yeah, well, whatever

ok so i stepped up to the plate over the weekend and it was good overall, baby steps for sure, and besides all the whining about insensitivity from some strangers new to the team who seemed to expect me to be able to run on rough surfaces without any ankle support (simply, i went to watch the game and the game was rained out so a handful of people went to a soccer field for some hitting/fielding practice and when i declined to participate because i was recovering from the first test the day before and had come out without ankle brace or any wrap in shoes for the first time {yeah, not even sneakers with better support) i was told i was making excuses... just walking on the uneven surface was a relatively new experience for the foot/ankle... and maybe it was meant to be friendly teasing (from strangers?), but being frustrated with my inactivity already and just a sensitive child, i took a walk and nurtured myself since nobody out there cared to and then whined to myself as i sorted through clothes, so to speak - thanks harry for understanding)...

the body became quiet depressed and i don't want to go through that again, so i will skip the sunday afternoon team for rehab and wait for the other teams where a bit more sensitivity might actually happen... sometimes i really don't care what anyone thinks, i just want to take care of myself my way and even if i never really have family or a nurturing environment, i'd rather be alone sometimes than put up with people's insensitivity (selfishness, machoness, egocentricity, call it whatever, people suck sometimes)... set back?... yup...

and that's what the body thinks today...

otherwise, aside from some ache, no bad news from the foot... just must remember how important attitude, encouragement, support, confidence, and preparation is in this rehab process (especially if nobody else does)...

alrighty then

yesterday (when i was young, la la la) was a good kick in the psyche and i found myself out on the softball field (with strangers, no less... not the ideal first time back, but... i don't actually have a family, alas, wah wah wah and all that)... jackson was there and she cares and is as close to family as i've got, so i had the best i could and yay for her...

anyway, i survived... there is pain, but nothing new... no damage... just the stress of movement and some light running (to first base) and attempting to put full weight on the foot/ankle while swinging the bat and pitching (i'll work my way up to full weight and actually pivoting)... the achilles and hamstring (and of course foot and ankle) showed definite signs of weakness and tightness, so stretching is essential prior to any exercise and alertness must be maintained to prevent ancillary injuries... but all in all, a very good first day back on the field... well delayed by extended rest, but maybe that is for the best... jackson thinks so :)

extended rest

since i have the time (as i am free of the responsibility of a daily job at the moment) to prolong the rest and inactivity part of this rehabilitation (for better or worse), i have been what we might call, extending the rest and even, lazy (not that i've ever considered that a possibility at any point in this life... if you would see me, you'd be seeing me pointing at the archives of this very blog as a starting point as i laugh at myself)... but on the other hand, all the reading i've done about planar fascia injuries suggests there are likely to be long term problems if rushed, so the luxury of this rest may be the best medicine and the work-ethic suicide pattern so normal in this world can just take a flying leap, na na na na na...

i am getting a might flabby though, so exercise would be wise too (just saying, in case i actually read this and take it seriously one day)... snarky narf :)

better every day

feeling like i want to run again, but i know i need to be very careful and i should be exercising in the gym daily to strengthen the leg and foot and ankle muscles but i've not gotten into that habit... at least i am getting out walking several times a day thanks to happiness, but pushing the muscles to strengthen them needs more than just walking... jackson hasn't been around and with the health insurance gone i have no physical therapist or coach or friend who will help, so it's all me... not even getting softball team motivation as nobody is close (except jackson and she's too busy and is discouraging me from rejoining the team... not sure if that's because they have too many people, but heck, i pay for the dang team and i don't get all the money back every season... in fact if i don't pay for the fall season by next week i lose out on the discount, but i still haven't gotten all the money for the current season... frustrating, especially with my current tighter budget... but even more frustrating is they don't seem to need me, wah wah, there are other teams that hopefully will call and want me to rehab faster and play with them)... just got to do it myself...

almost jogging

i am walking a bit better and went to the gym and used the elliptical machine for the first time and did ten minutes and almost recorded .82 miles which is a pretty good pace and a great workout for the ankle and no ill effects so i must motivate myself to do it more often... and each day i walk a bit faster (happiness helps and i am just about to the point where he has to trot to pull on the leash, so yay for progress)... any day now i will be trying to jog...

neck, ear, head, foot

checking in with the body, the neck has been aching all day since i woke, the usual nagging... stress?... blood pressure?... fatigue?... diet?... lack of exercise?... body position?... other?... whatever, i've hardly sat down today because the foot and leg need exercise and the neck too as too much sitting in the recliner at the laptop can aggravate the neck (which is why the pain in the neck is puzzling)... anyway, the upper body used the 10 lb dumbbells about ten minutes every hour... that (exercise) often relieves the neck pain but not today... maybe more rest, i mean real rest (de-stressed rest, which is challenging to do these days)....

and then the ear is louder than it's been in weeks, at least, so i am increasing in crankiness as the hours go by... an ordinary mind might have gone off the deep end, i mean unhinged, i mean broken down or something (audio torture induced mental illness?) by now... and if that's not enough, the head is hurting a little, probably from minimal food intake and no caffeine, but definitely third on the list... the good news is that the foot/leg is fourth on the list of pains today in spite of being up and standing and walking most of the day... hooray for good news...

