Philosophical Dilemma?

Feeling flabby, soft, out of shape. More than ever before in this life. Aches are spreading in the muscles used for pitching and swinging the bat (much more the former than the latter though as I do the former much more than the latter). Frustrated with thr laziness and apathy that has gotten me here. Wishing someone cared enough to do something but knowing it is rare. Why should someone care about me more than I do?

Because that is what love is?

What is love?

aging needs no assistance

and i've been giving it more assistance than is wise in the past year, except maybe last June when I appear to have woken up for a few weeks only to go back to sleep as i stayed lost in the 24/7 working world and left it to softball to keep the body from completely stagnating... softball did it's thing as well as it can, but i've even gotten lazy out there on the mound and have not fought to play anywhere but pitcher and don't have not practiced hard for longer than is wise so we must admit i have been rather unwise... the mind has been neglecting the body and the mind agrees...

will this entry change anything?...

please?...

senses

so this just came out as i was waiting for lunch...

food is my best friend... also can be my worst enemy, but then, that's not food's fault... actully, best friend may be the wrong term... it is my closest companion these days... and most stable consistently satisfying stimulation and comfort and pleasure in this life... sexual partners come and go, friends come and go, even family comes and goes, but food remains... fun experiences come and go, great jobs come and go, even exercise comes and goes, but food remains... the pleasures of the senses in this body have carried me through the highs and lows of this life whether in relationships, living with friends, or living alone and as long as i moderate calories, food is a pleasure i can indulge a several times a day... now if i just remember how much i used to love running, i could enjoy food even more lol ((yeah, laughing, but body says there is nothing more true or serious :)

i guess i should come to my senses (seriously, aye?)...

alas, though (yes, this entry has an alas), the years seem to take a toll on the body and between working and aging, the body does not burn calories as well as it did (metabolism gets old fast in these bodies) and do not recover as fast and all of the senses lose their sharpness, clarity, and maybe even some of the sensitivity that makes them each so wonderful... hearing is maybe 50% in one ear and definitely lower overall... i should see a doctor about a hearing aid for large room social events because that was a challenge just this week at a work event... sight is still way above average, but the copyright year on cds may be getting out of reach and more light is definitely needed and fatigue factors in big time, but i exercise the eyes as i've always done and have not needed to reach for a magnifyer more than a couple of times a month and only for extremely fine print when i am tired... the nose has lost some sensory power, maybe a lot... it's tough to tell as olfactory glans acclimate to odors so easily and i don't depend on my nose much, at least not consciously... even skin, touch, has diminished some thught i am not sure if it is as irreversably as the others (without surgery that is)... and taste buds are still overwhelming so if they have diminished in sensitivity, it's hardly noticeable... the other senses have definitely diminished but they are more dependant on body condition, spinal alignment, and mental clarity, all three of which i've allowed to wallow for a number of years... irreverable?... who knows, if i ever start running daily again and keep it up for a year i will let you know... yes, the body still has the last word so there is hope...

everybody dance!

and by dance, i mean move... any sort of movement will do, but the vigorous the better... get the heart pumping to at least twice, if not three times it's resting rate and make the rest of the muscles burn... lactic acid is your friends... for as important as rest and relaxation is, moving is important too... there are those who cannot move and must accept being in an atrophic body and choose between despair and depression or determination to make the most of the mind (so it does not atrophy)... there are those who are born without movement or higher level cognitive abilities (like language or analysis) and the must accept life as they are (often quite happy just to use what senses they do have to interact with anyone who comes near)... the point of this title is to encourage every one of you (and me too) to do what we can do as well as we can do it and most specifically, move regularly through the day and move as much as we can at least an hour or two a day to help the body maintain maximum conditioning and regenerate cells as optimally as possible... let's start a movement for life...

yes, i can be positive at times... and this is just one more way i strive to be me, in this case using words to remind us to choose life and stay alive as much as possible on this journey toward death and to do all we can to get the most out of this life experience...

and make it fun :)

focus

slipping out of my mind, i returned to a state over two hundred pounds again and definitely feel stupid and definitely have poor self-control and definitely am at a loss of will power and definitely am in self-destruction mode and definitely wish i could be more amusing cuz i definitely want to be in carefree happy distraction mode again and definitely might not be for this moment as i ask myself to ref-focus on the focus that got me to drop thirty pounds as i find myself nearing gaining half of it back which is something i definitely do not want to face or accept... maybe it was the simpsons..

come on, be serious, this is a matter of life and death...

narf...

it's not all in the mind anymore

so four laps around the smaller loop of this community and i am sad at the state of the muscles of the legs and the state of the stamnia in the lungs... sure, i should expect atrophy since i have not run distances (running around the bases doesn't count as running to a runner) in more than a year and there is this blood pressure pill killing my muscle stamina and other aspects of the athlete i once was, but the layoff hurts a lot and there is no way to really know how much of this set-back is the lay-off and how much is the medication and how much is simply aging... crap, aging is crap... it's not all in the mind anymore...

and yet, as thunder rumbles outside and grumbles rumble inside and still (can't even get the legs to work hard enough to feel the stomach and core burn, alas), somehow, the light of excitement about writing and the hope of connecting and reconnecting with friends continues to shine through the bummer of the body condition... sometimes the spirit amazes me...

the body doesn't always like the mind...

seriously (life or death)

it is a choice every moment, to live or to die, specifically, to take action that is supporting and or enhancing living or to take action that is supporting or excellerating the journey toward death (which is how this journey called life ends, like it or not, at least for us at this point in our development)... and throughout life there are decision points and moments that are more important than others based on specific experiences and body age and as the body ages, the choice of actions becomes more critical because the body does not regenerate cells as quickly or easily as time passes and so the body does not recover from foolish choices as well and sooner or later, the body will not recover... so seriously, it is a time in this life to choose a path again, a critical time, more critical than the critical times noted over the past few years... life or death, what'll it be fella?...

this blog is a reflection of how much communication is going on between the mind and the body i inhabit... it is intended to record the body's experience in this life, hence, body thoughts, what the body must be thinking... it should record the effort i am putting into maintaining the body in as optimal health and condition as possible as the body ages... so the silences, the lack of entries, that is seldom a good thing... bodies and minds must communicate because they are roommates in the same house... the body is the house, the mind mostly controls what happens in the house... the body, at the moment, is not as happy with the mind as it wants to be (and it does want to be, for the body realizes that without each other, the body doesn't remain alive)... the mind, on the other hand, has the possibility that some form of mental energy or consciousness will continue to be aware after the body dissolves back into the stardust, the physical elements it is composed of, so the mind can give up on the body or simply get lazy in taking care of the body... most humans do this, some humans do this a lot to the point of abusing the body to the point of killing the body to varying degrees every day... and they call it human frailty...

it's still a choice... so what will the mind that contains my consciousness decide?... of course whatever the decision, it is the follow-through actions that make the decision real... so seriously mind, what'll it be?...

it is not enough to fall back on time will tell...

it is time to tell...

life...

owie

or is it owweeeee!... well, pain is so subjective it is challenging to quantify even for the same individual) even with hundreds of scientific questions)... it is also relative to mood and perspective and individual body conditioning and usage... for instance, i have an extremely high tolerence for pain most of the time, but certain areas of the body are much more nagging and would be much higher on the pain scale for me than others...

