solitary determination

well, i grew tired of looking outside of myself for inspiration to exercise (all along i had been hoping that living with someone in a body that is more than two decades younger than the body i inhabit would inspire me to be more active and exercise more but she works so much she rarely has time or energy and now has a relationship taking even more of her time lately so i hardly see her... maybe i needed someone three decades younger, or four, even lol...

everybody gets so old so fast in this life (ah, who gets my humor? :)

the foot, by the way, is doing fine... wrapped good and tight, no pain in the foot or the leg muscles... reasonable strain in both calf and abdominal muscles (sadly, signs of atrophy and aging are evident all over the dang body... alas, dissatisfaction keeps me alone, physically (can you hear my body sigh?)... somehow, i must find someone to laugh with me... preferably as we make love...

ok, back to the immediate physical reality... so i jog/walked another 5k tonight and i realized how much backsliding i have been doing living outside of myself so much so whatever, there are no excuses outside of myself and here are the numbers...

ten laps... 3:34.0 4:14.3, 4:16.7, 4:17.9, 4:18.8, 4:43.6, 4:39.8, 4:54.4, 4:26.8, 4:07.7... 43:34.0 total time... an approximate 5k, possible a bit longer, but close enough to let me consistently call it a 5k... and after a full day at work and being awake 14 hours... not too bad, but shamefully pitiful compared to what i know the body can do it it is not wasted away... so what will i do now... rest... the more important questions is what will i do tomorrow...

i did not have running partners as a kid... or a teen,... or a young adult... i was a solitary runner... love and the desire for a relationship was an inspiration, but it was just me out on the road day after day, mile after mile... it was loving the feeling of the high during the run and loving the feeling of fitness and awareness after and between the runs... so is the solitary determination that drove me to run a 2:40 marathon (that is 2 hours and 40 minutes) once and sub 3 hour marathons more than a dozen times return before it is time to die?... will the solitary determination that drove me to run a 4:40 mile (that's four minutes and 40 seconds) once and many sub five minute miles and routine sub 6 minute miles return?... routinely running 15 miles in 89:54 minutes (that's 89 minutes, 54 seconds - averaging sub 6 minute miles for 15 miles)?... and 60 or more miles a week...

mostly those are just memories now, not realistic goals considering the years of backsliding i've allowed this body to do... a few years ago, maybe five, i run/jogged eight miles in just under ninety minutes... but can i, on just my solitary determination, return to consistently running again, not just jog/walking, without dying first?...

one step at a time...

pushing the limits further

the foot - walking up to an hour a day, almost, and gearing up for serious physical therapy that i will research and provide for myself...

the body - the buzz of changing habits to return to exercise and keep an old promise (marathon the year i cut my hair) is screaming even louder than the tinnitus (which is quite mind-occupyingly loud lately) and hopefully i will actually start soon...

the hair - gone... so much more to say, but no sleep x3+ days = blah blah blah...

brain - no sleep for 3+ days, distracted, unfocused, bearly blurry blah blah blah...

more to follow, we hope :}

sleep is good

gave the body (and mind) a solid night sleep by closing my eyes and keeping them closed for at least 9 hours and woke without an alarm before the sun all energized and went out running (18:59.1 for five laps, which is about a half 5k) and gonna shower and write and relax and then head to work... sleep is good :)

5K times

the 5K may become the measure i use for improvement now... years ago it was mile times, one mile, two miles, three miles, all the way up to 15 miles and then a marathon... the fact that the 5K is a popular timed public run these days allows me to get out with other runners and get timed and the fact that 10 times around my apartment community is just over 5K makes 5K the easiest distance to time and measure...

it would help if i didn't accidentally reset the stopwatch as i cross the halfway mark... i did make the first half in under 20 though, i won't claim 19 cuz i reset it, but i can fairly claim 19:30... and the second half in 21:45 makes this a 5K in under 42 minutes... i will do an under 40 minute 5K this year... in fact, i may shoot for an under 35 minute 5K if i actually get my ass in gear...

i sort of committed to under 180 pounds by 2012 too... better get to it, aye?...

bumping it up

free lunch at work, so i eat barbecued meat... dinner invite from roommate, so i eat sushi for dinner... then cupcakes... and finishing the night with chips and chocolate milk... belly grows... social eating... exercise (three softball games last night, but then the team went to celebrate winning the championship so fried shrimp and mountain dew... more ountain dew today), but not vigorous enough and so, bloat... age too... and who cares besides me (and do i care enough?)...

well, balancing the hedonism and health-nut life is not always perfect, but hey, we can always try again tomorrow as long as i wake up again, right? :)

feel free to jump in anytime :)

activity partner(s)

that is one of the most important thing missing in this life these days, activity partners who will play will me... tennis partners... softball workout partners... gym partners... running partners... we won't even get into sex partners here as that is yet another story for yet another entry for yet another blog... as the years have passed i enjoy the solitary exercise i used to love (long runs especially) less and less and i want to share the physical fun more and more, so i find myself letting much needed rest and other necessary fun (like writing, playing mind games, reading, and communicating with others) take the place of solitary physical activity and without an activity partner that means not enough physical activity so... thinking about this...

