body thoughts

omigeesh

2012-01-15T18:33:00.000-05:00

aching like i have not ached in years mostly (we hope) because i laid off the exercise for a month or so and it was cold (30-50 degrees) this weekend and i was out 11 hours two days in a row and ate a lot of junk and drank a lot of sugar and caffeine and the body pain sensors are warping cuz of the daily aspirin and the muscle pain, elasticity, and regeneration is warping cuz of the statin drugs in the red yeast extract and age is starting to show signs of becoming the mointain it can and eventually will be as time passes in this life... as much as the brain wants to will the body to stay young forever, the body has other ideas it seems... and each time i feel this, it feels more alone... alas, the fun is worth it though (and the weekend was major softball, outdoor, friends and food fun :)

still, would be nice to feel a long warm hug now... in a hot tub lol :)

they call it pigaroni

2012-01-13T23:07:00.000-05:00

well, somebody might... so i was exhausted a few hours ago after a long week of work and driving (two days out of town five hours there and five hours back and long full day meeting in between) and two days of packing and lifting and moving boxes of paper (office moving) and another ordinary long work day way back at the start of the week and naturally, not enough sleep in between so i leave work exhausted (did i mention i was exhausted?) and head to play softball (cuz i was surprised by a call yesterday and said yes cuz i love softball but didn't think about the fatigue, nor about the tournament i will play tomorrow and sunday) and after the game i am hungry and here's where the title comes in... taco bell pig-out... T6 and T4 and Beefy Crunchy box and 5-layer and mountain dew (just a medium and didn't even finish it and there are leftovers for tomorrow, three tacos, yeah) and now i am wired, totally wired, fool, should be sleeping and i am totally wired... should sleep, foolish and unhealthy not to according to conventional medical wisdom, but wired... totally wired... did i mention wired?...

eat crap and feel great, it makes no conventional medical sense, but hey, it is what it is... and so, somebody come on and convince me otherwise cuz i really would like to live a few more years, ya know?...

laughter is healthy lol :)

bloated in tally

2012-01-10T22:23:00.000-05:00

so much yummy food today it was not even funny cuz i hung out with a co-worker on this business road trip who ate regular meal times and i of course ate larger portions and feel stuffed, as in stuff-fed... the nwhole idea of dropping weight before jackson moves back down is kind of out the window as she comes back down next week and i am max stuffed tonight... foolish games, stupid habits, but yummy, oh so yummy...

issues with tissues

2012-01-04T03:06:00.000-05:00

human tissues, in fact, most specifically anal fissure tissue tears, ouch... the body ages differently for everyone i suppose and my butt is aging faster than any other body part (ya reckon?)... sure, you are so happy you stopped in to read this latest body thought, aren't you?... cuz prep h is such a wonderfully fun (not to mention cozy and comfertable) subject (or ointment) to share... doesn't really matter what i eat, these bouts of tears come and go as does the hard and soft stools... it's more dependent on exercise and temperature i think... the first really colder weather brings it on, as does a lazy month... eating tough meats like over-cooked beef or pork (or even bird) does not help... milk sometimes goes one way and sometimes the opposite... ah yes, a magical mystery tour through my digestive track would be an odd and curious ride... anybody have a spare yellow submarine?...

otherwise, it's been a lazy month without softball and with pigging out parties and no motivation to exercise and chillier temps (supposed to drop below freezing tonight... i know, my friend up north mourn my climate plight, nyuk nyuk :)

here's to more life this year, aye? :)

ouchy day

2011-12-25T18:44:00.000-05:00

i wonder if, in the last months, weeks, days, hours, or even moments of this life, whether i will sense the impending death of this body (not October of 2013, really?) and start writing here more or will i reverse the pattern of a lifetime and actually draw away from awareness of the physical shell that contains the consciousness i usually call me... at the moment, i am feeling poorly, slept poorly, neck ache, headache, tinnitus screaming louder than ever... wondering if it is something serious inside, blood pressure growing tumor or cancerous tissue or something... or maybe just too much sitting around the wrong way... worry and thoughts could be the worse ingredient of all...

so i think i'll stop now :}

wow, really?

2011-12-24T21:24:00.000-05:00

the last blog i wrote in besides the dailies was this one?... wow, but you know this really ought to be a daily as the theme/topic used to be and should be and is even if i don't write about it and record the details... oh well, life (as in the body) does not last forever (not that i need to actively cooperated with the ultimate end, aye?)...

so what brings me here is the neck again... ordinarily it does not ache unless i am overtired or sitting in the recliner head forward typing too long but more and more i am noticing a potential connection with food, as in, it hurts immediately after i eat... and the ear rings a lot louder too... so something glandular to do with increased sugar processing or simply elevating blood pressure or some other food intake related cause?... or is it just the muscle pain i used to get now and then as a younger fool that reminded me to keep my spine aligned as opposed to sloughing and hunching and all that human stuff... or something else...

in any case, the pain is annoying cuz it is distracting... and today i hardly sat at all so far as i've been cleaning and laundrying and rearranging the space, but anyway, the body thought and i recorded the thoughts here... cuz someday someone might want to know... and more immediately, cuz i want to remember (especially in case i ever get back to a doctor for a checkup, ya know?)...

seriously, enjoy life no matter what the body says... and love the body, it's the only one you may ever have... thanks body, merry xmas lol :)

reports of constipation have been greatly exaggerated

2011-12-11T19:29:00.000-05:00

while the irreverence of this found it's way into another blog hole, the fact is these are body thoughts and that is what this blog was created for and it surely isn't used as consistently and positively as it should, so here's another entry... as the title suggests, the body does stuff every day that we don't much talk (no less write about, but still it happens and if we are lucky (and taking good care of the body overall), it happens regularly and well (and i don't just mean sex or masturbation)... in a nutshell (though it musta been a huge nut), i roughly estimate that i deposited twenty pounds or waste into the porcelain receptacle over this weekend (and it ain’t over yet)… if that is way too much tmi, you may be in the wrong place as that’s just one of the exciting features of this blog and what we are here for, after all… so i pondered and realized that on the one hand it is a blessing that this body can still process so much food from healthy to junk in such a short period of time (yay for the holiday season, no doubt) and on the other hand, it is a curse that this body does not get sick enough to make me stop such ridiculously suicidal (but ever so fun) pig-out binges of culinary and oral self-indulgence (check out white wolf café next time you are in town… yes, a restaurant review right here in botts, can i get any more . . . oh, fill in your own description term this time, will ya?)….

feeling good, though larger than life in too many ways... what was that declaration i made to jackson?... to be 190 and running daily and doing weight work by the time she gets back down here next month?... luckily, she didn't respond so i am not help to it, right?...

nyuk nyuk, narf :)

no barf :)

hydration

2011-10-21T00:11:00.000-04:00

a very rough week for the kidneys and renal system as what was probably the second worst stone of this life time finally passed after more than 24 hours of squirming and writhing and biting the bullet so i could run a two hour orientation followed by a one hour meeting followed by a two hour corporate brainstorming session and somehow the brain stayed conscious and kept the body moving, slowly, through the busy day... too much softball over the weekend and forgetting to continue the hydration even after i got too tired to remember i was drying out... in the heat and sun... and eating spicy deli heavy in nitrates and nitrites did not help... the perfect storm... off for the next five days now... gonna rest a lot this weekend... between softball games... and hydrate...

let's get physical

2011-10-15T02:02:00.000-04:00

i hated the song 'physical' when it first came out and now, years later, i would love someone to let me see their body talk...