now if i only had the solution to the neck and ear (besides ignoring it, which i've done for years now... doctors don't seem to take it or me seriously, probably because i don't want to take their pills... doctors are way too dependent on pills, probably because they satisfy most people who accept relief of {or masking of} symptoms as a cure... and tests are just more expensive every year and most doctors don't know enough to read advanced tests anyway... and medical malpractice has driven many doctors to have as little actual contact with patients as possible... where is dr. house when you need him, huh?... and come to thing of it, who can afford dr. house and all the tests he runs... who pays for those, anyway?... ah, but seriously would an mri and cat scan of my ear and head and neck tell them anything?)...

body thoughts, aye?

progressing

took a walk friday more than previous says and then went out friday night to play cards and didn't get back until saturday morning which is the longest the sneaker has been on in almost three months and and then i didn't sleep saturday and went out saturday during the day and then again saturday evening and then finally got a little sleep sunday morning and then went out sunday afternoon to shoot a basketball around and then for another long walk and then to the gym and walked 15 minutes on the treadmill at 2.5-2.9 mph (did some upper body work too) and then, home to rest... the busiest weekend for the foot in three months and it survived... there is muscle and ligament pain today, but no more at the injury sites than at the other muscles that were minimally used for almost two months and only slightly more used the past month... so when do i run?... another few weeks, maybe... getting better all the time...

recording this moment

reaching back this week i ate minimally and relatively healthy for a modern human in this fast food processed culture, humus, pasta, nutes, a sandwich or two of processed meat and cheese... lite mayo, lite butter substitute, ketchup... i dropped some weight... and i skipped sleep too much, though sleeping more when the body asked than according to a daily clock...

in the past 36 hours i slept about four hours... waking for this current awake period about 26 hours ago... in the first twelve hours i walked, worked on the computer, watched tv, cooked, ate dinner, and along about the 13th hour started feeling sleep calling... it was then that i showered and dressed and went out to a card party... for the first time this week i drank caffeine (iced tea) and ate meat and chocolate in abundance... i played cards until about four hours ago and then drove home...

in the past three hours the body rose from fatigue to rejuvenated, the mind from groggy to clarity, the eyes from blurry to an acuity i have not experienced in several, perhaps many months or longer... while i feel body fatigue, i also feel calm, at peace, and more consciously aware of the moment and surroundings than again, in perhaps many months or longer... i write this now to record these moments for i would not mind learning precisely how i arrived here and how to repeat the process/journey...

is it the chocolate?... the sugar and fat?... the meat? (the meat was re-processed meatballs in a sweet-sour tomato-cranberry sauce made by one of the people at the party)... the caffeine (which certainly should have worn off by now, except for the amount in the chocolate, as i drank the last of the tea, just 24 ounces or so, about six hours ago)... or are the chemicals in the foods just a catalyst providing the energy to allow the mind (and eyes) to wake and return to a clarity (and acuity) that has long been buried in fatigue from overwork and external distraction...

the latter seems the most cogent explanation...

certainly logic suggests that sleep is required some time today if i am to go out tonight as planned, but at the moment i am in a very relaxed (not wired) awake place that is not asking for sleep, rather, is asking for more mental stimulation and more interaction...

so for all the whining and complaining and pain and self-destructive body and other thoughts that have been here and elsewhere, i felt recording this moment of clarity as related to the physical experience of being in this body in this time and space would be of benefit if only to remind me that it does happen...

walking better

still painful, but once i get moving the pain is much less as long as i wrap it just right and tie the sneaker right, i can walk a good distance... some muscle ache in the foot and achilles and a bit in the calf afterwards, but walking better and getting better... just have to be careful on uneven surfaces... extremely careful, actually, for the stability is very weak and wobbly, but getting better...

pushing the limits further

the foot - walking up to an hour a day, almost, and gearing up for serious physical therapy that i will research and provide for myself...

the body - the buzz of changing habits to return to exercise and keep an old promise (marathon the year i cut my hair) is screaming even louder than the tinnitus (which is quite mind-occupyingly loud lately) and hopefully i will actually start soon...

the hair - gone... so much more to say, but no sleep x3+ days = blah blah blah...

brain - no sleep for 3+ days, distracted, unfocused, bearly blurry blah blah blah...

more to follow, we hope :}

timing bad, m'ok?

yeah, it is not good to leave a job and suddenly be thrust into a job search the same day as boot removal... so i have not been using the boot or crutches for almost two weeks, but i am also not walking much... my days are spent sitting here online searching for jobs and the motivation to dress and wrap the foot and tie on the sneaker is minimal... luckily happiness, the wonder dog, begs to go outside a lot and likes to pull and walk... the pulling is challenging, almost pulling me off my feel or off balance so i almost hurt the foot and ankle... must be very careful (and a little hard on him cuz i cannot afford a re-injury what with needing to go on interviews when they finally come and no health insurance for months, bad timing, m'ok)... the good news is the foot is doing better... i am walking slowly on flat surfaces with minimal pain... dangerous are the slopes and bumpy surfaces (so stay off the grass)... just need to focus on more consistent (and more) exercise and stretching and more exercise... careful physical therapy rehab, must do it myself, motivate, careful, must... and rest, must get back to sleeping regularly... and eating regularly... stop letting this bummer job search distract me... positivity...

