for a while

i was doing so well for a while... i was remembering that while alive, it feels good to optimize the body and through physical exercise, mental processes could be maximized and overall peace and even euphoria was available for anyone... and being an enlightened buddha, the fitness simply enhances the pleasure and awareness of the experience we call life in these human bodies... sadly, the lazy blah period continues and that old black magic called aging just might start knocking on the door (who's delusional now lol lam)...

still playing softball regularly... hitting well, pitching great (ego aside, it's something i do better than most) and running ok, though slowing down as i slowly crept to a max life weight (about 40 pounds over where i would call my ideal weight) and allowing muscles to weaken, alas, working 60 plus hours a week and giving most of the rest of my time to others leaves little time for me, but ultimately it is making the choice to indulge my taste buds for physical and emotional pleasure more than any other choice available that has left me bloated and growing (wait for it....) old...

yeah, i said it... so what... hey, at least i am calling myself out here and that's got to count for something... i wonder how many strikes i have left in this life... shhhh, i'll remember that being this stupidly self-destructive on a food high is not as much fun as alternative highs... there's always hope (i hope)...

and how are you? :)

definitely not wise

while i am not visually obese (i am based on the warped bmi charts, but that's another story, or meaningless complaint, for that matter), i do eat to quell emotional distress and am thirty pounds over where i ought to be... though it i lost thirty pounds many people would wonder if i was ok because that is thinner than i've been in some time... if i lost ten pounds people would say i look good and the belly would be pretty flat... if i lost twenty pounds i'd be a whole lot bouncier (which might annoy others as i am too bouncy for some right now)... the reason for this is that the weight is pretty evenly distributed around the body, though not the limbs... i eat a lot of veggies and balance the diet well, but i binge on chocolate and other fatty foods like cheeses with pastas or ice creams now and then enough to gain five pounds in a single weekend, or day, even... this body stores fat well... lately i've been eating pasta almost every meal to cut back on expenses which doesn't help as the body no longer burns complex carbs like it did once upon a time (the story of a life in these physical bodies, aye?)...

seriously vigorous exercise used to be how i managed the binges and overall weight maintenance which is why i am not visually obese and the skin is not flabby (though it is flabbier than it's ever been these days... drum drum drum, beat that drum)... still, something must change if i do not want to age quickly over the next decade or few...

if we had room for an exercise machine in this place i'd have one, but... maybe on the porch... with a big fan... if i had the spare cash... so many obstacles and the space and cash is real, but the procrastination and laziness is definitely my choice... so hello again, body thoughts... hope i come back again soon...

and the body just looks up and grunts...

not forgotten, just ignored

so what else is knew?... or known, even... nothing new here, just the same old on again off again procrastination that most likely shaved a few decades or more of this life because, and this is a secret so don't tell, it was my turn to have one of those biblical thousand year lives and all i had to do was do what came naturally but nooooo, i wanted to try to fit in with the human race so i tried all the self-destructive games and here we are with decades left instead of centuries... yeah, i know, humans have the oddest delusions... bloat and belly, back again by popular demand (cuz the taste buds rulem, ya know?... and emotional eating is just so delicious...

what brings us back here is the 5K i just walked... 43:10 or so... i just didn't feel the heart to push to stay under 43... the pace was set by jackson and her foot, which is recovering from foot surgery, and her best time is just under 40 so she did great for her first 5K back after the surgery... we have a softball double header later so we are resting now... as for me, well, i have not been doing any exercise other than softball which, for cardio, is just a half dozen sixty foot sprints each game, if that many... not exactly pushing to improve conditioning, softball is more for fun and light exercise... though reflexes definitely get tested when a ball comes flying off a bat at the head (or body) at eighty to a hundred mph from 43 feet away... reaction time, that's the ticket...

i am not as amused as i might seem, though i am not fretting or beating myself up the way i might have in years past because life is a whole lot better with a healthy helping of acceptance... not if i can only reduce the complacency, procrastination, and other stupid human tricks... right, let's hope this next year is the big change back to optimization and last year is the last mostly dead year of this life... you remember the mostly dead, dontcha?...

snarky moods rock :)

thank goodness for softball

since i am not in any sort of routine exercise habit otherwise, thank goodness for softball... three games yesterday (sunday... two big wins and one close loss) and while the heat slowed me in the third game (three games in a row in 90 degree florida sunshine is challenging even with a gallon of fluids... ah, love the summer)... this week softball starts wednesday and thursday nights and there should be some practices on saturdays and i am determined to be more active and burn more calories, at least on those days... no word from the friday night league and getting back to two games on fridays would be great... but still, regular daily exercise is what is needed most... for weight loss... for fitness... for stamina... and for strength... so what's the hold up, fool?...

loneliness?... i used to love to run by myself, but then, there was also a hope of sharing this body within the motivation to continue running... the love of the runner's high was wonderful and enough some of the time, but the pleasure of sharing the body in optimal condition was wonderful too... so get back to the high and hope, right?...

apathy?... that's the short path to aging and death, ya know?... depression?... not so much, but there is a whole lot of it around me and i do absorb the energy fields and auras around me cuz i feel less alone when i connect like that (even if others are not aware of the connections cuz they are not aware of their energy fields or auras... and that brings us back to loneliness i suppose)...

break the cycle, even if it feels so lonesome i could die, aye?...

narf :}

a week-long softball tournament

should have been great exercise and a good opportunity to drop some weight, but the young team feasted on junk food most of the time and though the body still needs to nutrients in sports drinks, it does not burn the sugars in those drinks as well as it used to and the artificially sweetened ones are suspect from a health perspective so, i am not sure if i gained or lost after playing seven of the eight games...

and the weeks prior to the tournament were, well, as not noted here, only routinely active... some softball, though not as much as the rest of the year, and just foolish general laziness... time flies when you're stupid...

let's try to be healthier and more active this month, m'ok?...

surfing the landslide

that is how i feel when i realize how lazy and ultimately suicidal i become between walk/runs... that is also the review of the running apps, all half dozen or so i've tried... we can vent over numbers in a moment, for now, lament over me... well, lament with an asterisk since i did get out there again this morning (and i do continue to play softball, though only three times a week the last couple of weeks since the friday night season concluded)...