the shins, for instance, send much more intrusive pain into the brain than most other parts of the body... maybe i use shin muscles more than the average human... i've passed jagged kidney stones that took 30 hours to get out and torn tissue causing bleeding for that entire period... refused demerol until the 30th hour even as doctors were insisting i take it and other drugs (the demerol did put me to sleep and when i woke, the stone passed, but i am stubborn and only want drugs i choose and don't do what i am told, especially not when it comes to putting chemicals into this body)...

i've broken bones (ankle, base of tibia, fingers, knuckles, ribs {i think}, more) and refused oxycodone (don't like that drug... give me a quaalude and i'll consider it, prescribe medical marijuana and i'm all in... i mean, drugs get abused, no doubt (alcohol, anyone?... anybody crying out to outlaw ciggarettes?), and painkillers especially do and personally, i am personally opposed to putting painkillers into this body unless the pain will not let me sleep for more than 24 hours, but painkillers are needed sometimesand an individual feeling the pain should be able to decide what works best to relieve the pain... just individual body preferences)...

anyway, all that rambling on to remind myself (distraction, anyone?... friends?... romans?... countrypeople?... bueller?) that i've experience various other serious pains too... but a shin blow can distract me and nearly disable me for a few days more than other more severe pains (which is why i wear shin pads on my legs when i play softball)...

unfortunately, some balls hit just to the side or (or under) the pad (or so hard) that the shin is not protected by the pad and that is what happened this morning as i was practicing with a few people... it didn't help that the field was muddy at the pitcher's mound and even mushier in the batter's box so the right (plant) foot so shin muscles were overworked pitching and hitting and shine and foot muscles, especially right, were hurting after the first hitting cycle (the core muscles have gotten so weak in this recent coach potato phase)... nor did it help that i slept just three hours, if that much, and felt really bloated and needed to poop big time halfway through the practice (hey, tmi is in the eye of the beholder, ya know?) and there were no bathrooms around which slowed my down even more (not to mention not wanting to bend or push the core a whole lot)...

yeah, so continuing the babbling explanation of the body awakening that brings me back to this blog (which is needed now more than ever in this life), my fielding was sluggish and after about two hundred pitches (which includes two hundred bend over and pick up a ball and at least a dozen fielding plays), I decided not to bend and just kicked the back and either the shin pad was turned sideways or i turned my foot slightly or both and owweeeee! dangit!... i kept pitching and kept practicing but walking is now extremely painful... hopefully a bone is not chipped... not much swelling yet, so blood vessels are intact... maybe it's a tendon bruise... we shall see...

i am rambling in an attempt to distract the brain from the body pain signals but it is not working... no drugs, no distractions, just evelate, ice, and pain...

narf, dangit!

still not enough sleep

too much recliner, not enough bed... to much bend of the spine, not enough laying flat out in free fall... curving into old, or curling... the body is begging for a change of position and more sleep and on top of that, i am forgetting the blood pressure pill more often, which will probably lead to a stroke or heart attack cuz the body becomes dependant on the pill (dang drug pushers) and forgetting to take them (or running out, like where am i gonna get the pills after the apocalypse?... suicidal or self-destructive or just pathetic?... probably the trifecta triangle and trinity all rolled into one... an apoplectic apathy, or vice versa... fool...

still playing softball and still under 200 pounds and still waiting for the motivation to drop under 190 then under 180 then who knows but not exercising other than softball and not exercising as much softball lately and that is not just foolish, it is madness...

alone too long...

narf :)

pills

i almost didn't take the third pill and even more almost didn't take the fourth pill because the new blood pressure medication, lisinopril (wiki, webmd, nih, rxlist), may be killing this body (or are those just side effects)... tonight at softball practice i actually had to stop after an hour of pitching and hitting (no running) due to overall exhaustion, shortness of breath, muscle fatigue and aches, dehydration, and wooziness... that seriously sucks... i actually ate breakfast and lunch today, so it was not lack of sustinence or calories... it was not at all a pleasant experience, scary even, and i want it to stop... the med also tells my bladder to wake me every couple of hours through the night and i woke with parched mouth and chapped lips for the first time in more years than i recall... not good for the kidneys or for the rest of the body...

i ate again when i got home, too many calories today, pasta and cheese and eggplant... it didn't help, so i drank some chocolate milk for the fast sugar and that helped, so a sugar low in spite of eaching breakfast and lunch?... it was not hot out there and the sun was down... i will be going to another softball practice tomorrow where they will likely want me to pitch and participate even more and i am going to pull the coach aside and set limits, but that is not why i play softball or exercise... so the doctor and i will have a long talk about these pills in ten days when i see him again... or sooner if the unpleasantries get worse...

i hate pills...

the old 6.0

yeah, if i am to give into medical science, for all the debating and pondering and wondering and avoiding why eating brings sleepiness, but but all signs point to this, pre-diabetes more than other stuff... alas, the old 6.0 has been chasing me for the last ten years or so...

so maybe i ought to pick up some apple cider vinegar and some chromium again, and increase oatmeal, cinnamon, broccoli, spinach, and green beans (all of which i do eat, just not as often lately due to rushing through meals... and laziness)... cactus? (prickly pear)... and well-cooked soft pasta is an enemy, alas, but i prefer mush to al dente... then again, supplements can be so sketchy in quality... so much research, so much to speculate on... maybe even a sleep study... of course we could study forever and miss out on living (remember that)...

lose the weight, exercise more, balance the diet, add more of the foods above, maybe some supplements, and review the doctor's findings and recommendations... that's the attitude i am taking into the doctor'a office in the morning... oh yeah, i left out get more regular and enough sleep...

and the changes (whew)

the good news, no binging, right choices, and 203 pounds this morning... so ok, so the challenge is finding the right food in the house when i am hungry and before any emotional hunger or taste buds get involved.... if the right food isn't easily found, i forage through the fridge and cabinets and all sorts of less than ideal healthy choice might be found as i do keep a reasonable supply of canned foods and packaged foods (lots of pasta) for emergencies... after checking the kitchen a few times i was not happy and feeling a lot of fatigue in mind and body and the will power was waning, but it pulled me out of the kitchen each time without making bad choices...

finally, i found a can of chicken hiding in the back of the pantry and made chicken salad with fat free mayo and added chopped clams for flavor and some onion salt, garlic salt, garlic, and a pinch of a smoked seasoning) and it was yummy... ate it with peas... i was concerned because i've been eating tuna and salmon all week and too much fish, especially canned fish, is definitely not a healthy diet do i was looking to balance the protein and was happy to find the chicken when i searched the cupboards for the third time... and the pasta was starting to call out...

i know canned meats and veggies is not the way to eat healthy, but it is working to drop weight and i will increase the fresh foods (and try to make time for cooking) as the changes continue... the primary focus right now is reducing daily calorie intake, reducing fat, carbs, salts, and sugars... that could be done a lot better without the canned food, but at least it is getting done pretty well... max loss is over seventeen pounds as of this morning, 22nd day, which is definitely results... scary good, even...

