hope, perhaps

ok, as is the case is often the case with the head case i can be, i subtly decided semi-consciously to eat less and maybe lighter and drop some of the excess weight because i reach the highest end of the max-weight limits beyond which the discomforts are more annoying than any diet or exercise can be (but let's not make any big deal out of it just yet, ok?)... luckily that is only about 40 pounds above the ideal weight set for this body (set be a compromise between the charts and graphs of modern science and the more important sensory apparatus monitoring this body from within)... i don't think i topped off over 220, but i saw 218 on the scale at the local supermarket that has a scale in it's lobby some time in the past week and that may have been the numerical trigger, but the awareness of the belly-bloat noted as i was running around the bases and the truths of last few entries lingered the past few days so, yay for awareness and self-caring...

there may still be hope for this who...

message from the body

why?... maybe just to be a better softball player who can run around the bases faster without breathing heavy since softball is so important to you?... and to wear the 75% of my clothes that have been in boxes since the belly grew?... and to be more body-attractive to those who are attractive to me... or maybe just to live longer!...

dummy, what a dummy this guy can be...

focus or fucus

yes, that is what the body is saying, the us being the cells, i imagine, if only to keep the grammar police at bay (and laugh)... the bottom line to this message is pretty simple, we are here, we are here, we are here! like the who's down in whoville, they tried to ignore the coming doom, but in the end, they just want to survive... so the cells inside are shouting we want to live! even though cells know they die off fast, like many are replaced every thirty days or so, but still, they know they will not regenerate without the body and the body is dying so they say focus or fucus, as either focus on living or give up and die already... impatient cells, perhaps, but they do have a valid point... and who'da thunk i'd be here, this far down the line (thank you for the haunting song, eagles)...

yeah, take life and this body seriously again... and why? :P

belly bloat

some days i do not notice it, some days it is much in my way... i think the latter experience is dependent on the former, that is, it is much more in my way when i notice it... and then i adjust diet, cuz back on sugar and salt and caffeine and fat and carbs and for 24-48 hours i feel like crap... missing the carbs is a large part of it... i feel better when i have juice and today, that is the plan so far... the left neck pain, muscle or thyroid or whatever it is, flairs up more consistently on days like these... and anytime i change the diet i must watch the kidneys for stones... reddish granular (uric acid) sediment is a routine reaction to variations in diet - too much caffeine/sugar or too much smoked processed meats (dang those smoked sausages and bacon) without balance and add exercise (dehydration, even with fluids) and it's a sure thing... no major pain, but definite discomfort and some wonkiness... belly bloat is much more obviously noticeable at these times...

stay focused and remember and reduce belly bloat and all that jazz...

did it again

disappeared, that is... the arm, the arm, the arm, great excuse... and the luxury of not working so i can sleep when i want and vege with the computer and writing and reading and tv and goofing off has lulled me back into dormancy and it really is a fool's game i play with this body, but at least i am here calling myself out on it... somewhere since i was gone i stumbled through a trail run 5k, the wekieva one... thanks to a friend who numbered me to join her... the arm is holding me back, yes, as pumping it while running hurts, but laziness is the biggest obstacle... at least softball is starting up again... but i am lethargic out there... so kick in the butt time, thanks and all that...

actually wrote this next week, for what that's worth... harumph :}

a bit of gym

went to the gym with jackson cuz she got home from work early and wanted to so yay for a light 25 minute workout on the eliptical machine... the arm moved ok back and forth but i did not use it to push or pull, just let it ride.. the lack of sleep and all the moving done during the move and packing before and stacking after and so on is definitely taking it's toll and the caffeine and sugar didn't help at all so stopping and detoxing and sleeping would be more than wise, it would be survival (especially since i have no health insurance and would not want to the last of my savings to be billed by a hospital leaving me with the alternatives of being indigent or declaring bankruptcy... who needs that stress, ya know?... so detox and sleep, m'ok?...

and back to some regular exercise cuz you want to live, right?...

numb aches

the right arm is definitely feeling the pitching and packing and moving, sore and limited movement upward and outward... no overhand throwing at all, for sure... the rest of the body is exhausted from the move... i carried way more boxes than i should have and then moved more stuff around than i should have - but the place is comfortable and completely functional and all the boxes are out of the way yet available for unpacking with relative ease... the back is strained and sore... the feet were throbbing yesterday bit are just tired today... since i slept only an hour or less since 6am yesterday morning and only got about 5 hours sinday night and not much saturday night either, the body is screaming for sleep... tonight, sleep on the bed that i still didn't set up but will sleep on anyway... a good night's sleep should take care of everything but the arm... and i just need to go back to resting the arm... and some time this week, get back to the jog/walking, please... yes, the body says please...

lost track of track again

lost track of time, too, but it seems i was seriously derailed by expectations and disappointments and consciously or subconsciously punished the body by giving it rest all week and whatever, right?... dummy, poor sad self-pathetic dummy...

hey, remember me?... yeah, the body... just when i thought he was waking up to remember how to take care of me right, he slides back into the perplexing malaise of self-indulgence sprinkled with hedonism, apathy, distraction, hysteria, laughter, and despair that helps him forget about me... so the 5k way back on the 19th was not great... something like a 43 minute time (approximated due to the long walk up to the starting line and running speed from the 10 minute {and walkers} coral)... without any sleep the prior 24+ hours... without positivity or support, internal or external...

wah wah wah, cut the shit and get off the pot... yeah, you.

narf?

off stride

ouch to the 7, maybe 8... 15 minutes of left shin splint after the run enough so concentration on recording stats was delayed as was shoe removal... oh this hurts... 4:06.1; 3:53; 4:21.4; 4:28; 4:44... 21:32.9 poor time... 25 minutes shin finally stopped throbbing and burning... also right calf almost cramping during run...

