still not exactly paying attention

(still) the title refers to myself as i am foolishly ignoring the reality of the stagnation i am allowing this body to experience during this time when i actually have the time to comfortably rest for long periods between exercise because i am not working... and certainly the pattern of returning to work only to lament not having the time to exercise as i would like to will return once i return to work... so what is this self-destructive tendency i've tapped into, i wonder...

being amused at myself for my foolishness does not reduce the deterioration of the body due to the aging process and laziness certainly helps that deterioration along... so before i seriously accuse myself of giving up on this physical life, perhaps i should consult a good doctor of mental illnesses... but wait, i am living as the vast majority of people live, so if the norm is this self-destructive way, is it going to be viewed as an illness?...

dang, there's goes that pesky relativity again...

narf (what the neck is narf doing here?)...

hopefully it's a wake-up call :}

is it now or never again?

sure is starting to feel like that... how quickly we fade... ok, so 5 laps, temp 77, humid 31 the weather is beautiful for running, but the body was not... definitely atrophies and lost a lot during this two week down time and during this away from jogging running time... the muscles especially... feeling the lactic acid burn so early and the drag before the end of the first lap (though it was a faster than usual lap, still... 3:42.2; 4:56.6; 4:45.4; 4:27.4; 3:59.6... still in control enough to bring the last lap back down under 4 minutes, but still, wasted after the first lap and i have jogged faster than 3:30 laps before... pathetic is not too strong a word at this point... 21:52.0 for the 5 laps, but pushing the same time for another five would have been an unreasonable expectation as the 6th lap would have likely been over 5 minutes by itself... so maybe a 45 minute 5k, which is definitely pathetic for me (no offence to anyone who is happy with a walk/jog, but my goal is to get back to actually jogging the entire 5k and that is a 30-35 minute pace... sub 30 is still the long term goal... but it seems ridiculous at the moment as i am heading in the opposite direction way too swiftly...

wah wah wah, lament will not help for the long term, but licking the wounds to psyche and ego might get me back out today... i have not taken my brace or running shoes off and yes, i put on my running shoes and not my sneakers... seriously misjudged my muscle tone, resiliency, and stamina... shame, this is a shameful waste of human life...

and now, it is recorded here... motivation or misery, time will tell...

done for the season?

well, ok, physical reality... talking to the body... and most important of all, listening to the body... i did not swing the bat... in fact, i did not move the arm... i drove jackson's car so i didn't need to move the arm... i let it hang at my side the whole ride and the whole game... and it feels only slightly better today, so this not using it at all is going to continue today and and we will take it day to day... and now, here in this blog where the body is supposed to think and be heard, it is time to call myself out (ducking, but seriously, here goes)...

it goes back to here... and before that... in fact, it was during the long venting entry on that thanksgiving tournament weekend that i wrote: "i may have thrown my arm out when my foot slid out from under me as i picked up a grounder, spun around, and threw to third... "... i did not take myself seriously... i did not listen to the arm... pity the fool who does not listen to his (or her) own body talk, or body thoughts, to be a bit more accurate...

and the signs were ignored... even in the babble... and it is all too obvious now that after the initial injury and the days following when i appeared to tell myself that i thought it did not get worse, i lied to myself... i did not know i was lying, but that is the way it is when one lies to one's self... throwing from third base with the injury just one week after the initial injury is why i am not moving the arm at all this week... i was distracted by sudden life changed (end of income due to early end to three month contract) and ego probably overrode pain sensors and any good sense when i said yes to playing third base...

and then... another tournament in changing weather with changing conditions and no rest and yet another game the following day while being continuing to be stupidly ignoring the arm...

yup, listening too late... still not really listening... reading my own daily (manic distraction all-too-cool can't touch me" invulnerable happy-go-lucky self-mocking seriously irreverent blog, i made at least a half dozen decisions that aggravated and further injuries the arm by not taking myself seriously with an only the good die young no fear as in not afraid to die attitude and while there is positivity in the perspective, as well as truth (why waste time and energy worrying about the inevitable when that time and energy can enhance the moments we are alive), quality of life matters too and avoiding injury enhances the moments we are alive as much as not worrying about the inevitable does, so there it is...