the next change to eating habits is necessary (and should have happened with this meal) which is eating less... i ate a lot less than what would be a typical meal for me before this month (up until the 7th), but i definitely felt the bloat start early on and continued eating anyway partly out of habit but more because i know i needed the calories and protein cuz it's been more than 24 hours since i last ate and even though i was not feeling hungry, the body needs food (don't need it to go into starvation mode and start storing fat instead of burning it) and there was a total of 500 calories in the meal so i pushed extra in but next time, half the amount, stop when the bloat begins (yes, my mantra must be stop at first bloat from this point on, definitely) and save the rest for a next meal...

and i must change that mindset, wherever it comes from (the taste buds have heavy influence, the emo food addition too, and the old starving children in china {or africa or wherever) ploy adults drilling into kids probably plays a role even though i am a natural rebel and non-conformist cuz i care beyond control deep down, and other influences, certainly, for later analysis), that i must finish everything on my plate...

smaller plates, save for next time, and focus on the belly and bloat reflex much much more than the taste buds, that's what i've gotta do better... but at least i am eating a whole lot less fat and carbs and less salt and overall, way over on the healthier extreme... balance will come when the excess weight is gone... and after real exercise starts...

continue...

summing up so far

today is the 19th day since i impulsively and largely subconsciously decided it was time to stop indulging the food junkie and drop weight i've slowly been piling on for more than a year... no coincidence i had reached my max weight of 220 (every time i get there, the discomfort overwhelmes anything else like the food junkie or the emotional eater or any other aspect of my personality and i either stagnate there or bounce off a wall and drop weight... i seemed to have done both this time)... i will guage what the peak weight was after my doctor visits (oh how i love modern medicine, aye?) but it was over 220 on the crap house scale... 220.8, actually... that crap scale read 205.4 today... the actual weight is likely higher, but i will compare before and after the appointments to try to give the home scale a better value... anyway, weight is not just a number, it is distribution of body fat and how the body feels and the body feels better, though the distribution remains the biggers challenge as arms and legs ache because there is minimal fat on them to lose and the body fat lingers under the skin... the skin remains firm due to years of exercise and toning... the exercise started with 10 pound dumbbell curls and presses two days ago and the shoulders are sore and tight, but the aerobic and fat burning exercise has not started yet primarily due to high blood pressure (peaking at 215/110, which is why i am finally getting back to a doctor and will seriously consider medication)...

so there are the numbers and the facts and how i feel about the factors involves... day by day, i have the body on the road to improvement... if i survive, life will be good... if i don't i hope life will still be good, just without me in it... and if something comes next, may that be good too...

body thoughts consider the reality of no more body too, ya know? :)

remember exercise?

yeah, well, the stubborn fool who finally crossed the bridge to understand caring is a verb and actualization makes things real and diet alone will not bring the body back to optimal shape (whatever that is at this life stage, whatever that is), exercise, not overdone, is needed to burn the calories, increase muscle mass, and raise the metabolic rate so the taste buds can enjoy more calories without gaining weight... so the arms are a bit on the numb side because i just suddenly picked up ten pound weights and did two hundred curls and one hundred presses and after none of that sort of thing for many (as in many) months, the muscles are quite loaded with lactic acid at the moment and all i can say is let the rebuilding begin... there was a time i would do this with a hundred pounds, when a hundred push ups and a thousands sit ups were routine... whether i get back there again or not, i definitely need to increase the muscle mass and so on, so, hopefully this was the first of many nights of exercise and the routine will expand to other exercise and whatever happened to running 5ks, anyway?... meanwhile, if did get stricter about diet again, though not like the first week... will power is a fickle friend, coming and going like the wind... and philosophy...

yeah, i'll talk to the doctor and take it reasonably sensible slow... maybe it's time for another full stress test, echo cardiogram, and other such tests... pity i am going to spend this year's medical savings on band aids and ace bandages and the like as it's too late to schedule anything this year... but tomorrow is another year (well, almost), and i seem pretty dedicated to the change again... the body cheers... it would applaud, but the arms are kind of numb...

kidneys

this body carries a at least few pounds of water in my kidney sacs (water cysts or something like that inside my kidneys according to the urologist and nephrologist i went to almost a decade ago)... so a body abnormality or maybe i am part camel or perhaps it is an evolutionary advantage as the doctors of the past found no harm in them) that i'll likely have the doctors check out next year... i do retain water well, easily drinking a quart in an hour at anytime... i typically drink a gallon a day... and when i used to run, i could drop 10-15 pounds of water without any concern or cramping...

the kidneys also produce stones, both oxylate and uric acid stones, which is unique as typically kidneys produce one or the other and some doctors simply do not believe me... those doctors don't get to see proof as i don't return... it's been a couple of years since i passed any sort of noticeable stone, and at least a year since i passed any uric acid sediment (granular)... that is likely because i have not stressed the body by dropping weight... the stones and sediment always come when i drop weight... and the occasional kidney infections and/or urinary tract infections along with them... hopefully they won't return this time...

anyway, that's the brief history of the kidneys... for body thoughts, you know...

bodies change

bodies change over time and the teenage body that was 147 pounds once upon a time is probably not where i need to be or even twenty years ago when the body was 160... as a teen i was a long distance runner and biker burning off every calorie i took in... twenty years ago i moved and took a few years off from work and did nothing but relax, party, and exercise... the runner took over... but seriously, "For your height, a normal weight range would be from 129 to 174 pounds." is what the books say... I was below 1% body fat as a teenager at 147 and modern medical science suggests 129 pounds for 5'10"?... no wonder anorexia and other eating disorders are so prevalent in our culture... too much bad science, not enough common sense... so i will shoot for the 180s for now and see how i feel... and then, we shall see if the 170s are right for me at this stage of life... slowly, surely, and with some input from doctors... cuz bodies change and our expectations and challenges and limits must change with them...

meeting the challenge

that does mean overcoming the challenge... meeting the challenge can be quite challenging as the pull to give into what is behind the challenge is what makes the challenge so challenging and that is what one meets when meeting the challenge... so i ate meatballs and spaghetti for two consecutive days, with a butter-like spread, and the bloat is back (though the same amount of food i would have eaten in one day was spread over two, which is a clear sign of stomach shrinkage which is good)... ultimately i gained back some pounds, but have not destroyed the past two weeks of mostly strictness too much... overall, ten pounds down from the max and hopefully the next two weeks, another ten... or five, at least five... especially if i exercise... yeah, the body is babbling, what can i say... emotional hunger for comfort food won this weekend for a lot of reasons... as much as possible, i now dedicate myself to getting back on the strict track for the rest of this week... yeah, this week... in spite of the season of pigging out and the lobster at the chinese buffet calling my name, i will be the rebel at the table...

there's always hope, right?...

i hope :}

dietary choices (irreverently)

it's all about choices, everything, actually, choice and perspective make everything what it is, but specifically the reference i am aiming at in this moment is dietary choice... so tonight i ate a salad with salmon and ceasar dressing and some parm and herbs pita chips which is not sheer strictness but as it is the weekend, these choices made for a fair compromise... a chocolate coffee drink added compromise and the belly is full on a whole lot less than usual, indicating a shrinkage over the last two weeks... the good kind of shrinkage, the belly, in case your mind went somewhere else... since i am more than halfway there, i just might shoot for a 20 pound drop by the new year which would be a 20 pound drop in just over three weeks, 24 days, to be precise... hope i survive (smiling that carefree casual irreverence slightly crazy-looking smile some of you may recall)... ah, life is a short strange trip and may seem long, but it's so long really, ya know?...

