lingering rhiods

as unpleasant as it may be to read, i assure you it is more unpleasant to feel... how long is it now, two weeks, longer?... this is the longest a hemorrhoid has lingered and it is time for change, action, something... i would visit a doctor if i had health insurance, i mean, this could be a sudden tumor that is going to kill me in a few months, right?... yeah, i already told myself to shut up... the least i can do, however, is stop sitting on it... i sit altogether too much for good health anyway these days, so no more sitting today... and for a few days... after all, i have the luxury of not having to go to work, use it for good... i will lay on my side when i tire, but the body can also use more exercise so i will stay on my feet for at least a few hours and most of the time... there are boxes to rearrange and unpack and put into storage... the laptop is on a box above waist level, so any typing or browsing i do will be standing... and besides, it's a beautiful day... walk, enjoy, cure the rhoids!...

how are you? :)

lost touch again

lots of body thoughts have passed since the last entry, but i vegged out and hardly came near any of my blogs since then... partly the kidneys as stones have been passing with lots of sediment, the latest was a really big one today... asymmetrical about a quarter inch... reddish and it crumbled easily, so still seems to be uric acid stones and sediment... and then the rhoids are lingering and this is a first... usually they go away with day or at most a few days of butt meds... i believe the kidney issues play a role in the lingering... in any case, sitting is definitely not a comfortable position and the constant feeling of needing to pee is quite distracting so writing as been minimal... so i used facebook and the news as a distraction... sad world out there... even sadder how some react to it...

still pitching and playing softball though... maybe the universe knows, but most games have been rained out during the past three weeks... played this week though, won two tonight and lost two on wednesday... hitting ok, pitching oj, not up to my standards but everybody's happy with it... sunday i had a streak of no outs in five weeks going but flew out to end that in my last at bat this sunday... pushing the body is how i deal with challenges... drinking tons of water... working on foods i choose and more than anything smaller more frequent meals... eating once a day may be one of the triggers for the kidneys and maybe even pointing me toward diabetes... the check up will come when i get health insurance again...

the body laughs and cries and curses me and wants to be nursed... can't always get what you want, so i give myself what i need... and that's the physical experience update for now... for the record... for me... and for anyone who cares... hope life is smiling for you and your body :}

big one passed

didn't catch it cuz i was half asleep (and that is what was and still is needed most, long deep sleep), but a big kidney stone finally made it out... that was how many days?... more than 2 as in more than 48 hours... the worst of this started saturday during the day, so almost 60 hours, but i think this actually started thursday during the day and it is possible this started with the hemmorhoids last week or whenever they started and even longer before that when jackson came home with the flu, though the symptoms of the flu and kidney stones or kidney infection can be so similar... the flaring of the external hemmorhoid is more than prior incidents, though it did seem to get worse as the blockage did... and who knows if it's done...

and here's the even more annoying rub... once again, coincidence or causality, but definitely consistent correlation, an attempt at getting back in shape triggers the stones... formation, perhaps, though i know i have some in there )in the kidneys) and there's no reason to suspect more haven't formed over the years since the last check... movement most definitely... maybe because there are poisons stored in the fat cells... definitely because the body flushes more liquid when i run... this time it only took two days in a row... and i blamed the pizza... but then, nitrates and cheeses and tomatoes and spices also correlate and may play a role... and the exercise... and the hot steamy showers (which came first, cuz they certainly help more than anything else)... anyway, it all came together and at least one big stone passed and the urge to pee that subsided slightly (which usually happens when a stone moves into the bladder) and reawoke big time about six hours ago when diarrhea maximized and urine was definitely blocked (nausea grew to the point where i actually consumed some pepto-bismol, an extremely rare occurrence for me) seems to have passed too, at least for the moment... and the hemmorhoid and diarrhea?... could be everything is numb... definitely not marathon ready...

overall exhaustion, numbness, lots of burps, hopefully done, but...

time will tell...

