stop it, life

well, to be more precised, it's stop it, worklife cuz the worklife is killing the foot... the most challenging day yet thanks to problems ignored... i am the clean up guy, but today there were a few messes i simply could not clean up and the foot had nothing to do with it... on my feet much much more than any day since the ouch started and exhaustion almost overrides the numb bomb set to go off when i remove the boot tonight... maybe i will fall asleep first... and somehow i must feel up to a shower tonight or early tomorrow morning... and i may miss the doctor's appointment in the morning if it was tomorrow morning cuz i complete forgot which day the appointment is and i did not get a reminder this time and the work from today spilled over so i must be there to hold hands in the morning... dang foot doesn't like the idea... but whatever, all i can do is rest rest rest... right, whatever...

this week is the best yet for the foot, though it still hurts too much to put full pressure on it and i still cannot move the foot without major pain (signs of the ligament damage)... the plantar facia is almost definitely ruptured, which is not good news... i hope the last four and a half weeks didn't slow the healing process or do more damage, but probably not... i did the damage myself by playing another game and a half, pitching, batting, and running on the foot... dummy... not going to the doctor right away, accepting a PA's diagnosis after telling the PA what i did (continued playing for a while) lead the PA to misdiagnose on multiple levels... alas, the bottom line is i immobilized the foot and have not walked on it since getting the boot two days after the injury, which is right treatment for a ruptured pf (hey, i wonder if that's where pf flyers got their name), so maybe no excess damage done...

still hurts and takes a long time to heal...

the continued swelling makes sense too... and the top of the foot ligaments are definitely torn too and the same treatment, immobilization, so again, just time, time time... and we already have the diagnosis of the fracture of the base of the tibia, so that stinging pain now and then there shouldn't surprise me... i've got to figure out how to speed up the ligament damage though... linseed (flax)... and rest... dangit...

improvement

yeah, i have been fooled by improvement before so i am not jumping up and down with excitement... yeah, i noticed my choice of words and weak attempt at humor... the good news is that the foot is not throbbing as painful in the evening and i did not elevate as much today and i am not hurting as much when i out a little pressure on it, though very little... healing might actually be happening... a little... there is still throbbing though... and the calf and achilles tendon atrophy is starting to hurt a bit more... and the swelling returns when i stand or lower the foot, but not as much, i think... but maybe... stay positive... so maybe i am crossing over the halfway point (that's depressing from a time line perspective) and... one day at a time...

much better without the walking

though i didn't eat anything but nuts today... i can afford to lose weight, but the foot needs protein and balance... taking vitamins and a few supplements... out of walnuts though and fish oil doesn't have the right fatty acid and the omega-3 hasn't arrived yet... and i still have the weeks work clothes in the laundry in the dryer... and i didn't take a shower... but the foot is much better when i do not walk on it and when i do not try to hop around the house a lot... the healing continues... minimal swelling too... the diagnosis is confirmed more with each passing day... no rhoids, that's good news... wish there was something other than rest and wait i can do... even exercising other body parts makes the foot hurt more as the blood pressure and pulse rising makes it throb and it is not easy to not move the foot muscles at all when trying to push other muscles no matter what the exercise... dealing with the frustration and impatience as well as i am able... writing it out helps... and that's the body thoughts for today...

again, too much walking

just around the house, dangit... too much pressure on the foot and the pain is clearer than ever... bottom of the tibia where the fracture is... and the plantar fascia is definitely ruptured... and the top of the midfoot pain remain pointing to a stable lisfranc injury, non-displaced since they saw no bone fractures or displacements, some of the ligaments must be torn... and the only cure is staying off the foot and letting the ligaments heal and that can take months... so all the attempted walking i am doing is not helping... that is not good news (should i wait for a doctor to tell me or just be intelligent)...

who am i asking, anyway?

water not boarding

so as i was saying (elsewhere), i miss daily showers... and i don't remember often enough, but as a kid and teen and young adult i would take at least two showers a day, often more... hot steamy showers and icy cold showers... water, especially hot steamy shower water, was one of my best friends... for the skin stimulation and for the manipulation of body temperature... it was meditation, exercise, all sorts of other intangibles and reminded me of how focused i can be in the physical world when i wanted to be... saunas and hot tubs and icy pools took the place of showers for a while, but these days, sigh, alas, sigh...

it has been some time since i had that cuz the hot water here is maybe 110 degrees, maybe less or a little more cuz i can turn on all hot and step into it, slowly, but still don't need to gradually raise the temp as i did when i was younger and even after standing under the all hot for ten minutes the skin is not even close the bright red almost burn that i used to push to back then... but at least i still take daily showers... most days...

i have been skipping a day or even two in showers cuz of the foot and finally took a shower and though the foot misses the boot and is more swollen and throbbing (though not as bad as it has been, though that could be the aspirins too), the clean feels so good... so very good...