and the body once again takes a deep breath and hangs on to the ride i give it... it is more fun that dying without excitement, challenge, and all the physical changes and stimulations, after all...

almost two weeks

so far so good for the second full week (almost) since the subconscious commitment to a change in health status and the results so far are a maximum loss 14 pounds and stable at 12 pounds for the last 24 hours... 12 pounds in just under 2 weeks is a pretty darn good considering that involved absolutely no exercise except the movement of working a mostly desk job (thought working 50-60 hours a week at it and being out of the house 14-15 hours a day monday through friday helped)... still, quite a feat for a mostly lazy bum lifestyle... and last night was a pig out at the all-you-can-eat chinese buffet and the night before was a semi-pig out on a yogurt and a can of tuna fish and a pack of stuffed grape leaves, so it's not at all a starvation diet, though it has included a few fasting days so far... anyway, that's what's happened to the body in the past two weeks... other than the wild sex orgies and orgasmic walks through dreamland, of course...

surely you are inspired to take better care of your body now, right? :)

another week

skipping the party food was a good thing, but this is the start again right now moment (not quite as all fired magically delicious as last week, but the craving for something other than the strict lean fish and veggies diet of the past week may have passed and hopefully another five pounds will drop off next week (max weight change was 10.1 pounds, but that sort of fluctuation is expected as a gallon of water weights 8 pounds and i drink at least a half gallon a day even in stay home sedentary days and more than a gallon a day on active days and two gallons a day, at least, during tournaments, so a ten pound weight change can easily happen after a five or ten kilometer run (in fact i once dropped 15 pounds after a marathon)... I should start weighing at the same time of day each day, but this newly renewed will power to actualize a dietary change is still not actually planned or organized... it's still just a choice each time i put something in my mouth and only today and tonight the choice was not lean fish or chicken and veggies... today was soup, not a lot of calories but a lot of sodium... and tonight was smoked salmon spread with cream cheese and crackers which is the first higher fat and carb meal all week... start again...

anyway, i would love to drop 5 pounds a week but more likely it will be about 3 pounds a week if i stay vigilant... hopefully exercise and health will be added to that focus this week...

what are you doing with and to your body these days?...

struggle

yes, the first few days of the change, cutting out the sugars and fats and caffeine (perhaps i should hold off on caffeine as it can be an appetite suppressant as well as a headache reducers which is very much needed when shifting from a sugar cycle to a fat burning cycle... so i slept and woke and worked and took tylenol and repeated the process and it is getting better now, the body is adjusting... it was a very challenging week so far, but the good news is the challenge is the pain and discomfort of adjusting to the internal changes abd not the emotional hunger or changing eating habits... is this the change this body needs to survive longer?... only observation over time time will answer that question...

but at least the news is good so far...

something happening here

what it is ain't exactly clear, either... but i skipped dinner tonight and i feel like i may have hot a wall... there is no particular reason, though subconsciously the history of this date, this week and next, may be a strong influence deep down (quite likely if i ponder or dig, but i'm doing nothing of the sort because i will just let it happen and not risk disturbing the change that may actually be happening)... yeah, so we shall see tomorrow...

something happening...

do i really want to die?

i live like i don't care if i live or die, but do i really want to die?... i don't think so and yet, here i am living a sedentary life eating more fats and sugars and salts and other stuff than is healthy and not doing any exercise at all (since softball season is on hiatus this month) and everything i think i know about living says this is not the way to prolong the life process in this body... it's a puzzling dichotomy, an living breathing physical oxymoron...

maybe i will start living better again tomorrow... or next month...

still i find reasons to smile :)

sigh...

fool

i do not exercise enough, enough being a minimum of daily for thirty minutes and better yet a minimum of an hour a day (more please, says so many body parts, including the brain) and i do not steam the body in the shower as much as i used to, enough being daily and i don't mean a quick cleansing shower which does happen at least daily, i mean a fifteen minute (or longer) hot as i can stand it shower followed by a five minute cold cool down shower... unfortunately, water is precious so i do not do the hour showers i did as a child, but the heat and cool is so vital to the body... dragging myself to the hot tub and pool seems too much trouble but even beyond the laziness, the privacy is the missing piece of that route... i miss my own hot tub and pool... and house, for that matter... regardless of the missing pieces and obstacles, i am doing this body and life a serious disservice by not exercising and steaming the body daily... like do i want to just die?...

fool i am these days...

for a while

i was doing so well for a while... i was remembering that while alive, it feels good to optimize the body and through physical exercise, mental processes could be maximized and overall peace and even euphoria was available for anyone... and being an enlightened buddha, the fitness simply enhances the pleasure and awareness of the experience we call life in these human bodies... sadly, the lazy blah period continues and that old black magic called aging just might start knocking on the door (who's delusional now lol lam)...

still playing softball regularly... hitting well, pitching great (ego aside, it's something i do better than most) and running ok, though slowing down as i slowly crept to a max life weight (about 40 pounds over where i would call my ideal weight) and allowing muscles to weaken, alas, working 60 plus hours a week and giving most of the rest of my time to others leaves little time for me, but ultimately it is making the choice to indulge my taste buds for physical and emotional pleasure more than any other choice available that has left me bloated and growing (wait for it....) old...

yeah, i said it... so what... hey, at least i am calling myself out here and that's got to count for something... i wonder how many strikes i have left in this life... shhhh, i'll remember that being this stupidly self-destructive on a food high is not as much fun as alternative highs... there's always hope (i hope)...

and how are you? :)

definitely not wise

while i am not visually obese (i am based on the warped bmi charts, but that's another story, or meaningless complaint, for that matter), i do eat to quell emotional distress and am thirty pounds over where i ought to be... though it i lost thirty pounds many people would wonder if i was ok because that is thinner than i've been in some time... if i lost ten pounds people would say i look good and the belly would be pretty flat... if i lost twenty pounds i'd be a whole lot bouncier (which might annoy others as i am too bouncy for some right now)... the reason for this is that the weight is pretty evenly distributed around the body, though not the limbs... i eat a lot of veggies and balance the diet well, but i binge on chocolate and other fatty foods like cheeses with pastas or ice creams now and then enough to gain five pounds in a single weekend, or day, even... this body stores fat well... lately i've been eating pasta almost every meal to cut back on expenses which doesn't help as the body no longer burns complex carbs like it did once upon a time (the story of a life in these physical bodies, aye?)...

seriously vigorous exercise used to be how i managed the binges and overall weight maintenance which is why i am not visually obese and the skin is not flabby (though it is flabbier than it's ever been these days... drum drum drum, beat that drum)... still, something must change if i do not want to age quickly over the next decade or few...

if we had room for an exercise machine in this place i'd have one, but... maybe on the porch... with a big fan... if i had the spare cash... so many obstacles and the space and cash is real, but the procrastination and laziness is definitely my choice... so hello again, body thoughts... hope i come back again soon...

and the body just looks up and grunts...

not forgotten, just ignored

so what else is knew?... or known, even... nothing new here, just the same old on again off again procrastination that most likely shaved a few decades or more of this life because, and this is a secret so don't tell, it was my turn to have one of those biblical thousand year lives and all i had to do was do what came naturally but nooooo, i wanted to try to fit in with the human race so i tried all the self-destructive games and here we are with decades left instead of centuries... yeah, i know, humans have the oddest delusions... bloat and belly, back again by popular demand (cuz the taste buds rulem, ya know?... and emotional eating is just so delicious...