6 laps total time 34:36... lap times 5:30; 5:34; 5:44; 5:57; 6:11; 5:58... second best 6 lap time yet, would have been first best if i could have gotten lap 5 under 6 minutes... still a fairly steady pace... best times recorded for laps 2, 3, and 4 which is slight improvement... the tracking app andor phone screen did not work well so it is not useful for in-run time checks and it refused to stop when i pressed stop so the cummulative times recorded in the app are wrong again... but anyway, i got out there again and maintained a fair pace for where this body is at this moment, so ok...

meanwhile, the app says that the 6 laps was 9.26 miles... yes, 9.26 miles... so every other stat was ridiculous... like average miles per hours... 22.8, 19.1, 23.1, 16, 24.7, 21.2, 18.8, 17.4, and 7.5 mph for each of the supposed nine miles... laps times were over 20 mph as well... ridiculous... meaningless... just plain stupid... like an average pace of 3.48 mph... the map shows how inconsistent and inaccurate the gps becomes (perhaps because i run with the phone in my hand as my arm pumping varies), though i have not found a way to copy and paste the map...

whatever, continue...

not dead yet

and once again and naturally as butter melting in the sun, i feel foolishly stupid for waiting so long for another 6 lap sort of 5Kish speedish walkish thingee... ish... so i was able to achieve the second best overall time for the 6 laps, sort of, as i had what was probably a ten second lapse in mechanics and had to start the whole timer over about half way through the parking lot... but anyway, in spite of the humidity which was killer at 96% (temp about 77), it is relatively good to be not dead yet...

lap times... 5:24; 5:49; 6:00; 6:08; 6:01; 5:55... total time 35:19 (previous best 34:47)... no records set, just a fair steady pace and the second best overall time for the 6 laps... the rest of the info was quite annoyingly inaccurate, or at least random, as usual... this time 6 laps was 3.45 miles, apparently... everything else is just meaningless numbers and i am not in the mood to play with numbers, so that's the stats for this track... and i put the pasta in the fridge cuz i am not even the least bit hungry...

please continue again...

meanwhile, on the poop deck

for the none of you who actually want this sort of physical intimacy and if only for the record and posterity and the doctors who might study the human condition one day even as an anthropological reference, i announce quite unabashedly (sort of) that the ever so brief rectal bleeding (one bright red surface splotch upon the first wipe, tiny dot on the next) that sometimes accompanies what i take to be a hemorrhoid reappeared tonight which is likely due to a lack of balance in diet (pasta, canned and fresh, cheeses, salts, chicken, cakes, and snacks mostly in the past week with minimal exercise, lower water intake (more soda), and potatoes with almost no veggies other than a few peas and mushrooms) combined with general apathy, an emo-bummer, and increase in sitting... i also just scratched myself accidentally on the shin while tying my sneakers in preparation to step out for a walk, which is an extremely rare event (the scratching... the walks have only become rare as opposed to extremely, for the record and all)... the regularity of activity on the poop deck has slipped a bit as well and the poops themselves have been harder and thicker... hey, somebody's got to monitor the body and this is the place it's done, so for anyone unpleasantly surprised by this information (you probably do not want to check out the daily poop... lucky for you i did not link it here, aye?), why did you read it all then?...

meanwhile, after wiping the blood off the shin and applying a bit of triple antibiotic ointment, while more pasta (comfort food) heats up in the microwave, time for a walk...

narf :}

not dead, just stupid

yes, well, we'd like to be more positive than this title suggests, but hey, being not dead is positive in it's own way... layers, levels, nuances, and noticing them, acknowledging them, and embracing them... that's the secret to a happy life, after all... still i am playing softball a lot (though still not as much as i'd like), so i am not totally sedentary, but since i am not working i am more sedentary than is wise... the stupid comes in there, as i am not heading out for a daily run (or jog or speed walk or walk or whatever)... so this entry simply reminds me... if i was a more normal human, it might shame or embarrass me into not being so stupid, but being me, it's not working that way... maybe it'll be an inspiration of some sort tomorrow... today there is another social event, an all-day housewarming party... apparently i have too much inactive social life in this life and not enough active social life (no daily activity partner)... so i must do it by myself as i used to (most of this life)... create motivation, aye?...

the body is not liking this lack of enthusiasm...

that's why we're here, aye?...

learning, always

the cheap sneakers are dangerous for several reasons... poor traction on wet surfaces, especially changing surfaces (my lap has grass, sand, and broken often obstructed sidewalk)... poor support and stability, especially with my current leg strength and aging muscles and bones)... probably more, but the bottom line is the $10 sneakers i wear in the rain are not not not safe for speed walking, jogging, or especially running...

meanwhile, another 6 laps when i had to push myself out there in an intermittent drizzle with storm clouds threatening and wind and heat and humidity... temp 83 degrees, humidity 88%, dew point 82 at start... temp 78 degrees, humid 93%, dew point 77 at finish... yeah, so the weather is what it is... continue...

6 laps, 34:47 total time, lap times: 4:49, 5:58, 5:48, 6:03, 6:12, 5:54 (and that is all that matters, really)...

the rest of the inconsistent numbers are 3.05 total miles (same 6 laps was measured 3.67 total miles on a slower pace) 5.3 mph avg pace, 11:24 min/mi avg mile, 7.54mph max speed, 474 kcal burned... lap speeds 5.9, 5.2, 5.3, 5.0, 4.9, and 5.4... whatever, why even bother with kilometers...

the good news is a new best time for the 6 laps and a new best time for an individual lap... yes, so continue, dangit!...

more softball practice

i can get more exercise during practices than during games, but i must do it myself because there are no pitcher specific workouts (other than throwing batting practice and i don't do much of that cuz they have two new pitchers they want to work in for the softball world series they plan on going to in august)... i was wired today (even before someone gave me mocha coffee) and bounced around all session (without water, go figure... must not have been as hot but the sun was out more... just better hydrated before hand... feel really good)...

still, i want more... the body wants more... so, continue... more :)

one more time

start again... or can we start again please... or anything that might get the workouts back to a daily activity, right?... yup, well, 6 laps... 36:37 total time... 4:55, 7:02, 6:34, 6:36, 5:46, 5:40 lap times... and the rest of the stats, well, relatively meaningless but i like numbers so whatever motivates me to get this body out there, right?...

today the tracker software says... 3.55 miles (for the same six laps, i know, it said 3.07 miles last time)... 5.8 mph (for the same 36:xx minutes, i know)... 10:20 average mile pace (yeah, i know, as unreliable as the rest)... as long as distance is not accurate, nothing else but the uncalculated times can be... max speed 9.8mph (this is closer to accurate as i did jog the first lap and picked up the jog a couple of times in other laps)... 557 kcalories (who knows, aye?)... and now, on the the laps (times above)... lap speeds (as unreliable as they are)... 5.9, 4.7, 5.9, 5.2, 6.4, 7.0... so somehow the speed for the fifth lap was much slower than the speed for the sixth lap when the times were virtually the same and the speed for the first lap when the time was dramatically faster was slower than either the fifth or the sixth laps according to the software... right... it has become painfully obviously that the laws of physics do not apply to me lol...

anyway, for my amusement and motivation and whatever it is worth to you... the calculated mile times were 11:25, 10:29, 10:12, and 4:35 for the final .55 mile (remembering last time we just reached 3.07 miles for the same six laps)... meanwhile (light bulb overhead), the discrepancy in distance shows the fatal flaw in this software... for each lap (in miles) it recorded: .49, .54, .65, .58, .61, .67... so how does this software measure the same lap with such drastic inaccuracy?... i am sure the manufacturer would have some pseudo-scientific response, but as they say on sports center, come on man...

so we live with what we've got and the bottom line is the lap times and the overall time and the physical assessment by my own senses and feeling is what matters when comparing progress...

