apparently not listening

so the rest is not coming, the unpacking is slow, and the stumble in the soft sand let the high pop-up slam down on the left chest wall (better than the face, aye?) and now, after the emergency room ruled out a heart/lung crisis, costochondritis wherein the cartlidge between the ribs is inflammed, and even more specifically, tietze syndrome, where swelling spreads the pain, is a constant visitor (cuz it only hurts when i breathe)... from the er to the softball field (to pitch seven full innings and win) proved the er was right, but the pain, maria, but the pain... can i stop breathing for a while?... and moving?...

more than bloat

there is a numbness and a swelling in places, the hands, the right arm, the bruised areas, but also the muscles... bloat, yes, and overworked, but more (age?), not enough sleep for complete recovery... a few days off for sleep (and unpack, but that's another story) would be wise... listen to the body talk, body talk...

return to bloat

of course the horizon may be farther away that it appears, or than we want it to be, alas and all, as the old habits change ever so slowly (but change they do, even ever so slowly) and the body talks so rarely, so i reeport on it for it, sort of, from the skewed perspective of being blind to it much of the time... the body gets older, gets better, slides back, gets better, but yet, it is far from where it was even when it was just ok and far from where it wants to be (and may never be there again) and so compromise comes hard, but must come... anybody care? (i mean besides my body)...

semi-bloat

i can sometimes, in these wobegon days of yore, reach a point of semi-bloat if i remember to stop consuming the sensory staff of life for a week or so, which is what happened last week... and then, the weekend, and old habits revisted (along with the old roommates) and the bloat inches back... still, the turning may be on the horizon...

brutal heat

the heat over the weekend was brutal on me... he ran around and pitched out there in the blazing sun for hours on saturday and again on sunday and even with gallons of fluids i was drying up and feeling the heat and started cramping in all sorts of muscles when i finally sat down... even rib cage muscles... wow, i never cramped in rib cage muscles before, that was odd... hurt too, but stillness prevailed and i survived and i better get down to the gym more if i'm gonna keep playing softball this much... feels good after the rest :)

sometimes sleep

is all the body really needs...

not that the bloat goes away, but the pounding in the head does... no eating after six pm and sleep, that would be a good habit to get into... if only i would still not wanting to do that all by myself... shhhh, it's a wonderful morning, let's continue that :)

ya know, for a body, you've got a pretty good head :)

bloat me

so i slowed down the taste buds and cut back on portions and feel more bloated than ever (pattern continues) and i still wish there was someone outside of this body who cares as much as i do (and more, right now, cuz apathy is killing me - listen to your body talk).

bbbbloat

two days of eating a bit more sensibly (would have been four, or even five, but influences arrived to change the path) and yet, still feeling bloated... it is amazing what you do to me (says the body)... so uncomfortable... so undermining... so dumb...

yes, thank you body, i can use all the positive pep talks i can get, not that i listen, even to you... but hey, you've got your space to complain, suggest, vent, even fantasize about girls on treadmills... how come nobody uses the pool around here?...

one day at a time...

in this body

there is a distraction before me
a girl on a treadmill
fast walking, no running
i wonder if she runs
her buttocks is calling
not strongly, but loudly
i would like to hold her
i think it would be fun

and i wonder what would happen
if i told her i loved her
i have never met her
except to say hello
and to ask a simple question
what time does the pool close
she answered with a smile
it seems no one knows

her body was born when i was older than she is now
i wonder how much that matters to her, and how
i wonder if she'd be my friend
i wonder if she'd just pretend
to be polite... i wonder what she would allow
but i sit here now

writing my thoughts because my belly is bloated
this body is not ready for sharing today
how can i give comfort when i am uncomfortable
i am not ready to come out to play
one on one with a stranger today
but what has being ready got to do with anything
anyway

i came here to read your words and to respond
yet the physical world is distracting me
if her face was adorable i might overcome
the discomfort i feel in this body

so here i sit in the gym writing
instead of doing exercise
i can look in the mirror and see a fool
dying right before my eyes
if i laughed at him
would it come as a surprise?

