not in the best frame

of mind all the time, but the pleasure factor continues to test the limits of the human condition in this physical world, much as they did at the fall of rome, i imagine... i wonder if they had their paranoid war mongers beating the drums of fear and hate like we do... care for some tea?...

the body probably would, in any case, while the joker and thief continue to debate the way out of here, there, and everywhere wherever we are, i crown myself king of the hedonists for one more night and for better or worse, you missed again...

hope you enjoyed yourself wherever you are :)

hiccups

last week i suddenly without planning changed dietary paths back to serious veggie light cutting out soda caffeine sugar fat and all the processed stuff i was eating so much of (and i haven't had italian or anything outside either) and i dropped more than ten pounds to see 199 on the scale one the bottom-out morning... the body is about 203 at the moment as i pigged out on late night veggies with sauces the past two nights, but still on the way down and hopefully will see the 170s by the end of the year again... at least the low 180s... still having too much fun to take the lean mean fighting machine seriously though (but the teenage dream is not gone either, cha know :)

could be

it may all come down to this, that i indulge my oral senses and body with tastes and foods and all the chemical reactions that come with the chemicals in foods because i no longer believe there is someone in this world who will really get me and more, want to share everything and if that person is not out there, why bother denying myself the sensual pleasures i can find that are out there... not frustraion, but pure pleasure?... what a novel idea :)

feel free to offer any other logical reasoning :)

my feet hurt

along with 90% of the body as fatigue runs so very deep after many evenings in a row of basketball and eating less (calories, protein, fats, sugars, which is a shock to the system and created a rocky stream of kidney stones and sediment as the kidneys stress over the changes and energy is even lower as chill runs deep through the cells), so tonight i ate three eggs, sort of devilled with garlic, mayo, mustard, and stevia, all aolkaline forming stuff to counteract the high acid body that helps the sediments and stones form)...

it's an old friend ache... sorely missed... and no one is around to curl up around me and tell me i did good and it'll be alright...

sigh, and all :}

bloat

one of the rare nights i want to sleep and the body is keeping me away with either a uri or something, enlarged prostate?... kidney stone?... some sort of cancer eating away at some vital organ?... or simply, overeating and bloat... not feeling bad at all, just like i need to pee and poop and a little bit explosive, but feeling good otherwise... of course bloat is the easy answer, the least complicated medically, the least worrisome and all that...

how are you? :)

hypocrit?

i remain mostly bloated once again, stupidity by choice (which defines stupidity, after all), and maybe that makes me a hypocrit or just stupid... it's not as if i find myself attractive or think i am immune to the unhealthiness of fat, i just don't care enough to take optimal care of this body these days... sad, i suppose, and yet, i am laughing at the hedonistic carelessness...

hope i don't stroke :}

fat repulses me

whether it is nature or nurture, cultural influences or instinct (debate away), it does not matter for the cause/source does not change the feeling... even when i am only minimally repulsed, there is no attraction, period... as much as i love myself, my own fat repulses me when i see too much of it and too much is a roll, too much is skin that does not have visible muscle tone, not even close to body builder for too much muscle is too much to be attractive to me too, but visible muscle tone beneath the firm skin... without this, any attempt at physical intimacy is a waste of time and i do not want to fake it or be harsh in rejections, so i stay away from intimacy when i am visibly over-fat and i stay away from visibly over-fat others... no wonder i am alone in this over-fat country, aye?...

let me hear your body talk...

gym at midnight

running on caffeine and adrenaline, only 3-4 hours sleep and still, made it to the gym around midnight and the body loved it, even if the heart gives out tomorrow, it felt fantastic tonight... and without a lover, after all, what pleasure can i experience... masturbation, exercise, creative play, and food...

meet me at the gym at midnight :)

tinnitus

the ear is screaming at the loudest it's been in a long time... wonder why... blood pressure? (too lazy to check)... no caffeine today... just ate soup and a fat free cream cheese sandwich and a bit of calamari... life is otherwise so wonderfully fun and joyous... lonely at times, and screaming, but fun and joyous :)

woke a bit

with a little help from my friend... perhaps tomorrow i shall wake a bit more all by myself (even though i still don't wanna be)...