and as much as i do not like this fact, sometimes hope is not enough... even when hope is all there is (i know this too well)... and yet, even with all my wisdom and knowledge and experience and (oh, did i mention pig-headed determination to not let others down and desperation to find some sense of ego-food especially now that i had no work ego food)... and i continued to let all the distractions keep me from the fact (but by this last link it was too late... of course i did not have to stay awake and then run a 5k the next morning on no sleep {awake 24+ hours) and then spend the day out and not getting to sleep for an additional 16 hours after the 5k, alas) that this was coming, the total immobilization of the arm... there are real questions about which games should i have skipped... the extra tournament, for sure... and not playing third base, for sure... and much better focus and time for myself, physical prep time for the body, definitely... and there is the proof, the documented knowledge of the timeline that lead to the intensity of this injury...

now i have a very real choice (without getting too over dramatic i hope), learn from these mistakes so this sort of easily preventable injury does not happen again or simply quit playing ball, quite the physical life and like most people, retire to the sedentary life... as long as i have a choice in the matter (that is i am still able to play ball), i actually would rather die...

so learn, dammit, learn more... old dogs do learn new tricks if they want to be older dogs... and the body says - want to live?... learn... want to play ball?... learn more... how?... read the word written and write more words thought by the body... use the blog right here set up to keep in touch with the body... listen to the body... hear the body... stop pretending it is all in the mind and respect the physical, respect the limits of the physical, and don't let it bring you down...

so here it is, the bottom line... take it day by day... and as much as possible without causing other harm, no moving the arm this week...

maybe next week :)

out of touch

and suddenly today i see i have factors including rushing, not preparing properly, being distracting, being frustrated and isolated, and poor field conditions - i hurt my pitching arm... the biceps specifically... and i shook it off and continued pitching and throwing, even playing third base when asked a week later and and the week after that too... and pitching in a second consecutive tournament the following week... that (because i twist the arm and wrist a lot when i pitch) and especially throwing to first from third base really aggravated the injury... then this past friday night i pitched three games and had to make fast throws to first a lot...

it comes as no surprise... really...

even the 5k i ran yesterday did not do the healing process much good and i am hoping it did not hurt the biceps more... even the typing of these words... i am wondering if this is hurting the biceps more... moving the right arm as little as possible...

so now i sit here very frustrated because i have decided not to pitch in today's game... and i am considering not swinging the bat as well... a few days ago, before pitching three games just two days ago, i was considering skipping the pitching and being the designated hitter, but now i am considering taking myself out of the lineup completely... that has me very frustrated... i will make the decision at game time later...

stop being so out of touch with the body... please...

another 5k

it's been a while since i ran a public 5k, prior to the foot injury, and it's been even longer for jackson, so we jog/walked the grassroots 5k in daytona (actually ormand beach) in about 46 minutes... i took it slow and could have easily cuz five minutes off the time, likely more... but i was also dealing with the arm injury and did not want to overwork the arm and running is better with arm pumping, but there would be minimal arm pumping this morning... also, i did not sleep last night and it was very cool and very damp this morning, so pushing the body was unwise... so this was more of a social 5k and test of the foot's healing... the foot passed with flying colors...

i hope to motivate myself to more regular jogging and work my way back up to running...

over-stressed

meanwhile, in the physical world... the injury that occurred last weekend was severely aggravated tonight for two reasons, the first because i accepted playing a position i do not usually play (3rd base) that required increased stress on the injured area (right biceps) and also because i was in a very desensitized head space due to surprisingly uncaring insensitivity from someone i was trusting (boss at work)... the details are written elsewhere, but this entry is to remind me how vital staying in touch with the body is to survival and injury prevention... my lapse in internal communication caused major aggravation to the injury caused by the original lack of internal communication...

wake up and survive, dummy...