slight delay

yeah, so last weekend was a slight fiasco when it came to the rehab process as my morale was flushed down the toilet and blah blah blah so i skipped this week and distracted myself with intellectual fun and food and yeah, probably put on a pound or few (though i must say i have been amazingly disciplined during these past almost four months (yes, 4 months) of inactivity as i have not gained a net pound from the day of injury through today even with some gain this week, which, is you've read me and know how much i love food {and how much food is a comfort and how much i've needed comfort during this first serious injury of this lifetime and new very lonely rehab process, not to mention other major life changes any good therapist would welcome my money to discuss for months, at least... psyche, aye?}, is quite seriously outstanding will power, discipline, and healthy habits... even moreso as my roommate has gained weight during this period, partly because she is exercising less because her primary exercise partner {that would be me} is, alas, off his feet a lot)...

anyway, perhaps it is time to renew the rehab mentality and while avoiding the critical strangers who have less sensitivity than i would like (it is sad that i must accept a lack of a supportive caring world once again, but then, that is the world i was born into and accepted it very young, so the fact that naivety and hopefulness survives in me as it does is, again, pretty amazing... so i'm a pretty amazing dude, aye?... well just look at all this positive self-talk... jackson would be so proud), stepping out to social physical activity (softball fields) again next weekend... enough grumbling about set backs, not quite full speed ahead, but forward... next weekend (oh go ahead, i'm laughing at myself :)

foot report: walking better, faster, jogging a bit with discomfort but no sharp pains... ankle report, similar... still very wobbling and not pivoting well, not putting full body weight on it yet... leg report: muscles occasionally cramping, weak but improving... body report: blah blah blah blah... eat better, exercise more, sex would be nice...

pushing the limits further

the foot - walking up to an hour a day, almost, and gearing up for serious physical therapy that i will research and provide for myself...

the body - the buzz of changing habits to return to exercise and keep an old promise (marathon the year i cut my hair) is screaming even louder than the tinnitus (which is quite mind-occupyingly loud lately) and hopefully i will actually start soon...

the hair - gone... so much more to say, but no sleep x3+ days = blah blah blah...

brain - no sleep for 3+ days, distracted, unfocused, bearly blurry blah blah blah...

more to follow, we hope :}

omigeesh

aching like i have not ached in years mostly (we hope) because i laid off the exercise for a month or so and it was cold (30-50 degrees) this weekend and i was out 11 hours two days in a row and ate a lot of junk and drank a lot of sugar and caffeine and the body pain sensors are warping cuz of the daily aspirin and the muscle pain, elasticity, and regeneration is warping cuz of the statin drugs in the red yeast extract and age is starting to show signs of becoming the mointain it can and eventually will be as time passes in this life... as much as the brain wants to will the body to stay young forever, the body has other ideas it seems... and each time i feel this, it feels more alone... alas, the fun is worth it though (and the weekend was major softball, outdoor, friends and food fun :)

still, would be nice to feel a long warm hug now... in a hot tub lol :)

they call it pigaroni

well, somebody might... so i was exhausted a few hours ago after a long week of work and driving (two days out of town five hours there and five hours back and long full day meeting in between) and two days of packing and lifting and moving boxes of paper (office moving) and another ordinary long work day way back at the start of the week and naturally, not enough sleep in between so i leave work exhausted (did i mention i was exhausted?) and head to play softball (cuz i was surprised by a call yesterday and said yes cuz i love softball but didn't think about the fatigue, nor about the tournament i will play tomorrow and sunday) and after the game i am hungry and here's where the title comes in... taco bell pig-out... T6 and T4 and Beefy Crunchy box and 5-layer and mountain dew (just a medium and didn't even finish it and there are leftovers for tomorrow, three tacos, yeah) and now i am wired, totally wired, fool, should be sleeping and i am totally wired... should sleep, foolish and unhealthy not to according to conventional medical wisdom, but wired... totally wired... did i mention wired?...

eat crap and feel great, it makes no conventional medical sense, but hey, it is what it is... and so, somebody come on and convince me otherwise cuz i really would like to live a few more years, ya know?...

