survival

yes, the body survived the worst of the recent attack (and i know i allowed it as a way to give myself more me time) and as the body heals i wonder if i woke up enough to realize the hedonistic buddha is a pleasure for the mouth and some parts of the brain and body (cuz the chemicals in sugars and fats and caffeine are trippy), but it leaves other parts of the body over-stressed and semi-numb (like the heart, kidneys, liver, skin, muscles, and sex organs, for that matter... what?... you didn't know fats and sugars and caffeiene are leading causes of impotence?... luckily i am so freaking over-sexed it just brings me down to almost normal... who's kidding? lol lam)...

so is it time to turn the cycle around again?...

there's always hope :)

cave in

sometimes i just want some me time and the only way is to let the body cave into the bugs, the bacteria and viruses and fungii and yeast and any other parasite that lives in and around the body and so i did this week with the usual dramatic exaggeration that comes with selfish me time and three days off work were granted by the wise medical profession and yet, some bacjfiring may have occurred as more than 48 hours of fasting triggered the starvation mindset and so the last two days of eating put more fat into the fat cells even though i only ate two and a half meals all week...

dummy...

but the me time was sweet :)

kicking the bloat button hard

yeah, food filled week put tons on the carcass and the madness returned quite suddenly as the fast food junkie took over largely cuz there's no cooking in the kitchen since the move has boxes everywhere and hopefully i'll unpack and set the kitchen up for eating this weekend so the fast food junkie doesn't kill me...

and how are you?...

aches fading

was achy until tonight cuz this weekend was moving, box after box after box and furniture and achy all over, but getting better now... just don't have enough rest time cuz there's work work work...

hope this body lives long enough to really rest and relax and experience the whole of everything one more time before it dies :}

belly bloat

yeah, again, the belly bloat was quite noticeable as i tried to swing the bat at softball today as my arms felt like lead weights and my belly taunted my back and so i barely swung cuz i did not want to strain anything further than already strained by the belly bloat and while pitching went fine, i must reduce the belly bloat and strengthen my core and upper body if i want to actually hit with any consitency and reasonable power... so says the body, core, torso, and arms especially... we did win both games and i walked twice and would have walked a third time if i wanted to but the last time up we were up something like 19-3 so i just swung at a bad pitch with a 3-1 count and lined the ball at the second baseman who dropped it but the runner on first did not run and therefore was tagged out... shows up late, misses the first game, complains all game, and no hustle, but i didn't say anything to her as we won big... my focus remains on the belly bloat s it should... tomorrow...

what?

here i am again and my first thought was that i haven't been here in a while and i see i was here yesterday and that may be a sign of being overworked out of touch and losing my mind (as if it ever was all mind in the first place, as if it could be anybody else's, as if my self-mockery isn't thinly disguised arrogance, or perhaps the insecurity and helpless whining is the facade that keeps me amused {and alone} while i am waiting for the one cha cha cha) and doggonit, tired...

lately the neck, upper and lower, has been paining kind of naggingly enough to have a queasy stomach at times and even a frontal lobe headache now and then and did i the occasional foot cramps... fatigue, definitely, but i wonder what else... core muscle weakness, probably, but else?... eating one meal a day late at night and sleeping uncomfortably in a recliner or lumpy bed covered in dirty laundry?... likely... too much time sitting at a computer staring at a screen typing and moving a mouse?... ding ding ding, i think we have a winner... though the other things too...

like, ummm, maybe blood pressure (did i say that?)...

and yet, the mind and heart and core me wants to write and share even if the body cannot keep up with it... help me if you can i'm feeling down, la la la la.... so how are you? :}

bloaty belly

softball started up again tonight and i noticed the bloated belly has become a fixture the last few weeks as i work 12+ hour days without food and then eat and nod off when i get home and though it did wake in the middle of the night and make it to the gym again since the last entry here, it's fatigue from overwork and eating one meal late and lack of sleep that's getting to me and no writing, creativity, sharing, and loving that is missing big time and so the body bloats... and yet, i wear large shirts comfortable, which means i am not as big as i get when i must wear extra large shirts only... maybe i'm getting smaller as i age... anybody wanna grow older with me? (cuz we're not gonna grow old, right?)... alas, the rub is that there's nobody around my age who plays softball and basketball and runs and stays up all night and still parties like a little kid and most younger folk just don't have the experience to understand and while their little bodies are cute, there's so much more going on in my mind than anybody else i know so... is this body talk? lol lam :)