sleep is good

2011-10-13T06:53:00.009-04:00

gave the body (and mind) a solid night sleep by closing my eyes and keeping them closed for at least 9 hours and woke without an alarm before the sun all energized and went out running (18:59.1 for five laps, which is about a half 5k) and gonna shower and write and relax and then head to work... sleep is good :)

so tired at night

2011-09-22T21:50:00.000-04:00

and bloated too... had two stop after two laps running to come in to poop... went back out to run/walk and with the stopwatch stopped and started again when i got back outside to start the third lap i finished under 20 minutes for five laps and i want to run more but a combination of fatigue and bloat and the knee (yes, still a little swollen and the run has it stinging a bit in the spot it was hit)... the humidity didn't help at all, but it's mostly fatigue... at least i got back out running... but i must exercise more, daily, and not just running cuz the neck starts hurting more when i don't... the bloat is weird cuz all i ate today was two yogurts, some hummus and crackers, pistachio nuts, and some chocolate milk... i am starting to wonder if the neck pain it thyroid related... just a guess, but instincts talk to me and told me about the kidney and liver issues long before doctors did... and they (the instincts, that is) tell me i will die or become debilitated by a stroke someday, alas... hate hoping the instincts are wrong, but hey... that's life...

woke a lot

2011-09-20T21:03:00.000-04:00

last night the kidneys woke me several times, possibly cuz of the excessive cheese i ate after a hard core weekend, possibly cuz i am getting tired of sleeping on the too soft couch, possibly cuz of other things... today the kidneys annoyed me with pain several times, probably cuz i didn't sleep enough... not enough rest is killing me, and not so softly...

crazy wonderful, sorta

2011-09-18T01:06:00.000-04:00

alone sucks in so many ways and yet, the amazement of maintaining, overcoming, surviving, and enjoying the heck out of almost every moment alone or not no matter what challenges come my way is astounding and as usual, crazy wonderful... so the knee shuddered as i wrapped it and headed out to play softball, but i played and the knee survived... the healing powers of the mind (and body) continue to be crazy wonderful... not without pain, but i believe i shall play again tomorrow without further damage to the knee as long as i follow the prescription i wrote for myself today... ice, wrap, and care to run consistently without harsh pivots or stop and go (even if that means missing a ball or getting thrown out, with apologies to the team, but losing me for the season would be much less in the team's best interest than my simply missing a play or few)... and the exercise workout was a big yay...

so even without a nurturing nurse (or close friend, even), life is crazy wonderful...

owie kazowie

2011-09-17T00:35:00.000-04:00

or is it an owee?... well, as mentioned elswehere, i was caught sleeping on the mound tonight and a softball hit my knee hard enough to end up in left field after it hit my knee and now i have a softball sized sweeling (almost) on my inner knee in a very not good spot since i have a softball tournament to play tomorrow and softball playoffs to play sunday, not to mention a game sunday morning... an aging body sucks when there's still a little kid living in the head...

this should be a very interesting weekend...

aching

2011-09-09T00:23:00.000-04:00

the neck, left side... nagging, sometimes sharp enough to not want to move, definitely enough to keep me awake lately... only comes at night after i eat after i sit in the recliner... getting worse over the last couple of years... probably need more exercise... doesn't hurt during the day, though it does occasionally while i am eating... thyroid tumor?... sure, go for the jugular (oh that is a bad pun)... gout?... yeah, i really ought to see a doctor and get this checked... some sort of blockage in the neck vessels pressing on a nerve?... rather lose weight first so i am not urged to go on blood pressure medicines... need to stop working so much and rest... need to start eating more often and not just one meal at night... need to take a long vacation... need to retire before i die... want, really... all i need to do is keep breathing and eat and drink a bit... rambling now, lonely, want a friend, want to be taken care of for once...

not a good feeling at night, but fine all day...

5K times

2011-08-27T18:29:00.000-04:00

the 5K may become the measure i use for improvement now... years ago it was mile times, one mile, two miles, three miles, all the way up to 15 miles and then a marathon... the fact that the 5K is a popular timed public run these days allows me to get out with other runners and get timed and the fact that 10 times around my apartment community is just over 5K makes 5K the easiest distance to time and measure...

it would help if i didn't accidentally reset the stopwatch as i cross the halfway mark... i did make the first half in under 20 though, i won't claim 19 cuz i reset it, but i can fairly claim 19:30... and the second half in 21:45 makes this a 5K in under 42 minutes... i will do an under 40 minute 5K this year... in fact, i may shoot for an under 35 minute 5K if i actually get my ass in gear...

i sort of committed to under 180 pounds by 2012 too... better get to it, aye?...

run twoo

2011-08-23T01:27:00.000-04:00

as in second also... or maybe third, but anyway, another run tracked since living alone... this time was more moderately paced and finished five laps in 20:35.9... very long day and very hot night in the mid-eighties and way humid even for florida... sweat sweat sweat... eating to bloat yummy but to bloat... heading for four softball leagues a week in a few weeks, so increase the exercise... gotta run more... but carefully, the body is at that sudden death age with inconsistent exercise... drop weight, increase stamina and strength, then consider another stress test and whatever else the doctor orders... take care of yourself, right... i care, how about you?... alphas?...

starting over?

2011-08-09T23:53:00.002-04:00

inspired to run by (what is her blog name, anyway?... well, sweetness comes to mind, but i can be {and probably have been} more creative than that... later) someone i might like to sleep with someday (did i write that?) and i focused (on the run, back to the run report) enough to actually drive the lap around the apartments to gauge the distance and so each lap is approximately a third of a mile and five laps came to about 1.6 miles... the first lap was finished in just over 3 minutes and the second lap in just under 4 minutes and i ran both in right at 7 minutes... walked the third lap in about 5 and a half, then ran the fourth lap in... forgetting... about 3 and a half... i do remember run/walking the fifth lap to finish in right at 20 minutes, so 1.6 miles in 20 minutes which is about a 40 minute 5k and reasonably pitiful for being as out of shape as i am by my standards...

looping a loopy loop

2011-08-06T02:41:00.011-04:00

yeah, the work load leaves me burning out physically at work leaving little time or energy for exercise beyond the softball so the daily fat burning and aerobic work is lacking so the weight rises not helped by the rushed meals in the evening and seldom eating any other time and lately even more, the sharing of decadent foods with jackson the last month or few as she too took the workaholic path and also indulged in the end time before her relocation north for a new life and now the emo eating as i adjust to the new solitary (and much much lonelier) life (at least until i adjust) and so, bigger than a breadbox, for sure...

so it's been a long cycle of up, down, turn around...

and now, change ahead, we hope :)

losing touch

2011-07-27T02:51:00.003-04:00

or more accurately, letting go... the dangerous floating far from conscious awareness of the physical as most humans do allow all sorts of unhealthy habits and conditions to build up in the body and that is not wise...

so cut it out soon? :}

bliss blitz

2011-07-17T04:58:00.007-04:00

there is no doubt that the unhealthiness is apparent and yet the pleasures of the lifestyle are evident in each moment as well and now that jackson is leaving (sad face) for a new life far far away (like almost 2000 miles far far away) we are indulging our love of food all the more (and there is so very little time or energy left for exercise as we both work ridiculous hours these days)... our bodies reach their maximum size as we both ponder the changes...