that is all for today, mostly a reminder :}

neglecting updates

neglecting the rehab too while i'm at it... yeah, the loss of work (i believe it was the day after the last entry here) my desk at work and i parted ways... that has left me sitting at this laptop revising resumes and cover letters and searching the job market and finding very little out there, nothing that will pay what i've been getting, so, depressing week... the body was feeling the effects (affects too) and that gave the foot yet another week of rest, but not the physical therapy or activity it needs... though not wearing the boot or using the crutches all week has been good (challenging though) for the foot... need to focus on rehab and shake the blues... alone, sigh, unless you feel like coming over and helping (what?... you think i write all these words on the web for my health?... ummmm, well, yeah, that is the primary reason, but i could keep them private, after all... i put them out here for you to read hoping you {somebody} will be interested in coming closer, becoming a friend, maybe even close... anybody out there?)... and that's the body update for today... sigh and all...

he walks the night

well, being nocturnal is nothing new, but walking outside in sneakers without crutches for the very first time tonight was new and exciting and not painful enough to consider it a mistake... to the car, to the restaurant, back to the car, drive 45 minutes home, and back from the car to home... yay, the foot survived... no trips, no stumbles, no falls... and no increase in swelling or pain afterward, even without extended elevation... recovery faster than ever (oh, what am i saying?... softball?... patience, aye?)... yay, the healing is happening...

shhhh, let's not leap to any conclusions...

walking better

without crutches (with the boot on) and if i am careful, without pain and with less swelling than before this week... hopefully i am not wasting my time at the doctor tomorrow cuz i really am hoping for some good advice about healing the plantar fascia rupture but given the lack of response from the doctor's office when i called and pressed the button the automated voice said to press to request a call back (no response) and the original misdiagnosis and the relative nonchalance of the one visit with the doctor, i am not expecting anything... how hard should i push and what risks and can he answer and... i really ought to get some sleep...

ok, wonderful

i survived two trips to the theatre and one trip to a restaurant in the past three days on top of the working at work and self-care at home and the foot is better than it's been since the injury... i put some pressure on it and walked twenty feet or so without crutches a couple of times, outside with the boot on and at home without the boot... the pain flares at two get spots like clockwork and the rest of the leg muscles show signs of atrophy from lack of use which makes pushing the walking all the more important... balance is the key cuz those two pain flare spots are warnings that damage can happen suddenly if i push those two spots too far too fast... but it is still wonderful news to be healing...

getting bettter

don't want to jinx it, but i am not regressing after walking short stints around the house or office with the boot on... even without the boot at home from one room to the other isn't setting me back too far... the same pain areas continue to flare up, swell, throb, and ache for a while after walking, but not as much as past weeks... still not walking without crutches more than five to ten total minutes a day though... and while i still must elevate regularly to keep the pain down, improvement is good...

feeling alone tonight... but at least the foot is getting better...

still, the foot

healing is happening and some walking on the foot is happening, but the reaction from the plantar fascia is not great so the walking is minimal and very low pressure... i should be ok getting to our seats for la cage aux folles thursday and saturday if i call ahead and arrange to walk to the aisle before the crowd... our seats are center of a long row thursday and third row left center saturday, so once i get there i show be ok... i still haven't found time to call the doctor and they haven't called me back (which is so typical and yet, still sad) and my guess is they will do little, maybe suggest an expensive oprthopedic insert for when i can finally get a shoe on... swelling still happens after walking, the ligaments are healing slowly... the pain at the site of the tibia break flairs if i put too much pressure on it or try to turn the ankle... there is more range of motion, just not much... not being able to walk is getting old, not to mention not being able to run...

and so it goes as time goes by...

pushing the foot

getting a little better every day as long as i keep the boot on when i am walking, but more walking than i want to do cuz work is so busy... healing continues... top ligaments and plantar fascia still swelling after walking... the plantar fascia remains a throbbing knot after walking... the fracture stings a little after walking... some muscle burn achilles and others... more skin itching... still didn't get a minute to call the doctor for a rescheduled appointment... must make time tomorrow... so tired... must get the rest...

potty training

the human body is really built inconveniently... i refer to the physical need to empty the bladder daily, usually a few times a day or more even if the choice is to drink a healthy amount of fluid, and empty the bowels more or less daily... everything in our modern culture is built around toilets, bathrooms, rest rooms, water closets, lavatories, johns, or whatever we choose to call the place we leave our excrements... imagine a life without having to poop and pee and wipe and wash every few hours or clean the bathroom, for that matter... these are some thoughts that being immobile have inspired lately as every trip to the bathroom is a painful chore...

healing a plantar fascia rupture

the plantar fascia rupture is going to be the biggest challenge and obstacle between me and getting back on the road running and playing softball and racketball and tennis and basketball and any other activity generally requiring two healthy feet... resting the foot after walking on it around the apartment, just to the kitchen and back a few times cooking and to the bathroom to shower and turning around in the shower a few times and walking happiness out to the lawn, maybe a hundred or so steps of varying pressure (only a few dozen full weight in and out the shower)... and now feeling the plantar fascia swelling and throbbing is diminishing after two hours of sitting here elevated... so the pattern appears to be it becomes inflamed and swells after walking, less so with the boot on (about half the time) so it must have more to do with the flexing of the ligament than with the lack of elevation and what i need to know is whether flexing the plantar fascia is a positive step or a negative step in the healing process... consult the doctor this week...

and how are your feet today? :)

was good for a while

and then, i hopped around a bit cooking dinner and cleaning up... maybe the mistake was not wearing the boot because not the plantar fascia is aching throbbing and curling the foot oddly and i probably should wear the boot or a splint more often to maintain the natural arch or something like that... there must be something other than the full boot for this... alas, i wish i didn't miss the doctor's appointment... and i wish the doctor's office called me back like they said they would friday...and i wish this foot would heal already... anyway, there is improvement and maybe this is the healing process for a plantar fascia rupture... think healing thoughts...think healing thoughts...think healing thoughts...