laughter is healthy lol :)

reports of constipation have been greatly exaggerated

while the irreverence of this found it's way into another blog hole, the fact is these are body thoughts and that is what this blog was created for and it surely isn't used as consistently and positively as it should, so here's another entry... as the title suggests, the body does stuff every day that we don't much talk (no less write about, but still it happens and if we are lucky (and taking good care of the body overall), it happens regularly and well (and i don't just mean sex or masturbation)... in a nutshell (though it musta been a huge nut), i roughly estimate that i deposited twenty pounds of waste into the porcelain receptacle over this weekend (and it ain’t over yet)… if that is way too much tmi, you may be in the wrong place as that’s just one of the exciting features of this blog and what we are here for, after all… so i pondered and realized that on the one hand it is a blessing that this body can still process so much food from healthy to junk in such a short period of time (yay for the holiday season, no doubt) and on the other hand, it is a curse that this body does not get sick enough to make me stop such ridiculously suicidal (but ever so fun) pig-out binges of culinary and oral self-indulgence (check out white wolf café next time you are in town… yes, a restaurant review right here in botts, can i get any more . . . oh, fill in your own description term this time, will ya?)….

feeling good, though larger than life in too many ways... what was that declaration i made to jackson?... to be 190 and running daily and doing weight work by the time she gets back down here next month?... luckily, she didn't respond so i am not help to it, right?...

nyuk nyuk, narf :)

no barf :)

yeah, right

so after dropping a bit of revealing connection type information here for the offering for those who care enough to explore beyond the body thoughts, i chose to push through the abdominal distress and play softball (running hard, hitting well, pitching even better, yay) and then fast food frenzy the body tonight, including the mountain dew... so far, the body is not screaming in rebellion (if we do not count the ear ringing that warns of the blood pressure which is definitely high after the fast food and sugar-caffiene rush), but the wisdom behind the impulse knows better...

still, it turns me on (the physical pleasures of life, that is)... i so relate to the messenger character in city of angels even if the body thinks that just might be suicidal thinking... loving the hedonistic life for as long as it lasts...

and how are you? :)

weighty thoughts

amused enough by this (e)thereal entry that probably belonged here that i bring it here, yeah, that's right, i'm bringing it...

i have a doctor's appointment on monday and kinda sorta lead him to believe i would seriously consider a limited partial almost committment to actual dietary changes to fascilitate actual weight loss and gee, i didn't do it... so do i semi-starve myself for the next five days or do i celebrate my four day weekend with the dinner i so deserve and kinda sorta want...

the decision, for the moment at least, is to eat a can of vegetable soup. a bag of light pop corn, and some raw unsalted pecans... my taste buds are moderately unimpressed and that part of my brain craving a meatball parm sub is cursing my higher functioning brain's decision...

i don't know if i'll keep this up till monday, but i did wake early and run this morning... and will a week (i've been eating light and healthy since monday) of sudden strict healthy light diet will really matter?... only if it's followed by thirty more weeks (or at least days) of the same to change the metabolism and drop the weight and then, the occasional new york hot dog with red onions (had more than a few of those sunday) and meatball parm sub and massive extra everything pizza and piles of pasta with rich sauces and and decadent chocolate mousse cake and milk shakes and and and...

this does not bode well for a week of serious change... but at least there is a start... perhaps one day of decadence a week might keep the wight loss program on track until the magic 180 (heck, i remember a lower number being the goal once upon a time) mark is reached once again...

sure, time will tell :)

belly bloat

yeah, again, the belly bloat was quite noticeable as i tried to swing the bat at softball today as my arms felt like lead weights and my belly taunted my back and so i barely swung cuz i did not want to strain anything further than already strained by the belly bloat and while pitching went fine, i must reduce the belly bloat and strengthen my core and upper body if i want to actually hit with any consitency and reasonable power... so says the body, core, torso, and arms especially... we did win both games and i walked twice and would have walked a third time if i wanted to but the last time up we were up something like 19-3 so i just swung at a bad pitch with a 3-1 count and lined the ball at the second baseman who dropped it but the runner on first did not run and therefore was tagged out... shows up late, misses the first game, complains all game, and no hustle, but i didn't say anything to her as we won big... my focus remains on the belly bloat s it should... tomorrow...