almost blind with bliss, we smile a lot before we nod off :)

pain in the neck

2011-07-08T00:18:00.000-04:00

seriously, tonight it's as bad as it's ever been, like majorly annoying and interfering with sleep for maybe the second time i can remember and combined with the screeching ear i find myself stumbling out of bed where i was actually going to sleep before midnight and sitting here trying to find a comfortable position for my head what with the left side of my neck right up to my left ear (and a little around my left eye and left temple) feeling really uncomfortable with occasional hurtful pain and constant screeching and discomfort... could it be the high salt contents of the three cans of soup i had for dinner, i mean, two were chicken soup, or the blood pressure or the too many hours day after day at the desk job or the lack of daily exercise or something else or a combination or...

and how are you? :}

you could be me

2011-06-28T02:51:00.012-04:00

in fact, most of you are... i refer to the poor dietary choices, the minimal exercise, the extra 30 pounds, and the overworked over stressed lifestyle... at least... and most of you are a whole lot worse in terms of distance from an optimal healthy lifestyle, but that doesn't help me... and now more than ever we (jackson and i) are torn between hedonistic emotional pleasures and comforts and the discipline required for reversing the unhealthy habits and process...

la la blah :}

letting it go again

2011-06-16T01:29:00.000-04:00

the body, the bloat, the weight... indulging the taste buds cuz there is not time for any other pleasures as work fills the calendar every day lately and nobody is around to do anything else in the few moments away from work... a body craves sensual pleasures, after all...

bumping it up

2011-06-04T01:25:00.000-04:00

free lunch at work, so i eat barbecued meat... dinner invite from roommate, so i eat sushi for dinner... then cupcakes... and finishing the night with chips and chocolate milk... belly grows... social eating... exercise (three softball games last night, but then the team went to celebrate winning the championship so fried shrimp and mountain dew... more ountain dew today), but not vigorous enough and so, bloat... age too... and who cares besides me (and do i care enough?)...

well, balancing the hedonism and health-nut life is not always perfect, but hey, we can always try again tomorrow as long as i wake up again, right? :)

feel free to jump in anytime :)

activity partner(s)

2011-05-26T01:12:00.013-04:00

that is one of the most important thing missing in this life these days, activity partners who will play will me... tennis partners... softball workout partners... gym partners... running partners... we won't even get into sex partners here as that is yet another story for yet another entry for yet another blog... as the years have passed i enjoy the solitary exercise i used to love (long runs especially) less and less and i want to share the physical fun more and more, so i find myself letting much needed rest and other necessary fun (like writing, playing mind games, reading, and communicating with others) take the place of solitary physical activity and without an activity partner that means not enough physical activity so... thinking about this...

anybody wanna play [insert activity] with me? :)

major pigging out

2011-05-23T22:30:00.000-04:00

jackson left for five days and i went nuts... is it the loneliness?... the pity party?... the self-indulgeance?... something else?... whatever, pasta and cheese and chocolate, oh my... probably gain ten pounds in these five days of madness... someday i'll die... wonder if i'll drop the weight and get optimal health back first... wish you were here :)

hard body

2011-05-14T01:28:00.007-04:00

just for the record (or for you and me, serious as it gets, if you care), if you want to get back to the hard body optimal health just let me know and i will get you there if you will keep up with me, but until you get here and show me you want it, i'll just enjoy life on my own and balance the pleasures with the health... balance being somewhere in the middle, not at either extreme...

so just bring you mind set on hard body if you want mine :)

yeah, right

2011-05-01T22:47:00.000-04:00

so after dropping a bit of revealing connection type information here for the offering for those who care enough to explore beyond the body thoughts, i chose to push through the abdominal distress and play softball (running hard, hitting well, pitching even better, yay) and then fast food frenzy the body tonight, including the mountain dew... so far, the body is not screaming in rebellion (if we do not count the ear ringing that warns of the blood pressure which is definitely high after the fast food and sugar-caffiene rush), but the wisdom behind the impulse knows better...

still, it turns me on (the physical pleasures of life, that is)... i so relate to the messenger character in city of angels even if the body thinks that just might be suicidal thinking... loving the hedonistic life for as long as it lasts...

and how are you? :)

a matter of time

2011-04-28T04:34:00.003-04:00

the brain craves stimulation more than any other part of the body and that steals time from sleep and everything else, especially long into the night... and this craving will kill this body, it is just a matter of time... but then, does any body live forever?...

last seen heading in a circular direction

2011-04-24T06:04:00.000-04:00

out for another run, 6 laps 2358 and 7 in 28:23, tougher than the past two runs cuz of fatigue, meat fatigue as i call it, and the heat of the day too and a bit of grogginess and not having the mind just right so the stamina wasn't quite there so the first lap was a push to keep it under 4 minutes as was every other lap, but heck, still did the 6 laps in under 4 minutes a lap so sigh (i mean yay)...

still eating the meatloaf so the wight is not changing, maybe even going up... the legsa are thin as ever, but the torso continues to be blooated... next week, maybe the diet will balance better... and sleep and other stuff and gee by golly wiz, i'm awful tired now... and just lonely enough to still be awake writing, aye?...

ought to get some sleep, huh? (narf :)

second run

2011-04-22T14:55:00.000-04:00

this week, that is... maybe the start of another increased exercise phase and maybe the start of a return to the physical me (if there is still time), but anyway... another timed lap count around the community, seven laps this time (this time?... did i even mention i timed a run/walk around the community one morning this past week?... 22 minutes and change for five and a half laps, setting my goal for the moment at under 4 minute laps for at least five laps... it was a nice cool morning and i slept until waking naturally cuz i went to bed shortly after getting home from work and while i missed writing and me time, yay for enough sleep and back to now again) with the final lap walked and the first ran and the five middle laps walked and run, or ran, whichever might work... this time i started the first lap off faster than last time (last time was 3:33 and this time it was just over 3 minutes) which, combined with the day time heat and the fatigue cuz i did not wake naturally, took it's toll so i didn't run three full laps as i did last time, but i still did the six laps in under 4 minutes per lap (23:31) which is the minimum pace i seem to have set for myself and the last lap walked in five minutes or so kept the seven laps under 30 minutes (actually 28:35 or so) so... it's a decently good day considering how long it's been since i actually was in shape by my standards (and will never actually be there again due to natural deterioration of the body due to time, but that reality does not have to be a downer as long as i once again reach maximum potential in the moment before i die... somewhere in my mind i always thought it would be this far along in life, just wish it didn't have to be, ya know?)...

well, maybe somebody knows :)

weighty thoughts

2011-04-20T19:45:00.000-04:00

amused enough by this (e)thereal entry that probably belonged here that i bring it here, yeah, that's right, i'm bringing it...

i have a doctor's appointment on monday and kinda sorta lead him to believe i would seriously consider a limited partial almost committment to actual dietary changes to fascilitate actual weight loss and gee, i didn't do it... so do i semi-starve myself for the next five days or do i celebrate my four day weekend with the dinner i so deserve and kinda sorta want...

the decision, for the moment at least, is to eat a can of vegetable soup. a bag of light pop corn, and some raw unsalted pecans... my taste buds are moderately unimpressed and that part of my brain craving a meatball parm sub is cursing my higher functioning brain's decision...

i don't know if i'll keep this up till monday, but i did wake early and run this morning... and will a week (i've been eating light and healthy since monday) of sudden strict healthy light diet will really matter?... only if it's followed by thirty more weeks (or at least days) of the same to change the metabolism and drop the weight and then, the occasional new york hot dog with red onions (had more than a few of those sunday) and meatball parm sub and massive extra everything pizza and piles of pasta with rich sauces and and decadent chocolate mousse cake and milk shakes and and and...