what brings us back here is the 5K i just walked... 43:10 or so... i just didn't feel the heart to push to stay under 43... the pace was set by jackson and her foot, which is recovering from foot surgery, and her best time is just under 40 so she did great for her first 5K back after the surgery... we have a softball double header later so we are resting now... as for me, well, i have not been doing any exercise other than softball which, for cardio, is just a half dozen sixty foot sprints each game, if that many... not exactly pushing to improve conditioning, softball is more for fun and light exercise... though reflexes definitely get tested when a ball comes flying off a bat at the head (or body) at eighty to a hundred mph from 43 feet away... reaction time, that's the ticket...

i am not as amused as i might seem, though i am not fretting or beating myself up the way i might have in years past because life is a whole lot better with a healthy helping of acceptance... not if i can only reduce the complacency, procrastination, and other stupid human tricks... right, let's hope this next year is the big change back to optimization and last year is the last mostly dead year of this life... you remember the mostly dead, dontcha?...

snarky moods rock :)

thank goodness for softball

since i am not in any sort of routine exercise habit otherwise, thank goodness for softball... three games yesterday (sunday... two big wins and one close loss) and while the heat slowed me in the third game (three games in a row in 90 degree florida sunshine is challenging even with a gallon of fluids... ah, love the summer)... this week softball starts wednesday and thursday nights and there should be some practices on saturdays and i am determined to be more active and burn more calories, at least on those days... no word from the friday night league and getting back to two games on fridays would be great... but still, regular daily exercise is what is needed most... for weight loss... for fitness... for stamina... and for strength... so what's the hold up, fool?...

loneliness?... i used to love to run by myself, but then, there was also a hope of sharing this body within the motivation to continue running... the love of the runner's high was wonderful and enough some of the time, but the pleasure of sharing the body in optimal condition was wonderful too... so get back to the high and hope, right?...

apathy?... that's the short path to aging and death, ya know?... depression?... not so much, but there is a whole lot of it around me and i do absorb the energy fields and auras around me cuz i feel less alone when i connect like that (even if others are not aware of the connections cuz they are not aware of their energy fields or auras... and that brings us back to loneliness i suppose)...

break the cycle, even if it feels so lonesome i could die, aye?...

narf :}

a week-long softball tournament

should have been great exercise and a good opportunity to drop some weight, but the young team feasted on junk food most of the time and though the body still needs to nutrients in sports drinks, it does not burn the sugars in those drinks as well as it used to and the artificially sweetened ones are suspect from a health perspective so, i am not sure if i gained or lost after playing seven of the eight games...

and the weeks prior to the tournament were, well, as not noted here, only routinely active... some softball, though not as much as the rest of the year, and just foolish general laziness... time flies when you're stupid...

let's try to be healthier and more active this month, m'ok?...

surfing the landslide

that is how i feel when i realize how lazy and ultimately suicidal i become between walk/runs... that is also the review of the running apps, all half dozen or so i've tried... we can vent over numbers in a moment, for now, lament over me... well, lament with an asterisk since i did get out there again this morning (and i do continue to play softball, though only three times a week the last couple of weeks since the friday night season concluded)...

6 laps total time 34:36... lap times 5:30; 5:34; 5:44; 5:57; 6:11; 5:58... second best 6 lap time yet, would have been first best if i could have gotten lap 5 under 6 minutes... still a fairly steady pace... best times recorded for laps 2, 3, and 4 which is slight improvement... the tracking app andor phone screen did not work well so it is not useful for in-run time checks and it refused to stop when i pressed stop so the cummulative times recorded in the app are wrong again... but anyway, i got out there again and maintained a fair pace for where this body is at this moment, so ok...

meanwhile, the app says that the 6 laps was 9.26 miles... yes, 9.26 miles... so every other stat was ridiculous... like average miles per hours... 22.8, 19.1, 23.1, 16, 24.7, 21.2, 18.8, 17.4, and 7.5 mph for each of the supposed nine miles... laps times were over 20 mph as well... ridiculous... meaningless... just plain stupid... like an average pace of 3.48 mph... the map shows how inconsistent and inaccurate the gps becomes (perhaps because i run with the phone in my hand as my arm pumping varies), though i have not found a way to copy and paste the map...

whatever, continue...

not dead yet

and once again and naturally as butter melting in the sun, i feel foolishly stupid for waiting so long for another 6 lap sort of 5Kish speedish walkish thingee... ish... so i was able to achieve the second best overall time for the 6 laps, sort of, as i had what was probably a ten second lapse in mechanics and had to start the whole timer over about half way through the parking lot... but anyway, in spite of the humidity which was killer at 96% (temp about 77), it is relatively good to be not dead yet...

lap times... 5:24; 5:49; 6:00; 6:08; 6:01; 5:55... total time 35:19 (previous best 34:47)... no records set, just a fair steady pace and the second best overall time for the 6 laps... the rest of the info was quite annoyingly inaccurate, or at least random, as usual... this time 6 laps was 3.45 miles, apparently... everything else is just meaningless numbers and i am not in the mood to play with numbers, so that's the stats for this track... and i put the pasta in the fridge cuz i am not even the least bit hungry...

please continue again...

meanwhile, on the poop deck

for the none of you who actually want this sort of physical intimacy and if only for the record and posterity and the doctors who might study the human condition one day even as an anthropological reference, i announce quite unabashedly (sort of) that the ever so brief rectal bleeding (one bright red surface splotch upon the first wipe, tiny dot on the next) that sometimes accompanies what i take to be a hemorrhoid reappeared tonight which is likely due to a lack of balance in diet (pasta, canned and fresh, cheeses, salts, chicken, cakes, and snacks mostly in the past week with minimal exercise, lower water intake (more soda), and potatoes with almost no veggies other than a few peas and mushrooms) combined with general apathy, an emo-bummer, and increase in sitting... i also just scratched myself accidentally on the shin while tying my sneakers in preparation to step out for a walk, which is an extremely rare event (the scratching... the walks have only become rare as opposed to extremely, for the record and all)... the regularity of activity on the poop deck has slipped a bit as well and the poops themselves have been harder and thicker... hey, somebody's got to monitor the body and this is the place it's done, so for anyone unpleasantly surprised by this information (you probably do not want to check out the daily poop... lucky for you i did not link it here, aye?), why did you read it all then?...

meanwhile, after wiping the blood off the shin and applying a bit of triple antibiotic ointment, while more pasta (comfort food) heats up in the microwave, time for a walk...

narf :}

not dead, just stupid

yes, well, we'd like to be more positive than this title suggests, but hey, being not dead is positive in it's own way... layers, levels, nuances, and noticing them, acknowledging them, and embracing them... that's the secret to a happy life, after all... still i am playing softball a lot (though still not as much as i'd like), so i am not totally sedentary, but since i am not working i am more sedentary than is wise... the stupid comes in there, as i am not heading out for a daily run (or jog or speed walk or walk or whatever)... so this entry simply reminds me... if i was a more normal human, it might shame or embarrass me into not being so stupid, but being me, it's not working that way... maybe it'll be an inspiration of some sort tomorrow... today there is another social event, an all-day housewarming party... apparently i have too much inactive social life in this life and not enough active social life (no daily activity partner)... so i must do it by myself as i used to (most of this life)... create motivation, aye?...

the body is not liking this lack of enthusiasm...

that's why we're here, aye?...

learning, always

the cheap sneakers are dangerous for several reasons... poor traction on wet surfaces, especially changing surfaces (my lap has grass, sand, and broken often obstructed sidewalk)... poor support and stability, especially with my current leg strength and aging muscles and bones)... probably more, but the bottom line is the $10 sneakers i wear in the rain are not not not safe for speed walking, jogging, or especially running...

meanwhile, another 6 laps when i had to push myself out there in an intermittent drizzle with storm clouds threatening and wind and heat and humidity... temp 83 degrees, humidity 88%, dew point 82 at start... temp 78 degrees, humid 93%, dew point 77 at finish... yeah, so the weather is what it is... continue...