kilometers, aye?... 5.72 km... 9l3 km/h... 6:25 mim/km... 15.7 max km/h... and the laps... 9.6, 7.6, 9.4, 8.4, 10.2, 11.2... and per km... 6:34, 6:42, 7:04, 6:45, 5:58 and 3.37 for the final .72 km... and the distance discrepancy for each lap in kilometers, as expected, is very similar to miles... .79, .89, 1.04, .93, .98, and 1.09...

still, it turns me on to know and feel that i've gone out and done this pleasurably painful madness once again... not dead yet...

continue...

yeah, i know

i know i am slacking... i know i am not doing what is best for the body (at least i think i know that)... i know i am wanting something for a longer term but wanting something in the moment that is overriding the long term want... that is, the taste and lust for food in the moment is undermining and preventing the weight loss and stamina increase i would like for the longer term... but it's more the laziness... the mindset that simple accepts it's ok to not put on sneakers and get out at least once a day to jog/walk... that is the mindset i must conquer (as i have in past phases of this life when the love of the hormones released during running and the sense of health and well being was more important and attractive than the laziness and depressed demeanor of the couch potato)...

over and over again, huh?... sucks to be in that loop... note i did not say sucks to be me...

yeah, continue, even if it's just an exercise of words, continue...

sigh :}

softball practice can count as exercise

three hours of serious heat and humidity and the body touched the red line in the last fifteen minutes even with two full liters of water (yes, more water and some electrolytes next time prior to and during these practices during the day of summer)... it felt wonderful... i realized how much i missed these long practices pushing the limits and even though i did not do nearly as much as i wanted to (i did pitch at least 250 pitches and played first base a bit and swung the bat maybe 15 times, but because of the arm i did not throw the ball much and did not get any infield practice... the coach does not do any pitcher-specific practice, alas... still, even though i am slacking on the speed walks and jogging and softball is getting rained out too much, this was a good workout...

not cooperating

i am not cooperation and neither is jackson... when you live with someone and eat meals together sometimes, dietary restraints can go out the window... and if i really want to drop the weight i say i'd like to drop this month, i really need to stop pigging out on what she cooks... i can eat less of it... and i don't need to open bags of chips and snacks... thing is, i am trying to save money and when faced with that challenge, keeping the house full of salad stuff and healthy foods is not saving money... it's a conundrum i must rectify... of course getting back to daily exercise would be even more important than dietary choices... at least i am sleeping well lately... mostly... just sleeping my night shift... so why not head out right now?...

ummmm...

must continue

same 6 laps, 4.95 km... ridiculously less than the 5.67km for the last 6 laps... again, the first mile threw everything off as i did it just over 5 minutes... the runkeeper app has me 12:53, 13:18, and just 2.74 miles total... the sports tracker app has me 35:37 for the 6 laps... i had it set to kilometers so i don't know how that affected the gps measure, but it is definitely a lot shorter than any previous walk/jog... and this one was a walk/jog... the obstacle is stamina, lung process... and weight, must drop weight to increase stamina and pace for jogging... and i had my new balance walking shoes on instead of the asix running shoes, which made a difference in weight with each step... the heat doesn't help, but it's primarily building stamina and dropping weight.... anyway, let's go back to miles first for comparison...

6 laps... 35:37 total time... 3.07 miles... 11:35 mile pace... 8.7mph max speed... 472kcal... and laps... 5:14, 5:48, 6:06, 6:11, 6:02... i did press lap after the first lap, so the lap speeds are 5.2 (first twwo laps) 5.4, 5.0, 5.0, 5.3... of course those stats make no sense... for mile times it recorded 11:37, 11:34, and 11:39... very different than the other app... and for metrics... 4.95km... 8.3km/h, 7:12min/km, 14.0km/h max, 472kcal... for km/h per lap it recorded 8.4 (first two laps), 8.7, 8.0, 8.1, and 8.5... hot and humid... 87 degrees, 68% humidity, though it feels a lot more humid with heavy dark overcast right around here...

it makes no sense that last time it measured the 6 laps as 5.65km and this time it measured the same 6 laps as 4.95km... i beat the previous time by 9 seconds for a new best time, but of course the other stats are skewed so it was not the fastest pace according to the app... the primary difference was that i did the first two laps a lot faster than usual, especially the first lap... the foot and arm feel better after exercise, though the left neck has acted up today for the first time in a couple of weeks... weight and lack of daily exercise, perhaps...

the bottom line is no more 9 day layoffs, dammit...

almost slid back

but not... and not sliding back is a good thing... phew too... broke the 6 minute average lap barrier... and tested the other run tracking apps too... one is gone, the other almost gone, so i am sticking with the one already in use... i forgot to drink water today (how do you forget to drink water?... you ask)... well, i just forgot... that could have been not so good for the kidneys and still might be not so good for the kidneys but we shall hope for the best and i guzzled a liter of water after cooling down and will drink another liter soon and another later and another before sleep... sure, i'll wake up after a 4 hour sleep cycle to empty my bladder, but must not neglect the kidneys after all...

let's take a look at the numbers... total time: 35:48 yay... total distance 3.31 miles... avg speed: 5.9mph, avg pace: 10:11 min/mi, max speed 35.5 mph (oh really? lol), and the lap times: 6:08, 6:00, 5:56, 6:04, 5:56, 5:37... dang, just missed the 5:33 record i set yesterday... lap speeds: 9.7 (huh?), 5.0, 5.0, 5.1, 5.0, 5.3... kilometers... 5.65 km total distance... 9.5 km/h speed, 6:20 min/km pace, 57.1 km/h max speed (cheetah! lol)... and per kilometer: 1:59 (yeah, right), 7:04, 7:17, 7:25, 7:21... speeds: 30.1 (uh-huh), 8.5, 8.2, 7.9, 8.1, with an 8.7 last .65 km finish...

alas, that first lap error is even worse today... maybe cuz there is severe weather and high wind?... with both apps, the first lap is quite skewed... must be a gps thing... the other software said i walked 5.67 miles, so distance and therein mph or km/h is quite skewed and relatively (if not completely) meaningless... but lap times and total time, that's a constant i can use for comparison to measure improvement and again, improvement today...

continue...

pushing more

i woke today not really feeling it and concerned about the back handling another 5K speed walk and yet, i stepped out there anyway and it was a tough go the first lap but i pushed and kept pushing and just missed reaching the sub 6 minute mark for average lap time... so the best overall 6 lap time yet came out of a morning i really did not feel it (it being the energy, the will, the confidence, the desire, the comfort, the drive, the stamina, the ... and whatever)... the back was tight after, but a hot shower and laying flat for ten minutes helped a bit... we hope the back feels better later in the day...

so 6 laps... 36:07 total time.. 3.27 miles (5.27 km)... 5.4 mph (8.7 kph)... 11:02 min/mi (6:51 min/km)... 21.9 mph (35.2 kph) max speed... 513 calories... laps: 6:15, 6:05, 6:01, 5:57, 6:14, 5:33... and lap speeds: 5.0, 5.6, 5.4, 5.8, 5.4, 5.3 m[h... in metric: 8.1, 9.1, 8.8, 9.3, 8.7, 8.6 kph... obviously the final lap speed is not accurate since it was the fastest lap time by almost 30 seconds... very questionable stats... mile times: 11:06, 10:35, 11:28... mile speeds: 5.4, 5.7, 5.2 with a 5.6 kick for .27 miles... kilometer times: 7:19, 6:24, 6:21, 6:59, 7:19... kilometer speeds: 8.2, 9.4, 9.4, 8.6, 8.2, with a 9.4 kick for the last .27 km... 83 degrees with 75% humidity... breathing 5-5 lap one, 4-4 laps two, three, and four, 3-3 laps five and six with a 3-2 final kick from the community entrance...

