activity partner(s)

that is one of the most important thing missing in this life these days, activity partners who will play will me... tennis partners... softball workout partners... gym partners... running partners... we won't even get into sex partners here as that is yet another story for yet another entry for yet another blog... as the years have passed i enjoy the solitary exercise i used to love (long runs especially) less and less and i want to share the physical fun more and more, so i find myself letting much needed rest and other necessary fun (like writing, playing mind games, reading, and communicating with others) take the place of solitary physical activity and without an activity partner that means not enough physical activity so... thinking about this...

anybody wanna play [insert activity] with me? :)

major pigging out

jackson left for five days and i went nuts... is it the loneliness?... the pity party?... the self-indulgeance?... something else?... whatever, pasta and cheese and chocolate, oh my... probably gain ten pounds in these five days of madness... someday i'll die... wonder if i'll drop the weight and get optimal health back first... wish you were here :)

hard body

just for the record (or for you and me, serious as it gets, if you care), if you want to get back to the hard body optimal health just let me know and i will get you there if you will keep up with me, but until you get here and show me you want it, i'll just enjoy life on my own and balance the pleasures with the health... balance being somewhere in the middle, not at either extreme...

so just bring you mind set on hard body if you want mine :)

yeah, right

so after dropping a bit of revealing connection type information here for the offering for those who care enough to explore beyond the body thoughts, i chose to push through the abdominal distress and play softball (running hard, hitting well, pitching even better, yay) and then fast food frenzy the body tonight, including the mountain dew... so far, the body is not screaming in rebellion (if we do not count the ear ringing that warns of the blood pressure which is definitely high after the fast food and sugar-caffiene rush), but the wisdom behind the impulse knows better...

still, it turns me on (the physical pleasures of life, that is)... i so relate to the messenger character in city of angels even if the body thinks that just might be suicidal thinking... loving the hedonistic life for as long as it lasts...

and how are you? :)

a matter of time

the brain craves stimulation more than any other part of the body and that steals time from sleep and everything else, especially long into the night... and this craving will kill this body, it is just a matter of time... but then, does any body live forever?...

last seen heading in a circular direction

out for another run, 6 laps 2358 and 7 in 28:23, tougher than the past two runs cuz of fatigue, meat fatigue as i call it, and the heat of the day too and a bit of grogginess and not having the mind just right so the stamina wasn't quite there so the first lap was a push to keep it under 4 minutes as was every other lap, but heck, still did the 6 laps in under 4 minutes a lap so sigh (i mean yay)...

still eating the meatloaf so the wight is not changing, maybe even going up... the legsa are thin as ever, but the torso continues to be blooated... next week, maybe the diet will balance better... and sleep and other stuff and gee by golly wiz, i'm awful tired now... and just lonely enough to still be awake writing, aye?...

ought to get some sleep, huh? (narf :)

second run

this week, that is... maybe the start of another increased exercise phase and maybe the start of a return to the physical me (if there is still time), but anyway... another timed lap count around the community, seven laps this time (this time?... did i even mention i timed a run/walk around the community one morning this past week?... 22 minutes and change for five and a half laps, setting my goal for the moment at under 4 minute laps for at least five laps... it was a nice cool morning and i slept until waking naturally cuz i went to bed shortly after getting home from work and while i missed writing and me time, yay for enough sleep and back to now again) with the final lap walked and the first ran and the five middle laps walked and run, or ran, whichever might work... this time i started the first lap off faster than last time (last time was 3:33 and this time it was just over 3 minutes) which, combined with the day time heat and the fatigue cuz i did not wake naturally, took it's toll so i didn't run three full laps as i did last time, but i still did the six laps in under 4 minutes per lap (23:31) which is the minimum pace i seem to have set for myself and the last lap walked in five minutes or so kept the seven laps under 30 minutes (actually 28:35 or so) so... it's a decently good day considering how long it's been since i actually was in shape by my standards (and will never actually be there again due to natural deterioration of the body due to time, but that reality does not have to be a downer as long as i once again reach maximum potential in the moment before i die... somewhere in my mind i always thought it would be this far along in life, just wish it didn't have to be, ya know?)...

well, maybe somebody knows :)

weighty thoughts

amused enough by this (e)thereal entry that probably belonged here that i bring it here, yeah, that's right, i'm bringing it...

i have a doctor's appointment on monday and kinda sorta lead him to believe i would seriously consider a limited partial almost committment to actual dietary changes to fascilitate actual weight loss and gee, i didn't do it... so do i semi-starve myself for the next five days or do i celebrate my four day weekend with the dinner i so deserve and kinda sorta want...