i have forgotten the face of my father (metaphorically speaking as i never knew my father, but that's another story)... i hope i remember to take advantage of both feet when they are both working again... i don't have to live like a refugee, after all :)

physical focus

everything is so very physical, the body, that is, self-focused, distracted, it is a real pain in the neck... no really, i mean the pain in the neck is very distracting... and some headaches and here i go wondering again if it is posture (the reminder from my youth to get the spine and therein my head straight was the stiff neck, after all) or maybe the blood pressure is playing some role and leaving me what may rudely be called a sophie's choice (as if anything can be that bad), die from high blood pressure or die from the medications the medical profession use to try to control high blood pressure...

and then there's the foot... rough day, but hopefully still healing... more hopefully healing right and not getting permanently damaged by the walking i have to do... some of the people at work are amazing in their lack of compassion and unwillingness to help as they watch me struggle to carry papers or hold open doors while on crutches... tomorrow should be fun as i have a few hours of meetings with the most inconsiderate folk of all who enjoy pouncing on weakness and making others feel like crap, what a life... luckily they don't affect me much anymore, but the foot won't make it any easier...

there are body thoughts?... well, sorta... heal already, dammit! :}

too much walking

especially too much walking without the boot... happiness just woke me again to go outside... so much for sleeping in and getting the rest the foot needs... frustrated... i just don't feel like going through the whole process of putting on a sock (which is painful and i've got to wash socks today) and then putting on the boot just to go to the bathroom, kitchen, or the lawn for happiness... but a dozen trips to the kitchen, a half dozen trips to the bathroom, and a half dozen trips to the lawn have taken a toll... i didn't even get into the shower or do laundry and have to find the foot strength for both, dangit... i love him, but happiness was challenging and took more foot than intended... he just doesn't wait, bolts out the door (gave me a couple of painful rope burns earlier this year) and can pull me over if i am not ready and really stable on the crutches and this morning he caught me off guard and pulled the leash out of my hands before i could negotiate the newspaper sitting right in the doorway... he can also get out of his collar... i had to yell at him to come back and i definitely put too much pressure on the foot... i feel bad cuz he needs exercisse... but the foot... hopefully it's not too much of a set back for the foot... the extreme throbbing is back, as is swelling... the pain has been a lot worse though... it just hurts a lot, not the max extreme... but enough to want no more walking on it today... still need to shower and do laundry and eat though, so maybe for a six or eight hour, at least though... if i take happiness out again i'll put on a dirty sock and the boot... need more sleep but happiness and the foot say no... alas, the weekend was supposed to be rest...

stay positive

left the boot off all day and no extreme pain... put pressure on the foot, mostly the outside and heel, for at least a hundred baby steps today and no extreme pain... elevated most of the time sitting, but when the foot is lowered, no extreme throbbing or pain... still pain, still throbbing, but the extreme i am not getting up anymore pain has not returned today... three weeks...

the bones may be knitting, but more importantly, the muscles, tendons, and ligaments that were damaged may finally be healing enough to no send the extreme pain signals at the slightest moment, at even the change in blood pressure... not moving the foot though, movement still shoots seering pain through the damaged areas... and the swelling still comes and goes... but staying positive with the progress... definitely progress...

skipping, days, that is

definitely not skipping yet, but... though (drumroll) i did actually walk a few steps without crutches with the boot on snug... no screaming pain, no screaming throbbing afterwards... just numb throbbing, which is hopefully an improvement... the roller coaster of a day better and the next day worse has been rolling for almost three full weeks now, but hope springs eternal that this better will be the turning point where the better days start outnumbering the worse days... a weekend of rest and major improvement, we hope... i mean, you hope too, right? (no really, thanks for caring :)

yeah, so i skipped yesterday... the doctor visit and all, nothing important for the body to talk about, right?... ok, ok, so the ortho-surgeon agreed with me the the pa mis-read the xray and the fracture at thebottom of the tibia is new... the treatment doesn't change, just take more care walking and moving the ankle... meanwhile, the foot is torn up... most likely exactly what the books told me, but the only way to try to be more certain is to mri and catscan and that's way expensive and won't change the treatment cuz elective surgery is even more expensive (and not covered at all by insurance) so i passed on the magnets and more xrays for now... if there is no improvement in ten days, i will reconsider...

the foot saga goes on :}

freeeek dang dodo foot

hey, it's more creative and for me, more expressive than fucking foot, but it's along the same lines, i suppose... the pain in the front of the arch, just behind the ball, that's the puzzler... bone that didn't show up well on the xray?... ligaments?... something applied a lot of pressure on the arch of the sneaker i was wearing... thought it might have been a sudden hematoma or hemorrhage ... so i got to reading to refresh my memory of the names of the stuff in the foot... i may have torn the flexor hallucis longus at the sesamoid bone at the first metatarsal phalangeal joint... also the anterior talo-fibular ligament... and the birfucated ligament... maybe the extensor digitorium longus... so the primary pain is at the plantar first metatarsal phalangeal and dorsal fourth metatarsal phalangeal and the general are of the talonavicular joint... tomorrow i find out what the doctor has to say...

guess my foot can say a mouthful, huh?...