6 laps, 34:47 total time, lap times: 4:49, 5:58, 5:48, 6:03, 6:12, 5:54 (and that is all that matters, really)...

the rest of the inconsistent numbers are 3.05 total miles (same 6 laps was measured 3.67 total miles on a slower pace) 5.3 mph avg pace, 11:24 min/mi avg mile, 7.54mph max speed, 474 kcal burned... lap speeds 5.9, 5.2, 5.3, 5.0, 4.9, and 5.4... whatever, why even bother with kilometers...

the good news is a new best time for the 6 laps and a new best time for an individual lap... yes, so continue, dangit!...

more softball practice

i can get more exercise during practices than during games, but i must do it myself because there are no pitcher specific workouts (other than throwing batting practice and i don't do much of that cuz they have two new pitchers they want to work in for the softball world series they plan on going to in august)... i was wired today (even before someone gave me mocha coffee) and bounced around all session (without water, go figure... must not have been as hot but the sun was out more... just better hydrated before hand... feel really good)...

still, i want more... the body wants more... so, continue... more :)

one more time

start again... or can we start again please... or anything that might get the workouts back to a daily activity, right?... yup, well, 6 laps... 36:37 total time... 4:55, 7:02, 6:34, 6:36, 5:46, 5:40 lap times... and the rest of the stats, well, relatively meaningless but i like numbers so whatever motivates me to get this body out there, right?...

today the tracker software says... 3.55 miles (for the same six laps, i know, it said 3.07 miles last time)... 5.8 mph (for the same 36:xx minutes, i know)... 10:20 average mile pace (yeah, i know, as unreliable as the rest)... as long as distance is not accurate, nothing else but the uncalculated times can be... max speed 9.8mph (this is closer to accurate as i did jog the first lap and picked up the jog a couple of times in other laps)... 557 kcalories (who knows, aye?)... and now, on the the laps (times above)... lap speeds (as unreliable as they are)... 5.9, 4.7, 5.9, 5.2, 6.4, 7.0... so somehow the speed for the fifth lap was much slower than the speed for the sixth lap when the times were virtually the same and the speed for the first lap when the time was dramatically faster was slower than either the fifth or the sixth laps according to the software... right... it has become painfully obviously that the laws of physics do not apply to me lol...

anyway, for my amusement and motivation and whatever it is worth to you... the calculated mile times were 11:25, 10:29, 10:12, and 4:35 for the final .55 mile (remembering last time we just reached 3.07 miles for the same six laps)... meanwhile (light bulb overhead), the discrepancy in distance shows the fatal flaw in this software... for each lap (in miles) it recorded: .49, .54, .65, .58, .61, .67... so how does this software measure the same lap with such drastic inaccuracy?... i am sure the manufacturer would have some pseudo-scientific response, but as they say on sports center, come on man...

so we live with what we've got and the bottom line is the lap times and the overall time and the physical assessment by my own senses and feeling is what matters when comparing progress...

kilometers, aye?... 5.72 km... 9l3 km/h... 6:25 mim/km... 15.7 max km/h... and the laps... 9.6, 7.6, 9.4, 8.4, 10.2, 11.2... and per km... 6:34, 6:42, 7:04, 6:45, 5:58 and 3.37 for the final .72 km... and the distance discrepancy for each lap in kilometers, as expected, is very similar to miles... .79, .89, 1.04, .93, .98, and 1.09...

still, it turns me on to know and feel that i've gone out and done this pleasurably painful madness once again... not dead yet...

continue...

yeah, i know

i know i am slacking... i know i am not doing what is best for the body (at least i think i know that)... i know i am wanting something for a longer term but wanting something in the moment that is overriding the long term want... that is, the taste and lust for food in the moment is undermining and preventing the weight loss and stamina increase i would like for the longer term... but it's more the laziness... the mindset that simple accepts it's ok to not put on sneakers and get out at least once a day to jog/walk... that is the mindset i must conquer (as i have in past phases of this life when the love of the hormones released during running and the sense of health and well being was more important and attractive than the laziness and depressed demeanor of the couch potato)...

over and over again, huh?... sucks to be in that loop... note i did not say sucks to be me...

yeah, continue, even if it's just an exercise of words, continue...

sigh :}

softball practice can count as exercise

three hours of serious heat and humidity and the body touched the red line in the last fifteen minutes even with two full liters of water (yes, more water and some electrolytes next time prior to and during these practices during the day of summer)... it felt wonderful... i realized how much i missed these long practices pushing the limits and even though i did not do nearly as much as i wanted to (i did pitch at least 250 pitches and played first base a bit and swung the bat maybe 15 times, but because of the arm i did not throw the ball much and did not get any infield practice... the coach does not do any pitcher-specific practice, alas... still, even though i am slacking on the speed walks and jogging and softball is getting rained out too much, this was a good workout...

not cooperating

i am not cooperation and neither is jackson... when you live with someone and eat meals together sometimes, dietary restraints can go out the window... and if i really want to drop the weight i say i'd like to drop this month, i really need to stop pigging out on what she cooks... i can eat less of it... and i don't need to open bags of chips and snacks... thing is, i am trying to save money and when faced with that challenge, keeping the house full of salad stuff and healthy foods is not saving money... it's a conundrum i must rectify... of course getting back to daily exercise would be even more important than dietary choices... at least i am sleeping well lately... mostly... just sleeping my night shift... so why not head out right now?...

ummmm...

must continue

same 6 laps, 4.95 km... ridiculously less than the 5.67km for the last 6 laps... again, the first mile threw everything off as i did it just over 5 minutes... the runkeeper app has me 12:53, 13:18, and just 2.74 miles total... the sports tracker app has me 35:37 for the 6 laps... i had it set to kilometers so i don't know how that affected the gps measure, but it is definitely a lot shorter than any previous walk/jog... and this one was a walk/jog... the obstacle is stamina, lung process... and weight, must drop weight to increase stamina and pace for jogging... and i had my new balance walking shoes on instead of the asix running shoes, which made a difference in weight with each step... the heat doesn't help, but it's primarily building stamina and dropping weight.... anyway, let's go back to miles first for comparison...

