rambling in the moment

in the news of the body, weight remains stable after three days of much less restrictive eating, which is a good sign... and now I start the strict eating for a few days to drop another few pounds and hopefully the process will continue to work... this is the first week I have had no word (or anything else) from the kidneys, which is better than previous weeks and hopefully a sign that they are f8inally close to cleaned out and adjusting to the new energy and food processing levels... I'll give the doctor a call in a few days cuz she should have the results of the lab tests she ordered by then and we shall see how the sugar and carb restrictions effected the lab levels... if they're substantially improved, maybe I'll treat myself to my own ultra-decadent kind of mac 'n cheese... ice cream, chocolate, and any other sweets shall wait another couple of months until the weight is in what I know is my healthy range...

I feel the drag as I consider taking a night off from the gym cuz the muscles could benefit from rest, and then I feel the please stop and let me rest tonight please from the muscles for the first five or ten minutes at the gym, but then I feel the better feeling after I turn it up and spend 70+ minutes on the Lifecycle... kind of like how it was when I used to run, but the voices to stop are louder cuz they've had power for so long and the muscles aren't exactly as young as they used to be...

so I am continuing to roll through the daily cycle of pushing the body and rebuilding muscles and starting to feel the recycle, a longer wavelength or time period of changes that bring me back to being centered, being me... it's been a long time since I actually lived there, but the memory is becoming clearer with each step... day after day, alone on the hill...

today

if I died today, would anybody notice?

when?

and the smoke witch says wazoo

or something like that... skipping the gym for a couple or few nights, (or more?), and returning with a semi-bang... tight panting with best kick yet, though up a couple of pounds even after a two 52+ hour fast (due to pasta and the starvation reaction, most likely), but close to best times/speed for an hour... just missed 8mph average for the full hour... the eyes of agism gives me a look of are you crazy or just suicidal?... and as I will do until the bitter end, I smile, even if it's with a slight grimace... overall improvement noted, however with greater clarity comes a better view of the load road ahead... continue...

slipped a bit

this week has not been focused, what with a few slips and some despair sliding into the mix, eating away at the determination... hopefully I'll get back on track tomorrow and stay there a while... it's stupid to let the feeling that nobody cares interfere with my caring, after all... listen to the body.

so anyway...

I was rolling along at a good pace for a month and along came tonight and the relatively constant influences of the unhealthy habits around me waking me and catching me at my most vulnerable. It genuinely sucks to have no real support against the forces of the unhealthy. All by myself, la la la. One day lost at the last moment, tomorrow is another chance to get back on the healthy path. Do it.