multiple factors... imbalanced stride probably near the top of the list... poor stretching... walked most of the first lap, could feel the muscle and body fatigue, heat, and lack of air (so many cars going to work/school)... sleep broken due to the dog next door barking and howling in the middle of the night which kept me up a while... they took him inside (he was on the porch at 1-2am; which hopefully won't happen again because they know he barks and howls at anything moving when he is on the porch... their porch is ten feet from ours and about the same distance from my bed) after i slammed the porch door... fatigue... stretched, but not enough... jackson was home when i was preparing and happiness was literally under my feet for attention... tomorrow prepare in bedroom... did not take vitamin before, though prob not much of a factor... did not drink enough water... did not go to bathroom... lots of factors, but fifth day in a row and not stretching enough and warmer temps and much more car exhaust fumes (the perils of running through a community parking lot) and imbalanced stride probably biggest factors...

whatever, even if rest is necessary tomorrow, continue...

day four

as if life began again four days ago, the count continues... only 5 laps today because i thought that would be sensible so i shot for a five lap best time and got it by 9 seconds... thing is, after that other 5 lap time i continued for two more laps and set the best time for 7 laps... that was day two of this four day push... so today could have been better... though muscle fatigue is felt... whatever, just continue...

3:24.7; 4:07.5; 4:17.8; 4:12.8; 4:04.7... 20:07.5... best total 2 lap, 4 lap, and 5 lap times... also best individual 2nd and 4th lap times... brain loves numbers... ego loves bests... body benefits from improvements even though it hurts... heart seems ok with the push, though lungs and diaphragm were near their limits without lung burn or cramping... shins were ok, though left shin, ankle, and foot was straining... hamstrings a little tight, but loosen up and this is expected... while a rest day should be factored in, this push must continue...

body lament and hope

ok, three... 3:36.2; 4:10.7; 4:21.2; 4:24.7; 3:59.6; 4:52.5; 4:06.8... 29:32.7... yesterday was the personal best, or PB as some runners abbreviate it... also abbreviated as PR for personal record... i've also seen BT for best time, but what's all this distraction and confusion, huh?... oh, the stupid mind and ego...

he took me out for a jog/walk again this morning... maybe he won't let me just waste away and die... he's made it challenging though... heart is still pretty strong, but it has been through a lot of waste and risky diet and the rise and fall of weight is linked to heart attacks (brain has a lot of useful, or scary information)... muscles are definitely wasted and much more aged than before and so weak... they complain a lot... and some have failed, allowing the bone to chip and the arm to fail last year, after all... and alone, he keeps me so alone...

still, this is much better than before... i hope he keeps taking me out like this and keeps carefully pushing me to do a little bit more, a little faster, a little farther... i feel so much better than i can run a few miles and right now, i can barely slow-jog a a quarter mile... so sad... but still, he created a spreadsheet to track times and weather conditions and brain likes that... he needs to add pain levels, recovery times, and my condition... brain will tell him...

i hope he continues...

remembering

when i started this blog it was meant to be a place where the body could speak, where all the brain's rational thinking would be put aside and the physical sensations were the voice... i found that voice inconsistently, but the idea is sound and though i've lost that way, it seems, i shall look for it again...

i'd also like to get back to the point where i think 185 pounds is fat :}

so remembering is a good thing and it started while jog/walking this morning and it better continue cuz i don't want to be a grumpy old man when i get old (who's old?... pfft)... yes, so i tend to start remembering again in december, which makes sense, because it is the first month of my personal calendar year (everybody has a personal calendar year, right?) and it is my remembering month (the 1st, 7th, 8th, and 16th are celebratory memory holidays for me... we can get into my personal calendar another time in another place, but anyway)... i tend to be hopeful this time of year... but the roller coaster up and down ride i put this body through is ridiculous and dangerous to body health... so i am going to attempt to find that body voice again... it probably doesn't like me very much...

i don't like him very much...

he woke up a little this morning, but it is not much fun having a brain and consciousness that is out of touch with me... hope he wakes up and remembers that he is nothing without me... or whatever, but nothing in this life at least... take care of me better or else, ya know?...

oh yeah, and i am a boy, not an it :P

push more

yes, 3:20.9; 4:16.3; 4:05.8; 4:29.6; 4:02.9; 4:34.9: 4:14.4... 29:04.8... best time yet... finally some improvement... still mediocre at best, but doesn't suck as much when there is at least a bit of improvement... recognizing that i did not get passed the initial surge of lactic acid and breathing... there are lots of tips and advice for breathing for runners and non-runners alike... it is second nature to me from years of running but it is something i am forgetting (are you forgetting the face of your father, roland?) as well... the key is getting passed the initial lactic acid rusg and initial oxygen panic, that first out-of-breath feeling, and then maintaining a steading pace so the breathing pattern brings enough oxygen in (and gets enough carbon dioxide out) to allow a sustained pace and not a situation where breathing becomes more labored with each lap... i know what i mean better than i can explain it, the point is i was not remembering this and therefore giving in to the initial oxygen panic... dummy...

still, for sure a long long way to go and weight to drop... i am completing the first lap without stopping the last few jog/walks, which is a good sign... and while strain during the jog/walk, no shin splints and no pain during recovery, another good sign... so continue...

not daily, but

yes, and doing it for the first time without the ankle brace... the left shin splints were not nearly as bad this time... 3:37.9; 4:09.8; 4:56.5; 4:21.0; 4:27.1; 5:39.7; 4:47.9... 31:59.9 total for seven laps... mile pace: 13:58 avg mph: 4.297 avg lap: 4.329... mediocre at best, but the good news is that it is another jog/walk... i did not realize so many days went by this week... maybe that helped the shin splint issue... or maybe taking the ankle brace off did... or both... anyway, not good... i must do this more often... maybe keeping stats will help... is there an easy way to put a table in one of these blog posts?... research... dropping some weight would help for sure... continue...

left shin screaming

ok, so we are going to give the left shin more attention... i don't know if it is wearing the brace or favoring the leg or being out of shape or something else... i know it is partly favoring as i am experiencing imbalanced strains as i am running in my legs and lower back... the lower back is not pain, just the usual running strain, but it is imbalanced so my stride is imbalanced... something to pay attention to...