three in a row

this is one hundred entries for this body thoughts blog and the recent reawakening has now gone on for three consecutive days and while only getting 4-5 hours sleep, i feel more energized and in a better state of mind, though the muscle fatigue is building up and i must remember the heart is a muscle that needs rest and when it cramps, look out, so i shall try to get more sleep tomorrow night (just seem to be waking at shortly before 3AM and the brain filled with thoughts, too many thoughts of the overwhelming workload at work, unfortunately, it is not ready for more sleep so it drags the body to the gym, which is good, and here we are again)... happy brain, the body says balance, please :)

gym two

so wise or not, i am not in the second night of going to the gym in the middle of the night instead of going back to sleep after waking from my approximately four hour name in the living room chair and while i hope i am not waking jackson or happiness and i hope i am not in the way nodding off in the living room and i do not believe i am as she sleeps with a fan on and goes to bed early i still must go with this recently rather sudden remotivation to exercise again and if i focus on anything else i might distract myself and let the laziness take the wheel and so i continue, i hope, and eat more earlier and less later and hope...

almost attraction, bloat, drag, habits, lam, lonely, muscle burn, pathetic, plea, pushing, ridiculoso, sensuality, smile, stupid, survive, waste, but not quite, aye?...

tired much? :)

didn't die

just drifted away into oblivion when it comes to body awareness and such as i poured all the holiday foods down the throat and piled on more than ten pounds since i last thought about coming here... and tonight i woke in the middle of the night and went to the gym instead of going back to sleep and here we are, redidicated?... well, at least a bit more awake...

if i say/write that i will be back under 180 pounds when this year ends and stay they for good this time, will that mean i will be dead at the end of this year (that is one way to get under 180 for good, aye?) or does that mean i will finally take the life i've got left seriously on the physical plane again?...

you know what will tell :)

not in the best frame

of mind all the time, but the pleasure factor continues to test the limits of the human condition in this physical world, much as they did at the fall of rome, i imagine... i wonder if they had their paranoid war mongers beating the drums of fear and hate like we do... care for some tea?...

the body probably would, in any case, while the joker and thief continue to debate the way out of here, there, and everywhere wherever we are, i crown myself king of the hedonists for one more night and for better or worse, you missed again...

hope you enjoyed yourself wherever you are :)

hiccups

last week i suddenly without planning changed dietary paths back to serious veggie light cutting out soda caffeine sugar fat and all the processed stuff i was eating so much of (and i haven't had italian or anything outside either) and i dropped more than ten pounds to see 199 on the scale one the bottom-out morning... the body is about 203 at the moment as i pigged out on late night veggies with sauces the past two nights, but still on the way down and hopefully will see the 170s by the end of the year again... at least the low 180s... still having too much fun to take the lean mean fighting machine seriously though (but the teenage dream is not gone either, cha know :)

could be

it may all come down to this, that i indulge my oral senses and body with tastes and foods and all the chemical reactions that come with the chemicals in foods because i no longer believe there is someone in this world who will really get me and more, want to share everything and if that person is not out there, why bother denying myself the sensual pleasures i can find that are out there... not frustraion, but pure pleasure?... what a novel idea :)

feel free to offer any other logical reasoning :)

my feet hurt

along with 90% of the body as fatigue runs so very deep after many evenings in a row of basketball and eating less (calories, protein, fats, sugars, which is a shock to the system and created a rocky stream of kidney stones and sediment as the kidneys stress over the changes and energy is even lower as chill runs deep through the cells), so tonight i ate three eggs, sort of devilled with garlic, mayo, mustard, and stevia, all aolkaline forming stuff to counteract the high acid body that helps the sediments and stones form)...

it's an old friend ache... sorely missed... and no one is around to curl up around me and tell me i did good and it'll be alright...

