belly bloat

yeah, again, the belly bloat was quite noticeable as i tried to swing the bat at softball today as my arms felt like lead weights and my belly taunted my back and so i barely swung cuz i did not want to strain anything further than already strained by the belly bloat and while pitching went fine, i must reduce the belly bloat and strengthen my core and upper body if i want to actually hit with any consitency and reasonable power... so says the body, core, torso, and arms especially... we did win both games and i walked twice and would have walked a third time if i wanted to but the last time up we were up something like 19-3 so i just swung at a bad pitch with a 3-1 count and lined the ball at the second baseman who dropped it but the runner on first did not run and therefore was tagged out... shows up late, misses the first game, complains all game, and no hustle, but i didn't say anything to her as we won big... my focus remains on the belly bloat s it should... tomorrow...

what?

here i am again and my first thought was that i haven't been here in a while and i see i was here yesterday and that may be a sign of being overworked out of touch and losing my mind (as if it ever was all mind in the first place, as if it could be anybody else's, as if my self-mockery isn't thinly disguised arrogance, or perhaps the insecurity and helpless whining is the facade that keeps me amused {and alone} while i am waiting for the one cha cha cha) and doggonit, tired...

lately the neck, upper and lower, has been paining kind of naggingly enough to have a queasy stomach at times and even a frontal lobe headache now and then and did i the occasional foot cramps... fatigue, definitely, but i wonder what else... core muscle weakness, probably, but else?... eating one meal a day late at night and sleeping uncomfortably in a recliner or lumpy bed covered in dirty laundry?... likely... too much time sitting at a computer staring at a screen typing and moving a mouse?... ding ding ding, i think we have a winner... though the other things too...

like, ummm, maybe blood pressure (did i say that?)...

and yet, the mind and heart and core me wants to write and share even if the body cannot keep up with it... help me if you can i'm feeling down, la la la la.... so how are you? :}

bloaty belly

softball started up again tonight and i noticed the bloated belly has become a fixture the last few weeks as i work 12+ hour days without food and then eat and nod off when i get home and though it did wake in the middle of the night and make it to the gym again since the last entry here, it's fatigue from overwork and eating one meal late and lack of sleep that's getting to me and no writing, creativity, sharing, and loving that is missing big time and so the body bloats... and yet, i wear large shirts comfortable, which means i am not as big as i get when i must wear extra large shirts only... maybe i'm getting smaller as i age... anybody wanna grow older with me? (cuz we're not gonna grow old, right?)... alas, the rub is that there's nobody around my age who plays softball and basketball and runs and stays up all night and still parties like a little kid and most younger folk just don't have the experience to understand and while their little bodies are cute, there's so much more going on in my mind than anybody else i know so... is this body talk? lol lam :)

three in a row

this is one hundred entries for this body thoughts blog and the recent reawakening has now gone on for three consecutive days and while only getting 4-5 hours sleep, i feel more energized and in a better state of mind, though the muscle fatigue is building up and i must remember the heart is a muscle that needs rest and when it cramps, look out, so i shall try to get more sleep tomorrow night (just seem to be waking at shortly before 3AM and the brain filled with thoughts, too many thoughts of the overwhelming workload at work, unfortunately, it is not ready for more sleep so it drags the body to the gym, which is good, and here we are again)... happy brain, the body says balance, please :)

gym two

so wise or not, i am not in the second night of going to the gym in the middle of the night instead of going back to sleep after waking from my approximately four hour name in the living room chair and while i hope i am not waking jackson or happiness and i hope i am not in the way nodding off in the living room and i do not believe i am as she sleeps with a fan on and goes to bed early i still must go with this recently rather sudden remotivation to exercise again and if i focus on anything else i might distract myself and let the laziness take the wheel and so i continue, i hope, and eat more earlier and less later and hope...

almost attraction, bloat, drag, habits, lam, lonely, muscle burn, pathetic, plea, pushing, ridiculoso, sensuality, smile, stupid, survive, waste, but not quite, aye?...

tired much? :)

didn't die

just drifted away into oblivion when it comes to body awareness and such as i poured all the holiday foods down the throat and piled on more than ten pounds since i last thought about coming here... and tonight i woke in the middle of the night and went to the gym instead of going back to sleep and here we are, redidicated?... well, at least a bit more awake...

if i say/write that i will be back under 180 pounds when this year ends and stay they for good this time, will that mean i will be dead at the end of this year (that is one way to get under 180 for good, aye?) or does that mean i will finally take the life i've got left seriously on the physical plane again?...

you know what will tell :)