bloaty belly

softball started up again tonight and i noticed the bloated belly has become a fixture the last few weeks as i work 12+ hour days without food and then eat and nod off when i get home and though it did wake in the middle of the night and make it to the gym again since the last entry here, it's fatigue from overwork and eating one meal late and lack of sleep that's getting to me and no writing, creativity, sharing, and loving that is missing big time and so the body bloats... and yet, i wear large shirts comfortable, which means i am not as big as i get when i must wear extra large shirts only... maybe i'm getting smaller as i age... anybody wanna grow older with me? (cuz we're not gonna grow old, right?)... alas, the rub is that there's nobody around my age who plays softball and basketball and runs and stays up all night and still parties like a little kid and most younger folk just don't have the experience to understand and while their little bodies are cute, there's so much more going on in my mind than anybody else i know so... is this body talk? lol lam :)

hiccups

last week i suddenly without planning changed dietary paths back to serious veggie light cutting out soda caffeine sugar fat and all the processed stuff i was eating so much of (and i haven't had italian or anything outside either) and i dropped more than ten pounds to see 199 on the scale one the bottom-out morning... the body is about 203 at the moment as i pigged out on late night veggies with sauces the past two nights, but still on the way down and hopefully will see the 170s by the end of the year again... at least the low 180s... still having too much fun to take the lean mean fighting machine seriously though (but the teenage dream is not gone either, cha know :)

could be

it may all come down to this, that i indulge my oral senses and body with tastes and foods and all the chemical reactions that come with the chemicals in foods because i no longer believe there is someone in this world who will really get me and more, want to share everything and if that person is not out there, why bother denying myself the sensual pleasures i can find that are out there... not frustraion, but pure pleasure?... what a novel idea :)

feel free to offer any other logical reasoning :)

and then i laugh

all the emo drama, complaints, self-berating, blah blah blah and so on... yeah, it's great to be thin, to be light, to move smoothely and reach for the optimal physical experience in this life, but heck, i am so comfortable in my skin it is ridiculous to lay the wah wah guilt trip on myself... truth is, it is all so all in the mind...

and then i laugh :)

dare i not?

or dare i do?... climbing on the scale again is not happening lately, but i suspect i've rises well above 200 again... so let's see... yup. though not as bad as i almost thought, still at 202 all this time after the holidays... indulging in food cuz it tastes so good, cuz masturbation is simply not enough stimulation for the body cuz the taste buds are so sensual too and i am so very oral (come to think of it, i do miss kissing)...

anyway, drop 30 pounds by when? :}

ironiculous

ridicuny?... yes, well, i am here... the game broke and i am here... i pigged out on pizza and chocolate and chips and the stuff i had not had in months this week, and i am here... i dropped 40 pounds as of last week and gained back 10 this week and i am here... ironic?... ridiculous?... silly me, making good progress, but what fun is progress without some slippage... three steps forward, two steps back, and one to the side... that's the ticket... the great news is i now consider 185 fat... imagine how out of touch i was when i was over 220... playing softball 4x a week... doing a bit of running... working way too many hours... eating mostly very healthy (in spite of the divergence of this week)... the body smiles, the mouth laughs, the happy medium is on the horizon... life is good, even though it's still lonely, it's very good... how about you? :)

circular motion

yeah, up and down, back to 192, back to 199.8, and round and round and round again... that was may... focus just was not there... maybe it was the disappointment in the people (softball teams, work colleagues, old friends, the human race, all the little things)... maybe it was the unresolved (uninvited?)... maybe it was (was?... isn't it still is-ing?... like now?) just boredom fueling the ambivalence that replaced the joyous optimism and hope and belief in love and life and pleasure and caring and sharing and peace and love (did i meantion love?) and happiness and romance and passion and idealism and beauty and promises and love (mustn't forget the love) and the dreams... maybe it's just getting old...

so why am i still giggling?

aches and bloats

all this farting around about taking care of me has me hurting and feeling neglected and lonelier than ever... yeah, it's me, the body... i don't get to talk nearly as much as i should given the title of this blog, but i sneak a few words in past the babbler and mind-people when nobody is looking in the wee hours, usually after i get put to bed right after dinner cuz i am begging so hard for the extra rest... i really need to find better ways to get what i need...