good days, bad days

whatever good and bad might mean... tolerable pain, totally distracting pain, there's a better title... so i recall feeling optimistic some time late on sunday after resting the entire weekend and then after laying down, there was an increase in the pain enough to keep me awake, but somehow i fell asleep and then yesterday it was moderate most of the day and then, swelling returned when i got home and pain rose enough after dark for me to still be awake after midnight and i reached for aspirins somewhere later and woke every hour... works then kept me on my feet way more than any day since the injury, so the foot is puffing up and kinda throbbing numb... hopefully it doesn't lose it's numb too soon... dang foot...

never a straight line

life, that is... and healing too... for most of the day i felt really good about the healing as i was able to shower and cook (re-heat, but still hopping around for longer than i have in two weeks, and after showering in the morning, no less... and then i napped an hour and woke about an hour ago and stood up to hop to the bathroom and the foot said no... the rush of blood to the foot was back to the seering throbbing pain that it has been since the twist and so, i stayed here... maybe it is just an adjustment i did not make that i made the previous times. putting the foot down and letting the blood flow into it and massaging a bit and letting it get used to the blood flow and maybe it'll be better if i did that... i will try that later perhaps... it could also be that the aspirins are wearing off more and the unmasked pain remains, which would suggest more injury than the pa diagnosed, which would be frustrating especially since i am the one choosing to wait the sixteen days before actually seeing the doctor... shhhhh, one day (and step) at a time... i shall attempt movement now...

and some improvement, but still no way i am putting any weight on it... i messed this foot up good it seems... screw me... the swelling is still not gone (nor is the bruising which covers the whole foot, top and bottom), and the hot spots at the ball, the outside, and the outside connection between the ankle and foot... major pain trying to move or apply pressure in those three spots... the skin on the foot is getting better thanks to the cortisone cream i put on it before sticking it in the boot for a few days... other body parts are starting to complain as well, the hands and underarms from the crutches... the butt from sitting on it (needed to put some cortisone on the butt, yeah, diaper rash without a diaper... sitting on the butt too much and skipping showers... tmi?... hey, this is body thoughts, get used to it cuz the body is only going to continue deteriorating until it dies, that's life)... i wonder if the cortisone will affect the foot or any other part of me... maybe i'll look it up...

not so much fancy free

a bit less pain to start this weekend when compared to last weekend considering i think the last aspirins i took may have been thursday evening but may have been friday mid-day too, it is now at least 24 hours and pushed a bit last night and i just showered (which is a major push and challenge on one foot and requires at least some support from the other foot, even it is just 10% weight bearing for brief moments as i pivot and get in and out of the tub... now there is the benefit of the flat bottom walk-in shower stall, aye?... though most are slippery-er and i'd probably use a towel on the floor which would tangle up as i turned pivoting on one foot and, well, i am making due with a tub so nevermind) and the good foot is aching a bit (ever try standing on one foot, hopping, pivoting on a slippery surface, and walking for half an hour or longer without sitting to rest?... thank goodness i don't have vertigo... go ahead try it for five minutes and see what i mean... don't forget the pivoting and hopping, at least a dozen of each, i mean, just to get a brief feel of the experience cuz you are an insatiably curious child and really want to know which is why you follow me around through all these many dozens of blog, right?... or is that me? :)

anyway, gonna rest a bit now before dressing and considering what to do this weekend... hope your body is enjoying your weekend more than mine, but whatever you do, make it fun too :)

footless

kinda wish i was tonight... not really, but... ok, so i have not moved the foot since the last entry and feeling all isolated and lonely with nobody to talk to tonight and feeling all lame cuz the foot really hurt the last time i moved it and sitting here is getting more challenging cuz the bladder wants to empty and you really wanted to know all this, right?... body thoughts, remember?...

yeah, well ok, so i paused a moment and stood up and grabbed the crutches and took a half a step and nope, not walking any more tonight... sitting immobile again... neck stiff... ear ringing... stomach grumbling... hungry, achy, tired in so many ways, lonely, no wonder people give up and die in these bodies... life gets so old when nobody wants to come out to play anymore...

i'd rather be dancing...

when the first stop is here

it's either very good or... seriously not good... the foot is throbbing enough to immobilize me... here i shall sit until morning, pee bottle next to the chair... work had to be done... it was a very good day, amazing if you know, but not so much for the foot... today was a day that tested the foot seriously, i put more weight on it than i have since the day of the injury, walked more since the day of the injury (and it wasn't that much) and the swelling and pain is back with a vengeance now that i finally put it up... more aspirins please... sheesh...

freakin foot

i gave in and took four aspirins some time during the late morning because i was not gonna work well without them cuz of the distraction... and now i am not sleeping at the moment because of the same distraction... about 80 hours without any pain medication tells me the injury is more foot than ankle and it will not be healing in a week or two, dammit... i did not move the doctor's appointment up, even if i should have, and am still taking it day by day... it does not appear to be getting worse... the swelling is way down, though still present throughout the foot and ankle and a bit of the lower leg... the pain is localized (when off pain meds) to the outer (anterior) center foot (bone or connective tissue) and the outer (left front) foot/ankle connection (connective tissue) the rear right space in front of the heel (two chips off the tibia) and just behind the ball (bone or soft tissue, i had immediate bubble swelling there after the twist so i either popped a blood vessel or disclocated a foot bone, either way it seems the pressure of continuing to run on the foot for another hour and a half after the injury reset or pressed out the bubble)... also dealing with more muscle cramping aching from the inactivity and the redistribution of muscle use...