ouch, phew

a very rough night... kidney stones or food poisoning, but food poisoning would show up right away, not twelve hours later... and is food poisoning localized the the kidney to bladder path?... still, i threw out the half a pizza leftover and you know that is an extreme rarity... it is possible the meats were not cooked enough as two of them were older... kidney stones were more still likely the culprit for the rough night... the chills, clammy skin, nausea, diarrhea, headache, gas at both ends, and most of all localized pain along the path from the kidney to the bladder... except for the latter though, it could have been food poisoning... just didn't effect the digestive tract until the exit end... the stomach passes everything along... steamy hot showers helped, but the pain returned and woke me... sleep came in spurts, waking every hour due to the kidney or arm or so to urinate... it was a rough night for the body...

still woke and headed to play softball... gotta keep living :}

another day two

asking how many day twos there have been over the years might be depressing (might?) but hey, i've never been one to shy away from a good depression... still, it would take too long to search just the records i've kept and have with me and the point would be beating a dead horse (he's not dead yet) so at least there is another day two which is a whole lot better than not having another day two since a pause is inevitable and healthy... always find the positive spin and you may never spin out of control... or something like that...

all philosophy and the like aside, 5 laps, 31:59.4 total time... lap 1 5:59.1, lap 2 6:18.3, lap 3 6:33.1, lap 4 6:59;5, lap 5 6:10.4... more strain slight pain left shin, more strain overall, slight pain right pectoral, slight strain right biceps, slight strain 1st lap abs, overall leg fatigue and lung fatigue... higher/faster lactic acid build up... rhoids sore, improving... warmer temps, higher humidity... 74 degrees, 94% humidity... heavy air... passing red gravel kidney stones and sediment yesterday... ate red meat and spices yesterday... considered resting today what with two softball games tonight but woke and dressed and headed out in a bit of a blur, so yay i think...

continue...

no, really?...

five laps, whatever a lap is... @5:10 the first, @7:23.6 the second, 5:53.7 the third, 6:27.1 the fourth, and 5:56.4 the fifth... somehow i ought to measure the lap, and yet, why isa fair question... until i am actually running them, it's a relatively moot point... i actually jogged most of the first and the time might have been closer to 4:30, but i did not reset the laps until the second lap so oh well, better to start at a more reasonable lap time since i walked most of the second lap due to the push in the first... goal, for what goals are worth, is a 4 minute laps time... bigger goal, for what bigger goals are worth, is 6 laps in 30 minutes... goal that might just begin to satisfy me is 10 laps in 30 minutes, if i live so long... the lap is not flat and has some challenging inclines and a few corners, but it'll do until i expand to a bigger lap (or a change of direction) when muscles request it... overall, no major pain... some pain in right arm, right chest (caught a high po-up with my pectoral muscle today... ouch)... mild strain in right achilles and left ankle... no strain, no gain... sing the song, bang the drum, la la la...

so it took how long?... more than two months to get to even a partial run in this new blip blip ding ding ding... excuse me, windows defender glitch... ok, so the foolish self destruct button continues to be my favorite toy as if daring anyone to notice and care is the way to find the one, or a true friend, even... who's the idiot?...

oh, and 30:50.8 total 5 lap time... meanwhile, the rhoid is only slightly better... hopefully it is a rhoid, after all... no blood, just tenderness and pain to the touch... aren't you glad you asked?...

