slipping out of my mind, i returned to a state over two hundred pounds again and definitely feel stupid and definitely have poor self-control and definitely am at a loss of will power and definitely am in self-destruction mode and definitely wish i could be more amusing cuz i definitely want to be in carefree happy distraction mode again and definitely might not be for this moment as i ask myself to ref-focus on the focus that got me to drop thirty pounds as i find myself nearing gaining half of it back which is something i definitely do not want to face or accept... maybe it was the simpsons..
come on, be serious, this is a matter of life and death...
narf...
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Friday, June 12, 2015
it's not all in the mind anymore
so four laps around the smaller loop of this community and i am sad at the state of the muscles of the legs and the state of the stamnia in the lungs... sure, i should expect atrophy since i have not run distances (running around the bases doesn't count as running to a runner) in more than a year and there is this blood pressure pill killing my muscle stamina and other aspects of the athlete i once was, but the layoff hurts a lot and there is no way to really know how much of this set-back is the lay-off and how much is the medication and how much is simply aging... crap, aging is crap... it's not all in the mind anymore...
and yet, as thunder rumbles outside and grumbles rumble inside and still (can't even get the legs to work hard enough to feel the stomach and core burn, alas), somehow, the light of excitement about writing and the hope of connecting and reconnecting with friends continues to shine through the bummer of the body condition... sometimes the spirit amazes me...
the body doesn't always like the mind...
and yet, as thunder rumbles outside and grumbles rumble inside and still (can't even get the legs to work hard enough to feel the stomach and core burn, alas), somehow, the light of excitement about writing and the hope of connecting and reconnecting with friends continues to shine through the bummer of the body condition... sometimes the spirit amazes me...
the body doesn't always like the mind...
Monday, June 8, 2015
seriously (life or death)
it is a choice every moment, to live or to die, specifically, to take action that is supporting and or enhancing living or to take action that is supporting or excellerating the journey toward death (which is how this journey called life ends, like it or not, at least for us at this point in our development)... and throughout life there are decision points and moments that are more important than others based on specific experiences and body age and as the body ages, the choice of actions becomes more critical because the body does not regenerate cells as quickly or easily as time passes and so the body does not recover from foolish choices as well and sooner or later, the body will not recover... so seriously, it is a time in this life to choose a path again, a critical time, more critical than the critical times noted over the past few years... life or death, what'll it be fella?...
this blog is a reflection of how much communication is going on between the mind and the body i inhabit... it is intended to record the body's experience in this life, hence, body thoughts, what the body must be thinking... it should record the effort i am putting into maintaining the body in as optimal health and condition as possible as the body ages... so the silences, the lack of entries, that is seldom a good thing... bodies and minds must communicate because they are roommates in the same house... the body is the house, the mind mostly controls what happens in the house... the body, at the moment, is not as happy with the mind as it wants to be (and it does want to be, for the body realizes that without each other, the body doesn't remain alive)... the mind, on the other hand, has the possibility that some form of mental energy or consciousness will continue to be aware after the body dissolves back into the stardust, the physical elements it is composed of, so the mind can give up on the body or simply get lazy in taking care of the body... most humans do this, some humans do this a lot to the point of abusing the body to the point of killing the body to varying degrees every day... and they call it human frailty...
it's still a choice... so what will the mind that contains my consciousness decide?... of course whatever the decision, it is the follow-through actions that make the decision real... so seriously mind, what'll it be?...
it is not enough to fall back on time will tell...
it is time to tell...
life...
this blog is a reflection of how much communication is going on between the mind and the body i inhabit... it is intended to record the body's experience in this life, hence, body thoughts, what the body must be thinking... it should record the effort i am putting into maintaining the body in as optimal health and condition as possible as the body ages... so the silences, the lack of entries, that is seldom a good thing... bodies and minds must communicate because they are roommates in the same house... the body is the house, the mind mostly controls what happens in the house... the body, at the moment, is not as happy with the mind as it wants to be (and it does want to be, for the body realizes that without each other, the body doesn't remain alive)... the mind, on the other hand, has the possibility that some form of mental energy or consciousness will continue to be aware after the body dissolves back into the stardust, the physical elements it is composed of, so the mind can give up on the body or simply get lazy in taking care of the body... most humans do this, some humans do this a lot to the point of abusing the body to the point of killing the body to varying degrees every day... and they call it human frailty...
it's still a choice... so what will the mind that contains my consciousness decide?... of course whatever the decision, it is the follow-through actions that make the decision real... so seriously mind, what'll it be?...
it is not enough to fall back on time will tell...
it is time to tell...
life...
Sunday, June 7, 2015
owie
or is it owweeeee!... well, pain is so subjective it is challenging to quantify even for the same individual) even with hundreds of scientific questions)... it is also relative to mood and perspective and individual body conditioning and usage... for instance, i have an extremely high tolerence for pain most of the time, but certain areas of the body are much more nagging and would be much higher on the pain scale for me than others...
the shins, for instance, send much more intrusive pain into the brain than most other parts of the body... maybe i use shin muscles more than the average human... i've passed jagged kidney stones that took 30 hours to get out and torn tissue causing bleeding for that entire period... refused demerol until the 30th hour even as doctors were insisting i take it and other drugs (the demerol did put me to sleep and when i woke, the stone passed, but i am stubborn and only want drugs i choose and don't do what i am told, especially not when it comes to putting chemicals into this body)...