this does not bode well for a week of serious change... but at least there is a start... perhaps one day of decadence a week might keep the wight loss program on track until the magic 180 (heck, i remember a lower number being the goal once upon a time) mark is reached once again...

sure, time will tell :)

lollygagging

2011-04-12T01:06:00.000-04:00

without the gagging and come to think of it, not much lollying either, but still only limping toward the healthier change i am supposed to be making this year (is this the year i promised myself, i mean, i'm not 64 yet, nor am i losing my hair, at least not any more than i've been losing it all through this life, which is easily enough to clog any drain in less than half a dozen showers if i don't clean up behind myself, less if i scrub and brush, but still it's thicker than the average bear, and besides the point, perhaps)...

ate pretty health this week until tonight when the lobsters were in town and i chowed down... the body wanted to check in to say we could go any day now, or we could last another hundred years... life is like that...

focus for the next twenty days, will ya? :)

duh duh doh doh doh

2011-03-30T23:35:00.000-04:00

and the neck is a bit better most days, but the bloat remains and foolishness or hedonism, life slowly rolls playfully toward it's end in this body as the blood pressure remains high and the ssugar levels near high and other stuff too... and no exercise other than the softball several times a week and the occasional 5k and other stuff, which is more than some and i weightr less than most and still, the body is warned by the doctors and i have no time to focus on will power or wanting to live longer than today to do any different...

and how are you? :}

weirdness

2011-03-14T23:13:00.000-04:00

the body does not seem to want me to write, at least not in this chair with the laptop on my lap... the neck pain (and ear ringing) flairs up within ten or fifteen minutes of sitting with this laptop on my lap... is it the sitting back and looking down, some sort of carpal tunnel?... doesn't happen at work and i am at the computer all day there eight or nine straight hours at a clip and yet sitting here ten minutes and ouch...

weird body message... increase exercise, of course, fool...

survival

2011-02-22T22:09:00.000-05:00

yes, the body survived the worst of the recent attack (and i know i allowed it as a way to give myself more me time) and as the body heals i wonder if i woke up enough to realize the hedonistic buddha is a pleasure for the mouth and some parts of the brain and body (cuz the chemicals in sugars and fats and caffeine are trippy), but it leaves other parts of the body over-stressed and semi-numb (like the heart, kidneys, liver, skin, muscles, and sex organs, for that matter... what?... you didn't know fats and sugars and caffeiene are leading causes of impotence?... luckily i am so freaking over-sexed it just brings me down to almost normal... who's kidding? lol lam)...

so is it time to turn the cycle around again?...

there's always hope :)

cave in

2011-02-18T03:05:00.000-05:00

sometimes i just want some me time and the only way is to let the body cave into the bugs, the bacteria and viruses and fungii and yeast and any other parasite that lives in and around the body and so i did this week with the usual dramatic exaggeration that comes with selfish me time and three days off work were granted by the wise medical profession and yet, some bacjfiring may have occurred as more than 48 hours of fasting triggered the starvation mindset and so the last two days of eating put more fat into the fat cells even though i only ate two and a half meals all week...

dummy...

but the me time was sweet :)

kicking the bloat button hard

2011-02-10T23:05:00.000-05:00

yeah, food filled week put tons on the carcass and the madness returned quite suddenly as the fast food junkie took over largely cuz there's no cooking in the kitchen since the move has boxes everywhere and hopefully i'll unpack and set the kitchen up for eating this weekend so the fast food junkie doesn't kill me...

and how are you?...

aches fading

2011-02-07T23:51:00.000-05:00

was achy until tonight cuz this weekend was moving, box after box after box and furniture and achy all over, but getting better now... just don't have enough rest time cuz there's work work work...

hope this body lives long enough to really rest and relax and experience the whole of everything one more time before it dies :}

belly bloat

2011-01-24T00:08:00.000-05:00

yeah, again, the belly bloat was quite noticeable as i tried to swing the bat at softball today as my arms felt like lead weights and my belly taunted my back and so i barely swung cuz i did not want to strain anything further than already strained by the belly bloat and while pitching went fine, i must reduce the belly bloat and strengthen my core and upper body if i want to actually hit with any consitency and reasonable power... so says the body, core, torso, and arms especially... we did win both games and i walked twice and would have walked a third time if i wanted to but the last time up we were up something like 19-3 so i just swung at a bad pitch with a 3-1 count and lined the ball at the second baseman who dropped it but the runner on first did not run and therefore was tagged out... shows up late, misses the first game, complains all game, and no hustle, but i didn't say anything to her as we won big... my focus remains on the belly bloat s it should... tomorrow...

what?

2011-01-22T02:32:00.001-05:00

here i am again and my first thought was that i haven't been here in a while and i see i was here yesterday and that may be a sign of being overworked out of touch and losing my mind (as if it ever was all mind in the first place, as if it could be anybody else's, as if my self-mockery isn't thinly disguised arrogance, or perhaps the insecurity and helpless whining is the facade that keeps me amused {and alone} while i am waiting for the one cha cha cha) and doggonit, tired...

lately the neck, upper and lower, has been paining kind of naggingly enough to have a queasy stomach at times and even a frontal lobe headache now and then and did i the occasional foot cramps... fatigue, definitely, but i wonder what else... core muscle weakness, probably, but else?... eating one meal a day late at night and sleeping uncomfortably in a recliner or lumpy bed covered in dirty laundry?... likely... too much time sitting at a computer staring at a screen typing and moving a mouse?... ding ding ding, i think we have a winner... though the other things too...

like, ummm, maybe blood pressure (did i say that?)...

and yet, the mind and heart and core me wants to write and share even if the body cannot keep up with it... help me if you can i'm feeling down, la la la la.... so how are you? :}

bloaty belly

2011-01-21T01:35:00.000-05:00

softball started up again tonight and i noticed the bloated belly has become a fixture the last few weeks as i work 12+ hour days without food and then eat and nod off when i get home and though it did wake in the middle of the night and make it to the gym again since the last entry here, it's fatigue from overwork and eating one meal late and lack of sleep that's getting to me and no writing, creativity, sharing, and loving that is missing big time and so the body bloats... and yet, i wear large shirts comfortable, which means i am not as big as i get when i must wear extra large shirts only... maybe i'm getting smaller as i age... anybody wanna grow older with me? (cuz we're not gonna grow old, right?)... alas, the rub is that there's nobody around my age who plays softball and basketball and runs and stays up all night and still parties like a little kid and most younger folk just don't have the experience to understand and while their little bodies are cute, there's so much more going on in my mind than anybody else i know so... is this body talk? lol lam :)

three in a row

2011-01-05T05:43:00.000-05:00

this is one hundred entries for this body thoughts blog and the recent reawakening has now gone on for three consecutive days and while only getting 4-5 hours sleep, i feel more energized and in a better state of mind, though the muscle fatigue is building up and i must remember the heart is a muscle that needs rest and when it cramps, look out, so i shall try to get more sleep tomorrow night (just seem to be waking at shortly before 3AM and the brain filled with thoughts, too many thoughts of the overwhelming workload at work, unfortunately, it is not ready for more sleep so it drags the body to the gym, which is good, and here we are again)... happy brain, the body says balance, please :)

gym two

2011-01-04T03:44:00.000-05:00

so wise or not, i am not in the second night of going to the gym in the middle of the night instead of going back to sleep after waking from my approximately four hour name in the living room chair and while i hope i am not waking jackson or happiness and i hope i am not in the way nodding off in the living room and i do not believe i am as she sleeps with a fan on and goes to bed early i still must go with this recently rather sudden remotivation to exercise again and if i focus on anything else i might distract myself and let the laziness take the wheel and so i continue, i hope, and eat more earlier and less later and hope...