2.5K... this time a full five laps... pushing the time a bit 3:41.2; 4:38.1; 4:19.4; 4:53.0; 4:07.0... 21:38.7 total... still pathetic even by the standards of last year when i was dropping into the mid-30s (minutes) for a 10k... slow jog the first lap and i was feeling it in my abs - that is how out of shape they are... and that shine splint thing must be resolved... focus the stride, the breathing, and continue...

ok, two

as in two days in a row... 4:02.1; 4:28.1; 4:29.4; 4:36.2; 17:35.8 for 4 laps which might have been a 22 minute 2.5K, maybe, and this track appears on the long side of the measure so eh at least until i am doing a 20 minute 2.5K and then eh until i am doing a 40 minute 5K and crap to all the woulda could should crap... deal with real times, real conditions, real physical life (to survive)... 61 degrees, humidity 86%... dang humidity takes so much out when the muscle and lung stamina is this low... lactic acid pain during the first lap and shin splints by the third lap, i don't think this body has even been quite this out of shape and recovery time has never been so long both for muscles and for lungs... and this was after relatively decent sleep and meat protein last night... must change habits... wah wah wah... do it again tomorrow or shadup...

...

come on man

yeah, so... 6:00.6; 5:29.7; 3:24.1; 4:15.0... walked the first two with jackson, my roommate, who has let herself get into sad shape and we are trying to motivate each other to exercise more... the second lap she did the best she could jog/walking... i took off for the third lap trying to do two laps in the time she was doing one and though i didn't catch her, i did feel ok and could probably have gotten the last lap under 4 minutes but let up so as not to push too hard as i am at an injury prone stage being i've been so very lazy for a while now...

hopefully i will do it again tomorrow...

still not exactly paying attention

(still) the title refers to myself as i am foolishly ignoring the reality of the stagnation i am allowing this body to experience during this time when i actually have the time to comfortably rest for long periods between exercise because i am not working... and certainly the pattern of returning to work only to lament not having the time to exercise as i would like to will return once i return to work... so what is this self-destructive tendency i've tapped into, i wonder...

being amused at myself for my foolishness does not reduce the deterioration of the body due to the aging process and laziness certainly helps that deterioration along... so before i seriously accuse myself of giving up on this physical life, perhaps i should consult a good doctor of mental illnesses... but wait, i am living as the vast majority of people live, so if the norm is this self-destructive way, is it going to be viewed as an illness?...

dang, there's goes that pesky relativity again...

narf (what the neck is narf doing here?)...

hopefully it's a wake-up call :}

is it now or never again?

sure is starting to feel like that... how quickly we fade... ok, so 5 laps, temp 77, humid 31 the weather is beautiful for running, but the body was not... definitely atrophies and lost a lot during this two week down time and during this away from jogging running time... the muscles especially... feeling the lactic acid burn so early and the drag before the end of the first lap (though it was a faster than usual lap, still... 3:42.2; 4:56.6; 4:45.4; 4:27.4; 3:59.6... still in control enough to bring the last lap back down under 4 minutes, but still, wasted after the first lap and i have jogged faster than 3:30 laps before... pathetic is not too strong a word at this point... 21:52.0 for the 5 laps, but pushing the same time for another five would have been an unreasonable expectation as the 6th lap would have likely been over 5 minutes by itself... so maybe a 45 minute 5k, which is definitely pathetic for me (no offence to anyone who is happy with a walk/jog, but my goal is to get back to actually jogging the entire 5k and that is a 30-35 minute pace... sub 30 is still the long term goal... but it seems ridiculous at the moment as i am heading in the opposite direction way too swiftly...

wah wah wah, lament will not help for the long term, but licking the wounds to psyche and ego might get me back out today... i have not taken my brace or running shoes off and yes, i put on my running shoes and not my sneakers... seriously misjudged my muscle tone, resiliency, and stamina... shame, this is a shameful waste of human life...

and now, it is recorded here... motivation or misery, time will tell...

done for the season?

well, ok, physical reality... talking to the body... and most important of all, listening to the body... i did not swing the bat... in fact, i did not move the arm... i drove jackson's car so i didn't need to move the arm... i let it hang at my side the whole ride and the whole game... and it feels only slightly better today, so this not using it at all is going to continue today and and we will take it day to day... and now, here in this blog where the body is supposed to think and be heard, it is time to call myself out (ducking, but seriously, here goes)...

it goes back to here... and before that... in fact, it was during the long venting entry on that thanksgiving tournament weekend that i wrote: "i may have thrown my arm out when my foot slid out from under me as i picked up a grounder, spun around, and threw to third... "... i did not take myself seriously... i did not listen to the arm... pity the fool who does not listen to his (or her) own body talk, or body thoughts, to be a bit more accurate...

and the signs were ignored... even in the babble... and it is all too obvious now that after the initial injury and the days following when i appeared to tell myself that i thought it did not get worse, i lied to myself... i did not know i was lying, but that is the way it is when one lies to one's self... throwing from third base with the injury just one week after the initial injury is why i am not moving the arm at all this week... i was distracted by sudden life changed (end of income due to early end to three month contract) and ego probably overrode pain sensors and any good sense when i said yes to playing third base...

and then... another tournament in changing weather with changing conditions and no rest and yet another game the following day while being continuing to be stupidly ignoring the arm...

yup, listening too late... still not really listening... reading my own daily (manic distraction all-too-cool can't touch me" invulnerable happy-go-lucky self-mocking seriously irreverent blog, i made at least a half dozen decisions that aggravated and further injuries the arm by not taking myself seriously with an only the good die young no fear as in not afraid to die attitude and while there is positivity in the perspective, as well as truth (why waste time and energy worrying about the inevitable when that time and energy can enhance the moments we are alive), quality of life matters too and avoiding injury enhances the moments we are alive as much as not worrying about the inevitable does, so there it is...