sigh, and all :}

bloat

one of the rare nights i want to sleep and the body is keeping me away with either a uri or something, enlarged prostate?... kidney stone?... some sort of cancer eating away at some vital organ?... or simply, overeating and bloat... not feeling bad at all, just like i need to pee and poop and a little bit explosive, but feeling good otherwise... of course bloat is the easy answer, the least complicated medically, the least worrisome and all that...

how are you? :)

hypocrit?

i remain mostly bloated once again, stupidity by choice (which defines stupidity, after all), and maybe that makes me a hypocrit or just stupid... it's not as if i find myself attractive or think i am immune to the unhealthiness of fat, i just don't care enough to take optimal care of this body these days... sad, i suppose, and yet, i am laughing at the hedonistic carelessness...

hope i don't stroke :}

fat repulses me

whether it is nature or nurture, cultural influences or instinct (debate away), it does not matter for the cause/source does not change the feeling... even when i am only minimally repulsed, there is no attraction, period... as much as i love myself, my own fat repulses me when i see too much of it and too much is a roll, too much is skin that does not have visible muscle tone, not even close to body builder for too much muscle is too much to be attractive to me too, but visible muscle tone beneath the firm skin... without this, any attempt at physical intimacy is a waste of time and i do not want to fake it or be harsh in rejections, so i stay away from intimacy when i am visibly over-fat and i stay away from visibly over-fat others... no wonder i am alone in this over-fat country, aye?...

let me hear your body talk...

gym at midnight

running on caffeine and adrenaline, only 3-4 hours sleep and still, made it to the gym around midnight and the body loved it, even if the heart gives out tomorrow, it felt fantastic tonight... and without a lover, after all, what pleasure can i experience... masturbation, exercise, creative play, and food...

meet me at the gym at midnight :)

tinnitus

the ear is screaming at the loudest it's been in a long time... wonder why... blood pressure? (too lazy to check)... no caffeine today... just ate soup and a fat free cream cheese sandwich and a bit of calamari... life is otherwise so wonderfully fun and joyous... lonely at times, and screaming, but fun and joyous :)

woke a bit

with a little help from my friend... perhaps tomorrow i shall wake a bit more all by myself (even though i still don't wanna be)...

amazing rest

better than amazing grace, a pure true rest is the rebirth of the body, mind, spirit, all that is a being, at least for me in the experience i know in this physical life... please, this body pleads, do not forget to rest...

perhaps it is time to remember :)

and then i laugh

all the emo drama, complaints, self-berating, blah blah blah and so on... yeah, it's great to be thin, to be light, to move smoothely and reach for the optimal physical experience in this life, but heck, i am so comfortable in my skin it is ridiculous to lay the wah wah guilt trip on myself... truth is, it is all so all in the mind...

and then i laugh :)

dang dummy

one of these days i'll finally unpack (i moved two months ago, and a week) and find the scale and find out how many pounds i gained in the past six months... and today, the disk slipped reminding me of how vulnerable the belly makes the lower back... hopefully it will heal quickly as i have softball in less than 48 hours and it is challenging to play when the body will not stand up straight or move quickly...

sigh, the aging process sucks, especially when the belly grows and the laziness wins the daily battle of the buldges... at least i am checking in and whatever (hopeful or something)...

a bottom line

yeah, well, the bottome line (or at least one of them) is that i am not attractive to myself today, so anyone finding me attractive does not share my perspective of what is attractive and therefore, is not compatible... it is really so simple when clarity illuminates the brain, there's no point and only foolishness that supports confusion in any attempt to explain further...

so this is why nobody plays with me today (can you hear my body talk)... masterbation is more fun than sex with an unattractive body... my loss, but also my fun... compromise, my way... or something like that...

was better yesterday

seems to be a sick body i'm living in today... ear screaming...

hopefully it'll feel better tomorrow...

had a moment

yes, a brief moment of clarity the other night when i skipped dinner and went to bed right after work and slept twelve hours and felt the weight of the bloat almost left and then, got home the second night and bloated up again... one of these days, change the pattern (before death to i part, aye?)...

stop the stupid, k? :}


.