almost attraction, bloat, drag, habits, lam, lonely, muscle burn, pathetic, plea, pushing, ridiculoso, sensuality, smile, stupid, survive, waste, but not quite, aye?...

tired much? :)

didn't die

2011-01-03T06:05:00.000-05:00

just drifted away into oblivion when it comes to body awareness and such as i poured all the holiday foods down the throat and piled on more than ten pounds since i last thought about coming here... and tonight i woke in the middle of the night and went to the gym instead of going back to sleep and here we are, redidicated?... well, at least a bit more awake...

if i say/write that i will be back under 180 pounds when this year ends and stay they for good this time, will that mean i will be dead at the end of this year (that is one way to get under 180 for good, aye?) or does that mean i will finally take the life i've got left seriously on the physical plane again?...

you know what will tell :)

not in the best frame

2010-10-26T23:24:00.000-04:00

of mind all the time, but the pleasure factor continues to test the limits of the human condition in this physical world, much as they did at the fall of rome, i imagine... i wonder if they had their paranoid war mongers beating the drums of fear and hate like we do... care for some tea?...

the body probably would, in any case, while the joker and thief continue to debate the way out of here, there, and everywhere wherever we are, i crown myself king of the hedonists for one more night and for better or worse, you missed again...

hope you enjoyed yourself wherever you are :)

hiccups

2010-09-15T00:35:00.001-04:00

last week i suddenly without planning changed dietary paths back to serious veggie light cutting out soda caffeine sugar fat and all the processed stuff i was eating so much of (and i haven't had italian or anything outside either) and i dropped more than ten pounds to see 199 on the scale one the bottom-out morning... the body is about 203 at the moment as i pigged out on late night veggies with sauces the past two nights, but still on the way down and hopefully will see the 170s by the end of the year again... at least the low 180s... still having too much fun to take the lean mean fighting machine seriously though (but the teenage dream is not gone either, cha know :)

could be

2010-08-29T22:43:00.001-04:00

it may all come down to this, that i indulge my oral senses and body with tastes and foods and all the chemical reactions that come with the chemicals in foods because i no longer believe there is someone in this world who will really get me and more, want to share everything and if that person is not out there, why bother denying myself the sensual pleasures i can find that are out there... not frustraion, but pure pleasure?... what a novel idea :)

feel free to offer any other logical reasoning :)

my feet hurt

2010-08-19T00:22:00.000-04:00

along with 90% of the body as fatigue runs so very deep after many evenings in a row of basketball and eating less (calories, protein, fats, sugars, which is a shock to the system and created a rocky stream of kidney stones and sediment as the kidneys stress over the changes and energy is even lower as chill runs deep through the cells), so tonight i ate three eggs, sort of devilled with garlic, mayo, mustard, and stevia, all aolkaline forming stuff to counteract the high acid body that helps the sediments and stones form)...

it's an old friend ache... sorely missed... and no one is around to curl up around me and tell me i did good and it'll be alright...

sigh, and all :}

bloat

2010-08-04T01:32:00.000-04:00

one of the rare nights i want to sleep and the body is keeping me away with either a uri or something, enlarged prostate?... kidney stone?... some sort of cancer eating away at some vital organ?... or simply, overeating and bloat... not feeling bad at all, just like i need to pee and poop and a little bit explosive, but feeling good otherwise... of course bloat is the easy answer, the least complicated medically, the least worrisome and all that...

how are you? :)

hypocrit?

2010-07-24T01:33:00.006-04:00

i remain mostly bloated once again, stupidity by choice (which defines stupidity, after all), and maybe that makes me a hypocrit or just stupid... it's not as if i find myself attractive or think i am immune to the unhealthiness of fat, i just don't care enough to take optimal care of this body these days... sad, i suppose, and yet, i am laughing at the hedonistic carelessness...

hope i don't stroke :}

fat repulses me

2010-07-11T02:21:00.000-04:00

whether it is nature or nurture, cultural influences or instinct (debate away), it does not matter for the cause/source does not change the feeling... even when i am only minimally repulsed, there is no attraction, period... as much as i love myself, my own fat repulses me when i see too much of it and too much is a roll, too much is skin that does not have visible muscle tone, not even close to body builder for too much muscle is too much to be attractive to me too, but visible muscle tone beneath the firm skin... without this, any attempt at physical intimacy is a waste of time and i do not want to fake it or be harsh in rejections, so i stay away from intimacy when i am visibly over-fat and i stay away from visibly over-fat others... no wonder i am alone in this over-fat country, aye?...

let me hear your body talk...

gym at midnight

2010-07-01T03:42:00.000-04:00

running on caffeine and adrenaline, only 3-4 hours sleep and still, made it to the gym around midnight and the body loved it, even if the heart gives out tomorrow, it felt fantastic tonight... and without a lover, after all, what pleasure can i experience... masturbation, exercise, creative play, and food...

meet me at the gym at midnight :)

tinnitus

2010-06-28T23:52:00.000-04:00

the ear is screaming at the loudest it's been in a long time... wonder why... blood pressure? (too lazy to check)... no caffeine today... just ate soup and a fat free cream cheese sandwich and a bit of calamari... life is otherwise so wonderfully fun and joyous... lonely at times, and screaming, but fun and joyous :)

woke a bit

2010-06-08T02:54:00.001-04:00

with a little help from my friend... perhaps tomorrow i shall wake a bit more all by myself (even though i still don't wanna be)...

amazing rest

2010-05-31T04:46:00.000-04:00

better than amazing grace, a pure true rest is the rebirth of the body, mind, spirit, all that is a being, at least for me in the experience i know in this physical life... please, this body pleads, do not forget to rest...

perhaps it is time to remember :)

and then i laugh

2010-05-13T23:23:00.000-04:00

all the emo drama, complaints, self-berating, blah blah blah and so on... yeah, it's great to be thin, to be light, to move smoothely and reach for the optimal physical experience in this life, but heck, i am so comfortable in my skin it is ridiculous to lay the wah wah guilt trip on myself... truth is, it is all so all in the mind...

and then i laugh :)

dang dummy

2010-04-14T01:34:00.000-04:00

one of these days i'll finally unpack (i moved two months ago, and a week) and find the scale and find out how many pounds i gained in the past six months... and today, the disk slipped reminding me of how vulnerable the belly makes the lower back... hopefully it will heal quickly as i have softball in less than 48 hours and it is challenging to play when the body will not stand up straight or move quickly...

sigh, the aging process sucks, especially when the belly grows and the laziness wins the daily battle of the buldges... at least i am checking in and whatever (hopeful or something)...

a bottom line

2010-03-23T02:21:00.000-04:00

yeah, well, the bottome line (or at least one of them) is that i am not attractive to myself today, so anyone finding me attractive does not share my perspective of what is attractive and therefore, is not compatible... it is really so simple when clarity illuminates the brain, there's no point and only foolishness that supports confusion in any attempt to explain further...

so this is why nobody plays with me today (can you hear my body talk)... masterbation is more fun than sex with an unattractive body... my loss, but also my fun... compromise, my way... or something like that...

was better yesterday

2010-03-08T21:27:00.005-05:00

seems to be a sick body i'm living in today... ear screaming...

hopefully it'll feel better tomorrow...

had a moment

2010-02-24T21:38:00.002-05:00

yes, a brief moment of clarity the other night when i skipped dinner and went to bed right after work and slept twelve hours and felt the weight of the bloat almost left and then, got home the second night and bloated up again... one of these days, change the pattern (before death to i part, aye?)...

stop the stupid, k? :}

.