6 laps... 35:37 total time... 3.07 miles... 11:35 mile pace... 8.7mph max speed... 472kcal... and laps... 5:14, 5:48, 6:06, 6:11, 6:02... i did press lap after the first lap, so the lap speeds are 5.2 (first twwo laps) 5.4, 5.0, 5.0, 5.3... of course those stats make no sense... for mile times it recorded 11:37, 11:34, and 11:39... very different than the other app... and for metrics... 4.95km... 8.3km/h, 7:12min/km, 14.0km/h max, 472kcal... for km/h per lap it recorded 8.4 (first two laps), 8.7, 8.0, 8.1, and 8.5... hot and humid... 87 degrees, 68% humidity, though it feels a lot more humid with heavy dark overcast right around here...

it makes no sense that last time it measured the 6 laps as 5.65km and this time it measured the same 6 laps as 4.95km... i beat the previous time by 9 seconds for a new best time, but of course the other stats are skewed so it was not the fastest pace according to the app... the primary difference was that i did the first two laps a lot faster than usual, especially the first lap... the foot and arm feel better after exercise, though the left neck has acted up today for the first time in a couple of weeks... weight and lack of daily exercise, perhaps...

the bottom line is no more 9 day layoffs, dammit...

almost slid back

but not... and not sliding back is a good thing... phew too... broke the 6 minute average lap barrier... and tested the other run tracking apps too... one is gone, the other almost gone, so i am sticking with the one already in use... i forgot to drink water today (how do you forget to drink water?... you ask)... well, i just forgot... that could have been not so good for the kidneys and still might be not so good for the kidneys but we shall hope for the best and i guzzled a liter of water after cooling down and will drink another liter soon and another later and another before sleep... sure, i'll wake up after a 4 hour sleep cycle to empty my bladder, but must not neglect the kidneys after all...

let's take a look at the numbers... total time: 35:48 yay... total distance 3.31 miles... avg speed: 5.9mph, avg pace: 10:11 min/mi, max speed 35.5 mph (oh really? lol), and the lap times: 6:08, 6:00, 5:56, 6:04, 5:56, 5:37... dang, just missed the 5:33 record i set yesterday... lap speeds: 9.7 (huh?), 5.0, 5.0, 5.1, 5.0, 5.3... kilometers... 5.65 km total distance... 9.5 km/h speed, 6:20 min/km pace, 57.1 km/h max speed (cheetah! lol)... and per kilometer: 1:59 (yeah, right), 7:04, 7:17, 7:25, 7:21... speeds: 30.1 (uh-huh), 8.5, 8.2, 7.9, 8.1, with an 8.7 last .65 km finish...

alas, that first lap error is even worse today... maybe cuz there is severe weather and high wind?... with both apps, the first lap is quite skewed... must be a gps thing... the other software said i walked 5.67 miles, so distance and therein mph or km/h is quite skewed and relatively (if not completely) meaningless... but lap times and total time, that's a constant i can use for comparison to measure improvement and again, improvement today...

continue...

pushing more

i woke today not really feeling it and concerned about the back handling another 5K speed walk and yet, i stepped out there anyway and it was a tough go the first lap but i pushed and kept pushing and just missed reaching the sub 6 minute mark for average lap time... so the best overall 6 lap time yet came out of a morning i really did not feel it (it being the energy, the will, the confidence, the desire, the comfort, the drive, the stamina, the ... and whatever)... the back was tight after, but a hot shower and laying flat for ten minutes helped a bit... we hope the back feels better later in the day...

so 6 laps... 36:07 total time.. 3.27 miles (5.27 km)... 5.4 mph (8.7 kph)... 11:02 min/mi (6:51 min/km)... 21.9 mph (35.2 kph) max speed... 513 calories... laps: 6:15, 6:05, 6:01, 5:57, 6:14, 5:33... and lap speeds: 5.0, 5.6, 5.4, 5.8, 5.4, 5.3 m[h... in metric: 8.1, 9.1, 8.8, 9.3, 8.7, 8.6 kph... obviously the final lap speed is not accurate since it was the fastest lap time by almost 30 seconds... very questionable stats... mile times: 11:06, 10:35, 11:28... mile speeds: 5.4, 5.7, 5.2 with a 5.6 kick for .27 miles... kilometer times: 7:19, 6:24, 6:21, 6:59, 7:19... kilometer speeds: 8.2, 9.4, 9.4, 8.6, 8.2, with a 9.4 kick for the last .27 km... 83 degrees with 75% humidity... breathing 5-5 lap one, 4-4 laps two, three, and four, 3-3 laps five and six with a 3-2 final kick from the community entrance...

yesterday, walking the same 6 laps, the tracker app recorded 3.31 miles... that's a difference of distance of about 70 yards, more than two thirds the length of a football field... and does it calculate speed and the rest based on this?... definitely not consistent sessions to session, so all the stats must be taken with a major grain of salt... the final lap speed discrepancy shows this flaw provides inaccurate stats so why bother?... might be time to try another app...

still, continue...

pacing slowly

that is, i am remembering how to pace and starting to actually use pacing, but slowly... another speed walk today, 6 laps this time... i am going to attempt to make 6 laps every other day an unofficial goal baring pains or unforeseen circumstances... that way i get an unofficial 5K time, though again, the measurement of the phone app is questionable as the mile marker is inconsistent and definitely dependant on the speed... anyway, 6 laps... 37:15 total time... 3.31 miles (5.32km) total distance... 5.3mph (8.6kph) average speed... 11:16 min/mi (7:00 min/km) average pace... 9.1mph (14.6kph) max speed... 518 calories... laps: 6:17, 6:15, 6:17, 6:13, 6:16, 5:55... lap speeds: 5.0, 5.3, 5.3, 5.2, 5.1, 6.0... by kilometers: 7:09, 6:45, 7:25, 7:19, 6:51... speed by kilometer: 8.4, 8.9, 8.1, 8.2, 8.8, and final 0.32 km: 10.9...

hmmmmm, as unaccustomed to working in metric as i am, the measurements seem easier to compare at the distances i am walking... but then again, i may just be liking the breakdown giving a "kick" time and more, kick pace... using miles, each mile time would be: 11:36, 11:33, 11:03, and a .31 mile kick in 3:02 and in mph that's 5.2, 5.2, 5.4, and a.31 mile kick of 6.0... it just looks more dramatic in kilometer lol...

breathing 5-5 laps one and two, 4-4 laps three, four, and five... 3-3 lap six with a 3-2 final kick from the community entrance... humidity was near 100% as it had just rained and the steam was rising off the ground... temps varied depending on the app or weather site between 81 and 86 degrees... it definitely felt in the higher end of the range as i was dripping perspiration from the brow already during the second lap and i was not pushing as much as two days ago when i wasn't dripping from the brow until the fifth lap... the shirt is also much wetter... summer is definitely arriving...

continue...

focusing a bit better

waking a bit later (9am-ish) than yesterday (woke 6am) and waiting a couple of hours to spend some time with jackson did not distract me today as it did yesterday... i did not let myself use anything as an excuse... and truly, nothing outside of myself is a valid excuse... and the results, a good speed walk it is... 5 laps... 30:31 total time... 2.65 miles total distance... 5.2 mph average speed... 11:30 average mile pace... 6.8 mph max speed... 410 calories... lap times: 6:15, 6:12, 6:07, 6:06, 5:40... average laps speeds: 5.0, 5.1, 5.2, 5.3, 5.5 mph... 85 degrees and 65 percent humidity... sunny... best lap times and speed for each of the five laps, best overall time and speed...