P.S... and an hour later, i found myself coming home from the gym to write this update... the bloat and flab is large, but i did move again, treadmill and elliptical... now if i just keep that up for the next three hundred nights, at least... five hundred nights would be better... join me? :)

wow, cellular memory

i forget almost every time in every conscious way when i disassociate myself from the physical shell (and the body laughs it's maniacal suicidal cheesy grin laugh as it does not have much choice and it knows it on that cellular memory level that the consciousness avoids so often, but every now and then a glimmer of a glimpse, a sliver of memory slices through as if to be placed on a slide and probes by an electron microscope (cuz that is how thin a slice it is most of the time) and when the brain turns on it's subatomic eye to perceive (because it is beyond human sight as we know it) the cellular memory, the brain floats through a sea of emotions made of every extreme as the temporary journey of life saves it from the utter despair and depths of depression that the daily suicidal choices would ordinarily bring to the ordinary normal mind...

thank goodness i am abnormal...

and the body sighs, laughed out, and blinks back into existence for the briefest moment before blinking again back into oblivion... this is life in human form in this world at this time and i finally fit in...

such a waste, and yet, a success... would amy be proud?... would the others who thought me too idealistic and lacking in common sense when i refused to conform and die, living dead cuz that was the way everyone chose?... and what if i chose to wake now?...

does anyone understand?

:)

dare i not?

or dare i do?... climbing on the scale again is not happening lately, but i suspect i've rises well above 200 again... so let's see... yup. though not as bad as i almost thought, still at 202 all this time after the holidays... indulging in food cuz it tastes so good, cuz masturbation is simply not enough stimulation for the body cuz the taste buds are so sensual too and i am so very oral (come to think of it, i do miss kissing)...

anyway, drop 30 pounds by when? :}

dang fool kid

thing is, i enjoy it way too much... the food, and snacks and healthy food and chocolate and food and... yeah, rising to the 200 mark again, dag nabit... but am i struggling to stop or turn around?... am i angst ridden and self-loathing and all that psychobabble?... no, just a fool in love with his chocolate... way too many parties to go vegan healthy all by myself at the moment... so how did you enjoying your holidays?...

oh fk xmas food

there's just too much of it... and much of it is chocolate, which is really too much dam pleasure for my own good... rising back above 190, i wonder where i'll stop... nothing a good sex partner couldn't put an end to...

freaking thanksgiving

all north americans seem to do is eat... there's a restaurant every mile, or ten feet in most places, and fast food growing on trees... of course the irony or whatever of the metaphor or simile or whatever is whatever...

not still losing weight, obviously, not exercising as much either, though playing five games of softball a week and working longer hours is leaving me exhausted... not exercised out good exhausted, just exhausted...

apologies from the brain to the body...

major pain

i sit here trying to keep my right knee above my heart while balancing a plastic bag full of ice on it and still typing on the laptop on half of my lap cuz it's very swollen, the knee, not the lap or laptop, cuz i am suffering the slings and arrows (actually, not-really-soft softballs) after tonight's travesty, i mean game... i took myself out after the second inning cuz i felt the swelling cuz a ball travelling at least a gazillion miles per second (ok, seriously, at least 90 mph, very possibly higher cuz we think the team we played uses juiced bats that exceed the asa bat speed limit) hit the inner side of my right knee and it hurts oodles...

that was the first ball hit during the game... the second ball hit was just as hard and it hit my right hand and glove and bounced past the second baseman all the way to the right fielder, ouch... and the third ball hit struck my glove and bounced over the head of the second baseman into right field... yes, hard hit balls... the team we played was dangerously under-rated by asa softball classifications which made for a dangerous situation, especially for the pitcher...

so major pain for the body and the hope that the swelling and damage doesn't make walking too challenging tomorrow and the rest of the week cuz i've got another game to play (skipping the thursday game) sunday...