P.S... and an hour later, i found myself coming home from the gym to write this update... the bloat and flab is large, but i did move again, treadmill and elliptical... now if i just keep that up for the next three hundred nights, at least... five hundred nights would be better... join me? :)

wow, cellular memory

2010-02-13T02:40:00.001-05:00

i forget almost every time in every conscious way when i disassociate myself from the physical shell (and the body laughs it's maniacal suicidal cheesy grin laugh as it does not have much choice and it knows it on that cellular memory level that the consciousness avoids so often, but every now and then a glimmer of a glimpse, a sliver of memory slices through as if to be placed on a slide and probes by an electron microscope (cuz that is how thin a slice it is most of the time) and when the brain turns on it's subatomic eye to perceive (because it is beyond human sight as we know it) the cellular memory, the brain floats through a sea of emotions made of every extreme as the temporary journey of life saves it from the utter despair and depths of depression that the daily suicidal choices would ordinarily bring to the ordinary normal mind...

thank goodness i am abnormal...

and the body sighs, laughed out, and blinks back into existence for the briefest moment before blinking again back into oblivion... this is life in human form in this world at this time and i finally fit in...

such a waste, and yet, a success... would amy be proud?... would the others who thought me too idealistic and lacking in common sense when i refused to conform and die, living dead cuz that was the way everyone chose?... and what if i chose to wake now?...

does anyone understand?

:)

dare i not?

2010-02-04T23:30:00.000-05:00

or dare i do?... climbing on the scale again is not happening lately, but i suspect i've rises well above 200 again... so let's see... yup. though not as bad as i almost thought, still at 202 all this time after the holidays... indulging in food cuz it tastes so good, cuz masturbation is simply not enough stimulation for the body cuz the taste buds are so sensual too and i am so very oral (come to think of it, i do miss kissing)...

anyway, drop 30 pounds by when? :}

dang fool kid

2010-01-16T03:23:00.006-05:00

thing is, i enjoy it way too much... the food, and snacks and healthy food and chocolate and food and... yeah, rising to the 200 mark again, dag nabit... but am i struggling to stop or turn around?... am i angst ridden and self-loathing and all that psychobabble?... no, just a fool in love with his chocolate... way too many parties to go vegan healthy all by myself at the moment... so how did you enjoying your holidays?...

oh fk xmas food

2009-12-23T03:22:00.000-05:00

there's just too much of it... and much of it is chocolate, which is really too much dam pleasure for my own good... rising back above 190, i wonder where i'll stop... nothing a good sex partner couldn't put an end to...

freaking thanksgiving

2009-11-26T03:18:00.000-05:00

all north americans seem to do is eat... there's a restaurant every mile, or ten feet in most places, and fast food growing on trees... of course the irony or whatever of the metaphor or simile or whatever is whatever...

not still losing weight, obviously, not exercising as much either, though playing five games of softball a week and working longer hours is leaving me exhausted... not exercised out good exhausted, just exhausted...

apologies from the brain to the body...

major pain

2009-11-10T01:29:00.000-05:00

i sit here trying to keep my right knee above my heart while balancing a plastic bag full of ice on it and still typing on the laptop on half of my lap cuz it's very swollen, the knee, not the lap or laptop, cuz i am suffering the slings and arrows (actually, not-really-soft softballs) after tonight's travesty, i mean game... i took myself out after the second inning cuz i felt the swelling cuz a ball travelling at least a gazillion miles per second (ok, seriously, at least 90 mph, very possibly higher cuz we think the team we played uses juiced bats that exceed the asa bat speed limit) hit the inner side of my right knee and it hurts oodles...

that was the first ball hit during the game... the second ball hit was just as hard and it hit my right hand and glove and bounced past the second baseman all the way to the right fielder, ouch... and the third ball hit struck my glove and bounced over the head of the second baseman into right field... yes, hard hit balls... the team we played was dangerously under-rated by asa softball classifications which made for a dangerous situation, especially for the pitcher...

so major pain for the body and the hope that the swelling and damage doesn't make walking too challenging tomorrow and the rest of the week cuz i've got another game to play (skipping the thursday game) sunday...

how are you? :)

soup is too salty

2009-11-07T23:56:00.001-05:00

though low calorie, soup is way too salty to be a steady diet and the weight of fatigue and blood pressure (sensing it, not measuring it) is draining the body these days... as lack of full REM cycles is catching up with the aging brain and lack of sleep is catching up with the body and over-eating (even when dinner is soup and yogurt, back to one huge meal a day in the evening is not right) is weighing both down and raising the blood pressure to unhealthy levels (that's a sense-judgment as i don't make time to check the actual blood pressure these days for the same reason the place i live in is a wreck, no time... and that is both physically and psychologically uncomfortable so change the dang habits, fool)...

thank you for the good advice...

bloating up again

2009-11-01T01:47:00.001-04:00

stupid is as stupid does and i am doesing stupid good these days, but though it very well may be a possible sign of suicidal tendencies and is most likely a cry for help, the end may not be about to be just yet, we hope... the weight cap is hopefully going to top out at 190 (instead of 220, which was the max cap for a while in this decade and in the eighties too, ironically, both decades i held professional office jobs and reduced sleep to ridiculously minimal levels and neglect myself in almost every way, a recipe for disaster, the death kind, so wake up and save yourself, myself, right?)...

ok, hopefully this is the wake up call... loneliness and feeling unloved and missing being cared about and all that poor-me stuff is placated by food... but if i do not really want to die, things will change again...

video game diet update

2009-10-15T22:41:00.000-04:00

i stopped to play a video game that helped me focus on dropping the weight i piled on during a few years of imbalanced diet and when i returned to daily blogging more than ever, i find the past month has unfocused the balance i had achieved in the diet and have regained at least ten of the almost forty pounds i lost during the two or so months of what i semi-jokingly called the video game diet...

ironiculous

2009-09-18T00:36:00.000-04:00

ridicuny?... yes, well, i am here... the game broke and i am here... i pigged out on pizza and chocolate and chips and the stuff i had not had in months this week, and i am here... i dropped 40 pounds as of last week and gained back 10 this week and i am here... ironic?... ridiculous?... silly me, making good progress, but what fun is progress without some slippage... three steps forward, two steps back, and one to the side... that's the ticket... the great news is i now consider 185 fat... imagine how out of touch i was when i was over 220... playing softball 4x a week... doing a bit of running... working way too many hours... eating mostly very healthy (in spite of the divergence of this week)... the body smiles, the mouth laughs, the happy medium is on the horizon... life is good, even though it's still lonely, it's very good... how about you? :)

circular motion

2009-05-28T23:32:00.002-04:00

yeah, up and down, back to 192, back to 199.8, and round and round and round again... that was may... focus just was not there... maybe it was the disappointment in the people (softball teams, work colleagues, old friends, the human race, all the little things)... maybe it was the unresolved (uninvited?)... maybe it was (was?... isn't it still is-ing?... like now?) just boredom fueling the ambivalence that replaced the joyous optimism and hope and belief in love and life and pleasure and caring and sharing and peace and love (did i meantion love?) and happiness and romance and passion and idealism and beauty and promises and love (mustn't forget the love) and the dreams... maybe it's just getting old...

so why am i still giggling?

