are we april fools?

i believe i qualify... but let me clear something up once and for all, or at least for the moment, before i go off on a self-deprecating rant once again... i am, purely and deeply and most of all completely, in love with myself... there is no doubt, no insecurity, no hesitation, no resistance, no question about it... i love myself with all i am, my whole heart, mind, anima, everything... yes, even this body...

now, a good case can be made for my self-loathing when it comes to how i care for this body... gorgeous fit people might claim, based on conscious awareness of the experience of this physical life when in an optimized body, that i am a fool (and not just in april) for the way i care for this body and there is no way i show this body honest love... maybe... i might say the same, knowing what i know from being where i've been (and no, it was not another life)... but then, i think i've learned and now know better...

in a word, balance...

the extreme fitness and dietary restrictions i once lived by to keep this body (and it's physical sensory apparatus) in optimnal condition was exciting, fun, and often quite wondrous but it was also even lonelier than any other experience in this life because no one shared the high for the right reasons, for reasons i could trust... there was always too much ego in the mix, mine included, and always too much external locus of control in everyone i ever met (the fact that i have almost none doesn't sway me in the least, right?)...

anyway (to cut this rather siddenly short), all this to say i am an idiot at times, foolish stupid and self-desdtructive at times, and the odds are very much suggesting that i will not live in this body as long as i could because if the 20-30 extra pounds i carry around (though personally i think 10+ pounds of that excess weight is/are water-sacks in my kidneys, but we can leave that for when i have health insurance again if i ever do before the body ceases to function, aye?) and the intermittent exercise i do... and while i can easily say, "hey, at least i do exercise, playing softball 5+ times a week, it's not exercise in the way i know exercise... it's been a very long time since i experienced the euphoria of runner's high... but anyway, who knows, all that running and exercise i used to do and others do just might be wearing the body out even faster than the bhudda way... i have proof that i have created joint issues by repetitive exercise over the years, so... who knows, ya know?...

what i do know is the euphoria i get from foods, while it does not replace the euphoria i runner's high, is still euphoria and the body loves it... and there's sexual euphoria too, which i would be happy to share with someone who appeals to libido and you don't even have to be a lottery winner or independently wealthy, nyuk nyuk, sigh... the point is, seriously, i am foolish on some levels for getting lazy and reducing my physical energy level and diminishing my physical experience in this life, but it's not all stupidity... just some (snark)...

any other april fools wanna come running with me anytime soon? :)