must focus on me

waking to help jackson wake up and start her day with energy backfired on me as after an hour just to get her out of bed and then an hour of trying to motivate her to take and walk and exercise and then an hour of wondering how to do a better job of getting her to do what she says she really wants to do (wake up early, exercise, get work done, and most of all focus on getting these and other things done), i somehow lost my focus and interest in doing a speed walk... partly due to my back stiffening up and partly due to the fact that i had two softball games to play tonight and partly because i was disillusioned amd partly because i am empathic and absorb energy levels around me, i skipped another day...

tonight, however, i excelled at softball... pitching great (only one non-intentional walk in two games), hitting great (5 for 6 in two games, five rbi, 4 runs), fielding very good (just twice my arm got in the way of a throw to first from the third base side), also pinch ran three times and scored all three times... running better, faster, with less fatigue... so two weeks of the speed walking definitely has results already and i am not even getting serious about pacing and sprint work... or jogging or running., for that matter... so even though i skipped the morning, good news today...

continue...

tentative re-start

still some definite stiffness in all leg muscles and lower back muscles... pain in lower leg muscles even at a slightly slower pace (could be the slightly slower pace was asking more from the lower leg muscles)... completeted five laps... could have gone further and probably would have walked through the lower leg pain, but the back needs to be ok for two softball games tomorrow and one on sunday, so no pushing... 34:33 total time... lap times: 7:00, 6:53, 6:54, 6:58, 6:46... 2.87 miles total distance... 12:02 average mile time... 5.0 mph average speed... max speed 12.2 mph... lap speeds 4,4, 5.1, 5.0, 5.0, 5.4 mph...

though i remind myself that the gps based measurements are not as precise as i'd like (based on fluctuations between workout measurements... for instance, the first lap distance is always less than most others... today it was .52 miles... second lap was .58 miles, third lap .58, 4th lap .58, fifth lap .61... lap speed obviously affects distance measured even though i am walking the same sidewalk path)... so this thing is telling me that i can walk a 5K in under 40 minutes without a struggle... that would be surprising based on the 5Ks i've run/walked in the past two years, but we shall see when i do my next 5K... none planned, but there is a 4th of july 5K coming up i should remember to check out...

no pain with movement anywhere, just some stiffness... so it may be mostly stiffness after sitting causing the extreme back pain... hopefully that is passing... there will be a bit more sitting today than there was yesterday (maybe ten minutes in 10 hours yesterday), so we shall see if the pain is passing or increasing or decreasing throughout the day...

be careful moving today and continue...

resting the back, sort of

ok, so i skipped two mornings because the back said so and today it's much better, though still quite uncooperative when i want to stand up... once standing i walk fine and can run if i want to... i've been on my feet walking around, cooking, doing things around the house for the last eight hours and while there's mild stiffness, it's nothing too far out of the ordinary for standing and walking eight hours without sitting... i intend to be back to the speed walking (i figured it was accurate to call a 5mph walk a speed walk, it seems less pretentious than power walk, ya know?)... i suppose i ought to read up on it to avoid injury and know the best ways and equipment and so on)... anyway, until i start jogging again, i shall continue (there's always hope)...

the shoulder is not quite ready for upper body work but i must push the physical therapy (careful stretching and exercising the muscles) cuz the arm pain now is likely more due to atrophy and also lesions and/or inflammation due to the age of the muscles and bones... hopefully it's not becoming bursitis or any of the other itises... ah, the brain still plays like the body is a teenager... shhhh, don't tell lol lam...

don't let it stop

yes... in spite of waking with stiff muscles and a cramping lumbar issue that makes it very painful to go from sitting to standing and can actually immobilize me if i try to get up too quickly or move the wrong way, i went out walking anyway... while walking the back loosened up enough to keep up a reasonable pace, but no actually running... the belly puts much stress on the lumbar so dropping the belly is essential so exercise is essential, but carefully... and rest between exercise...

the tracker app says 60:53 for nine laps... each of the laps 6:47; 6:58; 7:03; 6:57; 6:51; 6:43; 6:35; 6:24; 6:30... total distance 4.88 miles... average speed 4.8 mph, fastest lap 5.0 mph... max speed 7.0 mph... 462 calories... average mile pace 12:28...

continue, carefully...

back on track

walking, yes indeed... and yes, hoping, always hoping... but musical fantasies and wishes and hopes aside, starting almost 24 hours earlier than last week after an almost 2 day break for rest and decadence (actually just skipped one night), i went back out for a morning walk... sun was up this time, which was different... air temps cooler (63 degrees with 84% humidity) though... according to the new tracker app, which definitely has it's gps flaws, the lap times were 6:23; 6:33; 6:29; 6:21; 6:30; 7:08; 6:35; 6:10... so total 52:13 for 8 laps... and it says i did 4.43 miles and averaged 5.1 mph with the fastest lap 5.6 mph... other data it provides includes 11:48 average mile time, 13.5 mph max speed... 493 calories burned...

the tracker has a lot to offer but it will take a bit of getting used to... stepping a few yards to the left or the right during the walk (like out into the street to avoid dog walkers) seems to change the distance measured and the speed so the shortest times and not recorded as the fastest laps... but it's not like i'm training for the olympics or trying to qualify for a world record, right?...

continue, dangit...

changing patterns

so in the past however many hours i slept on and off and feel somewhat refreshed, i did not exercise, and i ate canned pasta and frozen meatballs and melted processed cheeses and more (ketchup and butter spread, of course) and processed meats and chocolate milk... it is quite simply amazing what can happen in a bowl when ingredients, even canned and pre-processed ingredients, are microwaved for ten or fifteen minutes... yeah, amazing, right... i did not do the sweat-shower and did not do anything to cause excessive perspiration, however i did cut water intake from over a gallon a day to about a quart a day... no caffeine though... no soda (high sugar content in chocolate milk though)... sleep has been broken into shorter cycles and a 24+ hour no sleep period occurred in the past 48 hours... the body results seem repeatable...

the kidneys produced the reddish granular sedimentary stuff that at best tickles the urethra, creates a relatively constant sensation of needing to urinate, and causes discomfort in the kidneys and along the path to the urethra and at worst hurts like hell as the larger granules attempt to pass through the tube... other symptoms include a runny nose, which has occurred, and headaches, body aches, stomach aches, diarrhea, nausea, and hemorrhoids, which have not occurred (at least not yet)...