feel free to sympathize and if you are a really tolerant understanding infinitely patient nurse, feel free to come over and wipe my brow now and then... an occasional hug/cuddle wouldn't hurt much either...

sheeesh...

foot on the brain

so i am pretty certain it is a foot injury as the ankle is a little sore, but the foot in a couple of spots rages burns and stabs quite severely enough to prevent sleep and walking... i got home today and was able to move around enough to take happiness out to the front lawn for a pee and get food from the fridge... after sitting and eating, the throbbing began again... movement helps, but it does not stop the stabbing pain in one spot in particular and when the throbbing starts it is two or three spots consistently, so whatever damage was done was specific to those spots...

also some muscle cramping after i got home... from walking very differently perhaps... and possible from pain drug withdrawals (just daily aspirins and three hydrocodone tabs, so maybe not)... or perhaps it's diet as i did not eat or drink all day... need to figure out how to get food and drink to the office... very challenging to deal with a leg cramp when foot immobility is vital to lowering pain... swelling is down a lot, wish the pain was...

just updating in case i forget, perhaps, or maybe posterity will want to know... just disclaiming in case someone actually reads this and wonders why... just wondering why myself... just a little lonely tonight i guess... focus is weak... foot on the brain is very distracting... foot pain is very isolating...

hello? :}

double vision

not as fun as i might have thought... the eyes will not naturally, without a lot of conscious effort, line up bilaterally to give the brain one image to process... i see two images and either select one eye to follow or consciously must force both eyes to line up to provide a clear single image... it is easier to do ten or more feet away than it is a foot or few away so typing and reading the computer screen is a moment to moment challenge... this does not bode well for work tomorrow and this week as without the pain med the foot pain was seriously distracting...

more pain

mine is not to know just why, mine is just to feel this pain increasing daily to a point where i caved into my resistance to using drugs (mostly because the drugs i would choose are not what the medical profession offers and i believe the drugs the medical profession offers are usually not good for my body... like the hydrocodone with acetaminophen this woman (receptionist, perhaps nurse, but i doubt it) called into a pharmacy on the authorization of a physician's assistant who misread my xrays and didn't really examine my foot, which, as i've been reading, is par for the course for ankle injuries... i will call the doctor's office and ask to move my two-week follow-up appointment up a week on monday...

maybe taking four 325mg aspirins masked the pain (one reason i do not like )so well i did not take it seriously enough to insist on seeing a doctor right away cuz i was basically putting pressure on the heel in and out of the boot and gently manipulating the ankle and foot to reduce swelling, increase circulation, and expedite healing on my own since the pa said nothing was seriously wrong and i should start moving and walking on it when i could without pain...

yesterday around noon i stopped the aspirins mostly because nsaids raise blood pressure and because i started feeling the slight burn in my stomach that can be a sign of bleeding from too much aspirin... by yesterday evening the foot was more painful than it has been since the first twist/break and it's been getting progressively worse... so i called for meds and my roommate was able to pick up hyrocodone, only the most abused narcotic in this country, without me even being there... 30 tabs, $5, by phone, by proxy...

i took one three hours ago... minimal effect... script says every 4-6 hours... i will take another one in a few... the problem is it is combined with acetaminophen and contrary to modern pop-medical opinions and commercial sales pitches, that is not good for the liver or kidneys and i do not have the best liver or kidneys... so i am forced to take a medication i do not want or take no medication, at least until i see the doctor... hopefully the pain will not continue getting worse... as if i did not know, but next time, no getting triaged, i ask for a doctor and get a doctor... i was just hoping it was not serious and maybe it isn't but this pain is...

puzzling pain

ok, so there are times when i can put full body weight on the heel (as long as i am not moving the rest of the foot) and actually walk a few steps without pain (unless that is just the aspirins, which is all i've been taking so far, about 12 a day until today) and there are times when no matter what, there is throbbing pain - no movement at all, elevated or down (more down), throbbing totally distracting pain...

and then there is the boot... at times the boot immobilization-by-pressure reduces the pain and allows me to walk a few steps with out crutches or support without pain, but after a while for some reason (reducing circulation or overheating perhaps), the same totally distracting pain... and then taking off the boot and pressing the foot gently on the floor (stimulating circulation and muscle movement) feels much better after hurting at first... so maybe it does have something to do with temperature, too chilled and there is pain with every twitch so immobilization is needed... or perhaps it's just too many twitches... too warm and/or too little movement (immobilized in the boot) and evelated too long (limited circulation) and there is pain... must find a balance...

of course it could just be the meds... more aspirins... call doctor tomorrow for something stronger since aspirins are going to eat my stomach... of course something stronger might eat my liver and kidneys just as much... the body is not happy... how are you?...