yesterday, walking the same 6 laps, the tracker app recorded 3.31 miles... that's a difference of distance of about 70 yards, more than two thirds the length of a football field... and does it calculate speed and the rest based on this?... definitely not consistent sessions to session, so all the stats must be taken with a major grain of salt... the final lap speed discrepancy shows this flaw provides inaccurate stats so why bother?... might be time to try another app...

still, continue...

pacing slowly

that is, i am remembering how to pace and starting to actually use pacing, but slowly... another speed walk today, 6 laps this time... i am going to attempt to make 6 laps every other day an unofficial goal baring pains or unforeseen circumstances... that way i get an unofficial 5K time, though again, the measurement of the phone app is questionable as the mile marker is inconsistent and definitely dependant on the speed... anyway, 6 laps... 37:15 total time... 3.31 miles (5.32km) total distance... 5.3mph (8.6kph) average speed... 11:16 min/mi (7:00 min/km) average pace... 9.1mph (14.6kph) max speed... 518 calories... laps: 6:17, 6:15, 6:17, 6:13, 6:16, 5:55... lap speeds: 5.0, 5.3, 5.3, 5.2, 5.1, 6.0... by kilometers: 7:09, 6:45, 7:25, 7:19, 6:51... speed by kilometer: 8.4, 8.9, 8.1, 8.2, 8.8, and final 0.32 km: 10.9...

hmmmmm, as unaccustomed to working in metric as i am, the measurements seem easier to compare at the distances i am walking... but then again, i may just be liking the breakdown giving a "kick" time and more, kick pace... using miles, each mile time would be: 11:36, 11:33, 11:03, and a .31 mile kick in 3:02 and in mph that's 5.2, 5.2, 5.4, and a.31 mile kick of 6.0... it just looks more dramatic in kilometer lol...

breathing 5-5 laps one and two, 4-4 laps three, four, and five... 3-3 lap six with a 3-2 final kick from the community entrance... humidity was near 100% as it had just rained and the steam was rising off the ground... temps varied depending on the app or weather site between 81 and 86 degrees... it definitely felt in the higher end of the range as i was dripping perspiration from the brow already during the second lap and i was not pushing as much as two days ago when i wasn't dripping from the brow until the fifth lap... the shirt is also much wetter... summer is definitely arriving...

continue...

focusing a bit better

waking a bit later (9am-ish) than yesterday (woke 6am) and waiting a couple of hours to spend some time with jackson did not distract me today as it did yesterday... i did not let myself use anything as an excuse... and truly, nothing outside of myself is a valid excuse... and the results, a good speed walk it is... 5 laps... 30:31 total time... 2.65 miles total distance... 5.2 mph average speed... 11:30 average mile pace... 6.8 mph max speed... 410 calories... lap times: 6:15, 6:12, 6:07, 6:06, 5:40... average laps speeds: 5.0, 5.1, 5.2, 5.3, 5.5 mph... 85 degrees and 65 percent humidity... sunny... best lap times and speed for each of the five laps, best overall time and speed...

speed definitely affects distance measured by the workout tracker... it will definitely be interesting to see how i can do in a measured 5k... according to today's times, and i could have picked it up a bit, though not too much more at this point (and i must start setting 6 laps as the goal as it appears that 6 laps is just over 5k... yes, actually, i can switch to metric and see this 5 laps was 4.26km and i can see my 5k times on the two longer (and slower) walks from earlier in the week as 39 minutes {8.2kph pace} and 36:25 minutes {8.4kph pace} and today was faster than either of those at an 8.4kph pace and i could have kept that up one more lap if i pushed it... but i still question the accuracy of the distance measurements)...

still, i am pleased with today as a sign of progress and during the walk i remembered and reaffirmed and most importantly of all, readjusted my attitude and perspective that increasing stamina, both muscle and aerobic, takes time... and i have been fooling myself in the past thinking it would not take months and that lead to stopping the progress (as documented right here in this blog over the years) because of lack of focus and depression over 'getting old' and it 'being too late' which is stupid self-defeating thinking that i will hopefully not return to again...

yes, continue...

must focus on me

waking to help jackson wake up and start her day with energy backfired on me as after an hour just to get her out of bed and then an hour of trying to motivate her to take and walk and exercise and then an hour of wondering how to do a better job of getting her to do what she says she really wants to do (wake up early, exercise, get work done, and most of all focus on getting these and other things done), i somehow lost my focus and interest in doing a speed walk... partly due to my back stiffening up and partly due to the fact that i had two softball games to play tonight and partly because i was disillusioned amd partly because i am empathic and absorb energy levels around me, i skipped another day...

tonight, however, i excelled at softball... pitching great (only one non-intentional walk in two games), hitting great (5 for 6 in two games, five rbi, 4 runs), fielding very good (just twice my arm got in the way of a throw to first from the third base side), also pinch ran three times and scored all three times... running better, faster, with less fatigue... so two weeks of the speed walking definitely has results already and i am not even getting serious about pacing and sprint work... or jogging or running., for that matter... so even though i skipped the morning, good news today...

continue...

tentative re-start

still some definite stiffness in all leg muscles and lower back muscles... pain in lower leg muscles even at a slightly slower pace (could be the slightly slower pace was asking more from the lower leg muscles)... completeted five laps... could have gone further and probably would have walked through the lower leg pain, but the back needs to be ok for two softball games tomorrow and one on sunday, so no pushing... 34:33 total time... lap times: 7:00, 6:53, 6:54, 6:58, 6:46... 2.87 miles total distance... 12:02 average mile time... 5.0 mph average speed... max speed 12.2 mph... lap speeds 4,4, 5.1, 5.0, 5.0, 5.4 mph...

though i remind myself that the gps based measurements are not as precise as i'd like (based on fluctuations between workout measurements... for instance, the first lap distance is always less than most others... today it was .52 miles... second lap was .58 miles, third lap .58, 4th lap .58, fifth lap .61... lap speed obviously affects distance measured even though i am walking the same sidewalk path)... so this thing is telling me that i can walk a 5K in under 40 minutes without a struggle... that would be surprising based on the 5Ks i've run/walked in the past two years, but we shall see when i do my next 5K... none planned, but there is a 4th of july 5K coming up i should remember to check out...

no pain with movement anywhere, just some stiffness... so it may be mostly stiffness after sitting causing the extreme back pain... hopefully that is passing... there will be a bit more sitting today than there was yesterday (maybe ten minutes in 10 hours yesterday), so we shall see if the pain is passing or increasing or decreasing throughout the day...

be careful moving today and continue...