and another

and the phone as a stopwatch is not working... mot anything the phone is doing, just the buttons are on the screen and tonight without the dog to distract me, i still managed to press the reset button during the semi-sprint to the end of the fifth lap... that lead me to decide to do no more laps and also to re-evaluate the value of a $100+ purchase of a gps wrist watch that would be out of the way, monitor my heart rate, keep time, and tell me how far i walked/jogged/ran...

five laps (estimated) in 6:19, 6:14, 6:10, 6:11, 5:45... breathing 4-4 for the first 3 laps, 3-3 the last 2 laps, including the brief sprint... 72 degrees, 94% humidity... improvement and i could have kept an under 7 minute pace for another five laps, so the muscle memories and stamina are noticing i am moving in a forward direction again... i stopped not just cuz of the phone but also because i do have two softball games tonight and i do not want to overdo the leg muscles in the first week (especially in case i don't sleep much today)...

so if i keep this up for the rest of the month the goal shall be sub 30 minutes for 5 laps and soon after, sub 60 minutes for 10 laps... enough about goals (wash them right out of the head) because there is a long history of stopping before i really get started (i am not actually jogging yet, after all... in fact, for my future self-shame, the only jog tonight was the brief sprint from the entrance to the community to the first turn in the sidewalk where i stop and head home)... still, improvement and continuing so... please continue...

almost four

i did walk a long walk (an hour and a half) but did not push the pace cuz harpo was with me... he asked to go for a walk so instead of my fast walk around the community we took a slightly more leisurely walk (up to 434 and back here)... so i can count this as a fourth night, especially since i played two games of softball and ran around the bases a few times and pitched both games and swung the bat a few dozen times (at least a couple of dozen to warm up) and so... continue...

third night

so i actually have not opened the run log spreadsheet since january 17th... i have walk/run since then and some are probably in this body blog, but i just completely forgot... lost touch... vegetated that part of my brain... and that goes for this body blog too, alas... not recording the exercise is a sign that i am not taking the exercise seriously... dangit... fricking fracking dangit too... anyway, night three in a row of putting on the running clothes and heading out for a walk went ok... and fan blowing on the left shoulder/neck or whatever, thirty minutes after it at this computer the cramping starts again... just the left neck so far, whatever it is... still, third night of exercise with all (or most) of the excuses staring me down i still went out and did six laps, this is a good thing... now if i do this and improve each week for a year, maybe i'll live another few decades... or maybe i'll die this year trying to live another few decades... sardonic or morbid, it's one of those dry senses of humor... unfortunately, the times are estimated because the dog ate the stopwatch... ok, not really, but sorta...

meanwhile, the body says come on man, what's up with the belly... it still feels bloated and all i've eaten in two days is two cans of soup, two yogurts, about two ounces of pasta, and two 100 calorie bags of popcorn... pooping just fine, so it's certainly not constipation... so maybe i do have a few tumors growing inside the abdomen, huh?... could be the kidneys are five times their normal size... or maybe it's just gonna take weeks to drop the bloat (it used to take just a few days and most of this life, a day... sheesh, i have let the body bloat up the past years... ridiculous stupidity or something growing inside, time will tell... no, i don't think i'm pregnant...

estimated times tonight due to a doggie glitch, dangit... so six laps in 39:59... 6:49; 7:07; 6:50; 6:47; 6:04; 6:22... yeah, continue...

healthier diet, sort of

reducing caffeine to almost nil in the past few weeks... ordering water with lemon when i eat out (have to have some sort of social life even if it is not in the budget) and not buying caffeine for softball games either... felt the fatigue this sunday, but the 90 plus degree heat and broken sleep probably had more to do with it than caffeine loss... a fresh food natural diet would be better than the canned stuff, but the budget must be maintained these days as i am paying for two and not working, so balance the canned stuff and hope for the best... must increase salads... the good news is no caffeine headache and hopefully the kick start of exercise will not bring those on... balance, diet, healthy, focus, and so on...

more walk/run tonight?... we shall see...

another day two

actually night two as i am taking advantage of the free time i enjoy these days by exercising at night... and six laps in 39:13.1... 6:29.4; 6:34.1; 6:28.6; 6:32.9; 6:08.2; 6:59.9... ate a can of vegetarian soup and a pack of instant oatmeal and a 4 ounce yogurt today... balanced, but that is all the calories i wanted to take in... got to reduce the body mass as the 30+ pounds i am over my healthy weight is all in the body... topped 220 in the past few weeks, which is sloppy lazy unhealthy and feeling like crap land... still running and playing softball well, but just too much belly for comfort...

the humidity was 96% out there so even 70 degrees seemed somewhat thick for breathing, but persevere i did anyway... and as i was mostly walking, no shin splint or other pains, just the usual strains... 30 minutes after though the left neck was cramping something fierce, maybe from the chill in the house, maybe it's not just muscle (thyroid?) and who knows... enough to have me leave the typing here and stretch elsewhere...

please continue...

returning from laziness?

there's always hope... stepping away from jackson's lack of drive to exercise (sliding into the energy level of those closest to me is an old habit that needs to stop for now as i need to be a lot more exercise-active daily than anyone in daily life nearby) and using the external influences as an excuse is really so old, it should have dead a thousand times over (and hopefully will this time before it kills me... yeah, the body says so)... must reenergize, must refocus, must return to my energy level again (or as close as this body can stand it now)... so i've carved out a lap around this community that gives me a time that will make me quite happy if it was a mile lap so the times now are not so depressing (but it's likely less than half a mile, in fact, might be more like three tenths of a mile, so we won't mention this particular delusion until we get the lap down under 4 minutes and then maybe we'll reassess reality, m'ok?)...

yeah, so in 71 degrees with 94% humidity, ten laps in 65:52.2... 6:41.8; 6:45.6; 6:38.8; 6:44.6; 6:04.7; 6:47.5; 6:42.1; 6:32.7; 6:57.1; 5:55.4... please continue...

yes, better week

walked with a touch of jogging an almost 5k (about three miles or so i believe it is three times around crane's roost, a park nearby) for a charity walk to promote children's mental health and felt good after... continued the water intake until a couple of days ago and the last few days i've had milk and some caffeine, but very little caffeine... sugar the past two days in desserts... ate meat and all sorts of foods this week... all seems to be status quo, that is, i know my kidneys are there and have stones in them and bubbles of sort, but no extra pain, no signs of infection, and minimal signs of stones... so yay...