fall and rise

2009-05-21T23:26:00.003-04:00

focus got me all the way down to 192 and then, unfocus got me back up to 199.2... not 200 thoughg, so maybe there's something to those famous last words i uttered here recently... so 190 by june 1st?... another crash end of month rally?... can't be too good for the heart and other vital organs, but madness runs in the brain... poor body, it is only a pawn in the brain's insane delusions and madcap adventures... if only it wasn't alone, aye?...

dropping weight

2009-05-11T23:43:00.003-04:00

focused (fasting, hard core, maybe dangerous at this point in the life time line, but being me, it's what i do) and into the mid-nineties determined not to rise back above 200 again... famous last words or something prophetic or whatever, time will tell me and then i'll probably let you know too...

yeah, we shall see :)

could just die i suppose

2009-05-01T00:01:00.002-04:00

then i'd lose lots of weight... ah, but the fact is, i actually stopped eating for the last three days of april and ended up 198 pounds when i stepped on the scale at a moment after midnight... suddenly, hunger is not as important as something else (and there's nothing else here)... and the taste buds are sleeping... and i was reading 213 on the scale just last week... must be crazy, no doubt...

insanity is fattening

2009-04-24T23:40:00.000-04:00

some time a few weeks ago or longer than that i sort of made a committment to myself in front of another person who asked me to make the committment which makes is bigger than me and usually that matters to me cuz i have not yet completely given up on life and humanity and love and all that... so i told her that i would be under 200 pounds by may 1st and i'm still pigging out and actually rising... wow, aye?... my madness is intact and my taste buds love me...

face stuffing is a full time job

2009-04-17T01:23:00.006-04:00

yeah, it is, you know it if you've ever done it... and delicious can be found everywhere, so unless i go nowhere and say no to everything, i continue to bloat enough to not drop under 200 pounds... but i've got a couple of weeks before the imaginary deadline and sort-of promise i made myself by telling someone else i agree to do it... and besides, the body feels much better not bloated, so why in the world would i continue trading a few minutes of oral ecstasy for twenty four hours of bloat each day... rhetorical, of course... get real...

fluctuations

2009-04-11T01:19:00.001-04:00

the rise and fall of weight and motivation and mood and spirit and so on continues, especially the so on... dropping to 201 pounds and rising to 214 and back again, mostly because i am too tired and busy to want to discipline myself to actually drop the weight, but the semi-promise was made... under 200 by may 1... so i'll take it seriously any day now...

how why anyway

2009-04-01T01:25:00.000-04:00

the good news is that i am somehow keeping in touch with the body just about weekly... the bad news is that the news from the body is only mediocre at best, though still is mostly like better than the norms for age gender and so on... goofing off too long, somebody kick me (in the physical space where it might do some good)...

whatever again

2009-03-27T01:28:00.000-04:00

yeah, just mulling along rising and falling, but hey, dropping to 202 pounds this week... still fluctuating way too much to take it seriously... no motivation alone... if you see the one out there, tell her now would be a very good time to find me :}

alone, alas, alright

2009-03-21T04:19:00.003-04:00

fatigue on the surface blows away with a good night of sleep, but the deep fatigue requires a few days, at least, of endless sleep and to truly rebuild the body at the cellular level and be reborn, it can take weeks of rest, real rest, which does not include any waking with an alarm clock or pushing the body or mind... i don't have time for that... and alone, alas, i take refuse in the hormonal comforts and escapes and releases that come from the chemicals in foods... i know what works for this body, but i over do it and keep an extra thirty pounds on the torso that produces even more fatigue, but on another level, slows everything down (which is exactly what i need)... so i will be alright, because instinctively i know what to do in these ridiculously workaholic times... a vacation would be sweet, a change of life would be best, but for now, the survival skills survive...

enough?

2009-03-13T01:43:00.002-04:00

yeah, just keep swimming, but maybe i should have paused and thought about not eating the the second can of pineapple... burp.

just keep swimming

2009-03-08T22:08:00.004-04:00

yeah, that's the ticket... just keep moving, that's the best i can do these days... the past week pushed the body to sleep deprivation because work had so much to be done and three nights were busy (two softball and one dinner) and so there was no gym time and no self-focus time and minimal writing time (which is a sign of over-business, if you know me) and so, the weight loss deal probably didn't make much progress but just keep swimming, just keep swimming, ya know...

and who's noticing, anyway? :}

ups and downs

2009-03-01T23:56:00.003-05:00

the severity of change that would usually happen when i make a commitment to change habits and drop some serious weight has not happened, but some change is happening in spite of an extremely busy schedule that does not allow time for recovery/rest or other basic chores like routine laundry and house cleaning and so on... the lack of daily interaction with the only person with a healthy influence does not help at all as the hedonistic influences and habits are a powerful force, but we'll see if she cares enough to keep in touch enough to influence...

of course i know it is up to me to make changes in me for myself, but with no one to share the lifestyle, i don't feel like being even more isolated from people than i already am because of my different perspectives... the daily sharing is still with people who head to wing houses after games, for instance... and i just might would rather live fewer years with companionship than more years alone... deeper understanding into the current habits?...

yup... ups and downs...

promises, promises

2009-02-22T02:36:00.000-05:00

did i promise?... did i challenge myself to a goal in front of a friend?... that does make it more binding, after all... yes, tonight i told someone who actually seems to care about me (this is the body talking) that i would drop weight to under 200 pounds by may 1... of course if i took it seriously, i'd probably go for 190 by may 1... just cuz i'm crazy like that and i do not like to restrict my hedonism for too long... the key to all this will be maintaining smaller portions and more balance and less binging on three pound bags of m&ms and decadent cakes with ten ounces of hot fudge and... hello?... oh, was i telling?... ok, so maybe tonight is the first night of a new adjustment to the lifestyle and a return of the physical sensuality beyond the taste buds and rush from foods... of course the real change will be the return of the abs and i didn't exzactly promise that, so there's still that huge seriousness to stop ignoring and brushing off with silly asides and goofy sarcasm and ridiculous rationalizations and insane excuses and delightful self-mockery... oh, blatant honesty is so much fun...

but seriously, i so appreciate the friend :)

hedonism is fun

2009-02-15T23:17:00.004-05:00

the pattern continues, i mean, the pattern of careless fun with some measure of disregard for the body just continues and i am enjoying the heck out of it on so many levels... busy with work so much that i skip lunch just to get the work done and get out at a reasonable hour... busy with fun and games after work, softball, game nights, dinners and movies and such, so there is no time to even think about anything deeper than the fun of the moment, no less feel anything other than the fun of the moment, and assorted sundries... so the bloat remains, rising and falling with whim and weather... and the body ages faster than it has to, even though it is still at a rate slower than the average human norm... and does anybody care?... maybe, but not close enough to have any real influence... let's face it, hedonism is fun...

sigh :}

forgetting again

2009-02-05T00:56:00.002-05:00

it's like i have selective alsheimer's or something, or perhaps it's just selective amnesia, but i am back to accepting laziness and bloating on food and too much sugar and fats and carbs and so on and so forth and being all buddha belly... it's like i am deliberately indulging my taste buds and other sensory stimulus because nobody else is around to share or care... in fact, that is what i am doing, cuz the physical experience is so much fun... but does that keep me from attracting someone who is attractive to me?... seems so, but then, what do i know...

duh...

gotta get your abs right

2009-01-31T12:10:00.000-05:00

what would be good for this body more than anything, i think, would be finding motivation to remember that i have abs… there was a time when a thousand sit ups was a piece of cake… now, a piece of cake is all my abs see… and used to be i’d be motivated by the prospect of sex, but as much as i still enjoy sensuality, my high abdominal standards have crashed and burned in the past decade… sad, cuz everything is so much better when the abs are right…

food

2009-01-12T06:05:00.002-05:00

the body needs balance most of all... the body needs food to live and yet, the body craves all sorts of physical/sensual stimulation and when food becomes the dominant one, or worse, the only one, health suffers and everything else follows and no amount of exercise can change it... don't let that happen...