the decision, for the moment at least, is to eat a can of vegetable soup. a bag of light pop corn, and some raw unsalted pecans... my taste buds are moderately unimpressed and that part of my brain craving a meatball parm sub is cursing my higher functioning brain's decision...

i don't know if i'll keep this up till monday, but i did wake early and run this morning... and will a week (i've been eating light and healthy since monday) of sudden strict healthy light diet will really matter?... only if it's followed by thirty more weeks (or at least days) of the same to change the metabolism and drop the weight and then, the occasional new york hot dog with red onions (had more than a few of those sunday) and meatball parm sub and massive extra everything pizza and piles of pasta with rich sauces and and decadent chocolate mousse cake and milk shakes and and and...

this does not bode well for a week of serious change... but at least there is a start... perhaps one day of decadence a week might keep the wight loss program on track until the magic 180 (heck, i remember a lower number being the goal once upon a time) mark is reached once again...

sure, time will tell :)

lollygagging

without the gagging and come to think of it, not much lollying either, but still only limping toward the healthier change i am supposed to be making this year (is this the year i promised myself, i mean, i'm not 64 yet, nor am i losing my hair, at least not any more than i've been losing it all through this life, which is easily enough to clog any drain in less than half a dozen showers if i don't clean up behind myself, less if i scrub and brush, but still it's thicker than the average bear, and besides the point, perhaps)...

ate pretty health this week until tonight when the lobsters were in town and i chowed down... the body wanted to check in to say we could go any day now, or we could last another hundred years... life is like that...

focus for the next twenty days, will ya? :)

duh duh doh doh doh

and the neck is a bit better most days, but the bloat remains and foolishness or hedonism, life slowly rolls playfully toward it's end in this body as the blood pressure remains high and the ssugar levels near high and other stuff too... and no exercise other than the softball several times a week and the occasional 5k and other stuff, which is more than some and i weightr less than most and still, the body is warned by the doctors and i have no time to focus on will power or wanting to live longer than today to do any different...

and how are you? :}

weirdness

the body does not seem to want me to write, at least not in this chair with the laptop on my lap... the neck pain (and ear ringing) flairs up within ten or fifteen minutes of sitting with this laptop on my lap... is it the sitting back and looking down, some sort of carpal tunnel?... doesn't happen at work and i am at the computer all day there eight or nine straight hours at a clip and yet sitting here ten minutes and ouch...

weird body message... increase exercise, of course, fool...

survival

yes, the body survived the worst of the recent attack (and i know i allowed it as a way to give myself more me time) and as the body heals i wonder if i woke up enough to realize the hedonistic buddha is a pleasure for the mouth and some parts of the brain and body (cuz the chemicals in sugars and fats and caffeine are trippy), but it leaves other parts of the body over-stressed and semi-numb (like the heart, kidneys, liver, skin, muscles, and sex organs, for that matter... what?... you didn't know fats and sugars and caffeiene are leading causes of impotence?... luckily i am so freaking over-sexed it just brings me down to almost normal... who's kidding? lol lam)...

so is it time to turn the cycle around again?...

there's always hope :)

cave in

sometimes i just want some me time and the only way is to let the body cave into the bugs, the bacteria and viruses and fungii and yeast and any other parasite that lives in and around the body and so i did this week with the usual dramatic exaggeration that comes with selfish me time and three days off work were granted by the wise medical profession and yet, some bacjfiring may have occurred as more than 48 hours of fasting triggered the starvation mindset and so the last two days of eating put more fat into the fat cells even though i only ate two and a half meals all week...

dummy...

but the me time was sweet :)

kicking the bloat button hard

yeah, food filled week put tons on the carcass and the madness returned quite suddenly as the fast food junkie took over largely cuz there's no cooking in the kitchen since the move has boxes everywhere and hopefully i'll unpack and set the kitchen up for eating this weekend so the fast food junkie doesn't kill me...

and how are you?...

aches fading

was achy until tonight cuz this weekend was moving, box after box after box and furniture and achy all over, but getting better now... just don't have enough rest time cuz there's work work work...