amazing rest

better than amazing grace, a pure true rest is the rebirth of the body, mind, spirit, all that is a being, at least for me in the experience i know in this physical life... please, this body pleads, do not forget to rest...

perhaps it is time to remember :)

and then i laugh

all the emo drama, complaints, self-berating, blah blah blah and so on... yeah, it's great to be thin, to be light, to move smoothely and reach for the optimal physical experience in this life, but heck, i am so comfortable in my skin it is ridiculous to lay the wah wah guilt trip on myself... truth is, it is all so all in the mind...

and then i laugh :)

dang dummy

one of these days i'll finally unpack (i moved two months ago, and a week) and find the scale and find out how many pounds i gained in the past six months... and today, the disk slipped reminding me of how vulnerable the belly makes the lower back... hopefully it will heal quickly as i have softball in less than 48 hours and it is challenging to play when the body will not stand up straight or move quickly...

sigh, the aging process sucks, especially when the belly grows and the laziness wins the daily battle of the buldges... at least i am checking in and whatever (hopeful or something)...

a bottom line

yeah, well, the bottome line (or at least one of them) is that i am not attractive to myself today, so anyone finding me attractive does not share my perspective of what is attractive and therefore, is not compatible... it is really so simple when clarity illuminates the brain, there's no point and only foolishness that supports confusion in any attempt to explain further...

so this is why nobody plays with me today (can you hear my body talk)... masterbation is more fun than sex with an unattractive body... my loss, but also my fun... compromise, my way... or something like that...

was better yesterday

seems to be a sick body i'm living in today... ear screaming...

hopefully it'll feel better tomorrow...

had a moment

yes, a brief moment of clarity the other night when i skipped dinner and went to bed right after work and slept twelve hours and felt the weight of the bloat almost left and then, got home the second night and bloated up again... one of these days, change the pattern (before death to i part, aye?)...

stop the stupid, k? :}


.

P.S... and an hour later, i found myself coming home from the gym to write this update... the bloat and flab is large, but i did move again, treadmill and elliptical... now if i just keep that up for the next three hundred nights, at least... five hundred nights would be better... join me? :)

wow, cellular memory

i forget almost every time in every conscious way when i disassociate myself from the physical shell (and the body laughs it's maniacal suicidal cheesy grin laugh as it does not have much choice and it knows it on that cellular memory level that the consciousness avoids so often, but every now and then a glimmer of a glimpse, a sliver of memory slices through as if to be placed on a slide and probes by an electron microscope (cuz that is how thin a slice it is most of the time) and when the brain turns on it's subatomic eye to perceive (because it is beyond human sight as we know it) the cellular memory, the brain floats through a sea of emotions made of every extreme as the temporary journey of life saves it from the utter despair and depths of depression that the daily suicidal choices would ordinarily bring to the ordinary normal mind...

thank goodness i am abnormal...

and the body sighs, laughed out, and blinks back into existence for the briefest moment before blinking again back into oblivion... this is life in human form in this world at this time and i finally fit in...

such a waste, and yet, a success... would amy be proud?... would the others who thought me too idealistic and lacking in common sense when i refused to conform and die, living dead cuz that was the way everyone chose?... and what if i chose to wake now?...

does anyone understand?