how are you? :)

soup is too salty

though low calorie, soup is way too salty to be a steady diet and the weight of fatigue and blood pressure (sensing it, not measuring it) is draining the body these days... as lack of full REM cycles is catching up with the aging brain and lack of sleep is catching up with the body and over-eating (even when dinner is soup and yogurt, back to one huge meal a day in the evening is not right) is weighing both down and raising the blood pressure to unhealthy levels (that's a sense-judgment as i don't make time to check the actual blood pressure these days for the same reason the place i live in is a wreck, no time... and that is both physically and psychologically uncomfortable so change the dang habits, fool)...

thank you for the good advice...

bloating up again

stupid is as stupid does and i am doesing stupid good these days, but though it very well may be a possible sign of suicidal tendencies and is most likely a cry for help, the end may not be about to be just yet, we hope... the weight cap is hopefully going to top out at 190 (instead of 220, which was the max cap for a while in this decade and in the eighties too, ironically, both decades i held professional office jobs and reduced sleep to ridiculously minimal levels and neglect myself in almost every way, a recipe for disaster, the death kind, so wake up and save yourself, myself, right?)...

ok, hopefully this is the wake up call... loneliness and feeling unloved and missing being cared about and all that poor-me stuff is placated by food... but if i do not really want to die, things will change again...

video game diet update

i stopped to play a video game that helped me focus on dropping the weight i piled on during a few years of imbalanced diet and when i returned to daily blogging more than ever, i find the past month has unfocused the balance i had achieved in the diet and have regained at least ten of the almost forty pounds i lost during the two or so months of what i semi-jokingly called the video game diet...

ironiculous

ridicuny?... yes, well, i am here... the game broke and i am here... i pigged out on pizza and chocolate and chips and the stuff i had not had in months this week, and i am here... i dropped 40 pounds as of last week and gained back 10 this week and i am here... ironic?... ridiculous?... silly me, making good progress, but what fun is progress without some slippage... three steps forward, two steps back, and one to the side... that's the ticket... the great news is i now consider 185 fat... imagine how out of touch i was when i was over 220... playing softball 4x a week... doing a bit of running... working way too many hours... eating mostly very healthy (in spite of the divergence of this week)... the body smiles, the mouth laughs, the happy medium is on the horizon... life is good, even though it's still lonely, it's very good... how about you? :)

circular motion

yeah, up and down, back to 192, back to 199.8, and round and round and round again... that was may... focus just was not there... maybe it was the disappointment in the people (softball teams, work colleagues, old friends, the human race, all the little things)... maybe it was the unresolved (uninvited?)... maybe it was (was?... isn't it still is-ing?... like now?) just boredom fueling the ambivalence that replaced the joyous optimism and hope and belief in love and life and pleasure and caring and sharing and peace and love (did i meantion love?) and happiness and romance and passion and idealism and beauty and promises and love (mustn't forget the love) and the dreams... maybe it's just getting old...

so why am i still giggling?

fall and rise

focus got me all the way down to 192 and then, unfocus got me back up to 199.2... not 200 thoughg, so maybe there's something to those famous last words i uttered here recently... so 190 by june 1st?... another crash end of month rally?... can't be too good for the heart and other vital organs, but madness runs in the brain... poor body, it is only a pawn in the brain's insane delusions and madcap adventures... if only it wasn't alone, aye?...

dropping weight

focused (fasting, hard core, maybe dangerous at this point in the life time line, but being me, it's what i do) and into the mid-nineties determined not to rise back above 200 again... famous last words or something prophetic or whatever, time will tell me and then i'll probably let you know too...

yeah, we shall see :)

could just die i suppose

then i'd lose lots of weight... ah, but the fact is, i actually stopped eating for the last three days of april and ended up 198 pounds when i stepped on the scale at a moment after midnight... suddenly, hunger is not as important as something else (and there's nothing else here)... and the taste buds are sleeping... and i was reading 213 on the scale just last week... must be crazy, no doubt...

insanity is fattening

some time a few weeks ago or longer than that i sort of made a committment to myself in front of another person who asked me to make the committment which makes is bigger than me and usually that matters to me cuz i have not yet completely given up on life and humanity and love and all that... so i told her that i would be under 200 pounds by may 1st and i'm still pigging out and actually rising... wow, aye?... my madness is intact and my taste buds love me...