hope this body lives long enough to really rest and relax and experience the whole of everything one more time before it dies :}

belly bloat

yeah, again, the belly bloat was quite noticeable as i tried to swing the bat at softball today as my arms felt like lead weights and my belly taunted my back and so i barely swung cuz i did not want to strain anything further than already strained by the belly bloat and while pitching went fine, i must reduce the belly bloat and strengthen my core and upper body if i want to actually hit with any consitency and reasonable power... so says the body, core, torso, and arms especially... we did win both games and i walked twice and would have walked a third time if i wanted to but the last time up we were up something like 19-3 so i just swung at a bad pitch with a 3-1 count and lined the ball at the second baseman who dropped it but the runner on first did not run and therefore was tagged out... shows up late, misses the first game, complains all game, and no hustle, but i didn't say anything to her as we won big... my focus remains on the belly bloat s it should... tomorrow...

what?

here i am again and my first thought was that i haven't been here in a while and i see i was here yesterday and that may be a sign of being overworked out of touch and losing my mind (as if it ever was all mind in the first place, as if it could be anybody else's, as if my self-mockery isn't thinly disguised arrogance, or perhaps the insecurity and helpless whining is the facade that keeps me amused {and alone} while i am waiting for the one cha cha cha) and doggonit, tired...

lately the neck, upper and lower, has been paining kind of naggingly enough to have a queasy stomach at times and even a frontal lobe headache now and then and did i the occasional foot cramps... fatigue, definitely, but i wonder what else... core muscle weakness, probably, but else?... eating one meal a day late at night and sleeping uncomfortably in a recliner or lumpy bed covered in dirty laundry?... likely... too much time sitting at a computer staring at a screen typing and moving a mouse?... ding ding ding, i think we have a winner... though the other things too...

like, ummm, maybe blood pressure (did i say that?)...

and yet, the mind and heart and core me wants to write and share even if the body cannot keep up with it... help me if you can i'm feeling down, la la la la.... so how are you? :}

bloaty belly

softball started up again tonight and i noticed the bloated belly has become a fixture the last few weeks as i work 12+ hour days without food and then eat and nod off when i get home and though it did wake in the middle of the night and make it to the gym again since the last entry here, it's fatigue from overwork and eating one meal late and lack of sleep that's getting to me and no writing, creativity, sharing, and loving that is missing big time and so the body bloats... and yet, i wear large shirts comfortable, which means i am not as big as i get when i must wear extra large shirts only... maybe i'm getting smaller as i age... anybody wanna grow older with me? (cuz we're not gonna grow old, right?)... alas, the rub is that there's nobody around my age who plays softball and basketball and runs and stays up all night and still parties like a little kid and most younger folk just don't have the experience to understand and while their little bodies are cute, there's so much more going on in my mind than anybody else i know so... is this body talk? lol lam :)

three in a row

this is one hundred entries for this body thoughts blog and the recent reawakening has now gone on for three consecutive days and while only getting 4-5 hours sleep, i feel more energized and in a better state of mind, though the muscle fatigue is building up and i must remember the heart is a muscle that needs rest and when it cramps, look out, so i shall try to get more sleep tomorrow night (just seem to be waking at shortly before 3AM and the brain filled with thoughts, too many thoughts of the overwhelming workload at work, unfortunately, it is not ready for more sleep so it drags the body to the gym, which is good, and here we are again)... happy brain, the body says balance, please :)

gym two

so wise or not, i am not in the second night of going to the gym in the middle of the night instead of going back to sleep after waking from my approximately four hour name in the living room chair and while i hope i am not waking jackson or happiness and i hope i am not in the way nodding off in the living room and i do not believe i am as she sleeps with a fan on and goes to bed early i still must go with this recently rather sudden remotivation to exercise again and if i focus on anything else i might distract myself and let the laziness take the wheel and so i continue, i hope, and eat more earlier and less later and hope...

almost attraction, bloat, drag, habits, lam, lonely, muscle burn, pathetic, plea, pushing, ridiculoso, sensuality, smile, stupid, survive, waste, but not quite, aye?...

tired much? :)

didn't die

just drifted away into oblivion when it comes to body awareness and such as i poured all the holiday foods down the throat and piled on more than ten pounds since i last thought about coming here... and tonight i woke in the middle of the night and went to the gym instead of going back to sleep and here we are, redidicated?... well, at least a bit more awake...

if i say/write that i will be back under 180 pounds when this year ends and stay they for good this time, will that mean i will be dead at the end of this year (that is one way to get under 180 for good, aye?) or does that mean i will finally take the life i've got left seriously on the physical plane again?...