resting the back, sort of

ok, so i skipped two mornings because the back said so and today it's much better, though still quite uncooperative when i want to stand up... once standing i walk fine and can run if i want to... i've been on my feet walking around, cooking, doing things around the house for the last eight hours and while there's mild stiffness, it's nothing too far out of the ordinary for standing and walking eight hours without sitting... i intend to be back to the speed walking (i figured it was accurate to call a 5mph walk a speed walk, it seems less pretentious than power walk, ya know?)... i suppose i ought to read up on it to avoid injury and know the best ways and equipment and so on)... anyway, until i start jogging again, i shall continue (there's always hope)...

the shoulder is not quite ready for upper body work but i must push the physical therapy (careful stretching and exercising the muscles) cuz the arm pain now is likely more due to atrophy and also lesions and/or inflammation due to the age of the muscles and bones... hopefully it's not becoming bursitis or any of the other itises... ah, the brain still plays like the body is a teenager... shhhh, don't tell lol lam...

don't let it stop

yes... in spite of waking with stiff muscles and a cramping lumbar issue that makes it very painful to go from sitting to standing and can actually immobilize me if i try to get up too quickly or move the wrong way, i went out walking anyway... while walking the back loosened up enough to keep up a reasonable pace, but no actually running... the belly puts much stress on the lumbar so dropping the belly is essential so exercise is essential, but carefully... and rest between exercise...

the tracker app says 60:53 for nine laps... each of the laps 6:47; 6:58; 7:03; 6:57; 6:51; 6:43; 6:35; 6:24; 6:30... total distance 4.88 miles... average speed 4.8 mph, fastest lap 5.0 mph... max speed 7.0 mph... 462 calories... average mile pace 12:28...

continue, carefully...

back on track

walking, yes indeed... and yes, hoping, always hoping... but musical fantasies and wishes and hopes aside, starting almost 24 hours earlier than last week after an almost 2 day break for rest and decadence (actually just skipped one night), i went back out for a morning walk... sun was up this time, which was different... air temps cooler (63 degrees with 84% humidity) though... according to the new tracker app, which definitely has it's gps flaws, the lap times were 6:23; 6:33; 6:29; 6:21; 6:30; 7:08; 6:35; 6:10... so total 52:13 for 8 laps... and it says i did 4.43 miles and averaged 5.1 mph with the fastest lap 5.6 mph... other data it provides includes 11:48 average mile time, 13.5 mph max speed... 493 calories burned...

the tracker has a lot to offer but it will take a bit of getting used to... stepping a few yards to the left or the right during the walk (like out into the street to avoid dog walkers) seems to change the distance measured and the speed so the shortest times and not recorded as the fastest laps... but it's not like i'm training for the olympics or trying to qualify for a world record, right?...

continue, dangit...

changing patterns

so in the past however many hours i slept on and off and feel somewhat refreshed, i did not exercise, and i ate canned pasta and frozen meatballs and melted processed cheeses and more (ketchup and butter spread, of course) and processed meats and chocolate milk... it is quite simply amazing what can happen in a bowl when ingredients, even canned and pre-processed ingredients, are microwaved for ten or fifteen minutes... yeah, amazing, right... i did not do the sweat-shower and did not do anything to cause excessive perspiration, however i did cut water intake from over a gallon a day to about a quart a day... no caffeine though... no soda (high sugar content in chocolate milk though)... sleep has been broken into shorter cycles and a 24+ hour no sleep period occurred in the past 48 hours... the body results seem repeatable...

the kidneys produced the reddish granular sedimentary stuff that at best tickles the urethra, creates a relatively constant sensation of needing to urinate, and causes discomfort in the kidneys and along the path to the urethra and at worst hurts like hell as the larger granules attempt to pass through the tube... other symptoms include a runny nose, which has occurred, and headaches, body aches, stomach aches, diarrhea, nausea, and hemorrhoids, which have not occurred (at least not yet)...

and another

and the phone as a stopwatch is not working... mot anything the phone is doing, just the buttons are on the screen and tonight without the dog to distract me, i still managed to press the reset button during the semi-sprint to the end of the fifth lap... that lead me to decide to do no more laps and also to re-evaluate the value of a $100+ purchase of a gps wrist watch that would be out of the way, monitor my heart rate, keep time, and tell me how far i walked/jogged/ran...

five laps (estimated) in 6:19, 6:14, 6:10, 6:11, 5:45... breathing 4-4 for the first 3 laps, 3-3 the last 2 laps, including the brief sprint... 72 degrees, 94% humidity... improvement and i could have kept an under 7 minute pace for another five laps, so the muscle memories and stamina are noticing i am moving in a forward direction again... i stopped not just cuz of the phone but also because i do have two softball games tonight and i do not want to overdo the leg muscles in the first week (especially in case i don't sleep much today)...

so if i keep this up for the rest of the month the goal shall be sub 30 minutes for 5 laps and soon after, sub 60 minutes for 10 laps... enough about goals (wash them right out of the head) because there is a long history of stopping before i really get started (i am not actually jogging yet, after all... in fact, for my future self-shame, the only jog tonight was the brief sprint from the entrance to the community to the first turn in the sidewalk where i stop and head home)... still, improvement and continuing so... please continue...

almost four

i did walk a long walk (an hour and a half) but did not push the pace cuz harpo was with me... he asked to go for a walk so instead of my fast walk around the community we took a slightly more leisurely walk (up to 434 and back here)... so i can count this as a fourth night, especially since i played two games of softball and ran around the bases a few times and pitched both games and swung the bat a few dozen times (at least a couple of dozen to warm up) and so... continue...

third night

so i actually have not opened the run log spreadsheet since january 17th... i have walk/run since then and some are probably in this body blog, but i just completely forgot... lost touch... vegetated that part of my brain... and that goes for this body blog too, alas... not recording the exercise is a sign that i am not taking the exercise seriously... dangit... fricking fracking dangit too... anyway, night three in a row of putting on the running clothes and heading out for a walk went ok... and fan blowing on the left shoulder/neck or whatever, thirty minutes after it at this computer the cramping starts again... just the left neck so far, whatever it is... still, third night of exercise with all (or most) of the excuses staring me down i still went out and did six laps, this is a good thing... now if i do this and improve each week for a year, maybe i'll live another few decades... or maybe i'll die this year trying to live another few decades... sardonic or morbid, it's one of those dry senses of humor... unfortunately, the times are estimated because the dog ate the stopwatch... ok, not really, but sorta...

meanwhile, the body says come on man, what's up with the belly... it still feels bloated and all i've eaten in two days is two cans of soup, two yogurts, about two ounces of pasta, and two 100 calorie bags of popcorn... pooping just fine, so it's certainly not constipation... so maybe i do have a few tumors growing inside the abdomen, huh?... could be the kidneys are five times their normal size... or maybe it's just gonna take weeks to drop the bloat (it used to take just a few days and most of this life, a day... sheesh, i have let the body bloat up the past years... ridiculous stupidity or something growing inside, time will tell... no, i don't think i'm pregnant...