twinges of my left foot

dangit be careful with me, i am delicate, fragile, sensitive... or is it the other way around?... listen to me, as you wake in the middle of the night because the bladder demands emptying, don't forget you are not supposed to put weight on me (these are the twinges of my left foot) or i will recreate the pain that sent you to the doctor weeks ago and keeps me in a boot now almost five weeks later... not to mention the broken sleep patterns... if you want me to heal, don't tread on me (even if you don't get all the references)...

hoping for better

did the good thing, working hard for the cure, or healing, or something like that... walking way more the past two days than in the previous almost five weeks and while there is throbbing numbness and some swelling and sharp pains now and then, i feel good about the healing this week... could that be partly due to the supplements?... flax oil, walnuts, and the usual vitamins and lean protein... so optimism shines through tonight... hopefully throughout the weekend... time will tell... it is likely that i will too...

stop it, life

well, to be more precised, it's stop it, worklife cuz the worklife is killing the foot... the most challenging day yet thanks to problems ignored... i am the clean up guy, but today there were a few messes i simply could not clean up and the foot had nothing to do with it... on my feet much much more than any day since the ouch started and exhaustion almost overrides the numb bomb set to go off when i remove the boot tonight... maybe i will fall asleep first... and somehow i must feel up to a shower tonight or early tomorrow morning... and i may miss the doctor's appointment in the morning if it was tomorrow morning cuz i complete forgot which day the appointment is and i did not get a reminder this time and the work from today spilled over so i must be there to hold hands in the morning... dang foot doesn't like the idea... but whatever, all i can do is rest rest rest... right, whatever...

this week is the best yet for the foot, though it still hurts too much to put full pressure on it and i still cannot move the foot without major pain (signs of the ligament damage)... the plantar facia is almost definitely ruptured, which is not good news... i hope the last four and a half weeks didn't slow the healing process or do more damage, but probably not... i did the damage myself by playing another game and a half, pitching, batting, and running on the foot... dummy... not going to the doctor right away, accepting a PA's diagnosis after telling the PA what i did (continued playing for a while) lead the PA to misdiagnose on multiple levels... alas, the bottom line is i immobilized the foot and have not walked on it since getting the boot two days after the injury, which is right treatment for a ruptured pf (hey, i wonder if that's where pf flyers got their name), so maybe no excess damage done...

still hurts and takes a long time to heal...

the continued swelling makes sense too... and the top of the foot ligaments are definitely torn too and the same treatment, immobilization, so again, just time, time time... and we already have the diagnosis of the fracture of the base of the tibia, so that stinging pain now and then there shouldn't surprise me... i've got to figure out how to speed up the ligament damage though... linseed (flax)... and rest... dangit...

improvement

yeah, i have been fooled by improvement before so i am not jumping up and down with excitement... yeah, i noticed my choice of words and weak attempt at humor... the good news is that the foot is not throbbing as painful in the evening and i did not elevate as much today and i am not hurting as much when i out a little pressure on it, though very little... healing might actually be happening... a little... there is still throbbing though... and the calf and achilles tendon atrophy is starting to hurt a bit more... and the swelling returns when i stand or lower the foot, but not as much, i think... but maybe... stay positive... so maybe i am crossing over the halfway point (that's depressing from a time line perspective) and... one day at a time...

much better without the walking

though i didn't eat anything but nuts today... i can afford to lose weight, but the foot needs protein and balance... taking vitamins and a few supplements... out of walnuts though and fish oil doesn't have the right fatty acid and the omega-3 hasn't arrived yet... and i still have the weeks work clothes in the laundry in the dryer... and i didn't take a shower... but the foot is much better when i do not walk on it and when i do not try to hop around the house a lot... the healing continues... minimal swelling too... the diagnosis is confirmed more with each passing day... no rhoids, that's good news... wish there was something other than rest and wait i can do... even exercising other body parts makes the foot hurt more as the blood pressure and pulse rising makes it throb and it is not easy to not move the foot muscles at all when trying to push other muscles no matter what the exercise... dealing with the frustration and impatience as well as i am able... writing it out helps... and that's the body thoughts for today...

again, too much walking

just around the house, dangit... too much pressure on the foot and the pain is clearer than ever... bottom of the tibia where the fracture is... and the plantar fascia is definitely ruptured... and the top of the midfoot pain remain pointing to a stable lisfranc injury, non-displaced since they saw no bone fractures or displacements, some of the ligaments must be torn... and the only cure is staying off the foot and letting the ligaments heal and that can take months... so all the attempted walking i am doing is not helping... that is not good news (should i wait for a doctor to tell me or just be intelligent)...

who am i asking, anyway?

water not boarding

so as i was saying (elsewhere), i miss daily showers... and i don't remember often enough, but as a kid and teen and young adult i would take at least two showers a day, often more... hot steamy showers and icy cold showers... water, especially hot steamy shower water, was one of my best friends... for the skin stimulation and for the manipulation of body temperature... it was meditation, exercise, all sorts of other intangibles and reminded me of how focused i can be in the physical world when i wanted to be... saunas and hot tubs and icy pools took the place of showers for a while, but these days, sigh, alas, sigh...