and as much as i do not like this fact, sometimes hope is not enough... even when hope is all there is (i know this too well)... and yet, even with all my wisdom and knowledge and experience and (oh, did i mention pig-headed determination to not let others down and desperation to find some sense of ego-food especially now that i had no work ego food)... and i continued to let all the distractions keep me from the fact (but by this last link it was too late... of course i did not have to stay awake and then run a 5k the next morning on no sleep {awake 24+ hours) and then spend the day out and not getting to sleep for an additional 16 hours after the 5k, alas) that this was coming, the total immobilization of the arm... there are real questions about which games should i have skipped... the extra tournament, for sure... and not playing third base, for sure... and much better focus and time for myself, physical prep time for the body, definitely... and there is the proof, the documented knowledge of the timeline that lead to the intensity of this injury...

now i have a very real choice (without getting too over dramatic i hope), learn from these mistakes so this sort of easily preventable injury does not happen again or simply quit playing ball, quite the physical life and like most people, retire to the sedentary life... as long as i have a choice in the matter (that is i am still able to play ball), i actually would rather die...

so learn, dammit, learn more... old dogs do learn new tricks if they want to be older dogs... and the body says - want to live?... learn... want to play ball?... learn more... how?... read the word written and write more words thought by the body... use the blog right here set up to keep in touch with the body... listen to the body... hear the body... stop pretending it is all in the mind and respect the physical, respect the limits of the physical, and don't let it bring you down...

so here it is, the bottom line... take it day by day... and as much as possible without causing other harm, no moving the arm this week...

maybe next week :)

out of touch

and suddenly today i see i have factors including rushing, not preparing properly, being distracting, being frustrated and isolated, and poor field conditions - i hurt my pitching arm... the biceps specifically... and i shook it off and continued pitching and throwing, even playing third base when asked a week later and and the week after that too... and pitching in a second consecutive tournament the following week... that (because i twist the arm and wrist a lot when i pitch) and especially throwing to first from third base really aggravated the injury... then this past friday night i pitched three games and had to make fast throws to first a lot...

it comes as no surprise... really...

even the 5k i ran yesterday did not do the healing process much good and i am hoping it did not hurt the biceps more... even the typing of these words... i am wondering if this is hurting the biceps more... moving the right arm as little as possible...

so now i sit here very frustrated because i have decided not to pitch in today's game... and i am considering not swinging the bat as well... a few days ago, before pitching three games just two days ago, i was considering skipping the pitching and being the designated hitter, but now i am considering taking myself out of the lineup completely... that has me very frustrated... i will make the decision at game time later...

stop being so out of touch with the body... please...

another 5k

it's been a while since i ran a public 5k, prior to the foot injury, and it's been even longer for jackson, so we jog/walked the grassroots 5k in daytona (actually ormand beach) in about 46 minutes... i took it slow and could have easily cuz five minutes off the time, likely more... but i was also dealing with the arm injury and did not want to overwork the arm and running is better with arm pumping, but there would be minimal arm pumping this morning... also, i did not sleep last night and it was very cool and very damp this morning, so pushing the body was unwise... so this was more of a social 5k and test of the foot's healing... the foot passed with flying colors...

i hope to motivate myself to more regular jogging and work my way back up to running...

over-stressed

meanwhile, in the physical world... the injury that occurred last weekend was severely aggravated tonight for two reasons, the first because i accepted playing a position i do not usually play (3rd base) that required increased stress on the injured area (right biceps) and also because i was in a very desensitized head space due to surprisingly uncaring insensitivity from someone i was trusting (boss at work)... the details are written elsewhere, but this entry is to remind me how vital staying in touch with the body is to survival and injury prevention... my lapse in internal communication caused major aggravation to the injury caused by the original lack of internal communication...

wake up and survive, dummy...

blind at the time

i obviously did not want to realize it at the time, now that i am looking back and catching up on entries here (and talking to the body, sometime i have severely neglected doing for a very long time, many years on some levels, and completely at the time of this entry (in date stamp time)... it is much worse than too much rest, it is simply not being in touch... like sleep walking or driving a car with eyes closed (or sleeping), serious injury can happen...

i hope it (serious injury) did not... but injury did happen...

and i allowed it to get worse... this is the time i should have taken it seriously and there is no way i should have increased stress to the injury area until it healed...

this entry is here to remind me...

too much rest?

well, i am running the bases much better and though i am keeping the ankle brace on tight as i play, i am jogging short distances with happiness (jackson's dog) regularly without the brace and there are no ill effects... being careful... last weekend i played six games and ran the bases a lot, from first to home and from second to home a few times... tonight i was running just fine too... now i just need to get back to the 5k training again, more frequent jogging... while rest is important, very important, it is also very important not to rest too much as i rebuild strength, stamina, and whatever speed might be left in this body... continue...

shins

stopped after the seventh lap due to lower leg strain more than usual, especially the left shins which were threatening damage (like shin splints)... serious pain for about ten minutes after sitting during which time i removed the sneakers, ankle wrap, and socks and elevated (throb throb throb)... both calves were starting to scream too... the left shin finally stopped throbbing and hurting (down to light strain pain, 1 on a 10 scale) after about fifteen minutes... puzzle...

maybe lower protein the last few days... maybe less vitamins... maybe lack of consistent rest... maybe technique as i was jog/walking... maybe pushed too much in the first lap or two... maybe cooler temps... maybe jog/walked too much with happiness just before starting... maybe not stretching enough... maybe a lot of things... anyway, a lap with happiness before the seven would make it eight laps, but still cutting the 5k short and that lap with happiness was not timed so not satisfied with the performance, but happy i dragged myself out because i have been seriously unmotivated this weekend so far...