you know what will tell :)

not in the best frame

of mind all the time, but the pleasure factor continues to test the limits of the human condition in this physical world, much as they did at the fall of rome, i imagine... i wonder if they had their paranoid war mongers beating the drums of fear and hate like we do... care for some tea?...

the body probably would, in any case, while the joker and thief continue to debate the way out of here, there, and everywhere wherever we are, i crown myself king of the hedonists for one more night and for better or worse, you missed again...

hope you enjoyed yourself wherever you are :)

hiccups

last week i suddenly without planning changed dietary paths back to serious veggie light cutting out soda caffeine sugar fat and all the processed stuff i was eating so much of (and i haven't had italian or anything outside either) and i dropped more than ten pounds to see 199 on the scale one the bottom-out morning... the body is about 203 at the moment as i pigged out on late night veggies with sauces the past two nights, but still on the way down and hopefully will see the 170s by the end of the year again... at least the low 180s... still having too much fun to take the lean mean fighting machine seriously though (but the teenage dream is not gone either, cha know :)

could be

it may all come down to this, that i indulge my oral senses and body with tastes and foods and all the chemical reactions that come with the chemicals in foods because i no longer believe there is someone in this world who will really get me and more, want to share everything and if that person is not out there, why bother denying myself the sensual pleasures i can find that are out there... not frustraion, but pure pleasure?... what a novel idea :)

feel free to offer any other logical reasoning :)

my feet hurt

along with 90% of the body as fatigue runs so very deep after many evenings in a row of basketball and eating less (calories, protein, fats, sugars, which is a shock to the system and created a rocky stream of kidney stones and sediment as the kidneys stress over the changes and energy is even lower as chill runs deep through the cells), so tonight i ate three eggs, sort of devilled with garlic, mayo, mustard, and stevia, all aolkaline forming stuff to counteract the high acid body that helps the sediments and stones form)...

it's an old friend ache... sorely missed... and no one is around to curl up around me and tell me i did good and it'll be alright...

sigh, and all :}

bloat

one of the rare nights i want to sleep and the body is keeping me away with either a uri or something, enlarged prostate?... kidney stone?... some sort of cancer eating away at some vital organ?... or simply, overeating and bloat... not feeling bad at all, just like i need to pee and poop and a little bit explosive, but feeling good otherwise... of course bloat is the easy answer, the least complicated medically, the least worrisome and all that...

how are you? :)

hypocrit?

i remain mostly bloated once again, stupidity by choice (which defines stupidity, after all), and maybe that makes me a hypocrit or just stupid... it's not as if i find myself attractive or think i am immune to the unhealthiness of fat, i just don't care enough to take optimal care of this body these days... sad, i suppose, and yet, i am laughing at the hedonistic carelessness...

hope i don't stroke :}

fat repulses me

whether it is nature or nurture, cultural influences or instinct (debate away), it does not matter for the cause/source does not change the feeling... even when i am only minimally repulsed, there is no attraction, period... as much as i love myself, my own fat repulses me when i see too much of it and too much is a roll, too much is skin that does not have visible muscle tone, not even close to body builder for too much muscle is too much to be attractive to me too, but visible muscle tone beneath the firm skin... without this, any attempt at physical intimacy is a waste of time and i do not want to fake it or be harsh in rejections, so i stay away from intimacy when i am visibly over-fat and i stay away from visibly over-fat others... no wonder i am alone in this over-fat country, aye?...

let me hear your body talk...

gym at midnight

running on caffeine and adrenaline, only 3-4 hours sleep and still, made it to the gym around midnight and the body loved it, even if the heart gives out tomorrow, it felt fantastic tonight... and without a lover, after all, what pleasure can i experience... masturbation, exercise, creative play, and food...

meet me at the gym at midnight :)

tinnitus

the ear is screaming at the loudest it's been in a long time... wonder why... blood pressure? (too lazy to check)... no caffeine today... just ate soup and a fat free cream cheese sandwich and a bit of calamari... life is otherwise so wonderfully fun and joyous... lonely at times, and screaming, but fun and joyous :)

woke a bit

with a little help from my friend... perhaps tomorrow i shall wake a bit more all by myself (even though i still don't wanna be)...

amazing rest

better than amazing grace, a pure true rest is the rebirth of the body, mind, spirit, all that is a being, at least for me in the experience i know in this physical life... please, this body pleads, do not forget to rest...

perhaps it is time to remember :)

and then i laugh

all the emo drama, complaints, self-berating, blah blah blah and so on... yeah, it's great to be thin, to be light, to move smoothely and reach for the optimal physical experience in this life, but heck, i am so comfortable in my skin it is ridiculous to lay the wah wah guilt trip on myself... truth is, it is all so all in the mind...