it has been some time since i had that cuz the hot water here is maybe 110 degrees, maybe less or a little more cuz i can turn on all hot and step into it, slowly, but still don't need to gradually raise the temp as i did when i was younger and even after standing under the all hot for ten minutes the skin is not even close the bright red almost burn that i used to push to back then... but at least i still take daily showers... most days...

i have been skipping a day or even two in showers cuz of the foot and finally took a shower and though the foot misses the boot and is more swollen and throbbing (though not as bad as it has been, though that could be the aspirins too), the clean feels so good... so very good...

i have forgotten the face of my father (metaphorically speaking as i never knew my father, but that's another story)... i hope i remember to take advantage of both feet when they are both working again... i don't have to live like a refugee, after all :)

physical focus

everything is so very physical, the body, that is, self-focused, distracted, it is a real pain in the neck... no really, i mean the pain in the neck is very distracting... and some headaches and here i go wondering again if it is posture (the reminder from my youth to get the spine and therein my head straight was the stiff neck, after all) or maybe the blood pressure is playing some role and leaving me what may rudely be called a sophie's choice (as if anything can be that bad), die from high blood pressure or die from the medications the medical profession use to try to control high blood pressure...

and then there's the foot... rough day, but hopefully still healing... more hopefully healing right and not getting permanently damaged by the walking i have to do... some of the people at work are amazing in their lack of compassion and unwillingness to help as they watch me struggle to carry papers or hold open doors while on crutches... tomorrow should be fun as i have a few hours of meetings with the most inconsiderate folk of all who enjoy pouncing on weakness and making others feel like crap, what a life... luckily they don't affect me much anymore, but the foot won't make it any easier...

there are body thoughts?... well, sorta... heal already, dammit! :}

too much walking

especially too much walking without the boot... happiness just woke me again to go outside... so much for sleeping in and getting the rest the foot needs... frustrated... i just don't feel like going through the whole process of putting on a sock (which is painful and i've got to wash socks today) and then putting on the boot just to go to the bathroom, kitchen, or the lawn for happiness... but a dozen trips to the kitchen, a half dozen trips to the bathroom, and a half dozen trips to the lawn have taken a toll... i didn't even get into the shower or do laundry and have to find the foot strength for both, dangit... i love him, but happiness was challenging and took more foot than intended... he just doesn't wait, bolts out the door (gave me a couple of painful rope burns earlier this year) and can pull me over if i am not ready and really stable on the crutches and this morning he caught me off guard and pulled the leash out of my hands before i could negotiate the newspaper sitting right in the doorway... he can also get out of his collar... i had to yell at him to come back and i definitely put too much pressure on the foot... i feel bad cuz he needs exercisse... but the foot... hopefully it's not too much of a set back for the foot... the extreme throbbing is back, as is swelling... the pain has been a lot worse though... it just hurts a lot, not the max extreme... but enough to want no more walking on it today... still need to shower and do laundry and eat though, so maybe for a six or eight hour, at least though... if i take happiness out again i'll put on a dirty sock and the boot... need more sleep but happiness and the foot say no... alas, the weekend was supposed to be rest...

stay positive

left the boot off all day and no extreme pain... put pressure on the foot, mostly the outside and heel, for at least a hundred baby steps today and no extreme pain... elevated most of the time sitting, but when the foot is lowered, no extreme throbbing or pain... still pain, still throbbing, but the extreme i am not getting up anymore pain has not returned today... three weeks...

the bones may be knitting, but more importantly, the muscles, tendons, and ligaments that were damaged may finally be healing enough to no send the extreme pain signals at the slightest moment, at even the change in blood pressure... not moving the foot though, movement still shoots seering pain through the damaged areas... and the swelling still comes and goes... but staying positive with the progress... definitely progress...

skipping, days, that is

definitely not skipping yet, but... though (drumroll) i did actually walk a few steps without crutches with the boot on snug... no screaming pain, no screaming throbbing afterwards... just numb throbbing, which is hopefully an improvement... the roller coaster of a day better and the next day worse has been rolling for almost three full weeks now, but hope springs eternal that this better will be the turning point where the better days start outnumbering the worse days... a weekend of rest and major improvement, we hope... i mean, you hope too, right? (no really, thanks for caring :)

yeah, so i skipped yesterday... the doctor visit and all, nothing important for the body to talk about, right?... ok, ok, so the ortho-surgeon agreed with me the the pa mis-read the xray and the fracture at thebottom of the tibia is new... the treatment doesn't change, just take more care walking and moving the ankle... meanwhile, the foot is torn up... most likely exactly what the books told me, but the only way to try to be more certain is to mri and catscan and that's way expensive and won't change the treatment cuz elective surgery is even more expensive (and not covered at all by insurance) so i passed on the magnets and more xrays for now... if there is no improvement in ten days, i will reconsider...

the foot saga goes on :}

freeeek dang dodo foot

hey, it's more creative and for me, more expressive than fucking foot, but it's along the same lines, i suppose... the pain in the front of the arch, just behind the ball, that's the puzzler... bone that didn't show up well on the xray?... ligaments?... something applied a lot of pressure on the arch of the sneaker i was wearing... thought it might have been a sudden hematoma or hemorrhage ... so i got to reading to refresh my memory of the names of the stuff in the foot... i may have torn the flexor hallucis longus at the sesamoid bone at the first metatarsal phalangeal joint... also the anterior talo-fibular ligament... and the birfucated ligament... maybe the extensor digitorium longus... so the primary pain is at the plantar first metatarsal phalangeal and dorsal fourth metatarsal phalangeal and the general are of the talonavicular joint... tomorrow i find out what the doctor has to say...