she just walked out the door
while i sit in the kiddie room
ironic isn't it, well it is from here
the child inside meets doom
writing in the kiddie room
always wanted a toy box
to be my tomb

i came here to read your words and to respond
yet the physical world distracted me
but now the room is empty, everyone is gone
except the chatter of the tv
and the discomfort i feel
in this body

but still i feel hope
for at least i am still alive
in this body

body aches

it has ached better (have i?), but still it's better than it has been and yet it bloats from waist to fingers and muscles whisper what a fool i've been (yes, you have)... but only in the physical world (ummmm)... only in the physical world (where do you think i live, idjit?).

the right arm, especially what is called tennis elbow even though mine comes from pitching a softball close to a thousand times a week, is stiff... the legs, especially calves, are stiff from all the steps of the move (second floor to second floor)... and while the arms and legs beg for food, especially protein but also all the other food groups, the extra 20-30 pounds that is the belly remains an intruder slowing me down and getting in my way (obviously diet will not change this, nor the exercise of running and lifting and softball i do... it's gonna take (shudder) abs work... yes, abdominal exercise... sits ups, which used to be a favorite as a younger child and an ego boost as a teen (as i was confident i could do more sit-ups faster in one sitting than anyone at school, just as i was confident i could out-distance run anybody as well), the same sit-ups that are not the dread of dreads for this body when it comes to exercise... obviously, the body needs a good fit sex partner...

don'tcha just love my obvious solutions... obviouslies (eye roll, pppllleeasse:)

obviously not enough

Dear Brain,

Yes, playing softball twice a week is better than nothing, much better than nothing, actually (and hopefully it will be twice a week, though for the moment it looks like it might only be once a week, dammit), but it is obviously not enough. Do you hear me brain? I am slowly dying at a gradually increase rate with each lazy year and if you do not send signals to the legs to run more and to the other muscles to exercise more, I will be dead (and that just might be the end of you, for all we know). Besides, I will perform much better (and you will be much happier, especially your ego) if you get me in better shape.

Sincerely,
Your Body

bummer

Word came that one of the softball nights was cancelled due to not enough players for a new team. The word came that a second softball night only has five males signed up and needs at least another male and four females and so the second night might not have enough players for a new team and that will leave just one night. The third night team is set and I am trying to stay positive about it, but it would appear at first glance (based on the emails being exchanged) that the league is mostly college kids. Hopefully that will not be too alienating for me. Stay positive.

yay!

Signed up for three nights of softball each week starting at the end of June. The heat will be brutal, but the exercise will be life-saving (we hope) and the fun will be fun (we hope). Still need to be exercising with more regularity, but it is good when mind and body act together for the betterment of both.

and so it goes...

mind over body is real when it is real... actualization is a choice... focus is the key... belief is the answer... doing is the way... and the body says thank me...

stepping out

of the blue... an early morning run-walk from pathetic to poor, but movement none-the-less... so easy the mind forgets and then, the muscles forget... as if something changed, age, time, atrophy, entropy, whatever... still, regular vigorous movement is a good thing, even when pathetic... there is hope for better again...

almost every week

or so it seems... the story continues even when i am writing in retrospect from memory or fantasy or fictional prophesy... it only hurts when i laugh... or move... or sit still too long... and isn't that what i have been doing for years now?... or at least months?... mostly every day?... and that is time...

less sleep

just when i thought i could not cut sleep time down any further and still enjoy an active successful life, i am sleeping less than ever before in this life (who says such madness is for the young?... and who says i am old?)... and you tell me i, body, am bold, brazen, but also a fool on the edge of death due to living without sleeping...

and eating twice as much as i need, if i was sane, i'd ask for a lobotomy.

if i was crazy, i'd give myself one.

instead, i sit here wishing someone would come along and share the living beyond sleep deprivation and sensual stupor none have yet to share in this life... dreaming wide awake, drifing through the starry starry night like a comet, acting as if i will never burn out.

body talks, who listens?