and then i laugh :)

dang dummy

one of these days i'll finally unpack (i moved two months ago, and a week) and find the scale and find out how many pounds i gained in the past six months... and today, the disk slipped reminding me of how vulnerable the belly makes the lower back... hopefully it will heal quickly as i have softball in less than 48 hours and it is challenging to play when the body will not stand up straight or move quickly...

sigh, the aging process sucks, especially when the belly grows and the laziness wins the daily battle of the buldges... at least i am checking in and whatever (hopeful or something)...

a bottom line

yeah, well, the bottome line (or at least one of them) is that i am not attractive to myself today, so anyone finding me attractive does not share my perspective of what is attractive and therefore, is not compatible... it is really so simple when clarity illuminates the brain, there's no point and only foolishness that supports confusion in any attempt to explain further...

so this is why nobody plays with me today (can you hear my body talk)... masterbation is more fun than sex with an unattractive body... my loss, but also my fun... compromise, my way... or something like that...

was better yesterday

seems to be a sick body i'm living in today... ear screaming...

hopefully it'll feel better tomorrow...

had a moment

yes, a brief moment of clarity the other night when i skipped dinner and went to bed right after work and slept twelve hours and felt the weight of the bloat almost left and then, got home the second night and bloated up again... one of these days, change the pattern (before death to i part, aye?)...

stop the stupid, k? :}


.

P.S... and an hour later, i found myself coming home from the gym to write this update... the bloat and flab is large, but i did move again, treadmill and elliptical... now if i just keep that up for the next three hundred nights, at least... five hundred nights would be better... join me? :)

wow, cellular memory

i forget almost every time in every conscious way when i disassociate myself from the physical shell (and the body laughs it's maniacal suicidal cheesy grin laugh as it does not have much choice and it knows it on that cellular memory level that the consciousness avoids so often, but every now and then a glimmer of a glimpse, a sliver of memory slices through as if to be placed on a slide and probes by an electron microscope (cuz that is how thin a slice it is most of the time) and when the brain turns on it's subatomic eye to perceive (because it is beyond human sight as we know it) the cellular memory, the brain floats through a sea of emotions made of every extreme as the temporary journey of life saves it from the utter despair and depths of depression that the daily suicidal choices would ordinarily bring to the ordinary normal mind...

thank goodness i am abnormal...

and the body sighs, laughed out, and blinks back into existence for the briefest moment before blinking again back into oblivion... this is life in human form in this world at this time and i finally fit in...

such a waste, and yet, a success... would amy be proud?... would the others who thought me too idealistic and lacking in common sense when i refused to conform and die, living dead cuz that was the way everyone chose?... and what if i chose to wake now?...

does anyone understand?

:)

dare i not?

or dare i do?... climbing on the scale again is not happening lately, but i suspect i've rises well above 200 again... so let's see... yup. though not as bad as i almost thought, still at 202 all this time after the holidays... indulging in food cuz it tastes so good, cuz masturbation is simply not enough stimulation for the body cuz the taste buds are so sensual too and i am so very oral (come to think of it, i do miss kissing)...

anyway, drop 30 pounds by when? :}

dang fool kid

thing is, i enjoy it way too much... the food, and snacks and healthy food and chocolate and food and... yeah, rising to the 200 mark again, dag nabit... but am i struggling to stop or turn around?... am i angst ridden and self-loathing and all that psychobabble?... no, just a fool in love with his chocolate... way too many parties to go vegan healthy all by myself at the moment... so how did you enjoying your holidays?...

oh fk xmas food

there's just too much of it... and much of it is chocolate, which is really too much dam pleasure for my own good... rising back above 190, i wonder where i'll stop... nothing a good sex partner couldn't put an end to...

freaking thanksgiving

all north americans seem to do is eat... there's a restaurant every mile, or ten feet in most places, and fast food growing on trees... of course the irony or whatever of the metaphor or simile or whatever is whatever...

not still losing weight, obviously, not exercising as much either, though playing five games of softball a week and working longer hours is leaving me exhausted... not exercised out good exhausted, just exhausted...

apologies from the brain to the body...