guess my foot can say a mouthful, huh?...

good days, bad days

whatever good and bad might mean... tolerable pain, totally distracting pain, there's a better title... so i recall feeling optimistic some time late on sunday after resting the entire weekend and then after laying down, there was an increase in the pain enough to keep me awake, but somehow i fell asleep and then yesterday it was moderate most of the day and then, swelling returned when i got home and pain rose enough after dark for me to still be awake after midnight and i reached for aspirins somewhere later and woke every hour... works then kept me on my feet way more than any day since the injury, so the foot is puffing up and kinda throbbing numb... hopefully it doesn't lose it's numb too soon... dang foot...

never a straight line

life, that is... and healing too... for most of the day i felt really good about the healing as i was able to shower and cook (re-heat, but still hopping around for longer than i have in two weeks, and after showering in the morning, no less... and then i napped an hour and woke about an hour ago and stood up to hop to the bathroom and the foot said no... the rush of blood to the foot was back to the seering throbbing pain that it has been since the twist and so, i stayed here... maybe it is just an adjustment i did not make that i made the previous times. putting the foot down and letting the blood flow into it and massaging a bit and letting it get used to the blood flow and maybe it'll be better if i did that... i will try that later perhaps... it could also be that the aspirins are wearing off more and the unmasked pain remains, which would suggest more injury than the pa diagnosed, which would be frustrating especially since i am the one choosing to wait the sixteen days before actually seeing the doctor... shhhhh, one day (and step) at a time... i shall attempt movement now...

and some improvement, but still no way i am putting any weight on it... i messed this foot up good it seems... screw me... the swelling is still not gone (nor is the bruising which covers the whole foot, top and bottom), and the hot spots at the ball, the outside, and the outside connection between the ankle and foot... major pain trying to move or apply pressure in those three spots... the skin on the foot is getting better thanks to the cortisone cream i put on it before sticking it in the boot for a few days... other body parts are starting to complain as well, the hands and underarms from the crutches... the butt from sitting on it (needed to put some cortisone on the butt, yeah, diaper rash without a diaper... sitting on the butt too much and skipping showers... tmi?... hey, this is body thoughts, get used to it cuz the body is only going to continue deteriorating until it dies, that's life)... i wonder if the cortisone will affect the foot or any other part of me... maybe i'll look it up...

not so much fancy free

a bit less pain to start this weekend when compared to last weekend considering i think the last aspirins i took may have been thursday evening but may have been friday mid-day too, it is now at least 24 hours and pushed a bit last night and i just showered (which is a major push and challenge on one foot and requires at least some support from the other foot, even it is just 10% weight bearing for brief moments as i pivot and get in and out of the tub... now there is the benefit of the flat bottom walk-in shower stall, aye?... though most are slippery-er and i'd probably use a towel on the floor which would tangle up as i turned pivoting on one foot and, well, i am making due with a tub so nevermind) and the good foot is aching a bit (ever try standing on one foot, hopping, pivoting on a slippery surface, and walking for half an hour or longer without sitting to rest?... thank goodness i don't have vertigo... go ahead try it for five minutes and see what i mean... don't forget the pivoting and hopping, at least a dozen of each, i mean, just to get a brief feel of the experience cuz you are an insatiably curious child and really want to know which is why you follow me around through all these many dozens of blog, right?... or is that me? :)

anyway, gonna rest a bit now before dressing and considering what to do this weekend... hope your body is enjoying your weekend more than mine, but whatever you do, make it fun too :)

footless

kinda wish i was tonight... not really, but... ok, so i have not moved the foot since the last entry and feeling all isolated and lonely with nobody to talk to tonight and feeling all lame cuz the foot really hurt the last time i moved it and sitting here is getting more challenging cuz the bladder wants to empty and you really wanted to know all this, right?... body thoughts, remember?...

yeah, well ok, so i paused a moment and stood up and grabbed the crutches and took a half a step and nope, not walking any more tonight... sitting immobile again... neck stiff... ear ringing... stomach grumbling... hungry, achy, tired in so many ways, lonely, no wonder people give up and die in these bodies... life gets so old when nobody wants to come out to play anymore...

i'd rather be dancing...

when the first stop is here

it's either very good or... seriously not good... the foot is throbbing enough to immobilize me... here i shall sit until morning, pee bottle next to the chair... work had to be done... it was a very good day, amazing if you know, but not so much for the foot... today was a day that tested the foot seriously, i put more weight on it than i have since the day of the injury, walked more since the day of the injury (and it wasn't that much) and the swelling and pain is back with a vengeance now that i finally put it up... more aspirins please... sheesh...

freakin foot

i gave in and took four aspirins some time during the late morning because i was not gonna work well without them cuz of the distraction... and now i am not sleeping at the moment because of the same distraction... about 80 hours without any pain medication tells me the injury is more foot than ankle and it will not be healing in a week or two, dammit... i did not move the doctor's appointment up, even if i should have, and am still taking it day by day... it does not appear to be getting worse... the swelling is way down, though still present throughout the foot and ankle and a bit of the lower leg... the pain is localized (when off pain meds) to the outer (anterior) center foot (bone or connective tissue) and the outer (left front) foot/ankle connection (connective tissue) the rear right space in front of the heel (two chips off the tibia) and just behind the ball (bone or soft tissue, i had immediate bubble swelling there after the twist so i either popped a blood vessel or disclocated a foot bone, either way it seems the pressure of continuing to run on the foot for another hour and a half after the injury reset or pressed out the bubble)... also dealing with more muscle cramping aching from the inactivity and the redistribution of muscle use...