narf :}

another year older and so on

not so much deeper in debt, just draining savings like there's no tomorrow cuz my roommie isn't sharing any bills lately, like since december, and while she's one of my best friends and my adopted family, having a roommate was supposed to help both of us, not just her... feeling the stress in the body, so it is mentioned here... and feeling the years pass more deeply, which is nothing new, but mentioned here because i had a birthday pass between the last entry and this one... jackson took me to an inexpensive chinese buffet i like with some friends... i see where some of her money goes these days, she apparently treats her girlfriend a lot... and i get poorer... what a whiner, huh?... well, fatigue here... happiness just woke me... he gets so needy when she is away and she stays over at her girlfriend's a lot lately... more drain on the body, physically, less sleep... wah wah wah... see what you get when i am woken up in the middle of the night when i wanted to be sleeping?... let that be a lesson for you, i mean, for the next time you sleep over... of course if i wanted to be awake, that would be a completely different bouncy story (weak snicker)... did i mention i am not enjoying a rare external hemorrhoid?... i don't remember having one on the outside before and it hurts more than any of the inside ones i occasionally get... sitting sucks... walking is not always fun... it's really a pain in the ass... no wonder i am whining, huh?... so what did the universe get you for your birthday?...

are we laughing at me?...

and for your birthday

ok then, besides dinner (if you really must knew my dark side), the universe gave me hemerrhoids... or at least one... external, no less... more painful than internal, especially when sitting, pooping, wiping, bathing, running, walking, bending, farting, rolling over, and, i imagine, anal sex (though i am not into the rear entry pleasures some seem to live for, so i wouldn't know)... in any case, it is more annoying than painful most of the time... and not as gross as it might seem... it was amusing to ask jackson to pick up stuff from the pharmacy for me... she said next time she needs sanitary napkins she's sending me... gotta find humor even in painful anal itch...

i know, you just had to scan back and find this entry... hey, i was kind, i back dated it and slipped in in here when you were not looking, after all... it really isn't funny... but we laugh anyway...

hope you got something more fun from the universe for your birthday :)

are we april fools?

i believe i qualify... but let me clear something up once and for all, or at least for the moment, before i go off on a self-deprecating rant once again... i am, purely and deeply and most of all completely, in love with myself... there is no doubt, no insecurity, no hesitation, no resistance, no question about it... i love myself with all i am, my whole heart, mind, anima, everything... yes, even this body...

now, a good case can be made for my self-loathing when it comes to how i care for this body... gorgeous fit people might claim, based on conscious awareness of the experience of this physical life when in an optimized body, that i am a fool (and not just in april) for the way i care for this body and there is no way i show this body honest love... maybe... i might say the same, knowing what i know from being where i've been (and no, it was not another life)... but then, i think i've learned and now know better...

in a word, balance...

the extreme fitness and dietary restrictions i once lived by to keep this body (and it's physical sensory apparatus) in optimnal condition was exciting, fun, and often quite wondrous but it was also even lonelier than any other experience in this life because no one shared the high for the right reasons, for reasons i could trust... there was always too much ego in the mix, mine included, and always too much external locus of control in everyone i ever met (the fact that i have almost none doesn't sway me in the least, right?)...

anyway (to cut this rather siddenly short), all this to say i am an idiot at times, foolish stupid and self-desdtructive at times, and the odds are very much suggesting that i will not live in this body as long as i could because if the 20-30 extra pounds i carry around (though personally i think 10+ pounds of that excess weight is/are water-sacks in my kidneys, but we can leave that for when i have health insurance again if i ever do before the body ceases to function, aye?) and the intermittent exercise i do... and while i can easily say, "hey, at least i do exercise, playing softball 5+ times a week, it's not exercise in the way i know exercise... it's been a very long time since i experienced the euphoria of runner's high... but anyway, who knows, all that running and exercise i used to do and others do just might be wearing the body out even faster than the bhudda way... i have proof that i have created joint issues by repetitive exercise over the years, so... who knows, ya know?...

what i do know is the euphoria i get from foods, while it does not replace the euphoria i runner's high, is still euphoria and the body loves it... and there's sexual euphoria too, which i would be happy to share with someone who appeals to libido and you don't even have to be a lottery winner or independently wealthy, nyuk nyuk, sigh... the point is, seriously, i am foolish on some levels for getting lazy and reducing my physical energy level and diminishing my physical experience in this life, but it's not all stupidity... just some (snark)...

any other april fools wanna come running with me anytime soon? :)