times... 3:37.0, 4:05.6, 4:05.7, 4:23.8, 4:23.2, 4:41.0, 4:49.7... seven laps, 30:06.0 which was approximately on the same 5k pace as the last one recorded here in the previous entry... ahead of that pace for the first 3 laps which might have been strain the lower legs did not deal with well, the lower leg muscles are definitely as weak as they've ever been in this life, especially the left, after not being used from mid april until late august of this year... one step at a time...

solitary determination

well, i grew tired of looking outside of myself for inspiration to exercise (all along i had been hoping that living with someone in a body that is more than two decades younger than the body i inhabit would inspire me to be more active and exercise more but she works so much she rarely has time or energy and now has a relationship taking even more of her time lately so i hardly see her... maybe i needed someone three decades younger, or four, even lol...

everybody gets so old so fast in this life (ah, who gets my humor? :)

the foot, by the way, is doing fine... wrapped good and tight, no pain in the foot or the leg muscles... reasonable strain in both calf and abdominal muscles (sadly, signs of atrophy and aging are evident all over the dang body... alas, dissatisfaction keeps me alone, physically (can you hear my body sigh?)... somehow, i must find someone to laugh with me... preferably as we make love...

ok, back to the immediate physical reality... so i jog/walked another 5k tonight and i realized how much backsliding i have been doing living outside of myself so much so whatever, there are no excuses outside of myself and here are the numbers...

ten laps... 3:34.0 4:14.3, 4:16.7, 4:17.9, 4:18.8, 4:43.6, 4:39.8, 4:54.4, 4:26.8, 4:07.7... 43:34.0 total time... an approximate 5k, possible a bit longer, but close enough to let me consistently call it a 5k... and after a full day at work and being awake 14 hours... not too bad, but shamefully pitiful compared to what i know the body can do it it is not wasted away... so what will i do now... rest... the more important questions is what will i do tomorrow...

i did not have running partners as a kid... or a teen,... or a young adult... i was a solitary runner... love and the desire for a relationship was an inspiration, but it was just me out on the road day after day, mile after mile... it was loving the feeling of the high during the run and loving the feeling of fitness and awareness after and between the runs... so is the solitary determination that drove me to run a 2:40 marathon (that is 2 hours and 40 minutes) once and sub 3 hour marathons more than a dozen times return before it is time to die?... will the solitary determination that drove me to run a 4:40 mile (that's four minutes and 40 seconds) once and many sub five minute miles and routine sub 6 minute miles return?... routinely running 15 miles in 89:54 minutes (that's 89 minutes, 54 seconds - averaging sub 6 minute miles for 15 miles)?... and 60 or more miles a week...

mostly those are just memories now, not realistic goals considering the years of backsliding i've allowed this body to do... a few years ago, maybe five, i run/jogged eight miles in just under ninety minutes... but can i, on just my solitary determination, return to consistently running again, not just jog/walking, without dying first?...

one step at a time...

the taco bell diet

is not a wise diet to be on for anyone over 20 years old who is not a serious athlete... being that i am not either anymore, do the math... and taco bell is being used as an example here cuz other stuff like pizza and many other foods can be just as not wise in abundance and too often and when not exercising enough... and pigging out as i tend to do, well, even more foolish... sometimes it's loneliness, the sensory high of food... but the body puts up with it cuz it is only occasional (first time in about a month) and there is exercise involved (two games of softball earlier)... i have been away from this body talk in part cuz i have been away from the computer at home (everywhere except the daily (e)thereal blog) but the healing has been going well, though i am not exercising as much as i ought to for similar reasons to the being away from the computer... simply, working... that's a good thing for the wallet and bank and people i pay for stuff each month... good for me too, even though retirement would be better... anyway, busy adjusting to a new schedule and doing stuff...

hopefully the rainy season is over cuz softball was rained out more than it happened in the past two months plus and and i will get more exercise that way... the foot, wrapped tightly, is doing pretty well as i run the bases and feel more agile fielding with each passing week... and i will (will will will it!) get back to jog-walking more often...

and drop the weight, yeah, lay off the taco bell diet for a while :)

2.5k

better than no k, aye?... 21:56.2 is still slower than the 5k pace i had in the cooler morning air and it could be that track was shorter than the estimated distance around this community... hot and humid and quite tiring moving through the soup-like late summer air here in central florida... there was more detail to this when i first sat down here, but it's been a while as i have been afk (away from the keyboard) a lot this weekend and the time i did spend at the computer was spent uploading stuff to facebook...

anyway, i am getting more active...

yeah, eh

just completed for approximately a 5k at a slow jog/walk... the first two laps were slower, mostly walking fast with happiness and then eight jog/walk laps without him cuz he no longer can keep up more than a few hundred feet, if that far... what a drag it is getting on (thank you rolling stones for gathering no moss)... especially not in 90 degree 60% humidity sunshine... i did not push a jog for a full lap myself in this heat and my current condition (which is the eh part of the title and that is being extremely generous with my blubbery self... yeah, i am probably close to 210 (which is about 10 pounds more than my preferred max weight and 30 pounds more than my preferred fit weight and that is probably higher than the body mass index charts but then, those charts are skewed for small frames and pop culture if you ask me)...

there was tightness in the right calf, probably from compensating for the left foot/ankle... the left foot was fatigued but ok in that there was no injury related pain... the rehab continues and i really ought to do this a few times a week now, not just once a week... but hey, i did it and that is the yeah part of the title... focus on the positive... since i only timed the last eight laps, the time is approximate at a 45 minute 5k... given the heat and body condition (not to mention carefully wrapped ankle/foot), eh...

pushing the rehab

more walking each day and then two softball games friday night running the bases until late in the evening and then awake early saturday morning for a 5k, yes, 5k... thank goodness for motivating friends... so i jogged a bit, walked a lot, finished just under 43 minutes and still no serious pain or injury (foot fatigue definitely building though)... and then over to a softball practice, foot still wrapped in it's brace, and the practice went very well... finally put the foot up to rest and nap and here we are, feeling great about the foot progress and ready for two more softball games tomorrow...