feel free to sympathize and if you are a really tolerant understanding infinitely patient nurse, feel free to come over and wipe my brow now and then... an occasional hug/cuddle wouldn't hurt much either...

sheeesh...

foot on the brain

so i am pretty certain it is a foot injury as the ankle is a little sore, but the foot in a couple of spots rages burns and stabs quite severely enough to prevent sleep and walking... i got home today and was able to move around enough to take happiness out to the front lawn for a pee and get food from the fridge... after sitting and eating, the throbbing began again... movement helps, but it does not stop the stabbing pain in one spot in particular and when the throbbing starts it is two or three spots consistently, so whatever damage was done was specific to those spots...

also some muscle cramping after i got home... from walking very differently perhaps... and possible from pain drug withdrawals (just daily aspirins and three hydrocodone tabs, so maybe not)... or perhaps it's diet as i did not eat or drink all day... need to figure out how to get food and drink to the office... very challenging to deal with a leg cramp when foot immobility is vital to lowering pain... swelling is down a lot, wish the pain was...

just updating in case i forget, perhaps, or maybe posterity will want to know... just disclaiming in case someone actually reads this and wonders why... just wondering why myself... just a little lonely tonight i guess... focus is weak... foot on the brain is very distracting... foot pain is very isolating...

hello? :}

double vision

not as fun as i might have thought... the eyes will not naturally, without a lot of conscious effort, line up bilaterally to give the brain one image to process... i see two images and either select one eye to follow or consciously must force both eyes to line up to provide a clear single image... it is easier to do ten or more feet away than it is a foot or few away so typing and reading the computer screen is a moment to moment challenge... this does not bode well for work tomorrow and this week as without the pain med the foot pain was seriously distracting...

more pain

mine is not to know just why, mine is just to feel this pain increasing daily to a point where i caved into my resistance to using drugs (mostly because the drugs i would choose are not what the medical profession offers and i believe the drugs the medical profession offers are usually not good for my body... like the hydrocodone with acetaminophen this woman (receptionist, perhaps nurse, but i doubt it) called into a pharmacy on the authorization of a physician's assistant who misread my xrays and didn't really examine my foot, which, as i've been reading, is par for the course for ankle injuries... i will call the doctor's office and ask to move my two-week follow-up appointment up a week on monday...

maybe taking four 325mg aspirins masked the pain (one reason i do not like )so well i did not take it seriously enough to insist on seeing a doctor right away cuz i was basically putting pressure on the heel in and out of the boot and gently manipulating the ankle and foot to reduce swelling, increase circulation, and expedite healing on my own since the pa said nothing was seriously wrong and i should start moving and walking on it when i could without pain...

yesterday around noon i stopped the aspirins mostly because nsaids raise blood pressure and because i started feeling the slight burn in my stomach that can be a sign of bleeding from too much aspirin... by yesterday evening the foot was more painful than it has been since the first twist/break and it's been getting progressively worse... so i called for meds and my roommate was able to pick up hyrocodone, only the most abused narcotic in this country, without me even being there... 30 tabs, $5, by phone, by proxy...

i took one three hours ago... minimal effect... script says every 4-6 hours... i will take another one in a few... the problem is it is combined with acetaminophen and contrary to modern pop-medical opinions and commercial sales pitches, that is not good for the liver or kidneys and i do not have the best liver or kidneys... so i am forced to take a medication i do not want or take no medication, at least until i see the doctor... hopefully the pain will not continue getting worse... as if i did not know, but next time, no getting triaged, i ask for a doctor and get a doctor... i was just hoping it was not serious and maybe it isn't but this pain is...

puzzling pain

ok, so there are times when i can put full body weight on the heel (as long as i am not moving the rest of the foot) and actually walk a few steps without pain (unless that is just the aspirins, which is all i've been taking so far, about 12 a day until today) and there are times when no matter what, there is throbbing pain - no movement at all, elevated or down (more down), throbbing totally distracting pain...

and then there is the boot... at times the boot immobilization-by-pressure reduces the pain and allows me to walk a few steps with out crutches or support without pain, but after a while for some reason (reducing circulation or overheating perhaps), the same totally distracting pain... and then taking off the boot and pressing the foot gently on the floor (stimulating circulation and muscle movement) feels much better after hurting at first... so maybe it does have something to do with temperature, too chilled and there is pain with every twitch so immobilization is needed... or perhaps it's just too many twitches... too warm and/or too little movement (immobilized in the boot) and evelated too long (limited circulation) and there is pain... must find a balance...

of course it could just be the meds... more aspirins... call doctor tomorrow for something stronger since aspirins are going to eat my stomach... of course something stronger might eat my liver and kidneys just as much... the body is not happy... how are you?...

damn the pain, full speed ahead

ok, so not quite full speed... in fact, not even a slow walk... still at a very wobbly hobble, actually, but we definitely have damn the pain right... the ten steps to the bathroom turn into twenty mini-hops on the crutches, each way, followed by a half hour of throbbing until the foot returns to it's semi-numb, semi-on fire state... then there are the rest of the muscles starting to ache because they are compensating for the foot... and then there are stiffness aches in the legs from lack of movement... and did i mention the stomach ache from the too many aspirins?... sheesh, how about the headache from, who knows what?... and i probably should eat some prunes soon too, daily, even...