major pain

i sit here trying to keep my right knee above my heart while balancing a plastic bag full of ice on it and still typing on the laptop on half of my lap cuz it's very swollen, the knee, not the lap or laptop, cuz i am suffering the slings and arrows (actually, not-really-soft softballs) after tonight's travesty, i mean game... i took myself out after the second inning cuz i felt the swelling cuz a ball travelling at least a gazillion miles per second (ok, seriously, at least 90 mph, very possibly higher cuz we think the team we played uses juiced bats that exceed the asa bat speed limit) hit the inner side of my right knee and it hurts oodles...

that was the first ball hit during the game... the second ball hit was just as hard and it hit my right hand and glove and bounced past the second baseman all the way to the right fielder, ouch... and the third ball hit struck my glove and bounced over the head of the second baseman into right field... yes, hard hit balls... the team we played was dangerously under-rated by asa softball classifications which made for a dangerous situation, especially for the pitcher...

so major pain for the body and the hope that the swelling and damage doesn't make walking too challenging tomorrow and the rest of the week cuz i've got another game to play (skipping the thursday game) sunday...

how are you? :)

soup is too salty

though low calorie, soup is way too salty to be a steady diet and the weight of fatigue and blood pressure (sensing it, not measuring it) is draining the body these days... as lack of full REM cycles is catching up with the aging brain and lack of sleep is catching up with the body and over-eating (even when dinner is soup and yogurt, back to one huge meal a day in the evening is not right) is weighing both down and raising the blood pressure to unhealthy levels (that's a sense-judgment as i don't make time to check the actual blood pressure these days for the same reason the place i live in is a wreck, no time... and that is both physically and psychologically uncomfortable so change the dang habits, fool)...

thank you for the good advice...

bloating up again

stupid is as stupid does and i am doesing stupid good these days, but though it very well may be a possible sign of suicidal tendencies and is most likely a cry for help, the end may not be about to be just yet, we hope... the weight cap is hopefully going to top out at 190 (instead of 220, which was the max cap for a while in this decade and in the eighties too, ironically, both decades i held professional office jobs and reduced sleep to ridiculously minimal levels and neglect myself in almost every way, a recipe for disaster, the death kind, so wake up and save yourself, myself, right?)...

ok, hopefully this is the wake up call... loneliness and feeling unloved and missing being cared about and all that poor-me stuff is placated by food... but if i do not really want to die, things will change again...

video game diet update

i stopped to play a video game that helped me focus on dropping the weight i piled on during a few years of imbalanced diet and when i returned to daily blogging more than ever, i find the past month has unfocused the balance i had achieved in the diet and have regained at least ten of the almost forty pounds i lost during the two or so months of what i semi-jokingly called the video game diet...

ironiculous

ridicuny?... yes, well, i am here... the game broke and i am here... i pigged out on pizza and chocolate and chips and the stuff i had not had in months this week, and i am here... i dropped 40 pounds as of last week and gained back 10 this week and i am here... ironic?... ridiculous?... silly me, making good progress, but what fun is progress without some slippage... three steps forward, two steps back, and one to the side... that's the ticket... the great news is i now consider 185 fat... imagine how out of touch i was when i was over 220... playing softball 4x a week... doing a bit of running... working way too many hours... eating mostly very healthy (in spite of the divergence of this week)... the body smiles, the mouth laughs, the happy medium is on the horizon... life is good, even though it's still lonely, it's very good... how about you? :)

circular motion

yeah, up and down, back to 192, back to 199.8, and round and round and round again... that was may... focus just was not there... maybe it was the disappointment in the people (softball teams, work colleagues, old friends, the human race, all the little things)... maybe it was the unresolved (uninvited?)... maybe it was (was?... isn't it still is-ing?... like now?) just boredom fueling the ambivalence that replaced the joyous optimism and hope and belief in love and life and pleasure and caring and sharing and peace and love (did i meantion love?) and happiness and romance and passion and idealism and beauty and promises and love (mustn't forget the love) and the dreams... maybe it's just getting old...

so why am i still giggling?

fall and rise

focus got me all the way down to 192 and then, unfocus got me back up to 199.2... not 200 thoughg, so maybe there's something to those famous last words i uttered here recently... so 190 by june 1st?... another crash end of month rally?... can't be too good for the heart and other vital organs, but madness runs in the brain... poor body, it is only a pawn in the brain's insane delusions and madcap adventures... if only it wasn't alone, aye?...

dropping weight

focused (fasting, hard core, maybe dangerous at this point in the life time line, but being me, it's what i do) and into the mid-nineties determined not to rise back above 200 again... famous last words or something prophetic or whatever, time will tell me and then i'll probably let you know too...

yeah, we shall see :)