so tired at night

and bloated too... had two stop after two laps running to come in to poop... went back out to run/walk and with the stopwatch stopped and started again when i got back outside to start the third lap i finished under 20 minutes for five laps and i want to run more but a combination of fatigue and bloat and the knee (yes, still a little swollen and the run has it stinging a bit in the spot it was hit)... the humidity didn't help at all, but it's mostly fatigue... at least i got back out running... but i must exercise more, daily, and not just running cuz the neck starts hurting more when i don't... the bloat is weird cuz all i ate today was two yogurts, some hummus and crackers, pistachio nuts, and some chocolate milk... i am starting to wonder if the neck pain it thyroid related... just a guess, but instincts talk to me and told me about the kidney and liver issues long before doctors did... and they (the instincts, that is) tell me i will die or become debilitated by a stroke someday, alas... hate hoping the instincts are wrong, but hey... that's life...

woke a lot

last night the kidneys woke me several times, possibly cuz of the excessive cheese i ate after a hard core weekend, possibly cuz i am getting tired of sleeping on the too soft couch, possibly cuz of other things... today the kidneys annoyed me with pain several times, probably cuz i didn't sleep enough... not enough rest is killing me, and not so softly...

crazy wonderful, sorta

alone sucks in so many ways and yet, the amazement of maintaining, overcoming, surviving, and enjoying the heck out of almost every moment alone or not no matter what challenges come my way is astounding and as usual, crazy wonderful... so the knee shuddered as i wrapped it and headed out to play softball, but i played and the knee survived... the healing powers of the mind (and body) continue to be crazy wonderful... not without pain, but i believe i shall play again tomorrow without further damage to the knee as long as i follow the prescription i wrote for myself today... ice, wrap, and care to run consistently without harsh pivots or stop and go (even if that means missing a ball or getting thrown out, with apologies to the team, but losing me for the season would be much less in the team's best interest than my simply missing a play or few)... and the exercise workout was a big yay...

so even without a nurturing nurse (or close friend, even), life is crazy wonderful...

owie kazowie

or is it an owee?... well, as mentioned elswehere, i was caught sleeping on the mound tonight and a softball hit my knee hard enough to end up in left field after it hit my knee and now i have a softball sized sweeling (almost) on my inner knee in a very not good spot since i have a softball tournament to play tomorrow and softball playoffs to play sunday, not to mention a game sunday morning... an aging body sucks when there's still a little kid living in the head...

this should be a very interesting weekend...

aching

the neck, left side... nagging, sometimes sharp enough to not want to move, definitely enough to keep me awake lately... only comes at night after i eat after i sit in the recliner... getting worse over the last couple of years... probably need more exercise... doesn't hurt during the day, though it does occasionally while i am eating... thyroid tumor?... sure, go for the jugular (oh that is a bad pun)... gout?... yeah, i really ought to see a doctor and get this checked... some sort of blockage in the neck vessels pressing on a nerve?... rather lose weight first so i am not urged to go on blood pressure medicines... need to stop working so much and rest... need to start eating more often and not just one meal at night... need to take a long vacation... need to retire before i die... want, really... all i need to do is keep breathing and eat and drink a bit... rambling now, lonely, want a friend, want to be taken care of for once...

not a good feeling at night, but fine all day...