speed definitely affects distance measured by the workout tracker... it will definitely be interesting to see how i can do in a measured 5k... according to today's times, and i could have picked it up a bit, though not too much more at this point (and i must start setting 6 laps as the goal as it appears that 6 laps is just over 5k... yes, actually, i can switch to metric and see this 5 laps was 4.26km and i can see my 5k times on the two longer (and slower) walks from earlier in the week as 39 minutes {8.2kph pace} and 36:25 minutes {8.4kph pace} and today was faster than either of those at an 8.4kph pace and i could have kept that up one more lap if i pushed it... but i still question the accuracy of the distance measurements)...

still, i am pleased with today as a sign of progress and during the walk i remembered and reaffirmed and most importantly of all, readjusted my attitude and perspective that increasing stamina, both muscle and aerobic, takes time... and i have been fooling myself in the past thinking it would not take months and that lead to stopping the progress (as documented right here in this blog over the years) because of lack of focus and depression over 'getting old' and it 'being too late' which is stupid self-defeating thinking that i will hopefully not return to again...

yes, continue...

must focus on me

waking to help jackson wake up and start her day with energy backfired on me as after an hour just to get her out of bed and then an hour of trying to motivate her to take and walk and exercise and then an hour of wondering how to do a better job of getting her to do what she says she really wants to do (wake up early, exercise, get work done, and most of all focus on getting these and other things done), i somehow lost my focus and interest in doing a speed walk... partly due to my back stiffening up and partly due to the fact that i had two softball games to play tonight and partly because i was disillusioned amd partly because i am empathic and absorb energy levels around me, i skipped another day...

tonight, however, i excelled at softball... pitching great (only one non-intentional walk in two games), hitting great (5 for 6 in two games, five rbi, 4 runs), fielding very good (just twice my arm got in the way of a throw to first from the third base side), also pinch ran three times and scored all three times... running better, faster, with less fatigue... so two weeks of the speed walking definitely has results already and i am not even getting serious about pacing and sprint work... or jogging or running., for that matter... so even though i skipped the morning, good news today...

continue...

tentative re-start

still some definite stiffness in all leg muscles and lower back muscles... pain in lower leg muscles even at a slightly slower pace (could be the slightly slower pace was asking more from the lower leg muscles)... completeted five laps... could have gone further and probably would have walked through the lower leg pain, but the back needs to be ok for two softball games tomorrow and one on sunday, so no pushing... 34:33 total time... lap times: 7:00, 6:53, 6:54, 6:58, 6:46... 2.87 miles total distance... 12:02 average mile time... 5.0 mph average speed... max speed 12.2 mph... lap speeds 4,4, 5.1, 5.0, 5.0, 5.4 mph...

though i remind myself that the gps based measurements are not as precise as i'd like (based on fluctuations between workout measurements... for instance, the first lap distance is always less than most others... today it was .52 miles... second lap was .58 miles, third lap .58, 4th lap .58, fifth lap .61... lap speed obviously affects distance measured even though i am walking the same sidewalk path)... so this thing is telling me that i can walk a 5K in under 40 minutes without a struggle... that would be surprising based on the 5Ks i've run/walked in the past two years, but we shall see when i do my next 5K... none planned, but there is a 4th of july 5K coming up i should remember to check out...

no pain with movement anywhere, just some stiffness... so it may be mostly stiffness after sitting causing the extreme back pain... hopefully that is passing... there will be a bit more sitting today than there was yesterday (maybe ten minutes in 10 hours yesterday), so we shall see if the pain is passing or increasing or decreasing throughout the day...

be careful moving today and continue...

resting the back, sort of

ok, so i skipped two mornings because the back said so and today it's much better, though still quite uncooperative when i want to stand up... once standing i walk fine and can run if i want to... i've been on my feet walking around, cooking, doing things around the house for the last eight hours and while there's mild stiffness, it's nothing too far out of the ordinary for standing and walking eight hours without sitting... i intend to be back to the speed walking (i figured it was accurate to call a 5mph walk a speed walk, it seems less pretentious than power walk, ya know?)... i suppose i ought to read up on it to avoid injury and know the best ways and equipment and so on)... anyway, until i start jogging again, i shall continue (there's always hope)...

the shoulder is not quite ready for upper body work but i must push the physical therapy (careful stretching and exercising the muscles) cuz the arm pain now is likely more due to atrophy and also lesions and/or inflammation due to the age of the muscles and bones... hopefully it's not becoming bursitis or any of the other itises... ah, the brain still plays like the body is a teenager... shhhh, don't tell lol lam...

don't let it stop

yes... in spite of waking with stiff muscles and a cramping lumbar issue that makes it very painful to go from sitting to standing and can actually immobilize me if i try to get up too quickly or move the wrong way, i went out walking anyway... while walking the back loosened up enough to keep up a reasonable pace, but no actually running... the belly puts much stress on the lumbar so dropping the belly is essential so exercise is essential, but carefully... and rest between exercise...

the tracker app says 60:53 for nine laps... each of the laps 6:47; 6:58; 7:03; 6:57; 6:51; 6:43; 6:35; 6:24; 6:30... total distance 4.88 miles... average speed 4.8 mph, fastest lap 5.0 mph... max speed 7.0 mph... 462 calories... average mile pace 12:28...

continue, carefully...

back on track

walking, yes indeed... and yes, hoping, always hoping... but musical fantasies and wishes and hopes aside, starting almost 24 hours earlier than last week after an almost 2 day break for rest and decadence (actually just skipped one night), i went back out for a morning walk... sun was up this time, which was different... air temps cooler (63 degrees with 84% humidity) though... according to the new tracker app, which definitely has it's gps flaws, the lap times were 6:23; 6:33; 6:29; 6:21; 6:30; 7:08; 6:35; 6:10... so total 52:13 for 8 laps... and it says i did 4.43 miles and averaged 5.1 mph with the fastest lap 5.6 mph... other data it provides includes 11:48 average mile time, 13.5 mph max speed... 493 calories burned...

the tracker has a lot to offer but it will take a bit of getting used to... stepping a few yards to the left or the right during the walk (like out into the street to avoid dog walkers) seems to change the distance measured and the speed so the shortest times and not recorded as the fastest laps... but it's not like i'm training for the olympics or trying to qualify for a world record, right?...

continue, dangit...

changing patterns

so in the past however many hours i slept on and off and feel somewhat refreshed, i did not exercise, and i ate canned pasta and frozen meatballs and melted processed cheeses and more (ketchup and butter spread, of course) and processed meats and chocolate milk... it is quite simply amazing what can happen in a bowl when ingredients, even canned and pre-processed ingredients, are microwaved for ten or fifteen minutes... yeah, amazing, right... i did not do the sweat-shower and did not do anything to cause excessive perspiration, however i did cut water intake from over a gallon a day to about a quart a day... no caffeine though... no soda (high sugar content in chocolate milk though)... sleep has been broken into shorter cycles and a 24+ hour no sleep period occurred in the past 48 hours... the body results seem repeatable...

the kidneys produced the reddish granular sedimentary stuff that at best tickles the urethra, creates a relatively constant sensation of needing to urinate, and causes discomfort in the kidneys and along the path to the urethra and at worst hurts like hell as the larger granules attempt to pass through the tube... other symptoms include a runny nose, which has occurred, and headaches, body aches, stomach aches, diarrhea, nausea, and hemorrhoids, which have not occurred (at least not yet)...