damn the pain, full speed ahead

ok, so not quite full speed... in fact, not even a slow walk... still at a very wobbly hobble, actually, but we definitely have damn the pain right... the ten steps to the bathroom turn into twenty mini-hops on the crutches, each way, followed by a half hour of throbbing until the foot returns to it's semi-numb, semi-on fire state... then there are the rest of the muscles starting to ache because they are compensating for the foot... and then there are stiffness aches in the legs from lack of movement... and did i mention the stomach ache from the too many aspirins?... sheesh, how about the headache from, who knows what?... and i probably should eat some prunes soon too, daily, even...

i am so not having fun...

ok, so this is the most challenging challenge the body has had in quite some time... i never had a leg/foot injury before (though there was the hamstring a few years ago, but i continued playing softball with that one, just hobbled along until it got better... ankles appear to be much more necessary for ambulation), considering i've been running and playing ball for so many years, a lifetime... still, a lifetime of no injuries doesn't make this one hurt less and definitely does not make getting around any easier... not sure how i am getting to work and from the car to my office (and back) tomorrow, but it's the plan...

ankle results

ok, the results are in, sort of... i saw sort of because the x-rays were read by a PA, not an MD or orthopedist or radiologist, and there is obvious broken fragments on the x-ray that the PA says were old... there was no pain prior, so how can it be old... i think he assumed i am like most people my age, sedentary, and would not notice...

so i have a bad sprain, either a grade 2 or 3 (can't tell until the swelling goes down and it really doesn't matter cuz the only difference in treatment is the grade 3 hurts more and takes longer to heal... grade 2 is a partial tear in the ligaments holding the ankle together and a grade three is a complete tear, the latter needing more support (cast/boot) for longer... and as i mentioned above, there are also a couple of bone chips off the bottom tip of the tibia... same treatment, immobilize... of course rich people and pro athletes would have had surgery already and be re-habed in a couple of weeks... i hope to be not much longer than that cuz i am too stubborn to sit for long and i want to get back to playing softball and running, but realistically i may be wearing this expensive boot for a few weeks (everybody says longer, i say wait and see)...

the swelling may have finally stopped, maybe, except when i walk on it or stand a while... driving a clutch in a boot is gonna be interesting tomorrow... life goes on, especially work...

sucks and hurts a lot, but sucks more... i have five softball teams scrambling for a pitcher now and i lose the time and factor in body age, that sucks sucks sucks more... stupid new reebok sneaker (poor support, slightly off-center base) and a wet poorly groomed surface caused it, but then, i chose to put that sneaker on and run recklessly on the wet surface...

sucks sucks sucks...

:}

so how's your body? :)

too much information

the internet provides way too much information... so yesterday i was aching and concerned, but taking my time and icing and elevating and monitoring... that's pretty much 90% of what a doctor will do, having worked emergency rooms where i treated many sprained ankles and lots of other much more serious injuries... and then i start refreshing my memory and and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and maybe too much reading... so today there is no weight on the ankle at all and i am considering the doctor tomorrow... but i don't want to go to the doctor... if i even had one... it's not a fear of doctors, it's the black hole money pit that is the medical system i do not want to enter... so now i am torn... i mean, how could the ankle or foot be broken if i played a game and a half, pitching, running to first a few times, and walking around for more than two hours after twisting the ankle?... makes no sense... it's just the swelling and aftermath pain of a grade 1 sprain, right?... or a grade two, but that would be a longer healing time and i don't want that... no more, please...

ok, in the morning i will consider if a trip to a doctor is worth it... body thoughts suck sometimes...

did i just break my ankle?

well, that was the initial body thought after turning the ankle about 90 degrees thanks to a crappy field condition while running to first... a slippery spot just before reaching first base is about as stupid as grounds keeping can get, but stupider is running into it just to try to beat out a ground ball... so i played the rest of the game with increasing pain and then played the second game of the double header and had to run to first every time i was up cuz my swing was way off cuz i could not put pressure on my left foot... pitching wasn't easy either since, well, most things in sports require two feet for planting, pivoting, and pushing off... so i played on one foot as much as possible...

i did not play in the third game scheduled for three hours later, and the foot does not want to be walked on at all now, five hours after that... major swelling and pain... i will decided whether i want to spend money on doctors and xrays tomorrow... i've seen enough ankle sprains to know they can be even more painful and visually gruesome than a foot bone break, but i wanna play friday so it better get well fast...

yeah, but i don't just vege ya know

i mean, just to be fair and balanced in this record of the body experience (the body wants more, but it is honest too), and the body tells me that i do more than vege... i play softball several times a week most weeks throughout the year and i don't jog, i run the bases and feel the burn and want more... i wish i could play every day cuz i love the game and when i play double headers i want to play a third every time, even when i am tired... and i love running 5Ks when i sign up for them, but i do not sign up nearly enough... i love tennis, racquetball, and basketball when jackson or someone has time to play... so the fair and balanced record is that i am more active, a lot more active than the average person, especially when we look at average ages and demographics and all... still, not nearly enough exercise to satisfy me or keep the body in the condition most comfortable so all this fair and balanced crap is bull... but at least it's part of the record, aye?... posterity, ya know?...