more bloat

as if suicide is painless and the bloat did not keep me lonely because i will not lay with one as pathetically self-abusive as myself, i eat another plate at yet another all-you-can-eat buffet... waiting for someone to save me or waiting to die, whichever comes first... of course i can save myself, but just once i'd like to let someone else do it cuz i've never known what that felt like...

what happens when i run out of candles?

off in Nashville for work for a few days, the body loved the clean soft comfy private environment of the two room suite and most of all, the clean lack of clutter (the body lives in a messy cluttered obstacle course at home, mostly because searching for a new roommate is a pain)... very little sleep as wake up calls came at 6am and the brain is a night owl, in case you did not know that... yesterday a nap, but stayed up all night and then went to play softball this morning and just returned... concert in a few hours... body tired... feels good, but still tired and ridiculously out of shape... the hamstring is improving and trotting is happening, but no runing yet... maybe the gym?...

yes, still burning candles at both ends and the middle...

suicide comes in many flavours

maybe it's loneliness... maybe it's self-pity... maybe it's boredom... maybe it's self-destruction... maybe it's just giving up on people and therein, giving up on self... maybe it's fear of intimacy... maybe it's that insatiable tongue covered with insatiable taste buds that crave more and more of the ever changing myriad of flavours that entice and produce drugs, yes, drugs that stimulate, vigorate, titillate, and catalate all sorts of feel-good chemicals in the brain...

naaaa, wouldn't be that...

piggish complacency

there seems no end to this madness of piggish complacency, the oral fixation seduces me again and again and and taste bud orgasms multiply and the waistline expands, four inches, five inches, will there be no end to this growth?... will the body survive?... which will win, gluttony or death or some motivation to remember how good the body can feel when it is at it's peak condition?... the questions pass the time... the hands pass the cookies to the mouth... and laughter seems sick, yet it comes anyway...

out of touch, out of mind

In this physical life, when the touch is forgotten, can death be far behind?

frustration sucks

when the body has been neglected for a while and then can not do what it needs to do to un-neglect itself, it gets quite frustrated... and alone, it gets even more frustrated... and frustration sucks...

Happy VD

Damn, a muscle tear hurts. Wish I could say it was overzealous love-making, or even wild mindless sex, but it was stutter-stepping between first and second in the softball game. Damn, damn, damn, just when I was starting to move around and feel like the athelete was not dead yet, a major set-back. Now it's rest, but will I?

Yeah, Happy Love-Day.

what a waste

Or is there some purpose to this time? (speaketh the body). The blood pressure medication stopped and the ringing in the ear is louder than ever which means the blood pressure is up and the fat fuck living in my just keeps stuffing his greedy mouth with more chocolates and fat-making shit and though he's keeping me so busy I am hardly sleeping, he doesn't find time or motivation or caring to take me out for a run. He even signs up to do it and we are a no-show. Idiot. Maybe we'll get to the next one.

Who cares.

bloat floats

yo yo yo dog, now digit, bloat floats...

as long as you don't burp or fart too much...

wouldn't want to sink down too low, right...

ridiculoso

this is the body... this is the body thinking... this is the body thinking aloud... i am happy the blood pressure medicine stopped, i did not like it. it made my kidneys and liver feel bad. i would rather have high blood pressure than hurting kidneys and liver. i should lose weight though, because the blood pressure goes down when i do. i don't want to die yet. but i eat and live like i do. burp.

vegetation

vegetation is even worse, and yet, there can be joy, even in mudville... it is just not experienced as fully or physically as it could be if all the senses and synapses vertebra and were lined up and in optimal shape...

neglect

neglect is a sad experience...

no gym for a week

but I survived and returnbed to a healthier diet and stabalized the upheaval that had me wondering if I was going to survive the weekend... I survived, hold the applause.

yup

"I record for myself, but publish in the hope someone might touch the words, share the thoughts, and want to know me," says the body too (and I scream, "COPYCAT! and we giggle to ourselves cuz no one else comes around)... how silent is the lonely heartbeat's sound...

meanwhile, when the first number goes over 200 it is very bad, even if the second number stays under 100 and the other number stays under 50...

what are we?