face stuffing is a full time job

yeah, it is, you know it if you've ever done it... and delicious can be found everywhere, so unless i go nowhere and say no to everything, i continue to bloat enough to not drop under 200 pounds... but i've got a couple of weeks before the imaginary deadline and sort-of promise i made myself by telling someone else i agree to do it... and besides, the body feels much better not bloated, so why in the world would i continue trading a few minutes of oral ecstasy for twenty four hours of bloat each day... rhetorical, of course... get real...

fluctuations

the rise and fall of weight and motivation and mood and spirit and so on continues, especially the so on... dropping to 201 pounds and rising to 214 and back again, mostly because i am too tired and busy to want to discipline myself to actually drop the weight, but the semi-promise was made... under 200 by may 1... so i'll take it seriously any day now...

how why anyway

the good news is that i am somehow keeping in touch with the body just about weekly... the bad news is that the news from the body is only mediocre at best, though still is mostly like better than the norms for age gender and so on... goofing off too long, somebody kick me (in the physical space where it might do some good)...

whatever again

yeah, just mulling along rising and falling, but hey, dropping to 202 pounds this week... still fluctuating way too much to take it seriously... no motivation alone... if you see the one out there, tell her now would be a very good time to find me :}

alone, alas, alright

fatigue on the surface blows away with a good night of sleep, but the deep fatigue requires a few days, at least, of endless sleep and to truly rebuild the body at the cellular level and be reborn, it can take weeks of rest, real rest, which does not include any waking with an alarm clock or pushing the body or mind... i don't have time for that... and alone, alas, i take refuse in the hormonal comforts and escapes and releases that come from the chemicals in foods... i know what works for this body, but i over do it and keep an extra thirty pounds on the torso that produces even more fatigue, but on another level, slows everything down (which is exactly what i need)... so i will be alright, because instinctively i know what to do in these ridiculously workaholic times... a vacation would be sweet, a change of life would be best, but for now, the survival skills survive...

enough?

yeah, just keep swimming, but maybe i should have paused and thought about not eating the the second can of pineapple... burp.

just keep swimming

yeah, that's the ticket... just keep moving, that's the best i can do these days... the past week pushed the body to sleep deprivation because work had so much to be done and three nights were busy (two softball and one dinner) and so there was no gym time and no self-focus time and minimal writing time (which is a sign of over-business, if you know me) and so, the weight loss deal probably didn't make much progress but just keep swimming, just keep swimming, ya know...

and who's noticing, anyway? :}

ups and downs

the severity of change that would usually happen when i make a commitment to change habits and drop some serious weight has not happened, but some change is happening in spite of an extremely busy schedule that does not allow time for recovery/rest or other basic chores like routine laundry and house cleaning and so on... the lack of daily interaction with the only person with a healthy influence does not help at all as the hedonistic influences and habits are a powerful force, but we'll see if she cares enough to keep in touch enough to influence...

of course i know it is up to me to make changes in me for myself, but with no one to share the lifestyle, i don't feel like being even more isolated from people than i already am because of my different perspectives... the daily sharing is still with people who head to wing houses after games, for instance... and i just might would rather live fewer years with companionship than more years alone... deeper understanding into the current habits?...

yup... ups and downs...

promises, promises

did i promise?... did i challenge myself to a goal in front of a friend?... that does make it more binding, after all... yes, tonight i told someone who actually seems to care about me (this is the body talking) that i would drop weight to under 200 pounds by may 1... of course if i took it seriously, i'd probably go for 190 by may 1... just cuz i'm crazy like that and i do not like to restrict my hedonism for too long... the key to all this will be maintaining smaller portions and more balance and less binging on three pound bags of m&ms and decadent cakes with ten ounces of hot fudge and... hello?... oh, was i telling?... ok, so maybe tonight is the first night of a new adjustment to the lifestyle and a return of the physical sensuality beyond the taste buds and rush from foods... of course the real change will be the return of the abs and i didn't exzactly promise that, so there's still that huge seriousness to stop ignoring and brushing off with silly asides and goofy sarcasm and ridiculous rationalizations and insane excuses and delightful self-mockery... oh, blatant honesty is so much fun...

but seriously, i so appreciate the friend :)