i am so not having fun...

ok, so this is the most challenging challenge the body has had in quite some time... i never had a leg/foot injury before (though there was the hamstring a few years ago, but i continued playing softball with that one, just hobbled along until it got better... ankles appear to be much more necessary for ambulation), considering i've been running and playing ball for so many years, a lifetime... still, a lifetime of no injuries doesn't make this one hurt less and definitely does not make getting around any easier... not sure how i am getting to work and from the car to my office (and back) tomorrow, but it's the plan...

ankle results

ok, the results are in, sort of... i saw sort of because the x-rays were read by a PA, not an MD or orthopedist or radiologist, and there is obvious broken fragments on the x-ray that the PA says were old... there was no pain prior, so how can it be old... i think he assumed i am like most people my age, sedentary, and would not notice...

so i have a bad sprain, either a grade 2 or 3 (can't tell until the swelling goes down and it really doesn't matter cuz the only difference in treatment is the grade 3 hurts more and takes longer to heal... grade 2 is a partial tear in the ligaments holding the ankle together and a grade three is a complete tear, the latter needing more support (cast/boot) for longer... and as i mentioned above, there are also a couple of bone chips off the bottom tip of the tibia... same treatment, immobilize... of course rich people and pro athletes would have had surgery already and be re-habed in a couple of weeks... i hope to be not much longer than that cuz i am too stubborn to sit for long and i want to get back to playing softball and running, but realistically i may be wearing this expensive boot for a few weeks (everybody says longer, i say wait and see)...

the swelling may have finally stopped, maybe, except when i walk on it or stand a while... driving a clutch in a boot is gonna be interesting tomorrow... life goes on, especially work...

sucks and hurts a lot, but sucks more... i have five softball teams scrambling for a pitcher now and i lose the time and factor in body age, that sucks sucks sucks more... stupid new reebok sneaker (poor support, slightly off-center base) and a wet poorly groomed surface caused it, but then, i chose to put that sneaker on and run recklessly on the wet surface...

sucks sucks sucks...

:}

so how's your body? :)

too much information

the internet provides way too much information... so yesterday i was aching and concerned, but taking my time and icing and elevating and monitoring... that's pretty much 90% of what a doctor will do, having worked emergency rooms where i treated many sprained ankles and lots of other much more serious injuries... and then i start refreshing my memory and and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and reading... and maybe too much reading... so today there is no weight on the ankle at all and i am considering the doctor tomorrow... but i don't want to go to the doctor... if i even had one... it's not a fear of doctors, it's the black hole money pit that is the medical system i do not want to enter... so now i am torn... i mean, how could the ankle or foot be broken if i played a game and a half, pitching, running to first a few times, and walking around for more than two hours after twisting the ankle?... makes no sense... it's just the swelling and aftermath pain of a grade 1 sprain, right?... or a grade two, but that would be a longer healing time and i don't want that... no more, please...

ok, in the morning i will consider if a trip to a doctor is worth it... body thoughts suck sometimes...

did i just break my ankle?

well, that was the initial body thought after turning the ankle about 90 degrees thanks to a crappy field condition while running to first... a slippery spot just before reaching first base is about as stupid as grounds keeping can get, but stupider is running into it just to try to beat out a ground ball... so i played the rest of the game with increasing pain and then played the second game of the double header and had to run to first every time i was up cuz my swing was way off cuz i could not put pressure on my left foot... pitching wasn't easy either since, well, most things in sports require two feet for planting, pivoting, and pushing off... so i played on one foot as much as possible...

i did not play in the third game scheduled for three hours later, and the foot does not want to be walked on at all now, five hours after that... major swelling and pain... i will decided whether i want to spend money on doctors and xrays tomorrow... i've seen enough ankle sprains to know they can be even more painful and visually gruesome than a foot bone break, but i wanna play friday so it better get well fast...

yeah, but i don't just vege ya know

i mean, just to be fair and balanced in this record of the body experience (the body wants more, but it is honest too), and the body tells me that i do more than vege... i play softball several times a week most weeks throughout the year and i don't jog, i run the bases and feel the burn and want more... i wish i could play every day cuz i love the game and when i play double headers i want to play a third every time, even when i am tired... and i love running 5Ks when i sign up for them, but i do not sign up nearly enough... i love tennis, racquetball, and basketball when jackson or someone has time to play... so the fair and balanced record is that i am more active, a lot more active than the average person, especially when we look at average ages and demographics and all... still, not nearly enough exercise to satisfy me or keep the body in the condition most comfortable so all this fair and balanced crap is bull... but at least it's part of the record, aye?... posterity, ya know?...

and the body says... more exercise please :}

it is too easy to vege

especially when the love of writing draws me to sit for hours at the laptop tapping the keys, but not only that, the SPAM volume and internet distractions can take so much time away from active activities (as i spend an hour deleting emails tonight as i type these words realizing how much pigging out i have done lately and how work gets in the way of good rest, good sleep, and good exercise even more than the writing or distractions or laziness does, alas, the world is set up to kill us before we truly get to live and long before we have to die, probably because human beings would not be able to live peacefully given too much free time, at least not at our current evolutionary state, alas, alack, cha cha cha)...

perhaps i will survive the year and change my ways before it is too late...

there is always hope :}