for the moment, i shall put aside the frustration of the sad deterioration of muscle tone and stamina and celebrate the progress... yeah, that's the ticket :)

better and better

this weekend was the biggest challenge to date... i decided to try walking without any support, that is no ace bandage or sneaker, just arch-less moccasins for an extended period (all day out at parks and then at downtown disney) and the news is great - no direct injury related pain until after several hours and then it was not enough to stop, though i started limping a bit as evening approached... even better, the day after was fine (just slight discomfort) and i decided to keep going without any support... the point was to test the stability of the foot and ankle and it passed with flying colors...

so i feel confident it is healing well... i will still wrap it well and use a brace when i play sftball because i don't want to accidentally take a mis-step in the heat of the game and i will generally walk with some arch support just cuz that is better for the foot and the planar fascia is prone to fascitis for months or even longer after a rupture, but it was great to pass the test of walking almost barefoot and being on my feet for 6-8 hours... it's been a long time since the initial injury, for sure...

and even more good news - all this introspective body talk actually helped someone (thanks for the comments) which makes posting this even more positive... and one more thing - thanks to the best friend and roommate i could ever have asked for cuz without her, this foot/ankle might never have healed as it has and i could very well have pushed it too hard too fast and caused a permanent injury that would have prevented running again - especially cuz my health insurance ran out just when i should have started physical therapy... yay for best friends... and thank you dear anonymous commenter for reminding me :)

good weekend

saturday was softball practice and since only seven people showed up we did batting practice which let me pitch a few hundred pitches and field my position and take a few dozen swings and that is the kind of practice i personally need much more than the other types of practices and the foot/ankle held up well... stress aching, but no direct injury-related pain worth noting, just discomfort... the best results yet from the foot testing... and after the 6 laps on friday, this is definitely good news...

sunday i woke early and felt wired and went for a brisk walk with a little bit of run and then rested and then did 20 minutes on the elliptical at level 7 down to level 3 and clocked 1.64 miles and around 180 calories (calories was an estimate) and pulse peaked over 150bpm... then went to the weights and used 80 pounds for 3 reps each on the two upper body machines and another 2 more on the pull down and felt it good (hurt so good, huh?)...

today is a rest day, mostly, especially since the weather is really wet and windy (bands of Isaac)... good day not to have to go outside...

chicken fat

yeah, you know... we walk/jogged 4 laps and then jackson went in for a shower cuz she has work soon and i walk/jogged another two laps with the fifth lap being the most jogged lap... the good news is the foot/ankle is healing well, the stamina is not completely gone (though it is, by my standards, horribly pitiful and i'd be content with a 50 minute 5k at this point)... the lap is .31 miles which makes 10 laps a 5k and that'll be the first distance goal (the first goal is wake up and do it again soon, monday or tuesday at the latest... tomorrow is softball practice at 10am... maybe sunday since i am not playing softball on sundays yet (i think must check schedules)... time goals will wait until i complete 10 laps at least once or twice... a 5k in september is not too far fetched...

slow, very slow, and not too steady, but progress...

slight delay

yeah, so last weekend was a slight fiasco when it came to the rehab process as my morale was flushed down the toilet and blah blah blah so i skipped this week and distracted myself with intellectual fun and food and yeah, probably put on a pound or few (though i must say i have been amazingly disciplined during these past almost four months (yes, 4 months) of inactivity as i have not gained a net pound from the day of injury through today even with some gain this week, which, is you've read me and know how much i love food {and how much food is a comfort and how much i've needed comfort during this first serious injury of this lifetime and new very lonely rehab process, not to mention other major life changes any good therapist would welcome my money to discuss for months, at least... psyche, aye?}, is quite seriously outstanding will power, discipline, and healthy habits... even moreso as my roommate has gained weight during this period, partly because she is exercising less because her primary exercise partner {that would be me} is, alas, off his feet a lot)...

anyway, perhaps it is time to renew the rehab mentality and while avoiding the critical strangers who have less sensitivity than i would like (it is sad that i must accept a lack of a supportive caring world once again, but then, that is the world i was born into and accepted it very young, so the fact that naivety and hopefulness survives in me as it does is, again, pretty amazing... so i'm a pretty amazing dude, aye?... well just look at all this positive self-talk... jackson would be so proud), stepping out to social physical activity (softball fields) again next weekend... enough grumbling about set backs, not quite full speed ahead, but forward... next weekend (oh go ahead, i'm laughing at myself :)

foot report: walking better, faster, jogging a bit with discomfort but no sharp pains... ankle report, similar... still very wobbling and not pivoting well, not putting full body weight on it yet... leg report: muscles occasionally cramping, weak but improving... body report: blah blah blah blah... eat better, exercise more, sex would be nice...

yeah, well, whatever

ok so i stepped up to the plate over the weekend and it was good overall, baby steps for sure, and besides all the whining about insensitivity from some strangers new to the team who seemed to expect me to be able to run on rough surfaces without any ankle support (simply, i went to watch the game and the game was rained out so a handful of people went to a soccer field for some hitting/fielding practice and when i declined to participate because i was recovering from the first test the day before and had come out without ankle brace or any wrap in shoes for the first time {yeah, not even sneakers with better support) i was told i was making excuses... just walking on the uneven surface was a relatively new experience for the foot/ankle... and maybe it was meant to be friendly teasing (from strangers?), but being frustrated with my inactivity already and just a sensitive child, i took a walk and nurtured myself since nobody out there cared to and then whined to myself as i sorted through clothes, so to speak - thanks harry for understanding)...

the body became quiet depressed and i don't want to go through that again, so i will skip the sunday afternoon team for rehab and wait for the other teams where a bit more sensitivity might actually happen... sometimes i really don't care what anyone thinks, i just want to take care of myself my way and even if i never really have family or a nurturing environment, i'd rather be alone sometimes than put up with people's insensitivity (selfishness, machoness, egocentricity, call it whatever, people suck sometimes)... set back?... yup...