estimated times tonight due to a doggie glitch, dangit... so six laps in 39:59... 6:49; 7:07; 6:50; 6:47; 6:04; 6:22... yeah, continue...

healthier diet, sort of

reducing caffeine to almost nil in the past few weeks... ordering water with lemon when i eat out (have to have some sort of social life even if it is not in the budget) and not buying caffeine for softball games either... felt the fatigue this sunday, but the 90 plus degree heat and broken sleep probably had more to do with it than caffeine loss... a fresh food natural diet would be better than the canned stuff, but the budget must be maintained these days as i am paying for two and not working, so balance the canned stuff and hope for the best... must increase salads... the good news is no caffeine headache and hopefully the kick start of exercise will not bring those on... balance, diet, healthy, focus, and so on...

more walk/run tonight?... we shall see...

another day two

actually night two as i am taking advantage of the free time i enjoy these days by exercising at night... and six laps in 39:13.1... 6:29.4; 6:34.1; 6:28.6; 6:32.9; 6:08.2; 6:59.9... ate a can of vegetarian soup and a pack of instant oatmeal and a 4 ounce yogurt today... balanced, but that is all the calories i wanted to take in... got to reduce the body mass as the 30+ pounds i am over my healthy weight is all in the body... topped 220 in the past few weeks, which is sloppy lazy unhealthy and feeling like crap land... still running and playing softball well, but just too much belly for comfort...

the humidity was 96% out there so even 70 degrees seemed somewhat thick for breathing, but persevere i did anyway... and as i was mostly walking, no shin splint or other pains, just the usual strains... 30 minutes after though the left neck was cramping something fierce, maybe from the chill in the house, maybe it's not just muscle (thyroid?) and who knows... enough to have me leave the typing here and stretch elsewhere...

please continue...

returning from laziness?

there's always hope... stepping away from jackson's lack of drive to exercise (sliding into the energy level of those closest to me is an old habit that needs to stop for now as i need to be a lot more exercise-active daily than anyone in daily life nearby) and using the external influences as an excuse is really so old, it should have dead a thousand times over (and hopefully will this time before it kills me... yeah, the body says so)... must reenergize, must refocus, must return to my energy level again (or as close as this body can stand it now)... so i've carved out a lap around this community that gives me a time that will make me quite happy if it was a mile lap so the times now are not so depressing (but it's likely less than half a mile, in fact, might be more like three tenths of a mile, so we won't mention this particular delusion until we get the lap down under 4 minutes and then maybe we'll reassess reality, m'ok?)...

yeah, so in 71 degrees with 94% humidity, ten laps in 65:52.2... 6:41.8; 6:45.6; 6:38.8; 6:44.6; 6:04.7; 6:47.5; 6:42.1; 6:32.7; 6:57.1; 5:55.4... please continue...

yes, better week

walked with a touch of jogging an almost 5k (about three miles or so i believe it is three times around crane's roost, a park nearby) for a charity walk to promote children's mental health and felt good after... continued the water intake until a couple of days ago and the last few days i've had milk and some caffeine, but very little caffeine... sugar the past two days in desserts... ate meat and all sorts of foods this week... all seems to be status quo, that is, i know my kidneys are there and have stones in them and bubbles of sort, but no extra pain, no signs of infection, and minimal signs of stones... so yay...

tinnitus continues as the constant companion for my left ear... left neck aches continue on and off almost daily... right bicep continuing to improve and can throw overhand very gingerly (still not throwing overhand in games... the arm aches after pitching, but less than last week)... range of motion continues to improve... still standing most of the time and laying down when not standing... sitting only when visiting friends or eating out... liking this minimal sitting thing... the rhoid or pollup thing comes and goes, occasional irritation but no blood or pain... overall fatigue level is a bit higher than in past years at times, yet simultaneously feel more rested than i've been in more than a decade...

and that's the latest news from the body... good news, mostly :)

maybe it's the garllic

and the extra water... but anyway, as the weekend continued the blood was less and the healing appears to be happening, the infection seems to be fading... played softball last night and while fatigue and body stress was evident, all went well and that is a big yay... resting is good, but so is the standing and i am going to do a lot more standing (set up the laptop on a box so i can type standing) and walking every day, like many hours more than i have been doing... that will hopefully help the rhoid too, which may be a pollup and not a rhoid as it is sticking around and coming and going and not bleeding... also have been consuming garlic in large quantities in gelcaps and in food and the natural antibiotic properties may be helping the body fight the infection... anyway, good news, i'm not dead yet :)

stay strong :)

and today, there's more

more blood in the urine, that is... passed a clot late last night and the darkness of the urine is suggesting a tear in the tubing or even an infection, the latter being supported by the feeling of infection in the body the past day or two and the overall kidney and digestive issues going on for a couple of weeks now... definitely not fun and if i had health insurance (broken record, huh?), i'd probably head to a doctor for a urinalysis and maybe even blood work and i would even consider antibiotics, but for now, i muddle through... hopefully there will not be a sudden flare up emergency during the off hours when the cheaper clinics are closed... think positive, except for the blahs and the ehs and the discomfort and the occasional pains, i seem to be surviving... it's the duration that has me a bit perturbed... not to mention to lingering rhoids (though the standing definitely seems to be helping back there, the increase in exercise and changes in diet and tapping into the fat stores is probably giving the kidneys and liver fits)... and a bit of a headache too... wonder if i have a fever... no clue where my thermometer might be... might be a good day to unpack and sort through all the bathroom boxes and bags, aye?... it really is time for a complete check up, but...

so still doing the standing thing, that is, not sitting... i mean, if i was working i'd be standing and walking a lot, so it makes sense to get up, stand up, and walk around a lot... and still eating healthier... no sugar-waters (soda, pop, juice, etc), light on the spices, lean foods, and smaller portions, mostly... come on body, adjust to the change (and survive, survival would be good too :)

cycling symptoms

so i ate lighter and rested and drank lots of water and no soda for a few days and it's another evening of granular kidney stones so i am not sure what's causing them... and one is stuck so there's a constant feeling of needing to pee even though i am all peed out... and some blood cuz every now and then the granules slice some tissue and then the itching and healing and burning and all that good stuff... bodies aren't always pretty, ya know?... and the gas...

yeah, i know, real bad timing all this happening when i am not working and don't have health insurance and am hoping nothing is seriously going on that should be checked out now instead of later when i am working with health insurance again... it's a gamble... but i am hitting the ball better and running better and feeling fine playing ball and so on, so whatever is going on in the body it is not hurting the overall performance... yeah, that's the justification for not going to the medical profession...

paging dr. house :}

lingering rhiods

as unpleasant as it may be to read, i assure you it is more unpleasant to feel... how long is it now, two weeks, longer?... this is the longest a hemorrhoid has lingered and it is time for change, action, something... i would visit a doctor if i had health insurance, i mean, this could be a sudden tumor that is going to kill me in a few months, right?... yeah, i already told myself to shut up... the least i can do, however, is stop sitting on it... i sit altogether too much for good health anyway these days, so no more sitting today... and for a few days... after all, i have the luxury of not having to go to work, use it for good... i will lay on my side when i tire, but the body can also use more exercise so i will stay on my feet for at least a few hours and most of the time... there are boxes to rearrange and unpack and put into storage... the laptop is on a box above waist level, so any typing or browsing i do will be standing... and besides, it's a beautiful day... walk, enjoy, cure the rhoids!...

