much pressure on it or try to turn the ankle... there is more range of motion, just not much... not being able to walk is getting old, not to mention not being able to run...

and so it goes as time goes by...

pushing the foot

getting a little better every day as long as i keep the boot on when i am walking, but more walking than i want to do cuz work is so busy... healing continues... top ligaments and plantar fascia still swelling after walking... the plantar fascia remains a throbbing knot after walking... the fracture stings a little after walking... some muscle burn achilles and others... more skin itching... still didn't get a minute to call the doctor for a rescheduled appointment... must make time tomorrow... so tired... must get the rest...

was good for a while

and then, i hopped around a bit cooking dinner and cleaning up... maybe the mistake was not wearing the boot because not the plantar fascia is aching throbbing and curling the foot oddly and i probably should wear the boot or a splint more often to maintain the natural arch or something like that... there must be something other than the full boot for this... alas, i wish i didn't miss the doctor's appointment... and i wish the doctor's office called me back like they said they would friday...and i wish this foot would heal already... anyway, there is improvement and maybe this is the healing process for a plantar fascia rupture... think healing thoughts...think healing thoughts...think healing thoughts...

much better without the walking

though i didn't eat anything but nuts today... i can afford to lose weight, but the foot needs protein and balance... taking vitamins and a few supplements... out of walnuts though and fish oil doesn't have the right fatty acid and the omega-3 hasn't arrived yet... and i still have the weeks work clothes in the laundry in the dryer... and i didn't take a shower... but the foot is much better when i do not walk on it and when i do not try to hop around the house a lot... the healing continues... minimal swelling too... the diagnosis is confirmed more with each passing day... no rhoids, that's good news... wish there was something other than rest and wait i can do... even exercising other body parts makes the foot hurt more as the blood pressure and pulse rising makes it throb and it is not easy to not move the foot muscles at all when trying to push other muscles no matter what the exercise... dealing with the frustration and impatience as well as i am able... writing it out helps... and that's the body thoughts for today...

physical focus

everything is so very physical, the body, that is, self-focused, distracted, it is a real pain in the neck... no really, i mean the pain in the neck is very distracting... and some headaches and here i go wondering again if it is posture (the reminder from my youth to get the spine and therein my head straight was the stiff neck, after all) or maybe the blood pressure is playing some role and leaving me what may rudely be called a sophie's choice (as if anything can be that bad), die from high blood pressure or die from the medications the medical profession use to try to control high blood pressure...

and then there's the foot... rough day, but hopefully still healing... more hopefully healing right and not getting permanently damaged by the walking i have to do... some of the people at work are amazing in their lack of compassion and unwillingness to help as they watch me struggle to carry papers or hold open doors while on crutches... tomorrow should be fun as i have a few hours of meetings with the most inconsiderate folk of all who enjoy pouncing on weakness and making others feel like crap, what a life... luckily they don't affect me much anymore, but the foot won't make it any easier...

there are body thoughts?... well, sorta... heal already, dammit! :}