i've broken bones (ankle, base of tibia, fingers, knuckles, ribs {i think}, more) and refused oxycodone (don't like that drug... give me a quaalude and i'll consider it, prescribe medical marijuana and i'm all in... i mean, drugs get abused, no doubt (alcohol, anyone?... anybody crying out to outlaw ciggarettes?), and painkillers especially do and personally, i am personally opposed to putting painkillers into this body unless the pain will not let me sleep for more than 24 hours, but painkillers are needed sometimesand an individual feeling the pain should be able to decide what works best to relieve the pain... just individual body preferences)...
anyway, all that rambling on to remind myself (distraction, anyone?... friends?... romans?... countrypeople?... bueller?) that i've experience various other serious pains too... but a shin blow can distract me and nearly disable me for a few days more than other more severe pains (which is why i wear shin pads on my legs when i play softball)...
unfortunately, some balls hit just to the side or (or under) the pad (or so hard) that the shin is not protected by the pad and that is what happened this morning as i was practicing with a few people... it didn't help that the field was muddy at the pitcher's mound and even mushier in the batter's box so the right (plant) foot so shin muscles were overworked pitching and hitting and shine and foot muscles, especially right, were hurting after the first hitting cycle (the core muscles have gotten so weak in this recent coach potato phase)... nor did it help that i slept just three hours, if that much, and felt really bloated and needed to poop big time halfway through the practice (hey, tmi is in the eye of the beholder, ya know?) and there were no bathrooms around which slowed my down even more (not to mention not wanting to bend or push the core a whole lot)...
yeah, so continuing the babbling explanation of the body awakening that brings me back to this blog (which is needed now more than ever in this life), my fielding was sluggish and after about two hundred pitches (which includes two hundred bend over and pick up a ball and at least a dozen fielding plays), I decided not to bend and just kicked the back and either the shin pad was turned sideways or i turned my foot slightly or both and owweeeee! dangit!... i kept pitching and kept practicing but walking is now extremely painful... hopefully a bone is not chipped... not much swelling yet, so blood vessels are intact... maybe it's a tendon bruise... we shall see...
i am rambling in an attempt to distract the brain from the body pain signals but it is not working... no drugs, no distractions, just evelate, ice, and pain...
narf, dangit!
the shins, for instance, send much more intrusive pain into the brain than most other parts of the body... maybe i use shin muscles more than the average human... i've passed jagged kidney stones that took 30 hours to get out and torn tissue causing bleeding for that entire period... refused demerol until the 30th hour even as doctors were insisting i take it and other drugs (the demerol did put me to sleep and when i woke, the stone passed, but i am stubborn and only want drugs i choose and don't do what i am told, especially not when it comes to putting chemicals into this body)...
i've broken bones (ankle, base of tibia, fingers, knuckles, ribs {i think}, more) and refused oxycodone (don't like that drug... give me a quaalude and i'll consider it, prescribe medical marijuana and i'm all in... i mean, drugs get abused, no doubt (alcohol, anyone?... anybody crying out to outlaw ciggarettes?), and painkillers especially do and personally, i am personally opposed to putting painkillers into this body unless the pain will not let me sleep for more than 24 hours, but painkillers are needed sometimesand an individual feeling the pain should be able to decide what works best to relieve the pain... just individual body preferences)...
anyway, all that rambling on to remind myself (distraction, anyone?... friends?... romans?... countrypeople?... bueller?) that i've experience various other serious pains too... but a shin blow can distract me and nearly disable me for a few days more than other more severe pains (which is why i wear shin pads on my legs when i play softball)...
unfortunately, some balls hit just to the side or (or under) the pad (or so hard) that the shin is not protected by the pad and that is what happened this morning as i was practicing with a few people... it didn't help that the field was muddy at the pitcher's mound and even mushier in the batter's box so the right (plant) foot so shin muscles were overworked pitching and hitting and shine and foot muscles, especially right, were hurting after the first hitting cycle (the core muscles have gotten so weak in this recent coach potato phase)... nor did it help that i slept just three hours, if that much, and felt really bloated and needed to poop big time halfway through the practice (hey, tmi is in the eye of the beholder, ya know?) and there were no bathrooms around which slowed my down even more (not to mention not wanting to bend or push the core a whole lot)...
yeah, so continuing the babbling explanation of the body awakening that brings me back to this blog (which is needed now more than ever in this life), my fielding was sluggish and after about two hundred pitches (which includes two hundred bend over and pick up a ball and at least a dozen fielding plays), I decided not to bend and just kicked the back and either the shin pad was turned sideways or i turned my foot slightly or both and owweeeee! dangit!... i kept pitching and kept practicing but walking is now extremely painful... hopefully a bone is not chipped... not much swelling yet, so blood vessels are intact... maybe it's a tendon bruise... we shall see...
i am rambling in an attempt to distract the brain from the body pain signals but it is not working... no drugs, no distractions, just evelate, ice, and pain...
narf, dangit!
Friday, June 5, 2015
still not enough sleep
too much recliner, not enough bed... to much bend of the spine, not enough laying flat out in free fall... curving into old, or curling... the body is begging for a change of position and more sleep and on top of that, i am forgetting the blood pressure pill more often, which will probably lead to a stroke or heart attack cuz the body becomes dependant on the pill (dang drug pushers) and forgetting to take them (or running out, like where am i gonna get the pills after the apocalypse?... suicidal or self-destructive or just pathetic?... probably the trifecta triangle and trinity all rolled into one... an apoplectic apathy, or vice versa... fool...
still playing softball and still under 200 pounds and still waiting for the motivation to drop under 190 then under 180 then who knows but not exercising other than softball and not exercising as much softball lately and that is not just foolish, it is madness...
alone too long...
narf :)
still playing softball and still under 200 pounds and still waiting for the motivation to drop under 190 then under 180 then who knows but not exercising other than softball and not exercising as much softball lately and that is not just foolish, it is madness...
alone too long...
narf :)
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