tinnitus continues as the constant companion for my left ear... left neck aches continue on and off almost daily... right bicep continuing to improve and can throw overhand very gingerly (still not throwing overhand in games... the arm aches after pitching, but less than last week)... range of motion continues to improve... still standing most of the time and laying down when not standing... sitting only when visiting friends or eating out... liking this minimal sitting thing... the rhoid or pollup thing comes and goes, occasional irritation but no blood or pain... overall fatigue level is a bit higher than in past years at times, yet simultaneously feel more rested than i've been in more than a decade...

and that's the latest news from the body... good news, mostly :)

maybe it's the garllic

and the extra water... but anyway, as the weekend continued the blood was less and the healing appears to be happening, the infection seems to be fading... played softball last night and while fatigue and body stress was evident, all went well and that is a big yay... resting is good, but so is the standing and i am going to do a lot more standing (set up the laptop on a box so i can type standing) and walking every day, like many hours more than i have been doing... that will hopefully help the rhoid too, which may be a pollup and not a rhoid as it is sticking around and coming and going and not bleeding... also have been consuming garlic in large quantities in gelcaps and in food and the natural antibiotic properties may be helping the body fight the infection... anyway, good news, i'm not dead yet :)

stay strong :)

and today, there's more

more blood in the urine, that is... passed a clot late last night and the darkness of the urine is suggesting a tear in the tubing or even an infection, the latter being supported by the feeling of infection in the body the past day or two and the overall kidney and digestive issues going on for a couple of weeks now... definitely not fun and if i had health insurance (broken record, huh?), i'd probably head to a doctor for a urinalysis and maybe even blood work and i would even consider antibiotics, but for now, i muddle through... hopefully there will not be a sudden flare up emergency during the off hours when the cheaper clinics are closed... think positive, except for the blahs and the ehs and the discomfort and the occasional pains, i seem to be surviving... it's the duration that has me a bit perturbed... not to mention to lingering rhoids (though the standing definitely seems to be helping back there, the increase in exercise and changes in diet and tapping into the fat stores is probably giving the kidneys and liver fits)... and a bit of a headache too... wonder if i have a fever... no clue where my thermometer might be... might be a good day to unpack and sort through all the bathroom boxes and bags, aye?... it really is time for a complete check up, but...

so still doing the standing thing, that is, not sitting... i mean, if i was working i'd be standing and walking a lot, so it makes sense to get up, stand up, and walk around a lot... and still eating healthier... no sugar-waters (soda, pop, juice, etc), light on the spices, lean foods, and smaller portions, mostly... come on body, adjust to the change (and survive, survival would be good too :)

cycling symptoms

so i ate lighter and rested and drank lots of water and no soda for a few days and it's another evening of granular kidney stones so i am not sure what's causing them... and one is stuck so there's a constant feeling of needing to pee even though i am all peed out... and some blood cuz every now and then the granules slice some tissue and then the itching and healing and burning and all that good stuff... bodies aren't always pretty, ya know?... and the gas...

yeah, i know, real bad timing all this happening when i am not working and don't have health insurance and am hoping nothing is seriously going on that should be checked out now instead of later when i am working with health insurance again... it's a gamble... but i am hitting the ball better and running better and feeling fine playing ball and so on, so whatever is going on in the body it is not hurting the overall performance... yeah, that's the justification for not going to the medical profession...

paging dr. house :}

lingering rhiods

as unpleasant as it may be to read, i assure you it is more unpleasant to feel... how long is it now, two weeks, longer?... this is the longest a hemorrhoid has lingered and it is time for change, action, something... i would visit a doctor if i had health insurance, i mean, this could be a sudden tumor that is going to kill me in a few months, right?... yeah, i already told myself to shut up... the least i can do, however, is stop sitting on it... i sit altogether too much for good health anyway these days, so no more sitting today... and for a few days... after all, i have the luxury of not having to go to work, use it for good... i will lay on my side when i tire, but the body can also use more exercise so i will stay on my feet for at least a few hours and most of the time... there are boxes to rearrange and unpack and put into storage... the laptop is on a box above waist level, so any typing or browsing i do will be standing... and besides, it's a beautiful day... walk, enjoy, cure the rhoids!...

how are you? :)

lost touch again

lots of body thoughts have passed since the last entry, but i vegged out and hardly came near any of my blogs since then... partly the kidneys as stones have been passing with lots of sediment, the latest was a really big one today... asymmetrical about a quarter inch... reddish and it crumbled easily, so still seems to be uric acid stones and sediment... and then the rhoids are lingering and this is a first... usually they go away with day or at most a few days of butt meds... i believe the kidney issues play a role in the lingering... in any case, sitting is definitely not a comfortable position and the constant feeling of needing to pee is quite distracting so writing as been minimal... so i used facebook and the news as a distraction... sad world out there... even sadder how some react to it...

still pitching and playing softball though... maybe the universe knows, but most games have been rained out during the past three weeks... played this week though, won two tonight and lost two on wednesday... hitting ok, pitching oj, not up to my standards but everybody's happy with it... sunday i had a streak of no outs in five weeks going but flew out to end that in my last at bat this sunday... pushing the body is how i deal with challenges... drinking tons of water... working on foods i choose and more than anything smaller more frequent meals... eating once a day may be one of the triggers for the kidneys and maybe even pointing me toward diabetes... the check up will come when i get health insurance again...

the body laughs and cries and curses me and wants to be nursed... can't always get what you want, so i give myself what i need... and that's the physical experience update for now... for the record... for me... and for anyone who cares... hope life is smiling for you and your body :}

big one passed

didn't catch it cuz i was half asleep (and that is what was and still is needed most, long deep sleep), but a big kidney stone finally made it out... that was how many days?... more than 2 as in more than 48 hours... the worst of this started saturday during the day, so almost 60 hours, but i think this actually started thursday during the day and it is possible this started with the hemmorhoids last week or whenever they started and even longer before that when jackson came home with the flu, though the symptoms of the flu and kidney stones or kidney infection can be so similar... the flaring of the external hemmorhoid is more than prior incidents, though it did seem to get worse as the blockage did... and who knows if it's done...