:)

dare i not?

or dare i do?... climbing on the scale again is not happening lately, but i suspect i've rises well above 200 again... so let's see... yup. though not as bad as i almost thought, still at 202 all this time after the holidays... indulging in food cuz it tastes so good, cuz masturbation is simply not enough stimulation for the body cuz the taste buds are so sensual too and i am so very oral (come to think of it, i do miss kissing)...

anyway, drop 30 pounds by when? :}

dang fool kid

thing is, i enjoy it way too much... the food, and snacks and healthy food and chocolate and food and... yeah, rising to the 200 mark again, dag nabit... but am i struggling to stop or turn around?... am i angst ridden and self-loathing and all that psychobabble?... no, just a fool in love with his chocolate... way too many parties to go vegan healthy all by myself at the moment... so how did you enjoying your holidays?...

oh fk xmas food

there's just too much of it... and much of it is chocolate, which is really too much dam pleasure for my own good... rising back above 190, i wonder where i'll stop... nothing a good sex partner couldn't put an end to...

freaking thanksgiving

all north americans seem to do is eat... there's a restaurant every mile, or ten feet in most places, and fast food growing on trees... of course the irony or whatever of the metaphor or simile or whatever is whatever...

not still losing weight, obviously, not exercising as much either, though playing five games of softball a week and working longer hours is leaving me exhausted... not exercised out good exhausted, just exhausted...

apologies from the brain to the body...

major pain

i sit here trying to keep my right knee above my heart while balancing a plastic bag full of ice on it and still typing on the laptop on half of my lap cuz it's very swollen, the knee, not the lap or laptop, cuz i am suffering the slings and arrows (actually, not-really-soft softballs) after tonight's travesty, i mean game... i took myself out after the second inning cuz i felt the swelling cuz a ball travelling at least a gazillion miles per second (ok, seriously, at least 90 mph, very possibly higher cuz we think the team we played uses juiced bats that exceed the asa bat speed limit) hit the inner side of my right knee and it hurts oodles...

that was the first ball hit during the game... the second ball hit was just as hard and it hit my right hand and glove and bounced past the second baseman all the way to the right fielder, ouch... and the third ball hit struck my glove and bounced over the head of the second baseman into right field... yes, hard hit balls... the team we played was dangerously under-rated by asa softball classifications which made for a dangerous situation, especially for the pitcher...

so major pain for the body and the hope that the swelling and damage doesn't make walking too challenging tomorrow and the rest of the week cuz i've got another game to play (skipping the thursday game) sunday...

how are you? :)

soup is too salty

though low calorie, soup is way too salty to be a steady diet and the weight of fatigue and blood pressure (sensing it, not measuring it) is draining the body these days... as lack of full REM cycles is catching up with the aging brain and lack of sleep is catching up with the body and over-eating (even when dinner is soup and yogurt, back to one huge meal a day in the evening is not right) is weighing both down and raising the blood pressure to unhealthy levels (that's a sense-judgment as i don't make time to check the actual blood pressure these days for the same reason the place i live in is a wreck, no time... and that is both physically and psychologically uncomfortable so change the dang habits, fool)...

thank you for the good advice...

bloating up again

stupid is as stupid does and i am doesing stupid good these days, but though it very well may be a possible sign of suicidal tendencies and is most likely a cry for help, the end may not be about to be just yet, we hope... the weight cap is hopefully going to top out at 190 (instead of 220, which was the max cap for a while in this decade and in the eighties too, ironically, both decades i held professional office jobs and reduced sleep to ridiculously minimal levels and neglect myself in almost every way, a recipe for disaster, the death kind, so wake up and save yourself, myself, right?)...

ok, hopefully this is the wake up call... loneliness and feeling unloved and missing being cared about and all that poor-me stuff is placated by food... but if i do not really want to die, things will change again...

video game diet update

i stopped to play a video game that helped me focus on dropping the weight i piled on during a few years of imbalanced diet and when i returned to daily blogging more than ever, i find the past month has unfocused the balance i had achieved in the diet and have regained at least ten of the almost forty pounds i lost during the two or so months of what i semi-jokingly called the video game diet...

