yeah, but i don't just vege ya know

i mean, just to be fair and balanced in this record of the body experience (the body wants more, but it is honest too), and the body tells me that i do more than vege... i play softball several times a week most weeks throughout the year and i don't jog, i run the bases and feel the burn and want more... i wish i could play every day cuz i love the game and when i play double headers i want to play a third every time, even when i am tired... and i love running 5Ks when i sign up for them, but i do not sign up nearly enough... i love tennis, racquetball, and basketball when jackson or someone has time to play... so the fair and balanced record is that i am more active, a lot more active than the average person, especially when we look at average ages and demographics and all... still, not nearly enough exercise to satisfy me or keep the body in the condition most comfortable so all this fair and balanced crap is bull... but at least it's part of the record, aye?... posterity, ya know?...

and the body says... more exercise please :}

wow, really?

the last blog i wrote in besides the dailies was this one?... wow, but you know this really ought to be a daily as the theme/topic used to be and should be and is even if i don't write about it and record the details... oh well, life (as in the body) does not last forever (not that i need to actively cooperated with the ultimate end, aye?)...

so what brings me here is the neck again... ordinarily it does not ache unless i am overtired or sitting in the recliner head forward typing too long but more and more i am noticing a potential connection with food, as in, it hurts immediately after i eat... and the ear rings a lot louder too... so something glandular to do with increased sugar processing or simply elevating blood pressure or some other food intake related cause?... or is it just the muscle pain i used to get now and then as a younger fool that reminded me to keep my spine aligned as opposed to sloughing and hunching and all that human stuff... or something else...

in any case, the pain is annoying cuz it is distracting... and today i hardly sat at all so far as i've been cleaning and laundrying and rearranging the space, but anyway, the body thought and i recorded the thoughts here... cuz someday someone might want to know... and more immediately, cuz i want to remember (especially in case i ever get back to a doctor for a checkup, ya know?)...

seriously, enjoy life no matter what the body says... and love the body, it's the only one you may ever have... thanks body, merry xmas lol :)

activity partner(s)

that is one of the most important thing missing in this life these days, activity partners who will play will me... tennis partners... softball workout partners... gym partners... running partners... we won't even get into sex partners here as that is yet another story for yet another entry for yet another blog... as the years have passed i enjoy the solitary exercise i used to love (long runs especially) less and less and i want to share the physical fun more and more, so i find myself letting much needed rest and other necessary fun (like writing, playing mind games, reading, and communicating with others) take the place of solitary physical activity and without an activity partner that means not enough physical activity so... thinking about this...

anybody wanna play [insert activity] with me? :)

second run

this week, that is... maybe the start of another increased exercise phase and maybe the start of a return to the physical me (if there is still time), but anyway... another timed lap count around the community, seven laps this time (this time?... did i even mention i timed a run/walk around the community one morning this past week?... 22 minutes and change for five and a half laps, setting my goal for the moment at under 4 minute laps for at least five laps... it was a nice cool morning and i slept until waking naturally cuz i went to bed shortly after getting home from work and while i missed writing and me time, yay for enough sleep and back to now again) with the final lap walked and the first ran and the five middle laps walked and run, or ran, whichever might work... this time i started the first lap off faster than last time (last time was 3:33 and this time it was just over 3 minutes) which, combined with the day time heat and the fatigue cuz i did not wake naturally, took it's toll so i didn't run three full laps as i did last time, but i still did the six laps in under 4 minutes per lap (23:31) which is the minimum pace i seem to have set for myself and the last lap walked in five minutes or so kept the seven laps under 30 minutes (actually 28:35 or so) so... it's a decently good day considering how long it's been since i actually was in shape by my standards (and will never actually be there again due to natural deterioration of the body due to time, but that reality does not have to be a downer as long as i once again reach maximum potential in the moment before i die... somewhere in my mind i always thought it would be this far along in life, just wish it didn't have to be, ya know?)...

well, maybe somebody knows :)

wow, cellular memory

i forget almost every time in every conscious way when i disassociate myself from the physical shell (and the body laughs it's maniacal suicidal cheesy grin laugh as it does not have much choice and it knows it on that cellular memory level that the consciousness avoids so often, but every now and then a glimmer of a glimpse, a sliver of memory slices through as if to be placed on a slide and probes by an electron microscope (cuz that is how thin a slice it is most of the time) and when the brain turns on it's subatomic eye to perceive (because it is beyond human sight as we know it) the cellular memory, the brain floats through a sea of emotions made of every extreme as the temporary journey of life saves it from the utter despair and depths of depression that the daily suicidal choices would ordinarily bring to the ordinary normal mind...

thank goodness i am abnormal...

and the body sighs, laughed out, and blinks back into existence for the briefest moment before blinking again back into oblivion... this is life in human form in this world at this time and i finally fit in...

such a waste, and yet, a success... would amy be proud?... would the others who thought me too idealistic and lacking in common sense when i refused to conform and die, living dead cuz that was the way everyone chose?... and what if i chose to wake now?...

does anyone understand?

:)

yup

"I record for myself, but publish in the hope someone might touch the words, share the thoughts, and want to know me," says the body too (and I scream, "COPYCAT! and we giggle to ourselves cuz no one else comes around)... how silent is the lonely heartbeat's sound...

meanwhile, when the first number goes over 200 it is very bad, even if the second number stays under 100 and the other number stays under 50...

what are we?

(the body is into riddles too)...

forgetting this blog

Forgetting this blog exists does not help share the experience of rebirth I soon hope to experience, but then, I may be the only one caring to be reading at the moment, for a while, or ever. The hope that the words will be worth something to someone somewhere someday continues to breath beneath the self-satisfied uploading I do, but in the end, I do this for myself too. The good news is the body is feeling better, healing, and I continue to improve workouts at the gym nightly. I rarely forget wishing someone was sharing the journey, but I am happy that I am improving my ability to experience the journey through this life again. Even if I forget to come here to record the details every day.

last night was day eleven

I have been, in a much less formatted form, keeping notes and recording stats about the gym work. I am not sure just what I inteded to do here, keep it brief, find something meaningful, keep track of the re-building of this body I inhabit... but then, nothing happened here. Words are so transient, like everything else. What may seem profound one day is utter nonsense the next. The best we can do is continue sharing what feels real. And is anyone reading, listening, hearing, caring? Or is all this just for me. Why put it out here then. Maybe just to laugh at myself as I am doing right now. The good news is eleven consecutive days of pushing aerobic exercise is happening with continued gradual improvement. Yay. Maybe I'll have more to say next time.