and here's the even more annoying rub... once again, coincidence or causality, but definitely consistent correlation, an attempt at getting back in shape triggers the stones... formation, perhaps, though i know i have some in there )in the kidneys) and there's no reason to suspect more haven't formed over the years since the last check... movement most definitely... maybe because there are poisons stored in the fat cells... definitely because the body flushes more liquid when i run... this time it only took two days in a row... and i blamed the pizza... but then, nitrates and cheeses and tomatoes and spices also correlate and may play a role... and the exercise... and the hot steamy showers (which came first, cuz they certainly help more than anything else)... anyway, it all came together and at least one big stone passed and the urge to pee that subsided slightly (which usually happens when a stone moves into the bladder) and reawoke big time about six hours ago when diarrhea maximized and urine was definitely blocked (nausea grew to the point where i actually consumed some pepto-bismol, an extremely rare occurrence for me) seems to have passed too, at least for the moment... and the hemmorhoid and diarrhea?... could be everything is numb... definitely not marathon ready...

overall exhaustion, numbness, lots of burps, hopefully done, but...

time will tell...

ouch, phew

a very rough night... kidney stones or food poisoning, but food poisoning would show up right away, not twelve hours later... and is food poisoning localized the the kidney to bladder path?... still, i threw out the half a pizza leftover and you know that is an extreme rarity... it is possible the meats were not cooked enough as two of them were older... kidney stones were more still likely the culprit for the rough night... the chills, clammy skin, nausea, diarrhea, headache, gas at both ends, and most of all localized pain along the path from the kidney to the bladder... except for the latter though, it could have been food poisoning... just didn't effect the digestive tract until the exit end... the stomach passes everything along... steamy hot showers helped, but the pain returned and woke me... sleep came in spurts, waking every hour due to the kidney or arm or so to urinate... it was a rough night for the body...

still woke and headed to play softball... gotta keep living :}

another day two

asking how many day twos there have been over the years might be depressing (might?) but hey, i've never been one to shy away from a good depression... still, it would take too long to search just the records i've kept and have with me and the point would be beating a dead horse (he's not dead yet) so at least there is another day two which is a whole lot better than not having another day two since a pause is inevitable and healthy... always find the positive spin and you may never spin out of control... or something like that...

all philosophy and the like aside, 5 laps, 31:59.4 total time... lap 1 5:59.1, lap 2 6:18.3, lap 3 6:33.1, lap 4 6:59;5, lap 5 6:10.4... more strain slight pain left shin, more strain overall, slight pain right pectoral, slight strain right biceps, slight strain 1st lap abs, overall leg fatigue and lung fatigue... higher/faster lactic acid build up... rhoids sore, improving... warmer temps, higher humidity... 74 degrees, 94% humidity... heavy air... passing red gravel kidney stones and sediment yesterday... ate red meat and spices yesterday... considered resting today what with two softball games tonight but woke and dressed and headed out in a bit of a blur, so yay i think...

continue...

no, really?...

five laps, whatever a lap is... @5:10 the first, @7:23.6 the second, 5:53.7 the third, 6:27.1 the fourth, and 5:56.4 the fifth... somehow i ought to measure the lap, and yet, why isa fair question... until i am actually running them, it's a relatively moot point... i actually jogged most of the first and the time might have been closer to 4:30, but i did not reset the laps until the second lap so oh well, better to start at a more reasonable lap time since i walked most of the second lap due to the push in the first... goal, for what goals are worth, is a 4 minute laps time... bigger goal, for what bigger goals are worth, is 6 laps in 30 minutes... goal that might just begin to satisfy me is 10 laps in 30 minutes, if i live so long... the lap is not flat and has some challenging inclines and a few corners, but it'll do until i expand to a bigger lap (or a change of direction) when muscles request it... overall, no major pain... some pain in right arm, right chest (caught a high po-up with my pectoral muscle today... ouch)... mild strain in right achilles and left ankle... no strain, no gain... sing the song, bang the drum, la la la...

so it took how long?... more than two months to get to even a partial run in this new blip blip ding ding ding... excuse me, windows defender glitch... ok, so the foolish self destruct button continues to be my favorite toy as if daring anyone to notice and care is the way to find the one, or a true friend, even... who's the idiot?...

oh, and 30:50.8 total 5 lap time... meanwhile, the rhoid is only slightly better... hopefully it is a rhoid, after all... no blood, just tenderness and pain to the touch... aren't you glad you asked?...

narf :}

another year older and so on

not so much deeper in debt, just draining savings like there's no tomorrow cuz my roommie isn't sharing any bills lately, like since december, and while she's one of my best friends and my adopted family, having a roommate was supposed to help both of us, not just her... feeling the stress in the body, so it is mentioned here... and feeling the years pass more deeply, which is nothing new, but mentioned here because i had a birthday pass between the last entry and this one... jackson took me to an inexpensive chinese buffet i like with some friends... i see where some of her money goes these days, she apparently treats her girlfriend a lot... and i get poorer... what a whiner, huh?... well, fatigue here... happiness just woke me... he gets so needy when she is away and she stays over at her girlfriend's a lot lately... more drain on the body, physically, less sleep... wah wah wah... see what you get when i am woken up in the middle of the night when i wanted to be sleeping?... let that be a lesson for you, i mean, for the next time you sleep over... of course if i wanted to be awake, that would be a completely different bouncy story (weak snicker)... did i mention i am not enjoying a rare external hemorrhoid?... i don't remember having one on the outside before and it hurts more than any of the inside ones i occasionally get... sitting sucks... walking is not always fun... it's really a pain in the ass... no wonder i am whining, huh?... so what did the universe get you for your birthday?...

are we laughing at me?...

and for your birthday

ok then, besides dinner (if you really must knew my dark side), the universe gave me hemerrhoids... or at least one... external, no less... more painful than internal, especially when sitting, pooping, wiping, bathing, running, walking, bending, farting, rolling over, and, i imagine, anal sex (though i am not into the rear entry pleasures some seem to live for, so i wouldn't know)... in any case, it is more annoying than painful most of the time... and not as gross as it might seem... it was amusing to ask jackson to pick up stuff from the pharmacy for me... she said next time she needs sanitary napkins she's sending me... gotta find humor even in painful anal itch...

i know, you just had to scan back and find this entry... hey, i was kind, i back dated it and slipped in in here when you were not looking, after all... it really isn't funny... but we laugh anyway...