(anymore)...

don't lose it this time

2009-01-04T02:57:00.003-05:00

i mean the motivation to live, dammit... the decadent snacks are still everywhere and the belly continues to beg for bloat and the taste buds continue to crave fat and sugar and grease and crap and the body continues to crave for carbs and sugars and chocolate drugs and we must change the habit, we must retrain the metabolism to not crave large quantities of sugars and carbs at every meal... we must retrain the body to digest the proteins...

ok body, so talk

2009-01-01T15:02:00.002-05:00

yeah, well, ok, so... was it last week?... the 27th, to be precise, so... saturday?... yes, twice on saturday 40 minutes each time on the elliptical machine with improvement... a mile in 12 minutes, then 3 miles in just over 40 minutes the first time... and 2 miles in 24 minutes, with 3 miles in 38 minutes the second time... and then monday (cuz sunday the gym was too crowded, but i did jog on down)... 2 miles in 21 minutes with a 3x10 rep 4 station (40 down curl, 50 curl, 105 seated bench press, 105 pull down) upper body workout (arms/chest/upper back) prior to the elliptical... and now today, fourth time in 6 days, 1 mile in 9:50 and 2 miles in 20 minutes with the same 3x10 rep (60/60/120/120) after the elliptical (avg mph 5.7, avg pulse 138)... all 4 workouts i made a peak pulse of at least 160 and maintained an avg over 130... no sharp pains, some burn, no lingering aches, feeling in touch and in control... definitely felt the sugar rush from the party last night (and the four hours sleep), but continued progress/improvement is a good sign even though there is a very long way to go (months, at least?) to return to optimal weight and satisfactory condition...

so we're not dead yet, but stay tuned :)

gym log

2009-01-01T14:25:00.005-05:00

12/27 day, 42 ellip (elp), just under 3m(min), 12m 1st(mile)
12/27 eve, 42 ellip, under 12m 1st, 24, 2nd, 38m 3rd
12/29 eve, 22 elp,11m 1st,21m 2nd,4station 3x10rep(40/40/105/105)
1/1 day, 22 elp, 9:50 1st, 20 2nd, 4stat 3x10rep, (60/60/120/120)

yay, now just continue...

time for me

2008-12-21T03:59:00.003-05:00

screaming through a runny nose that has me hacking enough to actually pour nighttime cough/cold medicine down my throat still is not keeping me home or increasing the sleep time so desperately needed for fighting off the bugs inside and rebuilding the frayed immune system that is allowing this cold/flu bug to take hold... no rest for the idiot desperately seeking attention and social interaction... i know it is the holiday season when social opportunities are frequent and hiding out leaves us all the more lonely all year, but sheesh... and i know he isn't trying to kill me, but he sure is not taking care of me right... somebody smack him and put me to bed for a week... preferably with an adorable nurse...

sincerely,
the body

still the same (or worse?)

2008-12-18T00:42:00.003-05:00

feeling the blood pressure higher than it should be due to the bloat around the major organs and excess weight and sleep deprivation and now, fatigue induced head-cold symptoms... add not sleeping well to the physical discomforts and suicidal tendencies... hope i wake up and remember how to live before i die...

why hast thou foresaken me?

2008-12-03T01:33:00.002-05:00

woah, getting biblical on my ass, am i?... well, the body has it's own irreverent sense of humor and as it does speak out here, i occasionally respond as i am doing now (so who is really in control?... oooo, the question cuts the air like a razor wire)...

ummmmm, in spite of the frequent softball, the eating habits remain over-indulgent for the taste buds and ignore the bloat signals sent by the stomach and other vital organs in the torso, leaving the ridiculouso sign flashing on the forehead for anyone with a third eye to see... so when will the gym become a regular part of the routine and when will i remember what stamina really means and when will i start taking the resistance against gravity and the natural aging forces seriously...

ever?...

there's something burning somewhere... and i think it's me.

aches and bloats

2008-11-10T05:26:00.002-05:00

all this farting around about taking care of me has me hurting and feeling neglected and lonelier than ever... yeah, it's me, the body... i don't get to talk nearly as much as i should given the title of this blog, but i sneak a few words in past the babbler and mind-people when nobody is looking in the wee hours, usually after i get put to bed right after dinner cuz i am begging so hard for the extra rest... i really need to find better ways to get what i need...

yes, bodies have needs and i know how the mind-people hate the word and the concept, except maybe when it comes to a good love song or some really fine milk chocolate, wait, the latter is me too, but that's besides the point (oh no, i'm not sure if i am a babbling body or if the babbler is taking over... can a body have an out of body experience?...

ahem... the costocondritis thing still tears into my chest when i sneeze or cough, so i try not to but the mind-people cannot always control me... i've been able to play softball with less pain and i think the pills are helping a lot... some long chemical name starting with g and a half dozen other herbal-type pills (i trust the mind-people to keep track of that stuff, i mean, as much as i complain about them sometimes, they have kept me alive and kicking {and kicking hard} for a long time) are helping a lot...

i am still quite bloated most of the time though... eating too much in one sitting does that... and eating too much of the fattening stuff... though it tastes so good... not enough exercise, for sure, cuz even though i play softball several times a week, i do not actually work out as much playing softball as i did going to the gym... the aerobics are much less and the duration of intensity is much less and i do hope i get dragged to the gym soon and more often...

what about right now?... aches and bloats and costo-whatever?... good excuses... there's always hope, right?... yeah, i remember how to throw the mind-people's words back at them... nyuk and all... hopefully next time i find myself at the keyboard i'll be less achy and less bloated... all in all, it's been a great life for a body... lonelier than i'd like, especially recently, but still a great life...

hope your mind-people gave you one too :)

apparently not listening

2008-10-30T23:47:00.000-04:00

so the rest is not coming, the unpacking is slow, and the stumble in the soft sand let the high pop-up slam down on the left chest wall (better than the face, aye?) and now, after the emergency room ruled out a heart/lung crisis, costochondritis wherein the cartlidge between the ribs is inflammed, and even more specifically, tietze syndrome, where swelling spreads the pain, is a constant visitor (cuz it only hurts when i breathe)... from the er to the softball field (to pitch seven full innings and win) proved the er was right, but the pain, maria, but the pain... can i stop breathing for a while?... and moving?...

more than bloat

2008-10-20T05:51:00.003-04:00

there is a numbness and a swelling in places, the hands, the right arm, the bruised areas, but also the muscles... bloat, yes, and overworked, but more (age?), not enough sleep for complete recovery... a few days off for sleep (and unpack, but that's another story) would be wise... listen to the body talk, body talk...

return to bloat

2008-10-19T02:54:00.001-04:00

of course the horizon may be farther away that it appears, or than we want it to be, alas and all, as the old habits change ever so slowly (but change they do, even ever so slowly) and the body talks so rarely, so i reeport on it for it, sort of, from the skewed perspective of being blind to it much of the time... the body gets older, gets better, slides back, gets better, but yet, it is far from where it was even when it was just ok and far from where it wants to be (and may never be there again) and so compromise comes hard, but must come... anybody care? (i mean besides my body)...