ironiculous

ridicuny?... yes, well, i am here... the game broke and i am here... i pigged out on pizza and chocolate and chips and the stuff i had not had in months this week, and i am here... i dropped 40 pounds as of last week and gained back 10 this week and i am here... ironic?... ridiculous?... silly me, making good progress, but what fun is progress without some slippage... three steps forward, two steps back, and one to the side... that's the ticket... the great news is i now consider 185 fat... imagine how out of touch i was when i was over 220... playing softball 4x a week... doing a bit of running... working way too many hours... eating mostly very healthy (in spite of the divergence of this week)... the body smiles, the mouth laughs, the happy medium is on the horizon... life is good, even though it's still lonely, it's very good... how about you? :)

circular motion

yeah, up and down, back to 192, back to 199.8, and round and round and round again... that was may... focus just was not there... maybe it was the disappointment in the people (softball teams, work colleagues, old friends, the human race, all the little things)... maybe it was the unresolved (uninvited?)... maybe it was (was?... isn't it still is-ing?... like now?) just boredom fueling the ambivalence that replaced the joyous optimism and hope and belief in love and life and pleasure and caring and sharing and peace and love (did i meantion love?) and happiness and romance and passion and idealism and beauty and promises and love (mustn't forget the love) and the dreams... maybe it's just getting old...

so why am i still giggling?

fall and rise

focus got me all the way down to 192 and then, unfocus got me back up to 199.2... not 200 thoughg, so maybe there's something to those famous last words i uttered here recently... so 190 by june 1st?... another crash end of month rally?... can't be too good for the heart and other vital organs, but madness runs in the brain... poor body, it is only a pawn in the brain's insane delusions and madcap adventures... if only it wasn't alone, aye?...

dropping weight

focused (fasting, hard core, maybe dangerous at this point in the life time line, but being me, it's what i do) and into the mid-nineties determined not to rise back above 200 again... famous last words or something prophetic or whatever, time will tell me and then i'll probably let you know too...

yeah, we shall see :)

could just die i suppose

then i'd lose lots of weight... ah, but the fact is, i actually stopped eating for the last three days of april and ended up 198 pounds when i stepped on the scale at a moment after midnight... suddenly, hunger is not as important as something else (and there's nothing else here)... and the taste buds are sleeping... and i was reading 213 on the scale just last week... must be crazy, no doubt...

insanity is fattening

some time a few weeks ago or longer than that i sort of made a committment to myself in front of another person who asked me to make the committment which makes is bigger than me and usually that matters to me cuz i have not yet completely given up on life and humanity and love and all that... so i told her that i would be under 200 pounds by may 1st and i'm still pigging out and actually rising... wow, aye?... my madness is intact and my taste buds love me...

face stuffing is a full time job

yeah, it is, you know it if you've ever done it... and delicious can be found everywhere, so unless i go nowhere and say no to everything, i continue to bloat enough to not drop under 200 pounds... but i've got a couple of weeks before the imaginary deadline and sort-of promise i made myself by telling someone else i agree to do it... and besides, the body feels much better not bloated, so why in the world would i continue trading a few minutes of oral ecstasy for twenty four hours of bloat each day... rhetorical, of course... get real...

fluctuations

the rise and fall of weight and motivation and mood and spirit and so on continues, especially the so on... dropping to 201 pounds and rising to 214 and back again, mostly because i am too tired and busy to want to discipline myself to actually drop the weight, but the semi-promise was made... under 200 by may 1... so i'll take it seriously any day now...

how why anyway

the good news is that i am somehow keeping in touch with the body just about weekly... the bad news is that the news from the body is only mediocre at best, though still is mostly like better than the norms for age gender and so on... goofing off too long, somebody kick me (in the physical space where it might do some good)...

whatever again

yeah, just mulling along rising and falling, but hey, dropping to 202 pounds this week... still fluctuating way too much to take it seriously... no motivation alone... if you see the one out there, tell her now would be a very good time to find me :}

alone, alas, alright

fatigue on the surface blows away with a good night of sleep, but the deep fatigue requires a few days, at least, of endless sleep and to truly rebuild the body at the cellular level and be reborn, it can take weeks of rest, real rest, which does not include any waking with an alarm clock or pushing the body or mind... i don't have time for that... and alone, alas, i take refuse in the hormonal comforts and escapes and releases that come from the chemicals in foods... i know what works for this body, but i over do it and keep an extra thirty pounds on the torso that produces even more fatigue, but on another level, slows everything down (which is exactly what i need)... so i will be alright, because instinctively i know what to do in these ridiculously workaholic times... a vacation would be sweet, a change of life would be best, but for now, the survival skills survive...