hope you got something more fun from the universe for your birthday :)

are we april fools?

i believe i qualify... but let me clear something up once and for all, or at least for the moment, before i go off on a self-deprecating rant once again... i am, purely and deeply and most of all completely, in love with myself... there is no doubt, no insecurity, no hesitation, no resistance, no question about it... i love myself with all i am, my whole heart, mind, anima, everything... yes, even this body...

now, a good case can be made for my self-loathing when it comes to how i care for this body... gorgeous fit people might claim, based on conscious awareness of the experience of this physical life when in an optimized body, that i am a fool (and not just in april) for the way i care for this body and there is no way i show this body honest love... maybe... i might say the same, knowing what i know from being where i've been (and no, it was not another life)... but then, i think i've learned and now know better...

in a word, balance...

the extreme fitness and dietary restrictions i once lived by to keep this body (and it's physical sensory apparatus) in optimnal condition was exciting, fun, and often quite wondrous but it was also even lonelier than any other experience in this life because no one shared the high for the right reasons, for reasons i could trust... there was always too much ego in the mix, mine included, and always too much external locus of control in everyone i ever met (the fact that i have almost none doesn't sway me in the least, right?)...

anyway (to cut this rather siddenly short), all this to say i am an idiot at times, foolish stupid and self-desdtructive at times, and the odds are very much suggesting that i will not live in this body as long as i could because if the 20-30 extra pounds i carry around (though personally i think 10+ pounds of that excess weight is/are water-sacks in my kidneys, but we can leave that for when i have health insurance again if i ever do before the body ceases to function, aye?) and the intermittent exercise i do... and while i can easily say, "hey, at least i do exercise, playing softball 5+ times a week, it's not exercise in the way i know exercise... it's been a very long time since i experienced the euphoria of runner's high... but anyway, who knows, all that running and exercise i used to do and others do just might be wearing the body out even faster than the bhudda way... i have proof that i have created joint issues by repetitive exercise over the years, so... who knows, ya know?...

what i do know is the euphoria i get from foods, while it does not replace the euphoria i runner's high, is still euphoria and the body loves it... and there's sexual euphoria too, which i would be happy to share with someone who appeals to libido and you don't even have to be a lottery winner or independently wealthy, nyuk nyuk, sigh... the point is, seriously, i am foolish on some levels for getting lazy and reducing my physical energy level and diminishing my physical experience in this life, but it's not all stupidity... just some (snark)...

any other april fools wanna come running with me anytime soon? :)

forgetting or ignoring

laying in agony too tired to do the exercise or stand the hot steam shower than might ease the pains and let me get comfortable night after night is quite the foolish choice especially when i know better, or at least i say so... and so the last few days i grew the belly and except for softball (did great, 3 for 3, 4 rbi, scored, ran well, pitched well, we won... took a slam on my right arch which is sore, but kicked the ball toward first and prevented a run from scoring... and started a triple play by snagging a low line drive at shoe level, so the body had fun for a few hours and did good)... i could/should be doing more exercise... and eating a bit less... doing more... but the lazy relaxing vacation time is so sweet... except when the body aches... sleep more... and when awake, keep moving fool, and move more... right...

narf :)

naturally unexpected

aching neck, throbbing arm, extreme fatigue, and then, nutella... craving chocolate, i found nutella in the cupboard, and the chocolate was the next level after the bacon cheese burgers and fries... the flood of calories increased the blood pressure and the neck ache and i laid back and started pumping my legs... gradually, the neck stopped hurting, the arm stopped hurting, a bit of muscle memory started returning, and an hour later, here we are... clothing drenched with perspiration, but feeling much better... remembering that sometimes the best exercise came after passing the over-tired-wired fatigue stage in spite of concerns of over-doing, heart failure. even death... and exercise relieves the neck pain... and the body hope for more...

looping rather foolishly

eating out of frustration is a very foolish choice and while i do not allow the foolishness to reach the proportions that the average human allows, i do allow the foolishness to interfere with the optimal experience in this physical life... it has been a long time, relatively speaking (as time is relative), since i experienced the optimal... it would be much simpler and easier without the frustrations or, in the physical world, if i was not spending so much more money than i should, which feed the frustrations... but this is the path i have chosen... to be human... frail... foibled... falable... and foolishly ignorant of the solutions to the conundrums i allowed to for around me...

what this does to the body is not a pretty picture...

anybody understand?...

scratch that

last night instead of going to bed without eating i ate a whole frozen pizza with extra cheese and stayed up all night and today i ate taco bell and so, the belly is back... it was going down (it only takes a few days for the big bump to go down, the body bloat from waist to chin takes as long as it takes to drop the 30+ pounds it weighs, but the belly bloat was on it's way down and hopefully i will refocus on that after tomorrow... especially since the body is calling me out here, very disappointed in me, alas, and the choices...

keep me in touch, ok body?...

hope, perhaps

ok, as is the case is often the case with the head case i can be, i subtly decided semi-consciously to eat less and maybe lighter and drop some of the excess weight because i reach the highest end of the max-weight limits beyond which the discomforts are more annoying than any diet or exercise can be (but let's not make any big deal out of it just yet, ok?)... luckily that is only about 40 pounds above the ideal weight set for this body (set be a compromise between the charts and graphs of modern science and the more important sensory apparatus monitoring this body from within)... i don't think i topped off over 220, but i saw 218 on the scale at the local supermarket that has a scale in it's lobby some time in the past week and that may have been the numerical trigger, but the awareness of the belly-bloat noted as i was running around the bases and the truths of last few entries lingered the past few days so, yay for awareness and self-caring...

there may still be hope for this who...

message from the body

why?... maybe just to be a better softball player who can run around the bases faster without breathing heavy since softball is so important to you?... and to wear the 75% of my clothes that have been in boxes since the belly grew?... and to be more body-attractive to those who are attractive to me... or maybe just to live longer!...

dummy, what a dummy this guy can be...

focus or fucus

yes, that is what the body is saying, the us being the cells, i imagine, if only to keep the grammar police at bay (and laugh)... the bottom line to this message is pretty simple, we are here, we are here, we are here! like the who's down in whoville, they tried to ignore the coming doom, but in the end, they just want to survive... so the cells inside are shouting we want to live! even though cells know they die off fast, like many are replaced every thirty days or so, but still, they know they will not regenerate without the body and the body is dying so they say focus or fucus, as either focus on living or give up and die already... impatient cells, perhaps, but they do have a valid point... and who'da thunk i'd be here, this far down the line (thank you for the haunting song, eagles)...