how are you? :)

lost touch again

lots of body thoughts have passed since the last entry, but i vegged out and hardly came near any of my blogs since then... partly the kidneys as stones have been passing with lots of sediment, the latest was a really big one today... asymmetrical about a quarter inch... reddish and it crumbled easily, so still seems to be uric acid stones and sediment... and then the rhoids are lingering and this is a first... usually they go away with day or at most a few days of butt meds... i believe the kidney issues play a role in the lingering... in any case, sitting is definitely not a comfortable position and the constant feeling of needing to pee is quite distracting so writing as been minimal... so i used facebook and the news as a distraction... sad world out there... even sadder how some react to it...

still pitching and playing softball though... maybe the universe knows, but most games have been rained out during the past three weeks... played this week though, won two tonight and lost two on wednesday... hitting ok, pitching oj, not up to my standards but everybody's happy with it... sunday i had a streak of no outs in five weeks going but flew out to end that in my last at bat this sunday... pushing the body is how i deal with challenges... drinking tons of water... working on foods i choose and more than anything smaller more frequent meals... eating once a day may be one of the triggers for the kidneys and maybe even pointing me toward diabetes... the check up will come when i get health insurance again...

the body laughs and cries and curses me and wants to be nursed... can't always get what you want, so i give myself what i need... and that's the physical experience update for now... for the record... for me... and for anyone who cares... hope life is smiling for you and your body :}

big one passed

didn't catch it cuz i was half asleep (and that is what was and still is needed most, long deep sleep), but a big kidney stone finally made it out... that was how many days?... more than 2 as in more than 48 hours... the worst of this started saturday during the day, so almost 60 hours, but i think this actually started thursday during the day and it is possible this started with the hemmorhoids last week or whenever they started and even longer before that when jackson came home with the flu, though the symptoms of the flu and kidney stones or kidney infection can be so similar... the flaring of the external hemmorhoid is more than prior incidents, though it did seem to get worse as the blockage did... and who knows if it's done...

and here's the even more annoying rub... once again, coincidence or causality, but definitely consistent correlation, an attempt at getting back in shape triggers the stones... formation, perhaps, though i know i have some in there )in the kidneys) and there's no reason to suspect more haven't formed over the years since the last check... movement most definitely... maybe because there are poisons stored in the fat cells... definitely because the body flushes more liquid when i run... this time it only took two days in a row... and i blamed the pizza... but then, nitrates and cheeses and tomatoes and spices also correlate and may play a role... and the exercise... and the hot steamy showers (which came first, cuz they certainly help more than anything else)... anyway, it all came together and at least one big stone passed and the urge to pee that subsided slightly (which usually happens when a stone moves into the bladder) and reawoke big time about six hours ago when diarrhea maximized and urine was definitely blocked (nausea grew to the point where i actually consumed some pepto-bismol, an extremely rare occurrence for me) seems to have passed too, at least for the moment... and the hemmorhoid and diarrhea?... could be everything is numb... definitely not marathon ready...

overall exhaustion, numbness, lots of burps, hopefully done, but...

time will tell...

ouch, phew

a very rough night... kidney stones or food poisoning, but food poisoning would show up right away, not twelve hours later... and is food poisoning localized the the kidney to bladder path?... still, i threw out the half a pizza leftover and you know that is an extreme rarity... it is possible the meats were not cooked enough as two of them were older... kidney stones were more still likely the culprit for the rough night... the chills, clammy skin, nausea, diarrhea, headache, gas at both ends, and most of all localized pain along the path from the kidney to the bladder... except for the latter though, it could have been food poisoning... just didn't effect the digestive tract until the exit end... the stomach passes everything along... steamy hot showers helped, but the pain returned and woke me... sleep came in spurts, waking every hour due to the kidney or arm or so to urinate... it was a rough night for the body...

still woke and headed to play softball... gotta keep living :}

another day two

asking how many day twos there have been over the years might be depressing (might?) but hey, i've never been one to shy away from a good depression... still, it would take too long to search just the records i've kept and have with me and the point would be beating a dead horse (he's not dead yet) so at least there is another day two which is a whole lot better than not having another day two since a pause is inevitable and healthy... always find the positive spin and you may never spin out of control... or something like that...

all philosophy and the like aside, 5 laps, 31:59.4 total time... lap 1 5:59.1, lap 2 6:18.3, lap 3 6:33.1, lap 4 6:59;5, lap 5 6:10.4... more strain slight pain left shin, more strain overall, slight pain right pectoral, slight strain right biceps, slight strain 1st lap abs, overall leg fatigue and lung fatigue... higher/faster lactic acid build up... rhoids sore, improving... warmer temps, higher humidity... 74 degrees, 94% humidity... heavy air... passing red gravel kidney stones and sediment yesterday... ate red meat and spices yesterday... considered resting today what with two softball games tonight but woke and dressed and headed out in a bit of a blur, so yay i think...

continue...

no, really?...

five laps, whatever a lap is... @5:10 the first, @7:23.6 the second, 5:53.7 the third, 6:27.1 the fourth, and 5:56.4 the fifth... somehow i ought to measure the lap, and yet, why isa fair question... until i am actually running them, it's a relatively moot point... i actually jogged most of the first and the time might have been closer to 4:30, but i did not reset the laps until the second lap so oh well, better to start at a more reasonable lap time since i walked most of the second lap due to the push in the first... goal, for what goals are worth, is a 4 minute laps time... bigger goal, for what bigger goals are worth, is 6 laps in 30 minutes... goal that might just begin to satisfy me is 10 laps in 30 minutes, if i live so long... the lap is not flat and has some challenging inclines and a few corners, but it'll do until i expand to a bigger lap (or a change of direction) when muscles request it... overall, no major pain... some pain in right arm, right chest (caught a high po-up with my pectoral muscle today... ouch)... mild strain in right achilles and left ankle... no strain, no gain... sing the song, bang the drum, la la la...

so it took how long?... more than two months to get to even a partial run in this new blip blip ding ding ding... excuse me, windows defender glitch... ok, so the foolish self destruct button continues to be my favorite toy as if daring anyone to notice and care is the way to find the one, or a true friend, even... who's the idiot?...

oh, and 30:50.8 total 5 lap time... meanwhile, the rhoid is only slightly better... hopefully it is a rhoid, after all... no blood, just tenderness and pain to the touch... aren't you glad you asked?...