(the body is into riddles too)...

losing touch, who cares

seems I've lost interest in record keeping when it comes to the body (not listening to the body?... how foolishly suicidal can it get?... so typically human, trying to fit it?... naaa, just laziness and apathy and self-pity {nobody cares, why should I?} and all-around sluggishness), but the good news is I have not completely abandoned the gym and even after binging on pizza and snacks for three consecutive days and hitting the gym only twice a week for two weeks, the weight only rose a couple of pounds and remains relatively stable...

Still, stop the foolishness and return to body talk before the body ceases to talk and the opportunity to care is gone.

Good idea :)

without the body

I am not sure I could keep in touch with you...

and I wonder if that matters at all.

rambling in the moment

in the news of the body, weight remains stable after three days of much less restrictive eating, which is a good sign... and now I start the strict eating for a few days to drop another few pounds and hopefully the process will continue to work... this is the first week I have had no word (or anything else) from the kidneys, which is better than previous weeks and hopefully a sign that they are f8inally close to cleaned out and adjusting to the new energy and food processing levels... I'll give the doctor a call in a few days cuz she should have the results of the lab tests she ordered by then and we shall see how the sugar and carb restrictions effected the lab levels... if they're substantially improved, maybe I'll treat myself to my own ultra-decadent kind of mac 'n cheese... ice cream, chocolate, and any other sweets shall wait another couple of months until the weight is in what I know is my healthy range...

I feel the drag as I consider taking a night off from the gym cuz the muscles could benefit from rest, and then I feel the please stop and let me rest tonight please from the muscles for the first five or ten minutes at the gym, but then I feel the better feeling after I turn it up and spend 70+ minutes on the Lifecycle... kind of like how it was when I used to run, but the voices to stop are louder cuz they've had power for so long and the muscles aren't exactly as young as they used to be...

so I am continuing to roll through the daily cycle of pushing the body and rebuilding muscles and starting to feel the recycle, a longer wavelength or time period of changes that bring me back to being centered, being me... it's been a long time since I actually lived there, but the memory is becoming clearer with each step... day after day, alone on the hill...

today

if I died today, would anybody notice?

when?

and the smoke witch says wazoo

or something like that... skipping the gym for a couple or few nights, (or more?), and returning with a semi-bang... tight panting with best kick yet, though up a couple of pounds even after a two 52+ hour fast (due to pasta and the starvation reaction, most likely), but close to best times/speed for an hour... just missed 8mph average for the full hour... the eyes of agism gives me a look of are you crazy or just suicidal?... and as I will do until the bitter end, I smile, even if it's with a slight grimace... overall improvement noted, however with greater clarity comes a better view of the load road ahead... continue...

slipped a bit

this week has not been focused, what with a few slips and some despair sliding into the mix, eating away at the determination... hopefully I'll get back on track tomorrow and stay there a while... it's stupid to let the feeling that nobody cares interfere with my caring, after all... listen to the body.

so anyway...

I was rolling along at a good pace for a month and along came tonight and the relatively constant influences of the unhealthy habits around me waking me and catching me at my most vulnerable. It genuinely sucks to have no real support against the forces of the unhealthy. All by myself, la la la. One day lost at the last moment, tomorrow is another chance to get back on the healthy path. Do it.

forgetting this blog

Forgetting this blog exists does not help share the experience of rebirth I soon hope to experience, but then, I may be the only one caring to be reading at the moment, for a while, or ever. The hope that the words will be worth something to someone somewhere someday continues to breath beneath the self-satisfied uploading I do, but in the end, I do this for myself too. The good news is the body is feeling better, healing, and I continue to improve workouts at the gym nightly. I rarely forget wishing someone was sharing the journey, but I am happy that I am improving my ability to experience the journey through this life again. Even if I forget to come here to record the details every day.