yeah, take life and this body seriously again... and why? :P

belly bloat

some days i do not notice it, some days it is much in my way... i think the latter experience is dependent on the former, that is, it is much more in my way when i notice it... and then i adjust diet, cuz back on sugar and salt and caffeine and fat and carbs and for 24-48 hours i feel like crap... missing the carbs is a large part of it... i feel better when i have juice and today, that is the plan so far... the left neck pain, muscle or thyroid or whatever it is, flairs up more consistently on days like these... and anytime i change the diet i must watch the kidneys for stones... reddish granular (uric acid) sediment is a routine reaction to variations in diet - too much caffeine/sugar or too much smoked processed meats (dang those smoked sausages and bacon) without balance and add exercise (dehydration, even with fluids) and it's a sure thing... no major pain, but definite discomfort and some wonkiness... belly bloat is much more obviously noticeable at these times...

stay focused and remember and reduce belly bloat and all that jazz...

did it again

disappeared, that is... the arm, the arm, the arm, great excuse... and the luxury of not working so i can sleep when i want and vege with the computer and writing and reading and tv and goofing off has lulled me back into dormancy and it really is a fool's game i play with this body, but at least i am here calling myself out on it... somewhere since i was gone i stumbled through a trail run 5k, the wekieva one... thanks to a friend who numbered me to join her... the arm is holding me back, yes, as pumping it while running hurts, but laziness is the biggest obstacle... at least softball is starting up again... but i am lethargic out there... so kick in the butt time, thanks and all that...

actually wrote this next week, for what that's worth... harumph :}

a bit of gym

went to the gym with jackson cuz she got home from work early and wanted to so yay for a light 25 minute workout on the eliptical machine... the arm moved ok back and forth but i did not use it to push or pull, just let it ride.. the lack of sleep and all the moving done during the move and packing before and stacking after and so on is definitely taking it's toll and the caffeine and sugar didn't help at all so stopping and detoxing and sleeping would be more than wise, it would be survival (especially since i have no health insurance and would not want to the last of my savings to be billed by a hospital leaving me with the alternatives of being indigent or declaring bankruptcy... who needs that stress, ya know?... so detox and sleep, m'ok?...

and back to some regular exercise cuz you want to live, right?...

numb aches

the right arm is definitely feeling the pitching and packing and moving, sore and limited movement upward and outward... no overhand throwing at all, for sure... the rest of the body is exhausted from the move... i carried way more boxes than i should have and then moved more stuff around than i should have - but the place is comfortable and completely functional and all the boxes are out of the way yet available for unpacking with relative ease... the back is strained and sore... the feet were throbbing yesterday bit are just tired today... since i slept only an hour or less since 6am yesterday morning and only got about 5 hours sinday night and not much saturday night either, the body is screaming for sleep... tonight, sleep on the bed that i still didn't set up but will sleep on anyway... a good night's sleep should take care of everything but the arm... and i just need to go back to resting the arm... and some time this week, get back to the jog/walking, please... yes, the body says please...

lost track of track again

lost track of time, too, but it seems i was seriously derailed by expectations and disappointments and consciously or subconsciously punished the body by giving it rest all week and whatever, right?... dummy, poor sad self-pathetic dummy...

hey, remember me?... yeah, the body... just when i thought he was waking up to remember how to take care of me right, he slides back into the perplexing malaise of self-indulgence sprinkled with hedonism, apathy, distraction, hysteria, laughter, and despair that helps him forget about me... so the 5k way back on the 19th was not great... something like a 43 minute time (approximated due to the long walk up to the starting line and running speed from the 10 minute {and walkers} coral)... without any sleep the prior 24+ hours... without positivity or support, internal or external...

wah wah wah, cut the shit and get off the pot... yeah, you.

narf?

off stride

ouch to the 7, maybe 8... 15 minutes of left shin splint after the run enough so concentration on recording stats was delayed as was shoe removal... oh this hurts... 4:06.1; 3:53; 4:21.4; 4:28; 4:44... 21:32.9 poor time... 25 minutes shin finally stopped throbbing and burning... also right calf almost cramping during run...

multiple factors... imbalanced stride probably near the top of the list... poor stretching... walked most of the first lap, could feel the muscle and body fatigue, heat, and lack of air (so many cars going to work/school)... sleep broken due to the dog next door barking and howling in the middle of the night which kept me up a while... they took him inside (he was on the porch at 1-2am; which hopefully won't happen again because they know he barks and howls at anything moving when he is on the porch... their porch is ten feet from ours and about the same distance from my bed) after i slammed the porch door... fatigue... stretched, but not enough... jackson was home when i was preparing and happiness was literally under my feet for attention... tomorrow prepare in bedroom... did not take vitamin before, though prob not much of a factor... did not drink enough water... did not go to bathroom... lots of factors, but fifth day in a row and not stretching enough and warmer temps and much more car exhaust fumes (the perils of running through a community parking lot) and imbalanced stride probably biggest factors...

whatever, even if rest is necessary tomorrow, continue...

day four

as if life began again four days ago, the count continues... only 5 laps today because i thought that would be sensible so i shot for a five lap best time and got it by 9 seconds... thing is, after that other 5 lap time i continued for two more laps and set the best time for 7 laps... that was day two of this four day push... so today could have been better... though muscle fatigue is felt... whatever, just continue...