and the body says... more exercise please :}

it is too easy to vege

especially when the love of writing draws me to sit for hours at the laptop tapping the keys, but not only that, the SPAM volume and internet distractions can take so much time away from active activities (as i spend an hour deleting emails tonight as i type these words realizing how much pigging out i have done lately and how work gets in the way of good rest, good sleep, and good exercise even more than the writing or distractions or laziness does, alas, the world is set up to kill us before we truly get to live and long before we have to die, probably because human beings would not be able to live peacefully given too much free time, at least not at our current evolutionary state, alas, alack, cha cha cha)...

perhaps i will survive the year and change my ways before it is too late...

there is always hope :}

aching neck

posture, too much desk work, blood pressure, something growing in there, who knows... it's a painfully uncomfortable (or is that uncomfortably painful) night just the same... pushing the body, pushing the lack of sleep, pushing... no days off in sight and much work and play ahead...

sleep now...

omigeesh

aching like i have not ached in years mostly (we hope) because i laid off the exercise for a month or so and it was cold (30-50 degrees) this weekend and i was out 11 hours two days in a row and ate a lot of junk and drank a lot of sugar and caffeine and the body pain sensors are warping cuz of the daily aspirin and the muscle pain, elasticity, and regeneration is warping cuz of the statin drugs in the red yeast extract and age is starting to show signs of becoming the mointain it can and eventually will be as time passes in this life... as much as the brain wants to will the body to stay young forever, the body has other ideas it seems... and each time i feel this, it feels more alone... alas, the fun is worth it though (and the weekend was major softball, outdoor, friends and food fun :)

still, would be nice to feel a long warm hug now... in a hot tub lol :)

they call it pigaroni

well, somebody might... so i was exhausted a few hours ago after a long week of work and driving (two days out of town five hours there and five hours back and long full day meeting in between) and two days of packing and lifting and moving boxes of paper (office moving) and another ordinary long work day way back at the start of the week and naturally, not enough sleep in between so i leave work exhausted (did i mention i was exhausted?) and head to play softball (cuz i was surprised by a call yesterday and said yes cuz i love softball but didn't think about the fatigue, nor about the tournament i will play tomorrow and sunday) and after the game i am hungry and here's where the title comes in... taco bell pig-out... T6 and T4 and Beefy Crunchy box and 5-layer and mountain dew (just a medium and didn't even finish it and there are leftovers for tomorrow, three tacos, yeah) and now i am wired, totally wired, fool, should be sleeping and i am totally wired... should sleep, foolish and unhealthy not to according to conventional medical wisdom, but wired... totally wired... did i mention wired?...

eat crap and feel great, it makes no conventional medical sense, but hey, it is what it is... and so, somebody come on and convince me otherwise cuz i really would like to live a few more years, ya know?...

laughter is healthy lol :)

bloated in tally

so much yummy food today it was not even funny cuz i hung out with a co-worker on this business road trip who ate regular meal times and i of course ate larger portions and feel stuffed, as in stuff-fed... the nwhole idea of dropping weight before jackson moves back down is kind of out the window as she comes back down next week and i am max stuffed tonight... foolish games, stupid habits, but yummy, oh so yummy...

issues with tissues

human tissues, in fact, most specifically anal fissure tissue tears, ouch... the body ages differently for everyone i suppose and my butt is aging faster than any other body part (ya reckon?)... sure, you are so happy you stopped in to read this latest body thought, aren't you?... cuz prep h is such a wonderfully fun (not to mention cozy and comfertable) subject (or ointment) to share... doesn't really matter what i eat, these bouts of tears come and go as does the hard and soft stools... it's more dependent on exercise and temperature i think... the first really colder weather brings it on, as does a lazy month... eating tough meats like over-cooked beef or pork (or even bird) does not help... milk sometimes goes one way and sometimes the opposite... ah yes, a magical mystery tour through my digestive track would be an odd and curious ride... anybody have a spare yellow submarine?...

otherwise, it's been a lazy month without softball and with pigging out parties and no motivation to exercise and chillier temps (supposed to drop below freezing tonight... i know, my friend up north mourn my climate plight, nyuk nyuk :)

here's to more life this year, aye? :)

ouchy day

i wonder if, in the last months, weeks, days, hours, or even moments of this life, whether i will sense the impending death of this body (not October of 2013, really?) and start writing here more or will i reverse the pattern of a lifetime and actually draw away from awareness of the physical shell that contains the consciousness i usually call me... at the moment, i am feeling poorly, slept poorly, neck ache, headache, tinnitus screaming louder than ever... wondering if it is something serious inside, blood pressure growing tumor or cancerous tissue or something... or maybe just too much sitting around the wrong way... worry and thoughts could be the worse ingredient of all...

so i think i'll stop now :}

wow, really?

the last blog i wrote in besides the dailies was this one?... wow, but you know this really ought to be a daily as the theme/topic used to be and should be and is even if i don't write about it and record the details... oh well, life (as in the body) does not last forever (not that i need to actively cooperated with the ultimate end, aye?)...

so what brings me here is the neck again... ordinarily it does not ache unless i am overtired or sitting in the recliner head forward typing too long but more and more i am noticing a potential connection with food, as in, it hurts immediately after i eat... and the ear rings a lot louder too... so something glandular to do with increased sugar processing or simply elevating blood pressure or some other food intake related cause?... or is it just the muscle pain i used to get now and then as a younger fool that reminded me to keep my spine aligned as opposed to sloughing and hunching and all that human stuff... or something else...