yes, bodies have needs and i know how the mind-people hate the word and the concept, except maybe when it comes to a good love song or some really fine milk chocolate, wait, the latter is me too, but that's besides the point (oh no, i'm not sure if i am a babbling body or if the babbler is taking over... can a body have an out of body experience?...

ahem... the costocondritis thing still tears into my chest when i sneeze or cough, so i try not to but the mind-people cannot always control me... i've been able to play softball with less pain and i think the pills are helping a lot... some long chemical name starting with g and a half dozen other herbal-type pills (i trust the mind-people to keep track of that stuff, i mean, as much as i complain about them sometimes, they have kept me alive and kicking {and kicking hard} for a long time) are helping a lot...

i am still quite bloated most of the time though... eating too much in one sitting does that... and eating too much of the fattening stuff... though it tastes so good... not enough exercise, for sure, cuz even though i play softball several times a week, i do not actually work out as much playing softball as i did going to the gym... the aerobics are much less and the duration of intensity is much less and i do hope i get dragged to the gym soon and more often...

what about right now?... aches and bloats and costo-whatever?... good excuses... there's always hope, right?... yeah, i remember how to throw the mind-people's words back at them... nyuk and all... hopefully next time i find myself at the keyboard i'll be less achy and less bloated... all in all, it's been a great life for a body... lonelier than i'd like, especially recently, but still a great life...

hope your mind-people gave you one too :)

sometimes sleep

is all the body really needs...

not that the bloat goes away, but the pounding in the head does... no eating after six pm and sleep, that would be a good habit to get into... if only i would still not wanting to do that all by myself... shhhh, it's a wonderful morning, let's continue that :)

ya know, for a body, you've got a pretty good head :)

body aches

it has ached better (have i?), but still it's better than it has been and yet it bloats from waist to fingers and muscles whisper what a fool i've been (yes, you have)... but only in the physical world (ummmm)... only in the physical world (where do you think i live, idjit?).

the right arm, especially what is called tennis elbow even though mine comes from pitching a softball close to a thousand times a week, is stiff... the legs, especially calves, are stiff from all the steps of the move (second floor to second floor)... and while the arms and legs beg for food, especially protein but also all the other food groups, the extra 20-30 pounds that is the belly remains an intruder slowing me down and getting in my way (obviously diet will not change this, nor the exercise of running and lifting and softball i do... it's gonna take (shudder) abs work... yes, abdominal exercise... sits ups, which used to be a favorite as a younger child and an ego boost as a teen (as i was confident i could do more sit-ups faster in one sitting than anyone at school, just as i was confident i could out-distance run anybody as well), the same sit-ups that are not the dread of dreads for this body when it comes to exercise... obviously, the body needs a good fit sex partner...

don'tcha just love my obvious solutions... obviouslies (eye roll, pppllleeasse:)

obviously not enough

Dear Brain,

Yes, playing softball twice a week is better than nothing, much better than nothing, actually (and hopefully it will be twice a week, though for the moment it looks like it might only be once a week, dammit), but it is obviously not enough. Do you hear me brain? I am slowly dying at a gradually increase rate with each lazy year and if you do not send signals to the legs to run more and to the other muscles to exercise more, I will be dead (and that just might be the end of you, for all we know). Besides, I will perform much better (and you will be much happier, especially your ego) if you get me in better shape.

Sincerely,
Your Body

less sleep

just when i thought i could not cut sleep time down any further and still enjoy an active successful life, i am sleeping less than ever before in this life (who says such madness is for the young?... and who says i am old?)... and you tell me i, body, am bold, brazen, but also a fool on the edge of death due to living without sleeping...

and eating twice as much as i need, if i was sane, i'd ask for a lobotomy.

if i was crazy, i'd give myself one.

instead, i sit here wishing someone would come along and share the living beyond sleep deprivation and sensual stupor none have yet to share in this life... dreaming wide awake, drifing through the starry starry night like a comet, acting as if i will never burn out.

body talks, who listens?