enough?

yeah, just keep swimming, but maybe i should have paused and thought about not eating the the second can of pineapple... burp.

just keep swimming

yeah, that's the ticket... just keep moving, that's the best i can do these days... the past week pushed the body to sleep deprivation because work had so much to be done and three nights were busy (two softball and one dinner) and so there was no gym time and no self-focus time and minimal writing time (which is a sign of over-business, if you know me) and so, the weight loss deal probably didn't make much progress but just keep swimming, just keep swimming, ya know...

and who's noticing, anyway? :}

ups and downs

the severity of change that would usually happen when i make a commitment to change habits and drop some serious weight has not happened, but some change is happening in spite of an extremely busy schedule that does not allow time for recovery/rest or other basic chores like routine laundry and house cleaning and so on... the lack of daily interaction with the only person with a healthy influence does not help at all as the hedonistic influences and habits are a powerful force, but we'll see if she cares enough to keep in touch enough to influence...

of course i know it is up to me to make changes in me for myself, but with no one to share the lifestyle, i don't feel like being even more isolated from people than i already am because of my different perspectives... the daily sharing is still with people who head to wing houses after games, for instance... and i just might would rather live fewer years with companionship than more years alone... deeper understanding into the current habits?...

yup... ups and downs...

promises, promises

did i promise?... did i challenge myself to a goal in front of a friend?... that does make it more binding, after all... yes, tonight i told someone who actually seems to care about me (this is the body talking) that i would drop weight to under 200 pounds by may 1... of course if i took it seriously, i'd probably go for 190 by may 1... just cuz i'm crazy like that and i do not like to restrict my hedonism for too long... the key to all this will be maintaining smaller portions and more balance and less binging on three pound bags of m&ms and decadent cakes with ten ounces of hot fudge and... hello?... oh, was i telling?... ok, so maybe tonight is the first night of a new adjustment to the lifestyle and a return of the physical sensuality beyond the taste buds and rush from foods... of course the real change will be the return of the abs and i didn't exzactly promise that, so there's still that huge seriousness to stop ignoring and brushing off with silly asides and goofy sarcasm and ridiculous rationalizations and insane excuses and delightful self-mockery... oh, blatant honesty is so much fun...

but seriously, i so appreciate the friend :)

hedonism is fun

the pattern continues, i mean, the pattern of careless fun with some measure of disregard for the body just continues and i am enjoying the heck out of it on so many levels... busy with work so much that i skip lunch just to get the work done and get out at a reasonable hour... busy with fun and games after work, softball, game nights, dinners and movies and such, so there is no time to even think about anything deeper than the fun of the moment, no less feel anything other than the fun of the moment, and assorted sundries... so the bloat remains, rising and falling with whim and weather... and the body ages faster than it has to, even though it is still at a rate slower than the average human norm... and does anybody care?... maybe, but not close enough to have any real influence... let's face it, hedonism is fun...

sigh :}

forgetting again

it's like i have selective alsheimer's or something, or perhaps it's just selective amnesia, but i am back to accepting laziness and bloating on food and too much sugar and fats and carbs and so on and so forth and being all buddha belly... it's like i am deliberately indulging my taste buds and other sensory stimulus because nobody else is around to share or care... in fact, that is what i am doing, cuz the physical experience is so much fun... but does that keep me from attracting someone who is attractive to me?... seems so, but then, what do i know...

duh...

gotta get your abs right

what would be good for this body more than anything, i think, would be finding motivation to remember that i have abs… there was a time when a thousand sit ups was a piece of cake… now, a piece of cake is all my abs see… and used to be i’d be motivated by the prospect of sex, but as much as i still enjoy sensuality, my high abdominal standards have crashed and burned in the past decade… sad, cuz everything is so much better when the abs are right…

food

the body needs balance most of all... the body needs food to live and yet, the body craves all sorts of physical/sensual stimulation and when food becomes the dominant one, or worse, the only one, health suffers and everything else follows and no amount of exercise can change it... don't let that happen...