narf :}

another year older and so on

not so much deeper in debt, just draining savings like there's no tomorrow cuz my roommie isn't sharing any bills lately, like since december, and while she's one of my best friends and my adopted family, having a roommate was supposed to help both of us, not just her... feeling the stress in the body, so it is mentioned here... and feeling the years pass more deeply, which is nothing new, but mentioned here because i had a birthday pass between the last entry and this one... jackson took me to an inexpensive chinese buffet i like with some friends... i see where some of her money goes these days, she apparently treats her girlfriend a lot... and i get poorer... what a whiner, huh?... well, fatigue here... happiness just woke me... he gets so needy when she is away and she stays over at her girlfriend's a lot lately... more drain on the body, physically, less sleep... wah wah wah... see what you get when i am woken up in the middle of the night when i wanted to be sleeping?... let that be a lesson for you, i mean, for the next time you sleep over... of course if i wanted to be awake, that would be a completely different bouncy story (weak snicker)... did i mention i am not enjoying a rare external hemorrhoid?... i don't remember having one on the outside before and it hurts more than any of the inside ones i occasionally get... sitting sucks... walking is not always fun... it's really a pain in the ass... no wonder i am whining, huh?... so what did the universe get you for your birthday?...

are we laughing at me?...

and for your birthday

ok then, besides dinner (if you really must knew my dark side), the universe gave me hemerrhoids... or at least one... external, no less... more painful than internal, especially when sitting, pooping, wiping, bathing, running, walking, bending, farting, rolling over, and, i imagine, anal sex (though i am not into the rear entry pleasures some seem to live for, so i wouldn't know)... in any case, it is more annoying than painful most of the time... and not as gross as it might seem... it was amusing to ask jackson to pick up stuff from the pharmacy for me... she said next time she needs sanitary napkins she's sending me... gotta find humor even in painful anal itch...

i know, you just had to scan back and find this entry... hey, i was kind, i back dated it and slipped in in here when you were not looking, after all... it really isn't funny... but we laugh anyway...

hope you got something more fun from the universe for your birthday :)

are we april fools?

i believe i qualify... but let me clear something up once and for all, or at least for the moment, before i go off on a self-deprecating rant once again... i am, purely and deeply and most of all completely, in love with myself... there is no doubt, no insecurity, no hesitation, no resistance, no question about it... i love myself with all i am, my whole heart, mind, anima, everything... yes, even this body...

now, a good case can be made for my self-loathing when it comes to how i care for this body... gorgeous fit people might claim, based on conscious awareness of the experience of this physical life when in an optimized body, that i am a fool (and not just in april) for the way i care for this body and there is no way i show this body honest love... maybe... i might say the same, knowing what i know from being where i've been (and no, it was not another life)... but then, i think i've learned and now know better...

in a word, balance...

the extreme fitness and dietary restrictions i once lived by to keep this body (and it's physical sensory apparatus) in optimnal condition was exciting, fun, and often quite wondrous but it was also even lonelier than any other experience in this life because no one shared the high for the right reasons, for reasons i could trust... there was always too much ego in the mix, mine included, and always too much external locus of control in everyone i ever met (the fact that i have almost none doesn't sway me in the least, right?)...

anyway (to cut this rather siddenly short), all this to say i am an idiot at times, foolish stupid and self-desdtructive at times, and the odds are very much suggesting that i will not live in this body as long as i could because if the 20-30 extra pounds i carry around (though personally i think 10+ pounds of that excess weight is/are water-sacks in my kidneys, but we can leave that for when i have health insurance again if i ever do before the body ceases to function, aye?) and the intermittent exercise i do... and while i can easily say, "hey, at least i do exercise, playing softball 5+ times a week, it's not exercise in the way i know exercise... it's been a very long time since i experienced the euphoria of runner's high... but anyway, who knows, all that running and exercise i used to do and others do just might be wearing the body out even faster than the bhudda way... i have proof that i have created joint issues by repetitive exercise over the years, so... who knows, ya know?...

what i do know is the euphoria i get from foods, while it does not replace the euphoria i runner's high, is still euphoria and the body loves it... and there's sexual euphoria too, which i would be happy to share with someone who appeals to libido and you don't even have to be a lottery winner or independently wealthy, nyuk nyuk, sigh... the point is, seriously, i am foolish on some levels for getting lazy and reducing my physical energy level and diminishing my physical experience in this life, but it's not all stupidity... just some (snark)...

any other april fools wanna come running with me anytime soon? :)

forgetting or ignoring

laying in agony too tired to do the exercise or stand the hot steam shower than might ease the pains and let me get comfortable night after night is quite the foolish choice especially when i know better, or at least i say so... and so the last few days i grew the belly and except for softball (did great, 3 for 3, 4 rbi, scored, ran well, pitched well, we won... took a slam on my right arch which is sore, but kicked the ball toward first and prevented a run from scoring... and started a triple play by snagging a low line drive at shoe level, so the body had fun for a few hours and did good)... i could/should be doing more exercise... and eating a bit less... doing more... but the lazy relaxing vacation time is so sweet... except when the body aches... sleep more... and when awake, keep moving fool, and move more... right...

narf :)

naturally unexpected

aching neck, throbbing arm, extreme fatigue, and then, nutella... craving chocolate, i found nutella in the cupboard, and the chocolate was the next level after the bacon cheese burgers and fries... the flood of calories increased the blood pressure and the neck ache and i laid back and started pumping my legs... gradually, the neck stopped hurting, the arm stopped hurting, a bit of muscle memory started returning, and an hour later, here we are... clothing drenched with perspiration, but feeling much better... remembering that sometimes the best exercise came after passing the over-tired-wired fatigue stage in spite of concerns of over-doing, heart failure. even death... and exercise relieves the neck pain... and the body hope for more...

looping rather foolishly

eating out of frustration is a very foolish choice and while i do not allow the foolishness to reach the proportions that the average human allows, i do allow the foolishness to interfere with the optimal experience in this physical life... it has been a long time, relatively speaking (as time is relative), since i experienced the optimal... it would be much simpler and easier without the frustrations or, in the physical world, if i was not spending so much more money than i should, which feed the frustrations... but this is the path i have chosen... to be human... frail... foibled... falable... and foolishly ignorant of the solutions to the conundrums i allowed to for around me...

what this does to the body is not a pretty picture...

anybody understand?...

scratch that

last night instead of going to bed without eating i ate a whole frozen pizza with extra cheese and stayed up all night and today i ate taco bell and so, the belly is back... it was going down (it only takes a few days for the big bump to go down, the body bloat from waist to chin takes as long as it takes to drop the 30+ pounds it weighs, but the belly bloat was on it's way down and hopefully i will refocus on that after tomorrow... especially since the body is calling me out here, very disappointed in me, alas, and the choices...

keep me in touch, ok body?...

hope, perhaps

ok, as is the case is often the case with the head case i can be, i subtly decided semi-consciously to eat less and maybe lighter and drop some of the excess weight because i reach the highest end of the max-weight limits beyond which the discomforts are more annoying than any diet or exercise can be (but let's not make any big deal out of it just yet, ok?)... luckily that is only about 40 pounds above the ideal weight set for this body (set be a compromise between the charts and graphs of modern science and the more important sensory apparatus monitoring this body from within)... i don't think i topped off over 220, but i saw 218 on the scale at the local supermarket that has a scale in it's lobby some time in the past week and that may have been the numerical trigger, but the awareness of the belly-bloat noted as i was running around the bases and the truths of last few entries lingered the past few days so, yay for awareness and self-caring...

there may still be hope for this who...