and that's what the body thinks today...

otherwise, aside from some ache, no bad news from the foot... just must remember how important attitude, encouragement, support, confidence, and preparation is in this rehab process (especially if nobody else does)...

alrighty then

yesterday (when i was young, la la la) was a good kick in the psyche and i found myself out on the softball field (with strangers, no less... not the ideal first time back, but... i don't actually have a family, alas, wah wah wah and all that)... jackson was there and she cares and is as close to family as i've got, so i had the best i could and yay for her...

anyway, i survived... there is pain, but nothing new... no damage... just the stress of movement and some light running (to first base) and attempting to put full weight on the foot/ankle while swinging the bat and pitching (i'll work my way up to full weight and actually pivoting)... the achilles and hamstring (and of course foot and ankle) showed definite signs of weakness and tightness, so stretching is essential prior to any exercise and alertness must be maintained to prevent ancillary injuries... but all in all, a very good first day back on the field... well delayed by extended rest, but maybe that is for the best... jackson thinks so :)

extended rest

since i have the time (as i am free of the responsibility of a daily job at the moment) to prolong the rest and inactivity part of this rehabilitation (for better or worse), i have been what we might call, extending the rest and even, lazy (not that i've ever considered that a possibility at any point in this life... if you would see me, you'd be seeing me pointing at the archives of this very blog as a starting point as i laugh at myself)... but on the other hand, all the reading i've done about planar fascia injuries suggests there are likely to be long term problems if rushed, so the luxury of this rest may be the best medicine and the work-ethic suicide pattern so normal in this world can just take a flying leap, na na na na na...

i am getting a might flabby though, so exercise would be wise too (just saying, in case i actually read this and take it seriously one day)... snarky narf :)

better every day

feeling like i want to run again, but i know i need to be very careful and i should be exercising in the gym daily to strengthen the leg and foot and ankle muscles but i've not gotten into that habit... at least i am getting out walking several times a day thanks to happiness, but pushing the muscles to strengthen them needs more than just walking... jackson hasn't been around and with the health insurance gone i have no physical therapist or coach or friend who will help, so it's all me... not even getting softball team motivation as nobody is close (except jackson and she's too busy and is discouraging me from rejoining the team... not sure if that's because they have too many people, but heck, i pay for the dang team and i don't get all the money back every season... in fact if i don't pay for the fall season by next week i lose out on the discount, but i still haven't gotten all the money for the current season... frustrating, especially with my current tighter budget... but even more frustrating is they don't seem to need me, wah wah, there are other teams that hopefully will call and want me to rehab faster and play with them)... just got to do it myself...

almost jogging

i am walking a bit better and went to the gym and used the elliptical machine for the first time and did ten minutes and almost recorded .82 miles which is a pretty good pace and a great workout for the ankle and no ill effects so i must motivate myself to do it more often... and each day i walk a bit faster (happiness helps and i am just about to the point where he has to trot to pull on the leash, so yay for progress)... any day now i will be trying to jog...

neck, ear, head, foot

checking in with the body, the neck has been aching all day since i woke, the usual nagging... stress?... blood pressure?... fatigue?... diet?... lack of exercise?... body position?... other?... whatever, i've hardly sat down today because the foot and leg need exercise and the neck too as too much sitting in the recliner at the laptop can aggravate the neck (which is why the pain in the neck is puzzling)... anyway, the upper body used the 10 lb dumbbells about ten minutes every hour... that (exercise) often relieves the neck pain but not today... maybe more rest, i mean real rest (de-stressed rest, which is challenging to do these days)....

and then the ear is louder than it's been in weeks, at least, so i am increasing in crankiness as the hours go by... an ordinary mind might have gone off the deep end, i mean unhinged, i mean broken down or something (audio torture induced mental illness?) by now... and if that's not enough, the head is hurting a little, probably from minimal food intake and no caffeine, but definitely third on the list... the good news is that the foot/leg is fourth on the list of pains today in spite of being up and standing and walking most of the day... hooray for good news...

now if i only had the solution to the neck and ear (besides ignoring it, which i've done for years now... doctors don't seem to take it or me seriously, probably because i don't want to take their pills... doctors are way too dependent on pills, probably because they satisfy most people who accept relief of {or masking of} symptoms as a cure... and tests are just more expensive every year and most doctors don't know enough to read advanced tests anyway... and medical malpractice has driven many doctors to have as little actual contact with patients as possible... where is dr. house when you need him, huh?... and come to thing of it, who can afford dr. house and all the tests he runs... who pays for those, anyway?... ah, but seriously would an mri and cat scan of my ear and head and neck tell them anything?)...

body thoughts, aye?

progressing

took a walk friday more than previous says and then went out friday night to play cards and didn't get back until saturday morning which is the longest the sneaker has been on in almost three months and and then i didn't sleep saturday and went out saturday during the day and then again saturday evening and then finally got a little sleep sunday morning and then went out sunday afternoon to shoot a basketball around and then for another long walk and then to the gym and walked 15 minutes on the treadmill at 2.5-2.9 mph (did some upper body work too) and then, home to rest... the busiest weekend for the foot in three months and it survived... there is muscle and ligament pain today, but no more at the injury sites than at the other muscles that were minimally used for almost two months and only slightly more used the past month... so when do i run?... another few weeks, maybe... getting better all the time...

recording this moment

reaching back this week i ate minimally and relatively healthy for a modern human in this fast food processed culture, humus, pasta, nutes, a sandwich or two of processed meat and cheese... lite mayo, lite butter substitute, ketchup... i dropped some weight... and i skipped sleep too much, though sleeping more when the body asked than according to a daily clock...