anybody wanna play [insert activity] with me? :)

yeah, right

so after dropping a bit of revealing connection type information here for the offering for those who care enough to explore beyond the body thoughts, i chose to push through the abdominal distress and play softball (running hard, hitting well, pitching even better, yay) and then fast food frenzy the body tonight, including the mountain dew... so far, the body is not screaming in rebellion (if we do not count the ear ringing that warns of the blood pressure which is definitely high after the fast food and sugar-caffiene rush), but the wisdom behind the impulse knows better...

still, it turns me on (the physical pleasures of life, that is)... i so relate to the messenger character in city of angels even if the body thinks that just might be suicidal thinking... loving the hedonistic life for as long as it lasts...

and how are you? :)

last seen heading in a circular direction

out for another run, 6 laps 2358 and 7 in 28:23, tougher than the past two runs cuz of fatigue, meat fatigue as i call it, and the heat of the day too and a bit of grogginess and not having the mind just right so the stamina wasn't quite there so the first lap was a push to keep it under 4 minutes as was every other lap, but heck, still did the 6 laps in under 4 minutes a lap so sigh (i mean yay)...

still eating the meatloaf so the wight is not changing, maybe even going up... the legsa are thin as ever, but the torso continues to be blooated... next week, maybe the diet will balance better... and sleep and other stuff and gee by golly wiz, i'm awful tired now... and just lonely enough to still be awake writing, aye?...

ought to get some sleep, huh? (narf :)

second run

this week, that is... maybe the start of another increased exercise phase and maybe the start of a return to the physical me (if there is still time), but anyway... another timed lap count around the community, seven laps this time (this time?... did i even mention i timed a run/walk around the community one morning this past week?... 22 minutes and change for five and a half laps, setting my goal for the moment at under 4 minute laps for at least five laps... it was a nice cool morning and i slept until waking naturally cuz i went to bed shortly after getting home from work and while i missed writing and me time, yay for enough sleep and back to now again) with the final lap walked and the first ran and the five middle laps walked and run, or ran, whichever might work... this time i started the first lap off faster than last time (last time was 3:33 and this time it was just over 3 minutes) which, combined with the day time heat and the fatigue cuz i did not wake naturally, took it's toll so i didn't run three full laps as i did last time, but i still did the six laps in under 4 minutes per lap (23:31) which is the minimum pace i seem to have set for myself and the last lap walked in five minutes or so kept the seven laps under 30 minutes (actually 28:35 or so) so... it's a decently good day considering how long it's been since i actually was in shape by my standards (and will never actually be there again due to natural deterioration of the body due to time, but that reality does not have to be a downer as long as i once again reach maximum potential in the moment before i die... somewhere in my mind i always thought it would be this far along in life, just wish it didn't have to be, ya know?)...

well, maybe somebody knows :)

weighty thoughts

amused enough by this (e)thereal entry that probably belonged here that i bring it here, yeah, that's right, i'm bringing it...

i have a doctor's appointment on monday and kinda sorta lead him to believe i would seriously consider a limited partial almost committment to actual dietary changes to fascilitate actual weight loss and gee, i didn't do it... so do i semi-starve myself for the next five days or do i celebrate my four day weekend with the dinner i so deserve and kinda sorta want...

the decision, for the moment at least, is to eat a can of vegetable soup. a bag of light pop corn, and some raw unsalted pecans... my taste buds are moderately unimpressed and that part of my brain craving a meatball parm sub is cursing my higher functioning brain's decision...

i don't know if i'll keep this up till monday, but i did wake early and run this morning... and will a week (i've been eating light and healthy since monday) of sudden strict healthy light diet will really matter?... only if it's followed by thirty more weeks (or at least days) of the same to change the metabolism and drop the weight and then, the occasional new york hot dog with red onions (had more than a few of those sunday) and meatball parm sub and massive extra everything pizza and piles of pasta with rich sauces and and decadent chocolate mousse cake and milk shakes and and and...

this does not bode well for a week of serious change... but at least there is a start... perhaps one day of decadence a week might keep the wight loss program on track until the magic 180 (heck, i remember a lower number being the goal once upon a time) mark is reached once again...

sure, time will tell :)

gym two

so wise or not, i am not in the second night of going to the gym in the middle of the night instead of going back to sleep after waking from my approximately four hour name in the living room chair and while i hope i am not waking jackson or happiness and i hope i am not in the way nodding off in the living room and i do not believe i am as she sleeps with a fan on and goes to bed early i still must go with this recently rather sudden remotivation to exercise again and if i focus on anything else i might distract myself and let the laziness take the wheel and so i continue, i hope, and eat more earlier and less later and hope...