oh previous post, how appropriate named

yes, for just days after the euphoria of the maxed out workout, I threw the body a curve the next day with a radical shift in diet, namely pizza and then soy, and the soy may have been old and spoiled... so found myself tied up in knots by built-in body flaws, namely, the kidneys... regulating temperature and filtering out waste and not handling excessive protein well (talk about people in glass houses not throwing stones, my kidneys are glass houses that do)... a little sediment... a little blood... a UTI hurts and takes time to run it's course... this is day three... and yet, I still am getting to the gym every night... just cuz I'm crazy like that... long may I be crazy...

pendulum swings

Last night, after 2 hours on the Lifecycle at over 6mph (details in the log), I felt almost elevated to another plane. Today, after pigging out on more than 2000 calories of meat and cheese (and a bit of bread in the form of pizza), I feel the weight of the wet blanket of bloat again. To recover, another insane workout is required tonight, which may be foolish for the heart and body. So do I accept a slide backwards immediately after a great leap forward because that is safe and wise... or do I risk death or injury because I over-indulged my taste buds today. No question mark, it's a statement to myself. A kick in the head. And only time will tell if I survive this latest extreme pendulum swing.

last night was day eleven

I have been, in a much less formatted form, keeping notes and recording stats about the gym work. I am not sure just what I inteded to do here, keep it brief, find something meaningful, keep track of the re-building of this body I inhabit... but then, nothing happened here. Words are so transient, like everything else. What may seem profound one day is utter nonsense the next. The best we can do is continue sharing what feels real. And is anyone reading, listening, hearing, caring? Or is all this just for me. Why put it out here then. Maybe just to laugh at myself as I am doing right now. The good news is eleven consecutive days of pushing aerobic exercise is happening with continued gradual improvement. Yay. Maybe I'll have more to say next time.

stepping it up

slowly, gradually, but doing it... just when the mind gets depressed (and/or stupid) enough to think they body is old and the peak physical experiences for this life may be over and death is knocking, a few trips to the gym reminds me that old is relative and peak physical experiences are just an hour away on the lifecycle, treadmill, or track... and that's where we are tonight, yay.

bouncing back

two consecutive nights back at the gym and I am thinking... maybe I am not quite so mostly dead (or old) as I thought... I shall sleep on that thought as the smile that inspired it widdened as I thought it... g'nite :)

aging

I suppose it happens to all bodies, but it seems to happen to other people a lot faster than me... maybe because I was running marathons for a while, but I think it is more a perspective, an attitude, and in many ways, a choice... on the other hand, I've lived a live-fast, die young kind of life and while I am rather inactive these days, for about seven years I partied hard putting poisons in this body in mass quantities... it could be that, even though I stopped the poisons and have maintained the energy level of a child well into adulthood, that the this body might suddenly hit a wall and crash because it can not survive the energy level I produce in my mind... so I wonder if I should low down and if so, when...

in recent years I've noticed that the recovery process after exercise slows with each passing year... it does not help that I've been inconsitently exercising, going for months without any... it does not help that I still indulge my taste buds to high caloric, high carb, high sugar, and sometimes high-fat meals (in extremely large portions) as if I was still exercising daily and had the metabolism I had in years past... metabolism is definitely slowing, but I wonder how much is due to time, and how much is due to lack of exercise...

I shall hopefully have the answers to these questions in the next weeks and months as I embark on another renewal of daily exercise (any day now) and fewer eating binges... smaller portions, several meals a day (instead of one or two), less fat and carbs (mostly it's pizza and cheesy pastas, ice cream, Code Red, and chocolate), and more active exercise... yeah, that's the ticket (though I'm not sure to where... but I'm on my way... again :)

maintaining is the hardest part

ok, so we shall see if this new adventure in keeping in touch with this body I inhabit will continue for more than one entry... ultimately, the purpose here is to fry the fat out of my brain (and body) and leave clarity (and fitness)... of course and semantic genius can tell you that the difference between fitness and fatness is a simple typo, but be that as it may be or not to be, we begin...

four days, hardly any food... if I exercise, I may survive... we shall see...