in any case, the pain is annoying cuz it is distracting... and today i hardly sat at all so far as i've been cleaning and laundrying and rearranging the space, but anyway, the body thought and i recorded the thoughts here... cuz someday someone might want to know... and more immediately, cuz i want to remember (especially in case i ever get back to a doctor for a checkup, ya know?)...

seriously, enjoy life no matter what the body says... and love the body, it's the only one you may ever have... thanks body, merry xmas lol :)

reports of constipation have been greatly exaggerated

while the irreverence of this found it's way into another blog hole, the fact is these are body thoughts and that is what this blog was created for and it surely isn't used as consistently and positively as it should, so here's another entry... as the title suggests, the body does stuff every day that we don't much talk (no less write about, but still it happens and if we are lucky (and taking good care of the body overall), it happens regularly and well (and i don't just mean sex or masturbation)... in a nutshell (though it musta been a huge nut), i roughly estimate that i deposited twenty pounds of waste into the porcelain receptacle over this weekend (and it ain’t over yet)… if that is way too much tmi, you may be in the wrong place as that’s just one of the exciting features of this blog and what we are here for, after all… so i pondered and realized that on the one hand it is a blessing that this body can still process so much food from healthy to junk in such a short period of time (yay for the holiday season, no doubt) and on the other hand, it is a curse that this body does not get sick enough to make me stop such ridiculously suicidal (but ever so fun) pig-out binges of culinary and oral self-indulgence (check out white wolf café next time you are in town… yes, a restaurant review right here in botts, can i get any more . . . oh, fill in your own description term this time, will ya?)….

feeling good, though larger than life in too many ways... what was that declaration i made to jackson?... to be 190 and running daily and doing weight work by the time she gets back down here next month?... luckily, she didn't respond so i am not help to it, right?...

nyuk nyuk, narf :)

no barf :)

hydration

a very rough week for the kidneys and renal system as what was probably the second worst stone of this life time finally passed after more than 24 hours of squirming and writhing and biting the bullet so i could run a two hour orientation followed by a one hour meeting followed by a two hour corporate brainstorming session and somehow the brain stayed conscious and kept the body moving, slowly, through the busy day... too much softball over the weekend and forgetting to continue the hydration even after i got too tired to remember i was drying out... in the heat and sun... and eating spicy deli heavy in nitrates and nitrites did not help... the perfect storm... off for the next five days now... gonna rest a lot this weekend... between softball games... and hydrate...

let's get physical

i hated the song 'physical' when it first came out and now, years later, i would love someone to let me see their body talk...

sleep is good

gave the body (and mind) a solid night sleep by closing my eyes and keeping them closed for at least 9 hours and woke without an alarm before the sun all energized and went out running (18:59.1 for five laps, which is about a half 5k) and gonna shower and write and relax and then head to work... sleep is good :)

so tired at night

and bloated too... had two stop after two laps running to come in to poop... went back out to run/walk and with the stopwatch stopped and started again when i got back outside to start the third lap i finished under 20 minutes for five laps and i want to run more but a combination of fatigue and bloat and the knee (yes, still a little swollen and the run has it stinging a bit in the spot it was hit)... the humidity didn't help at all, but it's mostly fatigue... at least i got back out running... but i must exercise more, daily, and not just running cuz the neck starts hurting more when i don't... the bloat is weird cuz all i ate today was two yogurts, some hummus and crackers, pistachio nuts, and some chocolate milk... i am starting to wonder if the neck pain it thyroid related... just a guess, but instincts talk to me and told me about the kidney and liver issues long before doctors did... and they (the instincts, that is) tell me i will die or become debilitated by a stroke someday, alas... hate hoping the instincts are wrong, but hey... that's life...

woke a lot

last night the kidneys woke me several times, possibly cuz of the excessive cheese i ate after a hard core weekend, possibly cuz i am getting tired of sleeping on the too soft couch, possibly cuz of other things... today the kidneys annoyed me with pain several times, probably cuz i didn't sleep enough... not enough rest is killing me, and not so softly...

crazy wonderful, sorta

alone sucks in so many ways and yet, the amazement of maintaining, overcoming, surviving, and enjoying the heck out of almost every moment alone or not no matter what challenges come my way is astounding and as usual, crazy wonderful... so the knee shuddered as i wrapped it and headed out to play softball, but i played and the knee survived... the healing powers of the mind (and body) continue to be crazy wonderful... not without pain, but i believe i shall play again tomorrow without further damage to the knee as long as i follow the prescription i wrote for myself today... ice, wrap, and care to run consistently without harsh pivots or stop and go (even if that means missing a ball or getting thrown out, with apologies to the team, but losing me for the season would be much less in the team's best interest than my simply missing a play or few)... and the exercise workout was a big yay...

so even without a nurturing nurse (or close friend, even), life is crazy wonderful...