(anymore)...

don't lose it this time

i mean the motivation to live, dammit... the decadent snacks are still everywhere and the belly continues to beg for bloat and the taste buds continue to crave fat and sugar and grease and crap and the body continues to crave for carbs and sugars and chocolate drugs and we must change the habit, we must retrain the metabolism to not crave large quantities of sugars and carbs at every meal... we must retrain the body to digest the proteins...

ok body, so talk

yeah, well, ok, so... was it last week?... the 27th, to be precise, so... saturday?... yes, twice on saturday 40 minutes each time on the elliptical machine with improvement... a mile in 12 minutes, then 3 miles in just over 40 minutes the first time... and 2 miles in 24 minutes, with 3 miles in 38 minutes the second time... and then monday (cuz sunday the gym was too crowded, but i did jog on down)... 2 miles in 21 minutes with a 3x10 rep 4 station (40 down curl, 50 curl, 105 seated bench press, 105 pull down) upper body workout (arms/chest/upper back) prior to the elliptical... and now today, fourth time in 6 days, 1 mile in 9:50 and 2 miles in 20 minutes with the same 3x10 rep (60/60/120/120) after the elliptical (avg mph 5.7, avg pulse 138)... all 4 workouts i made a peak pulse of at least 160 and maintained an avg over 130... no sharp pains, some burn, no lingering aches, feeling in touch and in control... definitely felt the sugar rush from the party last night (and the four hours sleep), but continued progress/improvement is a good sign even though there is a very long way to go (months, at least?) to return to optimal weight and satisfactory condition...

so we're not dead yet, but stay tuned :)

gym log

12/27 day, 42 ellip (elp), just under 3m(min), 12m 1st(mile)
12/27 eve, 42 ellip, under 12m 1st, 24, 2nd, 38m 3rd
12/29 eve, 22 elp,11m 1st,21m 2nd,4station 3x10rep(40/40/105/105)
1/1 day, 22 elp, 9:50 1st, 20 2nd, 4stat 3x10rep, (60/60/120/120)

yay, now just continue...

time for me

screaming through a runny nose that has me hacking enough to actually pour nighttime cough/cold medicine down my throat still is not keeping me home or increasing the sleep time so desperately needed for fighting off the bugs inside and rebuilding the frayed immune system that is allowing this cold/flu bug to take hold... no rest for the idiot desperately seeking attention and social interaction... i know it is the holiday season when social opportunities are frequent and hiding out leaves us all the more lonely all year, but sheesh... and i know he isn't trying to kill me, but he sure is not taking care of me right... somebody smack him and put me to bed for a week... preferably with an adorable nurse...

sincerely,
the body

still the same (or worse?)

feeling the blood pressure higher than it should be due to the bloat around the major organs and excess weight and sleep deprivation and now, fatigue induced head-cold symptoms... add not sleeping well to the physical discomforts and suicidal tendencies... hope i wake up and remember how to live before i die...

why hast thou foresaken me?

woah, getting biblical on my ass, am i?... well, the body has it's own irreverent sense of humor and as it does speak out here, i occasionally respond as i am doing now (so who is really in control?... oooo, the question cuts the air like a razor wire)...

ummmmm, in spite of the frequent softball, the eating habits remain over-indulgent for the taste buds and ignore the bloat signals sent by the stomach and other vital organs in the torso, leaving the ridiculouso sign flashing on the forehead for anyone with a third eye to see... so when will the gym become a regular part of the routine and when will i remember what stamina really means and when will i start taking the resistance against gravity and the natural aging forces seriously...

ever?...

there's something burning somewhere... and i think it's me.