3:24.7; 4:07.5; 4:17.8; 4:12.8; 4:04.7... 20:07.5... best total 2 lap, 4 lap, and 5 lap times... also best individual 2nd and 4th lap times... brain loves numbers... ego loves bests... body benefits from improvements even though it hurts... heart seems ok with the push, though lungs and diaphragm were near their limits without lung burn or cramping... shins were ok, though left shin, ankle, and foot was straining... hamstrings a little tight, but loosen up and this is expected... while a rest day should be factored in, this push must continue...

body lament and hope

ok, three... 3:36.2; 4:10.7; 4:21.2; 4:24.7; 3:59.6; 4:52.5; 4:06.8... 29:32.7... yesterday was the personal best, or PB as some runners abbreviate it... also abbreviated as PR for personal record... i've also seen BT for best time, but what's all this distraction and confusion, huh?... oh, the stupid mind and ego...

he took me out for a jog/walk again this morning... maybe he won't let me just waste away and die... he's made it challenging though... heart is still pretty strong, but it has been through a lot of waste and risky diet and the rise and fall of weight is linked to heart attacks (brain has a lot of useful, or scary information)... muscles are definitely wasted and much more aged than before and so weak... they complain a lot... and some have failed, allowing the bone to chip and the arm to fail last year, after all... and alone, he keeps me so alone...

still, this is much better than before... i hope he keeps taking me out like this and keeps carefully pushing me to do a little bit more, a little faster, a little farther... i feel so much better than i can run a few miles and right now, i can barely slow-jog a a quarter mile... so sad... but still, he created a spreadsheet to track times and weather conditions and brain likes that... he needs to add pain levels, recovery times, and my condition... brain will tell him...

i hope he continues...

remembering

when i started this blog it was meant to be a place where the body could speak, where all the brain's rational thinking would be put aside and the physical sensations were the voice... i found that voice inconsistently, but the idea is sound and though i've lost that way, it seems, i shall look for it again...

i'd also like to get back to the point where i think 185 pounds is fat :}

so remembering is a good thing and it started while jog/walking this morning and it better continue cuz i don't want to be a grumpy old man when i get old (who's old?... pfft)... yes, so i tend to start remembering again in december, which makes sense, because it is the first month of my personal calendar year (everybody has a personal calendar year, right?) and it is my remembering month (the 1st, 7th, 8th, and 16th are celebratory memory holidays for me... we can get into my personal calendar another time in another place, but anyway)... i tend to be hopeful this time of year... but the roller coaster up and down ride i put this body through is ridiculous and dangerous to body health... so i am going to attempt to find that body voice again... it probably doesn't like me very much...

i don't like him very much...

he woke up a little this morning, but it is not much fun having a brain and consciousness that is out of touch with me... hope he wakes up and remembers that he is nothing without me... or whatever, but nothing in this life at least... take care of me better or else, ya know?...

oh yeah, and i am a boy, not an it :P

push more

yes, 3:20.9; 4:16.3; 4:05.8; 4:29.6; 4:02.9; 4:34.9: 4:14.4... 29:04.8... best time yet... finally some improvement... still mediocre at best, but doesn't suck as much when there is at least a bit of improvement... recognizing that i did not get passed the initial surge of lactic acid and breathing... there are lots of tips and advice for breathing for runners and non-runners alike... it is second nature to me from years of running but it is something i am forgetting (are you forgetting the face of your father, roland?) as well... the key is getting passed the initial lactic acid rusg and initial oxygen panic, that first out-of-breath feeling, and then maintaining a steading pace so the breathing pattern brings enough oxygen in (and gets enough carbon dioxide out) to allow a sustained pace and not a situation where breathing becomes more labored with each lap... i know what i mean better than i can explain it, the point is i was not remembering this and therefore giving in to the initial oxygen panic... dummy...

still, for sure a long long way to go and weight to drop... i am completing the first lap without stopping the last few jog/walks, which is a good sign... and while strain during the jog/walk, no shin splints and no pain during recovery, another good sign... so continue...

not daily, but

yes, and doing it for the first time without the ankle brace... the left shin splints were not nearly as bad this time... 3:37.9; 4:09.8; 4:56.5; 4:21.0; 4:27.1; 5:39.7; 4:47.9... 31:59.9 total for seven laps... mile pace: 13:58 avg mph: 4.297 avg lap: 4.329... mediocre at best, but the good news is that it is another jog/walk... i did not realize so many days went by this week... maybe that helped the shin splint issue... or maybe taking the ankle brace off did... or both... anyway, not good... i must do this more often... maybe keeping stats will help... is there an easy way to put a table in one of these blog posts?... research... dropping some weight would help for sure... continue...

left shin screaming

ok, so we are going to give the left shin more attention... i don't know if it is wearing the brace or favoring the leg or being out of shape or something else... i know it is partly favoring as i am experiencing imbalanced strains as i am running in my legs and lower back... the lower back is not pain, just the usual running strain, but it is imbalanced so my stride is imbalanced... something to pay attention to...

2.5K... this time a full five laps... pushing the time a bit 3:41.2; 4:38.1; 4:19.4; 4:53.0; 4:07.0... 21:38.7 total... still pathetic even by the standards of last year when i was dropping into the mid-30s (minutes) for a 10k... slow jog the first lap and i was feeling it in my abs - that is how out of shape they are... and that shine splint thing must be resolved... focus the stride, the breathing, and continue...

ok, two

as in two days in a row... 4:02.1; 4:28.1; 4:29.4; 4:36.2; 17:35.8 for 4 laps which might have been a 22 minute 2.5K, maybe, and this track appears on the long side of the measure so eh at least until i am doing a 20 minute 2.5K and then eh until i am doing a 40 minute 5K and crap to all the woulda could should crap... deal with real times, real conditions, real physical life (to survive)... 61 degrees, humidity 86%... dang humidity takes so much out when the muscle and lung stamina is this low... lactic acid pain during the first lap and shin splints by the third lap, i don't think this body has even been quite this out of shape and recovery time has never been so long both for muscles and for lungs... and this was after relatively decent sleep and meat protein last night... must change habits... wah wah wah... do it again tomorrow or shadup...