owie kazowie

or is it an owee?... well, as mentioned elswehere, i was caught sleeping on the mound tonight and a softball hit my knee hard enough to end up in left field after it hit my knee and now i have a softball sized sweeling (almost) on my inner knee in a very not good spot since i have a softball tournament to play tomorrow and softball playoffs to play sunday, not to mention a game sunday morning... an aging body sucks when there's still a little kid living in the head...

this should be a very interesting weekend...

aching

the neck, left side... nagging, sometimes sharp enough to not want to move, definitely enough to keep me awake lately... only comes at night after i eat after i sit in the recliner... getting worse over the last couple of years... probably need more exercise... doesn't hurt during the day, though it does occasionally while i am eating... thyroid tumor?... sure, go for the jugular (oh that is a bad pun)... gout?... yeah, i really ought to see a doctor and get this checked... some sort of blockage in the neck vessels pressing on a nerve?... rather lose weight first so i am not urged to go on blood pressure medicines... need to stop working so much and rest... need to start eating more often and not just one meal at night... need to take a long vacation... need to retire before i die... want, really... all i need to do is keep breathing and eat and drink a bit... rambling now, lonely, want a friend, want to be taken care of for once...

not a good feeling at night, but fine all day...

5K times

the 5K may become the measure i use for improvement now... years ago it was mile times, one mile, two miles, three miles, all the way up to 15 miles and then a marathon... the fact that the 5K is a popular timed public run these days allows me to get out with other runners and get timed and the fact that 10 times around my apartment community is just over 5K makes 5K the easiest distance to time and measure...

it would help if i didn't accidentally reset the stopwatch as i cross the halfway mark... i did make the first half in under 20 though, i won't claim 19 cuz i reset it, but i can fairly claim 19:30... and the second half in 21:45 makes this a 5K in under 42 minutes... i will do an under 40 minute 5K this year... in fact, i may shoot for an under 35 minute 5K if i actually get my ass in gear...

i sort of committed to under 180 pounds by 2012 too... better get to it, aye?...

run twoo

as in second also... or maybe third, but anyway, another run tracked since living alone... this time was more moderately paced and finished five laps in 20:35.9... very long day and very hot night in the mid-eighties and way humid even for florida... sweat sweat sweat... eating to bloat yummy but to bloat... heading for four softball leagues a week in a few weeks, so increase the exercise... gotta run more... but carefully, the body is at that sudden death age with inconsistent exercise... drop weight, increase stamina and strength, then consider another stress test and whatever else the doctor orders... take care of yourself, right... i care, how about you?... alphas?...

starting over?

inspired to run by (what is her blog name, anyway?... well, sweetness comes to mind, but i can be {and probably have been} more creative than that... later) someone i might like to sleep with someday (did i write that?) and i focused (on the run, back to the run report) enough to actually drive the lap around the apartments to gauge the distance and so each lap is approximately a third of a mile and five laps came to about 1.6 miles... the first lap was finished in just over 3 minutes and the second lap in just under 4 minutes and i ran both in right at 7 minutes... walked the third lap in about 5 and a half, then ran the fourth lap in... forgetting... about 3 and a half... i do remember run/walking the fifth lap to finish in right at 20 minutes, so 1.6 miles in 20 minutes which is about a 40 minute 5k and reasonably pitiful for being as out of shape as i am by my standards...

looping a loopy loop

yeah, the work load leaves me burning out physically at work leaving little time or energy for exercise beyond the softball so the daily fat burning and aerobic work is lacking so the weight rises not helped by the rushed meals in the evening and seldom eating any other time and lately even more, the sharing of decadent foods with jackson the last month or few as she too took the workaholic path and also indulged in the end time before her relocation north for a new life and now the emo eating as i adjust to the new solitary (and much much lonelier) life (at least until i adjust) and so, bigger than a breadbox, for sure...

so it's been a long cycle of up, down, turn around...

and now, change ahead, we hope :)

losing touch

or more accurately, letting go... the dangerous floating far from conscious awareness of the physical as most humans do allow all sorts of unhealthy habits and conditions to build up in the body and that is not wise...

so cut it out soon? :}

bliss blitz

there is no doubt that the unhealthiness is apparent and yet the pleasures of the lifestyle are evident in each moment as well and now that jackson is leaving (sad face) for a new life far far away (like almost 2000 miles far far away) we are indulging our love of food all the more (and there is so very little time or energy left for exercise as we both work ridiculous hours these days)... our bodies reach their maximum size as we both ponder the changes...

almost blind with bliss, we smile a lot before we nod off :)

pain in the neck

seriously, tonight it's as bad as it's ever been, like majorly annoying and interfering with sleep for maybe the second time i can remember and combined with the screeching ear i find myself stumbling out of bed where i was actually going to sleep before midnight and sitting here trying to find a comfortable position for my head what with the left side of my neck right up to my left ear (and a little around my left eye and left temple) feeling really uncomfortable with occasional hurtful pain and constant screeching and discomfort... could it be the high salt contents of the three cans of soup i had for dinner, i mean, two were chicken soup, or the blood pressure or the too many hours day after day at the desk job or the lack of daily exercise or something else or a combination or...

and how are you? :}