almost attraction, bloat, drag, habits, lam, lonely, muscle burn, pathetic, plea, pushing, ridiculoso, sensuality, smile, stupid, survive, waste, but not quite, aye?...

tired much? :)

could be

it may all come down to this, that i indulge my oral senses and body with tastes and foods and all the chemical reactions that come with the chemicals in foods because i no longer believe there is someone in this world who will really get me and more, want to share everything and if that person is not out there, why bother denying myself the sensual pleasures i can find that are out there... not frustraion, but pure pleasure?... what a novel idea :)

feel free to offer any other logical reasoning :)

gym at midnight

running on caffeine and adrenaline, only 3-4 hours sleep and still, made it to the gym around midnight and the body loved it, even if the heart gives out tomorrow, it felt fantastic tonight... and without a lover, after all, what pleasure can i experience... masturbation, exercise, creative play, and food...

meet me at the gym at midnight :)

and then i laugh

all the emo drama, complaints, self-berating, blah blah blah and so on... yeah, it's great to be thin, to be light, to move smoothely and reach for the optimal physical experience in this life, but heck, i am so comfortable in my skin it is ridiculous to lay the wah wah guilt trip on myself... truth is, it is all so all in the mind...

and then i laugh :)

face stuffing is a full time job

yeah, it is, you know it if you've ever done it... and delicious can be found everywhere, so unless i go nowhere and say no to everything, i continue to bloat enough to not drop under 200 pounds... but i've got a couple of weeks before the imaginary deadline and sort-of promise i made myself by telling someone else i agree to do it... and besides, the body feels much better not bloated, so why in the world would i continue trading a few minutes of oral ecstasy for twenty four hours of bloat each day... rhetorical, of course... get real...

ups and downs

the severity of change that would usually happen when i make a commitment to change habits and drop some serious weight has not happened, but some change is happening in spite of an extremely busy schedule that does not allow time for recovery/rest or other basic chores like routine laundry and house cleaning and so on... the lack of daily interaction with the only person with a healthy influence does not help at all as the hedonistic influences and habits are a powerful force, but we'll see if she cares enough to keep in touch enough to influence...

of course i know it is up to me to make changes in me for myself, but with no one to share the lifestyle, i don't feel like being even more isolated from people than i already am because of my different perspectives... the daily sharing is still with people who head to wing houses after games, for instance... and i just might would rather live fewer years with companionship than more years alone... deeper understanding into the current habits?...

yup... ups and downs...

food

the body needs balance most of all... the body needs food to live and yet, the body craves all sorts of physical/sensual stimulation and when food becomes the dominant one, or worse, the only one, health suffers and everything else follows and no amount of exercise can change it... don't let that happen...

(anymore)...

ok body, so talk

yeah, well, ok, so... was it last week?... the 27th, to be precise, so... saturday?... yes, twice on saturday 40 minutes each time on the elliptical machine with improvement... a mile in 12 minutes, then 3 miles in just over 40 minutes the first time... and 2 miles in 24 minutes, with 3 miles in 38 minutes the second time... and then monday (cuz sunday the gym was too crowded, but i did jog on down)... 2 miles in 21 minutes with a 3x10 rep 4 station (40 down curl, 50 curl, 105 seated bench press, 105 pull down) upper body workout (arms/chest/upper back) prior to the elliptical... and now today, fourth time in 6 days, 1 mile in 9:50 and 2 miles in 20 minutes with the same 3x10 rep (60/60/120/120) after the elliptical (avg mph 5.7, avg pulse 138)... all 4 workouts i made a peak pulse of at least 160 and maintained an avg over 130... no sharp pains, some burn, no lingering aches, feeling in touch and in control... definitely felt the sugar rush from the party last night (and the four hours sleep), but continued progress/improvement is a good sign even though there is a very long way to go (months, at least?) to return to optimal weight and satisfactory condition...

so we're not dead yet, but stay tuned :)

gym log

12/27 day, 42 ellip (elp), just under 3m(min), 12m 1st(mile)
12/27 eve, 42 ellip, under 12m 1st, 24, 2nd, 38m 3rd
12/29 eve, 22 elp,11m 1st,21m 2nd,4station 3x10rep(40/40/105/105)
1/1 day, 22 elp, 9:50 1st, 20 2nd, 4stat 3x10rep, (60/60/120/120)

yay, now just continue...

time for me

screaming through a runny nose that has me hacking enough to actually pour nighttime cough/cold medicine down my throat still is not keeping me home or increasing the sleep time so desperately needed for fighting off the bugs inside and rebuilding the frayed immune system that is allowing this cold/flu bug to take hold... no rest for the idiot desperately seeking attention and social interaction... i know it is the holiday season when social opportunities are frequent and hiding out leaves us all the more lonely all year, but sheesh... and i know he isn't trying to kill me, but he sure is not taking care of me right... somebody smack him and put me to bed for a week... preferably with an adorable nurse...

sincerely,
the body