...

come on man

yeah, so... 6:00.6; 5:29.7; 3:24.1; 4:15.0... walked the first two with jackson, my roommate, who has let herself get into sad shape and we are trying to motivate each other to exercise more... the second lap she did the best she could jog/walking... i took off for the third lap trying to do two laps in the time she was doing one and though i didn't catch her, i did feel ok and could probably have gotten the last lap under 4 minutes but let up so as not to push too hard as i am at an injury prone stage being i've been so very lazy for a while now...

hopefully i will do it again tomorrow...

still not exactly paying attention

(still) the title refers to myself as i am foolishly ignoring the reality of the stagnation i am allowing this body to experience during this time when i actually have the time to comfortably rest for long periods between exercise because i am not working... and certainly the pattern of returning to work only to lament not having the time to exercise as i would like to will return once i return to work... so what is this self-destructive tendency i've tapped into, i wonder...

being amused at myself for my foolishness does not reduce the deterioration of the body due to the aging process and laziness certainly helps that deterioration along... so before i seriously accuse myself of giving up on this physical life, perhaps i should consult a good doctor of mental illnesses... but wait, i am living as the vast majority of people live, so if the norm is this self-destructive way, is it going to be viewed as an illness?...

dang, there's goes that pesky relativity again...

narf (what the neck is narf doing here?)...

hopefully it's a wake-up call :}

is it now or never again?

sure is starting to feel like that... how quickly we fade... ok, so 5 laps, temp 77, humid 31 the weather is beautiful for running, but the body was not... definitely atrophies and lost a lot during this two week down time and during this away from jogging running time... the muscles especially... feeling the lactic acid burn so early and the drag before the end of the first lap (though it was a faster than usual lap, still... 3:42.2; 4:56.6; 4:45.4; 4:27.4; 3:59.6... still in control enough to bring the last lap back down under 4 minutes, but still, wasted after the first lap and i have jogged faster than 3:30 laps before... pathetic is not too strong a word at this point... 21:52.0 for the 5 laps, but pushing the same time for another five would have been an unreasonable expectation as the 6th lap would have likely been over 5 minutes by itself... so maybe a 45 minute 5k, which is definitely pathetic for me (no offence to anyone who is happy with a walk/jog, but my goal is to get back to actually jogging the entire 5k and that is a 30-35 minute pace... sub 30 is still the long term goal... but it seems ridiculous at the moment as i am heading in the opposite direction way too swiftly...

wah wah wah, lament will not help for the long term, but licking the wounds to psyche and ego might get me back out today... i have not taken my brace or running shoes off and yes, i put on my running shoes and not my sneakers... seriously misjudged my muscle tone, resiliency, and stamina... shame, this is a shameful waste of human life...

and now, it is recorded here... motivation or misery, time will tell...

done for the season?

well, ok, physical reality... talking to the body... and most important of all, listening to the body... i did not swing the bat... in fact, i did not move the arm... i drove jackson's car so i didn't need to move the arm... i let it hang at my side the whole ride and the whole game... and it feels only slightly better today, so this not using it at all is going to continue today and and we will take it day to day... and now, here in this blog where the body is supposed to think and be heard, it is time to call myself out (ducking, but seriously, here goes)...

it goes back to here... and before that... in fact, it was during the long venting entry on that thanksgiving tournament weekend that i wrote: "i may have thrown my arm out when my foot slid out from under me as i picked up a grounder, spun around, and threw to third... "... i did not take myself seriously... i did not listen to the arm... pity the fool who does not listen to his (or her) own body talk, or body thoughts, to be a bit more accurate...

and the signs were ignored... even in the babble... and it is all too obvious now that after the initial injury and the days following when i appeared to tell myself that i thought it did not get worse, i lied to myself... i did not know i was lying, but that is the way it is when one lies to one's self... throwing from third base with the injury just one week after the initial injury is why i am not moving the arm at all this week... i was distracted by sudden life changed (end of income due to early end to three month contract) and ego probably overrode pain sensors and any good sense when i said yes to playing third base...

and then... another tournament in changing weather with changing conditions and no rest and yet another game the following day while being continuing to be stupidly ignoring the arm...

yup, listening too late... still not really listening... reading my own daily (manic distraction all-too-cool can't touch me" invulnerable happy-go-lucky self-mocking seriously irreverent blog, i made at least a half dozen decisions that aggravated and further injuries the arm by not taking myself seriously with an only the good die young no fear as in not afraid to die attitude and while there is positivity in the perspective, as well as truth (why waste time and energy worrying about the inevitable when that time and energy can enhance the moments we are alive), quality of life matters too and avoiding injury enhances the moments we are alive as much as not worrying about the inevitable does, so there it is...

and as much as i do not like this fact, sometimes hope is not enough... even when hope is all there is (i know this too well)... and yet, even with all my wisdom and knowledge and experience and (oh, did i mention pig-headed determination to not let others down and desperation to find some sense of ego-food especially now that i had no work ego food)... and i continued to let all the distractions keep me from the fact (but by this last link it was too late... of course i did not have to stay awake and then run a 5k the next morning on no sleep {awake 24+ hours) and then spend the day out and not getting to sleep for an additional 16 hours after the 5k, alas) that this was coming, the total immobilization of the arm... there are real questions about which games should i have skipped... the extra tournament, for sure... and not playing third base, for sure... and much better focus and time for myself, physical prep time for the body, definitely... and there is the proof, the documented knowledge of the timeline that lead to the intensity of this injury...

now i have a very real choice (without getting too over dramatic i hope), learn from these mistakes so this sort of easily preventable injury does not happen again or simply quit playing ball, quite the physical life and like most people, retire to the sedentary life... as long as i have a choice in the matter (that is i am still able to play ball), i actually would rather die...

so learn, dammit, learn more... old dogs do learn new tricks if they want to be older dogs... and the body says - want to live?... learn... want to play ball?... learn more... how?... read the word written and write more words thought by the body... use the blog right here set up to keep in touch with the body... listen to the body... hear the body... stop pretending it is all in the mind and respect the physical, respect the limits of the physical, and don't let it bring you down...

so here it is, the bottom line... take it day by day... and as much as possible without causing other harm, no moving the arm this week...

maybe next week :)

out of touch

and suddenly today i see i have factors including rushing, not preparing properly, being distracting, being frustrated and isolated, and poor field conditions - i hurt my pitching arm... the biceps specifically... and i shook it off and continued pitching and throwing, even playing third base when asked a week later and and the week after that too... and pitching in a second consecutive tournament the following week... that (because i twist the arm and wrist a lot when i pitch) and especially throwing to first from third base really aggravated the injury... then this past friday night i pitched three games and had to make fast throws to first a lot...

it comes as no surprise... really...

even the 5k i ran yesterday did not do the healing process much good and i am hoping it did not hurt the biceps more... even the typing of these words... i am wondering if this is hurting the biceps more... moving the right arm as little as possible...

so now i sit here very frustrated because i have decided not to pitch in today's game... and i am considering not swinging the bat as well... a few days ago, before pitching three games just two days ago, i was considering skipping the pitching and being the designated hitter, but now i am considering taking myself out of the lineup completely... that has me very frustrated... i will make the decision at game time later...

stop being so out of touch with the body... please...