in the past 36 hours i slept about four hours... waking for this current awake period about 26 hours ago... in the first twelve hours i walked, worked on the computer, watched tv, cooked, ate dinner, and along about the 13th hour started feeling sleep calling... it was then that i showered and dressed and went out to a card party... for the first time this week i drank caffeine (iced tea) and ate meat and chocolate in abundance... i played cards until about four hours ago and then drove home...

in the past three hours the body rose from fatigue to rejuvenated, the mind from groggy to clarity, the eyes from blurry to an acuity i have not experienced in several, perhaps many months or longer... while i feel body fatigue, i also feel calm, at peace, and more consciously aware of the moment and surroundings than again, in perhaps many months or longer... i write this now to record these moments for i would not mind learning precisely how i arrived here and how to repeat the process/journey...

is it the chocolate?... the sugar and fat?... the meat? (the meat was re-processed meatballs in a sweet-sour tomato-cranberry sauce made by one of the people at the party)... the caffeine (which certainly should have worn off by now, except for the amount in the chocolate, as i drank the last of the tea, just 24 ounces or so, about six hours ago)... or are the chemicals in the foods just a catalyst providing the energy to allow the mind (and eyes) to wake and return to a clarity (and acuity) that has long been buried in fatigue from overwork and external distraction...

the latter seems the most cogent explanation...

certainly logic suggests that sleep is required some time today if i am to go out tonight as planned, but at the moment i am in a very relaxed (not wired) awake place that is not asking for sleep, rather, is asking for more mental stimulation and more interaction...

so for all the whining and complaining and pain and self-destructive body and other thoughts that have been here and elsewhere, i felt recording this moment of clarity as related to the physical experience of being in this body in this time and space would be of benefit if only to remind me that it does happen...

walking better

still painful, but once i get moving the pain is much less as long as i wrap it just right and tie the sneaker right, i can walk a good distance... some muscle ache in the foot and achilles and a bit in the calf afterwards, but walking better and getting better... just have to be careful on uneven surfaces... extremely careful, actually, for the stability is very weak and wobbly, but getting better...

pushing the limits further

the foot - walking up to an hour a day, almost, and gearing up for serious physical therapy that i will research and provide for myself...

the body - the buzz of changing habits to return to exercise and keep an old promise (marathon the year i cut my hair) is screaming even louder than the tinnitus (which is quite mind-occupyingly loud lately) and hopefully i will actually start soon...

the hair - gone... so much more to say, but no sleep x3+ days = blah blah blah...

brain - no sleep for 3+ days, distracted, unfocused, bearly blurry blah blah blah...

more to follow, we hope :}

timing bad, m'ok?

yeah, it is not good to leave a job and suddenly be thrust into a job search the same day as boot removal... so i have not been using the boot or crutches for almost two weeks, but i am also not walking much... my days are spent sitting here online searching for jobs and the motivation to dress and wrap the foot and tie on the sneaker is minimal... luckily happiness, the wonder dog, begs to go outside a lot and likes to pull and walk... the pulling is challenging, almost pulling me off my feel or off balance so i almost hurt the foot and ankle... must be very careful (and a little hard on him cuz i cannot afford a re-injury what with needing to go on interviews when they finally come and no health insurance for months, bad timing, m'ok)... the good news is the foot is doing better... i am walking slowly on flat surfaces with minimal pain... dangerous are the slopes and bumpy surfaces (so stay off the grass)... just need to focus on more consistent (and more) exercise and stretching and more exercise... careful physical therapy rehab, must do it myself, motivate, careful, must... and rest, must get back to sleeping regularly... and eating regularly... stop letting this bummer job search distract me... positivity...

that is all for today, mostly a reminder :}

neglecting updates

neglecting the rehab too while i'm at it... yeah, the loss of work (i believe it was the day after the last entry here) my desk at work and i parted ways... that has left me sitting at this laptop revising resumes and cover letters and searching the job market and finding very little out there, nothing that will pay what i've been getting, so, depressing week... the body was feeling the effects (affects too) and that gave the foot yet another week of rest, but not the physical therapy or activity it needs... though not wearing the boot or using the crutches all week has been good (challenging though) for the foot... need to focus on rehab and shake the blues... alone, sigh, unless you feel like coming over and helping (what?... you think i write all these words on the web for my health?... ummmm, well, yeah, that is the primary reason, but i could keep them private, after all... i put them out here for you to read hoping you {somebody} will be interested in coming closer, becoming a friend, maybe even close... anybody out there?)... and that's the body update for today... sigh and all...

he walks the night

well, being nocturnal is nothing new, but walking outside in sneakers without crutches for the very first time tonight was new and exciting and not painful enough to consider it a mistake... to the car, to the restaurant, back to the car, drive 45 minutes home, and back from the car to home... yay, the foot survived... no trips, no stumbles, no falls... and no increase in swelling or pain afterward, even without extended elevation... recovery faster than ever (oh, what am i saying?... softball?... patience, aye?)... yay, the healing is happening...

shhhh, let's not leap to any conclusions...

walking better

without crutches (with the boot on) and if i am careful, without pain and with less swelling than before this week... hopefully i am not wasting my time at the doctor tomorrow cuz i really am hoping for some good advice about healing the plantar fascia rupture but given the lack of response from the doctor's office when i called and pressed the button the automated voice said to press to request a call back (no response) and the original misdiagnosis and the relative nonchalance of the one visit with the doctor, i am not expecting anything... how hard should i push and what risks and can he answer and... i really ought to get some sleep...

ok, wonderful

i survived two trips to the theatre and one trip to a restaurant in the past three days on top of the working at work and self-care at home and the foot is better than it's been since the injury... i put some pressure on it and walked twenty feet or so without crutches a couple of times, outside with the boot on and at home without the boot... the pain flares at two get spots like clockwork and the rest of the leg muscles show signs of atrophy from lack of use which makes pushing the walking all the more important... balance is the key cuz those two pain flare spots are warnings that damage can happen suddenly if i push those two spots too far too fast... but it is still wonderful news to be healing...